Over It

I am so over this work week. I've noticed that whenever I know that I'm going to start looking for a new job two things happen.

One: I get nervous about searching for a new job because well, there is a lot of unknown variables.

Two: When things piss me off at work (such as today) I find myself looking forward to searching for a new job.

Yeah, it's a little weird. Like I've said previously, I don't hate my job. But the whole carpool situation is something I'm getting sick of fast. Especially lately. Last minute changes, trying to get the other person in the carpool to help out with rides as well... *sigh*

For instance, the driver of the carpool can't drive us home on March 15th. No big deal there. But since Master is almost always the one picking us up or me just taking the car I thought I would ask the other guy if his wife could pick us up for a change.

Since our job moved out to where it is now he has handled rides home three times. Three. That's it. Other than that it's Master picking us up or me taking the car when the driver of the carpool takes a day off or can't take us home from work. Yeah, he helps out a little with gas but it still gets frustrating. Especially when gas prices are high.

I had asked the guy yesterday if it would be possible and he said he would have an answer for me today. So I waited until almost the end of the day and figured I would ask him about it since he hadn't said anything yet. He said he had forgotten and would have an answer for me tomorrow. While I understand that you forget things, this is a very rare thing and so you would think it would stick in his head a bit better.

Eh. Maybe I'm just cranky about that whole situation. He is in the same situation we are in so far as they only have one car too.

Then add to the fact that the driver is taking the whole first week of April off to go to Vegas. I had brought that up to him as well and since it's not just a ride home, it's there and back he said his wife won't be able to help out. Never mind she could just drop us off early. I get it would be a hassle, but still. Your husband has to get to work somehow! I think it's more him not wanting to ask and "put her out" as it were more than her refusing.

Some of the times where I couldn't drive us to work and the driver of the carpool has taken off he just hopped a ride with his parents and didn't tell me about the possible ride there. So, I wasted a day off simply because I didn't think I had any other way to work as our car was in the shop or whatever. He is a nice guy, but when it comes to the carpool... he pisses me off sometimes.

In regards to April though I'm thinking I may just take one of those days where the carpool driver isn't there off. It would just be one of the days though. It would just be a break for me and save on gas a bit. I'm not sure yet though. I have to save most of my time off for job interviews.

Although now that I'm realizing that I will be changing jobs, I've found myself wondering if when I leave my current job if my vacation time will be paid out, or if it just drops off. I don't want to ask because um, that would be weird. Of course there is nothing in the employee handbook about it either. If it does, rock the fuck on. If not? Eh. Oh well.

My Head Hates Me

Last night a migraine started to hit me out of nowhere. It started off with random shooting pains on the right side of my head. That was fun. I would be fine and then a sudden sharp pain would shoot from behind my ear, along my skull and into my temple. That fucking hurts, let me tell ya. Master allowed me to stay up even as the migraine got worse. Sometimes it hits a point where I want to do nothing but lay in a dark room and hear and see nothing what so ever. Thankfully, last night it didn't get that bad. I just laid down on the couch cuddling a blanket with the couch pillows propping me up. I knew that if I tried to go to sleep right away I would just get more aggravated because I wouldn't be able to sleep. I don't know about you, but not being able to fall asleep because of pain pisses me off.

I popped some Advil and stayed on the couch until Master told me I had to go to bed. He had allowed me to stay up past my bedtime by a half hour so I knew I couldn't push it. Plus, He worries about my health and didn't want my migraine to get any worse. So He gave me a big hug, a kiss to my forehead and had me head off to the bedroom.

Lately I've taken to shutting the bedroom door when I go to bed. I used to leave it open all the time because really, why shut it? Well, I've discovered that if I shut the door I don't have that urge to just get up and go into the living room when I can't sleep.

I guess it's kind of like putting a cover on bird cage. It's dark. It's time to sleep. Fuck it.

I couldn't fall asleep right away unfortunately. But I just forced myself to stay in one position rather than tossing and turning and eventually I drifted off. I have no idea what time it was because I refused to look at the clock. Looking at the clock when I'm trying to fall asleep is another good way to irritate myself. What do you mean it's already 2:30am?! What the fuck?!

You get the point.

This morning I woke up and I still had a small headache but nothing that couldn't be fixed with a couple more Advil and coffee. I feel fine now. It's been quite some time since I've had a migraine. I've had some bad headaches, but trust me there is a huge difference between a bad headache and a migraine.

Not Much Longer

Well, it's almost March. March is a busy month. My birthday, our anniversary and my work anniversary. And to add to that list, I'll be looking for a new job in about three weeks.

Master and I have been talking about this for a while. And now that it's so close it's kind of irritating. I want to look but I can't because if I find something and want to apply for it, I won't have the time to take off of work if I get called in for an interview. I'm not saying all that would happen right away, but I'd rather play it safe and wait for my time to renew at work before I go ahead and start tossing out applications.

And when I saw gas prices on the way home from work today I am even more convinced that I need a job closer to home and preferably on a bus route. I know damn well that if the driver of the carpool leaves and gas prices stay where they are or go up, it's not going to make sense to drive out to that job. Basically the gas money would cut too much into other things not to mention more wear and tear on the car.

Fuck that noise.

Not to mention the fact that the driver of the carpool will most likely be upping how much she wants a month for gas. But then, when she takes off and I don't I'll have to put money in our gas tank as well. That's not a good thing.

Master, thankfully, agrees with me on this whole new job thing and is encouraging me to do so when the time comes. It's not that I hate my job or anything. It's annoying as hell lately, but I don't hate it.

If they would have stayed where they were when I first started with them I wouldn't even be thinking about leaving. They were on a bus line at that time. Now? Nope. No buses. *sigh*

I'm glad Master has my back on this. Then again, He always does.

Had To Share

I almost forgot I wanted to share something. I found it on a website and immediately thought of Master. Unfortunately it's censored, but I'm sure you'll get the message.

Swollen Shut

Last night before we went to sleep Master ate me out in such a way that it took almost no time at all before I got off. Normally I like to hold back a little bit because it feels so damn good, but it was like a firecracker went off. It was amazing. He then made sure to make me cum as often as possible. He was relentless. It was like He was trying to make me cum until I couldn't see straight. He got pretty damn close too. As it was as soon as we were done and we had cuddled up to one another I passed the fuck out.

Today has been extremely relaxing. All we've done is watch Netflix, talk and fuck. It's been pretty damn awesome. I am/was still sore from last night. So when He ordered me to the bedroom early in the afternoon it didn't take long for it to hurt, in good ways. There were more than a few times where I wanted to back up a little bit, but I knew I couldn't. Plus, the man was pinning me down or grabbing my hips so I couldn't get away. It's like He's a damn mind reader sometimes. But when it hurts and feels good all at the same time it leaves me with this wonderful floaty feeling afterward. Plus, before He fucked me that time He made sure to bite my neck to the point that I got so docile I was floating already and felt like a rag doll. All before even entering me.

We watched more Netflix afterward and about an hour and a half ago Master ordered me to the bedroom again. I was horny, but I knew this was going to hurt.

He planned on using me this time. That's what I wanted. When I'm feeling that docile, sexually, I don't want to cum. I just want to be used and abused. And so I was.

I was laying on my stomach and He started to enter me. He was taking His time though. Mainly because I was so swollen that it was like my body was saying, "No more!"

But Master wasn't having it. He asked if He should get it over with. I didn't really want to answer that question. But eventually I said yes. So He just slammed into me and I did move up that time from pure shock and the sudden pain. As a result He made sure to pin my arms down. I was whimpering and "squeaking" as He calls it. Basically they are small noises I make when it hurts but feels so damn good at the same time. He loves it when He can make me do that repeatedly. He's an evil, evil man and I love Him for it.

It hurt. But it was ssooo worth it.

Although now that I've been off my period for a few days, I know I have to start bringing up anal training again. I don't know why, maybe it's because of the lower back pain I get when I'm on the rag, but anal sex or anal training is not a good idea during that time of the month.

I've been dodging that subject for a while now. And it's not fair to Him because I know He loves fucking my ass. I used to really enjoy it as well. I don't know what changed but all of a sudden I couldn't relax all the way, which made it hurt more. So now, back to anal training 101. He is an ass man. He loves my ass and wants to fuck it. Repeatedly. So we have to start working to that again. I don't want to deny Him anything. And I've been getting more and more in touch with my sub space recently. It's not that I ever lost sight of being owned by Him. But for some reason it's like I'm connecting to that part of myself in a deeper and different way than usual. This could prove to be interesting.

Visit At My Dad's

Master and I went down to visit my father today. Thankfully, for 90% of the visit, his girlfriend wasn't there. And when she was, she said hi and then went into a different room. Fine by us.

When my dad told me he needed back surgery I wasn't really surprised because he's had a bad back for over 15 years. But I didn't really realize how bad it had gotten. While we were down there he was having problems walking up right. He has to hunch over and kind of slouch. He's lost even more weight. My dad used to be a pretty.. heavy guy. He's not extremely tall. I think he's about 5 foot 10. But he used to weigh quite a bit. He says that his back hurts so much sometimes that he doesn't really want to eat, or if he does it's not very much.

He doesn't have health insurance so he applied for disability, in the hopes of getting insurance. Hell, when I called him to let him know we were on our way down he asked if I could get a case of soda out of his car on my way in because he can't carry it. A case of soda. This is the guy who used to pick both my brother and I up at the same time and rough house. He would have each of us grab on his upper arms and lift his arms so we would dangle from them. He was not a weak man.

But now he can't carry a case of soda into the house. He's only 50.

So I grabbed the case of soda out of his car and brought it in for him. While we were there he would tell us about things and want to show us it. He would get up to go get whatever it was. I would ask him if he wanted me to get it and he would say no, that he wasn't that far gone yet. He said it in such a way that I know he's just being stubborn. But at least he's following the doctor's orders as far as the 5lbs weight limit. He said he doesn't have much of a choice. He can't really sleep because he can't lay down flat.

It was sad to see him like that. My father is not the greatest father in the world. But he loves me and I love him. So when I see him like that it's sad. I'm hoping that he gets disability insurance so he can have his back surgery. He has to wait 120 days for a decision and he only applied two weeks ago.

The visit went well though. I mean we did watch TV but at least my dad would talk during it. And when he walked us out to our car to say goodbye he used a cane to walk. I gave him a big hug and told him I'd come down again soon.

Music To My Ears

I just got home from work. Shortly after I got home Master and I started talking and I realized that I had completely forgotten about an errand that needed to be done. Master was kind enough to go run out instead of me. It's not exactly a short errand as the place is a good half hour away. Blah.

There is some music that I enjoy that Master does not. It's not a big deal. It's just I know the songs I like that He doesn't. As a result, I try not to listen to them when He's around. I don't own the CD or anything. I just sometimes look them up on You Tube. If they come on the radio when I'm alone in the car I'll turn the volume up. It's not like Master has forbidden me from looking them up or listening to them when He's home/in the car. I just don't do it.

There have been a few times where I have asked Him if He'd mind, simply because it's stuck in my head. He always tells me I don't have to ask. I'm not sure why, but I feel the need to ask. I have no idea where this came from. As I said, it's not something He's ever commented on except stating at some point that He doesn't like that band or that song. For some reason I log that away in my head and just don't listen to it when He's around unless I ask permission. Weird huh? Anyone else got something like that?

So since Master is not home right now I decided to play some music on You Tube in the background while I type out this post. There is one song though that Master found that I absolutely love. It reminds Him of me and reminds me of Him. But it's in a weird way. It's not exactly a love song.

We both love Alice Cooper. He came out with an album not that long ago and there is a song on there called "I Am Made Of You".

Master and I have both had extremely rough times in our almost nine years of being together. They were independent. Meaning that we each had our demons to deal with where we had to lean rather heavily on the other.

This song makes us think of those times, but not in a bad way. To me, it reminds me of the strength He lent me and how He helped me drag myself up off the floor and eventually get back on my feet, all the while holding on to Him because I couldn't hold myself up just yet. In case any of you want to listen to it, here it is.

Daily Report

Well, today was a pretty normal day. I did put in an extra hour at work today. The funny thing was I didn't get to everything. I got most of it done. Hell, I got more of it done than I thought I would to be honest with you.

Today the carpool driver couldn't drive us home. So Master picked us up. It was nice getting to see Him as soon as I got out of work. If it weren't for gas prices I wouldn't mind it happening more frequently. We dropped off the other person in the carpool and then went home. I'll tell you this though, I'm glad I didn't just stick it out last night and wait for the driver of the carpool to head out. When she told us about it she had said a half hour. Well, she put in almost two hours in and not because she wanted to. She had to have "x" amount done before she could leave. I felt for her because that really fucking sucks but at the same time I'm glad I caught a different ride home. There would have been no way I could log that kind of overtime in and not seem to be padding hours.

When we got home and got settled in I called my father. He had called me a couple of weeks ago and told me about him needing back surgery and all that. So I promised him I'd stop by sometime soon. I was going to do it last weekend since I was going to be down there visiting my mom. But after thinking about it, it just seemed like way too much to pack into one Saturday. After all that was when my mom and I went bumming around and went clothes shopping.

I had called him last weekend and asked if this upcoming weekend would be okay. He said yes at the time, but my father doesn't have the best memory. So I told him I would call him sometime last this week and double check. So I called tonight. He says it's still a go and he'll be home all day so we can just stop in whenever. I told him I'd call before we headed out. That way he isn't running on an errand when we get down there. He seemed really excited about us coming down. Like I said, I think some things have kind of given him a reality check. Well, maybe not a full on bitch slap... but regardless he is reaching out more to my brother and I. He has always missed us when we don't come down but he was never so... what's the word... forward about it? I'm not sure if that's really what I want to say there but I don't want to stare at the cursor all night either. I just mean that he never really called to ask us to come down. He kind of just waited for us to do it unless it had been like three or four months. Now? He's called and he seems more excited over the phone about us being there soon.

I just hope it goes well.

Is The Room Spinning?

No, but my mind was earlier today. I won't go into details. But I will say that at the time it seemed like a huge deal but now it still pisses me off but I'm okay.

So, like I said, without the details while I was at work I got some bad news. Not crushing news. No one is hurt or dying. It was just bad news. And for whatever reason it sent me spinning. And I mean spinning hard. Thankfully it was close to my lunch break so I was able to go outside and get some fresh air. I talked to both my mother and my Husband. I normally talk to my mother on my lunch break so she called me and I told her what was going on and I told her that I was spinning and she talked to me and calmed me down a bit. I was still extremely upset when I got off the phone with her but I was a little more stable. Then I called Master and told Him what was going on. He agreed that it sucked and that it pisses Him off as well, but there wasn't anything we could do about it. I was still spinning and I told Him that. He talked to me and tried to calm me down as best He could through the phone. Then He said my first name. For some reason that pretty much is a bitch slap reality check type thing to me,

He wasn't being mean. He wasn't yelling at me. He simply said my first name. It was a perfectly calm and normal tone. But it doesn't seem to matter what the circumstance is, when He calls me by my first name it causes me to stop in my tracks.

I think it may have something to do with the fact that He never uses my first name unless He is talking about me to someone else. The only times He normally calls me by my first name is if we're with family and He wants to get my attention. Again, this is not a bad thing. It's just because we're around family.

But when He does it in situations like that it just stops me and I focus more. I don't know why. I really don't. But He knows it has that affect so He uses it from time to time when He thinks He needs to. And this time He felt He needed to. And it helped. Before I talked to Him I just wanted to go home. I felt too confined at work. I felt like I just wanted to run home and curl up with a blanket and just zone out until I could calm down more. That's all I wanted. But I couldn't take the time off work. Thankfully, after talking to Him I was okay and I could better handle the rest of the work day.

When I did get home Master called me over to Him and He stood up. He held me to Him and told me everything would be alright. That helped a lot as well.

Now? Now I'm fine. I'm still annoyed and all that but I'm not spinning anymore.

More Of The Same

Yes, another work related post. Honestly, work has been on my mind a lot because of everything that is coming up. It's only three short weeks before I start looking for a new job. Why the wait? So I have the personal time and vacation time to use in case I need to take off work for an interview. It's also three short weeks before I get a three day weekend since I'm taking that Friday off. I know some of you are probably wondering why I am "wasting" a day off when it doesn't have to do with finding a new job. Well, two days before my time at work renews is our anniversary. And our anniversary lands on a weekday, which I cannot take off. So I am using that one extra day to get more quality time in with Master. We're coming up on being together for nine years and married for five of them. (That's the good thing about getting married on your "normal" anniversary... it's easier to keep track.) So it's a pretty big anniversary. A milestone if you will. It's not like we're going to do anything huge, but it would still be nice to get some extra time with Him.

I'm looking forward to that. A lot.

Work isn't as bad as it has been the past month or so, but I'm still playing catch up. The carpool driver told us today that for the next two days she needs to get to work a half hour early. That's not a problem. I don't have an issue with going to work early.

But she also stated that she is going to stay a half hour later than usual. Now, if I wasn't on overtime restriction that would be fine. But I already asked my supervisor and he said I can't go over that much. So, there was no way I wanted to stay later than usual and not get paid for it. So the other person in the carpool is having his wife pick him and I up and take us home tomorrow. Then on Thursday Master will pick us up. Hopefully this doesn't lead into a long Friday. Like I said, I can't go that much over so if we go in early on Friday I can't clock in early and will be sitting there for a half hour doing nothing.

It reminds me of when I was in a carpool at my old job. My shift didn't start until noon. But the driver had to be to his job (it was Master's friend) by 8am. So I would get dropped off shortly before 8am and sit and read or whatever until my shift started if there wasn't any overtime allowed. Which was frequently. I hated it a lot back then and I'm still on that whole thing of not liking to be on another person's schedule. There are three schedules I feel are necessary to follow. Master's, mine and whatever shift I'm on for a job. That's it.

Hopefully the days go by quickly and don't seem to drag simply because I'm there early. It helps the paycheck and helps me get back on track with my work flow. But there are times where regardless of how busy I am, if I'm at work early the time goes by slowly anyway. I hate that.

Freedom

Okay, about the last post.. I know that financially it's not going to really pan out. It did last time because of how paychecks landed and we had a cushion. *shrugs* That whole I deserve two weeks off thing is true though. I really do feel that I've earned two weeks off straight. Then again, who doesn't? I know it's not going to happen. The main thing about the whole two weeks notice thing is advance notice. Even if a new job allows me to start two weeks later I could just work through that and not say a thing. I don't want to fuck them over, I honestly don't. But, I do know of some really good employees that gave two weeks notice and were told to just go ahead and leave. That would suck. That would mean I would be out of work two weeks, when I needed the money, and it probably wouldn't look good to go to the new employer and go, "Um. Yeah. I can start Monday."

That conversation would go over well. "Yeah, I told them I could give two weeks and they told me to leave. But I'm a good worker! Honest!"

I guess I'll just go with my gut instinct. I think that I'll probably give advance notice. I just worry a lot. I know. It's how I am.

Sometimes when I write here it's just to get thoughts out of my head. It doesn't always mean that's what I'm actually going to do. It's a lot of what if's and maybes. I do appreciate the feedback though! I just wanted to clarify a bit.

Today I took the car to work. The driver of the carpool had off for the morning. So I picked up the other person in the carpool and took us to work. It was nice because I was dictating when I left. And it was even nicer when I was on my way home. The driver had her own car of course and the other guy hitched a ride with her instead of me.

As a result, I just hopped in the car and left. I didn't have to wait for the other two to get out to the car. I didn't have to walk the entire building to get to the car because since it's my car I parked by my section of the building. The best thing though was that I could just quickly hit a couple stores on the way home without having to be dropped off at home first. That just sucks. I get dropped off at home to just leave. But somethings either I want to do or Master didn't have the car for errands, so things need to get done when I get home and there is no use in pushing it to the weekend.

This is another reason why I want a job closer to home. I like the freedom of just being able to go. Or if I need to do overtime I don't have to go by another person's schedule or have to cut my lunch extremely short just so I can catch up. I can just call home and tell Master I'm going to be an hour late. I mean yeah, I could stay an hour or two late but then I'm paying the carpool driver and putting more gas in our car. That just doesn't make sense.

Hell, even if I'm taking the bus I just have to know the times and routes to make sure that I can catch a bus when I need to. I could still do overtime, or if I wanted to leave early that day I could rather than having to go through the whole driving situation listed above.

There is no bus out to my current job or I would just be doing that. So it's either pay the carpool driver and put more gas in our car or just start taking our car all the time. Trust me, that would be even more expensive.

I'm basically sick of being in a carpool. I did it with this job and my last one. I had to be on a schedule that wasn't my own and sometimes get last minute updates as to whether or not I have a ride or if a I do it's only there or back, rather than both.

I'm still nervous but also kind of excited about looking for a new job. Although I was thinking about it today at work during my break... It was about the clothing. When my mother took me shopping I only bought black and grey clothing. I love them because they mix and match so damn easily. That, and I love wearing black. (No, I'm not goth or emo.)

So I have decided that when I go shopping for business clothing I'm only buying a few select colors. Black (yes I know that's not technically a color), grey, dark blue, dark red and dark purple. I prefer darker colors. If I keep it simple it'll be easier to mix and match clothing so they look like different outfits without having to have 20 different full outfits. Mixing and matching is cheaper and to me, more interesting.

Decisions

I'll get to the meat of this post in a moment. I just wanted to say that Master is awesome. Lately my fibromyalgia has been acting up pretty badly. As a result Master has decided that I need "maintenance" back rubs. He decided that rather than waiting until my muscles are too tight and I'm in a lot of pain, that it would be smarter to just do back rubs frequently in the hopes that it won't get too bad. So far, it's working rather well. In fact, while we were watching Doctor Who on Netflix Master gave me a 45 minute long back rub. Oh. My. Gods. My entire back is tingling and I feel so much better. He rocks. *nods*

Well, the meat of the post is this...

Since I went shopping with my mother yesterday and I started picking up actual business attire the thought of looking for a new job has been on my mind almost constantly. It's not that I don't think it's a good idea. Because I do. I need a job closer to home. It just makes the most sense financially. Rather than paying someone else to drive per month only to have to put more gas in my car when she takes off... it doesn't make much sense. But neither does saying screw it and just driving to work every day and back. In fact, that would be more expensive. I'm also worried that it would run our car into the ground sooner. Not a good thing.

But even though I know it's a good idea and the smart thing to do it still makes me a bit nervous. I have to find a job that is closer to home and either has equal or better pay. I have to hope that the insurance is as affordable as it is now. I know I can ask about health benefits but somehow I doubt they'll tell me how much it costs. Then I have to make sure that the paychecks overlap enough that we're not going to be left wanting.

There are a lot of things to take into consideration and all need to be juggled rather carefully. Thankfully I'm in a situation where I can be picky for now but I'd rather not spend months at a time doing this search.

The other decisions I have to make are the following:

1. When do I tell my carpool that I'm actually looking for a new job? 
2. Do I give two weeks notice, if possible? 

The carpool thing I'm on the fence about. I'll be starting to look for a new job in a few weeks. (Wow. It's that close. Holy hell.) But I don't know if I want to tell them that right away. It's not that I'm worried they'll kick me out of the carpool but I don't want a lot of people at our job knowing I'm looking to hop ship. I know I can tell them not to say anything, but that doesn't mean it won't slip out or they won't tell someone they think won't tell anyone else... you see where my mind is going with this right?

The two week notice thing...... I've never given a two week notice. Most of time it was because I had to start the new job the following Monday. There has only ever been one time that I was told that I wouldn't start for another two weeks. That was this job. I was told, when I first got hired, that I would start in two weeks so that I could give notice at my last job.

Well, my last job is one I absolutely hated. And we were in a position that I could just have the two weeks off and still be comfortable financially. I don't remember why. I think it was due to how the paychecks landed. I'm not sure.

But Master and I discussed it. The job was going down hill, which is why I was leaving. The company was being bought out and I wanted to be one of the rats leaving the ship before it sunk completely. Thankfully, I pulled that off. That job stressed me out more than any other job I've ever had. It was just completely mind draining and had a big brother type thing going on. It was a call center. A call center where I was trained and worked in four different departments on top of e-mail customer support. I worked on all queues all the time. I had to cycle though so many programs and be able to handle any of the departments at the drop of a hat depending on what call came through. And then I had to work on e-mails in between calls. Yes, it was indeed a clusterfuck of a situation. I did it for almost two years. But the big brother portion comes from the fact that they pulled five calls a month per department to review. And then they would pull ten e-mails and review those as well. So each month I had a total of thirty things reviewed per month as well as my normal monthly review where they determined my call volumes, call times and various other things. On top of that I was making the same amount as people who were hired at the same time as I was who only knew one department. Yeah. I hated it.

Since we were able to still be comfortable and I wanted the down time I took the two weeks to rest and relax before starting my new job. I loved it. It was wonderful and I was fresh for my new job.

So... what should I do if when I find a new job they tell me I have two weeks before the new job starts? Should I give the two week notice? Or should I take the two weeks off? Most of it will depend on timing and how paychecks will fall. But lets go out on a limb and say it will be okay and we'll be comfortable? I'm torn.

I'm one of those people that don't understand two weeks notice. If I were being fired I wouldn't be told two weeks ahead of time. I know most people say to do it because of references. Well, my current job states that for privacy reasons they do not give references. They will confirm that you worked for them, but that's it.

My job has been good to me but I've also been very good to them. Don't I deserve the break if I can get it? I think I do. But I'm still on the fence about it.

Bumming Around With Mom

Today was a really great day. I had a lot of fun. I woke up to take the dog out and I decided to go back to bed for a while since my alarm wouldn't go off for another two hours. When I came back to bed Master wrapped His arm around my waist and pulled me to Him. We fell asleep like that.

When my alarm did go off I got ready and headed down to my mother's. I stopped in at her place for about a half hour. Then Mom and I went bumming around. Since my birthday is in a few weeks she wanted to take me clothes shopping for business clothing for when I start looking for a new job.

She heard of some sales going on so we stopped at JCPenny and Target. Both were still too expensive. So then we hit Goodwill. (I remember a commenter had recommended doing that for business clothes in a past post.. so thank you.)

We were in there for about an hour and a half. I got two pairs of pants and about seven or eight tops and we only spent $40 and some change. Hell yes!

We then went grocery shopping. Shortly after that I headed back home. Master helped me unload everything and put everything a way. Now we're just relaxing. I know it doesn't sound like that great of a day but it really was.

My mother and I haven't gone shopping like that in a very long time. Normally I hate going clothes shopping but if I go with her it's actually fun.

Busy Weekend

Today was my half day at work. I got home by about 12:30pm and by that time Master had already left. A friend of His that He hasn't seen in a long time wanted to get together for lunch. So Master is down in His hometown catching up on things with him. After Master gets home we have some small errands to run. I don't think they'll take very long though. That's a plus. Since Master isn't home right now I thought I'd knock my post out so that I don't have to worry about it later and just enjoy the extra time with my Husband.

I decided to order some lingerie while I have some free time on my hands. Why? Because I could. It was hard picking out what I wanted. I found a piece that I really, really wanted but it was out of stock except for plus side. *sad face* So I added that to my wish list. I did find something else though that I think Master will enjoy.

Tomorrow I'm going to be out for most of the day. My mother and I are getting together and are going to bum around. Master is staying home. Then Sunday will be here and we will (hopefully) not have to leave the apartment. I like those days where we do absolutely nothing. It helps me unwind quite a bit. Don't get me wrong, I love doing things with Master but it's nice to just stay at home and do whatever.

I'm not sure what time Master will be home. But He left me a note saying that I should just relax while He's out. So I am.

Right Where I Should Be

Last night Master had me dress up for Him after all the animals were taken care of and I had taken my bath. I was feeling docile and had chosen one of my favorites. He approved. We relaxed until it was time for me to go to bed. But rather than just tucking me in, Master got undressed and slipped under the covers with me. Going into all the details would take quite some time, and although I would love to type it all out my right elbow is bothering me a little and I can feel it while I type. Weird sensation let me tell you.

But needless to say He was not entirely gentle. I had asked Him to not be too rough with me because of how my back has been and He wasn't. He was rough enough and pushed me a little far a few times but He always commented on how wet I got when He did that.

He talked dirty to me. As soon as He would be getting close to cumming He would slow down and chuckle in that dark and dirty way that always sends a chill down my spine.

I started crying a few times. It wasn't from pain or anything like that, it was just me hitting different levels of sub space. Just when I thought I couldn't slip much further I would break through and go a little deeper. It was intense to say the least.

Afterward we went out into the living room for a little while. My mouth was really dry and we were both sweating and breathing heavy.

When it came time for me to go to bed and actually get some sleep, Master was sitting in His recliner, still naked. When I stood up to go to bed He motioned for me to come over to Him. I knelt at His feet and leaned in for a hug. He gave me a hug and then grabbed my throat and forced my face down to His cock. As He did so He said, "Say goodnight."

I took His cock into my mouth and gently sucked and licked. When He allowed me to stop and come back up for another hug and He held me to Him. I was even more docile than I had been before. I was still in my sub space. I hadn't come down from it yet.

He held me to Him as I knelt there at His feet. Then He said that He knows it was a hard road but He's glad that we are where we are with our dynamic and that I had finally decided where I wanted to be. I'm not sure, but I think my post from two nights ago hit Him a little bit. And I think that was, in part, why He said that.

But you could hear the happiness in His voice. He hugged me a little tighter, gave me a kiss and told me to get some sleep. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was asleep.

Road Block

"Have you felt illness or other factors (depression, stress, PMS, etc) interfere with your ability to serve as well as you want? How do you handle those times?"

Yes, I have. When I didn't know that I was bipolar my service to Him was very.... fucked up when I would get into certain moods. I could be docile and wanting to please and happy to do so for a week straight and then out of no where I would want to throw it all away and say fuck it. I'm not saying it was every other week that this happened. But there did seem to be some kind of fucked up schedule to it. Master told me that He used to be able to do a countdown and sure as shit within "x" amount of time I'd be telling Him I didn't want to do this anymore. I couldn't do it anymore. It has to stop. He would take my collar off and I'd be bawling and begging to have it back while apologizing over and over again. It used to make me feel like I was absolutely bonkers. I had no idea why I was doing any of that. No fucking clue.

And if I was on a down swing leading into depression I just didn't want to move. I didn't seem to care about anything but just... being. And even then there were times I just wanted to curl up under the covers with the lights off.

Honestly I'm not sure how the man put up with all that. And each time He'd allow me to go back to being His slave. Sometimes He'd have me wait it out, earn it back. Other times I could have my collar back right away.

I think that's one reason that I still twinge when I touch my neck and the collar isn't there anymore. I feel a moment of panic, although those are getting less frequent. But I just have to remind myself that I'm not under punishment. Those are not the terms in which the collar was taken off. It was taken off because of my metal allergy.

Thankfully now that I'm medicated and have been for quite some time now none of that has happened. Oh, I know I'm not the shining example of a slave 24/7. But I have never once asked to be released from service. 

So there is the bipolar side.

Illness, in regards to having a cold or the flu or something, yes it does effect my service. It's not because I don't want to serve Him. It's just in some of the ways I serve Him, He basically won't allow it. Because I hardly ever get sick it seems like when I do I'm down for the count. Holy hell. My body just wants to shut down and sleep until I'm feeling better. That's not possible, but that's what it wants to do.

When I'm sick Master basically has me rest and relax as much as possible. He'll bring me things and I'll protest a little bit because it should be the other way around but He tells me to shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down and start feeling better. *laughs*

Stress can effect my service. Mainly because stress normally causes my fibromyalgia to kick into high gear. And sometimes it can also leave me brain dead when I finally decide I don't want to focus on it for a little while. That's mainly just when the stress is really bad and has been going on for an extended period of time. But again, Master is understanding and tells me to rest as much as I can.

My PMS actually has gotten a lot better since I've been medicated. Until I hit about 25, aside from cramps, I didn't have a lot of PMS moments. I might be a little crabby but that would be about it. Then 25 hit and holy hell did that change. I'd be pissed off and ready to verbally go off on anyone or I'd be depressed to the point of not giving a fuck about anything.

But as I said, since I've been on the right medications and the correct dosages of said medications my PMS is basically back to how it was before I hit 25.

So yes, things do effect my service to Him. But honestly, I don't see how they couldn't effect it. If it didn't, would I be a robot? Like some kind of weird kinky yes man? Ugh. He would hate that. 

Before I Crack

The work flow is slowly but surely tapering off. Or at least so it seems. I might say that now and then tomorrow walk in to a disaster. Who knows. But even when it did get a bit hectic today I took time to just breathe a little bit before going onto the next task. I can't keep pushing myself like that. I'm a hard worker and I prefer to stay on top of my work flow/case load whatever you want to call it. I hate when I get behind. But it's one of those things that I have to accept. I can't be 100% caught up all the time. On a normal work day? Fine. But since it's been one thing after another after another for about a month now it's wearing me down and wearing me the fuck out. I have little to no energy by the time I get home. My mind is mush. I feel scattered and I feel burnt out. The light is on but nobody is home. And that's not fair to Master and it's not fair to me. I shouldn't have to put every ounce of energy into my job as often as I'm having to lately. I want to be able to enjoy my time at home.

So like I said, today I took a breath every now and then and it seems to be helping. I'm not fully caught up, even though I was when I left Friday, but I did pretty damn well with what I had to do.

I don't feel completely drained. I don't feel like I just don't want to move at all. My blog doesn't sound like a chore. I'm not totally fresh or anything but I don't feel like I'm going to fall over either.

Hopefully I can keep that up without getting too far behind at work. I didn't cut my lunch really short. I took about 20 minutes rather than the 5 to 10 minutes I had been taking.

I'm sure my shrink will want to hear everything when I see him in two weeks. That mood tracker thing is helping, I think. Plus I can review it the day of my appointment to refresh my memory. I know that Master checks it every now and then. I still give Him my morning messages of how my mood is before I leave for work in the morning, but I think it's a good thing that He can check that little online tool in addition to that.

Kinda Sorta But Not Really

I don't have a lot to say right now, so I thought I'd use a journal prompt, since last night's post was pretty damn short. I know Master doesn't like it when my posts are short like that, but sometimes I don't have much to say. Apparently that's the case this weekend.

So rather than trying to beat my head against the keyboard I decided to pick a prompt and run with it.

Can one be partially owned?

I don't really see how you can be partially owned. I mean that doesn't even sound right if you say it out loud. Or maybe that's just me. I can see being owned, not being owned and basically that point where you're still working on it.

But even when you're working your way to being owned by someone, I wouldn't call that partial ownership. I would see that as a path on it's way to ownership.

For example, when Master and I started this path He didn't own me right away. Well, at least not in the true sense of the word. He called me His property and I was. But until we had really figured out what both of us wanted out of this dynamic I would say we were in that gray area. I wouldn't have used the term partial at any point though.

How would that even work? Is that just like weekend stuff? "I'm my own person until Saturday. On Saturday He owns me."

*blinks*

For the first two years of our relationship we lived 45 minutes away from one another. He came down twice a week and slept over once a month. It was like clockwork, unless someone was sick or something along those lines. But I was still under His orders when He wasn't there. I had tasks to complete and I chatted with Him every night. (Instant messaging is just easier sometimes. Especially since Master is so not a phone person.)

There were things in place to make sure I remembered that I was His. I kept a journal (pen and paper) and He read it every week. They were small things, but they were there.

I know that there are gray areas to everything. But to me it's either you're owned, you're not, or it's just something kinky you do. But I would never use the work partial to describe any level of ownership. Maybe I'm just not thinking out of the box but I honestly cannot think of a situation where that would apply.

Or maybe it's something when you submit to more than one person? I, myself, cannot imagine doing that. Not that there is anything wrong with it, I just really do not think that would work for me. At all.

So.... can any one try an explain it to me? Or are you all just as confused as I am?

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Sometimes it's kind of sad how I just want to run through the week and get to the weekend. It was worse when I worked at my last job when I never had two days off in a row unless it was a holiday or I took a vacation day in between. That sucked. I hated that shift, but it was the only one available. My job isn't horrible. It's not the worst job you can have. And I'm pretty good at it. But lately it's just been beating the hell out of me. So, I just want the week to be over and for me to get to that two days of not having to get up at 6am. I'm sure a lot of people do. I kind of miss being a little bored at work. I was able to catch up for the most part this past Friday, which is great. But I have a feeling it's just going to pile up again. *sigh*

But today has been a really nice and relaxing day. The only time I've had to leave the apartment (minus taking the dog outside) was to go buy rabbit food. That's it. And I only had to do that because we totally spaced the last time we were running errands. Thankfully the store isn't that far from home.

It's nice to just sit in the living room, watch TV and talk to Master. Not hard thinking. No stress.

Jello Kitten

I know that title probably sounds kinky as hell, but the post isn't. *chuckles*

As most of you know I've been bitching about how much pain I've been in since the work load went insane and started randomly multiplying somehow. Master has been giving me should rubs and has worked on my lower back on and off. Those are the two main places that I seem to carry stress. I really appreciate it when He does that. I always feel so much better afterward and in it's own way is a form of Him spoiling me, at least in my eyes.

Yesterday it was worse than usual. I know I looked tired as hell and I winced when I moved sometimes. It just really hurt right in between my shoulder blades. It didn't have to pop or anything like that. The muscles were just tense as hell. Eventually Master told me to sit in front of Him. He sat in His recliner and I sat on the floor in front of Him.

He worked on it the best He could and it did feel better afterward. However, He told me that when I was done with my nightly routine He would work on it some more. He did allow me to skip my blog post though. My mind was not in gear and I was just so burnt out. So He showed mercy and allowed me to skip it. I think if He hadn't I would have just babbled on about absolutely nothing and made no sense what so fucking ever.

Once my nightly routine was done Master turned on a movie (Hollow Man) and told me to lay on the floor. So I spread out my throw blanket and laid down on the living room floor in front of the TV. He sat down next to me and He worked on my whole back. From the top of my shoulders all the way down to the tailbone.

And He used lotion! I know that probably sounds like a weird thing to be excited about. But Master really doesn't like using lotion when He works on my shoulders or back. Why? I'm not entirely sure. I know He's told me the reason before, I just can't think of it right now. I prefer it when He does use lotion though. It just feels better to me and helps with any dry skin I may have. Normally I have to beg for Him to use lotion but last night He simply grabbed it.

I was already happy as can be that He was going to work on my entire back so I didn't want to push it by begging for Him to use lotion. So that was an extra treat as well.

He must have worked on my back for at least a half hour to forty-five minutes. I was jello, putty, however you want to put it. That was me. I felt a hundred times better once He was done. My entire back was tingling. He must have gotten something loosened up.

I love my Husband and the way He spoils me. Yes, I know I really "need" it sometimes just so I'm not winching in pain but last night it really felt more like He was spoiling me.

Later I curled up on the couch, my head laying by His recliner. I was all comfy with one of His t-shirts on, my throw blanket, two couch pillows and my bedroom pillow. The couch and His recliner are pretty close together. So when my head is laying by His recliner He can just reach over and pet me or hold my hand if He wants to.

He did both last night while I was laying there. Eventually I drifted off to sleep. Master allowed me to sleep on the couch for awhile. I'm not sure how long. But when He woke me to go into the bedroom He didn't just tell me to go and give me a hug and a kiss like normal after I've fallen asleep on the couch. Instead, He walked me back there, tucked me in and held me for a little while until I was just as warm and comfortable as before. I remember Him very gently and slowly climbing out of the bed after kissing my forehead and saying goodnight.

Waiting For The Weekend

I'm tired of work kicking my ass. It's not just the physical part, due to my fibromyalgia flaring up, but the mental aspect. I've spent every work day for the past month and a half either extremely frustrated or simply brain dead. It's a hell of a back and forth trip trust me. Today though was worse than usual as of late. I actually ended up with a damn migraine which went down into my neck. Thankfully I was able to pop enough ibuprofen to take the bite out of it. Thankfully it's not bothering me anymore. It's just a dull ache now.

I want to write about something other than my being in pain but nothing else is really coming to mind. I'm just waiting for the weekend to get here so I can relax. I think it's kind of sad that during a work week you're just trying to rush through it to get to the weekend. But not very many people actually enjoy their jobs, so it happens frequently.

I don't feel that way all the time. There are some weeks that aren't so bad and it's just something you have to do. No big deal. But lately? Lately all I'm doing is waiting for the weekend.

I enjoy being home at night but it's not enough down time before I have to get to bed and do it all over again.

I'm not trying to throw a pity party or anything. Just typing out loud.

My Father

I know I've posted about him in the past and yes I realize that I've not always talked fondly of him.

When I got home from work Master and I immediately headed out to go grocery shopping. I wanted to go with in case I found something I wanted but hadn't thought to write down on the list. When we got home there was a voice mail on the house phone. I figured that it was some kind of telemarketer because if someone doesn't catch us on the house phone normally they call my cell. Not to mention that hardly anyone ever calls on a work day in the evening. So I flipped through the caller id. It was my dad.

So I listened to the message. Of course, being my father, he didn't say what the call was about he simply asked me to call him back. So we got settled and I got comfortable on the couch and called him back. It's always weird calling my dad. He hardly talks on the phone and when he does it's a pretty short conversation. It's not because he's mad at me or anything, he's just not a fan of talking on the phone. (Master is the same way.) So for him to call in the first place took me by surprise.

Well he did want to call to catch up and all that. I guess he thought I was mad at him because I hadn't called or stopped by since Christmas. I found that kind of odd, that he would think I was mad at him, because there have been long intervals between us talking before and it didn't mean anything more than one or both of us were busy and just not doing much of anything besides taking care of things at home. I assured him that I wasn't mad at him.

He chit chatted for a little while and I could tell that he was dancing around something. Well, it turns out that he was. And I can understand why he wasn't sure how to say it. My father hurt his back pretty badly 6 years ago. At that time they told him he may be facing back surgery. My father, rather than doing that, has been going to a chiropractor and until recently that was working just fine.

But in January apparently he had to take three weeks off work because he couldn't move well at all. Now, he is only working three hours a day, five days a week. He has a 5lbs lift restriction. He works at a car parts store. There isn't much he can do without lifting more than 5lbs and with only three hours a day to do it. He's applying for medical leave but is worried that he'll just be fired instead.

He has seen his doctor and since my dad can no longer walk or lay down without being in a lot of pain they have told him that he needs to get this surgery done. They want to fuse two of his vertebrae together. He is scared out of his mind. He even verbally admitted to being scared. If you knew my father you would know how huge that is and how scared he really must be to even admit it. He said that he's not only afraid of going under the knife but he's scared that something horrible will happen and he'll become paralyzed. I know I'd be thinking the same damn thing. After it is your spine for crying out loud.

He's scared and I think he's feeling pretty lonely because my brother and I don't visit a lot. I think it has hit him pretty hard and he wants me around a bit more. I promised him that I would come down to visit him soon. I know his girlfriend will probably be there, and I fucking hate her, but in a way I think that my father feels that he needs to see me. Maybe it's because we can just joke around and what not or maybe it's because I'm his daughter. Maybe it's both. Either way I could tell that he wants to see me soon. So I'll plan that out. I was surprised in a way that he didn't call me when he was off work for three weeks to let me know what was going on but I think that's part of what hit him is that I wasn't calling to check in on him. To make sure he's doing okay. He's only 50 and his life is catching up with him pretty fast lately.

I did make him promise to keep me updated. I told him I want to know when the surgery is. I do plan on going down there for that.

After I got off the phone with my dad I cried a little bit. I love my dad. I really do. He pisses me off. He does shit I do not agree with at all, but I know he loves me and wants me around. So I'll pay him a visit soon and make sure to check in with him to see what's up.

Master got me to calm down. I'm still upset but as Master said there isn't anything I can do but check in with him and visit. Aside from that there is nothing I can do.

Case By Case

Sometimes, when you feel stressed you hear another person's problem(s) and you realize that you should be grateful that it isn't happening to you and maybe you should shut up about your problems for a while.

A little while ago the driver of my carpool had taken off of work at the last minute. Honestly, that's not like her at all. All she said was that it was family problems. That could mean a lot of things, honestly. But the next day she told me that her mother had found out that her husband (the carpool driver's step-father) was cheating on her. I said I was sorry to hear that and let it be. Well, today she brought it up again. Apparently her mother was actually able to confirm everything. Apparently her husband has had a girlfriend since October and she is just finding out about it now. She kicked him out and he went to live with his girlfriend and apparently called his soon to be ex-wife saying he wanted to work it out. But apparently she's having none of it and has already filed divorce papers.

While she was telling me all of this she said one of those old standbys for this type of situation. "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

Apparently her step-father has done this once before and her mom had taken him back.

In a way, I can see her point. My father cheated on my mother for a year before telling her he wanted out of the marriage. He then spent 10 years with that woman before cheating on her with his now current girlfriend. I honestly don't think my dad will change. If he doesn't spend the rest of his life with his current girlfriend (please Gods no) he'll more than likely cheat on her before letting her know he wants out. There is a pattern with my father and it doesn't seem to matter who he is with.

So with that little background out of the way, why do I say it's a case by case basis?

Because I cheated on my ex. Plain and simple. I know it was wrong. I know I should have gotten out of the relationship first, but honestly at the time I didn't really see a way out of it. I was 19 and I found out he had cheated on me several times. And me, being stupid, decided to just return the favor basically.

But, do I think that I'll cheat again? No. I cheated on my ex for stupid reasons, I know that. I didn't see a way out of the relationship because I didn't have a job and the prick was paying all the bills. Eventually it didn't matter and I kicked his ass out.

So... because I cheated on my ex does that mean I'm going to cheat on Master? Hell no, it does not. How can I know that for sure? I'm sure someone in the background is asking that. I know because I realized how fucking stupid and childish that was of me. And seeing my dad do it not once, but twice... for long intervals with two different women... well let's just say that in several ways I don't want to turn into my father.

Not to mention the fact that I love my Husband very, very much. He is my world. If something should happen to go sideways I would rather work on our relationship rather than throw it all to the wind and be a fucking moron about it. And if it isn't fixable, then it's better to end the relationship rather than do that.

I honestly believe that it should be on a case by case basis. I cheated on my ex. Not Master. I have never and will never cheat on my Husband. If either of us wants out, we know what divorce papers are. I do feel that within the same relationship, I would be wary. Extremely wary. But if it's something that the other person did in a past relationship, okay yeah.. you might have your guard up for a while but eventually you either trust that person or you don't. And if you don't, get the fuck out of dodge.

Master knew that I had cheated in my past relationship, but He trusted and still trusts me. I have never done anything to make Him not trust me.

I know that some people don't care and won't take it on a case by case basis, and I understand that. I'm just speaking from my own experience. If there is a pattern, yeah.. watch out. But if there isn't and it wasn't that your significant other cheating on you... well then you might want to take other things into consideration.

Not Feeling Well

Last night once Master and I finally went to bed we were both exhausted from our sex olympics and fell asleep almost as soon as our head hit the pillows.

I was happy as could be. That is, until about 4am. We had only gone to bed around 2am and suddenly my stomach woke me up. And not in a "Hey, I'm hungry" way. I was not feeling well at all. The minute I would think I was okay and climbed back into bed, I'd be there for at most 20 minutes and have to get up again. It really fucking sucked. I was trying really hard to not disturb Master. I was okay, my stomach was just very upset for some reason. There was no reason, and really would not have made any sense, to wake Him up. There was nothing He could have done.

I do remember one of the times that came back to bed for 20 minutes He woke up a little and asked if I was alright. I told Him I was okay, just that my stomach was really bothering me. He asked if I needed anything and I said no, kissed His forehead and told Him to go back to sleep.

After about the fourth time of getting out of bed I was extremely frustrated. I just wanted to sleep. But I didn't want to keep waking Master up either. So I ended up stealing my pillow off the bed, tossing it on the couch and grabbed my throw blanket that I curl up on the couch with when we're watching movies.

I propped myself up with the couch pillows so I wasn't laying completely flat on my back and finally was able to get some rest. Oddly enough once I fell asleep on the couch my stomach didn't wake me up. I wonder if part of it was really bad heart burn. I've gotten sick from that before.

Another reason why it had upset me, and I'm sure this sounds stupid as hell, was the fact that we had a wonderful evening together and then it ends like that. What the fuck? It's not like there is ever a "good time" to have your stomach act up, but really?

Thankfully after about noon my stomach had fully settled. Master has been asking how I've been on and off all day and I haven't been using the forbidden word. (Nothing.) Even if I just have to say, "The same thing as the last time You asked" it's better than nothing. Well, as long as I'm not bitchy about it anyway.

Chew Toy

Master has decided to be kind to me. You know the whole punishment thing? Where I'm not allowed to cum until my birthday? Well, since I've been a very good girl and Master feels that I have learned my lesson as I've been a lot more descriptive when telling Him how I'm feeling He has decided that as long as I've earned it I can cum sometimes. Not every time, as He still wants to make sure His point is made, but if I've been really good then I can have an orgasm. Today apparently I was very good. This is the first day Master has brought up the fact that I would be allowed to cum and not always be in toy mode for the next four weeks. He said that He had been thinking it over and since this was my first slip up since being medicated and I haven't deserved punishment (aside from this offense) in so long He was going to be more lenient this time.

I know if I fuck up again like that my ass is grass.

But as I said today I must have been a very good girl. We went into the bedroom and He had me lay on my back as He chewed on and bit my neck. I sometimes think that He prefers me not having a collar on these days. Not because He didn't think it was an important symbol, I know better than that, but because He has better access to my neck.

Master loves to bite me and chew on me. I sometimes refer to myself as His chew toy. And sometimes He proves my point. Tonight for instance His mouth, tongue and teeth were everywhere. He bit my neck for a long time. I greatly enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong, it hurts. It hurts a lot sometimes. He loves to get a good grip on my neck and just slowly apply more pressure until I can't breathe before loosening His grip and allowing me to breathe again. Other times He likes to get a thin piece of skin in between His teeth and pull on it a little. He also likes to threaten to pierce the upper cartilage of my ear with His teeth. He normally threatens that by having that part of my ear in His mouth and applying enough pressure where I think if He presses any harder it's actually going to happen. That hurts like hell.

He left my ears alone tonight though and focused on my throat and the underside of my tits. He ate me out until I whimpered because I was so sensitive from my orgasm. He laid on His back and had me suck His cock for a while. I then climbed up the length of Him and He allowed me to be on top. I must have had at least seven orgasms before He slapped my ass to tell me to get up and had me lay down on my stomach. I was then put into toy mode. He used me in that position for a while before slowly rolling over, staying inside of me, until we were both on our sides. He then put one hand on the back of my neck and basically had me "bent over" while laying on my side. Just as He was about to cum He wrapped both hands around my neck and applied pressure. The moment I gasped for air He filled me with His cum.

So I am trying to be on my best behavior (yes I know I should be at all times.. but it's not as easy as it sounds). I'm glad that I have pleased Him.

Weightless

Do you ever have one of those days where you just don't feel.... solid? I don't know if that's the right way to describe it but it's really the only thing I can think of. As I was walking around today at work and after work while doing errands I just felt out of sorts.

It honestly felt like the only weight to me was my feet. Other than that I just felt all over the place, like I couldn't focus. It's a very odd sensation and every now and then this happens and I have no idea why. I talked to my mother about it and she has the same problem sometimes. Master knows about it and He describes it as feeling "fuzzy".

It's almost 7pm and I still feel that way, just not as badly. While I was at work the only thing I could think of was to get back home and take a nap. I had some errands to run after work though, thankfully it didn't take more than a half hour. But once I got home it just didn't feel like I could wind down enough to take a nap.

Currently I am regretting that decision. I feel totally out of it. Master has allowed me to be rather lazy and I think I'm going wrap up this post and ask Him if I can at least try to go take a nap.

Kick Start

I literally could not think of anything to post about tonight. Aside from work and just relaxing at home there isn't a lot going on. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn't help with posts.

I even sat here with the post page open and turned around in the chair and asked Master what He thought I should write about. He didn't have any ideas either. I didn't want to just ask to skip my post. I enjoy doing my blog posts and tonight wasn't one of the nights where I just didn't want to do it at all. I just couldn't figure out what the hell to write about.

So I needed a little kick start. I went and found a journal prompt that I found interesting and will go from there.

"If you had the choice to leave the SM part of your relationship behind, could you?"

If I had the choice, I would stay how we are. I know our dynamic might change as we get older or as other things in our lives change. It's changed a lot over the past eight and a half years, believe me. Change isn't bad. At least not in this case. I'm glad that we can continue to keep our dynamic intact.

I like to think that even if something happened where we had to put it on the back burner as far as the "in your face" parts of the service goes that we could still keep the little things in place. By in your face I mean it's so obvious that it's smacking you in the face. Like kneeling at His feet or something of that nature.

For instance, if we had to have someone stay with us for a while or something that wouldn't be possible unless that person wasn't there. But I know that the little things (and the bedroom dynamic) would stay there. We've been together so long and in this dynamic so long that we know what the little movements or looks mean. We can both translate that perfectly damn near every time. So that would all be there. But the more obvious things would have to fall back and become rare.

That is a huge for instance though. I don't ever see something like that happen, it's just an example.

But if for some reason we had to drop the dynamic, and I honestly can't think of a reason as to why that had to happen, I know that we would still be together and still love one another.

I think the main reason why I can't imagine having to drop every aspect of the dynamic is because it's not just about Him making me kneel and suck His dick because He's bored. It's not just the rough stuff. It's about different levels of control and my doing what He wants in whatever way I can. And there are so many different thinks that don't include sexual things or punishment. It's the little things that make up the dynamic, in my opinion.

When we first started this dynamic it was more about the sexual aspect for me. And believe me, that's still there. It's still a very large part of what I love about this dynamic. However, I have also come to appreciate the mental aspects as well.

I honestly believe that we wouldn't be as in tune with one another as we are now without the dynamic. The path that we are walking together has basically demanded so many different levels of connections between the two of us that it's almost impossible to not know all of the little quirks, looks, eye movement, tone of voice and be able to interpret them the best we can. It's how we can also maintain a level of our dynamic in public and around friends and family. It's the small stuff.

Catch All

I've been beat to hell at work. I'm still beat to hell from work. But last night, for whatever reason, I all of a sudden got into a weird cleaning mode. And I don't mean the kind of cleaning where you break out a mop and bucket. I felt a sudden need to clean out our "catch all". I'm sure everyone has one. It's the one place where you just toss stuff in there or on top of... whatever. Ours is a plastic three drawer cabinet that sits right next to the computer desk. Last night I was looking for something. I think it was my W-2. Well, strangely enough our catch all is also a place where I put paperwork I'm going to need and/or is important. See, since there are three drawers it depends on which drawer I'm digging in as to whether it's important or whether it's just some random thing I've put in there.

Anyway, I was looking in the drawer and I found what I was looking for but I saw that mess of papers and what not and I sighed and told Master that I was going to clean it out. He had no problem with that. So I literally took everything out of all three drawers and put it into a pile on the floor.

Once I got that far I started separating it all.

There was more in there than I thought. There was of course the pile I made of the important paper work. Then there were receipts and other papers that I have no idea why the fuck I held onto it. I have to take full blame for that. Master doesn't deal with any of it. I do. So I'm the one that just puts stuff in there.

Then there was His camera, the batteries and cords that go with it. Those went into their own little pile.

There was an old web cam in there. We haven't used one in years, so apparently it was in there a long time. That went in the garbage. There was just so much stuff. I think about 85% of it went into the garbage. I'm not kidding. There was a lot.

So once all that was cleaned out and tossed in the trash I separated what needed to go in what drawer. The bottom drawer is for important papers. The middle drawer is for His camera and what not. The top drawer is stuff that we don't need immediately but may in the near future and it was basically the only place to put the stuff in order to keep it separate from the other things.

All but the bottom drawer look so damn empty. I'm still trying to figure out why I had so much shit in there.

It was just weird how that hit me out of nowhere though. When those urges hit me like that it's always about stuff like that. Clearing out drawers, a closet, stuff like that. I'm odd.

And some how I made an entire post about cleaning a three drawer plastic thing next to our computer desk. Go me.