Seeking Help

Just so this post doesn't get extremely confusing I'm going to try and cut through most of what brought me to this post.

Suffice to say that Master and I ended up have a very, very long talk yesterday.

I'm sure I've mentioned this in previous posts that I have suffered from depression in the past, and in fact was treated for it when I was younger (before I met Master). But since I turned 18 I haven't had health insurance and so I weaned myself off my medication and have basically been battling it myself since then.

I am not saying that Master has not helped me. But I didn't meet Him until I was 20 years old, and since I had to cope with it on my own for two years before hand, I kind of guarded it. And honestly for a while, it wasn't that bad.

Now, as I'm getting older, it's getting worse. It's lasting longer. It went from just getting bad when I was on my period, to sticking with me for a good length of time.

I fall into myself and distance myself from everything.

And I nitpick at everything, blaming the way I'm feeling on things that have nothing to do with. Why? Because I don't want to admit that my depression is in full swing. I don't want to admit that I'm not "okay".

So, after a lot of talking with Master last night and finally admitting that I'm not "okay", that I can't do this on my own, and a lot of hugs and my crying and telling Him that I'm scared, we decided to look into our options.

I still don't have health insurance. I can't sign up for it at my job until August or September and I am unable to get state insurance because my job offers it, even though I am not eligible for it at this time.

Master searched on the internet and found a possible in person support group for me to join. I contacted the individual who runs it via e-mail and am currently waiting for a reply.

I am going to wait a little while and see if this person responds.

I may look for online support groups as well.

Master is being extremely supportive. He says that if we are able to find a therapist that can help (and we can afford) that before I am put on any sort of medication, He wants to know all of the known side effects related to it before hand. He also said He'll go to the support group meetings with me, if I do end up going.

On a slightly different note, you may have noticed that my pics page is gone. The reason for that is yesterday before I finally admitted that my depression is becoming something that I can't "handle" or "control" anymore I started lashing out. Remember at the beginning of the post when I said that I'll find just about anything else to blame these feelings on?

Yeah. I did that yesterday. And the thing I blamed it on was our dynamic. We've been here before. It's happened before although quite honestly I never admitted the reason why. I explained it last night.

But before I admitted to Him the whys of it all, I told Him I just didn't want to do it anymore. So off came the collar, the cuff, and He told me I could do what I wanted with my blog, and He told me to remove the pics page. So I did delete that page.

Shortly after that outburst, and the deletion and removal of the collar and cuff I finally broke down and admitted to everything.

He said that things made a lot more sense now (even though it may not here in this blog post). Needless to say I am still His slave and He is still my Master. The pics page will be back, although maybe not in the same format.

Like I said it was a lot of talking, some of it extending into today after I got home from work.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I also feel horrible for not telling my Husband sooner. I was trying to handle it on my own, and I failed.

He has to be the most understanding and forgiving Husband on the face of the planet to put up with me, I swear.

I love You Husband. Thank You for sticking by my side. I know it has been extremely frustrating for You, since I wasn't letting You in on everything until just last night, and for that I apologize.