Taking It Lightly

I actually used to be on social security for my fibromyalgia and migraines. It was before I was 18. My parents couldn't afford all the medical bills as it seemed everyone and their mom wanted to send me to yet another specialist. Some of it was because they couldn't figure out what was causing the migraines. The other was trying to find different ways to manage my pain levels.

I was taken off of social security when I was 19. I had gone up for review and I no longer wanted to go to doctors and specialists when they weren't helping. Also, they had decided that I was able to work, so since I was an adult I was kicked off.

Obviously, I can work, so it's not like I'm complaining. It's just really frustrating when I tell people I have fibromyalgia and am in a lot of pain and they act like it's not that big of a deal. I know I don't show pain easily. I also know that I can do everything everyone else does. Duh. But it hurts. I'm in constant pain. It just ebbs and flows. There are days where it isn't as bad and since I've been this way for so long I'm just used to it. Then there are days where I can barely stand it. And again there are other days where I can't stand it or my neck decides to get stuck. Or maybe I can't wash my hair that day because it hurts too badly to raise my arms that high. (Thankfully Master washes my hair on those days.)

So when people make light of my pain I tend to tell them, that yes, I actually used to get government aid because of it. Trust me, they don't give you that for nothing.

I have insurance now and have had it for a few years now, but I still haven't sought out a specialist. All they are going to do is pump me full of pills. Or maybe they'll try acupuncture again. Perhaps traction again... Or, they could do my personal favorite, which is shove giant needles into my shoulders with medication in them to see if that helps. Oh it helps, for two hours. I can't tell you how many times they did that to me. I've lost count. And I'm not being dramatic when I say huge needles. They were so long that I remember crying the first time I saw it because I thought it was going to scrape against my shoulder blade. Oh those lovely things called trigger point injections. Fuck you doctors.

I know part of the reason why some people take this lightly is because I don't show it. Call it pride. Call it being used to it. Call it being stubborn. But most people on a normal or only slightly bad day can't even tell. They wouldn't think it at all. And I can understand why. It doesn't show up in my face or my movements. It's not until a bad day hits that it's obvious. And I don't really change how I move or what I do.

It's not absolutely horrible today but holy fucking hell am I in pain today. I know it's showing in my movements today, and in how I'm sitting or standing. On and off through out the day my back and shoulder muscles have been twitching and locking momentarily. It's so much fun while having to sit in front of a computer or while carrying stacks of files.

Sorry, I just needed to rant about that simply because I'm in pain and something made me think of people in the past who acted like it was no big deal.