Keeping My Grip

I talked to my father for a little while today. It was actually a pretty short conversation since his back was really bothering him. He just wanted to give me a small update and thought it would be easier to call me rather than texting each other back and forth. It was in regards to my grandfather. The alarm on his pacemaker has been going off for a while now. It started going off every great now and then. But in the past week or two it has been going off very frequently. It is going off in order to alert the doctors that the battery is low. They waited as long as possible to turn it off. But now that it was almost constantly going off, the alarm wasn't alerting them to anything aside from the fact that the battery is low. In other words the alarm didn't make a difference anymore. So they turned it off. It was a very simple external procedure. The only way to correct the issue with the battery is to open him back up and replace it completely. The doctors/surgeons do not want to do that. They have pretty much guaranteed the fact that he would not live through it as it would be incredibly invasive.

When I saw my grandfather last Tuesday he was confused at times but was still alert enough to make some progress in his physical therapy. In fact, while I was there he was in physical therapy and seemed to be doing okay. Not great, but okay.

From what my dad told me today he has slipped back a lot. In just a matter of a few days he has declined significantly. It's worse than it ever was actually. He will recognize people but that's about it. He'll talk for a few minutes and then look off into a corner or the wall and just space out. He isn't making a lot of sense. Less than he was when I saw him. He is now rolling his eyes into the back of his head in mid conversation. Shortly after that he will doze off to sleep. He has lost more weight.

When I saw him last Tuesday I was actually a little hopeful. I knew he would never go home again but I was hopeful that maybe he would be able to go into assisted living rather than a nursing home. But with what my father told me it doesn't sound like that is going to happen. Last Tuesday he could slowly, with some assistance, get out of his chair or wheelchair. Now? He can't do it at all without the nurse doing at least 80% of the work. He is wearing diapers now although they are still having him use the bathroom when he knows he has to go. So in the matter of four days (this really started to get bad on Friday before the alarm was turned off) he has gotten this bad.

The really bad thing is that his evaluation is today. (Tuesday.) I'm making this post at 2am and his evaluation is at 11am. With this huge set back I highly doubt they will allow him to go into assisted living. The only other two options are allowing him to stay in the rehabilitation center or for him to go to a nursing home. I really, really hope that he doesn't have to go into a nursing home. It's hard enough realizing that he'll never go back home. Assisted living I can deal with. A nursing home scares me. Not that I think they will mistreat him. I know my father would never in a million years put him in a facility like that. It's just that those two words in and of themselves scare me. I've never had a relative live in a nursing home before. Hell, I've never had a relative go through any of this before. My grandmother, even when in a hospital bed, on oxygen, and in a wheelchair did it all at home if she wasn't actually checked into a hospital. My grandfather was retired and could stay home with her. They had the hospital bed right there in the living room.

My father told me that the appointment is at 11am and that he'll call me at some point in the afternoon to let me know how it went. My brother is coming up to visit. He'll be up here around noon, so we'll get the news at the same time since he'll be here anyway. My brother's visit wasn't planned because of the evaluation. It just happens to coincide.

I'm nervous. I'm worried. I'm a bit scared too. I'm not freaking out. I have a grip on myself. I'm just really, really hoping that he doesn't have to go to a nursing home. It's really hard knowing that he is going through all of this. My grandfather has always been a very strong, intelligent, and independent man. He worked three jobs to support his family and help his wife (my grandmother) go through college. Even after his early retirement he ended up getting a small part time job after my grandmother passed just to keep himself busy. And now he has no independence. He is frail looking. His mind is slipping from his heart not being able to pump the blood up to his brain like it should. I love my grandfather and it hurts to see him like that. When I visit it takes a lot not to cry in front of him.

Knowing that the battery of his pacemaker is very, very low is worrying. It's basically the only thing keeping his heart going. Only 5% of his heart is healthy. In my heart I know that once the pacemaker stops working, his heart will stop. He has a DNR. All I can hope for is that when that does happen, that he's asleep and just doesn't wake up.

I'm trying not to post about all this too frequently. But I know that once I do get a full update on the evaluation I'll be posting about it. I think this is just my way of getting it out of my head and trying to make sense of it.