It seems that Master and I are not the only ones breaking traditions this year. For Thanksgiving we stayed home by ourselves. We didn't go see family or friends at all. We enjoyed the whole four day weekend I had by ourselves, and I loved it.
But this newest development is bothering me quite a bit more than I thought it would. My grandfather has decided that he's not doing Christmas this year. For as long as I can remember every year on Christmas we went to my grandparents house. When my grandmother was still alive it was a huge event. She kept the family together, and that includes the ones who lived out of state. Every year while she was alive family would fly in from Kansas and California and other various parts of the US. And everyone had a blast.
As soon as she passed away that all stopped. It's been quite a few years now. She died when I was 11. But my grandfather still had our immediate family out every year. My dad, his girlfriend, me and Master, my brother, etc. My mother went too, until her and my father got a divorce that is.
But as sad as this may sound, my grandfather is 73 years old now and literally the only thing he talks about is going to see his wife, my grandmother. He wants to leave this world behind and go be with his wife. She passed away at the very young age of 54 years old. She had beaten the various types of cancer she had, but her heart gave out from all the stress exactly one week before she was supposed to leave the hospital for good and come home.
Honestly, since becoming an adult it's been extremely difficult to go to that house. I swear, even to this day, it's painful. I walk into the living room, and right in front of the walkway is a couch. Where that couch is, used to be my grandmother's hospital bed. They had rented one when she was home from the hospital on and off so she could be comfortable. And I swear sometimes I can still see that hospital bed rather than that couch.I remember her last Christmas she had Grandpa decorate her hospital bed with Christmas lights and tinsel.
That was one thing I remember about my grandmother very well, she did everything in the world to not scare my brother or myself. When she lost all her hair she told us by going into the other room, and taking off the wig she was wearing (it matched her hair exactly.. so we had no idea she was wearing one) and putting on a clown wig. And when we laughed and said she was silly, she said that she wanted to tell us something. She took off the clown wig and my brother and I immediately started crying. And she told us it would be okay, that her hair would come back. It never did, but she was trying to make us feel better. And when she had a double masectomy, we asked her why she wasn't so "fluffy" anymore, and I think that bothered her on some level. The next time we saw her she was "fluffy" again. I later learned that she had bought a bra with inserts so she would look the same.
She was in so much pain, and all she cared about was how we saw her, and how we felt about it all. She was the strongest person I've ever met in my entire life.
It hurts to be in that house. I was extremely close to her. But I also enjoyed going there every Christmas because it reminded me of her.
But this year my grandfather has decided that he is not having Christmas at his house, and he probably isn't going to my father's either. He is acting much like an old wolf, and separating himself from the pack, wandering off to die alone.
One part of me wants to be upset with him. I want to tell him he's being selfish and should let us be with him, and visit, and enjoy the few holidays we have left with him. But that's not what he wants. And that old man has always been one stubborn son of a gun. When he's made up his mind, that's that. You can't tell him anything different.
And I have to respect that.
Him and my grandmother had one of those marriages most people only dream about. She was his mate, just as Master is mine. They were meant to be together, and she was taken away far too soon. He has spent too long without her and I don't think he can take that heartache anymore.
You know, a few times I would walk into the room while we were visiting him and he'd be talking to her as if she were standing right there.
I can't say I'd be any different if I didn't have my mate. I'm sure people would think I was utterly insane. And I would be in a lot of emotional pain constantly, as I know he is.
He even told my mom the other day that he was only supposed to make it to 70, and that was it. He thought he'd be done by now. How or why he thinks that I have no idea.
I think he's just ready. And I really think the next time I'll see him will be at his funeral, and it won't be by my choice. But as much as I want to be upset with him, I can understand why he's doing it. Nothing matters to him anymore besides going to see his wife. He's done all he can, and fought as much as he could day by day. I think he's far too tired now, and just wants to be left alone. And I do respect him for that. As much as I hate to admit it.
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