Sleep? What Is Sleep?

I haven't been sleeping for shit for a while now. I know most of it is due to stress with everything that is going on with my grandfather. I will say that certain family members aren't helping my stress levels at times but I also know that they are trying to cope with things the best they can as well. And sometimes that just means venting. Hell today alone was stressing me out. Not because of anyone in particular but just.. well.. it was.

I got a call from my dad today asking if my Husband and I could meet him out at Grandpa's house this upcoming Sunday. He informed me that he was inviting everyone. Everyone includes myself, my Husband, my brother, my uncle, my mother, and my mother's husband. Now, the last two shocked me. My mom and dad can be civil if they are in the same room however that doesn't mean they always are. Especially when emotions are high such as it is in this situation.

Anyway, I told my dad yes and he said he would be getting a hold of my brother as soon as he was off the phone with me. Okay. The only thing my father told me is that the meeting is taking place at Grandpa's house because it has the most room and that the meeting is so we can go over everything, as he put it. What we are going over, I have no idea. I know it'll be related to Grandpa but aside from that I have no clue.

I got off the phone with him and then about a half hour later my mother calls me asking if my dad had gotten a hold of me about Sunday. Yes, he did. She asked if I knew what this was about. No, I didn't. I was calm up to that point but then she asked me a second time and that time I put some force behind my voice. I said,  "No... I don't know what the meeting is about. All Dad told me was that everyone was invited and it is for Sunday. He did not tell me exactly what we will be going over."

I think I was annoyed more just by the fact that yesterday was really hard on me and I didn't sleep well last night or the night before. So calling to ask me if I knew anything more than you did is annoying. After that I went to soak in the bathtub.

I'm laying there soaking in the hot water and reading a book when Master brings the phone in. It's my brother. *sigh* Normally Master wouldn't have brought the phone in but since the situation with Grandpa is so high alert right now we're answering every phone call. Okay... So I talk to him. He was pissed off because he went over to Dad's place and Dad's neighbor was over. My brother and said neighbor don't really get along. Needless to say it didn't take long for things to heat up and my brother storming out. The reasoning this time is because the neighbor stepped on the subject of Grandpa and that set my brother off. So my brother called me to vent. I know he is stressed as well. And really, in our family I'm the only one he can vent to. My brother proceeds to tell me that he is now heading out to see our uncle. I basically said, "If you are in fact trying to get out any information that we will be discussing on Sunday, that's pretty stupid. They said we would all talk Sunday so there is no sense in trying to dig around about it right now." He assured me that isn't what he was doing and that he just wanted to see them. Okay. Fine.

I believe I overreacted after the fact. The fact that I know for sure that Grandpa is never going home is hitting me harder than I thought it would, and yes I am keeping Master updated about that. So knowing that we'll be going out there on Sunday already feels weird to me and then my mother and my brother both call me immediately there after. So... I vented to Master. That poor man... I have been venting a lot and just not being myself lately. He has told me that I am reacting rationally given the situation and it is not my bipolar just kicking up in my ass.

One thing that I did say to my mother and my brother is that I'm hoping that no one starts a screaming match. I said this for a few reasons:

• I don't know what the hell we'll be talking about so the unknown has me a little on edge.
• Everyone's emotions are in high gear.
• My father and my mother don't always act civil.
• My brother, my father, and my uncle have quick tempers.

My mom told me that if that does happen she'll just leave. My brother told me that he will keep his calm.

It may seem like I'm the go to person and I kind of am. I always have been. Everyone in my family comes to me when they need to vent. My father, my mother, and my brother. The only one who doesn't is my uncle and that's because my uncle and I aren't all that close. I love him because he's my uncle but we aren't close at all. Unless he is at Dad's house I don't see him. 

I think right now, after clearing my head a bit, that I overreacted with my flare up of being pissed off after speaking with my brother. Especially since he told me he isn't digging for more info. I believe him. But in that exact moment I just got pissed off about it. Like I said everyone's emotions are rather raw and as a result it doesn't take much for anyone to step on that one nerve.

Master went to bed about a hour and a half ago. I said I would go to bed with Him but He knew I wasn't tired and so He suggested that I stay up a bit and try to relax.

I felt tired as hell earlier this afternoon. I honestly was surprised that I didn't fall asleep on the couch while watching TV. That's how tired I felt. But now I'm wide the fuck awake and it's 4:35am right now. I don't want to go to bed and toss and turn and keep Master up. I did tell Him that I may just crash out here so in case I can't fall asleep I'm not getting in and out of bed. He understood.

Tomorrow is a new day and I'll try to start it with a better attitude.