Doing Better

Since I've started my therapy sessions, and my medication, I feel that I've been doing a lot better. I don't cycle like I use to. And since I started the 50mgs I've noticed a significant difference. And I am going up to 100mgs so I can only imagine how much better I'm going to feel once I'm on those for a little while.

I've been doing good for three weeks. And then last night I had a slip. Master had been asking me if something was wrong on and off through out the night. I didn't notice that I was acting different, probably because I wasn't paying attention to how I was moving or the tone of my voice. So I just told Him nothing and went about whatever I was doing.

Then this morning I was e-mailing Master my daily e-mail about where my mood is. Even though I'm on medication I still do this. I think it's good for both of us, and so does He.

And while I'm writing this e-mail about today's mood, I started thinking about last night. It's amazing how clearly you can think when you're not fully awake.

And I realized that last night I was irritated due to the heavy work load and not being able to do much overtime, and it had been showing in my actions and my tone of my voice without even really realizing it. And so I explained that to Him, and I apologized.

Why did I apologize? Because I've really been trying hard to keep track of my moods, and realizing which one I'm in so I can either try to correct myself, or at least inform Master of it.

A lot of people think, "Well, it's your mood. You should know!"

Yeah. It doesn't quite work like that. If I'm in one of the three extremes (mania, depression, severe aggression/anger) that I seem to cycle through quite freely without my medication, then I can tell very easily. But if I'm in one of the less severe ranges of any of the three.. I may not notice until after the fact.

And I know it disappointed Master that I didn't notice, since I've been doing so good. And I also know that I lied to Him last night, without even meaning to or really realizing I had done so until the next morning.

So while I don't always want to look at myself under a microscope, I do have to make sure that I am always honest with my Husband. That is extremely important to me.

And so I told Him today that from now on, if He asks me what's wrong, I'll do my very best to realize that He is asking me that because He is noticing something I'm not. So if I don't realize that I'm acting different, and He asks me if anything is wrong or something similar, I'm going to not answer right away with my (hopefully-soon-to-be-old) habit "Nothing". Instead I'll do my best to take a moment and think, and then answer as honestly as possible. Even if I have to say, "I'm not sure," at least that will be honest.

Honesty is important between my Husband and I. It is the most important thing in our marriage, actually.

I'm not beating myself up over this slip, but it has made me more mindful of such things. Which is a good thing.