The Day of Ups and Downs

Today has been up and down all damn day. I got up for work and had to remind myself that it was actually Tuesday, not Monday. Right now I'm really thankful that it it's a shorter work week.

First, the work shit. I get to work and ask to leave at 3pm so I can do to my consultation appointment with my dentist. The request is approved and nothing more is said. Then, on my extremely short lunch I get told by a coworker that because yesterday was a holiday if I leave early today I wouldn't get paid my holiday pay. The way I had read it it was if you didn't come in, not if you left early. So I go to HR and she confirms that if I leave early today I won't get paid holiday pay. I quickly explained that it is for a dentist appointment that I had to make last minute. She says fine, she'll talk to my supervisor and they'll make a "management decision"... So I get all stressed out about that and tell Master. He tries to keep me calm. About an hour later I get called back in the HR office and she tells me that I'll still get holiday pay as long as I can bring in a note from the dentist stating that I was actually there and that is why I had left work early. It reminds me of school. Seriously.

So okay fine. Master picks me up and we go to the dentist. The dentist gives me all the options, but saving that tooth is not one of them. So he goes through the whole list. All of them are expensive and painful. It's just varying degrees. I don't really want to go into what all needs to be done, or the options he gave. I'll just say that Master and I aren't making a decision tonight. We need to call the oral surgeon and figure out when they can get me in and how much it'll cost me because not only do I have to go by their schedule I need to schedule it around my work schedule and finances. I'm going to at least need one extra day off, which means burning a vacation day so I can stay home and take care of myself. I'd much rather save it for something fun. But this needs to be taken care of and there is no way Master is going to allow me to just keep putting it off.

So now, back to work shit. My supervisor had said he was hoping to get my review done this week. I seriously fucking doubt it at this point. We have a new girl in the department so he spent the day showing her around. Tomorrow and Thursday we have clients coming in so the whole place is going to be hectic as hell. Then Friday my supervisor leaves at noon. So yeah, some how I think it's going to be put off again.

*sigh*

But Master is making me smile and joking around with me even though I feel down. Not depressed, just down. Overwhelmed is another good word. It was just a lot to process today.

What Is Spring?

Spring isn't how I remembered it as a kid. I remember Spring as being something that happened to gradually raise the temperature from the freezing winters to the hot summers. Not this 50 degrees one day 87 the next bullshit. Blarg.

We haven't turned on the air conditioning yet. We thought about it but decided against it for now. So we turned the ceiling fan on high and took the standing fan out of the bedroom and put it in the living room for now. We'll move it back when we go to bed.

After my four day weekend, which I have greatly enjoyed, I am reluctant to go back to work. I love getting to spend extra time with Master. Today reality smacked me in the face that I have to go back in tomorrow. The only sucky thing is that I know damn well I'm going to have a lot of work on my desk when I come in. The worst part? I have to leave work almost 2 hours early in order to make it to my consultation dentist appointment. If I hadn't made the appointment for tomorrow I would have had to wait until the end of June. That wouldn't normally be a problem except for the fact that the damn tooth still gives me problems on and off. I want to get it taken care of as soon as possible so I'm not screaming in pain at one point because I waited too long. That would suck ass.

Master is coming to pick me up and take me to the dentist appointment. I'm not nervous about it at all. Either it's going to be good news or bad news. Can they save the tooth without making me bankrupt or can't they. Those are really the only two possible outcomes. So we'll see.

Summer Wish List

Now that we've reached 87 degrees I've been thinking about my current wardrobe. I don't have a lot of summer clothes. I hate shorts. To me, if it's hot enough to wear shorts I might as well toss on a skirt. I personally think I look better in skirts, and they are more comfortable. Plus Master loves it when I wear short skirts, so bonus there. I currently have a jean mini skirt, a black cloth mini skirt, a mesh knee length skirt and two dresses.

Yeah. I need more.

So I decided to make a list of ones I want although I'll probably mostly shop in actual stores for them. I've been surfing the web and wanted to keep track of them in case I end up saying fuck it and decide paying shipping is cheaper than gas for the car. (There may or may not be some duplicates. The first wish list post I made I didn't organize well at all.)

Skirts:

1. Lip Service Fallout Black Dress -  This isn't my normal style but I kind of like it.


2. Black French Terry Studded Skirt - Master said He really likes this one and I have to agree with Him.


3. Black Knit Zipper Ruffle Skirt - This is kind of cute. I like that it's tight and that it has a full front zipper but the small bit of ruffle kind of throws me off.


4. Sweater Knit Bandage Skirt - I really like this one.


5. Tripp Black Zipper Grommet Strap Pencil Skirt - It's a bit longer than I would normally wear, but I love it.

Dresses:

1. Single Sleeve Ruched Dress - This is hot.


2. Knit Banded Hem Dress - This isn't bad.


3. One Shoulder Mesh Inset Dress - I love this dress and Master likes it as well. (He's sometimes peeking over my shoulder as I make this list.)

Heels:

1. Strappy Lace-Up Heel Sandal - These are nice.


2. Multi-Strap High Heeled Sandal - Master really likes this pair.

 

Bribing Master

Our dynamic of Master and slave is always in place. We're not "part timers". But even so sometimes I can bribe or cut a deal with Him. Sometimes it's pretty easy, other times it takes a while.

This time, it's taken 6 years. That is not a typo. *laughs*

Master has been living in our current apartment for 7 years. I've been here for 6 years. Almost a month after I moved in here we were talking about leaving at the end of the lease. It's not that this is a bad place or anything, it's just something we started talking about. When we were first talking about moving in together we figured it would be us finding a place together and moving in at the same time. Not me moving in with Him or Him moving in with me. But the financial situation at the time didn't allow for that. My lease had ended which is why rather than renewing again I just moved in with Master.

Well financial situations haven't allowed us to move. That and finding an apartment that will take a large dog is pretty fucking difficult. It was more so when we had our Ghost puppy because of his breeds. He was a German Shepard / Husky mix. It was the German Shepard part a lot of people had a problem with and it was pretty obvious that he was part Shepard other wise we would have just lied. He was a good dog, a very loving boy. He didn't have aggressive tendencies at all. But there are stereo types for certain breeds which invoke fear or concern. Which is really sad.

But getting back to my original point, we've been stuck here. Our lease renews again this fall. Our friend SS has offered for us to rent out the house her and her fiance are moving out of. They own it, so we'd be renting it from them. At first I was so excited because it would be a whole house and we'd be out of here. But then Master smacked me with some realities. I would lose my carpool because we'd be pretty far away from where we currently are. Our electric bill would be much higher because instead of a two bedroom apartment it would be a three bedroom house. We'd have to take on more bills such as water, sewer, etc. Our finances are tight enough.

Plus Master honestly doesn't want to move until it's either a rent-to-own or a straight up mortgage. He doesn't want to move just to rent somewhere else. That was another thing that kept us from moving when I first got here.

I'm rambling. So what was the deal I cut? Well, when I moved in I didn't bring any furniture with me. All the furniture was already here, so I didn't have to. There are certain things we got rid of such as two couches we had. But we only got rid of them because His mother offered us an $800 couch she was getting rid of for free. It was in perfect condition she just wanted a $1,500 leather couch instead. So we took the couch. We have also obtained a dresser and a recliner from her just because she wanted to redecorate. (My mother-in-law is weird.) We got one end table that my dad gave us.

But there are three pieces of furniture that I have been bugging Master to let me replace. One is the headboard. He doesn't want to move that. It's heavy as hell. He says He doesn't want to move it until we actually move out of here at which point we will simply junk it and buy a new one. Another one is the computer desk. No excuse there really, He just didn't want to get rid of it and figures we'll just get a new one when we move out. The last one, the one I absolutely hated, was the entertainment center. It was big, no problem there. But it was black press board and it was a bit warped because of it's age. Master said He just didn't want to dick with it and we'll replace it when we move.

The other "defense" as it were that He had was that we couldn't afford to replace such things. They weren't things we had replaced simply because we just an upgrade from one of our relatives. And He was right.

When I did move in over 6 years ago though I had a TV with me. It was going to go in the bedroom because at the time Master had a working one already. Well, there was no place to put the damn thing in the bedroom. So I had gone out and purchased a really nice smaller entertainment center. But see, that was for the bedroom. Not the living room. And since we were using it in the bedroom He didn't see a reason to switch them. I agreed.

Well His TV died a few years ago. So we brought the TV out of the bedroom and put it out here. The entertainment center I bought when I first moved in just became something to put collectables on.

Last night I was thinking about the entertainment center in the bedroom. I hadn't really thought of it before but for some reason it hit me. We don't have to spend money to replace the entertainment center in the living room because we already have one! So I brought it up. Master huffed and sighed. My Master, the love of my life that He is, hates change. He hates it when we have to get new electronics, He hates it when we have to get new furniture. The only piece of furniture He wants to replace is the bed. He wants something with more support for His back. But that's for functional purposes. He hates it at the time of the change, but eventually He comes to love it or He just accepts and tolerates it because He knows it makes me happy and quite honestly I do not ask for much. He gets irritated because I don't want much.

So I kept talking about it without trying to nag. (Although I'm sure He would say I was nagging.) And finally He cut a deal with me. We would take the old entertainment center out to the dumpster, pull the other one out of the bedroom and get it all arranged. I was so happy I didn't care what the terms were. They honestly weren't that bad. I had to take the dog out all three times today. Morning, afternoon and night. No biggie there. And I also could no longer talk about replacing the headboard or computer desk until one of two things happen. Either we are moving into somewhere new or it starts to break. I agreed readily. The computer desk and headboard just aren't really my style. No big deal. But I loathed that damn entertainment center. I hated it. Big black warped press board. Ugh. It's not like Master liked it either. It's what He had at the time and once it was there He didn't want to go through the hassle of taking all the electronics out and fuck with it. And I understood that to a point. But when I moved in I didn't think we'd still be here 6 years later.

So like I said I agreed. Master woke me up at 7am to take the dog out because the dog had woken Him up. I took him with no complaint what so ever. I went back to bed afterward. Master and I got up a bit later and after Master's shower we started on our project. I was grinning the whole time. It probably sounds so damn stupid. I'm grinning over changing out an entertainment center.

We got all of the electronics out and dusted the hell out of them. We put the dog in his crate and opened the sliding glass door in the living room. We each grabbed an end of the old entertainment center and out to the dumpster it went. We came back in and I cleaned the area we had just cleared while Master dragged the "new" entertainment center from the bedroom. We got it set up and we put all the electronics on it. It looks awesome! Everything was hooked up properly the first time, which surprised me. Normally at least one cord is either "left over" or is hooked up to the wrong thing. But this time it went smooth as silk. I know Master right now does not like it. But He hasn't bitched once. He hasn't rolled His eyes and He hasn't commented on it at all. The only thing He did say was that either He would come to like it better or He would come to tolerate it. But I know the only reason He did this at all was to make me happy.

We both know we are stuck here for quite some time and Master knows I've wanted to get rid of that thing since I moved in here six years ago. And He knows that once it dawned on me that we're probably stuck here for at least another two years, it bothered me. He gave in and let me do this one thing to try to please me.

I just typed a 1,600+ word post about a damn entertainment center. Wow. Again, that may seem stupid but it really meant a lot to me for Him to do that.

Oh, by the way... the living room actually looks bigger because we don't have a huge entertainment center in it that we didn't even have enough stuff to fill it with. So yay all around!

Fear of the Dentist

Yesterday Master allowed me to skip my blog post because we were relaxing and having a good time. Before we knew it, it was pretty late and Master said I could skip it. So now, some catch up.

Yesterday I had off of work. I had scheduled the day off quite some time ago, but it served a different purpose than intended. I had originally scheduled it off in order to relax for four days straight and not worry about anything. Well with how my toothache was getting worse and then calming back down I had scheduled a dentist appointment. I got up and was a bit nervous about it. Originally I had wanted Master to go with me just because of how nervous I get at the dentist. I knew He would have to stay in the waiting room but just knowing He was close helps me a great deal.

But Master's back has been bothering Him a lot. It bothers Him to the point that He has not been sleeping well at all. An hour here, an hour there. He's constantly getting up because the back pain won't allow Him to stay asleep or He tosses and turns. Thursday was one of those nights. The appointment was at 12:30pm. Master woke up not feeling well, still tired. I understood and there was no need for Him to actually go with me. So I went by myself.

I got there, filled out the new patient paperwork and gave them my insurance information. I had to sit in the waiting room for a while because I had gotten there about a half hour early. I just wanted to get it over with.

Finally they take me into the room and before I even sit down I explain that if I start shaking it's only because I'm nervous. I told them that I had a very bad experience with a dentist in the past when I was a teenager and that when I have tried going in to a dentist since then I have been somewhat judged whether it be because of my nervousness or the fact that my teeth are not in the best of shape. They aren't horrible. But there are quite a few cavities some of which are large. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that my fear of dentists and lack of insurance has kept me from going for routine dental care. It is embarrassing and that also adds to the fear of me going. But these people were so nice, understanding and did nothing but try to keep me calm and talked to me the whole time. They explained everything they were doing and just started chatting away like we were old friends. It was very comforting.

Nothing was really done to fix the toothache. This was a preliminary visit. They took a full mouth x-ray which took a while because they are done in sections and they wanted to get a few different angles of certain teeth. Then they did a cleaning and polished my teeth.

They set up a consultation on how to fix the main problem, the tooth that is causing the pain. Again at the consultation it's not going to be fixed, it's going to be used to talk about options and what I am comfortable with, what is realistic and what isn't going to ruin me financially. Even though I have dental insurance it's not the best in the world. My medical insurance rocks but the dental leaves something to be desired. So I'll take on a good portion of the bill. But at least the insurance will cover something.

Before I left they gave me a bag full of "oral care goodies". They gave me a new tooth brush, two different kinds of dental floss and mouth wash that doesn't contain alcohol. (This particular dentist does not like mouth wash that contains alcohol because it dries out your gums.)

After the dentist appointment I felt... relieved. I was worried that I would have similar experiences to the ones I've had in the past. This was... a pleasant surprised. I do believe I have found a dentist that I will have no anxiety over seeing. Of course I had to list the medications I'm on and the dentist did not recognize the one I had listed, so she asked what it was for. I explained that I was bipolar. I'm still getting used to the fact that I have to say this. There is a lot of misconceptions about the disorder and I was worried they were going to think I'm bonkers. But she just said okay, made a note and didn't treat me any differently.

She did ask me what my bad experience was though. She wanted to understand so she could take precautions that it wouldn't happen in their office. So I told her.

When I was about 14 my wisdom teeth were coming in, but they were coming in sideways and causing a great deal of pain. They hadn't broken through the gum line yet but the dentist insisted that they had to come out now. So my mother took me in. It was the only dentist in the area that would take our insurance which admittedly sucked ass. I know that she specifically asked me to be put completely under. She has also had bad experiences with dentists before which I think already had me nervous about them to begin with. This particular experience didn't help one bit.

The dentist did not put me under. He numbed my gums and gave me very little "laughing gas" and that was it. He was very rough about it. I remember more than once when he was pulling his fingers out of my mouth his dental equipment knocked my front teeth and a few times scraped my chin. That scared the hell of out me for some reason. He also didn't suction all that much. I swallowed a lot of blood. He had had to cut into the gums to remove them so yeah, there was a lot of damn blood. As soon as the stitches were in and he moved back I ran to the bathroom and was sick because of the blood that had gone down my throat. I was sobbing because it hurt so damn much. I was then on the couch for four days with ice packs wrapped around my cheeks. My cheeks were so puffed up I didn't even recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. And I was continuously throwing up because my stomach was still getting rid of what I had swallowed during the procedure.

To me it was very traumatic. It may not sound like it, but to me it was. The dentist said she was so sorry to hear that that had happened to me. She promised that nothing like that would happen to me in their office.

Like I said it was very comforting. I didn't shake at all. I was surprised. I'm a little disappointment that I am going to have to leave work early on Tuesday to go to this appointment. First, gas isn't cheap and Master is going to have to drive 45 minutes to come get me, drive 45 minutes back to get me to the dentist and then get us both home after. Thankfully the dentist is only 5 minutes from the house.

I have told Master that I am going to take better care of my teeth before the problem gets any worse. We are going to take care of the biggest problem first and then go from there. It's going to be a long process simply because of the expense. But we'll get there. I am also going to go in for routine cleanings from now on. Master said He is proud of me and happy that I'm taking these steps. He doesn't judge me at all because of my cavities. He has said that He just wants me to keep my health, dental or other wise, as first priority. My mental health has been and is continuing to be addressed. Now I just have to get the rest of it rolling. I'm glad that I've started it with my teeth. It's long overdue.

A Bit Late

This post is a bit late. It's supposed to be for 05/26 but Master and I were watching this really interesting TV series on Netflix and by the time we finished it it was already midnight. Oh well.

I don't have to work tomorrow. I have a nice four day weekend! Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment. I've had a toothache on and off for a little while now and I know I have cavities and I know I have to start getting them fixed. So yeah, I have an appointment tomorrow. I've put it off for a long time for two reasons. First, I didn't have dental insurance until recently. Second, I am scared of the dentist. Any dentist. This is thanks to butcher of a dentist I had when I was a teenager. I'm not as nervous as I thought I would be about tomorrow. Master says I'm getting better about it.

Other than that we are meeting up with my mother on Saturday. Then on Sunday we are supposed to meet up with SS. She had said earlier in the week that she wanted to get together and we hadn't heard from her since. So Master had me get in contact with her today. She still wants to get together on Sunday. She just doesn't know what we'll be doing. She wants me to call her on Sunday after I get up and we'll basically wing it from there. Master doesn't seem very thrilled about it, but I figure if anything else if He wakes up on Sunday and decides He doesn't want to deal with it we can just cancel. No biggie. We don't have anything going on Monday and I'm hopefully going to keep it that way.

I'm honestly surprised that I'm not tired. I got up at 6am and it's now 12:30am. *shrugs*

Give Me More Money

My two year mark at my job passed in March. I have been ever so patiently waiting for my review. It has now passed the two month mark, so I sent my supervisor and e-mail to see if he had a guesstimate as to when my review would actually take place. He said that he is "hoping" to have my review fully written out by the end of this week. If that in fact happens he said my actual review will be held next week.

Now I've had reviews later than 2 months trust me. And yes, I realize that most reviews at any job are never on time. But it still irritates the living hell out of me. I do my job every day, on time, but my review can't be at least within a month of the actual date. *sigh* It's not like my supervisor doesn't know it's coming up. It's not like he doesn't have time to prepare. My last supervisor was much, much worse though. He at one point took over 9 months to do someone's review. That is fucking insane. I would have been in HR's office after three months had gone by bitching up a storm.

I also know that nothing guarantees a raise. But in the "business" I'm in I know damn well they aren't hurting for money. I won't go into what my place of employment actually does, so please don't ask. All I'll say is that it is not shady and it is not illegal. And no one who works there has never not gotten a raise. It may be a small one because they suck at their job, but they at least get some kind of bump.

Me? I bust my ass. I've taken the initiative to ask for cross training, which my supervisor agreed would be a good idea he just has to time it right so that our trainer isn't overwhelmed. I get that, but hey... I'm the one that brought it up. I've never gotten less than a 3% raise. And 3% is the standard. I'm hoping that my raise is a decent one. If it isn't I'm hoping I have the nerve to ask for more. The worst that can happen is that they say no. But I get so damn nervous about making waves at my job. I don't want to put my job in jeopardy because I asked for more money. I know that's a worst case scenario but it's still one that whispers in my ear from the back of my head.

I want my raise. I know they will back date it, but I want it now. I'm not normally a patient person anyway, but then you throw money in the mix and I'm much worse.

Next week is a four day work week so if what my supervisor said is true it'll be either next Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. Here's hoping.

Focus

Master and I had a talk not that long ago. We were both stressing out and withdrawing into ourselves and no longer really focusing on each other, our marriage or our dynamic.

It's not that our marriage was in shambles or anything, it's just that we were so focused on all of the outside influences that we weren't acting like we normally do. We weren't as affectionate and our dynamic was in a slump.

Since that talk that took a few days we've been doing a lot better. We've been more affectionate, we've been focusing more on each other and our dynamic. Our sex life is back to where it was. The outside stresses are still there and just as bad as they were, but we're handling it a lot better.

Master has been giving more orders, I've been more docile. I haven't been perfect. I've been bratty and mouthy. I've been in bad moods as has Master. But we move past it a lot faster than we had been. We are trying to correct it as soon as one or both of us notice it.

I feel more at ease when our dynamic is strong and in place. I handle stress better, I don't react so strongly when something is bothering me. I am able to verbalize what is bothering me instead of just digging deeper into my own head and withdrawing more from Master.

One thing we agreed on was that if I focus less on the stress and more on my collar everything will go a lot smoother. Same for Master, if He focuses more on His ownership of me instead of the stress He seems to be able to handle it a lot better as well.

It's a wonderful feeling and hopefully we can keep focused.

Each day I've been attempting to refocus my energy when I feel myself getting really stressed out I start running my fingers across my cuff, my collar and my wedding ring. Anything I can to get myself to remember what is the most important thing. It's more important than any stress or worry. My Master, my Husband, my mate, our marriage and my submission to Him.

Like I said the worries and stress are still there but I'm handling it a lot better. Master seems to be as well. We still get upset, we still get aggravated but we aren't withdrawing from each other and we're not at each other's throats.

Fun At The Concert

My brother had purchased four concert tickets. One each for Master and myself. One for him and one for his friend. Well there was a lot of back and forth going on about the whole ride situation for my brother. The original plan was for me to pick him up, the three of us go to the concert and then he spends the night. This was before he bought an extra ticket for his friend.

So his friend said he wanted to go and that he would be my brother's ride up here. So my brother bought him a ticket.

Well Friday (the night before the concert) my brother calls me at 1:30 in the morning and he is pissed. Thankfully I was still awake or I'm sure I would have been pissed too. His friend had called and said he no longer wanted to go to the concert. This was after my brother had spent good money on his ticket. My brother had no one else who wanted to go, so he also didn't have a ride. I didn't have the gas to go get him either. I hadn't put as much in the gas tank because as of three weeks ago he had it all planned out.

My brother was really upset. He had spent all this money, he really wanted to go to the concert and he was pretty much fucked over at the last minute. So I told him to blow that guy's phone up. Call, text, whatever but get a hold of his ass and tell him that either he goes, or he gives my brother the money for the ticket so he can use part of that for gas.

My brother called me around 11am on Saturday to say that calling and texting hadn't been working so he had gone to this guy's house and pounded on the door until he answered. He said that he had to fork over the money for his ticket because he had cancelled last minute. The dude gave him no end of shit but my brother didn't back down either. So eventually my brother got the money for the ticket. He handed his friend the ticket and said that if he could find a way up he could use it. Apparently this guy's license was suspended so my brother wold have been driven to the concert by someone who legally shouldn't have been driving and he wouldn't have known until after the fact.

So I go down there and I picked up my brother. On the way back to my place we put gas in the car. When we got to the apartment we had time to kill so we ate dinner and joked around for a while. Then came concert time! We all piled in the car and headed on down.

We took a look at the merch booth because my brother said he wanted to peek at it. Master and I knew we didn't have the funds but were also interested to see what they had. So we stopped. Next thing we know my brother is asking Master which shirt He likes the best. Master gave him a weird look and my brother said, "No seriously. Which one?" So Master told him. My brother walks up there, gets the exact t-shirt Master had pointed out in Master's size, hands it to Him and says, "Happy early birthday."

My brother loves my Husband, and they have a great time hanging out. I'm very glad that they get along so well.

So off to the part of the building the concert was in! It was standing room only and the room was huge. I knew I wasn't going to be able to see much at all, but that didn't bother me. I just wanted the experience. The two opening bands go through their sets and they sucked. The three of us are yelling for them to get the hell off the stage.

Finally the main attraction! The music was amazing, we were all singing along and screaming and just having a blast. I was rocking out to the beat, my brother was pumping his fist in the air and Master was just having a blast as well.

We were all dripping with sweat when the concert was done and over with. I think we each must have lost like 5 lbs. We couldn't hear well, our throats were killing us but we were all grinning like fools.

We got back to our place and we all stayed up until about 3am. Master and I went to bed and my brother crashed out on the couch. I ended up waking up at 10:30am. Master got up shortly there after, so I woke up my brother. We were all sore and stiff. Standing on your feet for 4+ hours and rocking out like we were will do that to you. Especially with people pushing, shoving and attempting to start mosh pits.

We sat in the living room and talked for quite some time. Unfortunately it came time for me to take my brother home. So I take him home and on the ride back down there my brother just kept going on and on about what a great time he had and how much he loves just chilling at our place and spending the night. I told him he's welcome anytime and that Master always enjoys having him over as well. That made him smile. My brother has a lot of stress in his life right now, some of it self inflicted. Master and I have a lot of stress but all of that melted away while he was up here and at the concert. We just concentrated on having a good time and not allowing anything to interfere with that.

My brother said that he wants to try and come up about once a month to spend the night, I told him that was fine as long as everyone's schedules mesh.

I came back home and Master and I spent the day enjoying our time together. So thanks to my brother we had the most stress free weekend we've had in a long, long time.

Blank Mind

This week has been long and tiring. My energy level has been rather low by the time I get home from work. I hate that because I want to be awake and alert when I'm home because it's not too long before I have to go to bed. Today I feel a bit better than I have been but my mind is just kind of blank and I'm enjoying it.

My job has been draining this week. So my mind has been racing trying to keep up with everything. My brain finally has a chance to just shut down and allow me to fully relax. Master and I have been having a wonderful night. We found a new show that we like on Netflix, so we've been watching that and talking during or in between episodes.

We cleaned the rabbit cages, spent time with our mutt and I took a nice hot shower.

Master wanted me to dress up after my shower so I decided on my school girl outfit. It seems to be one of His favorites. I've been so tired lately that He hasn't been having me put in the effort of getting dressed up for Him and then possibly passing out before He has a chance to fully take advantage of the situation. Don't get me wrong, He's fucked me through out the week but it's been either Him waking me up with His cock or by taking me to the bedroom shortly before my normal bedtime.

However, since my mind is rather blank I don't have a lot to say here to be honest. But it's my daily blog post. I've been allowed to skip a few lately and I didn't want to ask to skip another one. So I'm being a good girl and trying to concentrate long enough to type out this post.

I don't mean to bore anyone with my short posts lately. It's just been a really taxing week. I'm so glad I have the next two days to just enjoy the break and the nice weather.

Quality Time

I don't know if I mentioned this before or not. I'm too lazy to go into the archives and look. A while ago my brother learned that one of Master's favorite bands is going to be in town. My birthday had just passed as had our anniversary. Then Master's birthday (which Master insists does not exist this year) is next month. So for an all in one shot my brother got us tickets for the concert. At first we were grateful but not all YAY! or anything. Just "Hey man that is awesome, thank you!"

Now, the concert is very close. It's this Saturday in fact. We have our tickets and we're ready to go. My brother and a friend of his is going as well. Hopefully his friend is not an annoying asshole. But it's cool that my brother will be there as well.

Since it's so close I'm started to get excited about it. Master and I haven't been to a concert in five years. It seems like not that long ago I was going to concerts at least every other year. But then the ticket prices started to get higher so I became more selective in the bands I was willing to pony up the money for. Then the bands I would love to see live either didn't come close enough into the area or I didn't have the money at the time.

So this will be wicked as hell. I know for a fact I'll be pretty much deaf on Sunday. Thankfully that will be the day of recovery before I have to go back to work on Monday.

The weirdest thought hit me a few days ago regarding the concert. This will be the third concert Master and I have gone to together. However, it will be the first one we've been to since we got married. So then I started laughing about that thinking to myself, "Aw! It's our first concert as a married couple!"

To most people that would probably sound like a really odd thing to say. But Master and I are really into music (as far as listening) and miss going to concerts together.

Stick A Fork In Me...

... I'm done.

The past few days my fibromyalgia has been kicking my ass. Today is the worst it has been in quite some time. Everything from the back of my neck down hurts like hell. It's not strictly because of my fibromyalgia. But the lower back and tail bone is because I've been sitting weird or moving in a certain way to ease the pain in my neck and shoulders. As a result my lower back and tail bone are bitching up a storm.

Master has been very kind though. He saw me wincing when I went from a sitting position to laying on my side while I was on the couch. He asked me what was wrong, I told Him and the next words out of His mouth were "Lay on your stomach."

Now normally when He says those words it means He's about to use me for His pleasure. But since I was on the couch I knew that wasn't the case. I got on my stomach as I was told and He sat on the couch next to me. (I don't take up a lot of room on the couch.) He got some lotion and worked on my entire back for about an episode and a half of Battlestar Galactica. That's a long time. And He did this even though His back is also really bothering Him. His back has been to tender and sore for me to really work on it though. It hurts more than it helps. Poor Master. :-(

Hopefully over the course of the next couple of days the weather will level out and so will my body.

Dependent

There are times where I sometimes don't realize exactly how dependent on Master I really am. It's just a part of who I am now. It's as if that has always been there, regardless of the fact that there was actually a time where I didn't know Him.

Why do I say this? Independence apparently scares the ever living hell out of me. You may be wondering what the hell I'm talking about and when I explain it I'm sure someone, somewhere, will find it stupid. But I'm okay with that.

Not that long ago I made friends with two of my coworkers. BV and MV. They are quite literally the first friends I've made since I moved up here 6 years ago.

When I moved up here to live with Master I stopped talking with all of my old friends. It wasn't Master though, it was just a lot of bullshit that I didn't need and/or want anymore. So moving out of my home town just felt like it was the perfect time for a new beginning friend wise.

But with Master came a built in circle of friends. Most of them accepted me. The cast has changed every now and then, but there is always that one common factor... I would not be friends with them if I wasn't with Master. They are Master's friends. Then comes along MV and BV. We hang out we have a good time and what not. But then it just hit me like a ton of bricks, they are my friends. Not Master's. They aren't from Master's circle.

I started to feel uneasy. I find myself not wanting to talk to them as often. I work with them, so obviously I'll have to interact with them. But I'm not too sure how often I'll want to hang out with them outside of work. I mean here and there, yeah sure. But for a while we were all talking like it was going to be an every other weekend thing. If they were Master's friends then I wouldn't have a problem with it. (Depending on the friend that is...) But not only that, I also wouldn't have much say. If Master wanted one of His friends to come over every other weekend I would just have to accept it. I may not like it, but I would have no choice in the matter.

So I made these friends on my own.. Master more or less tolerates them. He seems to have a good time with them, but I think after a while it will get really stale. We are on opposite ends of what we find interesting or entertaining from them. Not a big deal, but after a while we're going to run out of shit to do and talk about.

Don't you love how I'm slowly but surely talking myself out of hanging out with these people? Now, some people may think it'd be really bitchy of me to just drop them like a bad habit. They haven't done anything wrong after all. And I wasn't planning on just cutting off contact. I was planning on slowly backing out of it.

I just... I don't know how to explain it but it doesn't feel right that I made friends on my own. It feels uncomfortable and I don't like it at all. It's nothing MV or BV did, it's just how I'm reacting to the situation itself. They are not Master's circle of friends which means that they are not Master's choice. That knowledge alone bothers me.

I'm not sure if I'm even making any sense in this post. I'm sure I sound brain washed. But that's okay. Master has molded me for the past eight years. I'm bound to be at least partially brain washed by now.

Another In-Law

Up until today I had met my mother-in-law, my father-in-law, and my three sister-in-laws.

Just so we get all of this straight my Husband is the only child of His mother. Then there is my father-in-law who has five children (including Master) over the course of three marriages.

Master had not been on speaking terms on His father's side of the family for about 15 years. It has only been in the past year that He got back in contact with His father. The reasons for the long "break" are multiple and complicated. And really there is no use in getting into them here.

Today however I got to meet my brother-in-law, his wife and their 2 year old daughter. We met them at a restaurant. It was at first a little awkward as Master and His brother looked at each other and "sized each other up". But shortly after that everything became relaxed. All of the past hurts and confusion quickly became water under the bridge. They were catching up and we were all having a great time. It was when Master saw their child that it really hit Him that He is an uncle. She is a cute kid. She soon became curious about Master and myself. It didn't take long before she became comfortable with both of us. She gave Master high-fives and she said "up" while standing next to me.

I picked her up and let her sit in my lap and play with my hands. This made my brother-in-law and his wife smile. She did this again while we were all eating because she had finished her food and didn't want to be in her high chair any longer. So I stopped eating and let her sit in my lap again. They told her to come sit by them again because I had been eating. I said that it was alright and let her stay. I know that parents don't really get a chance to eat at restaurants when their child is with them because the child is constantly demanding their attention. Also I wanted them to be able to talk freely with Master and catch up. So I was more than happy to entertain my niece-in-law.

The conversations flowed freely and was so comfortable that it was honestly hard to believe that they hadn't seen each other in so long. Every one had a good time and before we knew it they invited us to their house in the near future to a cook out. His brother's exact words were "We can grill out and have a couple of beers together."

We spent a little over two hours there. On the way home and since that point Master has been in a very good mood. It makes me happy to see how much this is effecting Him in a very positive way. I am glad that He has gotten back in contact with that side of His family. His mother is becoming more and more a pain in the ass and just someone who if she wasn't His mother we would not associate with on any level. Mean while His father's side of the family, the side that has had a lot of old grudges over the years, have been welcoming us both with open arms. The grudges forgotten almost immediately. They all just want Him to be a part of their lives again. And there for, by being His wife, myself. They come at it with the attitude that life is too short, they are family and the past is the past. Now and the future is what matters.

It is heart warming and such a drastic, and welcome, change from His mother.

Work & Family

First the work portion of this post.

Today sucked. It was the Friday I was supposed to be able to leave at noon. But I couldn't because I had a lot of work to catch up on and I didn't want to come in on Monday to all of it on top of my new weekly case load. So I stayed. I was getting a ride from MV and BV when they were done. They don't leave until 5pm.

So I busted my ass all day today. The good thing is that I am caught up. Yay! It was actually gratifying in it's own way being able to get caught up just because I was there for another four hours. (I did take a lunch.) It also helped that I was in a low-key form of a manic phase. Even in a low-key version of such I get hyper, I become extremely productive and my mind bounces around like it's a super bouncy ball.

I ended up clocking out at 4:35pm. I had run out of work and I'm not the type of employee to pad my hours. I don't need to get in trouble simply because I wanted a little bit more on my paycheck. It's not worth it. So I waited until MV and BV were done. The only problem was that BV couldn't clock out until 5:30pm. Oh well. I called Master and let Him know that I was running behind because of such.

I got home around 6pm and immediately hopped in our car to run down to Wendy's to grab dinner. When I got home we ate and watched an episode of Torchwood. After that I started to crash. I had stayed up late last night, got up at 6am and my manic mode was wearing off rather quickly. So Master allowed me to go to the bedroom and nap. He woke me up a little after 9:30pm. So now we have the rest of the evening to spend time together.

Okay, on to the family portion of this post.

Tomorrow Master is going to see His half-brother for the first time in over 10 years. He lost touch with His half-brother and half-sister when He stopped talking to their/His father. Now that Master and His father are back on good terms He is slowly but surely getting back in touch with the rest of that side of the family. Master and I had already seen His three half-sisters. Now it is time for the half-brother. Master is not the least bit nervous. I am a little bit. I want Master's family to like me, but I don't want to be fake about it. I want to be myself and I will be.

His mother says she likes me, but I know deep down she only likes certain qualities I have but not myself as a whole. His father thinks I'm great. He calls me a "firecracker". *giggles* His three half-sisters like me. So I am hoping that His half-brother and his wife do as well.

I told Master as such and He said He isn't worried about it because it's not like anyone in His family can change His mind about me. Well I know that, obviously. But still. My family, all of them, love Master. They think He's great. So I would like at least one side of His family to like me just as much. On His mother's side it's just Him and His mother. But His father's side of the family is huge. It's like they can't stop reproducing. I think they are trying to take over the world. His father alone has five children over the course of three marriages. His half-brother is going on his second child and it sounds that at least the wife wants more.

So tomorrow should prove to be interesting to say the least.

Getting It Back

For some time now Master and I have both commented on how we have been drifting slowly but surely apart. Stress is the main factor. Isn't it always? And where does our stress always come from? Money. Finances are still tight. Master is still looking for a job.

He was withdrawing because of it and so was I. We were retreating into ourselves and that is not healthy for our marriage or our dynamic. The conversations to get us back to where we should be started a couple of weeks ago. However after that talk nothing had really changed. We got a little heated yesterday via texts and when I got home we were still on edge because of it.

Thankfully my happy pills are working. I haven't totally flipped out since upping the dosage. So I was able to calmly begin a conversation with Master about how we both have been acting. It was brief, but the bridge across the gap was made.

Then today when I got home we talked a bit more and suddenly it seemed that the gap was gone completely. We were joking around, being affectionate, Master was giving orders and I was obeying. Everything synched up and we were acting like we normally do. It felt really good. It feels really good.

Another part of the problem was that one or both of us have not been feeling well over the past two weeks. And again as a result things were being misunderstood or simply just not being said at all. Thankfully we are both feeling better, although not 100%. So that also opened up our window of setting things right.

I hate it when it feels like we're drifting apart. It feels... lonely, confusing and it hurts. I know it hurts Him as well. But we're both stubborn as hell and sometimes it takes a while for us to actually talk about what the base of the problem is and get out shit together so to speak.

I know we both need to find better ways to deal with the stress of our financial situation. It's not healthy or fair that we end up taking it out on each other, sometimes without even realizing it. We are so much stronger together. Sometimes we lose sight of that for some reason.

Hurry Up Weekend

As I said in yesterday's post work has been extremely busy and extremely stressful. In fact today as I saw that as soon as I got one thing done another thing suddenly appeared on my desk, I knew that I wasn't going to get caught up by noon on Friday. This week is normally the Friday where I get to leave at noon.

I also started to realize that if I left at noon on Friday I would be even further behind and it would be hell playing catch up next week. So as much as I didn't want to, I talked to my supervisor. He said that ultimately it was my call, that I could let it slide until next week but he also said that it was probably a good idea that if I wasn't caught up significantly by the time I leave tomorrow that I stay late on Friday.

Nice hint Mr. Supervisor. Very subtle.

So depending on how my desk looks by 5pm tomorrow I may be staying at work late. Joy. On one hand it will suck. On the other hand the overtime will be really nice.

So then comes my other dilemma. I carpool to work, so if I do have to stay late on Friday I'll have to find another way home. MV and BV offered to take me home when they get out of work at 5pm. So I'd be staying an extra 5 hours. Again the overtime sounds great. But it will still suck.

When I got home I told Master all of this and He offered to come pick me up when I was done. That would be great and everything, but we have a lot of running going on soon. Saturday we are meeting up with His brother. I think Sunday is free. Next weekend on Saturday we are going to a concert because my brother got us tickets. That Sunday we are going down to visit my family.

So yeah. Gas is not cheap right now. I'll hopefully get my paycheck stub tomorrow so I can run through finances real quick to see what is feasible and what isn't. From there Master and I can decide what would be better. Him picking me up and my maybe not having to stay so late, or me getting a free ride home at 5pm on Friday.

Long Damn Day

Last night I couldn't go to bed on time. Okay I could have, but there was no way I would have done anything else besides lay there, tossing and turning and becoming more and more frustrated. This is what happens when you're not feeling well and end up sleeping more than 12 hours straight.

So Master allowed me to stay up. But finally it reached 1am and Master told me to go to bed. So I pouted a bit but finally went to bed. I tossed and turned for a little while but eventually drifted off to sleep.

Then today decided to kick my ass.

To start I woke up with a headache. Seriously?! That's some bullshit. I took some pain meds and took the dog out. I got ready, made sure to bring my sunglasses because my eyes get extremely light sensitive when I have a headache and went to work.

I'm really glad I clocked in early today. My desk was full of stuff for me to do. And more kept coming as the day went on. My supervisor brought over two things that he needed done right away, so that slowed me down a little bit. But I figure doing what he wants immediately, regardless of my work load, can only make me look better.

I cut my lunch down from 1 hour to a whopping 5 minutes. Yeah. But even at that, by the end of the day I had barely made a dent in my work load. It looks like I'll be spending the next two days cranking out my work. I have to be caught up by Friday because I'm leaving at noon that day.

When I got home I was very sore. My shoulders were throbbing. Master offered to work on them after dinner. So when He was ready He put a pillow on the floor and had me sit on it. He then handed me His jean jacket to drape over my lap cause I was a bit chilled. He then worked on my shoulders until I was putty. And He used lotion when He worked on my shoulders! He hates using lotion when He rubs my shoulders or back. It's a special treat. I love it because it feels better and it helps me with my dry skin.

Now I'm off to go take a hot shower and get my muscles to loosen up so I don't wake up in a lot more pain than I already am.

Migraine From Hell

Yesterday around 2 or 3pm my head started to hurt. It started off at the temples and slowly but surely spread out to the rest of my head. By 6pm Master was hinting that I should go lay down. I didn't look well, I was cranky, my eyes couldn't focus for long and yeah.. it was time to lay my happy ass down.

So I went into the bedroom. I had made sure my alarms for the next day were set just so I wouldn't forget later. I figured it was 6pm so I would probably only sleep for a couple of hours and be fine again. Yeah. Right. That so did not happen.

Master checked on my three separate times. He woke me up each time to see how I was doing. I said my head still hurt and that I didn't feel well. So He allowed me to continue sleeping.

Around 9pm He woke me up so I could take my happy pill. Once that was done I still wasn't feeling well but Master said I should at least take my shower to see if that helped at all. So I mumbled something that kind of sounded like I agreed with Him and stumbled into the bathroom. It was a short shower. I got clean and I got the fuck out. The bathroom light was killing my eyes, but I didn't want to take a shower in the dark because knowing my clumsy self I would have slipped and cracked my head on something.

As soon as the shower was done I put on one of Master's t-shirts and came out into the living room for a little while. He looked at me and said that I should probably lay down again. I agreed and went back to bed.

I then slept through the rest of the night. So between 6 to 10pm I was only awake for a total of 25 minutes. I didn't get up again until 6am when my alarm went off. I got up with the intention of going to work. My head was still pounding but I figured I could muscle through it. I took the dog out, came back in.... and immediately threw up. Ugh. So once that was done I breathed for a little while and then tried to brush my teeth. Bad idea. I threw up again. By that point the pounding in my head became much worse and I was dizzy. So I sent a text to my carpool and said I wouldn't be going in. I called my supervisor to say I wasn't coming in.

I then went into the bedroom and grabbed the blindfold. No, not for anything kinky. Believe me I was not even remotely in the mood or condition to be doing anything sexual.

I didn't want to wake Master up by trying to climb back in bed. Instead I laid down on the couch, put the blindfold on so the light coming in between the blinds wouldn't murder my eyes and went back to sleep. So after being up for a total of 30 minutes I was asleep again. I slept until 9:30 am and I only woke up because I heard Master getting out of bed.

As the day went on my head stopped hurting so much, I wasn't as pale and I was no longer running a slight fever. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that. Thanks to my head causing me so much pain and my stomach taking sides with the mutiny my brain started I was running a slight fever. Bastards.

Around 4pm I finally started to feel normal. And now of course I'm not tired. I wonder why. In a total of 15 hours I was only awake for... let's round it up to an hour. So I slept for pretty much 14 hours straight. That's some bullshit.

It's back to work for me tomorrow. I know I won't be able to go to bed on time but that's okay. I don't really want to sleep. Sleeping that long kind of freaks me out. Why? I'm not sure. But it does.

Wedding Ring

I got up before Master this morning and it's a while before the alarm goes off. I was trying to figure out something quiet to do while He sleeps. I still have to do dishes today but that would make quite a bit of noise since it involves some pots and pans. So for some reason I went through our wedding pictures. I know it's been four years since we've gotten married, but I love looking at those pictures. That day will always be very important to me, as I know it will always be very important to my Husband. Well, after I was done looking at our wedding pictures I decided to take a peek at our honeymoon pictures as well. I haven't looked at those in quite some time.

I would say that 95% of those pictures are of me either naked or in lingerie. But whenever my left hand is in the picture I see my wedding ring and I remember how it fascinated me. It was only the 2nd day it had been on my hand. And I remember how I couldn't stop looking at it, I couldn't stop spinning it around my finger. I knew from the moment that He put the ring on my finger at 3:30pm the day before that it would never be off my hand. Now while I may taken it off my finger in order to do dishes so it won't go down the drain, that is the longest it has been off my finger in the entire time of our marriage. As soon as they are done it goes right back on. There have been a few times that when I'm done with the dishes Master will pick up my wedding ring and smile as He puts it back on me. I would be frantic if I ever lost it. While I know we could buy me a new one, it would upset me in a way that I couldn't put into words.

Back to the honeymoon.. Master did some very creative photos over the course of those three days of our honeymoon. I remember how beautiful I felt, how we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I remember how we would swim in the in-suite pool and cuddle on the bed while talking. I remember it all as if it were yesterday rather than four years ago. I don't think that will ever change, regardless of how many years pass.

I would like to put up some of my favorite pictures from our honeymoon. I'm sure I've done this in the past and there may be some "repeats" but I don't feel like digging through old posts. And who cares if they are repeats? They are wonderful pictures and take me back to one of the happiest times in our lives.

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They are beautiful photos if I do say so myself.

After four years of marriage my wedding ring has marked my finger. I'm not sure how else to describe it. In the rare occasions that it is off my finger the area where it sits is shiny and not as thick as the rest of my finger. This makes me smile. That may sound odd, but it does. It is a "mark" that I can see even when my ring is off.

My wedding ring may not be extremely detailed. It has no precious stones on it, but I love it. It is just the way I want it and I cherish it as I should. I like that it is simple. It is titanium with two grooves on it. Master's is the same. The significance of that, and honestly the main reason we picked out these particular rings, is that we got married on our fourth anniversary of being together. Two grooves on mine, two on His. On the inside of both of our rings it has the word "Mates" and our wedding anniversary engraved.

I do not have an engagement ring. I purposed to Him. He does however, in a way, have an engagement ring. Shortly after I purposed to Him I gave Him a ring that fits on His pinky. It has a Thunderbird (not the car) on each side and turquoise stones on top. He wears it on His left hand right next to our wedding ring. He loves that ring and I love seeing it on Him.

I could not imagine not being married to Him. I love Master so much and I am bound to Him in so many ways. I am His.

Love & Marriage

I'm sure I've said it before and I'll say it again, Master and I are surrounded by fucked up relationships. His mother is a good example. She's on her fourth marriage and it's as fucked up as the last one. My mother's isn't as much fucked up as it is odd. My father has a girlfriend but they are not married. My father never plans on getting married again. Apparently my mother scared him off from the idea. I personally just think he now has commitment issues.

Two of our friends are engaged. Not to each other. Their relationships are also fucked up. Regardless of which set you are talking about the woman has the guy under her thumb, but not in a D/s sort of way. Just in an overbearing bitch kind of way.

And then there is us. We're fucked up, but in a different way. We're fucked up in a way that makes sense to us. We have our problems of course. But they don't harm our marriage. Unlike every other example we have in this life, we become stronger and stronger. In eight years we have been through a lot together and no matter what, or what causes it, we come out of it more committed to each other than before. At the time we didn't think such was possible, but apparently it is. Our foundation and our love just becomes more firmly cemented whenever life or situations toss us into the fire.

I am thankful for that. And as much as I am dependent on Him and would be lost without him, I know that regardless of our dynamic He would be just as lost without me. That may not sound very "Masterly" but it's true.

New Friend

I have recently made a new friend. Well, technically two friends. They are a married couple who I know through my job. I started off only knowing the wife cause I sat next to her for quite some time and she had talked about getting together outside of work. So finally we decided to do so. So the four of us had gone out not that long ago.

Since then though I've mainly been talking to the husband part of that couple. I think they need "names" for here. So the husband will be MV and the wife will be BV.

BV and I have no common ground besides work. Our likes and interests are polar opposites. Our personalities are vastly different as well. She is more timid and shy where as I'm a bit more in your face and loud. And I really don't want to just sit around and talk about work all the time. That would suck.

MV and I on the other hand have similar interest as far as movies and techy stuff goes. We also have similar senses of humor. This also means that Master and him will get along a lot more smoothly than Master and BV ever would.

Plus I've always been more at ease with male friends rather than female. I was and still am to a degree, a tomboy.

It's weird that I've made a new friend though. Since I moved up here the only friends I've had are Master's friends. I'm not complaining at all. I don't go out of my way to make friends. And about the only place I'd meet new friends is at work. All of my coworkers, until recently obviously, are not people I'd wanna hang with.

But Master and I have made plans to have MV over this Saturday. Just him. He wants to get away from his wife for a while, which is fine. I actually think things would be a bit more awkward if she was here. MV and BV are completely different people and also basically have no common ground, so I don't really understand how that works. I've been in relationships like that in the past and gods did that suck.

So hopefully everyone will have a good time on Saturday.

New Tricks

I'm not saying that I'm getting old or anything like that. But I suddenly have the urge to learn something new. What? I have no fucking idea. Which is probably why it's driving me nuts.

I have no idea why this urge him me or why it chose a Wednesday to do so, but I was sitting at my desk at work and I was bored out of my mind. So I was just letting my mind wander when I thought to myself, "I want to learn something new. But what should I learn?"

So I started going through things in my mind.

Master and I have talked about learning archery in the past. But I have no idea where to get lessons and the equipment is fucking expensive. So that gets put on the back burner for now. I kind of wouldn't mind learning kick boxing. I don't even know if I could do it, but it sounds pretty bad ass. And that is probably why I want to do it. Just because it sounds bad ass. I'm pretty sure classes for that is expensive too.

I don't want to just start some random hobby. I think I'm looking for something new that I will really love and want to keep doing. I mean I could sample a few different things and see what catches me, but that is a lot of time, effort and cash flow. So it's not like I can try something, decide I don't like it and then move on to the next thing. I am not one to just throw money away. Research sounds all well and good, but reading about something and doing it are two different things. It can sound really awesome on paper and then you do it and you hate it with every fiber of your being. (Kind of like some of the college courses I took.)

The only free shit I can think of that would be considered a hobby that I could try is stuff my friends are doing. That way I could try it out and decide if I like it. If I don't, no money is lost. If I do, then I can go from there.

But our friends don't do very much. BC doesn't really have a hobby (unless you consider watching porn a hobby). He just volunteers a lot at this club he lives by. It's very boring.

SS doesn't have any hobbies at all. None.

Our other friends we either don't talk to anymore or they live far away.

My new work friends only have one hobby. Well, the husband of the work couple have a hobby. Guns. Apparently he's a gun nut. Not like a crazy gun nut. He just really loves guns.

I owned a gun at one point. I had bought it for self defense at the time because Master and I weren't living together and I had some creep repeatedly hanging around outside my bedroom window that the cops never got their hands on. Bastard. But once I moved in with Master the gun was no longer needed for self defense, so I sold it. I never even fired it.

I've never been to a shooting range or anything like that. That may sound stupid since I had bought a gun for self defense but it was very last minute and I didn't have it for long.

So yeah, I've never even shot a gun. Not once. Master has and He said it can be fun. He's talked about us going out to a shooting range before but we've just never gone. Either we forgot it for a while, or when we did remember we didn't have the cash flow or had thought of something better to do.

So yeah. I don't know. Just a random thought that went through my head earlier today and is now stuck there.

Raise

My review at my job is coming up soon. My anniversary at my job was two months ago. I spoke to my supervisor and he told me that my review would be coming up shortly.

I've been talking with some people at work and with Master and it seems that they all think that if my raise isn't what it should be, that I could attempt to bargain for more. I'm a damn good worker, when I run out of work I ask for me, etc and so on.

I've mainly done retail work until about three years ago. That's when I started doing office work. In retail whatever your raise is, that's what you get. There is no bargaining.

But apparently since I've been taking initiative and have been doing a really good job, my two work friends and Master all think that I could bargain for more. The worst thing that could happen is they say no. So it's worth a shot right?

But I'm nervous about it. I've never attempted to ask for more money from any job I've worked at. I've always just nodded my head when they tell me what I'm getting as a raise or what my starting pay will be. It's just how it's always gone. So I'm not really sure how to go about it. Since I'm unsure about how to bring that subject up, I'm nervous about it. It doesn't help that I don't know exactly when my review will be. Normally I don't get advance warning. I normally get an e-mail saying, "Your review will be at this time today. See you there!"

I know I'll be getting a good review, so it's not about that. It's just the raise thing that is making me nervous about it.

Anyone have experience or input on this?

Lock & Key

One thing that happens when something deeply effects me is that I really focus on Master, our marriage and our dynamic. It helps center me. It gives me something to focus on.

Well today, I was idly playing with my collar and then I found myself running my fingers along my cuff. For some reason later on I went online and went to the Eternity Collars website. I have my collar and my left wrist cuff from them. They are from the "Original" line, because I personally feel (as does Master obviously) that they are the best looking line they have. Don't get me wrong, the others are really nice as well. But the Original is our favorite.

However I still felt like browsing. I really want the anklet as well. My collar and cuff have never come off. Well, except in my fits of "I want this life style... No I don't... Yes I do!". Those were not fun. But since I've become more stabilized mood wise on my medication, I have not had that problem.

Now with the anklet it may have to be taken off at some point as some of my shoes/boots would not fit over it. But still, I really would like one even though it would suck to have it taken off depending on what shoes I'm wearing. Plus I'm sure getting thigh highs on would be a bitch and a half. Master prefers my symbols of His ownership of me to stay on at all times. And so they do. But who knows, maybe Master would like the idea and it may not be as impractical as I think. It would fit in my regular boots, my high heeled boots, it would sit above my sneakers and above my sandals. So that just leaves the thigh high boots which I honestly don't wear that often. I don't wear them that often simply because they get incredibly warm and they kill my feet. As far as stockings go, I could slip them under and through, like I do with my gloves that go to my elbow. And the ones I wouldn't be able to slip under, such as ones that are permanently attached to the rest of the outfit, I would just slip those over the anklet.

Don't you love how I start off saying how it might not work and then immediately start convincing myself that it totally would?

But while I was on the website I saw something that caught my eye other than the anklet. It's called the "Master Key". Now as I already said my collar and cuff are never taken off (minus those fits which I pray I never have again) and we still have the original "keys" that came with the collar and cuff. But the thought of Master having a "key" to both of them on His key chain just sounds so.... right. Not that I would be worried about Him using it to take them off or anything like that, but just knowing that no matter where we are as long as He has His keys with Him, which He always does, He could if He wanted to.

Plus that old saying of "You have the key to my heart" kind of plays into it. It may not be my heart, but to me it means about the same thing.