I'm Not A Damsel In Distress

I must look pretty weak to most people. I had two experiences today that brought this to mind. Now, I'm only 5ft1 and about 110lbs. I know I'm petite but I'm stronger than I look. But I'm so used to doing things that when people react to it, I kind of look at them funny.

Example number one: Our dog has a wheat allergy. He cannot eat anything with wheat or grain in it. As a result, buying him dog food can be a little difficult when our normal pet store is out of what we buy him. Wheat and grain free dog food isn't the cheapest thing to buy and on top of that sometimes it'll say grain free but you look at the ingredients and it clearly has wheat listed. So we try very, very hard to just stick to his usual brand of dog food. This also proves to be a little difficult since it is a company that only delivers in the tri-state area. They are not a national brand so a lot of pet stores don't even carry it. There are two that we know of in our area.

The one we normally buy at was completely out until Tuesday. He couldn't wait until Tuesday. So the only other store is a good half hour drive from the house. Thankfully I was at work when I found out the usual store was out because the other place is on my way home.

Well, they didn't have the smaller bag of dog food, so I grabbed the 40lbs bag instead. I didn't grab a cart I just grabbed the bag and walked to the front of the store with it. I put it up on the counter and after I pay the lady asks me if I want a store clerk to help me out to my car. I said no thank you. Her response was, "Are you sure? You're such a tiny thing and that's a big bag of dog food."

I wasn't rude, I politely declined once again but I was thinking to myself, "Lady I just carried this across the store, I think I can make it to my damn car."

Example number two: I also knew we were out of soda. So I stop at the gas station on the way home and grab a 24 pack of soda. I'm standing in line and there is one guy checking out and a guy behind him. The guy directly in front of me tells me I can go ahead of him. He is literally only holding a 20oz soda in his hand. Nothing else. I again politely decline and tell him it's okay. I thanked him anyway.

His response, "You're welcome. I just saw how small you are and there you are holding a 24 pack of soda.."

I was still polite but said, "No worries, I just carried a 40lbs bag of dog food I can handle this." I laughed and his eyes got wide.

"Wow! Really?"

No I totally just made that up to fuck with you.

Again I know I'm petite but for crying out loud... a case of soda? Really?

Break Time

Well November is almost over and it was one hell of a busy month. There were good times and some very fucking annoying times but hey, we got through it all. I am taking this weekend off. Errands around town, fine because shit has to get done but I don't want to go all over creation and back.

Next weekend I'll be heading down to my mother's for another visit. We need to get some shopping done together and I get paid next week so it makes sense.

So far this week hasn't been horrible. It hasn't been wonderful either. Actually it's just been kind of a "whatever" type week. I haven't had the energy or enthusiasm to do jack shit. I do what I have to do at work, in other words I do my job, but then when I get home the engine turns off and I'm ready to be a bump on a log.

I know this isn't terribly exciting for Master and I'm honestly not doing it on purpose. I think my mind and body are just telling me to take the down time while I can before the insanity that is the rest of the holiday season ensues.

Once January hits things will calm down and go back to normal. And hopefully I'll have more ideas running through my head than just what is going on in day to day life right now. Like I said the brain stops running the minute I get through the door and while I'm at work it's only humming along enough to get my job done. There are really no other thoughts going on up there. I'm so damn interesting lately aren't I?

I Suck At Stalking People

You know that list of blogs I read on the right hand side of the screen? No, down a little bit more. Yes, that one! I will admit that I check some of them more regularly than others. We are all guilty of that! Stop judging me.

But for quite some time now I just haven't had the time to go through and read other blogs. Like the post title says, I suck at stalking people. Stalking takes time that I just don't have lately. Work is cutting into my stalking time!

So anyway, I sat down tonight and decided that I was going to sit the fuck down and stalk, I mean read, the blogs on my blogroll. So I'm clicking through and reading posts when I come to a link that is locked. Huh? Apparently one of them was set to invite only. Okay then.. So I go through my layout and remove that link.

I then proceed my stalking only to find a link that is no longer active. I shit you not it took me right to Go Daddy. Fuck. Deleted that one too. Then come two more that are no longer active! Ack! I honestly have no idea how long those links have been dead. No idea what so fucking ever.

It sucks trying to go to a blog that you enjoy but haven't been able to read in a while only to find that it's no longer there.

Hey, I get it. Sometimes you just want to stop or you don't have the time or you no longer want to share with the world. I totally understand. It's not like I actually get mad about it or anything. I'm not that crazy. But still, it's a bit of a bummer ya know?

I never plan on deleting this blog. It may seem like a chore to do a blog post sometimes but I know I'll always come back to it. But it almost makes me wonder what people would think if they clicked on a link to my blog and magically it was no longer there. I doubt it would really be a big deal to anyone aside from me. But I like to think some people would think it would suck. *laughs*

Catching Up To Me

It's kind of funny. Since I found out about my being on the list I haven't really had anything sexual to post about.

Nothing is wrong with Master and I, it's just been the kind of past few days where we're tired or we're sore or just not up for it.

But I suppose when you blog every day you can't post about sex constantly, let alone the dynamic portion of a relationship. It's not all roses and rainbows. There is real life in between the submission and the fucking after all. As unfortunate as that is.

If I could stay home and submit to Him and fuck all day and not have to worry about bills or groceries or any of those other pesky things that reality makes you deal with I'd be a very happy girl.

But money is needed and all that daily crap needs to be taken care of. Actually, the past few nights I've just been rather blah when I get home from work. It's not that I'm not happy to be home, because I really am. I immediately start to relax once I walk in the door.

But that doesn't stop my brain from not wanting to process anything. My brain just wants to be mush until I have to get up in the morning. Weird. I'm not like this normally this early in the week. After all, it's only Tuesday for crying out loud.

I think with how busy we've been during the weekend and then my being busy at work during the week it's all catching up with me. Thankfully, this weekend we don't have a damn thing going on. Not. One. Thing.

Sluggish Mind

The problem with not having to set an alarm for four days in a row is that you have a really difficult time going to bed on time. Last night Master allowed me to stay up a little bit but even after I went to bed I just couldn't get comfortable. I think I finally fell asleep and stayed asleep around 2am. The alarm went off and it kind of startled me awake. Fuck.

So I got up and got ready for the work day. I've been sluggish most of the day. It doesn't seem to matter how much caffeine I consume, I'm still sluggish.

I was a bit swamped today but this morning I had decided that I wasn't going to get stressed out today. And I didn't. I stayed calm and just did what I could do. I got most of it done and tomorrow shouldn't be as bad so it doesn't really matter.

Aside from work today there isn't a lot going on and there isn't much on my mind. As I said, I'm groggy and kind of sluggish. My mind is just ticking by slowly. I type rather quickly and when I look at the clock and then look back at what I've typed out I'm surprised there is so little there. *sigh*

Searching....

Last night after I made the little icon for the 2012 Sex Blogger badge I got this little itch for coding. I have absolutely no idea why since that was not coding at all except for when I replaced the image code. *shrugs*

So what happened? I all of a sudden went on a kick about finding a new template for my blog. I love this one, I really do, which makes me wonder why the hell I thought it would be a good idea to search for a new on in the first place. So I searched, and searched, and searched some more.

Most of the ones I found I just absolutely hated upon sight. Others I loved certain things about them but hated other parts. Then of course there were the ones I found "okay" and some others that I really, really liked but weren't the right colors or layout. Yes, I'm fucking picky! I know. *laughs*

I do not have the coding capabilities to make a really kick ass theme. I just don't. I'm willing to admit this. Plus I don't really have the time/energy to make a complete from scratch rocking template. Ugh. Just no.

So then I go back to my blog after searching for a few hours last night and then a couple of hours again today and I'm looking at it. Then I realize that ya know what? This one fits me. It's the perfect color combination for me and I just... well I've grown attached to it as odd as that may sound.

I've changed templates in the past (some of my long time readers may even remember some of the old ones) and I would get an itch or find some kind of flaw that took me a long time to see or maybe I even just grew tired of it. This one? The itch is kind of there, there are no flaws, and I'm not tired of it.

So why put myself through the hassle and frustration when I honestly love this one and am just trying to feed a small desire to code? Hell, if anything I could just tweak a few lines of code on this.

That's the other thing I thought about. I could totally change the color scheme. Rather than blue/aqua have red or purple. But I don't think it would look right. At least I can't picture it wen I look at the blog as it is now.

But the more I look at this one the more I realize I love it just the way it is. What do you guys/gals think?

I Made The List

I recently received an e-mail from a fellow blogger, Kira. She let me know about something that I had absolutely no clue about. It was surprising to say the least. I made the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2012 list! This is a list that is posted on Between My Sheets.

I was so pleased and shocked to be honest with you! I am truly honored to have made it onto the list. I'm number 55! I made sure to nab the little badge as I am proud of it, even if I didn't know about it! The website says that I may create my own badge so I took the liberty of creating my own graphic, but I left every other piece of coding the same!

I'm not sure how my blog got nominated or how they are judged but it's so nice to know that someone noticed my blog and finds it that enjoyable!

If you enjoy my blog I want to thank you for reading my words and thoughts here. If you nominated me, thank you very much for feeling that I deserved it!

I know it's not all sex, sex, sex but I am glad that regardless of the boring posts every now and then that you stifle the yawning long enough to get to a post you do like. *winks*

So again, thank you Kira for letting me know about this! And thank you to all of my readers!

Down Time

We were supposed to go to my dad's and then BC's place tonight. We were going to visit with my dad just to visit and then afterward we were going to swing by BC's place to pick up some venison steaks that he offered to Master. I will not be eating them. I don't know why but the thought of eating a deer does not appeal to me. But when we called BC to see what time would be okay to stop by it ended up being quite a bit later than we originally thought and we wanted to be home by then.

I was the one that called BC after Master told me to and so I was acting as an in-between on that. So BC would tell me something and I'd run it past Master and then back to BC. Have I mentioned that Master hates talking on the phone?

So eventually it was decided that BC will be dropping them off on Sunday. I don't know if he plans on hanging out or not. It's not like I wouldn't like to see him but I was looking forward to two days with just Master and I. For the past month we have been running around and doing everything with everyone basically. Not a lot of down time on the weekends for just the two of us. It's not that I don't enjoy the time with one another it's just that knowing I had a four day weekend this week and that Thursday and Friday would be with family I thought that Master and I would have Saturday and Sunday completely to ourselves.

Oh well. Like I said I don't even know if BC is staying for a visit or if he's dropping off and running. Either way though. Although knowing BC he'll probably sit for a bit. I don't really remember a time he's just dropped something off and ran out right away. He'll normally stay for about a half hour or so, sometimes longer.

But we don't have any plans next weekend that I know of, so maybe that'll be two days straight with no physical contact with anyone else. The phone is one thing ya know?

Territory

Today was a very odd day. It wasn't really odd until we got to His mother's house but I'll get to that in a minute.

Master and I relaxed until we had to leave a little before 2pm. We then headed down to my mother's. We mainly just sat around and talked about various things. It was relaxed and my mother had to get up and check on her turkey once or twice. But other than that it was just sitting in the living room and talking. Nice, relaxed, and simple.

We were there four about 2 1/2 hours before we had to head out to my mother-in-law's house. This is where it got odd. Her husband has always been really excited when we walk in the door. Hugs and hi how are ya type thing. Well this time, yeah... not so much. His son and his son's wife were down and I understand he doesn't get to see them much but we were pretty much ignored by him the entire time we were there. That made it a little uncomfortable. We ate and talked but there was one thing that both Master and I noticed that made the evening even more uncomfortable.

His son's wife was checking out my Husband every chance she thought she could get away with it. She would be staring at Him and then shoot me dirty looks. When she noticed that Master looked in her direction she would quickly turn her head in hopes that He didn't notice that she had been staring. All this was going on with her husband sitting right there, completely oblivious to it.

Now, normally I am an extremely territorial person. I fully admit this and I know a lot of people don't think it's a very slave like thing to do. But ya know what? I don't give a fuck. He's mine. Master knows I think this way and fully encourages it. He has gone so far as to say that He is mine just as much as I am His. He's the boss, but He's still my "property" if you will. He's my territory. End of story.

But since we were at His mother's house and this is His mother's husband's son's wife (follow me on that one?) I wasn't really sure how to react without causing a bunch of shit to go down and making the night even more uncomforable. As I said Master noticed her doing all of this too and as a result ignored her unless He absolutely had to acknowledge her presence.

But see, that's part of the problem. When we sat down to eat dinner Master and I sat at the dining room table which is butted up right next to the living room. My mother-in-law and her husband were in their own recliners. The son was on the couch. So what does this bitch do? She purposely moves to go behind Master's chair so that He has a reason to look at her and get out of her way. She inches past Him and sits right next to Him. She even moved her chair closer to Him. She threw dagger eyes in my direction. Master turned His back to her and talked to me and His mom the entire time.

Her husband didn't say a damn thing. He just sat there eating and watching TV.

After dinner she didn't go around the table, yet again, and instead asked Master to move so she could move past Him. Eventually she sat next to her husband on the couch but continued to stare at Master and laugh at everything He said and then roll her eyes if He talked about me at all.

They decided they wanted to go Black Friday shopping early since some of the stores were doing it tonight in the hopes that the crowds wouldn't be so bad tomorrow. They left before we did and so when they said goodbye the son said goodbye to both of us. What does this snotty little bitch do? Turns to Master and says, "It was really nice seeing you. I hope to see you again soon. Happy Thanksgiving!" and doesn't say a damn thing to me and doesn't even acknowledge my presence.

I fully admit that it took a lot of will power to sit there while all of this was going on instead of having my normal reaction of calling the bitch out on it. But, as I said, we are at His mother's house and I knew that if I reacted she would be the innocent victim and I would look like a crazy bitch who was just out to get her for no reason what so ever. She's a drama queen and a half and has her husband and her husband's father wrapped around her finger. Master also had no idea how to react. So, we just let it be.

After they left His mother and the two of us sat and talked for a little while and had dessert. Ya see, her husband had gone with them and she was horrified at the fact that they had left because she felt it was incredibly rude. She didn't even know they were going to be doing this until right before dinner. She told us that if she had known she would have planned things differently.

We stayed for about another half hour and then eventually headed home. We talked about everything on the ride home and we both vented about that little twat waffle.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. *shrugs* With my family, after my grandmother passed away, it became more of a everyone get together and visit type of thing. It wasn't really a celebration of anything. There are no formalities to it anymore. When my grandmother was alive she would get the whole group together, including relatives out of state. It was a big deal back then. But most of those people have passed on. My grandmother, two of my great aunts, one of my uncles, a few of my cousins and my Oma and Opa. Everyone else was from out of state and once my grandmother passed away no one came anymore. And now that my parents are divorced and my grandfather has pretty much given up entirely on holidays as he says he's getting too old there is no tradition anymore. So as I said, it's more of a visit type thing.

Master's family doesn't make a big deal out of it either. In fact aside from this year His mother has never invited us over for it. But this year is different. Her husband's son and his son's wife are coming down from Minnesota and so magically she invited us.

Master is not a fan of holidays. Never has been, never will be. But He puts up with it in regards to my family. Thankfully He likes His in-laws. But His mother? Yeah. Not so much. Not to mention neither of us can stand her husband's son and his son's wife.

So tomorrow we are going to visit my mother for a while and then go over to His mother's. My mom's should be easy. Just talk and hang out for a while. Who the hell knows how it'll go at His mother's. One thing I do know is that we're going to end up pissing her off at some point.

Why? Well, we have been getting along really, really well with His father's side of the family. And she has a lot of venom for Master's father. A lot. Master has been talking to His father and that side of the family for a few years now and it's only gotten better. But every time you bring that up to His mom she gets pissy really fast.

With how things are going now with His father's side of the family, we are getting to be a lot closer to them and it's wonderful. So, we plan on rubbing that in her face a bit. Okay, maybe more than a bit. But they are genuine in wanting to see us. When His mother invites us over it's so we can help her with something or her husband suggests it. *shrugs* Hopefully we won't be there too long and we can come home and relax.

It's kind of weird knowing that I don't have to go to work tomorrow though. 

Butt Slut

Yesterday I had been thinking about anal. We had literally just had anal sex last week. But now that I am enjoying it more and more it has been on my mind more frequently. So I was messaging with Master and I asked Him how often He "expects" anal sex. He seemed kind of confused by the question at first. He said that we use to do it about once a month back when we were doing it regularly, before everything pretty much stopped due to my mental blocks.

He asked me if I was in the mood for it and if that was why I was asking. My only response was, "Kind of." I am still trying to make sure that no "pressure" on the subject builds up in my mind even though I know Master is not pressuring me about it at all.

So He told me basically whenever my body is up for it and the mood strikes me, for now. He does want to get me to a place where He'll just be able to tell me it's going to happen and then it does. He doesn't want to do it too frequently though. As in not every day or anything along those lines.

So He told me to just let Him know.

When I got home from work apparently that conversation had continued to swim through His brain just as it had mine because He was grabbing my ass and slapping it every chance He could. That made me giggle and smile at Him.

Eventually we headed off to the bedroom after the animals were all taken care of. He ate me out for a little while and then fucked me until I came a few times. After about the second orgasm I asked Him if He wanted to try and fuck me in the ass. Well, that was a stupid question wasn't it? Yes, yes it was.

He asked me if the lube was still on the headboard. It was. So I simply went over to the dresser, grabbed my favorite vibrator and turned on the lamp. I got back onto all fours and as Master was putting lube on His cock and spreading some on me as well I took a few pump fulls of lube myself (it's a hand pump bottle) and slicked my hand with it.

As He started to slide His thick cock into my ass I reached back with my slicked up hand and rubbed the lube along the underside of His dick as well as on my taint. I did make a few "owie" type noises. It sounds more like a quick intake of breath. Master stopped moving. I didn't say a damn thing. I just kept spreading the lube around for a little while. Since I didn't say anything Master eventually started moving forward again. At that point I was starting to relax a little bit so I grabbed my vibrator and put it on my clit. I was bowed down with my ass in the air when I got off the first time. Master praised me as the orgasm rolled through my body.

I dropped the vibrator and just enjoyed. I still do have to focus in order to make sure I stay relaxed but I'm getting better at it! And the concentration isn't keeping me from enjoying anything. I got off several times.

At one point Master had me kneel up. He was kneeling behind me and He grabbed my neck and forced me to kneel in front of Him with His cock still buried in my ass and bounced me off of it like that. It was overwhelming and amazing and just wow! He told me as I got off that eventually He'll have me riding His cock like that. I'd sure in the hell like to work up to that! Not only am I sure that eventually that will feel really good, but that it'll also feel like some kind of accomplishment on my part. Also? I know Master is going to be very, very pleased with me. I'm a good girl addict, what can I say.

I did end up begging for His cum at length. As He slammed balls deep into me He said, "Well, you have been good.."

How hot is that?! Very!

Again He was extremely pleased and proud of me. After we were both cleaned up and were in the living room Master commented on how docile I get during and after anal sex. He's right. I go into an entirely different sub space afterward.

Later on right before I had to go to bed Master made use of my pussy. So I got two of my three holes coated in cum last night.

He was so happy with me and I was happy as a result and am so glad that I'm starting to enjoy anal sex so much! It took me a long time but I got past my mental blocks. I know that this doesn't guarantee that every time we try it will be successful. I know there will still be days where my body just isn't going to allow it to happen. And I understand this. So I'll just enjoy it when it is possible and not worry about it when it's not. I won't worry because I know that eventually my body will allow it and I'll be able to has His thick cock balls deep in my ass once again soon.

Crazy Slave Is Crazy

Today I hit a little low point. My self esteem suddenly took a strong nose dive. It was nothing anyone said or did. It just happened out of no where. This use to happen quite often but this is the first time it's happened in a very, very long time.

I was at work but Master and I were messaging back and forth when it happened. So I told Him about it and asked Him some questions. He walked me through it and I was okay after about 15 minutes or so. I know that doesn't sound like a long time or that it was a big deal but trust me, at the time it felt like a big deal.

You know what helped the most? Master telling me basically that it's up to Him whether or not I'm "good enough" or that I'm a good wife or a good slave. It's His measuring stick we're going by not mine. That knocked me out of it. That's what made me snap back.

See, I told you this dynamic helps with my bipolar disorder.

I don't know what caused it. I really don't. And I think that's the most frustrating part of it. I don't know why. But what is most important is that I'm snapping out of it almost as quickly as it hits me as long as I am able to talk to Master about it. I feel that it would have taken longer had I been made to wait until I got home to talk to Him about it. But it's also not something that I can really talk about over the phone at work either. So I'm glad that Master and I were messaging back and forth at the time.

So when I got home my mood was just fine. Master has been giving me a little more affection and what not. He always does when I have a sudden turn like that. He does it to help reassure me and to comfort me. But He also tightens the grip. It's the structure that I need along with the affection. It's a hell of a balancing act at time but Master knows how to handle it and how to handle me.

I'm so grateful that I have Him and that I am His and His alone. I was lucky enough to have found Him when I was so young, to have Him stand by my side before my diagnosis when my symptoms were at their worst and to still have Him now, almost 10 years later.

Mellow

My brother came up for the weekend. I left work a couple of hours early to go pick him up. When we got back home we pretty much just relaxed the entire night. Honestly we didn't do a lot at all.

We ran a couple of errands Friday night and then on Saturday we went out to lunch with my father-in-law and my brother-in-law. It was the first time that side of Master's family has met a member of my family and it went really well. My brother-in-law had brought his 1 year old son as well. I had to steal him for a little while to goof around with him a little bit. He is the most mellow and happy baby I have ever met in my life. We were at lunch for about two hours.

We all said goodbye and my brother had a good time and was happy that he could meet some of Master's family.

We played a card game and watched movies. My brother and I were ready to pass out rather early for some reason. Well, my brother hadn't been sleeping well and I've been stressed out and spread thin for a while now.

When my brother spends the night he sleeps on our couch. So Master came into the bedroom with me and just read until He was ready to fall asleep as well. Today I took him back home around 1pm. After I dropped him off my mother and I ran a few errands. When I finally got back home I felt spacey. I still do honestly. I'm not tired exactly but I am just mellow as hell and feel lazy.

Master used me and that just made me feel even more mellow and relaxed. Like I said I feel rather lazy and it's not even 6:30pm. I'm glad that I only have to get through 3 word days. On Thursday we'll be visiting my mom and then His mother. After that I get three days of nothing but spending time with Master. I'm looking forward to it.

Don't get me wrong I really enjoyed having my brother up for the weekend but I'm glad that I don't have to do anything at all past Thursday.

Cell Phone Theme - Nerd Alert

I try to have a "theme" for my cell phone. It's just a regular cell phone that is touch screen and has a keyboard. But I like to customize the wallpapers and the ringtones so they all match up to a theme. I've had Doctor Who on there for quite some time and while I'm still a big fan I wanted to change it. I had been trying to figure out to what though. I was talking to Master about it. He is constantly changing the desktop and screen saver on our computer. He told me that He just basically picks something that He is a big fan of and goes from there. So I'm sitting there and trying to figure it out since I want it all to match and when you add sounds to the mix it makes it a little more difficult.

Then it dawned on me! Hellraiser.

I'm a huge Hellraiser fan. I have been since I was a teenager. So I started searching online. I refuse to pay for ringtones and wallpapers when I get send them to my phone for free.

Lo and behold I stumbled upon the ringtones I wanted. There are plenty of lines from the movies. You know, Pinhead saying lines from the movies and all that. But I don't want lines from a movie. The down side is that with Hellraiser there aren't a lot of songs that immediately make you remember the movie.

But I found a way around that. I found the song that plays with the Cenobites begin to appear. The song that plays when the lights start to show behind the walls, that kind of thing. I then also found the toymaker song. Rock on. So I set the "cenobites" music as my text message alert and the toymaker song I set as my regular ringtone.

I then started hunting down cell phone wallpapers. The down side is that there aren't a lot of really good ones. I found one of the box that was pretty cool so I set that as my unlock screen. I found a few other pictures I liked that I sent to my phone but I want to find some better ones. I just tossed them on there because I wanted the entire theme changed right now. I get impatient about things like that. Now that that's out of the way I can take my time and find some better ones.

Tap That Ass

Last night while Master was eating me out He fingered my ass and I was able to relax immediately. There was no real discomfort. Master commented on that afterward because we are still in the anal training stage. I didn't feel pressured or anything along those lines. It was more of a "Ya know what? You're right."

I was thinking about last night while I was at work. I tend to do that sometimes. If we have really great sex the night before I tend to think about it the next day at work at some point. Well, as a result I was thinking about the sex last night and that comment/realization entered my head. So while I was messaging with Master in the afternoon I bought up the fact that I would like to try having anal sex again. I asked Him if He was game. (Stupid question.) And He said definitely. (Exactly what I was expecting His answer to be.)

On the way home I didn't get nervous about it. Sometimes after I mention it earlier in the day I'll start over thinking it. What if it hurts? What if I can't relax? Which of course leads to my body wanting to fight it even more even if my mind wants me to be stubborn and proceed. Not this time. So far so good.

When I got home from work we ate dinner and relaxed for a little while. When I went into the bathroom to brush my hair real quick Master followed me in there and not so subtly hinted at the fact that He wanted to go fool around soon. Not right that minute, but soon. As in within the hour. He doesn't tell me a time frame or anything. I just can normally tell based on the words He is using, the tone of His voice and the look in His eyes.

I responded by giggling and rubbing His cock through His jeans a little bit while smirking.

About a 30 to 40 minutes went by (how did I know?) and He was ordering me to the bedroom. I got in there first and laid down. When He came in He asked if I still wanted my ass played with. I sounded a little nervous when I said yes, I'm sure of it. Why did He ask? I mean He is the Master after all. Well, He had to turn the light on and make sure we knew where the lube is. He leaves the light on in the bedroom if we're having anal sex.

He ate me out for a little while but I didn't get off from it simply because I didn't want to have a really strong orgasm and then be ultra sensitive. I don't know why but when it's a clit stimulated orgasm it's a lot more likely to make me extremely sensitive really fast. That would be counter productive. I sucked His cock for a while and then He had me get on all fours and fucked my pussy until I came a few times. After that He pulled out and grabbed the lube.

I had placed a vibrator on the headboard. This way I could use it on my clit to try and get me to relax if I needed to. So He lubed us both up and started pushing His thick cock up my ass. I did have to ask Him to pull out one time to put more lube on. After that, once He was inside me again I asked Him to stop for a moment. I grabbed more lube and reached back putting more on the underside of His cock. He then started to slowly fuck my ass. I  grabbed my vibrator and used it on my clit until I came and I came hard. It was like a shot had gone off. That's how fast and intense it was. After that one orgasm I dropped the vibrator. I was more than relaxed. I was actually greatly enjoying the ass fucking.

Eventually He had me bow down so that my ass was in the air and my head was on the mattress. I had three anal stimulation only orgasms. I am very thankful that Master allows me to get off when I want to during anal sex. Normally I have to wait until He tells me I can or orders me to cum. During anal He just lets me cum when I want to/need to. Why? Well first off they are a really new experience to me. It only happened once before and this time three? Wow. Secondly I can't really control them. They are very sudden and when it hits it's out of no where.

Lately during anal within 10 minutes I'm begging Him to cum because I just can't take it anymore but not this time. He fucked my ass slowly and enjoyed the view. He talked dirty to me and I just simply melted into sub space.

He did slip out a couple of times. Apparently I moved when I didn't even realize I had and that on top of a lot of lube caused Him to slip out. Now, up until today if He slipped out that was pretty much it. My ass would iris shut and there was no way it was relaxing again. Today He was able to slide right in like a hot knife through butter. It was amazing. And each time it happened He praised me even more.

He had me lay on my stomach and pinned me down. After a little while I will fully admit that I started to feel overwhelmed and started begging for His cum. He said no and that now that He had what He wanted He was going to take full advantage of it. That turned me on more to be perfectly honest.

When it did feel like He was getting close to cumming I started to beg again. "Please Master I need Your cum in my ass." I know that it really turns Him on when I beg like that. We both enjoy dirty talk after all. He moved one leg up, pressed down on my shoulder with one hand and my hip with the other and pumped His cum into me.

He cleaned Himself up afterward and when He was done I was still laying on the bed. There was no "mess" aside from the lube and I was still on my stomach. He laid down next to me and called me His butt slut. *giggles*

He has told me repeatedly, after I got cleaned up, that He is very, very proud of me for not only taking it like a good girl and taking it for as long as I did but for also cumming from it. He is thrilled that I am getting off from it as He knows that will only make me want to do it more frequently and the added sensation it gives Him. Not to mention the satisfaction of forcing me to have an orgasm. *laughs*

So, my ass is a little tender but I love the lube we are using now. It lasts a long, long time and isn't sticky. It's more comfortable. That's really the best way I can describe it.

Now? Now I'm out of it and just very relaxed and pleased. He told me at one point that one of the reasons He loves anal so much is because to Him it is the ultimate form of ownership.

As He oh so delicately put it, "If I'm in your ass, I own your ass."

*smirks*

Shocker

Anyone remember how not all that long ago we had those neighbors that just would not stop complaining to our landlord due to a verbal altercation Master and their middle aged son got into? Yes? No? Maybe?

Well I did quite a few posts about it while it was happening in order to vent a bit. Long story short, they had a verbal argument that got a little heated. We thought that was the end of it and next thing we know they are sending two letters a week to the landlord complaining about us. At the end of it the landlord offered to hold a meeting with them so we could clear the air. Four days before the meeting was supposed to happen the neighbors called the landlord and cancelled the meeting. From that point forward we hadn't heard a peep out of the upstairs neighbors.

No big deal. We went about business as usual and just stayed out of their way. Well tonight Master came in from taking out the dog and the first words out of His mouth were, "Babe, are we living in a different reality?"

Um. What?

So He told me that He ran into the upstairs neighbor (the one He got into a verbal argument with) on the way back in. My first thought was oh shit! But apparently it went the completely opposite direction than either of us would have ever thought it would go. It was only a matter of time after all.

Anyway, Master was walking our dog back inside and as He was coming up the main sidewalk the upstairs neighbor stopped Him. He actually apologized to Master about everything and told Him that he hopes there were no hard feelings. Master said that He apologized also (meaning about the argument) and that He understands that it was a bad day for everyone involved. The guy offered a handshake and Master shook his hand. Then the guy looked at our dog, who he had originally complained about, and called him a good dog.

That was it. They both said to have a good night and parted ways. As Master is telling me all of this I'm sure I had a look of shock on my face. I just can't believe it. I also have no fucking clue what prompted it. After all, the complaints stopped after the meeting was cancelled and that was a few months ago. So we had figured that they would just ignore us like we were ignoring them and life would continue that way.

But now that the guy took the time to actually talk to Master and apologize unprompted, I told Master that we should start being a little nicer. I've seen this guy in the parking lot before as I'm getting out of my car or something like that and I've just not said anything or even really looked at him.

There is a bit of a language barrier and I'm not sure what their native language is but you can tell that they come from a very proud heritage just by the way that they carry themselves. So for someone like that to just apologize out of nowhere blew me away.

So I think the next time I see him I'll just nicely say hi and wave. And I don't mean sarcastically. I just want to be nice. I am a royal bitch sometimes and I pride myself on that but when I'm dealing with people I have to live around I try to be nice because I don't want to have problems and we all have to live here so why cause drama, ya know?

I'm both shocked and relieved that this happened. I honestly hadn't thought about it much since the meeting was cancelled but this brought it to the forefront of my mind and I'm just happy that it's over.

Late Night

This past weekend flew by. The wedding took up most of Friday evening and 98% of Saturday. Then yesterday was Master's nephew's first birthday so we went to his birthday party.

We had a really good time and it was a lot of fun. When I say that the wedding flew by I'm not saying that we wasted it or anything it just felt like we didn't really have time to breathe. So last night when Master and I got home and everything was settled for the night I thought I would be exhausted. I thought He would have been too. But I was wrong on both counts. We were both wide awake.

Master normally has me go to bed on a Sunday by midnight at the latest. But because we didn't have a lot of down time or alone time He actually allowed me to stay up until 2:30am! And not only that, He fucked me and it was absolutely amazing! I had asked to be used so I wasn't allowed to cum but sometimes that makes it even more hot.

As soon as He was done cuddling with me afterward He smacked me on the ass gently and told me I had to go to sleep. And I passed the hell out.

Today I was tired, yes but it was so worth it. After work I stopped at home to pick up Master so we could run some errands together. We decided to just grab some drive-thru on the way home. We were both hungry and just wanted to be able to relax as soon as we walked in the door. And that's exactly what we did.

Now I have to take the mutt out and take my bath. After that I can just chill the rest of the night, well as long as I can keep my eyes out.

Their Big Day

Yesterday was the big day. The entire wedding party was supposed to be there by 2pm. Master and I got there maybe five minutes early. About 15 minutes later the groom showed up. I couldn't go sit in the ceremony room so I sat in a small waiting area just outside the men's changing room. Master came out and sat by me for a little while after He changed into His tux. Then everything got crazy as hell. It was like everything started happening at one time and no one knew what to do first. After Master was told that He was good to go we stepped outside for a minute to get out of everyone's way and take a deep breath. I took some pictures of Him in His tux and He took some pictures of me in my outfit. He told me several times that I looked sexy as hell. I was so happy that He was pleased.

Although I will say I hate regular pantyhose. They are uncomfortable. Give me thigh highs or crotchless pantyhose any day!

Finally I could go sit in the ceremony room. I found a seat right in the front row and actually it was a seat directly in line where I knew Master would be standing so that made me happy as well. The ceremony started and Master and I smiled at one another once He was in place.

Master and I are not christian. You all know that by now I'm sure. But holy hell I don't think they could have crammed any more prayers into it. I'm not exaggerating when I say they had four different sets of vows. I was confused when they didn't pull out the rings on the first one. But there was a candle ceremony thing, and then vows from the officiant, then their own vows and then finally the actual vows where they said "I will." I found it a little odd that they didn't say "I do" but hey.. what do I know about religious weddings. Nothing at all.

After the ceremony it was time for the bridal party pictures and so the guests had a cocktail hour. Literally every person I knew there was in the bridal party so I just kind of walked around a little bit and no one there would even really look at me let alone talk to me so I just plopped my ass down on the stairs and stayed there for the entire time. Towards the end the bridal party came in (minus the bride and groom). Master saw me and pulled me outside again for the breather.

And then it was time for the reception. They all sat at the head table. They had made little ornament looking things with names attached to them so everyone knew which table to sit at. I was at the table literally right in front of the head table. That made me smile.

After dinner they cut the cake and then had their first dance. After a little while the bridal party was asked to dance as well, with the people that they were assigned to for the walk down the aisle. So Master danced with that girl for a while. I think she was as uncomfortable as He was. She's a lesbian and you could tell she was like, "I have to dance with a man?!"

And then of course it got a little goofy. Master started dancing with the groom and when the other best man cut in to dance with the groom Master danced with the bride. I didn't get a dance with Him at all but I know He hates dancing anyway so the fact that He was forced to in the first place was enough for Him.

Master got some pictures of the groom and I together. He's my friend too and I've known him for almost 10 years. Then the groom took some pictures of Master and I together. The professional wedding photographer also took some pictures of us together. Why? I have no idea.

But you know what I was most excited about? We got a new picture of us together! We haven't had a good picture of us since about 2009. That's a long time. So I was more than pleased about having a new picture with Master as was He.

We did cut out after two hours though but before we went I wanted to see their wedding rings so as soon as I got a hug out of each of them I asked. Their rings don't match. They are beautiful rings but they are completely different. Does that happen a lot? Our rings match.

The four of us (Master, myself, the bride and the groom) promised each other that after the holiday rush we would have to start seeing each other more often. In fact they both apologized to us for being invisible for the past year or so. That blew me away. The bride has actually really warmed up to us.

So, it looks like we're going to be seeing more of them after December. Which is a good thing. We don't have a lot of friends and Master has been friends with the groom for almost 25 years. It'll be good for him to come back to the table ya know?

Itinerary

I have absolutely no idea what time we'll be home tonight so I thought I would do a post now. If Master wants me to do another post when we get home, of course I'll do it. But I thought I might as well take this precaution. I was hoping to get some more sleep since Master and I didn't go to bed until damn near 3am but after I took the dog out I was wide awake. I tried to go back to bed but nope. And I didn't want to toss and turn and disturb Master. So here I am.

We sat up last night talking. I still can't wrap my head around all this more "traditional" wedding thing. So we talked about that for a while. And then this morning when I decided I wasn't able to fall asleep I came out here to check my e-mail and decided to re-read the e-mail the bride sent out about a week ago with the itinerary. It all seems so involved and crammed together.  There is going to be no breathing room for the bride and groom with the way they have everything stacked.

So, we'll have access to the place at 2pm. Master has to be there by that time so of course that means I do. We don't live close enough where I could drop Him off and then come back in about a hour and a half. It's about a half hour drive so that's just a waste of gas.

I'll be getting ready before we leave. However, Master will be dressed normal and be bringing the tux with Him. He has to change out of the tux before we leave for home as the place that the tuxes were rented from will be taking them from there. At least we don't have to worry about dropping it off. All the men in the bridal party and the groom will be in one room getting ready. And all the women in the bridal party and the bride will be in a different room getting ready. So I'll be in the room the ceremony is taking place in until it's time for the ceremony to actually start.

Apparently all that is going to take about an hour because the bride and groom's professional photo shoot will be at 3pm. The ceremony is then at 3:30pm. After the ceremony the bridal party will be doing their professional photo shoot and while that is going on there will be a "cocktail hour" for the guests.

Once the cocktail hour is over the "receiving line" for the dinner will start at 5:30pm so that everyone is seated by 6pm for dinner.

I have no idea how long the dinner/reception is going to go on for. This is exactly the reason why I am doing a post now.

It's not like Master and I can leave a hour into it as He is the best man. I don't think Master will want to stay too late though since we do have a half hour drive home.

Master did tell me that once He's all ready, while the groom and bride have their pictures done, He'll come sit by me for a little while before the ceremony. He also told me that if it's at all possible He wants me in the front row so I am in His direct line of sight. It's a huge fucking room and there is stadium seating so I don't think that'll be a problem especially since I'll be sitting there for a hour and a half prior to the ceremony itself.

Also, I'm made sure that I painted my nails in Master's favorite color. Purple. I wanna look good. Not for anyone else. The only one I ever want to look good for is my Husband. And I enjoy the fact that He is proud that I am on His arm. So I'm going to do my best to look good for Him today. I've got my nails painted His favorite color, fingers and toes, and I've already got my make-up on even though we won't be leaving for another three hours. 

Rehearsal

Last night after I got home from work Master and I had to go pick up the tux He'll be wearing for BC's wedding on Saturday. He had to try it on to make sure everything was okay. He was grumbling the whole time. He hates tuxes. He wore a really nice suit for our wedding and it looks great on Him. And hey, we got to keep it rather than just renting it for a day.

Tonight we had to go to the wedding rehearsal. Now, these things don't really make a lot of sense to me. But then again we had a simple court house wedding. There was nothing to rehearse. Master and I are very laid back people and a court house wedding was perfect for us.

But anyway, like I said we had to go to the rehearsal. We got down there by 6pm and we actually got there before the bride and groom. They were late to their own rehearsal. Whatever. So I sit on the sidelines and Master goes through all the best man stuff. He was told where He has to stand, and how He's walking in, how to walk out, who He's walking with... etc and so on.

It took a while. It wasn't very organized at all. It was basically a lot of going over things more than once because they couldn't decide if they wanted it done one way or the other. Ugh.

While I was sitting there I talked to the groom's parents. I will know a total of six people at this wedding. Master, the groom, the bride, the groom's parents and the groom's sister. And really the bride and the groom's family members are more acquaintances. So, really I'll only know Master and the groom. And since Master is the best man I won't really be seeing Him/talking to Him until after the reception dinner. We have to get there by 2:30pm and the wedding isn't until 3:30pm. So I'll basically be sitting down somewhere in the room where the ceremony is and then when the dinner part comes I'll be sitting at a table with a bunch of people I don't know at all and finally when the dinner is done I'll be able to be near my Master again.

I know this all sounds codependent but it's not like I can't survive without Him there it's just very, very odd to be with Him somewhere and not be able to be near Him. It's uncomfortable for me. Especially since I'm not a very social person. And it's not one sided. Master feels the same way. He told me that He hopes the dinner goes quickly so He can come be by me.

We are one of those odd couples that love being near one another and enjoy just hanging out with each other.

Finally the rehearsal was done and it seemed like everyone knew what the fuck they are supposed to be doing so hopefully it'll go smoothly tomorrow.

Oh, and today? Today I had to buy pantyhose. *shudders* With the dress I'm wearing it's too short to be able to just pull off thigh highs. But I bought black pantyhose! There is no way in hell I'd wear "nude" pantyhose.

So I'll be in a black sleeveless dress, black pantyhose and black heels. I'll be the lady in black. I use the term lady very loosely. But hey, I was decked out in all black for our wedding so why the hell not. (Although I didn't wear pantyhose.)

Peaks and Valleys

Master and I had a reconnecting over the past weekend. It was in regards to my submission. I haven't been bad or punished or anything like that. It's just that there seems to be peaks and valleys.

I never step outside of my boundaries but there are times where my submission to Him is more apparent than others. And the same goes for Him too. Sometimes His Domination over me is more apparent than others. There is nothing wrong with it. It's just how life goes.

When you are in this dynamic 24/7 it's like any other part of your life.

I have been much more submissive lately. I'm still a smart ass and all that and Master still jokes around and all that. It's not like military school or anything.

I really don't know how to describe it really. At least not in words. It's just a feeling that is carried out through my actions. He has been more Dominant and as a result I have reacted more submissively.

Master has commented on it as well. He is pleased which in turn makes me happy.Things seem to be less stressful when I'm in those mode as well. It's not like He makes my life a living hell when I'm not the perfect slave. He doesn't. It's just my mindset I think. I'm more in that "I just have to please Him" mindset and it's a lot less stressful when I'm in that part of my brain.

It's very simple. Is He pleased? Yes. Then everything is good.

I'm hoping I'll be able to hang onto this feeling for a while. As I said, there are peaks and valleys. I just hope this peak doesn't end any time soon.

Lady Problems

Well, I kinda sorta got yelled at by both Master and my mother on the same subject. Okay, not quite yelled at. More like lectured.

And it's my brother's girlfriend's fault.

My brother had called me a couple of nights ago asking me about female health problems basically. Well, apparently his girlfriend is going to be getting an IUD and prior to having that done she had to have a pap smear. She got a letter in the mail saying that her results had come back abnormal and to please see the attachment. The attachment was blank. She then proceeded to freak out.

So my brother called me and without any warning at all put her on the phone. This is the same girl who wanted to act like I wasn't there when I met her and was around her for a whopping 15 minutes but my brother puts her on the phone and suddenly I'm her life long friend. Well, at least that's the way she sounded on the phone.

I ended up just repeating myself over and over again about just calling the doctor to see what was going on. I found it a bit weird that she got a letter rather than a phone call but she had gone to Planned Parenthood rather than an OB/GYN office.

So it came to light that she had wanted to know what I specifically had to say as she had found out I had gone through something similar. Well, she's right on that one. My brother remembered that I had one point had to get a biopsy done. Why he remembered I don't know. I do think it freaked him out at the time as he took it a hell of a lot more seriously than I did.

I got fixed when I was 21 years old. And of course before you have surgery of that kind they want to do a pap smear. Mine came back abnormal. So they did a biopsy. The sample came back stating that I had precancerous cells. As a result they decided to basically freeze it all. That is a very fucking odd sensation let me tell you. After that I had to have another biopsy done and finally I was able to get fixed.

I told her all of this and she had fifty million questions and it all came back to me telling her to call her doctor.

So, why would any of this lead to a lecture from not just Master but Master and my mother? Um, well, ya see... I haven't been back to an OB/GYN since then. Yep. That's right. I haven't gone to once since I was 21. I'm 29 now.

Honestly, most of it is because of insurance. Although I have had insurance for the past three years. So yeah, add forgetfulness to it as well. I honestly hadn't even thought about it. So Master lectured me first and then my mom got on me about it.

None of us even really thought about when they found the precancerous cells. I just remember getting fixed. It wasn't until that conversation with my brother's girlfriend that I had even thought about it.

As a result they both made me promise to find one and get an appointment. So I spent my lunch break calling ones that are in network for my insurance. Gods was it a pain in the ass! Either they weren't accepting new patients at all, they were only accepting new patients that were pregnant or their office hours ended at 3:30pm every day. That wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that of course their Friday office hours were for procedures and prenatal visits only. What's the big deal about Fridays? Well, every other Friday I get out at noon. Otherwise I don't get home until about 5:30pm. So I had to find one that could take Friday appointments.

Finally I found one and have an appointment for January 18th.

I'm one of those people that don't go to the doctor unless something is wrong. I've always been that way. Yes, I know it's better to find out early.. blah blah blah. I've heard it all before. Both my mother and my Master know this about me so they don't really pressure me about it especially since they are both the same way.

However, since I did have that one instance mentioned above they want me to start getting regularly checked out. And like I said none of us had even thought about it until that conversation happened. If either of them did I'm sure they would have been riding my ass a lot sooner.

I'm An Idiot

I was not a happy camper this morning. Not at all.

Daylight savings was yesterday. So all the clocks fell back one hour. I had all the clocks changed no problem. I was so looking forward to the fact that I would technically be getting an extra hour of sleep.

So after Master fucked me one last time last night He ordered me to go to sleep. I wasn't tired but as soon as I got comfortable I was out like a light. Rough sex does that to you.

So my alarm goes off this morning and I turn it off, get out of bed and start my morning routine. I actually had to wake the dog up in order to take him out. Normally he's wagging his tail as soon as I walk into the living room like, "Morning Mom! Let's go!" But not this morning. He was still sleeping on the couch and when I woke him up he looked at me like, "What woman?! I'm sleeping!"

So I took him out and had everything ready to go. I was literally about to put my coat back on and leave for work when for whatever reason I peeked at the living room clock. It said it was 6am. What a damn minute. How in the fuck is it only 6am?!

I thought that maybe I had set it back too far. But nope. The microwave said the same time. As if that wasn't enough of a confirmation I looked at my cell phone. And then it dawned on me. I didn't set my alarm clock back an hour.

I use an old cell phone of mine as an alarm clock. It's just easier for me and I don't have to worry about the power going out and the alarm clock turning off or something along those lines. (It happened one time and since then I've used a cell phone.) I don't use my current cell phone because I charge it at night.

Now, I'm assuming that my stupid brain figured that the old cell phone would reset itself automatically because well, it's a cell phone. But nope. Son. Of. A. Bitch.

I could have slept an extra hour! What made me feel even more like an idiot is that there is literally a clock sitting on our dresser. I could have peeked at that when the alarm went off, like I normally do, but for whatever reason that didn't register. I must have passed the clock in the living room four or five times. I didn't even look at the clock on the microwave when I picked up the dog's leash which is literally right no top of the damn microwave in a basket.

Oh, and on top of all that? There is a clock right on the damn computer which I had been on for a good 15 minutes in order to check my e-mail and leave Master my morning note. But no. It took me to realize this all the way until I was ready to walk out the damn door.

Well, now I know why the dog was looking at me like I was nuts. His potty schedule is very strict. His body clock is set to it and so taking him an hour early probably threw him really off.

So yes, I'm an idiot. Needless to say I will be making damn sure that the clock on the old cell phone is set correctly tonight!

Stress? What Stress?

Master knows how to make me forget about my stress for a while, that's for damn sure. Yeah, it'll creep back in eventually but today? Today I don't give a fuck. Why? Because I was roughly fucked, twice, and it still hurts. *grin*

Last night Master and I were both feeling frisky so off to the bedroom we went. He ate me out to the point that I was so sensitive that I whimpered when He brushed my clit with His finger. He did it on purpose of course. *laughs* He fucked me to the point that I was cramping a little bit but dear gods did it feel amazing.

This was after one of our dry spells. And most people wouldn't even call it a dry spell. But with the way we are, it's one to us. It had been about a week. Maybe a week and a half, tops.

He came really hard. And I was so sore and tender at that point that I felt every, single pulse of His cock as He coated my pussy with His cum. It was incredible.

We were both out of breath and needed something to drink afterward. We then stumbled our way back to the bedroom, laid down and we both immediately passed out while He was holding me close. That was at about 4am.

We woke up today probably around 1pm. Yes, I know we were extremely lazy. But I know that Master really, really needed the sleep as His had a bad bout of insomnia lately. Me? I just sleep a lot better when He's next to me. So on the weekends I tend to sleep in late. During the work week our sleep schedules don't really match up.

Today after I did some minor errands and we had been relaxing in the living room a while Master looked at me and asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wasn't sure because there wasn't really a lot to do today. He said, "Well, we could go fool around." That made me giggle. He ordered me to the bedroom. I stroked His cock as He used His hand to squeeze my neck a little here and there and run His fingers along the side of my neck. He then had me sit up while He grabbed our two pillows and had me lay on top of them so they put my hips up off the bed.

Needless to say He wasn't gentle entering me. I was wet, but not quite wet enough. That didn't stop Him. It never does. It was swollen and tight and just dear gods did it hurt in a delicious way. He forced three orgasms out of me before pinning me down and using me as His masturbation toy. It hurt more while He used me. I almost cried. But I loved every second of it. He filled me once more and as He pulled out and laid next to me I did actually start to cry. It wasn't due to pain. I was just overwhelmed, in a good way. It happens sometimes after rough sex. It's a form of release in many different ways. He pulled me to Him, rested His head on my upper back and just held me. As I was started to calm down He told me what a good girl I am, how proud of me He is. He called me an excellent girl. That one immediately made me stop crying and I turned into jello. I love it when He calls me a good girl. I live for those words. But for Him to go above that? It felt so good in so many different ways.

Crossroads

You see that icon directly to the left? Yes, that one. That's kind of how I'm feeling lately. I'm not depressed or anything along those lines. Actually I'm rather proud to say that I have been stable for quite some time now. That may sound odd, but I truly am proud of that given how I used to be. I'm taking care to try to pay more attention to my moods and emotions and keep on top of them.

So now that the disclaimer is out of the way, as I said the get up, survive, and go to bed is kind of how life feels right now. I wouldn't call it a rut. I would call it a crossroad where I'm not sure which way to turn, so I'm standing in the middle of it.

For instance I'm not sure what to do about the job situation. I have a good job. The benefits are really, really good. However, since it is so far from home the gas is just eating away at the profits. Especially when the person in my carpool isn't going to work so I don't have the extra help. For instance, he is going to be gone for the next week and a half. It's not like I get mad about it or anything, I just look at the gas tank and see dollar signs. You know like in those older cartoons where the eyes would spin and when they finally stop it's dollar signs? Yes, like that. I would much prefer a job that I can get to on public transit. But the thought of changing jobs is a little overwhelming. I've been with this company for almost four years. I have some time in. Going to a new job is kind of scary, ya know? Especially when you look at the benefits side of things. You never know how much that kind of thing can cost. I've honestly never asked about them at a job interview. Why? Because I was more worried about getting a better paying job and getting out of the one I had at the time.

But now? It's not that I want to change jobs to get the hell out, it's just to save on gas and to not run the car into the ground. If my car is in the shop or something along those lines I have no way of getting to or from work. I'm sure I could call in a favor for a day or two, but that would be about it. So yes, that worries me a little bit.

I'm basically at a point in my life where I'm not sure how to keep moving upward and to continue to do my part in bettering our situation.

I've reached my ceiling at my current job. There is no where to move up to. So basically I have to wait until my work anniversary and hope to get a decent raise. Or who knows, get a raise at all. It wouldn't be based on my performance. All the higher ups know I work hard. It's just whether or not they decide to do raises that year. I've heard of many jobs that put a raise hold in place for a year or two. Hell, my last job didn't give me a raise at any point in time.

A second job isn't really feasible. With my current schedule if I took one on I would be living to work rather than working to live. I would burn myself out fast. College is also out of the question. I won't go into the reasons why on that. I'm simply stating that before someone suggests it.

Like I said I feel like I'm at a standstill on everything.

And not just financially. I mean on everything.

Master and I are fine. Our marriage is fine our dynamic is still in place.

Another standstill is about finding a female friend with benefits. I've tried in the past via websites but have had no luck what so ever. Some wanted a romantic relationship, which I am not interested in. I have never wanted a romantic relationship with a woman regardless of the fact that I'm bisexual. Or they wanted me to leave my Husband. I know they may seem like the same thing but in the first scenario it was them wanting to be my girlfriend and being "okay" with my being married. The second scenario was basically if I wanted some fun with them I would have to commit fully.

I will completely admit to the fact that I have given up for a long time. I haven't actively sought out a female friend with benefits in a few years now. I just got frustrated to the point of throwing my arms in the air and saying, "I'm done!"

That was also before I was medicated though. So maybe I can try again. Maybe I'll be able to be more patient this time and not give up so easily.

The gay bars around here don't really welcome bisexuals. Add that to the fact that I'm not really a bar type person. I don't drink often at all and when I do I'd rather do it at home. It's cheaper and I don't have to deal with bad music and a bunch of loud annoying drunks.

I guess I'm just not sure what to do with myself anymore. I get up, I go to work, I come home and enjoy my time with Master and eventually I have to go to bed to do it all over again. Our neighbors that we were hanging out with so much during the summer? Well, now that it's colder out everyone is staying inside. Also, there is a new member to the group that I just cannot fucking stand and he brings three undisciplined children with him and a wife that has the kind of voice that cuts right through you and makes you want to slap the shit out of her. It doesn't help that she's a fucking ditz either.

So, since it's colder and now everyone wants to hang out inside you have anywhere from four to seven adults, not including Master and myself, in a two bedroom apartment as well as anywhere from two to six kids running in and out or just staying in the living room. That's a pretty tightly cramped area, don't you think?

Master and I don't really have date nights anymore. I miss those but with bills going up and so much money going into the car (gas money, repairs, etc.) it's just not really feasible at the moment and hasn't been for a little while now. I do think we need to budget a date night in about once a month though. I think that would be healthy for us and our marriage. Not that it's unhealthy right now, it's just something that I think would do both of us some good.

It's not like we're dead ass broke, it's just the money is set aside for other things all the time. Ya know?

Up In The Air

We have a wedding that we are going to next week Saturday. It is for our friend BC. He has been Master's friend since high school and where as we don't really care for the person he is marrying, well that's his choice and his life. We're just going to show support basically.

They pushed this whole wedding thing along. They were going to wait a little while longer but his fiance wanted both of her parents to be there when she got married and they both didn't have great health so they had decided to speed up the whole process.

As I said the wedding is set for next Saturday. Well, today Master got a phone call from BC. Apparently his fiance's mother passed away last night in her sleep. As I said, I don't care for this individual but that has to be hard. You pushed this up so she could be there and she passes away a week prior to the big day.

Master is now waiting on a phone call as to whether or not BC will need Him on Monday. If he does, Master will have to take me to work and pick me up so that He can have the car during the day. I'm sure we'll know more tomorrow.

My first thought, honestly, was whether or not they are going to postpone the wedding. On one hand it would make a lot of sense to do so, simply because of emotions and grieving. On the other hand you have all this money you've put into it and you don't get deposits back, etc. And they did. They have put quite a bit of money into the wedding.

So right now Master is on standby mode. Unfortunately I do not have the time left to take a full day of work off. So, if the funeral is during a time where I have to be at work, I won't be able to attend. Master will be going either way to support BC.

More Ick

This better just be my sinuses and not be a head cold or anything like that. Seriously. I was a bit stuffed up last night when I went to bed and when I woke up this morning I took a benadryl right away and took some to work with me just in case. The benadryl is helping the only problem is that it makes me tired. I didn't feel like I was going to fall asleep at my desk or anything but it did make me feel kind of sluggish.

When I got home I had to take another one and now, of course, I feel sluggish. I don't think I'll be passing out anytime soon or anything along those lines, just.... ugh.

I don't just mean a little sluggish either I mean more like I'm a zombie type sluggish. *Bbbrraaaiiinnnsss*

I've kind of just been blah since I walked in the door and I feel bad about it because I enjoy our nights together simply because I get to relax and spend time with Him. But when I feel like this I'm not really up for a lot of conversation or anything like that. I'm more like a vegetable. And again that makes me feel bad because well, He's missed me and I've missed Him during the day and now here we are... and I might as well be in a coma.

Since the benadryl is helping though I'm going to remain optimistic that it's just my sinuses kicking my ass and not my coming down with a cold or something. This is the time of year where you basically want to wear a haz mat suit whenever you leave the house because you don't want to get sick. Hello hand sanitizer, how are you today?

I just really don't want to get sick. Not only because being sick sucks balls but also because I don't want to get Master sick. With His immune disorder it's always a little scary for me when He gets sick. That's when I turn into the big bad nurse that He temporarily hates but is thankful for at the same time.