Waiting Sucks

I asked Master just now if I could listen to some music and do a blog post. He seemed a little surprised since I just did a post last night. The current rule is I do a blog post every other night. I'm not sure if I wanted to do a blog post just to listen to music and kill time, or what. Maybe. It's better than just drifting off and staring into nothing which I have done a couple of times already today.

I'm not depressed or anything like that. I'm just anxious and nervous about tomorrow. I got a call a couple of days ago about tomorrow. The whole family is going out to Grandpa's house so my father and my uncle can discuss some things with everyone. About what? No clue. That's how my dad is though. If he makes plans to meet up with someone face to face to talk with them he doesn't tell them what it's about. If you ask, he just says we'll discuss it in person. And it's not like he's doing that with just me, he's not telling anyone what subject(s) will be discussed.

Up until today I've been pretty collected about waiting. But now that it's closer I'm starting to get anxious and drifting off to think about absolutely nothing just to try and keep my mind as blank as possible. I don't really want to walk in there tomorrow with any preconceived notions but that's kind of hard to do.

On the bright side I haven't cried in a few days. Every now and again I've shed some tears since this all started with Grandpa about a month ago. Emotions are high. Stress is high. I jump when the phone rings. I think Master has been jumping when it rings too because He's right on it after the first ring. Normally we are rather casual about the phone ringing. But for the past month one or both of us are jumping it as soon as the first ring starts. Basically we're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'll be visiting Grandpa on Tuesday with my mom. I have to be in town that day for a data entry test for a possible job and so I wanted to stop in and say hi to him. My mom just wants to come with me as I feel somewhat uncomfortable going by myself. Not because it's Grandpa but because... Well... I just am.

I had a dream the night before I went to visit him earlier this week that I was sitting in his hospital room with him and we were talking away and the next thing I know he rests his head on the pillow, closes his eyes, and the heart monitor goes flat.

Anyway.. back to tomorrow... I already know that I'm going to be highly uncomfortable being at that house without Grandpa being there. I'm worried that it'll feel like he's already gone, even though he's not. I felt that way as a kid when I would go visit my grandfather while my grandmother was in the hospital. It felt like she was already gone because she wasn't at the house. I was 9 back then. But here I am at 31 and worried about that sensation happening all over again.

I'm glad that Master will be with me. He's already told me that He's pretty much just going to be my shadow. He says this is family business. Don't worry, He knows He's family but He feels that this is something that is more for direct blood family. He was actually surprised by the fact my dad had invited Him out. Our family sees Him as family, the blood doesn't really play into it. We all want Him just as updated as the rest of us are.

I feel a little better after typing that all out. Still a bit anxious, but not as much as I was when I first started the post. I also think the music helps. It floods through me and it's always been something I use to either enhance or control my emotions. Right now I'm letting it wash over me so that my brain has something else to focus on. And I need something heavy right now. For instance as this exact moment I'm listening to "American Witch" by Rob Zombie.

It may seem odd that I need something heavy given the subject at hand. But heavy music helps me focus. It clears my mind. I don't want anything emotional right now. So heavy it is!