Coin Toss

Not a lot to report from the past two days. Yesterday we went out to lunch with Master's dad which was fun. Today it was actually warm enough for us to sit outside for a little while. Other than that... Well... that's about it actually. I haven't been feeling well these past two days. My stomach has been working quite a number on me. Yesterday it was like one minute I was fine and the next minute I felt like absolute hell. Thankfully I was able to get my body to chill out long enough to go out to lunch with Master and my father-in-law. From that point on I was mostly touch and go. I ended up not only taking a nap on the couch but going to bed early last night. My body just wasn't having it. Today I've felt mostly fine. Just a few little moments of not feeling well. And again I took a nap on the couch. I hate it. It's not like I'm not getting enough sleep. That is definitely not an issue. For whatever reason when I'm not feeling well my body wants to do nothing but sleep.

Now I'm feeling fine again. I think earlier today it was basically the tail end of my not feeling well yesterday. It always seems to trickle into the next day, doesn't it?

I think a lot of it has to do with stress. Yes, my stomach can mess with me pretty badly when I'm stressed. Hell, all of my body does. And honestly I think I have been handling all of this extremely well. But that doesn't stop my body from acting up every now and then.

The really stupid thing is that nothing has changed. It's not like the stress has gotten more intense. There hasn't been anything added to the weight sitting on my shoulders. That isn't to say that it is all on my shoulders. It's not. It's just the phrase I'm using right now because I can't think of a better one or a more accurate one.

I think it's just been on my mind more the past couple of days because I've been waiting on a phone call from the place I had a phone interview with last Monday. I had been told I would hear from them within the following five business days if they were interested. I didn't hear from them so yesterday I shot off an e-mail to the person I had talked to last Monday. No response. So I'm figuring that it's not going to go anywhere. I still have the test on the 29th for the 911 operator. If I pass that test there will be other ones but at least it's a start.

I'm tossing my resume out and waiting. It's driving me crazy. I've "only" been unemployed for a little over a month but I have this anxious feeling on and off. I haven't been unemployed since I was 20 years old. Well, that's not entirely true. I was unemployed for a year and a half because I was going to college. And even then I wasn't really unemployed for part of it because I was stripping for a while.

So being unemployed for this long is really fucking with me. Especially when I think about things that we both want to get rolling but they are impossible until I get a job. A lot of things just aren't financially feasible. Hell, when I was working things were tight and we'd have to do a lot of tweaking with our finances in order to do anything fun. Now? Yeah.. no chance in hell.

Master knows that I'm stressed and since none of it is new it would all just be a broken record. There is an update with my grandfather, which I did tell Master.

My grandpa has been talking to my grandmother, who passed away 20 years ago, for a few years now. But for the past few weeks it is getting a lot more frequent. And it's not just a couple of sentences like it was before. Now he is having full on conversations. He will sit in his recliner and look over to the couch that she use to sit in next to him and talking away, having a back and forth conversation. I only know this because of my dad and my uncle being out there so frequently. He'll get mad at them for interrupting her when she is talking. He'll tell them that she is in the kitchen so if they want anything go ahead and ask her.

That may sound outrageous. But no, I don't think he's losing his mind. I think he feels her there. I think she may in fact be there waiting so she can help him go peacefully when it's time. She is probably trying to comfort him. You can call me crazy. You can think I'm nuts. But that is my belief. When I told Master all of this He agreed with me. This makes us both think that it's not too long now.

I want to go out there. Maybe I can do it under the guise of helping out my dad or my uncle clean up the house or something. I don't want it to come across as my wanting to see him one last time. After all he doesn't want people out there anyway, so if I go out there to help with something I think it'll go more smoothly. On the other hand I'm scared to go. I remember how much I broke down when he had his first heart attack. It was before I met Master and obviously it was before I was medicated and I was much younger back then. I know I can keep it under wraps while I'm there. But I'm afraid of how much of a mess I'll be after I leave. Or maybe I won't be. Maybe I'll feel more at peace. It's a coin toss. But it's not really about me. It's about my grandfather. Which is also why I keep going back and forth as to whether or not I should go. He doesn't want anyone out there but I want to see him.

I'll have to call my dad and see what he thinks. The worst that could happen is I go out there to visit and Grandpa tells me to leave. That may sound harsh, but like I said he doesn't want anyone out there unless it's necessary. He has kicked my dad and my uncle out before as soon as they are done doing whatever they are out there to do. I also don't want to go out there by myself. I mean Master would go too, but I think that if my dad was there too it would help. That way I can say I'm there to help dad do whatever around the house.

We'll see. I'll probably call my dad tomorrow.