The Real Me

I often think that if I were the real me, all the time, and just let whatever thoughts came to my mind skip the censor and go straight out of my mouth that I wouldn't be a very liked person. I know I wouldn't be employed either. Let's face it. Most people wouldn't be employed if they said whatever was on their minds right then and there without that censor some of us have. Not every one has it, obviously.

But because I have a pretty damn good censor (in certain situations), I can restrain myself and just roll those thoughts around in my head, and maybe say them out loud later, when I'm alone or at the very least not anywhere near the person those thoughts are directed at. Such as a coworker, or a friend.

I also think that if that censor didn't exist in most people's minds the divorce rate would also be much, much higher. I mean lets face it, if you said whatever the hell you wanted to your spouse or significant other all the time, you'd probably be divorced right now. Especially if you said whatever the fuck you wanted in the heat of the moment, when you're good and pissed off. Yeah. That would be bad.

I sometimes think it would be so freeing to be able to say what you wanted, when you wanted, all of the time without that censor in place. But then I think of how that would set free all the other people around me to say whatever they wanted to me. I just might not like what I heard. In fact in some cases I'm fairly certain of that.

Emotions can be so raw, and usually are for me. I get very caught up in them, rather quickly.. almost violently so, and want to react accordingly. But I've gotten very good at not doing so. Rather than telling a coworker that they are a no good stoner who has nothing going on for them besides their fiance carrying their ass most of the time because he spends all of his money on drugs.. well.. I'd probably be fired. *giggles* I can almost picture it though. Standing in the middle of the office screaming that shit.

It would feel good at first. But then I would calm down, and start to freak out because hello I just cost myself a job over petty bullshit. Not smart.

Same goes for any other situation in life. If you just said some really pissed off hurtful shit to a friend, family member, or spouse, you'd be friendless... disowned.. and divorced. Joy.

Picking your battles can be such a chore. And sometimes they hit your pride and/or self esteem. But you take those little dings so when the time comes for the one where you should react, you're ready for it and can unload both barrels without feeling much remorse, if any.