Mortality

This post is rather serious. If you prefer not to read such posts, please skip this one.

My baby brother called me today. It's somewhat rare for him to call me, not because we rarely talk, but because he prefers texts and e-mails. No big deal. I know a lot of males who hate talking on the phone, including Master.

The first words out of his mouth are, "Can we talk privately for a moment?"

This made me pause. At first I just thought it was trouble with some girl or something. So I tell him that Master isn't even home. So I looked at Master and put my finger up to my lips and He nodded. I sat down and prepared myself to give him some older sister wisdom. About the only time he actually calls me is when he is having trouble with a girl.

But that wasn't what this call was about. Not even close.

He voice started to waver as he talked. I couldn't figure out why. Then his words become clear again and I learned why. I couldn't react at first. Then I started to cry. Master immediately came over to where I was sitting, got down on His haunches and placed His hand on mine. He had no idea what I was being told, but He saw me crying and came to comfort me.

So why was I crying? Yesterday my paternal grandfather went to my father's house. He had asked his other son (my uncle) to be there as well. So they all were sitting in my father's house and Grandpa dropped the news. First, a little background. My grandfather has had not one, but two bypass surgeries and has had several heart attacks. Well, he had gone to his doctor for a regular visit. He had an EKG done and the doctor didn't like the results. So the doctor scheduled him to have a stress test done. About three minutes into the stress test they had to stop it.

I don't know all the details as to why they had to stop the stress test or what happened after. But the end result is that my grandfather had called his two sons together to tell them that the doctor told him that he wouldn't live past July, or at the best August.

It's May as of tomorrow. So he only has three to four months to live. He may pass that, but the doctor and my grandfather do not think that is likely. He told them that he had everything taken care of already. His will is updated and is with his lawyer. He's ready for his death. He said that everyone would be "taken care of".

When I got off the phone with my brother I sobbed out what the news was to Master. He held me and cried Himself. He loves my grandfather. They get along very well and have a good time together.

So how does my brother learn of this? Not from our father. Oh no. My uncle. What the fuck?! Not that I'm angry that my uncle called my brother. (He doesn't have my phone number. Not because I don't want him to but because he lost it and we don't talk often since our schedules don't mesh.)

What I'm pissed about is the fact that my father didn't have either the common curtsey or the balls to call my brother of myself. Now granted he only learned this yesterday. But still. I was livid. Still am. When my brother and I were talking after he told me about Grandpa he said he was pissed about it too and was going to call our father to ask him why the hell he hadn't called his son or daughter to tell them that their grandfather didn't have much longer on this Earth. I understand why Grandpa didn't call us. He didn't want us to worry. That's just how he is. Or it was hard enough to tell his sons and figured that they would pass along the news to his grandchildren so that he wouldn't have to go through it again. Again I understand that as well.

So I told my brother that I want him to call me as soon as he's off the phone with Dad. He said he would. I also told him to tell Dad

After I stopped crying I talked to Master about it all. I even started talking about how I have to save some of my vacation days in order to grieve when the time comes. I know I'll be a mess and I won't be able to function well at work. I also started talking about what I'm going to wear to the wake. I honestly don't know if he's being buried or cremated. If he's buried I will of course also attend the funeral. But I have a feeling he's going to be cremated just as his wife, my grandmother, was 17 years ago.

As the day has continued I've been trying to keep myself distracted. I've had to calm myself several times so I wouldn't cry. But I'm keeping it together right now. It's difficult.

The paternal side of my family is not very large. There is my grandfather, my father, my uncle, a great aunt (Grandpa's sister), my brother, myself, and his great grandchildren.

Since I have to save my vacation days I can't take Monday off, as much as I would like to, in order to give myself another day to let this news settle. But I can't.

On my next payday (I unfortunately do not have the gas money right now) I am going to fill the car's gas tank and visit my grandfather. I'm going to ask my brother if he'd like me to pick him up and have him go with as well. He most likely will.

Goodbye Dear Friend

Master and I couldn't sleep last night. We knew that in the morning we would be going to the vet's office. And neither of us wanted to make that trip. In all honesty, while I was laying there, I kept thinking to myself  "Please Ghost, don't wake up in the morning."

It's very rare for a dog to go naturally, in their sleep. But I'm sure it's what we all want for our animals. For them to go peacefully, while sleeping.

But our stubborn pup was awake when we got up. I had gotten out of bed at 7am originally to call into work. I then went and laid back down but didn't really sleep much. I got up again I believe about an hour later. Master was already awake.

We spent some time with Ghost in the living room. We then put him in the bedroom, where he always went when we left the house, and drove down to the vet's office. We were barely keeping it together as we talked to the vet assistant. She said that they had an appointment open at 5:30pm today.

So we scheduled it.

It was a little after 9:30am when we got back home. We spent the entire day with Ghost. We let him do whatever he wanted. If he wanted to be in the bedroom, we let him go back there. If he wanted to bark, we let him bark. In fact we told him to give our neighbors hell when they slammed their doors. Whatever he wanted to do, that's exactly what he did.

We both cried on and off throughout the day. Ghost would come up and comfort us both. He would let us pet him and hug him and kiss him. He licked our faces, and leaned against us.

Master had made a comment last night that I was "making Him look bad". He of course meant it in a joking manner. I was doing my best not to cry. I was attempting to remain strong, for myself, for my Husband, and for Ghost. I told Master that I have my own ways of dealing with things. I remain strong until I absolutely can't any longer. And then the flood gates open and it all comes out.

Today those floodgates started leaking, but I would always pull it short.

I don't know how many times I told Ghost I love him today.

We knew we were doing the right thing for Ghost. His quality of life was on a steady decline and neither of us wanted him to suffer. He deserved better than that. He deserved dignity, love, and understanding. I believe we have done that.

Master drove to the vet. I sat in the back with Ghost. I offered to drive, so Master could sit in the backseat. He said that Ghost was used to Him driving, so that's what He was going to do.

We got to the vet's office and both the vet and the assistant were very kind. I don't want to record all the details. It's not that I can't. It's that I choose not to declare it for all the world to see. It was a moment that only very few were witness to, and I feel it should stay that way. I will say that I was the last thing Ghost saw, and Master's voice was the last thing Ghost heard.

It was so hard leaving the office. We stayed for quite a while. But it was so fucking hard to leave. The floodgates were torn open at this point.

At home, we have been remembering all the goods times we had. All the goofy things he did. All the love the three of us have shared, as only a dog and his father and mother can. I may have come into his life later, but I was his mother. He adopted me as that. I am honored to hold that title. And I am grateful to have known him.

We still cry, heavily. I'm crying as I type this post.

As I was getting out of the shower this evening, I swear I saw his shadow on the shower curtain as I was pulling it back. He always laid half in the hallway, half in the bathroom when I took a shower.

The rational part of my brain knows that he is no longer physically here. He is no longer in pain, he is no longer confused as to what is happening to his body.

But I just miss him so much.

Ghost, I know I've told you millions of times already, but I love you pup. You hold a very special place in my heart that no one else will ever touch. I am grateful to have been a part of your life. I will always miss you, and will never, ever forget you. Thank you for giving me the chance to be a part of your pack, and for accepting me into your heart as well.