Pampered Slave Girl

After the talk we had yesterday Master and I both were a little quiet for a while. But eventually we started to get more affectionate again. As I said we were both a little raw after the talk, not that we had been yelling at each other or anything. It's just not a conversation that's entirely comfortable.

But anyway...

Master was writing an e-mail and I was kneeling next to Him. He told me to go take my shower and I said, "Yes Sir." I didn't move right away because we continued talking. That's not really abnormal. Sometimes Master will give me an order but then whatever we were doing before hand will continue. However, once that is done, I already have my orders and I better be on my way to doing them.

So once the conversation ended I started to move to go take my shower. Then Master said, "I'll finish this when I'm done," referring to His e-mail.

I looked at Him kind of weird because I didn't know what He was talking about. He started walking towards the bathroom, which made me even more confused. He turned, looked at me, smirked and said, "It's been a while since you've been groomed."

Immediately I had a grin on my face and was a very happy slave.

Master turned on the water in the shower, stepped in after He had it where He wanted it, and then had me step in as well. He closed the shower curtain and then scrubbed me down, getting me nice and clean, taking His time and caressing in certain areas. For some reason the part that sticks out the most is when He had me facing away from Him and He was rinsing me off and His hands were going up and down my sides. I have no idea why that sticks out the most, but I do know that I really enjoyed it.

And then when He was washing my hair, again I was facing away from Him and I reached behind me and started stroking His cock while He continued. He laughed, which made me giggle.

It has been a really long time since Master took a shower with me and groomed me like that. I thanked Him for it and told Him how much it meant to me that He had done such. I thanked Him again later in the evening, again after sex, and again this morning in my daily note to Him.

To me it's sensual, loving, relaxing, and just wonderful.

I was a very pampered slave girl last night.

Love & Marriage

There are two sayings that have to do with marriage that I think everyone knows.

1. "All you need is love."

2. "Love doesn't put food on the table."

Both are true, in their own ways. I honestly believe that as long as you love the person you are married to with all of your being you can always find a way to make things work, regardless of the situation.

The flip side of that coin is that finances can really fucking stress you and your spouse out which then effects the marriage. Where as Master and I have been in a lot worse situations financially it doesn't mean that right now we aren't stressed out. Neither of us seem to be happy with our situation at present. Master's freelance job fell through. He hasn't been able to be hired on to another job since or before. It's getting to the point that neither of us are really sure where to apply Him anymore. He's put in applications fucking everywhere and either a degree is required, He's "over qualified", or His criminal record that is 15 years old comes to bite Him in the ass. He's extremely frustrated by it and I completely understand that. I try to be as supportive as I possibly can be, but I know that isn't going to make everything okay.

I'm frustrated because I've clawed my way up from minimum wage to making decent money in a relatively short period of time. I have a solid work history and can't afford what we both want. We want a newer car, and where as that is possible the payments are not especially when you add full coverage insurance to it. We want to own a condo, part of a duplex, or a townhouse. Where as we could possibly afford the mortgage payment there is no way we could get financing for that right now. Sometimes it feels like I'm working just to keep our heads above water and at times even that takes a lot of effort.

We both want to be able to go out and do more things, but we can't afford it. My birthday is this upcoming Friday. Master is upset because He can't get me anything. I'm slightly upset because we can't afford to go out and have a good time. In fact on my birthday we get to write out a rent check. Oh the joys of being an adult. I know.

Our anniversary is less than a month away and I'm not sure what we're going to be able to do for it.

We just got done talking because we've both been snipping at each other because we're stressed out. We both admitted that sometimes we worry about the whole "grass is greener" mentality. Basically I'm worried that His wanderlust from when He was younger might kick up in His ass and He's just gonna say fuck it and go. He's worried that I might start peeking over the fence to find a "better" situation.

Where as we both know that we love each other very much, stress and finances dredge up some really nasty and dark thoughts. My medication is helping, but it's not a cure all. It helps me cope, it doesn't make everything honkey dorey.

I'm glad we talked, because it got things off our chests and we stopped nit picking at each other, but it always leaves you a little exposed feeling when you voice such concerns, as if speaking them might make them come true.

Like I said we love one another very, very much. And I'm honestly not worried about a divorce or Him leaving, but like I said enough stress will make your thoughts turn down a road that you really don't want to even remotely consider as a possibility. Everything is possible, it's just how probable it is.

Make Me

Master and I watched a documentary today called "Fetishes". It is basically about this S&M club, with four professional "mistresses" who have clients that pay them to dominate them. Sex isn't involved but there is sexual contact of a sort... at least from what they showed in the documentary.

But anyway, one of funniest things in this happened. Now you think someone who went to see a professional mistress would be submissive right? Well this one guy came in because he had a fetish of wrestling "amazon" type women. And one of the mistresses there was quite tall and had a wider frame. So he pays to wrestle her. Clothes stay on (okay the guy took his shirt off) but they get down and wrestle. The mistress couldn't get the upper hand and you could tell it was pissing her right the hell off. The client isn't being really rough or anything she just wasn't physically strong enough to overpower him. So what does she do? She resorts to biting. A lot. She just kept biting him and scratching at him until he pushed her away from him, got up, put his shirt back on and said that isn't what he went there for. He went there to wrestle her not "be abused" as he put it.

And right after the client leaves the room (I wonder if he got a refund?) the mistress is pissed and kind of goes off about how if he was submissive then he would have enjoyed the biting and scratching. He wasn't submissive at all... blah blah blah. No bitch, you got pissed because you couldn't overpower him and you resorted to "girl fight" tactics. The only thing she didn't do was pull the dude's hair and that's probably only because he didn't have much of it.

I'm not saying I don't believe in fighting dirty but this dude paid her to wrestle with him and just because she couldn't strong arm him or he wasn't submissive during the wrestling she got emotional about it.

So anyway, while we were watching this Master and I both commented about how these women didn't seem like mistresses at all. Okay yeah they could talk shit and what not but not one of them looked like they could handle themselves if things actually got physical. I swear I could kick most of their asses, which is sad given that I'm 5ft1 and about 105 lbs.

And maybe it's just me but if you can't physically overpower me, I don't see the point of submitting to you. Master can and has physically overpowered me. And it's not that He even had to prove it before I wanted to submit to Him. I saw Him and went "Yep, that guy could toss me around like a rag doll. I really want to fuck Him."

So basically in my little head it makes sense to me that if you are going to give me an order, if I should refuse to do it, you should be able to physically make me comply.

Muse

I don't know why but I just haven't been wanting to blog all that much recently. Well, it's not that I don't want to blog it's just that I don't really know what to blog about. Then again sometimes I do know exactly what I want to blog about but then I sit here and start typing and suddenly my mind goes blank and I try and find a way to at least get past the 100 word count.

It's been that way for at least a week now. And I have no idea why. I like blogging, I really do. But I just don't have any ambition to write. Which is weird, sometimes you just can't shut me up when I'm blogging and I end up with 1,500+ words in a post.

And right now... my mind is blank again. Ugh. I hope this weekend I can kick start my brain and get a real blog post done.

Pressure Release

Since yesterday was so stressful, after we both calmed down a bit after I got home Master and I were goofing around and making each other laugh. Master allowed me to push past my normal limits of being a good slave and allowed me to just fully relax and play fight back when He was ripping on me and I would rip on Him, and it went back and forth until we were laughing so hard we could barely breathe.

And from there I crashed pretty hard and Master tucked me into bed and kissed my shoulder a few times before telling me He loves me and told me to sleep well. A little admission... I love it when He kisses the back of my shoulder while I'm laying on my side. It's so sweet.

But after work today it was back to business as usual. He still allowed me to relax and goof around but I stayed in my place and was a good girl. Before I knew it Master was ordering me to the bedroom where He promptly pinned me down and did what He wanted with me.

As soon as we were done He told me to do my blog post. So here I am, still behaving myself.

Off My Chest

.. and onto my blog.

Master and I have been looking into getting a newer car. But the ones we can afford have way too many miles on them and we don't like the car. And the ones we do like? Yeah. Can't afford them.

We did have one small hope from a dealership we went to on Saturday. They had said they would work on our application and have an answer for us by Monday. Our credit sucks and we only have one income, so yeah. I get it. Yesterday arrives and no answer. I called and they said they were still working on it. I call today and leave a voice mail. No one calls me back. So I call again a few hours later and it turns out they want a bigger down payment than we can afford and the payments are still way out of our price range.

So as much as I would love a newer (notice how I'm not saying brand new.. just newer) car right now, I think it's going to have to go on the back burner. I was really upset about it though because the guy I was talking to was a real asshole and had this, "Well no wonder you can't afford this.." tone to his voice.

And then Master and I started butting heads over texting. It was more... intense than it has been since before I started my medication. So I was stressed, Master was stressed, and we freaked out on each other and doubled our fun there. Cause we're smart like that.

I ended up crying while I was at work. Part of it was because of what was going on between Master and myself. The other part was because I realized that if I can't even get a loan for a $13,000 car without a cosigner or astronomical payments how the fuck am I ever going to get approved for a condo or townhouse?

All because I fucked up my credit when I was younger and haven't had the means to fix it since. I also don't have money to file bankruptcy, not that I really want to do that anyway.

For the past 8 years I've worked my way up from minimum wage to where I am now. (I don't want to put the actual amount.. but I feel it is a rather decent amount per hour.) I've worked hard, I keep trying to claw my way up more and more and all I've been able to do is keep my head above water. And sometimes even that's difficult. It's frustrating. And it upsets me.

And I want a fucking break.

I am grateful for my great job, and I am grateful for a roof over my head, necessary bills that are paid, and food in my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I really am grateful for such. I know there are people who are a lot worse off. It's just that right now I'm feeling a little down and am getting stuff off my chest so I don't carry it around the rest of the evening.

Put Away Wet

Last night Master allowed me to stay up a little later than usual. He also let me skip my blog post last night because I didn't have much on my mind that wasn't stressful and/or mundane and I didn't really feel like blogging about that kind of stuff.

But anyway..

Eventually He started putting things up and that was a sign for me to start getting ready for bed. So I set my alarm, pulled in my cell phone, and got into bed.

Master amused Himself by squeezing my neck in different spots, using varying degrees of pressure. There is just something about biting my neck and choking me that really turns Him on. He had me get on all fours and gathered our pillows and put them under my hips before placing His hand in between my shoulder blades and pushed my face into the mattress.

He was not gentle with me, and I was glad that He wasn't. I needed it to be rough.

He continued to pin me down and use me as He saw fit. He did allow me to have two orgasms before filling me with His cum. He rolled off of me and placed His hand on my lower back and let me lay there for a little while before He kissed the top of my head and told me to get some sleep. I was dripping wet when I drifted off to sleep.

Anticipation

Master and I are in the market for a new (to us) car. Our car still is reliable for the most part, but we don't want to run it into the ground. We would prefer to trade up now rather than when she isn't worth much at all for a trade in. We looked yesterday but didn't find anything we wanted. And today we went to an actual dealership and submitted a credit application. We didn't pick a car. We just submitted the credit application to see what they can/will finance us for and go from there. It's a lot easier than picking out a car first only to find out you can't afford the payments on it. The guy said he would call us by the end of the day on Monday. See we know we don't have great credit, and we also don't want an extremely high monthly payment. So it's difficult. My income is good but my credit sucks. Master has better credit but no source of income. So we'll just wait and see.

I was a bit disappointed that we couldn't find out right then what was possible and what wasn't. But the guy said that he wants to take his time on this one and talk to his manager to see what they can work out for us. I don't know if that will actually work in our favor or not. But it's worth a shot. At least it wasn't a direct "No".

So to cheer ourselves up a bit we decided to hit a discount used book store. As we were looking around I got a call from HG. She just wanted to let us know that the company she works for had in fact found a company to do the freelance work Master was doing. She said she was sorry and then was like, "Okay I have to get off the phone now.. Bye!"

So yeah. I kinda hate her right now.

Master found two books He wanted and I found one for me as well. We stopped at a fast food joint for lunch and then went grocery shopping.

Since then we've been at home relaxing. I can't get this car idea out of my head but there isn't a lot I can do to speed things along, or make them go in our favor either. So I'm trying not to freak out about it and just enjoy the rest of our weekend. Thankfully it hasn't been going really fast. It's been nice and slow. I hope tomorrow is the same way.

I know I've been putting up short posts, and it's all day to day stuff, but there isn't a lot going on. Either one or both of us haven't been feeling well lately so there hasn't been a lot of sex, or out of the ordinary BDSM related activities.

A Great Friday

Today Master picked me up from work so we could meet up with His father for lunch. Lunch with my father-in-law is not just a quick sit down and chat. It's at least two hours long. But that's not a bad thing, cause we always have a great time. It's the first time in a while that I've been able to go with Master when He sees His father. My father-in-law and I get along really well. A lot better than my mother-in-law and I get along.

After we were done eating and talking we all said goodbye and headed our separate ways. Master and I ran some errands and got some things accomplished. When we got home I started looking at cars. We can't afford a big car payment, but we also don't want a car with a lot of miles on it. So we're looking for deals right now. We called the last place we bought a car because we liked them, but they don't really have what we're looking for right now. So yeah.. back to searching. I like window shopping for cars though, as odd as that may sound. Master pretty much leaves that in my hands.

He forbids any red cars and other than that doesn't really care. His basic questions are: "Does it run?", "Does it have a lot of miles?", "Can we afford it?".

He leaves the "negotiating" part to me as well. Well, until the salesman tries to walk all over me because I'm a woman. Then He gets pissed off and steps in.. *giggles* It's like He's my bodyguard. Which is pretty awesome.

So I think tonight Master and I are just going to relax and I'll window shop for cars again.

Oh! By the way, I'm on my 3rd day of no cigarettes and Master had His last one yesterday. :-D Yay us!

Long Time No See

Today while I was at work SS got a hold of me and asked what Master and I were up to tonight. She wanted to go out for dinner. So I got a hold of Master to make sure it was okay with Him. So the plans were made to meet up with her shortly after I got home from work.

We haven't seen her since she got engaged. Work, her kids, and her new fiance take up a lot of her time. Honestly I was a bit surprised that she contacted us out of the blue like that. Normally when she wants to hang out it takes some doing. But thankfully everything worked out.

We met her at a restaurant. Another surprise, she was on time.

But we actually had a great time. We talked, joked around, and basically just caught up on everything. She's moving in May and getting married in December. We're both happy for her, although we don't really care for her fiance. But he makes her happy, so whatever. It's not like he's an asshole or anything. In fact it's the complete opposite. He's a bit too nice. He's all polite and has basically no sense of humor. But like I said he makes SS happy.

We ate our food and hung out for a while after that and just really had a good time. Then she said she had something in her car for us. That was kind of weird, but we walked out to her car and she handed us a bread maker. She's never used it and wants it out of her place. So I figure what the hell, I can give it a try.

Now I just have to learn what the hell I need to make bread. And what kind of bread. I think I'll have fun with it! And I think Master will like it as well. I'm probably going to look it up online to see what kinds of bread I can make, and what ingredients I need. I miss baking but I don't have baking sheets or pans right now. Some of our old friends borrowed them and never gave them back. And now we don't talk to them anymore. One of these days I'll get around to replacing them. But for now.. bread will have to do.

Withdrawal

I am once again trying to quit smoking. The game plan that we came up with this time is that I'll quit first and then once the worst of my withdrawal symptoms are over (I'm figuring about a week?) Master will quit.

It sucks and I am so far hating every second of it. I'm quitting cold turkey because I'm not buying nicotine patches or gum that costs more than the habit I'm trying to kick. Fuck that. Especially when one of the major reasons why I am trying to quit is to save money. Yeah, I know. You would think it would be my health. But no. It's the cash. Figures huh?

I'm shaky and kind of just feel out of it. The shakiness I thought at first was because of my blood sugar. But it didn't go away after I ate. So I figure it's from the lack of nicotine. And mixed in with all this fun I'm irritable and grouchy, while trying not to be so I don't get in trouble with Master. All this and this is my first full day without a cigarette.

This blows.

Bedtime

I have asked Master to push back my bedtime. Right now it's 11pm. But since my energy levels are stabilizing and I'm not drained all day I am having a harder and harder time falling asleep at 11pm. He said we would talk about it later on tonight. So we'll see how that goes. He did say He would consider it but didn't want to talk about it at length until later. He just wanted to relax when I first brought it up when I got home.

I know it seems like a small thing but I hate laying in bed (or on the couch) not being able to fall asleep but knowing that if I ask Master if I can stay up will only annoy Him because my bedtime has been 11pm pretty much since I moved in with Him unless it's on the weekend. And we've been living together for 6 years now. Wow. I just realized that we've been living together that long. Huh.

I don't really have a specific time frame I am asking for, but I'm sure we'll discuss that when He decides to have the conversation.

Other than that I don't really have a lot on my mind. Work has been so boring that I'm kind of brain dead when I'm at home.

 

Non-Sappy Post

Yes, I know it's Valentine's Day. I don't care. I'm not going to write a sappy post. It's my own little protest and I was too lazy to make protest signs. Plus, I don't have any of the supplies to make them.

Today went by rather quickly, which was great! Last night Master wasn't in the best of moods because of the news that HG dropped in His lap yesterday. He didn't let me stay up late, and had me go to bed while He attempted to chill out. I did as I was told.

This morning He apologized for how He had been the past two days, that it was just a lot of stress, etc. So we got past that and have actually been having a really nice evening tonight.

I'm hoping that the rest of the work week goes by quickly. This is the week I get my 2 1/2 day weekend, and I love those!

Only 6 more weeks and my time renews at work, after which I'm taking a four day weekend just because I can. Then I'm going to try and save a lot of the time left over for stuff I actually want to or have to do rather than just taking off cause I didn't feel like working that day or because I felt like leaving early.

I want to save at least two days of vacation days for the winter in case it's really nasty out next year.

So yeah. I've rambled on about work and having a nice evening with my Hubby. Nope. No sappiness.

Yay... More Good News...

This is going to be some what of a rant. I'm trying not to be pissed off but it's kind of hard right now. So if anything I put on here doesn't seem rational, oh well.

I think I've blogged about Master having a very part time job that was freelance. It's not the greatest thing in the world but at least it was helping out here and there as far as finances went.

Well He got this freelance job through His best friend's girlfriend (soon to be fiance).

Money is tight right now and so He e-mailed her asking if there was going to be any work for this week. He does that every now and then just so it's not last minute. Because what she loves to do is wait until the day before and then go, "Oh yeah I forgot we need this done and it has to be done by the end of the day tomorrow."

Well she e-mailed Him back saying that no there isn't any work this week. Then she basically said, "Oh yeah and I also forgot to let you know that my boss is looking into hiring a company to do the job that you're currently doing."

You know, cause that's just something that slips your fucking mind. From the wording in her first e-mail this is not new information to her. After Master got a little aggravated in His response she totally changed her tune and said that she only found out about it this past week. Even still, you think you maybe wanna tell the person currently doing the freelance work that. And then she says, and I quote, "I thought it was clear that this was a contract position."

Um. I'm sorry. But a contract position would mean that there would be a contract involved. Freelance position is just what it says. Freelance. And while I realize this, it is a mom and pop shop that has a total of four actual employees. Master is the only freelance worker that they have, so now you're up to five. So news travels really fast, except for where Master is concerned. Apparently.

So Master is doubling His job search, and I'm helping Him out when I can.

So yeah. Thanks for the additional stress for this weekend. This weekend has pretty much sucked. Yesterday we were stressed about money and what not and got on each others nerves. Today was better. We joked around a bit, and I cleaned the kitchen, and we'd calmed down from yesterday. And then this was thrown into the mix. Yeah. That did not improve our mood. Although today neither of us is taking it out on the other, so at least that's an improvement over yesterday.

Restless

Master is restless today. There is stress of course. We're broke at the moment. As in really fucking broke. My paycheck doesn't hit until Friday and that's when we have to pay bills. We haven't been this broke in a while. We've at least at some cash to play with even if it isn't very much for a few months now.

It's hard to go from having a little wiggle room to having none.

He just got done telling me He's bored. He doesn't want to read, doesn't want to watch anything, doesn't want to play video games, and there is basically nothing going on online.

I understand that. But I can't do anything about it. When there isn't anything He wants to do, any suggestions I may or may not have become useless. It just sucks because I am trying to remain calm, and not freak out about money. I'm trying to enjoy the weekend with my Husband. But the stress keeps seeping in and ruining that. So when He's restless I take that as Him being cranky because of His movements and His lack of interest in anything. Then when I say that He actually gets cranky because I said it. It's just a bad cycle.

Maybe as the night goes on we'll start having a better time.

*Sigh*

Every year around this time seems to be the same shit. As I'm sure most of you know Valentine's Day is on Monday. Master and I do not celebrate such. I remember one year it was around Valentine's Day and I went to Walgreens to pick up something we needed. And I saw this awesome teddy bear that had devil horns, a plush pitchfork, and a cape on. And I thought it was the coolest thing. So I bought it and gave it to Master. Master of course loved it because He thought the bear was pretty cool, and named it Devil Bear. Devil Bear now sits on our dresser in the bedroom. And we both still think he's cool.

But I didn't buy it for Him because Valentine's Day was close. I bought it for Him because I saw it and thought He would get a kick out of it. And I think that's how it should be. Aside from birthdays, Christmas, and an anniversary, I really don't see the point of picking one particular day to give someone you love a gift. And with us I really think the only reason we do Christmas is because we were both raised in Christian families.

So when something like Valentine's Day or Sweetest Day comes around I start to groan. Not because I think I have to get Master something, because I don't. But because now I get to hear everyone else talk about what they are getting their significant other or what they expect their significant other to get them.

Today at work one of the women I sit by got flowers and a balloon from her husband for Valentine's Day. It was nice and all, but she was saying how she better get something else besides that, cause she could "tell" that he didn't spend a lot of money on it. Such things do not make sense to me. So I stayed quiet. Next thing I know all the other women by me start talking about what their boyfriend or husband better get them, and how it better be better than the last year, and how if they don't get anything their man is in the dog house.. etc...etc...etc..

It reminds me of the year after my mother-in-law got a divorce. She didn't want the divorce and I understand that, but she had us come down and have dinner with her for Valentine's Day. No big deal. So we go down and she was upset, obviously. But it wasn't because of anything that would be logical. Oh no. She told us how she was so embarrassed at work when her friends started getting flowers and candies that she actually called up a florist and had flowers delivered to her at work. Yeah. She sent herself flowers so no one would think she was less important then they were. It was sad as hell.

I couldn't imagine sending myself a gift like that. That's crazy.

Most of the women at my job get flowers and balloons and what not. It doesn't bother me. And of course it leads to the, "Well what did your husband get you?"

Nothing. We don't celebrate it. I get a lot of weird looks about it. And then I tell them that even if He did get me something I wouldn't want flowers because they'll just die in a few days. I'd rather go out to dinner or get a stuffed animal from Him. Something that I can keep for a long time. Like the tigers Master got me, or the two teddy bears I have from Him. But again those we gifts for no reason or because it was my birthday or because it was our anniversary.

So yeah. The joys of Hallmark holidays.

Normal Day

I know I've mentioned this before, but Master has me write Him a note every day before I go to work so He knows how my mood is doing. So today, I'm sitting there about to write my note before I went to work and I tried to think of a way to describe where my mood was.

And the only word I could come with was normal. I wasn't up, I wasn't down, I wasn't hyper or depressed. I was just... normal. I guess stable would be another way to put it? And honestly it's a little weird to think of it that way. But even since being on my medications I've been rather up. Not really hyper, but just  really positive. That's not a bad thing, just that's the effect it was having. But today I felt normal. So that's exactly what I wrote down.

When Master messaged me while I was at work He said this:

"So the meds finally stabilizing you so that your mood isn't just up or higher and just a normal mood? Hell that's great you haven't had a 'normal' day in years baby that is awesome."

And He's right. For years I've been one of the two extremes, and if not that far to the left or right I've always been leaning one way or the other. I haven't been right down the middle for a long, long time. So it pleased me to see that He not only noticed such, but was treating me feeling "normal" as something to celebrate. Like reaching a milestone I guess is a better way to put it.

On one hand it feels weird to me to thing that feeling normal is a milestone. It reminds me that without my medication I'm not that great at controlling my own feelings. I sway way too much on the mood range, and I need these pills in order to be stable.

I'm not embarrassed about it or anything, but it's still some what of a shock to me.

However, I'm glad that I can acknowledge such and have made my peace with it. I'm also glad that Master is proud of me for getting my shit together and admitting that I needed help. And I'm grateful that He loves me enough to have gone through as much of a whirlwind as we have to get to this point.

I Am A Duck

I was having a rough day today. Not because of work or anything. It was due to finances, the fact that I am currently 7 hours short on my paycheck and don't have enough work to justify over time for the weekend, and some of my family members bitching about how bad off they are and saying they don't understand how we're struggling because I work full time and have a good hourly pay, etc. Master gets work every now and then from the freelance job He's doing, so that does help, but until we both have steady paychecks coming in we're going to stay about where we are. And that means that there will be times where finances are extremely tight.

So for the first time since starting my medication I felt that familiar type of irritability/borderline aggression creeping in. It was not full force and it was not a sudden snap either. It was a very gradual thing. And I was doing my best to keep it at bay, to calm myself down and center myself. It was working, but I was still irritated and it was a slow process.

I'm the only one in my immediate family that has a full time job and is not on state assistance. The people in my immediate family who do work are part time. And every one of them is on state aid. I'm not saying state assistance is a bad thing, because it's not. It's just a point I'm making. Sometimes they forget that I'm not on state assistance. I don't get food stamps, so I actually have to use my paycheck for that. That takes a good chunk out right there. We're feeding Master and myself, a dog, and three rabbits.

Like I said sometimes I think they forget that. I have rent, food, gas in the car, electric, cell phone, land line, internet, things for the animals, the normal necessities and cigarettes for two people. The only thing I could really cut out is the cigarettes. I know, I don't need the internet or the cell phone. But the internet, aside from the video games we already own, is our only form of entertainment. We don't have cable or satellite. As far as my cell phone goes its a whopping $30 a month and I like having it in case something happens. I'm some what paranoid.

So whine, whine, whine right? When Master got in touch with me I fully admitted that I was irritated and told Him why. That, by the way, is a hell of an improvement on my part. I use to just say I was fine, or I would tell Him I was irritated after Him asking me like 50 fucking times but wouldn't say why. He said He understood but He was doing His best to calm me down as well. Here is what He said...

"It's all water and your a duck hon let it roll off your back you know? Work will do what it will do no stopping that and other folks bitching about cash eh fuck em. Just chill baby don't let all the other shit get to you besides what good does it do anyways? And even at that not a lot to get worked up over love. It'll be okay hon always is :)"

(Yes, my Husband does smiley faces when He sends me a message. It's awesome.)

So, I am a duck. Cause my Husband said so. *giggles* I'm in a much better mood, especially after that pep talk He gave me. When I got home He had dinner ready and we watched some Reno 911 on Netflix. A little after dinner He worked on my shoulders. I am much more relaxed now.

Dragging

I don't know why but this week seems to be dragging. The weekend went by very quickly, and now it's only Tuesday. Master has been helping me relax when I get home from work. He's been joking around with me and allowing me to kneel at His feet while I tell Him about my day or while we're talking about whatever comes up.

While I was at work today I started thinking about how sometimes I wish I could be a stay at home slave. But the problem with that fantasy is I would want Him to be able to be home too. So it would be no worries, everything is fine, and all we have to do is whatever He wants us to do. So it's not just a really out there fantasy, it's impossible. We'd need some source of income, obviously.

I think if I was a stay at home slave and He went off to work for 8 or more hours a day I'd get bored, lonely, and restless. I know I'd have more housework to do and what not, but still. I probably wouldn't really know what to with myself. I can entertain myself but without Master with me it's not the same. Nothing really is.

And I enjoy contributing to the household financially. I just think maybe I need an extended break. I have a four day weekend coming up the week of our anniversary. So about 6 weeks away. That's been on my mind a lot lately, and while it's not an extremely long break it's better than nothing.

It's going to be two extra days with my Master, doing what we want and being able to submit to Him for four whole days without having to worry about getting up early the next morning or bedtimes. Well okay, Sunday night yes, but normally Master allows me to stay up a bit later on Sundays.

On the ride home in my carpool we were all talking about our significant others. And it was some what amusing to me. Each of them (one female, one male) thought they ran things in their household, but then would say something immediately after that that clearly stated that they weren't. Their comments went back and forth, and it sounds like they are each in a power struggle with their signifiacant other.

I remember what that was like. It was so exhausting. I'm glad that I know exactly what the power dynamic is in our relationship. It makes things easier. At least it does when I'm not fighting it. And I haven't been for a while now.

Hubby Makes It All Better

I had quite the stressful day at work today. As some of you may remember, when I get up in the morning before I go to work I have to leave a note for Master telling Him where my mood is at. Even though I am on medication now and have been for a little while now, Master still wants me to do this and I find it comforting. So before I left for work I said that I was in a good mood. How could I not be? I was used and abused last night.

But shortly after I got to work some drama started with my coworkers. Long story short it had to do, in part, with me.  When I had to go to the emergency room not that long ago I had to call in that following Monday, and such made me go over my allotted personal time. Everyone who sat by me knew this because they overheard me saying something to my trainer about having to make the time up. So they all apparently assumed that I had been disciplined in some way for going over, whether it be verbal, written, what have you.. I wasn't because I have a great attendance record and I had a note from the emergency room doctor and so they let it slide this time. It was a one off. I hadn't told anyone about it at work because that was between me, my supervisor, and HR.

So anyway, I get to work today and one of the girls who sit next to me asks how my neck was feeling. I told her it was better. So then she has the balls to ask me, out of nowhere, if that had been my first write up. I was shocked honestly that she even asked me. And without thinking I said I didn't get written up. She quirked her eyebrow at me and then sat down.

So then another girl who sits by me comes in. Late. Again. Not just a little late. A half hour late. She does this constantly. So I'm sitting at my desk doing my job and the girl who was asking 20 questions when I got to work stood up and talked to the constantly late chick telling her that I didn't get written up. The constantly late chick got pissed. Not just a little pissed. But down right livid. She was saying how that's bullshit and it's not fair. Just because I had to go to the emergency room (That part wasn't a secret really cause people were asking why I was absent. Like I said I have really good attendance.) doesn't mean I should get special treatment. Apparently she had been written up not that long ago because she had called in and had already gone over her personal time by 30 hours. After that last call in she was now 38 hours over her personal time. I had gone over by 8 hours.

So yeah, I'm sorry an ER trip equaling a total of 8 hours of personal time over and only two months before it renews versus being 38 hours over and not having it renewed until August... lets see here.. big fucking difference. So this whole conversation is going on, loudly, and they are acting like I can't hear a fucking word they are saying. Now you can talk shit all you want, but don't act like I'm not there. That shit pisses me off. I told them it was none of their business and told them to stop acting like I can't hear them because it's extremely rude. That bitch was lucky this happened at work. I was polite.

So anyway, this irritated the hell out of me. So I sent Master an update and explained why. I then asked Him if He thought I was acting rationally. It's... odd to have to ask that. But I don't always have the best judgment of such things. I may think I'm acting rationally when I am actually going off about nothing at all. But He assured me that I was acting rationally and that He would have been upset as well.

I calmed down rather quickly and have decided that I'm just not going to talk about anything not directly work related with those two particular people. As in if I have to call in I'm not going to tell them why. I'm not going to discuss personal things of any kind with them. Normally I don't. I keep to myself at work. But in general conversation sometimes things come up and the only reason I'm talking to anyone is because we're all extremely bored and it kills time. But if they are going to be a bunch of drama queens about apples and oranges, then fuck em. Or rather, don't.

But enough about them.

I got home and Master had dinner ready. We ate dinner, watched Saturday Night Live on Netflix and joked around a lot. Before I knew it I was relaxing, comfortable, and in a great mood. He was making sure I was laughing and smiling and having a good time. He was doing His best to help me have a good evening. And it's working. He's still being strict and not letting me slack, but He's making sure I'm enjoying myself and winding down.

On top of the drama at work I also had a busy work day. I worked 9 hours not including my lunch break and will be attempting to do that all week so I can make up some of the hours I lost from the snow day last week. And He also knows I'm stressing about that because I can't really afford to have that time off my paycheck but I don't really want to work on Saturday so we don't have to spend more money on gas in the car. So I'm doing everything I can to make up as much of it up as I can during this week. I'm not flipping out like I use to before my happy pills, but still it's stressful.

He's a great Husband and just being home with Him helps me relax. But that extra effort He puts in is always appreciated and noticed. I hope He knows that. If He doesn't, He does now. *smiles* Thankfully He still reads my blog everyday.

Pin Me Down

Last night Master and I knew we were in for a late night. We were both in just one of those moods where we both wanted to stay up late. But around midnight or so I looked at Him and asked if He would like to go fool around now so we aren't too tired when we finally did go to bed.

He wanted the light on so He could see everything. I complained at first, because sometimes I like the light on and other times I don't. It wasn't serious complaining, I was just being whiny about it as I laid down next to Him. He eventually grabbed my throat, told me to shut up, and shoved His tongue in my mouth. We made out for a while, and then He went down on me. I laid my arms at my side and ran my hands along His arms. Then He did something that He hasn't done in a while. He suddenly grabbed my wrists and pinned my arms down to the bed as He continued sliding His tongue along my slit.

He did let go eventually so He could finger me while He licked me. After I had an incredible orgasm He told grabbed my hair and maneuvered me onto my stomach, facing Him, so that I could suck His cock. A few times it felt as if He may just shoot His load down my throat, but each time He would have me slow down or change rhythm. He gently pulled my head up and had me get on all fours where He didn't pin me, but He grabbed my hips and moved me or forced me not to move, depending on what He was doing. It felt great. And then He placed His palm right between my shoulder blades and pushed me down, with my ass still in the air.

After having me cum a few more times, He had me lay on my stomach, pinned my wrists to the bed and hooked His legs under mine and forced them apart and roughly fucked me until He filled me with His cum.

He knows how much I love to be pinned down and roughly handled. But the best part of that? The best part is that He loves it too. He loves to make it seem like I'm helpless, that I can't fight back even if I wanted to. It's a huge turn on that He's not just doing it because He knows it gets me off. He's doing it because it gets us both off.

I think that's why I don't like other methods of bondage as much. It seems... impersonal. But when He's using His hands to pin me down or move me, or to hurt me, it's all extremely personal. It's in your face, skin to skin, and it makes me shiver. When He ties me up or cuffs me, I enjoy it. Don't get me wrong. But I much prefer His strong hands being on me and making it so that I can't move.

Wish List

I decided to start a new category on my blog where I post stuff that I want, clothing, heels, lingerie, kinky stuff, whatever. I know I've done posts like that in the past (which I'm hoping to be able to find and add to this category later) and I like the idea of doing it. It may not be extremely interesting to read as a blog post, but it'll be fun for me and make it easier for my to go back when I have the money and find the stuff I wanted to buy. (This first entry is probably going to be long, and a wide mix of stuff because I'm in the mood to window shop and very link heavy.)

Plus for some people I'm sure it will be interesting to read just because they may enjoy window shopping as well or just looking at various stuff. But either way I'll find it fun and useful. It won't always be very sexy stuff. I may just be a top I want, or a dress, etc. For now I'm going to try and break them down into categories in this post.

Random Clothing (Outside the bedroom):

I kinda of like this dress, but I'm not too sure about the color. I like the color red, but normally my clothing is darker than a strict red. If I do wear red it's a darker red.

I love this tank top, although it's not what I would normally consider my style. Which is odd for me, but I really do like it a lot.

This for some reason just speaks to me. Probably because it makes me think of 80's rock music for some reason. This dress is awesome. And I have to have this dress!

This dress is also kind of cute but I'm on the fence about it. This one makes me smirk because it reminds me of bondage and is hot.

Heels:

These are hot. I like this pair a lot but those buckles might be a bitch. Again this kind of reminds me of the lifestyle, but I could wear them out. I normally don't go for ones that are platform-ish but I do like these. I used to own a pair similar to these and I miss them. These are also pretty similar to my old pair. Kinda cute don't you think?

I love this pair.

Lingerie:

Master bought me a pair of leg warmers not that long ago.. and I love them. A lot. So I want more. I normally don't like cutesy designs but the hearts on these are cute. I also like these, this pair, and this one.

Master would love this on me. These are hot. I want this! I also like this one a lot. Master would also really like this on me. He's big into me in stockings. He also loves my ass, so this would be quite the tease. This one is very nice as well.

Okay I think that's enough for now. But I'm sure I'll do more once I hit another window shopping streak.

Relaxing & Lazy Day

Today has been nothing special but it's been a great day. Master let me sleep in a bit and then had me run a couple of errands while He took His shower. When I got back home we just watched some Netflix, played some video games together, and talked for a while. We played with the dog and joked around a lot. Now Master is watching more Netflix and I'm just kind of nerding out online for a little while.

I'm not really sure what to post about to be honest with you. I'm just nice and relaxed in a way where I just kind of want to chill and not think much. I am letting my mind unwind after the work week and enjoying not really having to think about much at all.

I'm sitting here at the keyboard not knowing what to write at all. Sometimes this works for me and all of a sudden a subject pops into my mind and I go from there. This time? Not so much.

I have a feeling it's going to be a nice long night, hopefully ending in sex. Master and I haven't fucked in about four days. I know that's not a long time, but as I've said many, many times in the past.. I have a very high sex drive. But between my stomach not being the best for a day or two and then Master's lower back bothering Him, it's not been a very sex filled week.

I'm not complaining mind you, just saying.

So yeah. Before I just continue to write about how I don't know what to write about I think I'll end this post here. If I think of something later I may come back and post more. Or I might save it for tomorrow.

Ambition

I know I said I wouldn't post a lot about work. And honestly, this isn't just about my current job and this has been on my mind for a while now, so I figured I should blog about it and then maybe it'll stop rattling around up there.

I have not always had a good work ethic. I blame that partially on my age at the time. And I wasn't always ambitious as far as school went either. Well, at least not until I went to college for a while. Then it was my money, so I worked harder because of that. I even was on the Dean's List my first semester. I'm still proud of that and it's been quite some time.

But when I first started working I would do as little as I could to get by. I think part of that is due to my upbringing. I didn't grow up dirt poor or anything. I grew up in a house, my father worked full time, my mother worked part time, and we had things we needed plus some extras. Part of the reason why we could afford those extras is because the only clothes my brother and I had that weren't from rummage sales, Salvation Army, or hand me downs from family members were the ones that my grandparents bought us. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that. But it kind of sucked, especially as a teenager. We never had the latest and greatest, we never once went on a family vacation. The one and only vacation I've been on is my honeymoon. I'm not trying to throw a pity party, I'm simply stating facts and giving a bit of back story here.

My father did not have a strong work ethic. He worked at the same place for 20 years but that's only because he was friends with everyone there and he could fuck around about as much as he wanted as long as he helped the customers when they came in. And he only stopped working there because someone else bought out the place and fired him. My mother worked extreme part time. Three hours a day five days a week. And then should would babysit my cousins every now and then

So yeah. Neither of my parents had a lot of ambition, and quite honestly still don't to this day. My brother has no ambition what so ever. He's in college but he only started going to college because his ex kicked his ass out because he wasn't doing anything with himself and wasn't trying to and he thought that would be a way to get her back. That plan didn't work, and he's only sticking with it because he gets a financial aid check and he thinks it's easier than getting a job.

And as I said I didn't always have a lot of ambition myself. My work ethic use to suck. But something kicked up in my ass after I started going to college and I realized I could excel at something and that it felt good to do so. Like I said I was on the Dean's List my first semester and I never got anything less than a B in any of my classes after that. The only reason I stopped going to college was because I needed a full time job to help pay the bills. And I didn't want to divert my attention between work, school, and Master. I felt I would have spread myself too thin. There have been times where I have wanted to go back to school, but I don't think it's ever going to happen. I don't need a college degree for my job and I'm building a nice resume and I enjoy where I work and I make good money. Sometimes it doesn't feel like enough because finances can be extremely tight but we're getting there and it can only get better as I continue to get pay raises, etc.

And I've worked hard since having gone to college. As soon as I realized that I it felt good to feel like I accomplished something, I realized that I shouldn't be like my parents. I should try to excel, rather than settling or just doing enough to get by. I should strive to do my best and to keep doing bigger and better things. My first job was actually while I was in college. It was part time and I could pick my own hours pretty much. I was a stripper. It left my schedule pretty open and it was decent money. But after a while I realized that yes I'm an exhibitionist and I enjoyed dancing, but I didn't like all the other shit that came with it. Paying the club for "allowing" me to take off my clothes at their establishment, dealing with drunk people, not always getting paid for private dances because the club would run a special, realizing that yeah security isn't all that great. They wouldn't really do anything unless someone was trying to molest you past smacking your ass or trying to put their arm around your waist. And I only say try because I'd stop them before hand. And that was part of the reason why I didn't make as much money as the other girls. The other girls would pretty much put up with anything as long as it meant the money kept flowing. I had some really hard limits. To me certain things felt like I would be cheating on Master if I did them. And the other stuff was just common sense type shit. No, I won't go out to your car and do a line of coke with you.

And before anyone says, "Oh it must have just been that club.." No. It wasn't.  I worked at a few. So basically the only time I enjoyed the job was when I was dancing to a song I liked on stage and Master was there to enjoy it. Beyond that I hated it. And so I left it. The money wasn't as good but I felt better about doing it.

After I stopped going to college I became a waitress/hostess at a restaurant. I worked there for three months and then quit that job once I got another job at a store as a cashier. I quit that job when I got hired on at a different job for a call center making quite a bit more money. I then quit that job after I got a job for the company I work for currently. It was less stressful and the call center was going under so I was smart enough to jump ship before hand.I have been employed, without a break (I would start my next job the weekend after I left the other one) for four years. I know that doesn't sound like a lot. And it's not. But I also went to college for 2 years and was dancing while going to college. So I guess that makes it 6 and I'm only 27. I also have never been fired from a job. *knocks on wood*

So now I got you to the point where I'm at the company I currently work for. Right after my 1 year anniversary with the company I asked for a transfer to a higher position within the company, and I got it. And that's what I'm doing now. And next month I'll have been with the company for 2 years, and I'll be getting another raise. As I said I'm doing well at my job. I'm excelling at it and I enjoy doing that. I work hard every day, even the days where I'm bored out of my mind. I look for other things to do. And the greatest thing about the company I work for is that my hard work is recognized, commented upon, and appreciated. Not a lot of jobs are like that.

I used to try and make my parents proud of me. I was so excited when I got transferred to a higher position within the company. I called my mom after I told Master, and her reaction was... less than I was expecting. It was luke-warm at best. "Oh, that's great hunny. I'm happy for you." And that was it. She moved onto something else. When I told my dad he just nodded his head. I don't think they understand why I'm trying so hard. My brother doesn't care. My mother-in-law acts like it's a competition. "Oh well that's nice and everything. I've been doing..."

Master is the only one to express that He is proud of me. He is the only one to push me to do my best and not just settle. And it means the world to me.

And because of how I grew up, always having 2nd or 3rd best, I think that's why sometimes I get frustrated when finances are really tight. I have nice clothes, but mainly for work. We have a much better computer now, and yes it's 2nd hand from my mother but if I had paid the amount we're paying my mother in a store I would have gotten a less powerful computer. So I'm happy.

I want more clothes to wear outside of work. Sexier clothes. New heels. I want a new TV, some new furniture. I'm not a materialistic person, even though what I just typed out probably makes me seem that way. I just would like to have something that I can look at that's brand spanking new and go, "I worked hard and this is my reward, aside from the paycheck."

I had made a post not that long ago about how once a month I would like to get myself a new article of clothing so I can replace some of my older clothing. I haven't been able to do that but that's because we got this newer computer when our old one finally died. I'm not complaining. I love our new computer. So I think once it's paid off I'll start that whole one new article of clothing per month idea. I may not be able to do it every month, but piece by piece I want to replace my entire wardrobe that isn't work related and add to the selection of heels I have.

Master always says that I never buy myself anything, and He literally gets excited when I want something. He encourages me to get something for myself. And so I am starting to lean that way a little more. Although I honestly feel better when it's something for us. And that's part of the reason why I chose clothing over anything else. Yes, I'll be the one wearing it, but at the same time I'll be better eye candy for Him. So we both win.

Odd Week

It's been an odd week. Not because anything weird has happened, but because I didn't work yesterday. The office was closed because of the weather. And as a result I feel like I'm already on next week. Yesterday felt like a weekend day to both Master and myself, and then I had to go back to work today, and for some fucked up reason it felt like a Monday. I was busy as hell in the morning, but in the afternoon I was bored out of my mind. So to my brain which apparently doesn't want to realize that today is in fact Thursday, I keep forgetting that tomorrow is Friday. Let alone the Friday that I get to leave work at noon.

I'm not complaining or anything, it just feels weird. It's bad enough when it feels like you've lost a whole day. But I feel like I lost a whole week. It's fucked up.

Master is feeling restless this evening. He was actually feeling restless yesterday, and it's continued into today. He doesn't know why. I get like that sometimes too. It's not like He's been crabby or an asshole or anything, He just seems tense.

So I'm not doing my usual "Did I do anything wrong?" gig. Okay that's a lie. I did ask that once yesterday, right after I could tell He was tense. I've been trying to be a good slave lately and as a result His mood has been pleased and relaxed. So when I noticed He was tense I ran through the things that happened that day and tried to figure out if I had done anything, or not done something. He said that it wasn't me, He was just feeling restless. And I haven't asked since. Which is good. I use to pester the hell out of Him about such things, to the point of pissing Him off. But this time once I knew it wasn't me, I let it go.

Now I'm just trying to get Him what He wants when He wants it. That way I'm not causing Him stress, and not pissing Him off.

It's not like I'm walking on eggshells or anything, I'm just relaxing and not hanging all over Him or trying to get Him to interact when He doesn't want to. I know I don't like it when I'm in that kind of mood, and so I'm trying to give Him His space just as I would want my space if I were feeling that way.

And by the way, that whole feeling restless thing out of no where and for what seems like no reason, really fucking sucks. I hate it when I feel like that.

 

Snow Day

I got up this morning when my alarm went off. After I was awake enough to remember how to use a phone I called the weather hot line my job has. It said that the office was open. I was honestly shocked. So I took the dog out and realized I couldn't get past the front door without ending up in a snow drift that was up to my hips. Now granted I'm short, but still. Damn!

I went back inside and checked the weather website. It said that there they were telling everyone to stay home because there were numerous reports of people attempting to commute to work who were getting stuck and they didn't know how long it would take the emergency vehicles to reach anyone. Also the interstate was closed. And so I sat there thinking to myself, "Why the fuck is my job still open?! This is insane!"

I knew I wasn't even going to attempt to go to work right then, so I called my supervisor's number and left him a voice mail stating that if it got better as the day went on I would attempt to come to work. I continued to call my work's weather hot line just in case and finally at about 9:30am it said the office was closed. So at least I didn't have to worry about it anymore.

In the late afternoon, once the snow stopped and the wind wasn't too bad, Master and I went outside and took pictures of our dog playing in the snow. The pup had a blast!

Around 4pm the contractors our landlord hired to handle the parking lot and driveway came back and plowed. But they plowed all the cars in, ya know cause that's easier than pushing all the snow back by the grass. So Master had to dig out the car.

We've spent most of the day just staying inside and staying warm. I took a nap, and that's been about it.

Winter Weather

Until recently the winter here has been rather mild. Well, mild for here anyway. But today the snow started pouring down in the morning. It was to the point that my job actually closed 2 hours early to give everyone time to get home safely. However, by that point it had stopped snowing and the roads were pretty clear. But it's not today that everyone is worried about. It's tonight and tomorrow morning.

The driver of my carpool to and from work took of work, as did the other passenger in the car pool. That just leaves me. If I had the time to use I would have taken off work as well. But I am out of personal time and vacation time for about another month. In fact I went over my personal time due to that neck spasm I had last week. I made the time up and everything, but I hate going over and I don't want to go over further if I don't have to. I strive to do my best at my job and get good reviews and not have any black marks in my file.

So I sat down with my supervisor today and explained my situation. He said that while he would understand if I couldn't come in tomorrow, and it wouldn't necessarily look bad due to the weather, he would prefer for me to at least attempt to come in. Or, failing that, if it clears up during the day to come in the afternoon.

So I told him I would make the best informed decision I could. And he seemed satisfied by that.

So tonight when I got home from work I talked to Master about it. He says that when I get up I am to check the weather website, and then check traffic conditions and make the best decision I can based on that. If I feel I can handle it to go ahead and try but if it gets to be too much once I leave and I'm closer to home than I am to work, I am to turn around and come back home. He worries a lot about me. Not because of my driving skills but because you can't always control the vehicle in bad weather and you can't control how other people are driving. So yeah, He worries.

So tomorrow should be interesting. I'm hoping to call the weather hot line that my job has and for it to say that the office is closed. Then I get to stay home and don't have to worry about looking bad at my job. That would make my life a lot easier.