Some people think that mental disorders are basically all in your head. And by that, I mean that people think it's all talk and made up shit because "back in the day" people weren't diagnosed with such and such. It's just shit we make up to "justify" how certain people act. I know better. I know that I am bipolar. I know that it's not just me being a bitch or a drama queen. It's a chemical imbalance and I need help regulating it by managing it with medication. And even then it has to be the right medication. Plus, who's to say that people weren't bipolar or depressed or have what ever other mental disorder. We just didn't have the diagnosis.
Bipolar disorder gets worse with age. I'm a classic example of that. I would have mood swings but they never seemed that bad, at least not to me. And even Master will tell you that in the beginning of our relationship they weren't nearly as severe as they were when I hit about 25. It was at that time that I basically starting going all over the place in my head, in my moods, etc. I would break down sobbing sometimes because I didn't know why the fuck I was acting or thinking the way I was.
I seriously thought I had completely lost my shit. I don't know if Master thought that as well, but I will say that He was as supportive as I would let Him be. Notice how I worded that. If I was flying high or going into one hell of an aggressive state, I wouldn't allow Him to help me. Either I was way either way too happy to listen or I was way too pissed off. But when I was down and depressed and felt like I couldn't cope with anything but a deep dark hole for me to crawl into I would depend on Him to help prop me back up.
It was all incredibly unfair to Him. I admit that and I feel guilty for it. He tells me that I shouldn't feel guilty, but when you put the ones you love through hell and back and you finally get help managing your chemical imbalance.. you start to realize what had actually been happening. Admittedly it's not all clear. I can really only catch glimpses of memory when I was in those states, but it's enough.
If it wasn't for Him though I never would have sought help. I am lucky to have Him. If He had given up on me and just said fuck it, I don't know what I would have done.
I know my medication isn't a cure, but I do know that I am almost a completely different person now. I mean, I'm still me. I'm still Kitten, but I'm a much more centered and balanced Kitten, which makes a hell of a difference let me tell ya.
This really struck a cord with me. Master has a few issues that can't be seen like that. I've tried talking to people about blow ups when i need to vent and they just don't get it. It's like hitting your head against a terribly frustrating, spikey wall.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand where you're coming from! There is a certain stigma associated with mental disorders. And unfortunately it can also hurt the person who has it by making them not want to admit it to those around them for fear of being judged by it, as if that's the only thing about you and you must be REALLY fucked up. Ya know? And it also makes it difficult for the people who have loved ones with a mental disorder because when they vent or want to talk about it people don't understand. They just look at you and go "Why do you put up with it?"
ReplyDeleteIt's not fair.