So now that the disclaimer is out of the way, as I said the get up, survive, and go to bed is kind of how life feels right now. I wouldn't call it a rut. I would call it a crossroad where I'm not sure which way to turn, so I'm standing in the middle of it.
For instance I'm not sure what to do about the job situation. I have a good job. The benefits are really, really good. However, since it is so far from home the gas is just eating away at the profits. Especially when the person in my carpool isn't going to work so I don't have the extra help. For instance, he is going to be gone for the next week and a half. It's not like I get mad about it or anything, I just look at the gas tank and see dollar signs. You know like in those older cartoons where the eyes would spin and when they finally stop it's dollar signs? Yes, like that. I would much prefer a job that I can get to on public transit. But the thought of changing jobs is a little overwhelming. I've been with this company for almost four years. I have some time in. Going to a new job is kind of scary, ya know? Especially when you look at the benefits side of things. You never know how much that kind of thing can cost. I've honestly never asked about them at a job interview. Why? Because I was more worried about getting a better paying job and getting out of the one I had at the time.
But now? It's not that I want to change jobs to get the hell out, it's just to save on gas and to not run the car into the ground. If my car is in the shop or something along those lines I have no way of getting to or from work. I'm sure I could call in a favor for a day or two, but that would be about it. So yes, that worries me a little bit.
I'm basically at a point in my life where I'm not sure how to keep moving upward and to continue to do my part in bettering our situation.
I've reached my ceiling at my current job. There is no where to move up to. So basically I have to wait until my work anniversary and hope to get a decent raise. Or who knows, get a raise at all. It wouldn't be based on my performance. All the higher ups know I work hard. It's just whether or not they decide to do raises that year. I've heard of many jobs that put a raise hold in place for a year or two. Hell, my last job didn't give me a raise at any point in time.
A second job isn't really feasible. With my current schedule if I took one on I would be living to work rather than working to live. I would burn myself out fast. College is also out of the question. I won't go into the reasons why on that. I'm simply stating that before someone suggests it.
Like I said I feel like I'm at a standstill on everything.
And not just financially. I mean on everything.
Master and I are fine. Our marriage is fine our dynamic is still in place.
Another standstill is about finding a female friend with benefits. I've tried in the past via websites but have had no luck what so ever. Some wanted a romantic relationship, which I am not interested in. I have never wanted a romantic relationship with a woman regardless of the fact that I'm bisexual. Or they wanted me to leave my Husband. I know they may seem like the same thing but in the first scenario it was them wanting to be my girlfriend and being "okay" with my being married. The second scenario was basically if I wanted some fun with them I would have to commit fully.
I will completely admit to the fact that I have given up for a long time. I haven't actively sought out a female friend with benefits in a few years now. I just got frustrated to the point of throwing my arms in the air and saying, "I'm done!"
That was also before I was medicated though. So maybe I can try again. Maybe I'll be able to be more patient this time and not give up so easily.
The gay bars around here don't really welcome bisexuals. Add that to the fact that I'm not really a bar type person. I don't drink often at all and when I do I'd rather do it at home. It's cheaper and I don't have to deal with bad music and a bunch of loud annoying drunks.
I guess I'm just not sure what to do with myself anymore. I get up, I go to work, I come home and enjoy my time with Master and eventually I have to go to bed to do it all over again. Our neighbors that we were hanging out with so much during the summer? Well, now that it's colder out everyone is staying inside. Also, there is a new member to the group that I just cannot fucking stand and he brings three undisciplined children with him and a wife that has the kind of voice that cuts right through you and makes you want to slap the shit out of her. It doesn't help that she's a fucking ditz either.
So, since it's colder and now everyone wants to hang out inside you have anywhere from four to seven adults, not including Master and myself, in a two bedroom apartment as well as anywhere from two to six kids running in and out or just staying in the living room. That's a pretty tightly cramped area, don't you think?
Master and I don't really have date nights anymore. I miss those but with bills going up and so much money going into the car (gas money, repairs, etc.) it's just not really feasible at the moment and hasn't been for a little while now. I do think we need to budget a date night in about once a month though. I think that would be healthy for us and our marriage. Not that it's unhealthy right now, it's just something that I think would do both of us some good.
It's not like we're dead ass broke, it's just the money is set aside for other things all the time. Ya know?
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