I Wasn't Always Broken

That was something I said to Master yesterday.

You see, I didn't do my blog post last night because we were busy talking, and then fucking.

Our day had started off well yesterday. I was in a fine mood, and we had fucked, and everything was fine.

Then we went to dinner.

All of a sudden my mood took a dive. I was going into that dark place in my head that is strictly reserved for depression. There's a red velvet rope and everything.

Okay, enough joking.

I honestly don't know what brings these sudden dives in my mood and demeanor on. I have no idea. None. But it happened, and the next thing you know Master and I are arguing. Why are we arguing? Because when I take those sudden dives I suddenly get defensive, and bitchy and well.. just get a fuck you attitude to me. Again, I'm not sure why. Maybe it's a self defense mechanism? Maybe it's me lashing out because I'm confused as to why the hell I'm heading that way again. Maybe it's because I don't realize it at first.

But once we got home He told me that that's what He thought it was. That I was taking a dive towards my depressive state again. And it made me break down. Talking about it is not easy for me. There is a certain stigma associated with mental disorders. And it's not good. So finally, when I allowed myself to talk freely and to cry, and just to let it out I said to Him, "I wasn't always broken."

And that made me cry harder. Because I haven't always suffered from depression. It started when I was about 14. And it's not a constant battle, but it is getting worse as I get older. I have periods of time where I'm fine. I'm in a great mood, or at least a normal mood, and then out of fucking no where here comes that shadow creeping along my brain and bringing with it thoughts I would never have other wise. Thoughts that I only have when my depression hits. Dark thoughts. Very bad thoughts.

And I told Him about them all, even the ones I have never said out loud when I'm alone. I said it then and there for the first time, ever. I won't go into them here, but it's enough that I said them. And it was enough that He listened. And then I said another thing that I didn't think I'd ever admit to. I told Him that I think I need medication. Thankfully my new medical insurance, that will be kicking in next week will cover a psychiatrist. So that's another thing I'll have to add to the list of things to do once my insurance is available.

He agreed that I probably need medication.

He also said that I have to be more consistent. It seems like the only thing I can be consistent with is my job. Every thing else I'll do for a little while, and then let it drop... right around the time these moods hit me. And Master pinpointed it rather well last night. He said that it happens about once every three months and lasts for varying amounts of time.

But I don't want my family to know, and I don't want His family to know. I'd rather our friends didn't either. I know some people will probably say, "That's just going to make you feel worse, like you have to hide it.." and I don't think that's true. I think that sometimes seeking help is a very private thing. I want the only people to know about it to be Master, my therapist, and myself.. and well obviously my readers. But it's different typing it out on a blog, rather than going to my friends, family, and/or in-laws and going "Yeah... I'm in therapy. I'm on medication."

I just... don't want to deal with that. I really don't. Especially from certain people within said groups.

He reminded me that He loves me, will always love me, and that it's hard on Him too. He knows He can't help besides just being there, and that makes Him feel helpless. He sees me struggling, and He sees me hurting from this, and it's like His hands are tied. And I am sorry for that. I don't mean to cause Him pain, or to make Him feel this way. But it just goes to show you how much someone truly loves you, when they are willing to go through this kind of shit with you, just to be with you and have you in their life.

I love Him so much.

After the long talk, and after I stopped crying, we fucked again. And it was amazing.

Today, after work, I came home and Master asked me how I was feeling and I told Him quite honestly that I feel great. I kept myself busy this evening. After dinner we cleaned one of the rabbit cages, took out garbage, and then I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen counter. Keeping myself busy instead of having a lot of down time where I'm basically just sitting there seems to help. As long as my mind is busy I seem to be able to keep a better grip. And it also makes me feel like I accomplished something, which is always a bonus.

So there you have it. I wasn't always broken. And hopefully soon, I'll be back on track with a good psychiatrist and maybe some happy pills.

But before I end this post I just want to say that my Husband fucking rocks hard core. And I love Him to the very depths of my soul.

Wonderful Weekend

This weekend has been great, well at least the times where Master and I were alone anyway. Lets see. Friday night was pretty uneventful. Saturday Master and I had the whole day to ourselves until about 7pm. We had fun just being together and hanging out. At 7pm we went to a restaurant that our friend SS was taking us to to celebrate Master's birthday.

So we caught up with her and she annoyed me at some points, but I got over it rather quickly.

From there she wanted to get some drinks at a local bar. I reminded her that we couldn't afford to go to the bar and she said that was no problem because she would buy. Um. Okay?

So off to the bar we went. I had one Smirnoff Ice and Master had two double Jack and Cokes. SS had a few beers and then we went to our apartment. She only stayed about an hour or so before she had to get back home.

Then it was just Master and I once more. We retired to the bedroom around 3am or so. We fucked and it was incredible. Then I was cleaning His cock off and He got hard again. He dipped His fingers into me and I was very sensitive so every movement made me squirm or buck my hips. So before you know it we were fucking again. :-D

After that we were both exhausted, and so we fell asleep.

Today we did some errands, I gave Master a blow job, and then headed down to my home town. We stopped at my mom's house where I picked up my old bike and a bunch of stuff my mom had gotten for us. We visited for about an hour and a half before going to my dad's for father's day.

We ate dinner, were annoyed by his weird as hell girlfriend and her offspring, but it was really nice to see my dad and my grandfather.

We left there around 7pm, came home, unloaded the car and put everything away.

So there is the day to day stuff.

I wanted to talk a bit about my depression. Over the past three or four days I've felt my depression lifting off of me like a fog dissipating. Slowly but surely it was leaving me and I felt the "old me" coming back. You know, the happy go lucky, horny all the time, me.

It seems when I'm depressed my sex drive goes way, way down. Like to the point of being non existent. Also, even when we do fuck when I'm heavily depressed it's like I feel this distance during it, but not coming from Master. It's coming from inside me. Almost like I'm slightly disconnected from the act in a way. And I hate that feeling. It makes me want to cry and makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

But the odd thing is, the more we fuck, the better I feel. I think that honestly is one thing that helped that "fog" break. We started having sex more often. I mean finally admitting to myself, and to Master, what was going on helped a lot as well.

I can't honestly say how much the support group helped. I was fidgeting most of the time and if Master hadn't been sitting by my side (they wanted to separate us) I don't think I would have said much.

I rely on Him a lot for moral support and to keep me confident. A lot of people may say that's not healthy, but when I'm like that I can't rely on myself. If I do that I just end up going deeper and deeper into that depression and it becomes a self sufficient cycle to keep me in it.

But Master helps me break through it.

So as I was saying, we started having sex more and that I felt more and more connected not only to myself but to Master as well. And before I knew it the break through happened and I was back to normal (for me). I feel sexier, which makes me horny, which makes me more submissive, which makes me want to fuck more, which leads to more sex, which leads to my feeling even better. It's a wonderful circle that I happily feed into.

It also seems to make Master happier as well. I mean, I know He enjoys the sex and my feeling more submissive and wanting Him 24/7 like usual. But I think He sees the changes in me and He worries less as well. Which of course would lead Him to feel better about the situation as a whole.

I don't know if it's the chemicals the body releases when we have sex or what, but it's one of the quickest ways to my feeling better. If those chemicals get too low, that's when I normally start to feel myself slip. I'm not saying if we don't have sex for a week that suddenly I'll be back to where I started. And I'm not saying that's the only cause. It happens for no reason what so ever.

But I have noticed that once I'm in that depressed state of mind, the more affectionate we are and the more sex we have, the better I feel.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but it feels good to write about it.

I Love My Husband

Today while I was at work Master and I talked. The person in charge of of a depression and bi-polar support group had e-mailed me back. They were having a meeting tonight and she wanted me to attend.

So I agreed to go and Master said He would go with me. The only issue I had with going was the fact that it wasn't over until 8:30pm which meant we wouldn't get home until about 9pm. But Master said that I should go, it may help, and that just because it was late shouldn't stop me.

So shortly after I got home from work we were headed right back out the door. We got there a little early, sat down and the meeting started.

They hold a separate meeting for friends and family members at the same time, and they suggested that Master go to that, but I wanted Him to stay with me and Master wanted to stay with me, so they allowed it.

It started at 6:30pm. At first I was like, "How are we going to get through two hours?!" But honestly the time went by rather quickly for me. There were a good 15 or so people there. They broke us down into smaller groups. So it ended up being Master, myself, and two other people in the group we sat in.

We all talked, including Master, and it went by rather well I think. They were a little pushy about me being put on medication which I didn't really care for. I haven't even been to a therapist in about 10 years. On top of that I don't have health insurance. So in order to go to one I'd have to find one that will take a patient with no insurance and that we can afford. In other words, it'll take some digging and a lot of phone calls.

But they also talked about other forms of therapy, such as writing, drawing, painting, excercise, mediation, etc.

In fact I'm almost wondering if I should start a separate blog just to talk about the depression. I mean this blog is supposed to be about slavery. But over the years, I've used it for everything. Maybe I should break off at least just for that subject? I don't know. I'll have to talk to Master about it and see what He thinks on that.

Master and I talked quite a bit on the way home. Once we were home, we finally ate dinner, watched some Mind of Mencia, and now I'm doing my blog post. It's already a little after 10pm and I'm very sore right now and still have to take my bath and what not. So I'm going to end the blog by saying this:

My Husband is awesome. He went with me to this group meeting. He is doing everything He can to help me, and make sure that I get the help I need. He is being extremely patient and caring. I love Him very much, and I am lucky to be able to call Him my mate.

Seeking Help

Just so this post doesn't get extremely confusing I'm going to try and cut through most of what brought me to this post.

Suffice to say that Master and I ended up have a very, very long talk yesterday.

I'm sure I've mentioned this in previous posts that I have suffered from depression in the past, and in fact was treated for it when I was younger (before I met Master). But since I turned 18 I haven't had health insurance and so I weaned myself off my medication and have basically been battling it myself since then.

I am not saying that Master has not helped me. But I didn't meet Him until I was 20 years old, and since I had to cope with it on my own for two years before hand, I kind of guarded it. And honestly for a while, it wasn't that bad.

Now, as I'm getting older, it's getting worse. It's lasting longer. It went from just getting bad when I was on my period, to sticking with me for a good length of time.

I fall into myself and distance myself from everything.

And I nitpick at everything, blaming the way I'm feeling on things that have nothing to do with. Why? Because I don't want to admit that my depression is in full swing. I don't want to admit that I'm not "okay".

So, after a lot of talking with Master last night and finally admitting that I'm not "okay", that I can't do this on my own, and a lot of hugs and my crying and telling Him that I'm scared, we decided to look into our options.

I still don't have health insurance. I can't sign up for it at my job until August or September and I am unable to get state insurance because my job offers it, even though I am not eligible for it at this time.

Master searched on the internet and found a possible in person support group for me to join. I contacted the individual who runs it via e-mail and am currently waiting for a reply.

I am going to wait a little while and see if this person responds.

I may look for online support groups as well.

Master is being extremely supportive. He says that if we are able to find a therapist that can help (and we can afford) that before I am put on any sort of medication, He wants to know all of the known side effects related to it before hand. He also said He'll go to the support group meetings with me, if I do end up going.

On a slightly different note, you may have noticed that my pics page is gone. The reason for that is yesterday before I finally admitted that my depression is becoming something that I can't "handle" or "control" anymore I started lashing out. Remember at the beginning of the post when I said that I'll find just about anything else to blame these feelings on?

Yeah. I did that yesterday. And the thing I blamed it on was our dynamic. We've been here before. It's happened before although quite honestly I never admitted the reason why. I explained it last night.

But before I admitted to Him the whys of it all, I told Him I just didn't want to do it anymore. So off came the collar, the cuff, and He told me I could do what I wanted with my blog, and He told me to remove the pics page. So I did delete that page.

Shortly after that outburst, and the deletion and removal of the collar and cuff I finally broke down and admitted to everything.

He said that things made a lot more sense now (even though it may not here in this blog post). Needless to say I am still His slave and He is still my Master. The pics page will be back, although maybe not in the same format.

Like I said it was a lot of talking, some of it extending into today after I got home from work.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I also feel horrible for not telling my Husband sooner. I was trying to handle it on my own, and I failed.

He has to be the most understanding and forgiving Husband on the face of the planet to put up with me, I swear.

I love You Husband. Thank You for sticking by my side. I know it has been extremely frustrating for You, since I wasn't letting You in on everything until just last night, and for that I apologize.

Today Was Not My Day

Today was not my day, at all.

I slept okay. Master's insomnia is still with Him, so He did not go to sleep with me last night. But I slept better then I usually do when He's not in bed. However, for some stupid reason when the alarm went off, I felt extremely tired. Like I barely wanted to move.

But I made myself. I sat up, and like I usually do, went to lean in and kiss Master. This time it was on His shoulder blade because He was laying on His side, facing away from me, fast asleep. As I did this it was like gravity pushed me (I still have no idea what the hell caused me to do this) and instead of kissing His shoulder blade my head like thumped against Him and I hurt my nose.

He, however, didn't even grumble. I don't think He felt it at all. So as I'm cursing softly to myself and rubbing my nose I got out of bed, opened the closet doors, and pulled out the clothes I wanted to wear to work today.

Apparently, I woke up more of a klutz then I usually am, because when I went to close the closet doors I accidentally slammed them shut. That did wake Master up a little. He grumbled, rolled over, and went back to sleep.

So I sighed, and went and finished getting ready for the day. I was not even fully awake by the time BC picked me up to take me to work. That feeling stayed with me at work. The feeling that I just could not wake up. I felt sluggish.

Work was stressful today. This week has been extremely busy at work and I think that may be part of what is causing me to be so damn tired. Add to that the fact that my fibromyalgia is deciding to flare up and say hello to me... yeah. Not a good day. For those of you who would like to know about fibromyalgia, you can see more about it here.

Finally the end of the work day came about and I hopped on a bus. Master met me at the bus stop and we walked home together, which again.. was very nice and I appreciated the company.

Once we were home I washed the dishes and Master made dinner. We watched Wolverine Origins, and then Master had me take my bath.

Once my bath was done, I put on a nightie and knelt at Master's chair. He told me to go do my post.

I'm currently reading a book called Animals by John Skipp and Craig Spector. Master has raved about it for about as long as I've known Him. We recently found the book and ordered it online. Master read it again, and it has since been sitting on our headboard. I decided to give it a try. I'm only three chapters into it, but I enjoy it so far.

Does anyone remember how I said I used to suffer from depression and every now and then I find myself having to push those familiar feelings/thoughts away?

Well in this book that I'm reading there is a paragraph that sums that feeling of fighting it off rather nicely.

I'll share it with you.

"What was even scarier, depression came on like your best drinkin' buddy and oldest, dearest friend - the only one who really knew you, would tell you the honest truth about yourself."

That is exactly how fighting depression off feels. Like you're trying to break away from an old friend who at first you think really knows you, that allows you an insight to yourself you wouldn't other wise have.. but is actually there to tear you down without you even realizing it.

Thankfully over the years, I've become familiar with what that onset feels like and I can catch it rather early on and shake it off. Master helps me with these things. He forces me to talk about it. He listens to me. He keeps me active. Things of that nature.

Without Him I don't know if I'd be able to fight that feeling as effectively as I do. At least not as consistently as I do.

Less Doesn't Equal More

You know that saying I'm sure. "Less is more." And sometimes it's true. However, when it comes to sex (at least in my case) that's just not true.

I was checking my e-mail on Yahoo and they had some article being displayed on their front page a while back dealing with relationship advice. I have no idea why the hell I clicked on it. I think it said something about sex or sex lives. So of course, since I'm twisted, I had to read it.

And I remember sitting there reading it and going... "What. The. Fuck." *nods*

Basically the gist of what a lot of the couples were saying was not to have sex to often. *insert confused look here* I remember one thing rather well that was said in the article. It's not a direct quote but it's pretty damn close. "Chocolate cake is great, but after five days of chocolate cake you just don't want it anymore."

Sex is not chocolate cake. You're right. After five days of eating chocolate cake I wouldn't want to see chocolate cake for a very long time. Dear Gods the tummy aches! However sex... is not something I get tired of. Five days of sex and then... *gasp* more sex?! Hell the fuck yes!

The article was basically implying that after a while sex just gets boring and then it becomes mechanical and you feel like you have to do it even if you don't actually want to. Well no shit. Break away from the same old stuff and maybe then it won't be boring. Sluts against the missionary position unite! Wait. I actually like the missionary position, but um... with twists. ;-)

Master and I have been having sex for damn near six years, and you know what? Never boring. Not once. I have never once laid there going, "Dear Gods is this over yet?" And when our schedules are a bit more "normal" than what they are now.. it is about four to five times a week if not more, especially when the weekends roll around and we have a day off together that is actually spent alone.

Remember a little while back I was some what freaking out because I didn't know what the hell was going on when my sex drive? It is insanely high normally and all of a sudden I was on a down slope. Well, I think it had to do with the fact that it just wasn't happening that often. Like I said our norm was about four to five times a week. And then out of fucking no where it was down to once a week. You would think that that would cause my sex drive to just go through the roof right? I mean.. no release means it builds up. At least that would be the logical thought process. But mine was shutting itself down.

And I think I know why. I think it was doing that almost like a self defense mechanism. I only say self defense because I can't think of a better way to word it.

Here's me. High sex drive.

Now, small amounts of sex.

Then my body starts revving itself up for "next time" but next time doesn't happen for about a week. So my sex drive, instead of going into hyper drive starts to shut down so I don't go out of my damn mind and also so I don't make Master feel guilty. At least that's the way my mind is processing it. I'm not trying to say He should feel guilty or anything along those lines. We were only having sex once a week because of work schedules and one and/or both of us not feeling well. There was nothing either of us could do about it. Another reason why I think it went down a few notches, is so I wouldn't go back to my old ways. "Oh You're to tired for sex?" or "Oh, we don't have time for sex?" used to equal "I must not be attractive right now." or "He doesn't want me."

Blah. Depressing, self defeating crap. I'm sure I've mentioned it before. I used to battle depression before I met Master. I still do in ways, but it is more "old wiring" rather than actual depression, if that makes any sense. The thoughts still bubble up to the surface every now and again but I can smack myself out of it very quickly rather than believing it and fueling said thought processes. Plus Master actually has me talk about such things, rather than me bottling them up and letting them spin and fester inside my grey matter. Something anti-depressants never did for me. Instead they basically made me into a zombie locked inside my own brain with said festering thoughts.

Okay I'm getting slightly off topic here.

So back to my original point. My sex drive. It's baaaccckk!

Let's see. Friday I gave Master a rather quick and aggressive blowjob. Then later that night He fucked me and allowed to me cum many times. Saturday morning He woke me up with sex. And then of course there was last night which was absolutely incredible. His lip has finally healed, and so He could finally kiss and use His mouth in all of the delicious ways that I love. And when we were done and He had me cleaning Him off with my mouth I peaked over His hip and saw how late it was and had to remind myself that I had to get up early in the morning. Other wise I would have continued sucking to try and get Him hard again.

So more sex equals a higher sex drive. The more Master gives it to me, the more I want it. And of course He's also been more strict with me which is making me wetter than usual. The more submissive I feel the hornier I get. It's just how I work I guess. And of course now it is Monday night and Master is at work and I'm fucking horny. *sigh*

But perhaps there is a way to keep that feeling, rather than allowing it to go back down to the lower levels that really makes me feel awkward. While the schedules have been crazy and we haven't been seeing much of one another, I've allowed myself to do the whole pity poor me thing. Ick. But tonight I'm more upbeat. I know that this week is pretty much screwed schedule wise, but I'm focusing on my Husband. I'm thinking of how much I love Him. What His cock feels like inside of me. What His hand feels like on my throat. That pain I get deep inside after being bounced off of His dick like a rag doll. What it feels like when He touches every inch of me, sometimes gently and lovingly. Sometimes roughly and lust filled.

Yes. I think that will help greatly.

** My Dear Kitten page has a new entry for those who are interested.