Goodbye Dear Friend

Master and I couldn't sleep last night. We knew that in the morning we would be going to the vet's office. And neither of us wanted to make that trip. In all honesty, while I was laying there, I kept thinking to myself  "Please Ghost, don't wake up in the morning."

It's very rare for a dog to go naturally, in their sleep. But I'm sure it's what we all want for our animals. For them to go peacefully, while sleeping.

But our stubborn pup was awake when we got up. I had gotten out of bed at 7am originally to call into work. I then went and laid back down but didn't really sleep much. I got up again I believe about an hour later. Master was already awake.

We spent some time with Ghost in the living room. We then put him in the bedroom, where he always went when we left the house, and drove down to the vet's office. We were barely keeping it together as we talked to the vet assistant. She said that they had an appointment open at 5:30pm today.

So we scheduled it.

It was a little after 9:30am when we got back home. We spent the entire day with Ghost. We let him do whatever he wanted. If he wanted to be in the bedroom, we let him go back there. If he wanted to bark, we let him bark. In fact we told him to give our neighbors hell when they slammed their doors. Whatever he wanted to do, that's exactly what he did.

We both cried on and off throughout the day. Ghost would come up and comfort us both. He would let us pet him and hug him and kiss him. He licked our faces, and leaned against us.

Master had made a comment last night that I was "making Him look bad". He of course meant it in a joking manner. I was doing my best not to cry. I was attempting to remain strong, for myself, for my Husband, and for Ghost. I told Master that I have my own ways of dealing with things. I remain strong until I absolutely can't any longer. And then the flood gates open and it all comes out.

Today those floodgates started leaking, but I would always pull it short.

I don't know how many times I told Ghost I love him today.

We knew we were doing the right thing for Ghost. His quality of life was on a steady decline and neither of us wanted him to suffer. He deserved better than that. He deserved dignity, love, and understanding. I believe we have done that.

Master drove to the vet. I sat in the back with Ghost. I offered to drive, so Master could sit in the backseat. He said that Ghost was used to Him driving, so that's what He was going to do.

We got to the vet's office and both the vet and the assistant were very kind. I don't want to record all the details. It's not that I can't. It's that I choose not to declare it for all the world to see. It was a moment that only very few were witness to, and I feel it should stay that way. I will say that I was the last thing Ghost saw, and Master's voice was the last thing Ghost heard.

It was so hard leaving the office. We stayed for quite a while. But it was so fucking hard to leave. The floodgates were torn open at this point.

At home, we have been remembering all the goods times we had. All the goofy things he did. All the love the three of us have shared, as only a dog and his father and mother can. I may have come into his life later, but I was his mother. He adopted me as that. I am honored to hold that title. And I am grateful to have known him.

We still cry, heavily. I'm crying as I type this post.

As I was getting out of the shower this evening, I swear I saw his shadow on the shower curtain as I was pulling it back. He always laid half in the hallway, half in the bathroom when I took a shower.

The rational part of my brain knows that he is no longer physically here. He is no longer in pain, he is no longer confused as to what is happening to his body.

But I just miss him so much.

Ghost, I know I've told you millions of times already, but I love you pup. You hold a very special place in my heart that no one else will ever touch. I am grateful to have been a part of your life. I will always miss you, and will never, ever forget you. Thank you for giving me the chance to be a part of your pack, and for accepting me into your heart as well.