Fuck You Very Much

Today has been a very fucking stressful day. It's a good thing that I know how to bite my tongue, that's for damn sure.

Work, work, work. Blah, blah, blah. More of the same but to a higher degree. It's just stressing me the fuck out and I hate being threatened when I'm busting my ass. Today I was told by one of my coworkers that she got a written warning for being 2 weeks behind. We are fucking swamped. It's ridiculous. I was a week and a half behind so I started to freak out, as I'm known to do. Yes, I'm looking for a new job but I have no idea how long that's going to take me so I need to make sure I stay in good standing where I am now.

 So guess what I did? I called Master and asked if He could please pick me up tonight. He asked why and I said that I needed to do some serious overtime today. I needed to stay until at least 8pm to give me a chance to catch up. Of course that meant that the carpool couldn't take me home.

It sucks not only because I had to stay until 8pm but also because gas prices are fucking nuts and I'm already paying the carpool and now putting extra gas in our car just so I can catch up at work. Yeah, overtime money is great... that is until taxes take a fucking chunk out.

So I pulled an 11 1/2 hour day. I'm not used to that. I know people do it all the time but I am just not used to it. And now of course cause I'm home, pissy and have had four cups of coffee to keep me alert at work I'm wired. I couldn't go to bed on time if I tried.

Master told me that I can stay up tonight. I am going into work early tomorrow, but not by very much. I can still get up at my normal time and be ready before the carpool rolls up.

I'm caught up on the important stuff. So now, tomorrow after all the normal stuff is taken care of I'm going to start taking a chunk out of the lower priority things.

When you pull an 11 1/2 hour day and you still aren't able to get caught up on everything at least to the point where you are only a week behind, that's some bullshit. Especially since I've normally been pulling 8 1/2 to 9 hour days. That's not including my lunch breaks. My lunch breaks lately have been about 5 to 10 minutes long and I don't get 15 minute breaks. That is the only time where I can actually breathe for a moment unless I'm going to the bathroom or grabbing something to drink. I don't take my time, I don't just stand around and talk. I'm 100% focused when I'm clocked in and we're busy like this.

I just feel so.... pissed off. That's really the only way I can explain it. I do my job. I do it to the best of my ability and still there are threats.

I walked into my supervisor's office today when he wasn't in there (he's been shutting his door when he's in there lately) to drop off a file and I noticed all these bright red folders on his desk. They were all spread out. And guess what? Each red folder had a name of one of us in that department, myself included.

I need out now.

Crazy As Hell

I was reading blogs today and one particular post got my mind spinning a little, so I decided to come over here and talk about it.

Some people think that mental disorders are basically all in your head. And by that, I mean that people think it's all talk and made up shit because "back in the day" people weren't diagnosed with such and such. It's just shit we make up to "justify" how certain people act. I know better. I know that I am bipolar. I know that it's not just me being a bitch or a drama queen. It's a chemical imbalance and I need help regulating it by managing it with medication. And even then it has to be the right medication. Plus, who's to say that people weren't bipolar or depressed or have what ever other mental disorder. We just didn't have the diagnosis.

Bipolar disorder gets worse with age. I'm a classic example of that. I would have mood swings but they never seemed that bad, at least not to me. And even Master will tell you that in the beginning of our relationship they weren't nearly as severe as they were when I hit about 25. It was at that time that I basically starting going all over the place in my head, in my moods, etc. I would break down sobbing sometimes because I didn't know why the fuck I was acting or thinking the way I was.

I seriously thought I had completely lost my shit. I don't know if Master thought that as well, but I will say that He was as supportive as I would let Him be. Notice how I worded that. If I was flying high or going into one hell of an aggressive state, I wouldn't allow Him to help me. Either I was way either way too happy to listen or I was way too pissed off. But when I was down and depressed and felt like I couldn't cope with anything but a deep dark hole for me to crawl into I would depend on Him to help prop me back up.

It was all incredibly unfair to Him. I admit that and I feel guilty for it. He tells me that I shouldn't feel guilty, but when you put the ones you love through hell and back and you finally get help managing your chemical imbalance.. you start to realize what had actually been happening. Admittedly it's not all clear. I can really only catch glimpses of memory when I was in those states, but it's enough.

If it wasn't for Him though I never would have sought help. I am lucky to have Him. If He had given up  on me and just said fuck it, I don't know what I would have done.

I know my medication isn't a cure, but I do know that I am almost a completely different person now. I mean, I'm still me. I'm still Kitten, but I'm a much more centered and balanced Kitten, which makes a hell of a difference let me tell ya.

Understanding

I got up not that long ago and I have a while before I am supposed to wake up Master, so I thought I would do a quick post. Last night shortly after I did my blog post Master and I sat down and relaxed. All of the electronics were either off or being ignored. We were simply sitting there and talking.

He hadn't read my blog post yet and so I told Him that I wanted to tell Him something. I said that I didn't want Him reading it first here. So I told Him about the things Dr. L said He could do to help. He said that He liked the fact that there were steps He could take to help. If one didn't work He had another option. I think that comforted Him in a way.

And then I started to do what I have done quite a bit since learning that I am bipolar. I started to apologize to Him about how last Sunday ended. He stopped me shortly into my apology. He said that I don't have to apologize for such things. He knows and understands that my medication is not a "cure". He also understands that I can not fully control my mood swings. He said that I shouldn't apologize for something that is out of control. But He is glad that there are things He can do to help me come out of the sudden depressive state rather than Him sitting there not sure what to do and in a way feeling helpless in the situation. I told Him that I was glad as well.

It's amazing how supportive He is. I mean, I know He is my Husband, my Master, my mate.. but I know that not all husbands are that supportive and not all Masters are either. It's not necessarily a requirement so to speak. He has always been my rock. The one constant thing in my life that I have always been able to focus on, to lean on. And He takes it all. He never complains about it. It doesn't matter how much I lean into Him, He takes the weight and He doesn't complain about it. He encourages me to talk to Him. He wants to know exactly where I am on a mental as well as physical level.

I am the same way. I support Him, I encourage Him to talk about whatever is on His mind. He can lean on me as much as He needs to and I don't complain. Even though I am bipolar and some people may see that as a weakness or an inability to be leaned on, I need Him to do that. This marriage and dynamic is a two way street. We bother focus on either other so much that some may call it obsessive.

But both of us have been knocked down, kicked at our lowest points in the past and we keep getting back up. Back then though we had to get up on our own. There was no crutch, there was no supportive hand reaching out to help us get to our feet. So now that we do have that it is the most wonderful feeling in the world.

Leaning On One Another

Master and I may not always see eye to eye, we may argue, and we may have our problems. But I can not think of anyone else I would rather have in my corner.

I've said in past posts how we make a great team. We take things head on together. And I know I say that a lot here, but it's true and it just.. I don't know how to put it... but basically I see how many couples that we know and how they seem to try and take things on by themselves and don't look to their significant other to help or don't want to accept it when it is offered. Some are dating, some are living together and a few of them are married. And it just makes me appreciate what Master and I have, and how we handle things, all the more.

Today is a good example. I've posted in the past how we have been looking for a newer car. Well today I honestly thought I had found one we could afford. I won't go into a lot of details. But basically what happened is that yes the car dealership did everything they could to help, and they were very kind, and yes we got approved for a loan. However, the payment was not something we could afford. It was pretty damn close, but our budget would have been more tight than I was comfortable with. Basically if something came up such as an unexpected bill or something we needed to replace around the apartment, it would have been extremely difficult to pull it all off. You can't get blood from a stone.

So Master and I made the decision to pass for now. The sales rep was so kind about it. He said that it was a smart decision if we couldn't be sure we could afford it. He said if our finances get better we should come back and he'll do all he can to help us find the right car for us. I'm sure we could have afforded a cheaper car, but it would have had way too many miles and/or be the same age as our current car if not older. And I'm not willing to do that.

I was upset when we left. I cried as soon as we got to the car. Master pulled me close to Him and let me put my head on His shoulder. He wrapped His arm around me and kissed the top of my head. He told me it would be okay. He told me not to stress about it, that He would do that for me. He said that He doesn't like to see me stressed out and just wants to make me feel better. He loves me so much.

I stopped crying and He kissed the top of my head again. I apologized for getting so emotional about it, and He said He understood. I really had my hopes set on this car I saw online. I wanted it very badly, and He said He wishes He could get it for me. He wants to give me what I want, and feels bad that He can't right now. He knows I don't place it all on Him. I know He's trying very hard to find a job. And once He does have one I'm sure we'll be able to afford a car payment.

I know we'll get there. And I really appreciate Master helping me calm down and feel better. He's been trying to cheer me up and making me laugh as often as He can. He was even nice enough to give me a nice long shoulder rub. So I'm going to enjoy the rest of the night.