How Kitten Got Her Groove Back

I've been on my medication for exactly 32 days. I'm now on the full dosage of medication.

Over the years I always thought it was just depression, not thinking about the other extremes my mental state seemed to go through. Why? Because depression is what I had been diagnosed with in my early teens. I never thought it could be anything else. And I have been proven wrong.

When I think back through all the time I'd wasted in not getting help and thinking I didn't need medication and that it was just stress, it would pass, I'd be fine. You know, that thing called denial.

And Master has always, always tried to get me to open up about it. And now and then I'd tell Him I felt depressed. I had no idea that I was bi-polar, because I had been misdiagnosed when I was younger. And I had so many bad experiences with shrinks and medications in the past that I basically refused to believe that is what I needed.

And in doing all that I hurt not only myself, but my Husband. I have put Him through a lot, and it hurts me to know that. But I do have to say that since starting the medication and it building up in my system I feel great. I still feel stress and I still feel angry or sad, or whatever... but it's controllable. It's not one extreme or another. And it sure in the hell isn't a sudden, violent, shift from one to the other. To the point that it would make my head spin, let alone my poor Master's.

But if there is one thing that Master has always told me, we get past things, we deal with it, and we move on. And so I am doing my best to not dwell on it. I do my best to just be thankful that I am getting help now and I am on the medication I need to be on. Thankfully on the first try.

Master has commented on how things are going so much more smoothly these days, and that I seem like myself again. In control of myself again. And I know exactly what He's talking about.

I actually feel like I did when we were first married. Submissive, docile, feeling that drive to please Him. I am feeling very much in love (not that that ever went away) and very happy. We've still got stress, we've still got worries, but I am able to deal with them much more appropriately.

I have been pleasing to Him, and in turn that is making me very happy. I'm still playful, and I'm still silly, but I'm not snapping back at Him when He gives me an order. I'm not rolling my eyes when He tells me to do something. And I'm not feeling like I can't feel anything, like I did when I was in a very low, dark place in my head.

I'm me again. The me I always knew was there, but didn't know how to hold onto. And I've been this way for almost a month. Like I said, the medication takes time to kick in as it has to build up in your system. And now that I'm on the full dose of medication I only feel better.

I feel sexy, attractive. I have self confidence once more. I feel like His slave, His whore, His wife. I am His and His completely, and I'm what He knew me to be and what He's been trying to pull out of me. I am not perfect, but He doesn't want perfect. Perfection is not real. And I am very real.