Happy New Year

Well, it's New Year's Eve. It's hard to believe that the year is already over. Sometimes it felt like the week would never end, but for some reason the year itself seemed to fly by. Weird.

Even though Master and I are not feeling well, we still are having a good day. Master and I haven't gone out for New Year's Eve for a long time. In fact, in the almost 9 years we've been together we've only gone out on New Year's Eve once. And that's when He was working at a bar. He had to work that night so I was there too. No biggie. Since neither of us are big drinkers we don't see the point of facing a bunch of drunk crowds in order to have a good time. Every year besides that one we just stay at home and watch movies. Sometimes we have a drink and other times we don't. I can't really drink while on my medication. There isn't a "rule" or "warning" telling me that, but I have always been a light weight when it comes to drinking it's much worse now on these meds.

I never really cared about drinking anyway. So these days I'll just have a few sips out of something He is drinking. But tonight, no alcohol. We're just going to enjoy the night while pausing every now and then to cough or blow our noses.

I feel worse today than I did yesterday, but that's okay. At least it's the first of my three day weekend. Now I'm off to take a hot shower and hopefully loosen up some of this congestion.

Sharing Is Caring

Well, it appears that it's not sinuses. I do in fact have a head cold. And guess what? I shared my germs with Master.

I always try to be careful when I'm not feeling well, due to His blood disorder that effects His immune system. But when you live under the same roof, sometimes it's unavoidable. Thankfully it's just a head cold and not anything worse.

Although it still sucks. I'm mostly fine during the day but once night time hits my ears clog up, my voice gets kind of raspy and I'm just generally not feeling well.

So now we get to spend the extended weekend together, sick. *shrugs* At least we still get to spend it together.

Although because of this damn head cold I'm thinking about looking into private health insurance for Master. I have health insurance through my job. I would just add Him to that policy but it's an additional $100 per paycheck. Not per month. Per paycheck.

To me that's a lot of money just to add one more person onto a health insurance policy. It sucks. So I think I'll be looking into private health insurance for Him over this weekend and see what I can come up with. 

T.G.I.F..... Almost

Even though this is only a four day work week, I am really glad that tomorrow is Friday. I have been non-stop busy all week and I haven't felt good all week either. As soon as Tuesday hit I was knocked on my butt by this whole sinus/head cold/whatever the hell it is. Maybe I'm allergic to work? *sigh*

It seems that it's the worst at night, but since I'm getting my tail kicked at work, it's that much worse. I barely have a moment to breathe at work right now. Master had to pick myself and the other guy in our carpool today. The driver of the carpool couldn't take us home due to a doctor appointment. We dropped off the other guy, stopped at home so I could grab something, and headed right back out to do a couple things that I had to be there for.

So about 12 hours from the time I left this morning, I was finally home for the evening. Right now my nose is dry to the point that it hurts a little bit, my ears feel like they are clogged, I have a headache and my chest and throat are sore from coughing due to the sinus drainage.

I'm a mess.

I'm just hoping that tomorrow is a quick day so I can get to the weekend and I can sleep in. I have a feeling I'll be sleeping in and possibly taking a couple naps if I still feel like this over the weekend.

Master is doing His best to take care of me, which I appreciate.

Now? Now I'm going to go soak in the tub and hopefully the hot water will not only chill out my muscles, which are aching from the coughing fits, but also clear up my sinuses a bit so this clogged up ear feeling will go away.

Stupid Sinuses

Yesterday when I got to work I noticed that my throat was bothering me out of nowhere. Eventually it was more than bothering me. It hurt to talk. So I kept my mouth shut most of the day.

When I got home last night I told Master that I was not feeling well at all. He had me relax on the couch and just try and recuperate. I'm 80% sure it is just my sinuses, but either way I felt like utter shit.

As the night progressed my head started to feel like it was all stuffed up. My throat got worse. When I went to bed (early at that) I couldn't get comfortable. I also couldn't keep warm, which was really odd. I mean I'm under a sheet and a comforter and I still can't get warm. Eventually I went out into the living room to ask Master if I could wear one of His hoodies to bed. He said that was fine. Normally I sleep naked, so it probably took Master by surprise that I wanted to be dressed while sleeping.

Eventually I was able to fall asleep but I woke up several times because my nose was stuffed up and I was having a problem breathing.

When I woke up this morning I felt about the same. If I had any personal or vacation time left I would have called in and gone right back to bed. But my time doesn't renew for three months. So off to work I went. I took some allergy pills with me and have been popping those all day like they were candy. Thankfully tonight I am feeling a bit better. Now I'm going to go relax and enjoy the rest of my night. Hopefully I won't fall asleep early tonight. It's been a long day and I'd rather relax than sleep.

Deeper Connection

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My Family

Today was the day to visit my side of the family. Due to the fact that we had multiple stops and we didn't want to get home late we headed out around 9:30am. We went to my mother's first. She loved her mug and her husband really liked his as well. I gave my brother one too. We sat around talking for a while and exchanged presents. We got a new set of pans, which we really did need, so that was greatly appreciated. My mom also gave me a fleece throw to cuddle up with on the couch. This will come in very handy for the nights that Master says it's okay to sleep on the couch until He goes to bed.

Much to our surprise my grandfather showed up. The one that just had a pacemaker put in. I felt bad though because I wasn't expecting him to be there, so I had simply mailed his card. He said it was okay and not to worry about it. He gave us a gift card to a local grocery store, which is always handy. One good thing about my family when it comes to the holidays, they buy practical things. Love it.

Another shock to the system was that shortly after my grandfather walked in the door my uncle, who I haven't seen in three years, strolls in. He's a cool, but weird guy. I gave him a big hug and he made a joke about not knowing who I am. Honestly, it's not abnormal to not see him for long periods of time. He is very much the kind of person who lives in his own world. As I said, he's just a very weird guy.

Now while the above may not sound odd to you, as far as seeing my grandfather and my uncle there, it is. This particular grandfather and uncle are on my father's side. My mother and father have been divorced for almost 12 years. My mother was part of the family since she was 15 years old. She was part of the family for about 23 years. My grandpa adores her and my uncle and her have always been good friends. So they still treat her like family.

My grandfather headed out and shortly there after we did as well. My brother came with us over to my dad's place. We were more than relieved when we realized that his girlfriend wasn't there. We sat around and relaxed for a while. We only stayed for a couple of hours though. After that we dropped my brother off and then headed home.

Once home Master put the stuff away (as usual my mother sent us home with tons of stuff for the apartment) and I took the dog out. Since then we have simply been relaxing at home. Master hasn't been sleeping a lot lately, and last night was no different. Needless to say, He's pretty tired after all this running on little to no sleep.

I'm just glad I have off tomorrow.

His Family

Well, actually today was just His mother's place. But today we were contacted by His sister-in-law saying that her, His brother and His father all want to get together with us in late January. We've only hung out twice with His brother and his wife. We've seen His father a lot more, but never have we gotten together with all of them at once. So it should be a lot of fun, and no I'm not being sarcastic. I really like His brother, His sister-in-law and His father. We always have a good time. I don't know if His niece and nephew will be there or not. So far it sounds like Master's eldest sister won't be there, which is fine by us. She's a drunk and not a fun one. His two younger sisters most likely won't be there but they are both under 18 and probably will be in school or at one of there school activities.

But today we went to His mother's. We had prepared ourselves for the worst, but to be perfectly honest it wasn't bad at all. It did seem like His mother was mad at her husband, but that was about it.

Dinner was really good. She gave us plenty of food to take home. She even gave us a lot of fruit, for no reason at all. They weren't left overs from dinner. She just pulled out a bag and started tossing apples, pears and oranges in a bag and said, "Here!"

She's half Sicilian and half Polish. I'm not trying to be stereotypical but I think that's why she's always trying to get us to eat more or send us home with like two bags full of food.

After dinner we exchanged gifts. They loved their holiday mugs with candy in them. In fact, His mother made sure to tell me that the shape of her coffee cup was the shape she loves for coffee mugs. It is wide at the mouth and tapered down as it got to the bottom of the glass. Bonus there. Her husband liked his coffee mug too.

They gave us a card with a $50 gift card inside. We said thank you very much. We really appreciated it, and again I'm not being sarcastic.

Well, right before dessert His mom is standing in the kitchen leaning on the counter and asks Master if he wants some of the crackers and cheese that are sitting next to her. He kept saying no. I could tell by the look on her face and the way she insisted that she didn't really want Him to eat the crackers. She just wanted Him to come talk with her. So finally Master understood and went by His mother.

Her husband and I were sitting in the living room. We could see them, but they were talking quietly. I didn't know what was going on. I was just hoping everything was okay.

Well Master walked over to me afterward and handed me something and told me to put it in my purse. It turned out to be a $50 check. I was shocked. I mean, they had already given us a gift card. And I'm not one of those people that expect anything during the holidays. So an additional $50 out of no where? Wow.

We stayed for dessert and headed out shortly there after.

On the way home I asked Master what had been said. Apparently her husband has been sending quite a bit up to his family in Minnesota. It had annoyed her that he thought the gift card was enough. So apparently she decided that day, right before we came over, that she was going to write a check for us on top of the gift card. That was very sweet of her. I don't think her husband was trying to short us or anything. He likes us, but I think he was doing it to make up for the fact that he moved away. I think that still bothers him sometimes even though all his children are all grown.

Right when I think I know what is going on in my mother-in-law's brain she shocks me, like today. She's not all together a bad person. But she can be two faced. However, it seems as the years go on she is becoming nicer to us. I think she's starting to realize that we're all she really has as far as family goes besides her in-laws.

As I said, tonight was pretty relaxing end enjoyable.

Listless

I don't know what's up with me today but I do not feel the greatest. I'm not sick. I just feel blah and kind of listless. As a result, I'm not really acting like myself. I don't feel very affectionate and haven't most of the day. That is really unlike me. I am normally very affectionate and cuddly. It's like I'm moving through a fog. It may have something to do with just starting my period, who knows. (You're welcome for sharing that bit of information.) I feel drained of energy and just very, very blah.

Master has of course noticed all of the above and has been asking me what's wrong, what my mood is like, etc. Honestly nothing is really wrong. I'm just listless and my brain feels bogged down. It's like I'm thinking and moving in slow motion. I feel tired, but when I tried to take a nap I couldn't fall asleep.

Last night was about the same though. I had asked to stay up late when I got home because I felt very much awake. He said yes. Next thing I know I'm ready to pass out at 10:30pm.

He knew I wasn't feeling that great so He tucked me in and held me for a little while, which I greatly appreciated.

Hopefully as the night goes on this feeling will pass.

Ready, Set, Go

Well, the holidays are right around the corner. As a result, this whole week has been figuring out what time we're going where. Master and I do not host for any holiday. It's easier, and preferable, to just go to other people.

So, Saturday around 4pm we're going to His mother's. The problem is she doesn't know what time dinner is going to be ready. So we have the very real possibility of being there for two hours before we eat. That wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that we then stay for an hour or two to be polite and then suddenly when we bring up the fact that we should get home, she brings up the fact, out of no where, that there is dessert. Again, to be polite we stay and eat that. Then we stay a bit longer to again not be rude. So normally, when we go down to her place at 4pm we aren't getting out of there until 9pm and we have a 45 minute drive home. So Saturday is most likely going to be a long night. But hopefully it'll be more like last year where we actually had a decent time rather than the norm which is to be pissed off the minute we walk out the door. *fingers crossed*

Then Sunday is my family's turn. First, we're going to my mother's. We are in no way, shape or form worried about that. It's relaxed at my mother's.

Then comes my father. It's not him I'm that worried about it's his bitch of a girlfriend. But see, Master, my brother and I came up with a plan. My brother isn't looking forward to going to our dad's place either. Well, my brother's sons are being dropped off at three for him to spend time with them on Christmas. So, what we're going to end up doing is Master and I will go to my mom's and have a good time for a few hours. Then, we'll take my brother over to our dad's house. He'll act as another buffer in terms of our dad's girlfriend. We basically want to seriously outnumber the bitch so maybe she'll keep her fool mouth shut. Then, since his sons are being dropped off at three, we'll have an excuse to leave and take him home.

I don't want to sound cruel, but it is what it is. I enjoy spending time with my dad most of the time, but his girlfriend makes it so that no one really looks forward to going over there anymore. And you can't get the two of them apart. We'll spend a couple of hours and then take my brother home and go home ourselves.

That's the game plan.

Caffeine Is My Friend

I have been drinking more and more coffee at work. It actually surprises me how much I "need" these days to become fully functional while I'm at my job.

I used to be one of those coffee drinkers that only had one cup a day, maybe two. And even then I didn't want to drink more than that because it used to upset my stomach a bit. But it seems that you start building up some kind of tolerance after a while, much like alcohol. For instance, today I had four cups of coffee. And lately that's like the minimum. I think the most I've had in one work day was six cups. That was one of those days where I just could not wake up and focus. I had to keep drinking it to function, or at least it felt that way.

The odd thing is that it's not keeping me up at night. I thought it would. *shrugs*

Today was another frustrating day at the office. Not as bad as yesterday, but still.

Thankfully Master takes good care of me. Last night I was laying on the couch watching TV with Him. Normally my bedtime is between 11pm and 11:30pm.

But last night as soon as it turned 11pm Master was telling me to go to bed. I sighed a bit, but I knew that if He was sending me to bed at 11pm I must need the rest. Sometimes I don't really admit to myself how tired I am. And then there are the times where I don't even realize how tired I am until my head hits the pillow and I'm under the covers.

Master came into the bedroom and tucked me in though. When He tucks me in He has me get comfortable on the bed, makes sure my alarm is set and then He lays on top of the covers next to me and puts His arm around me. We lay like that for a little while with some light talking. Then eventually He kisses my forehead, tells me to sleep well and then goes back to the living room.

That's exactly what happened last night and as soon as I rolled over I passed out.

It's a good thing I have Him to take care of me, otherwise I'm 95% sure I would have run myself into the ground by this point.

Small Breakdown

Well, I wouldn't even really call it a breakdown. Just a minor slip of the gears in my head. I was at work today, obviously, and I was getting more and more frustrated with my job. The kinks have been worked out of the new process, now it's just convincing our clients that yes, we really do need all the information we are requesting. And no, I don't want a 20 page report to sift through in order to find said information. As if I am only working on that one case. Pfft.

It was towards the end of the day and I was sitting at my desk. I was trying to convince myself to not tear up papers on my desk. Thankfully, I was able to control that urge. But shortly there after I just started crying out of nowhere. I was able to get myself under enough control to stop crying and wipe my eyes until I made it to the bathroom. Once there, I immediately shut myself into one of the stalls and allowed the crying to take it's course.

I haven't cried like that in a long time. I think it was some kind of pressure release valve that had to be vented.

It was odd, but I did feel better afterwards.

I told Master about it immediately. He keeps a strict eye on such things, thankfully. About an hour after it started it was as if it hadn't happened at all. Weird.

One thing I did do today was e-mail HR. Due to privacy laws they cannot request information on any medical disorders you have or what medications you are on. With the two meds I am on, there can be severe side effects if mixed with certain other drugs. So I finally sent HR and e-mail and stated that I would like to voluntarily provide the medications I am on and what dosage. I did not provide the condition (bipolar disorder) that I am taking them for. I'm sure legally they wouldn't even be able to look up the meds to know what they are for.

No one at my job knows that I am bipolar and I want to keep it that way if at all possible. I am not so much embarrassed by it but concerned that it could somehow be seen as a condition that would hinder my job. But to be perfectly honest, with my work ethic and proof of my work being sound I don't see that happening, even if they did know. However, I do not want to take chances.

If they were to find out though and somehow I was "magically" found to be an unneeded asset, you bet your bottom dollar I would sue. I'm not above that.

Like I said though, I don't see the management at my company to be that petty, especially with a strong work ethic and having been moved from the title of clerk to analyst in less than a year, by my request no less.

Even with that though, I choose to be cautious.

A Weekend Of Being Used

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Jealous

My brother and I sent texts back and forth today. He sent me a text this morning (my brother hates to talk on the phone) stating that he had gotten up the money to get a tattoo when he comes up. His exact words: "Are you excited to watch me suffer?" Why yes, yes I am. *smirks* And not because he's my baby brother. Well, my baby brother who will be 27 years old soon. There are only 22 months between us. My mom and dad wasted no time apparently.

Ever since I started getting tattoos, which was 10 years ago, he has been wanting one. I got my first tattoo shortly after my 18th birthday. In the past 10 years I have "collected" 11 tattoos. I plan on collecting at least one more. I would like to make it to 13 though. Why? I'm not sure. I'm sure there is some kind of weird twisted part of my brain that thinks it'd be cool, simply because it's the number 13.

Anyway, like I said he has been wanting to get inked for at least 10 years. When I got mine at 18, he couldn't wait to turn 18 and get one.

Unfortunately he was never able to do that until now. I know he's a little nervous about it and I don't blame him for that. Most people are. But since my first one I have become addicted. As soon as I get my next one (which is finally planned out completely) I plan on starting to get touch ups on the ones I have that could use it.

But back to my brother. He is excited and he wanted to make sure that my Husband and I are there when he gets his first one. As I said I have 11 tattoos and Master has 6. So my brother trusts us and he feels it will be a bonding experience on some level. Plus, since he's nervous I'm sure he wants us there for moral support basically.

The title of the post is, I'm sure, rather obvious. I won't have the money to get ink; and I thought it would have been fun for us to get ink at the same time. But, I don't want to blow our budget out of the water, so I'll wait.

I'm being responsible instead of impulsive. I hate it, but I'm doing it. (Damn responsibility is standing in the way of one of my addictions!)

So in three weeks my brother will be visiting and we'll be taking him to get inked. Rock on!

Teach An Old Dog New Tricks

Okay, so I'm not old. And I'm not a dog. But still....

I've been thinking about this whole getting a new job thing. On one hand it will suck. Why? Well, lets go down the list shall we?

I know I have good health insurance now, and I don't know exactly what I'd be walking into. Although, I do plan on asking if I feel the interview is going well.

I've been at my job almost three years. It's the longest job I've had. I know that doesn't sound like a lot but it's pretty impressive to me.

I can wear jeans to work. It's comfortable.

I like my supervisor.

That's about it. And really, they aren't that big of a deal.

I didn't mention job security, even though the field I work in is most definitely not going away anytime soon. But then again, in my mind, no job is secure. Once you start feeling secure in your job, in my opinion, that's when things could go wrong. I always try to continue and be better at what I'm doing and grabbing management's eyes for good reasons.

The bonuses to finding a new job:

I am striving for a job closer to home or at least on a bus line. That way I can pay my monthly bus pass fee and be good. But preferably I would like the job to be close enough to home that I can take the car back and forth and gas prices won't rape me in the process. My current job, even though I feel I am making a good wage, is far enough from home that it would almost not make any sense when you toss the amount of gas a month into the mix. Right now I carpool, which is the only reason I'm not actively looking for a job right now.

Being able to wear jeans to work is all well and good. But I'm getting to the point, which oddly enough I never thought I would say, where I want to have to dress up a bit to go to work. And I'm not talking about khakis and a polo shirt. I'm talking business professional clothing. I don't know why. I think on some level it's a mental thing. When I had to wear an uniform (waitress, cashier) I felt like an idiot. I hated them. At my last job I only had to wear khakis which at the time was fine. But now that I'm getting a little older I want to feel like I'm going to a "grown up" white collar job. Right now, even though the work I do is extremely serious, it doesn't feel that way. By the way, I am in no way, shape or form belittling anyone's job. You do what you have to do to make your mother fucking movie check! (Hello, Jay and Silent Bob reference.) I'm just saying where I would like to go and what I want.

I feel that I have reached my peak at my job, as far as "title" goes. I can of course learn other aspects of the department, but that will not effect my pay wage. You still just get your yearly bonus, which sucks ass. Especially since there are so many different parts of the department.

That's about it.

So why the title of the post?

Well, I was thinking that even though I'm not enrolling in college or anything of that sort, I can get certificates. I can become certified in Microsoft Office suite. And for the type of work I want to do, that would come in really handy and look great on a resume.

I'm going to be doing some research on that this weekend to see what the cost is and all that. Hopefully I can go somewhere with the idea.

Memory Lane

Well, I couldn't really think of anything to write about today, so I went journal prompt hunting and found this one:

Share a favorite childhood memory.

I'm starting to realize that I don't remember a lot of crystal clear childhood memories. Why? I'm not sure. I just don't. Hell, I'm not even that old.

I would have to say that one of my favorite childhood memories was sleeping over at my paternal grandparents' house.

When my brother and I were really young we would go to Grandma's to sleepover. I mean, yes Grandpa was there too, but he worked so much that most of our time was spent with Grandma.

She would pull out a small mattress for each of us. She had a spare bedroom with two beds, but we always thought it was more fun to sleep on a mattress on the floor of their living room. We would watch movies and eat popcorn. For dinner she would normally make pizza and then cut it into tiny squares. She would help us build a fort out of their dining room table. Their dining room table was huge so it was one hell of a fort, let me tell ya.

She would sleep out on the couch when we stayed over. I remember waking up a few times when their grandfather clock would chime. I would look over and see Grandma on the couch and I would climb onto the couch with her. Then eventually I would go back to the mattress on the floor.

When we woke up in the morning she would allow us to help her make homemade waffles. The funniest thing was when it came time to cut them, she would do it herself and she would cut them into shapes of animals.

After breakfast we'd watch cartoons and then go play in her yard for a while. Or, if it was summer, we'd go outside and help her with her garden.

We always hated leaving. We always wanted to stay "just one more day".

Come On January!

Well, my brother figured it out as far as the weekend of the 6th goes. He actually called me shortly after I finished last night's post. Apparently he convinced one of his friends to babysit his two boys until their mother pick them up. He'll only be staying that Friday night and will have to be home before 3pm on Saturday. No biggie there. In a way, it's probably a good thing that he's only staying one night. It's not that I don't enjoy spending time with him, because I do. But I also value my alone time with Master. And honestly, it's a little awkward to be fully dressed at all times while I'm at home. It's weird as hell, actually.

Not a lot is going on besides that. Next week is Christmas, so at least I get the following Monday off, which will be nice.

I just really want it to be January. It's not that I don't want to spend time with my family for the holidays, because I do. It's just that in January we have the ability to go out and have some fun for a change. I mean Master and I can have fun just staying at home;. but we're looking forward to the opportunity to just go out. We haven't done that, by ourselves, in a very long time. Lately when we go out it's with my brother or His father. It's all well and good, but it's not the same. I also plan on buying a few things for my "professional" work wear. Not a lot, but just get that ball rolling. As of March, or shortly there after, I'll be looking for a new job simply because the driver of the carpool plans on heading out sooner or later and I don't feel like making a 45 minute drive one way every day.

Then again I loved it when my job was downtown. It was a lot easier. As soon as they moved to the next county it just sucked ass. Still does.

Basically, I want a job closer to home, with the same or higher pay. I know. I'm asking a lot. But at least I have some time to be choosy before jumping ship.

Can't Make Plans

The plan is/was for my brother to come up the weekend of the 6th so that we can hang out and celebrate his birthday early. (He'll be 27.) All was well and good. I thought we had this locked down.

This evening I sent him a text asking if he was staying both Friday night and Saturday night or just that Friday. He sent me a text back saying that I would have to ask our mother. That made me do a double take.

A little back story. He lives upstairs from our mother because he's down on his luck, the poor guy. He's trying to get back on his feet but for the time being, he lives there.

So I sent a text back and was like "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!"

Rather than going back and forth on text, even though he hates talking on the phone, he called me. It turns out that the mother of his two sons keeps changing which weekends he has their children. Basically she's totally ignoring the child support/visitation order. My brother normally does give a fuck because he's currently unemployed. He is going to college though, so as long as it doesn't fuck with his class schedule he's normally okay.

Turns out that the weekend of the 6th was supposed to be his weekend off from the kids. Turns out she now wants to flip the script and have him have the children that weekend. So when he said I'd have to ask our mother it was because he would need her to babysit.

I flat out told my brother that there was no way in hell I was going to ask our mother to watch his kids from 3pm to 9pm Friday and 9am to whenever on Saturday. Nope. And it makes no sense what so ever to drive 45 minutes to pick him up at 9pm Friday night just to turn around and take the 45 minute drip back down there to drop him off by 9am Saturday.

It'd be a waste and we wouldn't get a lot of time together at all. So I told him that he needs to figure it out and let me know. Either tell his ex that he can't have the kids that weekend or just stay home. Either way I want to know sooner rather than later so I know whats going on and it's not a last minute thing.

So I basically told him to figure out his "baby mamma drama" and get back to me.

I do admit I'm really hoping he can come up that weekend. We always have a lot of fun hanging out. Really it'd be the only weekend we could easily swing it.

I really, really dislike his ex. I always did. She's a cunt on wheels let me tell ya. If things don't go her way, she throws a hissy fit like a five year old. She behaves worse than their 6 year old does. 

Update

Work was rough today. I tried to concentrate as best I could, but it wasn't really working. Thankfully my mother kept me up to date on everything. Grandpa actually ended up going into surgery an hour and a half early. This surprised me a bit.

She let me know when he was out of surgery and when he was in the recovering room. After that they moved him to his personal room. He was eating a few hours later. He didn't really want to, but since he is diabetic it really couldn't be helped. He will be staying the night for observation and as long as all is well they'll be sending him home early tomorrow afternoon. For whatever reason when I was told that the surgery went well I still wasn't able to fully relax. I was calmer than I had been, but I was still on edge about it.

I'm sure he'll be fine and I thank you all for your well wishes and thoughts. I'm still not really able to concentrate, so I'll just cut the post off here.

Worried

I've been jittery all day. Master has been doing His best to cheer me up. He let me cuddle while sitting His lap. He let me pick what we were watching. He's just overall been very sweet.

Tomorrow my grandfather is going in for surgery. He is getting a pacemaker put in. To be honest with you, I'm a bit surprised they are doing it due to his prior medical history. However, they really do not have a choice. If he doesn't get the pacemaker, he does not have long to live. His heart is not working properly. As a result, he is not getting enough blood up to his brain. He does not have Alzheimer syndrome. But he can be talking just fine one moment and then suddenly he's talking about my dad and he says that he is my uncle. Or he'll say that my brother's two boys are my children. It's just very saddening and scary all at the same time.

I've been trying not to think about tomorrow all this past week and weekend, but somehow it still keeps creeping into my mind. Today, of course, is harder. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I really don't. I don't feel like I will be able to really focus. I know that some people say you should keep yourself busy in these types of situations but I know that tomorrow I'm not going to be able to provide my full attention to my job.

I wish I could call in. Unfortunately I am out of personal time and vacation days. They will not renew until March. But honestly, if the worst should happen and my grandfather passes away, I'm going to explain the situation to them and leave. I can't see myself finding out that he has passed and then just keep working for however many hours.

He is going into surgery at 1pm. And I know from that point forward every minute is going to drag for me and I'm going to be glancing at my phone on and off, wondering if it's going to ring.

It's not that I don't think he is a strong willed man, I know that he is. But on the flip side of that coin he has had about five heart attacks, two bypass surgeries and is diabetic to boot. Not to mention the fact that he keeps talking about going to see my grandmother. My grandmother had passed away when I was pretty young. He has never remarried, he has not had a girlfriend, he has not even gone on a date. He was 52 when she passed. He's now 72 years old. My grandmother was his life. He has been saying for at least 5 years that he just wants to go see (insert my grandmother's name). But he won't give up on keeping up with his own health, thankfully. He once told my mother that he was worried that if he did it would be considered a form of suicide and then he wouldn't be able to see her.

I know that whatever happens happens, and there is nothing I can do about it. So I'm just going to keep him in my thoughts and wait for the news one way or another.

Holiday Shopping

Tis the season to spend money. Well, even though our finances are usually tight, thankfully on this past paycheck we had more than usual. That's always a good thing. Apparently working my ass off has paid off a little bit.

But even still, I'm one frugal bitch, let me tell ya. The past few years Master and I have been getting all the adults in the family the same thing. By that I mean they all get the same present. Two years ago everyone got holiday themed coffee cups. Last year they all got holiday tins with a lot of candy in them. This year? Well this year I kind of combined the two. All the adults are getting a holiday themed coffee mug with candy in it. Not very creative, I know, but I think they'll like them.

I got my nephews some toy cars, the same amount of cars so they can't fight over them. We got Master's niece a coloring book and crayons. We got his nephew (who is literally only a month old) some little booties with puppy dog faces on them and a fleece blanket. I also bought some things we needed for around the house, tape and gift wrap.

After a few more stops I had picked up my medication, soda, dog food and rabbit food.

I had gone shopping by myself. Master wasn't feeling good this morning and I didn't want to wait until tomorrow to get the running done. Plus, I was able to take advantage of the situation. Master had said that He didn't want me to get Him anything for the holidays. It wasn't an order though, so I ignored it. *smirks*

He has been missing a video game that He use to have, so I went to the video game store and picked that game up. Granted it's a used copy, but it's not like He cares as long as it works. It's Splatter House. He had traded it in a while back to get a different game He wanted, but recently He has been talking about it quite a bit. So I was sneaky and picked it up for Him.

When I got back home Master helped me bring everything in and put everything away. I had sneaked the game in by putting it in a different bag. I made sure that He didn't touch the bag. Once it was all said and done I told Him that He had to sit down. He looked at me like I was crazy, but I said "Master, sit down and close Your eyes please."

Again He gave me that look of, "What have you been up to?", which was kind of cute. He sat down, closed His eyes and looked impatient. I took the game out of the bag that I had buried it in and placed it in His hands. I said "Happy Holidays" and He opened His eyes. It was like He was a little kid getting a holiday present early. That put a big smile on my face. He put it in almost immediately and has been rocking out on it since.

So 95% of the holiday shopping is done. I couldn't figure out what to get His two little sisters. One is 14 and the other is 10. Yeah, His dad had his last child at the age of 50. All told Master has one brother and three sisters, all of them younger than Him.

But since I know we won't be seeing His dad again until January, I figured I had time to figure it out later.

Now I'm just relaxing and enjoying the rest of my Saturday.

Long But Enjoyable Day

Today has been almost non-stop running. Although since it was such an enjoyable day (minus the cold weather) I can't complain.

When I got up this morning to go to work I noticed that Master was not in bed. I figured He was just in the bathroom or something, but it turns out He was sitting on our couch with the dog, reading a book. Apparently He had a really bad case of insomnia last night. My poor Master. I know how much insomnia sucks and I also know it's not healthy. He's had this for at least three weeks. He hasn't been able to get more than a few hours of sleep at a time. However, He was kind enough to take the dog out for me, which was really sweet of Him.

He went back to bed shortly after I got up. I got ready for work and thankfully the whopping four hours I was there went by at a decent rate. The ride home kind of sucked. Traffic on the interstate was fine, but as soon as we got on city streets it got clogged up. As a result I was home 15 minutes later than usual. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal but we were meeting my father-in-law for lunch at 1pm. I got home at 12:45pm. So I basically walked in the door to announce I was home, Master tossed on His jacket and off we went. Amazingly we were still there on time.

Lunch was a blast. My father-in-law has a lot of stories to tell about himself and his extended family. It's great. There is never an awkward silence. We were there for about an hour and a half before having to say goodbye. He always gives me a nice big bear hug. *smiles*

It's always kind of funny though because he has to bend down so far to hug me. He's taller than Master, and that's saying something. I'm 5ft 1inch. Master is 6ft 4inches and His father is 6ft 6 inches. I am surrounded by giants.

After we said our goodbyes Master and I had some errands to run. We went to the store to check off some of the presents we need to buy for people. The store was of course packed, but even with that we were still out of there relatively quickly. We ran to another store, got what we needed there and then hit Walgreens.

After that, we were finally able to go home. I think we got back about 5pm. Since that point though Master has allowed me to be lazy and comfortable. He said He is going to work on my lower back tonight, which I'm looking forward to. And He's also giving me the day off from taking the dog out tomorrow. Bonus!

So, like I said, it's been a long but enjoyable day.

Fuck This Week

This week has been really rough on me. My job has been kicking my ass and I'm still not fully sure what the hell is going on. Why am I not sure? Because my supervisor isn't sure, that's why.

So I have this work load that is getting backlogged because I don't know exactly how I should proceed and it's driving me insane. I am one of those employees who wants to stay on top of my case load so that I have time to catch up on the small stuff as much as possible. That's me. The somewhat over achiever. Not because I'm trying to impress anyone, although apparently I do, it's because it gives me breathing room.

And this whole week there has been one thing or another when I'm home that must be taken care of or is extremely frustrating. It's not anything to do with Master, it has to do with services we are paying for that aren't working correctly. Fuckers.

I am so glad that tomorrow is Friday. And it's my half day at that. Once I get home we'll be having lunch with my father-in-law, so I'm looking forward to that. I really like my father-in-law. I see a lot of Master in him, now that I've gotten to know him better. He's a cool guy. He calls me a firecracker. *grins* And he even told Master that he has to bring me with tomorrow. It's nice knowing that he enjoys having me around as well and I'm not some kind of awkward third wheel that he has to put up with just because I'm married to his son, ya know?

After that we have some errands to run, but nothing major and we should be able to knock them out fairly quickly.

Crazy As Hell

I was reading blogs today and one particular post got my mind spinning a little, so I decided to come over here and talk about it.

Some people think that mental disorders are basically all in your head. And by that, I mean that people think it's all talk and made up shit because "back in the day" people weren't diagnosed with such and such. It's just shit we make up to "justify" how certain people act. I know better. I know that I am bipolar. I know that it's not just me being a bitch or a drama queen. It's a chemical imbalance and I need help regulating it by managing it with medication. And even then it has to be the right medication. Plus, who's to say that people weren't bipolar or depressed or have what ever other mental disorder. We just didn't have the diagnosis.

Bipolar disorder gets worse with age. I'm a classic example of that. I would have mood swings but they never seemed that bad, at least not to me. And even Master will tell you that in the beginning of our relationship they weren't nearly as severe as they were when I hit about 25. It was at that time that I basically starting going all over the place in my head, in my moods, etc. I would break down sobbing sometimes because I didn't know why the fuck I was acting or thinking the way I was.

I seriously thought I had completely lost my shit. I don't know if Master thought that as well, but I will say that He was as supportive as I would let Him be. Notice how I worded that. If I was flying high or going into one hell of an aggressive state, I wouldn't allow Him to help me. Either I was way either way too happy to listen or I was way too pissed off. But when I was down and depressed and felt like I couldn't cope with anything but a deep dark hole for me to crawl into I would depend on Him to help prop me back up.

It was all incredibly unfair to Him. I admit that and I feel guilty for it. He tells me that I shouldn't feel guilty, but when you put the ones you love through hell and back and you finally get help managing your chemical imbalance.. you start to realize what had actually been happening. Admittedly it's not all clear. I can really only catch glimpses of memory when I was in those states, but it's enough.

If it wasn't for Him though I never would have sought help. I am lucky to have Him. If He had given up  on me and just said fuck it, I don't know what I would have done.

I know my medication isn't a cure, but I do know that I am almost a completely different person now. I mean, I'm still me. I'm still Kitten, but I'm a much more centered and balanced Kitten, which makes a hell of a difference let me tell ya.

Blog Stalking!

Well, I decided I wanted to do a journal prompt today since my job is pretty much kicking my ass at the moment and I really don't want to just keep posting about that.

So, today's journal prompt is:

"Do you read other submissives’ journals and blogs? What do you learn from those you read? Do you compare your dynamic with theirs?"

Um, yes I do read other blogs that deal with a dynamic of one kind or another. *points to blog roll*

I think it would be kind of boring just typing away all the time on my blog but never go off to read others. I mean, I would still enjoy my blog. I would still enjoy writing. But I also like to peek in and see what others are doing too. No, I'm not a stalker. Honest. I've been reading blogs longer than I've had my own. It's actually how I first got interested in blogging and Master encouraged it.

I've been blogging since about 2007, so yeah.. I've been reading blogs for a while.

I'd say that I've learned and keep learning the fact that everyone's dynamic is ultimately different from anyone other dynamic you may come across.

I know that some people want to try and shove you into this little box and define how things should be. Not to mention that if you aren't doing it their way you are obviously wrong. I've learned that not so much from blogging but from social networks for kinky people. Slave Register and Fetlife being two of them. Master and I were both members of each of those at one time. We would browse the forums and what not. And it just seemed that everyone wanted to classify everyone else. You're doing this wrong, you're doing that wrong. You're not a slave, you're a wannabe. You know, that sort of thing. It's like High School where you are in cliques. Jock, nerd, popular, shy, etc. It seems no matter what people want you to fit into a particular category and Gods help you if you try and blur the lines a bit. Holy hell.

Those are the main reasons Master and I are no longer members of those kind of social networks. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with people going to such things, but it's just not for us. We have our own ways of doing things and that's how we like it. I identify as a slave and obviously Master identifies as a Master. The definitions, unless you're going to a dictionary, don't apply to everyone. What we consider to be our dynamic may not be recognizable to someone else as what we label it.

I also learn from other blogs in so far as sometimes it triggers an idea in my head. Something I may want to try or talk about. That sort of thing.

Do I compare out dynamic to others? Not really. I mean I look at things the way I look at things. I can't change my line of thinking to fit what I'm reading. But on the flip side of that coin, I don't judge anyone. I know their dynamic is different, I know their lives are different and who am I to say that they are wrong and I'm right? I simply just enjoy reading other blogs. I'm sure not everyone who stops by here to read understands with or agrees with what we have outlined as Master and slave. *shrugs* No biggie there.

What A Great Way To Start The Week

*Note: The title is sarcastic.*

Well, it started off as any other Monday. I didn't want to get out of bed. The bed was warm, Master was laying next to me and I knew as soon as I got out of bed I'd be chilled. Fun. I just wanted to shut the alarm off, cuddle back up to Master and pull the comforter over my head. Of course that couldn't happen.

So I got up, got ready for work, took care of the dog and then waited for the carpool to come pick me up. Traffic sucked and we barely got to work on time. We're still working the kinks out of the new process and forms at work. I worked a half hour on one document, basing it off of what I had learned in the three training courses we had. I wanted to double check it with my supervisor since this is the first time I actually had to put it into practice. It's a good thing I did. Apparently I had done it incorrectly as we had recently made more changes. So that was a half hour wasted. I had to start from scratch. That took me another 45 minutes. Fuck.

Needless to say the work day sucked balls, in a very non-sexy way. On the way home Master calls me to tell me there is a problem that we have to handle when I get home. I don't want to go into details about it, but basically I spent over an hour and a half on the phone with two different companies and while the problem was fixed, I wanted a refund from one of the companies because it was their fuck up. I upped it to a supervisor when the representative told me she was not authorized to give refunds. The fucking dick head supervisor kept blowing me off, quoting Terms and Conditions. Bitch I know all abut Terms and Conditions. I've done call center work before that is customer service based. But apparently, this company doesn't own up to it's mistakes. Master even got on the phone with them after me bitching at them for a good half hour. You know it's bad when Master gets on the phone. He hates talking on the phone. And He had me originally handle it because I keep track of these things. I know I didn't fuck up. Master knows I didn't fuck up. This was totally on the company. But oh no. Can't be them.

Even after Master bitching for an additional 20 minutes we still got no where. *sigh* After that Master and I watched a movie. Then we noticed that it was getting colder in the apartment, now that the temperature is dropping more and more. So at 9pm we decide it's time to put up the plastic sheeting on the window in the living room and the one in the bedroom. We did it together, cause it really is a two person job.

Once that was done He took care of the rabbits and I took care of the dog. It's almost 10pm and I still have to take my bath. If the phone calls hadn't taken as long, or needed to be done at all, I would have had everything knocked out by now.

Thankfully Master is allowing me to stay up until midnight. So I'm off to go soak in the bath cause I'm sore and stiff as hell.

Please let tomorrow be better.

Ramble On

Okay, I knew I didn't have anything to blog about. I even told Master that, but since He already let me slide once this week I wasn't getting away with it tonight. It's not that I don't want to blog, it's just that I can't think of anything to blog about.

Hm. Nope. Still nothing. I even went to the submissive journal prompt website and did the "random prompt" thing but every time one came up I didn't really feel anything. I couldn't find something that I felt I wanted to write. I think I'm just in a kind of, "Eh" mindset right now. I had a headache all day long yesterday and woke up with it again today. It just went about about two hours ago. That doesn't help. I was pretty cranky today but once my headache finally left I've just been kind of here. I'm enjoying my night and everything, but my brain feels empty.

Although I do want to dye my hair sometime soon. You see, Master had allowed me to buy some box color hair dye and it had this really cool red color. I'm a brunette. It wasn't a natural red, it was more of an auburn. So I dyed my hair and it doesn't look bad or anything. It just didn't turn out the way I thought it would and I'm not thrilled about it.

My mother had a box of medium brown hair dye. She had bought it for my aunt because it was on sale; come to find out my aunt had gone to a darker brown. So I got it.

I am just waiting a little while before dying my hair again. I don't want it any more damaged than it has to be. I thought about doing it this weekend but I think I'll wait. Hell I might get sick of waiting and do it in the middle of the week. Who knows.

So. Um. Yeah. That's all I got.

Work Week From Hell

Last night I asked Master if I could skip my post last night because I had really rough day at work and I just wanted to decompress. He allowed it, which I appreciated. However, today was not any better. Those changes to the main part of my job went into effect this week. Problem being is that we still don't know everything that we're supposed to do and we still don't know everything we have to get from our clients in order to complete our paperwork. You have got to be fucking kidding me. So needless to say it's been a really hectic and stressful work week. This morning I thought we had most of it down. But then as the day progressed I got several e-mails from my supervisor telling us x, y, z were changed. It was insane.

This means that I couldn't really do my job. And the stuff I had almost all ready to go, now has to be changed over to the new format. I had a bad headache about two hours into the work day and it still hasn't fully gone away. I'm frustrated and still trying to unwind. The stress of all these changes and updates and not knowing what the hell to do for the past week actually gave me a nervous tick right under my left eye. I used to get that at my last job. This sucks.

However, in good news I do believe I found the ring I want with Master's birthstone in it. Wanna see? Of course you do.

Pretty isn't it? And it's on sale! Yay! So now all I have to do is hope that it remains on sale and doesn't go out of stock by the time I can afford it. I just think it's breathtaking. By the way, Master loves it too.

But one thing I have no idea about, is what finger you wear an anniversary ring on? Is it the ring finger on your right hand? Does it go on top of your wedding ring? I'm just curious what the "traditional" way of doing it is, even though I'll probably end up wearing it on the ring finger of my right hand. That makes the most sense to me, but I don't know what is "normally" done.