Structure

There is one thing about our dynamic that really helps me with my bipolar disorder. Structure. Knowing how things work, knowing exactly what my role is within our marriage, within my life at home. It's very comforting.

That's why last night confused the hell out of me. Master and I had a wonderful weekend. We fucked, we laughed, we sat up and talked until four in the morning on Saturday. It was just.. perfect. Master had me kneeling, we cuddled, He sat on the couch with me. He had me sit at His feet while He sat in His recliner. It was very comforting, exactly what I needed.

Then last night it was like a light switch was flipped inside my head. It happened around midnight. I wasn't tired so Master allowed me to stay up a bit. I was fine. I was laying on the couch and then suddenly my brain started running a million miles per hour. I couldn't focus on any one thing. I just figured I was going into a manic phase. But no. I went from happy and enjoying the weekend to bawling on the couch in two minutes flat. It scared me. It scared Master. He came and sat on the couch with me and tried to get me to tell Him what was wrong. I told Him that it was finances. Our financial situation has been tight for quite a while now. But I've been handling it better and not breaking down so easily. Part of it is due to the medication and the other part is that Master and I have been focusing more on our dynamic and our roles within it rather than focusing on the stresses in our life. It's been working. But last night I just could not stop crying.

He told me He isn't sure how to react with such a thing happens. He doesn't know how to help. And I understand that. I mean I was basically sitting in a very tight almost curled up position and running my hands through my hair. I was out of control. I couldn't get myself balanced or centered. He tried getting me to talk but I was crying so hard that I couldn't really speak. When I cry like that it's like my throat closes up and I can get words out.  And when I can it's broken and I can't form whole sentences because the words come out in between sobs.

Eventually after Master not knowing how to react and me not knowing how to get past it He ordered me to the bedroom. The bedroom is dark, and He knows that it makes me feel safe because it's our bed. Our own little place that no one but us goes into in our apartment. When it happened I felt hurt. I didn't realize that He was trying to get me to calm down the only way He knew how right there and then. I fell asleep somewhere between 1 and 1:30 am.

Today I woke up and I felt fine. I was a little out of it. But I didn't feel like crying at all. I was very confused. Master had left a message for me to read when I woke. He told me He was worried and scared. I haven't had that bad of a breakdown in a long time. I would say since I've been on 100 milligrams. I'm currently taking 225 milligrams. I didn't call Dr. L. I see him on Friday. So I'm going to talk to him about it then.

While I was at work I had more than enough free time so I ended up writing Master a three page letter. I went into how I'm tired of putting Him through all of this, not to mention myself. I just wanted to be stabilized. I want to be centered. So hopefully soon we can find the right dosage of medicine that won't allow me to completely break down or go all the way to the other extreme where I can't sit still and I can't keep my mind focused on any one thing because I'm in a manic phase.

Today when I got home from work I was very docile. It seems to always be my reaction when I've had an "episode". I become docile and just want/need our dynamic in full force. So I wanted to do my blog post earlier today than usual to kind of help with that. It seems to be. I am feeling better already. Funny how just doing a blog post can do that, simply because I know it is required of me because I am His slave. I hope Friday gets here soon so I can talk to Dr. L.