Worried

I've been jittery all day. Master has been doing His best to cheer me up. He let me cuddle while sitting His lap. He let me pick what we were watching. He's just overall been very sweet.

Tomorrow my grandfather is going in for surgery. He is getting a pacemaker put in. To be honest with you, I'm a bit surprised they are doing it due to his prior medical history. However, they really do not have a choice. If he doesn't get the pacemaker, he does not have long to live. His heart is not working properly. As a result, he is not getting enough blood up to his brain. He does not have Alzheimer syndrome. But he can be talking just fine one moment and then suddenly he's talking about my dad and he says that he is my uncle. Or he'll say that my brother's two boys are my children. It's just very saddening and scary all at the same time.

I've been trying not to think about tomorrow all this past week and weekend, but somehow it still keeps creeping into my mind. Today, of course, is harder. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I really don't. I don't feel like I will be able to really focus. I know that some people say you should keep yourself busy in these types of situations but I know that tomorrow I'm not going to be able to provide my full attention to my job.

I wish I could call in. Unfortunately I am out of personal time and vacation days. They will not renew until March. But honestly, if the worst should happen and my grandfather passes away, I'm going to explain the situation to them and leave. I can't see myself finding out that he has passed and then just keep working for however many hours.

He is going into surgery at 1pm. And I know from that point forward every minute is going to drag for me and I'm going to be glancing at my phone on and off, wondering if it's going to ring.

It's not that I don't think he is a strong willed man, I know that he is. But on the flip side of that coin he has had about five heart attacks, two bypass surgeries and is diabetic to boot. Not to mention the fact that he keeps talking about going to see my grandmother. My grandmother had passed away when I was pretty young. He has never remarried, he has not had a girlfriend, he has not even gone on a date. He was 52 when she passed. He's now 72 years old. My grandmother was his life. He has been saying for at least 5 years that he just wants to go see (insert my grandmother's name). But he won't give up on keeping up with his own health, thankfully. He once told my mother that he was worried that if he did it would be considered a form of suicide and then he wouldn't be able to see her.

I know that whatever happens happens, and there is nothing I can do about it. So I'm just going to keep him in my thoughts and wait for the news one way or another.