Visit

My dad had called I think it was on Friday. Either way, he called asking if Master and I could come down on Sunday (today) to help him rearrange one of the spare bedrooms in his house. Of course we said it would be no problem. He then mentioned that he was going to visit Grandpa around 1pm. I asked if we could tag along since we'd be coming down anyway, might as well go down a little sooner and tag along on the visit.

He said that would be fine. So today we headed out of here and met my dad and his place. I brought him a couple of brownies because I had just baked a pan of them yesterday and I figured he would like some. He seemed to really appreciate that. We relaxed at his place for a little while before heading over to where Grandpa is.

I hadn't seen Grandpa in I'd say about two weeks? Maybe 2 1/2 weeks. Master hadn't seen him at all since he was put in the rehabilitation center.

When we first got there Grandpa was sitting in a wheelchair with it pushed up right against the door jam and was talking to Grandma (who passed away 20 years ago). My dad gently interrupted the "conversation" and asked if it would be okay if we visited him for a little while.

We stayed for about a hour. Grandpa wasn't really lucid for most of it. He would mumble and then kind of softly laugh. He would engage in conversation with us for a few minutes here and there. The rest of the time we just tried to keep with what he was saying, which was more difficult at times than others.

He has lost more weight. He still is refusing lunch and dinner. He readily admits it. He said that they just tried to bring him lunch before we showed up and he just pushed it right back to the nurse.

When it was time for us to leave Grandpa tried to stand up and walk us out. We had to very, very gently tell him it was okay and we would just see oursevles out. We told him to just sit and relax. We didn't want him to get upset by us telling him he isn't "allowed" to get out of his chair by himself. I gave him a soft hug and we headed out.

After that we went back to my dad's for a while. I think the visit took more out of him than he thought it would because he then decided that he didn't want to rearrange anything today. That was fine. It took a little more out of me than I thought it would too. It hurts seeing that he is just getting worse and worse at an alarming rate.

I didn't cry or anything along those lines. I don't think I'll cry again until he actually passes away. And I think a good reason for that is because I am trying to prepare myself for that as much as possible. As a result, knowing that he is still breathing is basically enough to keep me from crying.

Dad asked if we wanted to come out to Grandpa's house to visit with my uncle for a while. He's staying out there in order to take care of Grandpa's dog as he can't take the dog to his apartment. We weren't really planning on it but we said sure thing. We followed him out there and stayed for a couple of hours.

Once we got home we had dinner and I pretty much crashed for a hour. Like I said, it took more out of me than I thought. I also hadn't slept for shit last night. It sounds a little weird.. saying that visiting a family member "took more out of me". But it's true. I'm not sure how to explain the sensation.

I don't know when the next time I'll visit Grandpa will be. I know for sure now that I just can't go in there by myself. I just... can't. So as long as I can go with my dad or my mom I'll be okay. It helps. We're being our own little support system.