Ambition

I know I said I wouldn't post a lot about work. And honestly, this isn't just about my current job and this has been on my mind for a while now, so I figured I should blog about it and then maybe it'll stop rattling around up there.

I have not always had a good work ethic. I blame that partially on my age at the time. And I wasn't always ambitious as far as school went either. Well, at least not until I went to college for a while. Then it was my money, so I worked harder because of that. I even was on the Dean's List my first semester. I'm still proud of that and it's been quite some time.

But when I first started working I would do as little as I could to get by. I think part of that is due to my upbringing. I didn't grow up dirt poor or anything. I grew up in a house, my father worked full time, my mother worked part time, and we had things we needed plus some extras. Part of the reason why we could afford those extras is because the only clothes my brother and I had that weren't from rummage sales, Salvation Army, or hand me downs from family members were the ones that my grandparents bought us. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that. But it kind of sucked, especially as a teenager. We never had the latest and greatest, we never once went on a family vacation. The one and only vacation I've been on is my honeymoon. I'm not trying to throw a pity party, I'm simply stating facts and giving a bit of back story here.

My father did not have a strong work ethic. He worked at the same place for 20 years but that's only because he was friends with everyone there and he could fuck around about as much as he wanted as long as he helped the customers when they came in. And he only stopped working there because someone else bought out the place and fired him. My mother worked extreme part time. Three hours a day five days a week. And then should would babysit my cousins every now and then

So yeah. Neither of my parents had a lot of ambition, and quite honestly still don't to this day. My brother has no ambition what so ever. He's in college but he only started going to college because his ex kicked his ass out because he wasn't doing anything with himself and wasn't trying to and he thought that would be a way to get her back. That plan didn't work, and he's only sticking with it because he gets a financial aid check and he thinks it's easier than getting a job.

And as I said I didn't always have a lot of ambition myself. My work ethic use to suck. But something kicked up in my ass after I started going to college and I realized I could excel at something and that it felt good to do so. Like I said I was on the Dean's List my first semester and I never got anything less than a B in any of my classes after that. The only reason I stopped going to college was because I needed a full time job to help pay the bills. And I didn't want to divert my attention between work, school, and Master. I felt I would have spread myself too thin. There have been times where I have wanted to go back to school, but I don't think it's ever going to happen. I don't need a college degree for my job and I'm building a nice resume and I enjoy where I work and I make good money. Sometimes it doesn't feel like enough because finances can be extremely tight but we're getting there and it can only get better as I continue to get pay raises, etc.

And I've worked hard since having gone to college. As soon as I realized that I it felt good to feel like I accomplished something, I realized that I shouldn't be like my parents. I should try to excel, rather than settling or just doing enough to get by. I should strive to do my best and to keep doing bigger and better things. My first job was actually while I was in college. It was part time and I could pick my own hours pretty much. I was a stripper. It left my schedule pretty open and it was decent money. But after a while I realized that yes I'm an exhibitionist and I enjoyed dancing, but I didn't like all the other shit that came with it. Paying the club for "allowing" me to take off my clothes at their establishment, dealing with drunk people, not always getting paid for private dances because the club would run a special, realizing that yeah security isn't all that great. They wouldn't really do anything unless someone was trying to molest you past smacking your ass or trying to put their arm around your waist. And I only say try because I'd stop them before hand. And that was part of the reason why I didn't make as much money as the other girls. The other girls would pretty much put up with anything as long as it meant the money kept flowing. I had some really hard limits. To me certain things felt like I would be cheating on Master if I did them. And the other stuff was just common sense type shit. No, I won't go out to your car and do a line of coke with you.

And before anyone says, "Oh it must have just been that club.." No. It wasn't.  I worked at a few. So basically the only time I enjoyed the job was when I was dancing to a song I liked on stage and Master was there to enjoy it. Beyond that I hated it. And so I left it. The money wasn't as good but I felt better about doing it.

After I stopped going to college I became a waitress/hostess at a restaurant. I worked there for three months and then quit that job once I got another job at a store as a cashier. I quit that job when I got hired on at a different job for a call center making quite a bit more money. I then quit that job after I got a job for the company I work for currently. It was less stressful and the call center was going under so I was smart enough to jump ship before hand.I have been employed, without a break (I would start my next job the weekend after I left the other one) for four years. I know that doesn't sound like a lot. And it's not. But I also went to college for 2 years and was dancing while going to college. So I guess that makes it 6 and I'm only 27. I also have never been fired from a job. *knocks on wood*

So now I got you to the point where I'm at the company I currently work for. Right after my 1 year anniversary with the company I asked for a transfer to a higher position within the company, and I got it. And that's what I'm doing now. And next month I'll have been with the company for 2 years, and I'll be getting another raise. As I said I'm doing well at my job. I'm excelling at it and I enjoy doing that. I work hard every day, even the days where I'm bored out of my mind. I look for other things to do. And the greatest thing about the company I work for is that my hard work is recognized, commented upon, and appreciated. Not a lot of jobs are like that.

I used to try and make my parents proud of me. I was so excited when I got transferred to a higher position within the company. I called my mom after I told Master, and her reaction was... less than I was expecting. It was luke-warm at best. "Oh, that's great hunny. I'm happy for you." And that was it. She moved onto something else. When I told my dad he just nodded his head. I don't think they understand why I'm trying so hard. My brother doesn't care. My mother-in-law acts like it's a competition. "Oh well that's nice and everything. I've been doing..."

Master is the only one to express that He is proud of me. He is the only one to push me to do my best and not just settle. And it means the world to me.

And because of how I grew up, always having 2nd or 3rd best, I think that's why sometimes I get frustrated when finances are really tight. I have nice clothes, but mainly for work. We have a much better computer now, and yes it's 2nd hand from my mother but if I had paid the amount we're paying my mother in a store I would have gotten a less powerful computer. So I'm happy.

I want more clothes to wear outside of work. Sexier clothes. New heels. I want a new TV, some new furniture. I'm not a materialistic person, even though what I just typed out probably makes me seem that way. I just would like to have something that I can look at that's brand spanking new and go, "I worked hard and this is my reward, aside from the paycheck."

I had made a post not that long ago about how once a month I would like to get myself a new article of clothing so I can replace some of my older clothing. I haven't been able to do that but that's because we got this newer computer when our old one finally died. I'm not complaining. I love our new computer. So I think once it's paid off I'll start that whole one new article of clothing per month idea. I may not be able to do it every month, but piece by piece I want to replace my entire wardrobe that isn't work related and add to the selection of heels I have.

Master always says that I never buy myself anything, and He literally gets excited when I want something. He encourages me to get something for myself. And so I am starting to lean that way a little more. Although I honestly feel better when it's something for us. And that's part of the reason why I chose clothing over anything else. Yes, I'll be the one wearing it, but at the same time I'll be better eye candy for Him. So we both win.