Paracord

Today we finally got those paracord bracelets I won a little while ago. I ended up not having to e-mail them about it because they sent me a message saying that they apologized about the delay but they hadn't been able to send them out them due to personal reasons coming up but they would be in the mail the next day. I understood. I was excited when I checked the mail today and they were in there.

I quickly opened the package and was very happy! The only down side is that they got the color order reversed. Master's was black and gray and mine was black and purple. It was supposed to be the other way around but hey.. they were free and they are awesome. Master wasn't disappointed at all and neither was I. Good thing I don't like the color pink and had ordered that color. *laughs*

If I had actually ordered and paid for them I would have been a tad upset and said something to them. But I didn't. These were 100% free. I didn't even have to pay shipping. So I just sent them a quick message thanking them. Like I said, they are absolutely awesome and we both love them and we both pretty much love the same colors.

I'm actually really happy that I entered the contest because now we both want more of them. *smiles* I know they are supposed to be survival gear and all that, but I think they look awesome and so does Master. And since there is absolutely no metal in/on them I can wear them without having to worry about it. The clasp is durable plastic.

They make some with charms on them too, and the way they weave the charm into them the metal wouldn't even get close to touching my skin so I can even order those!

This may sound stupid but because of my metal allergy and how sensitive it actually is I have never really been able to wear a lot of jewelery and have always been a little jealous of people that could just switch it out whenever they wanted to. I've always had to pick one piece of jewelery and stick with it because I knew my skin won't react to it. It was even more difficult due to the fact that I hate gold.

But with these paracord bracelets I could buy quite a few and just switch out to another one depending on which one I wanted to wear that day.

I've never been the type of girl who was into a lot of jewelry. But when I find something I really like I enjoy having different ones so I can switch them out. And these paracord bracelets fit that perfectly. They aren't typical jewelry you'd see a woman wear, so it's right up my alley.

I look forward to buying more once we can afford it.

Hands On

Master and I fucked last night and it was amazing. I've always been one of those women that absolutely love the whole hands on approach. Pin me down, toss me like a rag doll, force me not to move... *purrs* I enjoy the mental aspect as well but last night is a good example of what I love about the hands on approach. At one point Master had me get on all fours and once He was inside of me He put one of His hands on my hip and His other hand on my neck. He had grabbed my neck in such a way that He had a grip on the front and back of my neck at the same time, while the palm of His hand cupped the side of my neck. His hands are huge and my neck... well... not so much. That's yet another reason why I absolutely love our size difference. He's 6ft4 and I'm 5ft1. I'm petite and He's a walking brick wall.

Today that moment of Him grabbing my neck continued to play on loop in my head. And one thing that it made me wonder is how long it's been since I've had my collar on. Oh how I miss it. So I just did a search on my blog and holy shit! The last day I had it on was January 3rd, 2012. I honestly didn't think it had been that long. Maybe because I can still remember how it felt on my neck. I still remember hooking my fingers under it when I was upset or just absently touching it for no reason what so ever.

I know I don't need it and that I'll never have another one again. The kind of metal I would need to guarantee that I wouldn't have an allergic reaction would be titanium and that is just too expensive. Especially since who knows if my next job will "allow" me to wear it. And I still have my cuff on. Thankfully I don't think any job will make it so I can't wear it. *shrugs*

Plus, now He has more access to my neck. *grins*

And on a completely unrelated topic...

Have you ever looked at your significant other and thought to yourself how physically attracted you are to them? I mean obviously I'm physically attracted to Him. Very much so. I always have been. But there are these moments that happen when I just look over at Him while we're talking and I think, "Holy hell He's hot."

That may sound odd since we've been together for a little over 11 years now. But the other day we were sitting outside on the patio and He had His feet kicked up on the table out there, leaning back in His chair. He had His shades on and His shoulder length hair was still somewhat wet from His shower. It was all brushed back and He was looking slightly off to the side while we were talking. And I just thought to myself how sexy He is.

Like I said I'm always physically attracted to Him but there are these moments that happen and it just smacks me in the face for a split second. I had another one a while back while we were in the car and He was driving. I looked at Him and He was driving with one arm, moving His head to the music. *sigh*

Ramblings

It seems like I'm doing a post for absolutely no reason at all more and more lately. Hell yesterday I did two, technically.

Anyway, my brother came up to visit today and we did end up going to see Godzilla. It was slow moving honestly. And there was hardly any screen time for the Big G, unfortunately. I mean I didn't hate the movie or anything. But I was disappointed. From all of the hype, it was not what I was expecting at all. I'm not saying I regret going. After all, if nothing else, I got to go out and have some fun with my Husband and my brother. My brother stayed long enough to have dinner afterward, which was cool. He had to go home shortly there after because he has to work in the morning, which I totally understood.

In regards to my mother's husband, he is back at home. They are pretty sure it was a really bad case of heat stroke. They are sure that it wasn't a heart attack or a stroke but they still want him to go to a cardiologist. That is basically because he hasn't been taking his blood pressure medication the way he was supposed to for over a year. He had a stress test and all that and did okay. But they just want to know what's going on so he'll be going to a few doctor appointments in a rather short period of time. He's not too happy about but my mom basically told him tough shit. She called me at 8:30pm and asked me what I thought she should do in regards to him working on Thursday. The doctor told her that he shouldn't be left alone for the next 48 hours and that he should take it as easy as possible. His job isn't really physical at all but I told Mom that if I were her I would make him stay home. After all she has all of the ER and discharge paperwork so if his job really wants to be a dick about it she has something to prove that this happened. He may not like it but sometimes ya just have to put your foot down. And I'm not saying that simply because she is in a "vanilla" relationship. I have pulled shit like that on Master in the past when He's been really ill. The dynamic goes out the window when it comes to His health.

I also discovered that the Contact Kitten page wasn't working. Apparently when I had to redo the code on the blog I forgot to put that particular string of code back in. *sigh*I fixed that and thankfully it was easy to do. I hate it when I miss something like that. So, if anyone has tried sending me a message I'm sorry but I didn't get it. But it's fixed now!

We haven't received those paracord bracelets I had won last week yet. I won them last Tuesday and they said they would be in the mail the next day. So it's officially been one week since they said they would be mailed. I know that there was no mail on Monday due to the holiday so I'm hoping they'll be here tomorrow. I know they were free, but still.. I figure if they aren't here by Thursday I'll message the place to bring it to their attention. I was hoping they would have been here by now, but hey.. shit happens and like I said they were free so I can't really bitch too much. I was flipping through their website and Master found one that He really wants. It wasn't eligible to pick from when I won them so I figure we'll order that one for Him after I get a job. And then I'm going to buy myself a Furrybone figurine. Obviously neither of those things will happen until I have some time under my belt at the new job.

Master had commented on how I've been cranky and somewhat pissy most of the night. He told me that He understands that I'm on the rag but still...

So I thought it would be best to hop online while He's playing His video game and blast some music into my ear buds while I'm typing this out. I'm not sure why I'm pissy. I'm sore but that's pretty much it. There isn't anything going on. I'm not mad at anyone. I'm not pissed off about anything in particular. So I figure it's probably a mix of hormones and being sore. *shrugs* It's no excuse of course, but that's why I'm blasting some music. That normally helps when there is really no rhyme or reason to it. I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that I'm bipolar. It's not one of those "I'm going to rip someone's head off" type pissed off for no reason moments.

I do have to say that the music is helping and I actually feeling a lot calmer right now. I don't know what it is but sometimes that's all I really need.

Can't Sleep

I think taking that two hour nap was a bad idea. Now I can't fucking sleep. Master and I went to bed at 3:30am and He told me that if I couldn't sleep I could go online for a while. Well, I stayed in bed for a little over a hour and finally decided that I wasn't going to fall asleep anytime soon so I might as well go online for a bit so Master can get some rest. There is no need to keep Him up by my tossing and turning. I had taken the two hour nap because I wasn't feeling well. It helped and I'm feeling much better now, however I can't sleep. It is currently a little after 5am and nope. I'm yawning but I'm unable to crash just yet. This sucks. I don't want to be tired all day or end up taking another long nap and then not be able to sleep tomorrow night. *sigh*

My mother had called me earlier today. She was crying as soon as I answered the phone. My immediate thought was that Grandpa had passed away. But that wasn't the case. Mom's husband was being rushed to the hospital.

Apparently he was taking a shower and suddenly Mom heard some banging coming from the bathroom. She rushed in and her husband was laying in the tub. All the banging came from him falling in the tub and knocking all of the shampoo bottles and body wash bottles that were in there. He had passed out. So Mom quickly turned off the water and tried to wake him up. He remained passed out so she rushed and called 911. While she was on the phone her husband woke up and asked who she was on the phone with, as if nothing had happened.

She explained that he had fallen in the tub and had passed out. He said he didn't need to go to the hospital and Mom basically told him that yes he did and he was going whether he liked it or not.

Once the ambulance showed up and he was on his way out to the hospital Mom called me to let me know what was going on and that she was getting in the car to go to the hospital. She had called me first because she may want me to come down since she didn't know how long she would be there with him. I asked if she just wanted me to head down right then and there. She said no and that she would  give me updates later.

A couple of hours later she called me again. They weren't sure what had happened. They said that he may have had a small heart attack or a mild stroke. They were going to run a bunch of tests and admitted him to the hospital. She told me that she may need me to come down and stay the night at her house to hold the fort down and take care of the animals because she may stay at the hospital over night. I told her that wasn't a problem at all and to just let me know one way or the other. I tried to keep her as calm as possible.

She got off the phone with me and I waited for the phone to ring again. A another couple of hours go by and she said that she was at home. The doctors had told her that it would probably be best if she didn't stay the night but that it was up to her. Eventually she decided that she wouldn't stay the night at the hospital for two reasons. First, because the doctors had advised against it and second because they were only going to give her a recliner to sleep in rather than a bed. Well, my mom can't sleep like that as she has a lot of back and joint pain. She has fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis.

Regardless of the fact that she was going to be home all night I again asked if she wanted me to come down and spend the night, figuring she may like the company. But she said she would rather be alone. I understood and told her to just call if she needed anything.

I haven't heard from her since then. She said she would give me an update in the morning at some point. I hope that he gets to go home soon. I'm thinking that once all the tests are ran they will most likely discharge him since he has really sucky insurance and as a result they won't keep him any longer than they have to. I think the only reason they kept him overnight is because he has a family history that involves both heart attacks and strokes.

I feel really bad for my mom. I can't imagine what she is going through right now.

The only thing is that my brother is coming up tomorrow and we are supposed to go to the movies to see Godzilla. I'm hoping that we can still proceed with that and that we don't get a phone call in the middle of it. That may sound a little harsh but in my mind that also basically means that everything is okay. If anything, depending on the update I get from Mom, I'll just suggest that we take two cars to the movie theater because then I can just leave and allow Master and my brother to finish watching the movie without having to worry about a ride home. After all there isn't anything they'll be able to do.

Damn You Uterus!

This post is absolutely pointless and I'm just making it for the sake of making it. Also, it's a TMI (Too Much Info) post. You have been warned. If you are a guy, you will most likely just want to skip it entirely. It's gross female stuff.

And with that said... Here we go...

I'm on the rag right now. It started yesterday and I'm really glad I caught it when I did. Master and I were sitting outside and I was wearing very light gray fabric pants. I was literally just walking back outside onto our little patio area from grabbing a soda but when I stood up I felt wet down there. Not a lot. Just a little bit. But I wanted to play it safe as I basically didn't know what color it was going to be.

It turns out it was a good idea I checked because sure enough it was bright red. *sigh*

My period has been kind of all over the place time wise for a few months now. This time it was a week later than what would be my "normal" schedule. And the odd thing about it is that two days ago I had actually been complaining to my mother about how much my period is pissing me off. It could be at any point in a two to three week time frame after the last one ended. I also told her that it hasn't been making sense in so far as how long it lasts.

Since I first started having my period at ten or eleven years old (I can't remember which at this exact moment) it has been three days. Well, technically four days. But the first day was just super, super light. Basically spotting. Then the following three days you would think it was a murder scene. Done. End of story.

Now? Pft.

Two months ago it lasted six fucking days. Six. It has never been that long. Ever. And it was one of those things where it went day by day during that six day time frame in regards to how heavy it was. One day would be super heavy and then the next there would be almost nothing at all and then bam! Heavy again.

Last month it lasted three days... Now I'm not really complaining about that part but it's just really weird. And even then two of the three days weren't all that bad. The third day was only very light spotting.

This is the second day for this one and my lower back is killing me. I've been tired all day and actually just woke up from a two hour nap. Damn you uterus!

Back to me complaining to my mother about it. She told me that I might be in the early stages of menopause. I looked at her like she was crazy. I'm only 31 years old. I know that she had gone into menopause super early. In fact she was 26 years old but that was because she had to have a full hysterectomy. As a result I figured that I wouldn't have to worry about it until my late 40's early 50's.

Apparently women in my family, at least on my mother's side, hit menopause earlier than most women.

I looked online for the signs of premature menopause and the only one I am experiencing is the fact that my periods are irregular and are lighter or heavier than normal at times. Aside from that I haven't had any other symptoms. I have not skipped a period at all. Trust me if I had I would have freaked right the hell out. I had my tubes fried about nine years ago and I know that tubal pregnancy is a highly unlikely scenario but is still possible. So if I were to miss my period that is honestly the first thing I would think and would be rushing to a doctor. Also, this has only been going on for two months. This one isn't over yet so I don't know if that is following the "pattern" of the past two.

Also, my mother is a hypochondriac to a degree. So I am kind of taking it with a grain of salt. Don't get me wrong I'll keep an eye on it but since I am not experiencing anything outside of somewhat irregular periods I'm not really worried, it's just annoying as hell.

Highly Disappointed

Okay.. so I went from only being somewhat disappointed to being highly disappointed. Now, after the last blog post in regards to "Story of O" Master had told me that I need to keep in mind that this story is from 1958 and as a result things that seem rather dull and boring to me were rather exciting back then. People were shocked by a hell of a lot less than they are now.

So, the next time I picked up the book I kept that in mind. I literally just finished reading it about 15 minutes ago. I did not like the book at all. And it's not just because I wasn't "shocked" or "thrilled" by it. I don't think I've ever been shocked by a book. Thrilled? Yes.

As I continued to read the book I realized that the whole thing about Stephen King writing forever and a day about the wallpaper came to mind because the surroundings of the room were more and more lengthy as the book went on. I do not give a flying fuck what color the wood holding the mirror was. I don't. I really don't. Not one tiny bit. And yet, there you are describing the hell out of it. Does it add to the story? No. So what the hell are you taking such time to detail that shit rather than leaving it to the reader's imagination and moving on with the more juicy and/or important details? Ugh!

*HUGE Spoiler Alert*

And what really pissed me off about it is I got to the end of the book and O had just gotten done being put on display at a party and then taken out to be fucked by two guys repeatedly. At first I thought, "Well that was a weak ending."

Then I turn the page and it says... And I quote:

"In a final chapter, which has been suppressed, O returned to Roissy, where she was abandoned by Sir Stephen.

There exists a second ending to the story of O, according to which O, seeing that Sir Stephen was about to leave her, said she would prefer to die. Sir Stephen gave her his consent."

Are you fucking kidding me?! It's a short enough story to begin with. (199 pages) and then the entire final chapter isn't even there? What the hell?! And an alternate ending? Um... with a book it has one ending. That's it. End of story. Literally.

This isn't like it's the first printing. This is the ninth printing of the book.

Why would it be suppressed in the first place? If the book was finally allowed to be published again why is that final chapter still not allowed? I honestly did look on the web and can't seem to find a solid answer. It did mention that the alternate ending was removed by the author herself. Whether that is true or not I have no idea since I can't even find out why the original ending isn't in the book.

So, final wrap up...

Rene and O's relationship is basically non-existent. Rene went and fell in love with some model friend of O. O goes to a woman's house and gets her outer labia pierced and is then branded with Sir Stephen's initials. Sir Stephen and O are now in love and she doesn't even give a fuck that Rene doesn't love her anymore even though a few chapters earlier she was worried to death that he didn't.

Then the 15 year old sister of the model that Rene is now in love with is in love with O and wants to be like her. So they make plans to send the 15 year old off to Roissy with O. They never get to that part because, like I said, they ended the story with O being used by Sir Stephen and a guy named Commander after a party where she is literally just sat down and told to position herself a certain way so people can look at her and sometimes touch her.

The fact that the ending isn't there at all pisses me off. And then realizing that the ending was going to have Sir Stephen leave O anyway makes me look back and go, "Then why the fuck did you bother branding the bitch?"

But then again, that part can be very true. Even now. How many new found relationships with a dynamic in place immediately permanently mark the submissive (whether it be by branding or a tattoo) and then in two months they hate each other? Just from reading FetLife and blogs I stumbled across on the web it seems to be pretty damn frequent.

Granted I have permanent marks from Master that show His ownership of me. One is a scar He gave me and the other two are tattoos. But they weren't put there until after we had a couple of years under our belt. Does that mean we can't leave one another? Of course not. But at least there was a good length of time from the beginning of our relationship to the times where the scar was made and the tattoos were applied.

*sigh* I've gotten a little off point here.

Basically, I just read a book that had no ending and that pisses me off. It feels like I was left hanging. And granted I wasn't really enjoying the book to begin with but I had hung in there only to be presented with a page basically telling me yes, actually, there are two endings but we aren't going to give you either. Tough shit.

Tears

Last night Master and I had been not so much flirting with one another as much as just sneaking a quick touch or grab here and there. Oh, and Him occasionally smacking me on my ass. But really, that is how we flirt. We don't really do it verbally very often. It's all physical and with general body language. Like I said, we were doing that on and off all last night.

Eventually we did go to bed. He grabbed me and pulled me to Him, brushed my hair out of the way and then chewed on my neck for a while. I reached down to stroke Him for a little while before He stopped and told me to use my mouth. At the angle I was at and the fact that my jaw was a little tight I did the absolute best I could. He seemed to enjoy it a lot.

When I stopped I asked Him how He wanted me and rather than telling me He simply tossed me like a rag doll onto my back and I immediately opened my legs. He entered me and since I was already rather wet there wasn't much resistance. Did that stop Him from being a bit rough about it? Of course not. Why would it?

He held me close and fucked me hard. It was a nice mix and blended really well to the point that I couldn't really tell where the feeling of being held close in a very loving way began and the feeling of being fucked roughly ended.

After He allowed me to cum several times He knelt up and pulled my legs up so that they were bent at the knees and were up by my shoulders while my feet were resting against His chest. He got very, very deep. He bounced me off His cock while I was in that position and I don't know what triggered it but I started crying.

It wasn't full on sobbing. A few tears ran down my face and I sniffled a little bit here and there. It wasn't from pain. But just to make sure He eased up a little bit, He didn't stop though, and asked if I was okay. I nodded my head.

He leaned down, putting my pressure on my legs, and softly kissed my face. He told me that I hadn't been "raped" roughly in a long time. It's obviously not actually my being raped since I'm consenting. Basically it's how He refers to a particular position. I lay on my stomach, He hooks His feet under my legs so that they are widely spread apart and He grabs each of my wrists to pin me to the bed. I'm not allowed to cum and I better hold as still as fucking possible.

As He was describing to me that He was going to do this to me as well as put a pillow under my hips to prop them up so He could get even deeper He was pausing long enough to kiss my face very softly. That made more tears stream down my face. Please understand that these tears are not from pain or fear. They are simply from being overwhelmed by emotions. Particularly love and my devotion to Him.

Right before He pulled out so He could reposition me He kissed my lips. Once I was in position He did everything He promised He would. I wasn't crying anymore. I was too busy trying my best not to get off. However as soon as He was done, pulled out, and laid down next to me the tears flowed again but this time I was crying to the point that I had to catch my breath. He laid His chest across my back, covering my upper body with His. He rested His head against mine until I stopped. Again He asked if I was okay.

I assured Him that I was. He knew why I had been crying since the first time He asked if I was okay. After eleven years He knows that sometimes this just happens. It comes out of no where and there is really no rhyme or reason to it.

Somewhat Disappointed

I'm about half way through the "Story of O" book. Actually it may be a little over half way through. It's not a very long book at all. I'm use to reading books with over 300 pages and this has 199 pages. As I'm looking at the book itself I think of a short story, even though it's not. Anyway... I'm still on the fence about it. The writing style still seems broken. She's in the present one moment and then out of nowhere a memory is triggered and rather than a smooth transition it's very abrupt. It takes me a minute and sometimes I have to go back a couple of sentences to make sure I didn't miss anything. That is somewhat annoying. I can get past that though. To me it's like my having to look past the description of the wallpaper in a Stephen King book.

*shakes fist* Damn you Stephen! No one gives a damn about the wallpaper. There is no need for five paragraphs worth of a description you bastard! And yet he is still one of my favorite authors. Clive Barker, Neil Gaiman, and Stephen King. *nods*

Back to the book though... *HUGE Spoiler Alert*

It's not really coming off as kinky to me. She gets her ass beat and she gets fucked. I mean yes, there are rules and regulations she has to abide by but there isn't really anything severely hard core to me. And with all of the hype about it I guess I was just expecting more. *shrugs* Maybe it's just me.

Also, parts of it are coming across like the movie "The Secretary". If you've never seen the movie you may not get the reference. But the guy O is originally with, Rene, is supposed to be her master. Right? Right. He is also the one that she is in a romantic relationship with. She seems deathly afraid of losing him or him falling out of love with her. He's the one that first put her in that, for lack of a better term, training center. So he is the one that should be in charge.

But once she is out of there she is with Rene again and there is never any mention of him whooping her butt. It's all soft caresses and "I love yous". There isn't even really rough sex mentioned. Then this Sir Stephen dude enters the picture. Some guy Rene totally looks up to and apparently wants to fuck. Rene then says that Sir Stephen is her master first and he is second. Um... what the fuck?

When I was reading about her being in the training center I was expecting it was because he wanted her that way. But nope. Apparently it was so he could prepare her for the Stephen dude. It goes on to describe how Sir Stephen is the one whooping her ass and putting her through her paces. He's the "mean" one. Meanwhile the "original master" Rene doesn't even stay to watch, he just looks at the marks later and gets off on it but is unwilling to make the marks himself. Now both the "original master" Rene, and the "actual master" Stephen are in love with her and now plan to prostitute her off to their friends.

That's about where I am now. Like I said before, I'll continue to read the book all the way through. But parts of it put me off a bit. Maybe it's because I'm thinking of it as to how I would feel in that situation.

Let's say Master sent me off to a training center of some kind... First.. I'd be like "What the fuck?" After all no one can train me the way He wants me except for Him.

Okay, so that right there is odd. Then if I were to come out of there and then Master hands me off to this other guy, who I've never met and didn't even know existed, and tells me that this new dude is supposedly first in charge and He is now second in command but will drop everything He is doing to make sure that the other guy has me when he wants me. I would be so confused it wouldn't even be funny. Hell, at that point I'd be throwing my hands up and saying, "Fuck this. I'm out."

But then again, this is fiction. And perhaps most of my problem is that fact that I'm attempting to put myself in these situations. However, I can't really help that. I do that sometimes when I'm reading a book. Not often but it does happen. This just happens to be one of the books that I can't seem to stop myself from doing that.

Has anyone else read this book? Opinions? Do you think I'm way off the mark on this one?

Quick Coding Rant *Updated*

I was searching for a couple things that I wanted to look a little better on my blog. First it was the RSS and Twitter links. The ones I had worked just fine but I didn't really care for the look of them or the placement. Thankfully I was able to correct that with a different code. Now they are in the upper right hand corner rather in the sidebar. I think it looks a lot better that way. It's not as distracting.

Then I decided that I wanted a better looking search bar. Again, I was able to find a better one. The new one isn't as blocky but still stays with the color theme. (It must match!) Those two were very simple. A couple of tiny tweaks. The search box was just changing a widget. There wasn't any need to go into the HTML/CSS. Rock on.

With the RSS and Twitter links I did have to mess with the HTML/CSS but it was super fucking easy.

After that I noticed something. The numbered page navigation that I have at the bottom of the blog is only going to page 72. Guess what? I have a lot more posts than that. For instance.... if you click on page 72 it only goes so far as August 9th of 2012. The first post in my archive goes to January 1st of 2009. That's a very, very big difference.

So I went back to the page I got the coding from to try and see if I had done something wrong. Nope it all fucking matches. As a result I decided to browse the web and see if I could find one that would actually work properly. Well, I think I found one but I need to remove the old one first. And since that coding is literally all over the place it would be a lot of little code removal and apparently not all of the coding matches anymore. I don't know if it's because the navigation was customized when I saved it somehow... Or if the code on the website I got it from was changed after I had grabbed it from there.

Fuck! Now I don't know which parts I need to remove in order to put the new one in. I read over the comments on the website I got the code from and apparently I'm not the only one having a problem. I tossed a comment on there as well and hopefully the person who created the code will be able to assist me in correcting the problem.

Either that or I'll drive myself absolutely bat shit crazy by trying to correct it myself. I know it's not a huge deal since I still have the archive in the sidebar but at the same time it irks me because I worked hard on this blog and for something to snag that up annoys the hell out of me. I'm not saying it's the code makers fault. For all I know I screwed a piece of it up so that it will only go back so far. Or maybe my template doesn't allow it to go back that far without further tweaking. All I do know is that I want it to be correct.

**Update**

Ha! I got it fixed! I basically had to completely start from scratch and reenter every single piece of code except for the page navigation one. It was a lot of work but in the long wrong it was easier than trying to find the pieces of code that I didn't want and deleting them while risking deleting other important pieces of code.

Rather than attempting to use the old code again to make sure I didn't screw it up I decided to look for something else. And I found it! What kind of ticks me off is the one that I found doesn't need me to mess with the CSS at all. It just needed me to create a new widget and enter it in there. Yeah, I had to tweak it a little since it was actually hiding the dates for each post but I got it working! And ya know what? There are 255 pages on this blog. I made sure it went all the way back. So 255 pages versus 72.. yeah... huge difference. I'm happy now. I did a little happy dance in my chair. Oh, and it still sticks with my color scheme so there.

Good News & Bad News

Let's get the bad news out of the way first. I had an interview last week and I had thought it went well. This past Tuesday was a full week after having the interview. As a result I sent a very professional yet friendly e-mail inquiring as to whether or not there was still an interest in me for the position. I haven't received a response yet. Even if I am not being considered any longer it would have been nice of them to at least respond to the e-mail. I may be wrong and they are still interested but haven't yet made a full decision. *shrugs* Either way a response would have been appreciated. Yes, it's only Thursday but waiting two days, to me, is rude to not respond even if it is just saying that they are still in the decision process. Hell even a "Thanks but no thanks" would have been nice. Oh well. I haven't completely given up on it. They may surprise me but at the same time I'm thinking to myself that I won't be getting the job due to the fact that they haven't responded at all.

Now on to the good news!

I had applied for a 911 telecommuter position that was listed in my home town back in the middle of March. I know it is a very long and drawn out process and I can totally understand why. I mean this is some serious shit.

I had been selected to move forward with the process and as a result had taken a data entry test three weeks ago. At the beginning of the following week I was told that I had passed and again was selected to move forward. I was then advised that they would be sending me an e-mail within the next two weeks providing me details about the next step.

I got that e-mail today! It is basically a mock call center test. I had worked in a call center before and while it was nowhere near this kind of work I think that experience will help me, at least a little bit. The e-mail provided me with a link to schedule the next test. Master told me to just select the earliest date and time possible. So I did. The test is on Thursday, June 5th. Apparently the test will take about two and a half hours.

The e-mail also stated that I need to print off the e-mail itself as well as the two attachments. One of the attachments I actually need to study. There are rules that I have to memorize that will assist me with the test itself. The other attachment is something for me to study and quiz myself on the possible scenarios. Master said He will help me study. *smiles*

We don't have a printer so I called up my mother and asked if I could come down to her place and print everything off there. She said that wouldn't be a problem at all. I'll be going down there this Saturday. That actually works out perfectly because that is also my youngest nephew's birthday. Two birds with one stone and all that.

I'm very excited about the upcoming test and actually studying for the test. I know that may sound dumb... Being excited about studying. *laughs* But it will bring me one step closer to the possibility of getting the job. While the hours would absolutely suck and it would be a highly stressful job, it will also pay well and it would be a more solid job rather than working for a normal company since I would be working for the county itself.

I'm hoping that after this, if I pass, the process will speed up a little. The sooner I can get a job the better. I'll still be applying to jobs in the mean time, obviously. But that doesn't mean I can't hope I get this one.

Prizes!

This is an absolutely pointless post. Feel free to skip it entirely. In fact there is really no need for me to do this post at all, but I'm going to anyway. Mainly because I'm bored right now and have absolutely nothing better to do.

There was a contest going on that involved simply answering a riddle and you won a prize. I figured hey, why not. The prize was two paracord bracelets. Never mind there is no way in hell I'll ever use them for what they are actually made for. It's technically supposed to be a survival tool. Is that what I would use them for? Nope. I would just be wearing it for the sake of wearing it and because I think they looks cool. Master thinks they are pretty cool too.

Anyway the riddle was:

"What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?"

The answer was: "Seatbelts" 

I just so happened to be the first person to answer it correctly! Yay! 

I was contacted by the person who ran the contest and apparently the bracelets didn't have to be the same size or the same color! Since they didn't have to be the same I wanted one for myself and one for Master too. I asked for a black and gray one for myself and a black and purple one for Master. Purple is Master's favorite color. I picked gray simply because I like how it looked in the picture. I almost requested a black and red one but I decided the gray looked better. I gave them the information they asked for and they told me it would be in the mail by tomorrow morning (meaning today).

I have no idea how long they will take to get here but I'm excited! Yes, I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous. Hell, they aren't expensive at all and they are just plain paracord bracelets. It's not like they come with any kind of charms on them or anything. But I don't care! They look fucking awesome. 

I'm also excited because I never win anything. There have been plenty of contests I've entered before but I never won any of them. (Hence why I do not play the lottery. I also think playing the lottery is rather pointless.) Since I actually won something for a change I was overly excited. *laughs* Master was making fun of me for it all last night. Oh well. I hope they get here soon. I'm also hoping they fit since I just kind of guessed at the sizes. (Small for myself and large for Master.) We shall see.

Something New to Read

The other day when we went to visit Grandpa we had followed my dad out to Grandpa's house, like I had mentioned. While we were out there I had asked if I could dig through the book collection that Grandpa had held onto that Grandma owned. She had a lot of books. She had a major in English and was a school teacher so she loved to read, and had instilled that in me from a very young age.

I didn't ask to do so in such a way that it meant I wanted to start taking things I wanted out of Grandpa's house already. It was simply because I'm currently unemployed and needed something new to read. I can't afford to buy anything new. I didn't figure anyone would care if I took a couple of books. It's not like they are worth anything. My dad and uncle said that would be fine. So off I went to a side bedroom that had been converted into a sewing room. That's where all the toys my brother and I use to play with and Grandma's book collection are.

It took me a little while. It's a pretty big collection and some of the older books didn't have the title on the spine so I had to pull them out to see what it was. I actually took so long that my dad came back there to check on me. It's not like he thought I was trying to take anything I wasn't supposed to. He just was worried I was having a hard time getting to some of them.

Anyway, there I am digging through them. I found a book on North American birds that I thought Master would love. He already had a similar book at home but this one was huge so I thought He would like to flip through it. I selected a couple of other books and then I came across one that made me look twice.

I couldn't believe it was there... I had never read it before but I knew exactly what it was about. It's "Story of O".

I sat there looking at the cover for a few minutes just kind of in disbelief. I mean... come on now... this is my grandmother we're talking about. Yes, I know she was an adult woman and all that but I don't think anyone really expects to see a book like that in a collection of books their grandma had.

Did that stop me from taking it? Nope. After all, I had heard so much about it and I had honestly wanted to read it but never really wanted to spend money on it since I had read mixed reviews on it.

One of the reviews in the book before the story actually begins said that the author, Pauline Réage, is a more dangerous writer than Marquis de Sade. Somehow I doubt that. I mean I've only read snippets of his work but... damn... I mean he was arrested for his writings for fucks sake. His family had to intervene to get him out of jail and into an insane asylum where he was refused pen and paper. (Note to self:  Find Marquis de Sade books.) From what I know of Pauline Réage some writings were banned but she never took it to the edge that Marquis de Sade did.

Anyway...

I started reading "Story of O" last night and I'm not a full chapter in yet, because my eyes were starting to bother me, but so far I'm not entirely sure what I think of it. I understand that it was translated from French to English and so I'm sure some things didn't translate well. I may just not be used to the writing style yet. I'm going to read it all the way through though, regardless. I just want to see what happens and how it ends just so I can basically form a full opinion of the book.

Visit

My dad had called I think it was on Friday. Either way, he called asking if Master and I could come down on Sunday (today) to help him rearrange one of the spare bedrooms in his house. Of course we said it would be no problem. He then mentioned that he was going to visit Grandpa around 1pm. I asked if we could tag along since we'd be coming down anyway, might as well go down a little sooner and tag along on the visit.

He said that would be fine. So today we headed out of here and met my dad and his place. I brought him a couple of brownies because I had just baked a pan of them yesterday and I figured he would like some. He seemed to really appreciate that. We relaxed at his place for a little while before heading over to where Grandpa is.

I hadn't seen Grandpa in I'd say about two weeks? Maybe 2 1/2 weeks. Master hadn't seen him at all since he was put in the rehabilitation center.

When we first got there Grandpa was sitting in a wheelchair with it pushed up right against the door jam and was talking to Grandma (who passed away 20 years ago). My dad gently interrupted the "conversation" and asked if it would be okay if we visited him for a little while.

We stayed for about a hour. Grandpa wasn't really lucid for most of it. He would mumble and then kind of softly laugh. He would engage in conversation with us for a few minutes here and there. The rest of the time we just tried to keep with what he was saying, which was more difficult at times than others.

He has lost more weight. He still is refusing lunch and dinner. He readily admits it. He said that they just tried to bring him lunch before we showed up and he just pushed it right back to the nurse.

When it was time for us to leave Grandpa tried to stand up and walk us out. We had to very, very gently tell him it was okay and we would just see oursevles out. We told him to just sit and relax. We didn't want him to get upset by us telling him he isn't "allowed" to get out of his chair by himself. I gave him a soft hug and we headed out.

After that we went back to my dad's for a while. I think the visit took more out of him than he thought it would because he then decided that he didn't want to rearrange anything today. That was fine. It took a little more out of me than I thought it would too. It hurts seeing that he is just getting worse and worse at an alarming rate.

I didn't cry or anything along those lines. I don't think I'll cry again until he actually passes away. And I think a good reason for that is because I am trying to prepare myself for that as much as possible. As a result, knowing that he is still breathing is basically enough to keep me from crying.

Dad asked if we wanted to come out to Grandpa's house to visit with my uncle for a while. He's staying out there in order to take care of Grandpa's dog as he can't take the dog to his apartment. We weren't really planning on it but we said sure thing. We followed him out there and stayed for a couple of hours.

Once we got home we had dinner and I pretty much crashed for a hour. Like I said, it took more out of me than I thought. I also hadn't slept for shit last night. It sounds a little weird.. saying that visiting a family member "took more out of me". But it's true. I'm not sure how to explain the sensation.

I don't know when the next time I'll visit Grandpa will be. I know for sure now that I just can't go in there by myself. I just... can't. So as long as I can go with my dad or my mom I'll be okay. It helps. We're being our own little support system.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Last night Master ordered me to the bedroom. I got comfortable on the bed and waited for Him to join me. It was a little bit chilly when I first got in there so I'm glad I had a moment to warm up a little bit before Master got into bed with me.

As soon as He got into bed He wrapped me up in His arms, rolled on top of me, locked my legs in place by applying pressure with His and started chomping down on my neck and shoulder. He was biting a little bit harder than usual, but I greatly enjoyed it. Eventually moved down my body so He could suck, lick, and nip at my tits. He was rough and gentle at the same time, if that makes any sense. He lifted His upper body off of me and told me to use my mouth on Him. He asked if it would be easier if He sat up or laid down. He almost always asks me this because I have problems with my jaw so it all depends on how that is feeling. (Thank you very much TMJ.) I said that it would be easier if He sat up.

He knelt up on His knees but instead of just laying on my stomach and sucking His cock that way I put a pillow up against the wall so He could sit on the bed with His back against the wall. With how my jaw was feeling I felt that would be easier.

He sat down and got comfortable. I laid in between His legs and waited for Him to gather my hair up in His hands to keep it out of my face. It didn't take long for my jaw to start bothering me a bit, so I had to continuously adjust my speed and how far down the length of His cock I was going. He didn't seem to mind at all. And when it got to be a bit too much I pulled His dick completely out of my mouth and instead ran my tongue along the shaft and then running small circles with my tongue just behind the head of His cock. As soon as my jaw relaxed a little I took His cock into my mouth again.

At one point I pulled His dick out of my mouth again and asked Him what He wanted. Did He want me to continue to blow Him or did He want to fuck me? After I asked the question I went back to running my tongue all over, including licking the precum from the head as it started to ooze out.

He chuckled and said, "It's kind of hard to make a decision while you're doing that."

I smirked to myself and continued with what I was doing anyway. Eventually He asked what would be easier for me, knowing that my jaw was bothering me a bit. I basically said that I was more than willing to keep blowing Him but that I wouldn't be able to do it "forever and a day". He smiled and said, "Well why don't you keep sucking and if I don't cum before you have to stop then I'll fuck you."

Sounds like a plan!

I was pleased that I was able to get Him off with my mouth. I'm also glad that the way I had to keep adjusting the pace and depth didn't effect the pleasure He was receiving. If anything I think it heightened it for Him. That whole "keep you guessing" line of thought I guess.

We didn't stay up much longer after that. And no, I wasn't disappointed that it "only" ended up as a blowjob. Sometimes all I want is a shot in the mouth.

Highlights

I had my job interview yesterday. It went well. Or at least I felt that it did. They were very nice people and seemed pleased with my answers to their questions. I did ask about the pay range but they said that they wouldn't be ready to discuss such until the job is offered, should they offer me the job. I have felt that job interviews have gone well in the past and nothing came of it, so I'm not going to jinx myself there. I hope that I get it and that it pays well. It's not a bad drive at all and it is literally smack dab in between the areas we would be looking to move to. Bonus there! We had arrived damn near a full hour early because we thought traffic would be worse and we didn't know whether or not there was construction. I just sat in the car with Master for a little while and went in about a half hour before my interview was scheduled to start. They had me fill out a physical application. That is one thing I will never, ever understand about applying for jobs.

For instance, with this one I applied online. It wanted me to upload a copy of my resume and then literally fill out all of that same information into a form on their website. After that they called for the phone interview and requested that I e-mail them a copy of my references and that they would review it and call me back if they wanted to proceed. They then called me to bring me in for a face to face interview. Once there I then had to fill in a hard copy version of their application that I already filled in online. That seems rather pointless to me. But hey, if you want the job you're going to jump through all of the little hoops.

After that Master and I went down to my dad's place. My uncle was there as well. We ended up taking a lamp home with us. My dad was looking to get rid of one and I had wanted one in the living room by the couch so it worked out perfectly.

Anyway... As soon as we got there I went into my dad's bathroom and changed. I didn't want to wear my professional clothes any longer than I had to. After a little bit of talking we ended up talking about Grandpa. He's getting more... difficult to deal with. He's yelling at people, cussing them out, calling one of the nurses a racial slur... Yeah. He's also basically refusing to eat. He'll have a little bit of breakfast but that's it. So they are putting vitamins into his drinks and making them thicker to try and get something in him. It's the most they can legally get away with. Grandpa has a DNR in place which states that they can't try to bring him back and they also can't force him onto oxygen, a feeding tube, or anything along those lines. There were other small updates as well, but those are the highlights.

That's really about it. I have basically had nothing on my mind all day. Just kind of spacey. I honestly don't have much else to post about currently. I will say that my sex drive has taken a hit with everything that is going on. It's not anyone's fault. It happens. It makes no sense though since sex is a great stress reliever. *shrugs* Like I said, it happens.

First, Second, & Third

So... lets see here. There are few things I could touch on for an update I guess. They are kind of all over the place though so stay with me... or skip this post... whichever. *laughs*

First, I have found out that my medication doesn't give me that double vision aftereffect anymore. Well, at least as far as I can tell. It use to be where 15 minutes after taking it I would be walking around like I was drunk and would have double vision. That's why I take it at night. That way I can pass out before that happens. But I've taken it at the usual time about five times now and stayed up a good three hours later than that because I couldn't sleep but none of that happened. I'm still going to take it at night though. That's when my body is use to taking it, so that's what I'll stick with. I don't want to push it too much just in case those were flukes.

Second, Grandpa had to be moved to the nursing home early. He knows that he's not supposed to walk on his own, but he did it anyway and ended up falling down and cutting his arm. The nurse talked to him about it and he claims it never happened. She pointed out the cut and he still denied having fallen or trying to walk on his own. As a result, they moved him early so they could keep a closer eye on him.

Third, I have a job interview tomorrow. It is a bit far from home, but not as far as my last job was. Plus we want to move to that area anyway, so if I got the job it would actually work out in our favor once we get our happy asses down there. I had a phone interview with them a few weeks ago and they had quoted a pay range that is too low in order to make sense for driving that far. So I basically told them the minimum I would need. They then requested my references and so I shot that to them via e-mail. Since they called asking to schedule a face to face interview I would assume that they are okay with the pay range I countered with. I'll be bringing that up in the interview tomorrow though. I know some people say that's a bad idea but I can't take the pay they want and still make sense for that drive. I know I just said that we want to move down there, however until we do I need to keep gas for the car in mind.

I also received an e-mail regarding my test scores for the 911 job stating that I had passed and they want me to move forward with their process. I should receive more information on that in about a week. So at least I have that going for me too.

The only thing is I know the 911 job would pay more, so if I get offered the job I have an interview at tomorrow I don't know whether or not I should move forward with the long process for the 911 job. I think it would depend on what time(s) the appointments would be since I would not be willing to risk a job I just got by taking time off to take the tests. That makes no sense. *shrugs* We'll see. I'm putting the cart before the horse on that anyway. I'm just one of those people who like to have an idea of where I'm going to jump if x, y, or z take place.

The interview isn't until 3pm tomorrow, but after that we plan on visiting my father for a while. As a result Master is driving me to the interview so we can just head down to my dad's right away. Hopefully the interview will go really well and they'll be willing to pay me what I countered with.

Collections

I have attempted collecting things over the years. I have a small collection of wolf figurines/statues but that's really the only thing that has a theme to it. And even with that there aren't many wolf figurines or statues that I think actually look good. So that collection is pretty much how it's going to stay. I also have a small collection of stuffed animals, but they are a range of different animals. I had a medium sized collection of porcelain dolls and porcelain masks when I was a preteen.

As I said I've attempted collecting things over the years. And sometimes Master picks on me about it because I'll have a collection for a short period of time and then get tired of it or just completely lose interest and then I get rid of it. So I had pretty much given up on having any kind of collection.

But today I was browsing the web and came across something that I thought was awesome. Master thinks it's stupid and picked on me about it. *laughs* Hey, we can't agree on everything.

It caught my eye because my nickname from my parents is Monkey. I also love skulls/skeletons/etc. Hell, my dad gave us a skeleton couple sitting on a bench that says "Love Never Dies". It's awesome. Master loves it too. I only found the picture online so I looked into a bit more and apparently there is an entire line of figurines. They are called Furrybones. They have all kinds and I think they're pretty cute. I mentioned to Master how I wouldn't mind collecting them. He rolled His eyes. Like I said He doesn't care from them. Does that mean He would forbid me from buying them? No. I hardly ever spend money on myself so I think He's a little surprised that I'm even considering it. They aren't terribly expensive either. In fact, to me, they are pretty cheap as far as prices go.

Obviously since I don't have a job right now I am not going to buy them. But I bookmarked the site and will wait to see, when we have money, if I still find them interesting enough to buy any. I don't know why but I wanted to do a post about it. Most likely because Master was picking on me about never keeping a collection going. He's right. It's not like I can say He's making that part up. But honestly part of the reason I've never really kept up on a collection is because I don't spend money on myself. I always wanted to spend it on Him. But since these aren't all that expensive I don't think I'd have as much of a problem with it. Buy one or two here and there and slowly but surely it would grow into a collection.

The other cool thing is that it's not restricted to just figurines. They have stuffed animals, water globes, coffee mugs, etc all in the same theme. As a result I wouldn't have to just have figurines to call it a collection.

Maybe when I get a job and have a couple of paychecks under my belt I'll buy one for myself.

Ridiculous

Another night... Well... another morning actually. My sleep schedule, or lack there of, is bordering on the ridiculous right now. Last night I went to bed around 4:30am or so. Right now it is 5:13am and I haven't gone to bed yet. I know that once I get a job it will go back to normal. It will have to. But since I have no where to be and no where to go I'm pretty much just awake when I'm awake and asleep when I'm asleep. The only time that doesn't happen is if I have family to visit or I have a job interview. I actually have a job interview next Tuesday, so hopefully that will go well. And this Saturday I'll have to get up at a decent time because I promised my mother I would help her with some things she needs to take care of.

Master isn't imposing any sort of sleep schedule. There really isn't a need to. I don't know what the hell is up with this whole being awake all night shit. Master went to bed about two and a half hours ago. He told me it would be okay to stay up. I don't know why this is happening. I believe it is stress related. And even with everything going on stress wise, it's not like my thoughts are whirling around and keeping me up.

In fact, I have absolutely nothing on my mind at the moment. Not one damn thing. And yet here I sit, wide the fuck awake, typing a blog post about absolutely nothing in particular. But I don't really know what else to do right now. I'm hoping that after this post is done I'll be able to at least attempt to go to sleep. I know that if I went to bed right now I'd just lay there staring at the wall or the ceiling. That in turn makes me worry about waking Master up. He told me today that I was tossing and turning a lot last night. I apologized to Him. He said He wasn't upset about it or anything.

I'm glad He's not upset but at the same time it's not fair to Him. If He's noticing it to the point of commenting on it obviously it isn't just a once or twice type thing. Nope. Apparently I'm tossing and turning all night long. Or all morning long as the case may be.

I honestly don't think that setting a strict sleep schedule right now would help. If anything I think it would make it worse. I'd be in bed trying to fall asleep knowing that I have nothing to do the next day which will only frustrate me more. And with how much of a night owl I am normally, that will just make me irritable. It was problematic enough at times when I would have to go to bed on a Sunday night at a reasonable hour because I had to go to work on Monday. However, since I knew I had to go to work in the morning I could convince myself to just lay in one position until I drifted off to sleep.

I've been trying that little trick lately. I'll just lay as still as possible in one position in the hopes that I'll fall asleep, but it doesn't work. Then once I am asleep I am tossing and turning all night.

Right now I see the morning light coming through the blinds on our patio door. It's my turn to take the mutt out in the morning so I'll take him out to do his business before I go to bed. Other wise I'll be in bed for about an hour before he wakes me up.

I'm kind of wondering if the weather has anything to do with my being awake right now. All day today it was supposed to storm. Then the weather channel kept pushing it back and back and back. It's now 5:28am and nothing has happened except for a very light and brief drizzle. Sometimes when it feels like it's going to storm I'll get this charge to me. You know that pressure build up and charge that is in the air when it feels like a storm is on it's way? That has either one of two effects on me. Either I'll be lethargic all day long and will want to do nothing but sleep or I'll be charged all day and not be able to sleep. This time it is the latter.

I still don't feel tired. But I know that I should take the mutt out, take my pills, and then try to get some sleep. Other wise I might just stay up all day and crash as some time tomorrow afternoon and not be able to sleep tomorrow night either. *sigh* We shall see. I'll take the mutt out, take my pills, and then see how I feel after that.

Cuddle

The other day after finding out about Grandpa having to go to the nursing home and my brother went home I was very tired. I'm not sure why. I just was. Right before my brother left I had actually started to nod off a bit on the couch. I guess there was just too much going on in my head and as a result I was starting to shut down. I also didn't get a lot of sleep the night before.

After my brother left I asked Master if I could go take a nap. He allowed it and said He would wake me up in two hours. I went down to the bedroom, closed the door, climbed into bed, and got comfortable. I was laying there for a little bit and I wasn't about to cry or anything, I was just really down. Down and tired.

I keep some stuffed animals on top of our headboard. I like stuffed animals. I have a small collection of them. Some of them are kept in the closet because I don't want them getting ruined. Normally they just stay where I've put them and they are just there for the sake of being there.

However, I felt the need to cuddle with something. Obviously I couldn't cuddle with Master because I needed to crash and take a nap. He wasn't tired and as a result stayed in the living room. Usually in that situation I'll just move my pillow a certain way so that my head is still resting on it but I'll have my arms around it as well. That wasn't what I wanted though. On impulse I reached up and grabbed one of my frog stuffed animals and cuddled with it. After I was settled and I had the pillow just right, the blanket in the perfect position, and the stuffed animal cuddled up next to me I fell asleep rather quickly. 

At one point I woke up a little bit and looked at the clock. I had been asleep for about an hour. I had another hour before Master was going to come and wake me up. I propped myself up a little and put the frog stuffed animal back where it normally sits before I rolled back over and fell back asleep.

I know it may sound really stupid. I'm 31 years old and I still have stuffed animals, let alone still cuddle with them from time to time. *shrugs* But it helps.

When I was growing up I had a lot of stuffed animals. As the years went by I got rid of them all. But then one day, before we were married, Master and I went to a carnival and He won me a teddy bear. Master saw how much I loved it and from that point on He would get me a new stuffed animal every now and then. One of them is too large to cuddle with but I love it. It's a giant tiger.

I admittedly have gotten myself a couple as well. One of them my brother gave to me. He worked at an amusement park one summer and at the end of the season they were allowed to take some of the leftover ones home, so he gave me a Scooby Doo stuffed animal.

I don't know if it's some kind of coping mechanism or what... All I know is that it helps. I don't cuddle with my stuffed animals very often. I only really do it when I'm really, really not feeling well or I'm pretty upset. That day though I just was down and needed something to cuddle with.

Nursing Home

See, I told you I would end up posting about it again once I got a full update. The appointment for my grandfather's evaluation was today at 11am. My brother got here a little after noon. The three of us (Master, my brother, and myself) pretty much just spent the majority of the time sitting around and talking. My brother vented about his job and then it was basically just joking around and making small talk. We were keeping our minds off of other things. At 1pm my mother sent me a text asking if I had heard anything from my father. I replied saying that no, I was expecting him to call at some point in the afternoon. I didn't know how long the appointment went or whether my father had to talk to anyone after the fact. It was a little irritating just because we're all waiting on the information and if I had anything I would let her know. I'm not about to call my father to ask for an update. He said he would call me when he had a moment so I was going to wait. My mother is a very anxious person. She actually has pretty bad anxiety/panic attacks sometimes. So when something important is going on she wants updates immediately. Well, if I don't have an update I can't tell you anything and I had told her that once I had one I would call her.

Anyway... the three of us just killed time for a while. I will admit that at around 3:30pm I did send my dad a very short text. I wasn't trying to bother him at all. And I figured a text would be safer than calling him. About ten minutes later he called me. He wasn't upset that I had sent him a text. He had just gotten home.

They had the evaluation, then my dad and uncle had to talk with some people afterward. Once that was done both my uncle and my dad stayed to visit with Grandpa for a while.

So... here is the full update...

Grandpa is going to stay within the rehabilitation center for another two weeks. Then after that he will be going into a nursing home. He requires 24 hour care. Every doctor and nurse at the appointment agreed on that. Since he does need 24 hour care assisted living is out of the question. He can't be trusted to take care of himself at any point. With assisted living they don't keep an eye on you all day. By trusted I mean that he may fall, or he may forget where he is, etc. and so on. With the nursing home he'll have staff looking after him at all times.

The good thing is that the nursing home is actually at the same facility as the rehabilitation center. As my father put it, there are cheaper places but who knows what kind of care he'll receive. The nursing home has the same staff as the rehabilitation center and Grandpa trusts them. And we all agree that he is being well taken care of where he is, so it's best to put him in their nursing home. It is a very nice place. So that takes some sadness out of it. I'm still upset that he has to go to a nursing home rather than assisted living, but if that is the safest and best thing for him... then that is what has to be done. It's better than attempting to put him into assisted living and then him unintentionally hurting himself or something along those lines.

Grandpa has to go for a throat x-ray. He is complaining of not being able to swallow very well and that it hurts when he tries to swallow. The doctors and nurses cannot find a reason, externally, as to why that would be. His throat isn't swollen and there aren't any lumps. So he'll be going in for that. Dad isn't sure when that appointment is just yet. They are already adjusting Grandpa's diet to try and accommodate that by giving him softer foods.

I'm glad that Grandpa will be in the rehabilitation center for another two weeks though. They will be trying to get his strength back up at least a little bit before going to the nursing home portion of the facility. In order to not confuse him my father has requested that the doctors, nurses, and nuns (it's a Catholic facility) just tell Grandpa that he is being moved but is still in the rehabilitation center rather than telling him that he is now in a nursing home. Since he'll pretty much be dealing with the same people, that shouldn't be that hard. The nuns, doctors, and nurses agreed. With how bad my grandpa's memory is they just don't want to confuse him anymore.

Dad did tell me to try and visit again soon because Grandpa's short term memory is getting so bad that Dad doesn't want Grandpa to forget who I am. That will be a very, very hard day if it comes to pass. It might even if I do visit him frequently but at least it will be less likely. Well, hopefully for a little while anyway.

I did talk to my mother after I got off the phone with my dad. Dad sounded pretty upset so the phone call with him was only about 15 minutes. I told Mom everything I had been told. She asked some clarifying questions that I just didn't have answers to. When I talk to Dad about Grandpa I try not to "grill" him about it. Dad tells me all of the important things and that's all I need.

Keeping My Grip

I talked to my father for a little while today. It was actually a pretty short conversation since his back was really bothering him. He just wanted to give me a small update and thought it would be easier to call me rather than texting each other back and forth. It was in regards to my grandfather. The alarm on his pacemaker has been going off for a while now. It started going off every great now and then. But in the past week or two it has been going off very frequently. It is going off in order to alert the doctors that the battery is low. They waited as long as possible to turn it off. But now that it was almost constantly going off, the alarm wasn't alerting them to anything aside from the fact that the battery is low. In other words the alarm didn't make a difference anymore. So they turned it off. It was a very simple external procedure. The only way to correct the issue with the battery is to open him back up and replace it completely. The doctors/surgeons do not want to do that. They have pretty much guaranteed the fact that he would not live through it as it would be incredibly invasive.

When I saw my grandfather last Tuesday he was confused at times but was still alert enough to make some progress in his physical therapy. In fact, while I was there he was in physical therapy and seemed to be doing okay. Not great, but okay.

From what my dad told me today he has slipped back a lot. In just a matter of a few days he has declined significantly. It's worse than it ever was actually. He will recognize people but that's about it. He'll talk for a few minutes and then look off into a corner or the wall and just space out. He isn't making a lot of sense. Less than he was when I saw him. He is now rolling his eyes into the back of his head in mid conversation. Shortly after that he will doze off to sleep. He has lost more weight.

When I saw him last Tuesday I was actually a little hopeful. I knew he would never go home again but I was hopeful that maybe he would be able to go into assisted living rather than a nursing home. But with what my father told me it doesn't sound like that is going to happen. Last Tuesday he could slowly, with some assistance, get out of his chair or wheelchair. Now? He can't do it at all without the nurse doing at least 80% of the work. He is wearing diapers now although they are still having him use the bathroom when he knows he has to go. So in the matter of four days (this really started to get bad on Friday before the alarm was turned off) he has gotten this bad.

The really bad thing is that his evaluation is today. (Tuesday.) I'm making this post at 2am and his evaluation is at 11am. With this huge set back I highly doubt they will allow him to go into assisted living. The only other two options are allowing him to stay in the rehabilitation center or for him to go to a nursing home. I really, really hope that he doesn't have to go into a nursing home. It's hard enough realizing that he'll never go back home. Assisted living I can deal with. A nursing home scares me. Not that I think they will mistreat him. I know my father would never in a million years put him in a facility like that. It's just that those two words in and of themselves scare me. I've never had a relative live in a nursing home before. Hell, I've never had a relative go through any of this before. My grandmother, even when in a hospital bed, on oxygen, and in a wheelchair did it all at home if she wasn't actually checked into a hospital. My grandfather was retired and could stay home with her. They had the hospital bed right there in the living room.

My father told me that the appointment is at 11am and that he'll call me at some point in the afternoon to let me know how it went. My brother is coming up to visit. He'll be up here around noon, so we'll get the news at the same time since he'll be here anyway. My brother's visit wasn't planned because of the evaluation. It just happens to coincide.

I'm nervous. I'm worried. I'm a bit scared too. I'm not freaking out. I have a grip on myself. I'm just really, really hoping that he doesn't have to go to a nursing home. It's really hard knowing that he is going through all of this. My grandfather has always been a very strong, intelligent, and independent man. He worked three jobs to support his family and help his wife (my grandmother) go through college. Even after his early retirement he ended up getting a small part time job after my grandmother passed just to keep himself busy. And now he has no independence. He is frail looking. His mind is slipping from his heart not being able to pump the blood up to his brain like it should. I love my grandfather and it hurts to see him like that. When I visit it takes a lot not to cry in front of him.

Knowing that the battery of his pacemaker is very, very low is worrying. It's basically the only thing keeping his heart going. Only 5% of his heart is healthy. In my heart I know that once the pacemaker stops working, his heart will stop. He has a DNR. All I can hope for is that when that does happen, that he's asleep and just doesn't wake up.

I'm trying not to post about all this too frequently. But I know that once I do get a full update on the evaluation I'll be posting about it. I think this is just my way of getting it out of my head and trying to make sense of it.

Reading is Fun for Mentals

I saw a meme the other day that got my mind going. Yes, I know. It sounds really stupid that I would get inspiration for a post from a damn internet meme. However, it is a topic that I have wondered about in the past so I might as well run with it. Right? Right.

I have been Master's slave for 95% of our relationship. It was a long road filled with odds and ends and our basically trying to figure out what works for us. There were bumps in the road, as there always are regardless of what kind of relationship you have. But, that isn't really the point of this post. If you want a better background of how we got to where we are now, please read about it here. It's a somewhat vague history but it gives you the general idea.

Anyway... here is the meme I am referring to:

I have honestly never read any of those books. I of course knew about them rather quickly. After all they were promoting that book series left, right, and center. But when I saw my sister-in-law talk about it on a social network site I was floored to say the least. From everything I know about her she is a prude. I have no other way to put it. And she is also constantly complaining about how her husband (Master's brother) wants sex and she hates how he asks for it so frequently. She also bitches that he expects it without doing anything for it first. Apparently, without a dynamic in place, she thinks it should be earned like a reward. It's almost like she considers it a favor unless she wants to get knocked up. She's a prude and a feminist. *nods* I would say those two words sum her up rather well. I get along with her, don't get me wrong. But we are on two very different sides of that spectrum. Of course she doesn't know that. No one does.

But when she was saying how she had read it and had borrowed the book from a friend of her's I was floored. Like I said, admittedly I have never read any of the books. But from everything I had heard/read about it, it involves some level of kink to it. One person described it to me as a romance novel with a side of kink thrown in. I don't know how accurate that is though. *shrugs*

I have read the Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice. Granted those books are highly impossible with some of the things they wrote in there. Guys keeping their dicks hard constantly? Yeah. Sure. Yet a doctor will say if it lasts more than four hours you need to go to an ER. Of course there are other things in that book series that are impossible or at the very least highly improbable. However it was still an enjoyable series for me. Some of those things are entirely possible in the right scenario. Hell some of it I know damn well Master would do to me given the opportunity.

When I first heard about the 50 Shades book series I'll admit that my curiosity was a little peaked. After all I heard kink and I guess some form of dynamic was involved and you don't really read many books with that kind of thing going on. But I never did because the more I found out about it, the more it seemed to come off as a romance novel with things in it that "vanilla" people would find kinky but I would find boring as hell.

Has anyone read them? Thoughts?

I know that there will never really be a fictional book dealing with kink or a dynamic based relationship within an over all story setting that I will find 100% believable. I have a feeling that no matter what I read in that line of writing the book(s) will either have one of the following effects on me:

1. It will be way too far fetched and come off as ridiculous.
2.  Some of it will be far fetched but other parts will seem possible and as a result keep my interest.
3. It will disappoint me to the point of absolute boredom.

That may seem harsh since I've only ever really read the Sleeping Beauty series. There have been short stories and what not but they pretty much fell under the first category.  The Sleeping Beauty series fell under the second category. The 50 Shades series sounds, from everything I have heard about them, will fall under category three and as a result aren't worth buying, even if they are cheap.

It's kind of funny though because I have a feeling that if those had come out when I was an older teenager I would have snatched them up. Why? That kind of thing always interested me. I didn't really know if I actually ever wanted to be involved in such a thing but I knew that it interested me from a rather early age. But now? Well, after being in a Master/slave relationship for basically 11 years (and counting) I think I may just fall asleep while reading it out of pure boredom. Or maybe I would ready a couple of chapters, promptly decide it was a waste of time and money, and get rid of it.

When it comes to books I am very selective about it. After all, I'm spending money here and I want to make sure that I'll want to read it multiple times. That does somewhat limit the number of books I own/will buy but as a result I very, very rarely regret buying a book. I'm honestly more picky about the books I read than the movies I watch. Movies to me can be something I watch simply to kill time. But with a book? Nope. Can't do it. I have to be able to throw myself into it even if I am only reading a little bit of it here and there.

Going Guano

Ya know... this whole being unemployed thing is driving me guano. At first it hadn't sunk in really. It all just felt like a really long weekend or a mini vacation of absolutely nothing for no reason. But now? Well, now it has me just trying to do what I can to keep myself busy. This probably explains my posting more than what is required, even if it is just rambling on about absolutely nothing what so fucking ever. (Like this post.) It also explains why I went into overdrive in changing my blog. Hell, even today I decided that a font that I could automatically select was too boring for the blog title, blog description, post titles, and gadget titles. Nope! Can't have that! Too boring! So while I had thought I was done dicking with it apparently I was lying. I promptly went to Google Fonts and found the one I'm currently using. I think it looks better. And now that it's not a "default" font I feel better about it. I prefer my blog to be a bit more unique. That may be one of the reasons why I decided I didn't want a downloaded template anymore. Yes, I had tweaked it to make it my own, but it still wasn't mine. And while this may not be as "clean" or as "professional" as the ones I can download, I still love it. It's unique. If I ever see it somewhere else I'll be more than a little shocked. Somethings will obviously look similar as I am using a basic template which I then built upon but that's not the point.

Although I am annoying myself by constantly wanting to change things so now I'll leave it alone. No. Really. I'm serious this time. *sigh*

Aside from throwing out my resume like it's going out of style I've been watching random shit on Netflix that I honestly would normally never watch but am now, for some fucked up reason, finding entertaining. Most likely because it is different. If I still had a full time job there is no way I would bother wasting time on it. But since I don't, I find it amusing.

I'm also reading books periodically. I picked out a different one from the small collection we have that I hadn't read in quite some time. I'll read it a little bit here and a little bit there. Sometimes I'll devour an entire chapter while other times I'm only reading half of one.

I'm really hoping I find a new job soon. Hell, I've been wishing that since the day I was fired. I can't believe it's been that long already. I've never had a gap in my work history that wasn't due to my going to college for a while.

And on top of the stress of not having a job I have all these things going on with my Grandfather. The things going on with Grandpa are a lot harder to swallow. While the being unemployed thing is hard and greatly effects our finances the situation with my Grandpa is hitting me on a deep emotional level. In both scenarios Master has been extremely supportive and I love Him for that.

I'm trying to stay in good spirits and to stay strong. It's not that I'm putting my brave face on. I'm just dealing with all of it the best that I can. I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable. I cry when I need to. I vent when I need to. I'm of course keeping Master updated on everything across the board.

So yeah...