Dependent

There are times where I sometimes don't realize exactly how dependent on Master I really am. It's just a part of who I am now. It's as if that has always been there, regardless of the fact that there was actually a time where I didn't know Him.

Why do I say this? Independence apparently scares the ever living hell out of me. You may be wondering what the hell I'm talking about and when I explain it I'm sure someone, somewhere, will find it stupid. But I'm okay with that.

Not that long ago I made friends with two of my coworkers. BV and MV. They are quite literally the first friends I've made since I moved up here 6 years ago.

When I moved up here to live with Master I stopped talking with all of my old friends. It wasn't Master though, it was just a lot of bullshit that I didn't need and/or want anymore. So moving out of my home town just felt like it was the perfect time for a new beginning friend wise.

But with Master came a built in circle of friends. Most of them accepted me. The cast has changed every now and then, but there is always that one common factor... I would not be friends with them if I wasn't with Master. They are Master's friends. Then comes along MV and BV. We hang out we have a good time and what not. But then it just hit me like a ton of bricks, they are my friends. Not Master's. They aren't from Master's circle.

I started to feel uneasy. I find myself not wanting to talk to them as often. I work with them, so obviously I'll have to interact with them. But I'm not too sure how often I'll want to hang out with them outside of work. I mean here and there, yeah sure. But for a while we were all talking like it was going to be an every other weekend thing. If they were Master's friends then I wouldn't have a problem with it. (Depending on the friend that is...) But not only that, I also wouldn't have much say. If Master wanted one of His friends to come over every other weekend I would just have to accept it. I may not like it, but I would have no choice in the matter.

So I made these friends on my own.. Master more or less tolerates them. He seems to have a good time with them, but I think after a while it will get really stale. We are on opposite ends of what we find interesting or entertaining from them. Not a big deal, but after a while we're going to run out of shit to do and talk about.

Don't you love how I'm slowly but surely talking myself out of hanging out with these people? Now, some people may think it'd be really bitchy of me to just drop them like a bad habit. They haven't done anything wrong after all. And I wasn't planning on just cutting off contact. I was planning on slowly backing out of it.

I just... I don't know how to explain it but it doesn't feel right that I made friends on my own. It feels uncomfortable and I don't like it at all. It's nothing MV or BV did, it's just how I'm reacting to the situation itself. They are not Master's circle of friends which means that they are not Master's choice. That knowledge alone bothers me.

I'm not sure if I'm even making any sense in this post. I'm sure I sound brain washed. But that's okay. Master has molded me for the past eight years. I'm bound to be at least partially brain washed by now.