Before anyone gets their panties in a twist, before I read Master's post today, He told me on the way home from work that He wasn't mad at me, that we're both at fault, and some how we've gotten ourselves into a rut.
And we are. I've had my collar and cuff back for a while now. And since that time, I have been told I am being good, that I am doing well, etc and so on. But we've both seen, although not discussed, that we've placed ourselves into a rut and we both seem to not really care. Or at least not until recently. Obviously we didn't care, or didn't notice, because we didn't talk about it before now. And we haven't fully talked about it yet. We've just admitted that yes, we are in a rut and now we're each doing our own posts about it.
A few sections of His post really tugged at me.
First:
"On the other hand she sometimes will come on all sex kitten and horny and I’m just like ..yawn I’m tired need sleep now. Like the thought of sex alone is enough to make me want to just crash out. It isn’t because she has lost any appeal to me at all she is to me as hot and sexy and attractive as I have ever found her to be. What it is how ever I couldn’t say because I just don’t know myself."
Yeah. I've noticed this. And I'm sure He's noticed my "subtle" reactions. This has been on a steady decline the longer He's been at His job. We used to have sex at least every other day. If we didn't, there was something wrong. And by something wrong I mean that one or both of us were sick, or we were so tired that we could barely raise our heads off the pillows to kiss goodnight.
Yes, last weekend we fucked twice in a row, one orgasm after another. But lately, that has been the exception rather than a rule. We hardly ever have sex during the week. And during the weekend? We usually wait until it's bed time. And then by that time, one or both of us are sore and tired. We used to just get horny and go fuck. That still happens, it just a lot more rare. And yes, I have a high sex drive.. so this is highly noticeable to me. I want sex, often. Multiple times. And I know His job wears Him right the hell out. What the hell do I expect when He's putting 14 to 16 hour days? For Him to have the energy to manhandle me and fuck the living hell out of me? Yeah right. Not gonna happen. And I know this. I try to remind myself of this, so that I don't get emotional about it or start to think it's me.
Why would I think it's me? I have self image issues. For instance, I put on a size 0 pair of pants today. Oh, they fit, they are just a little bit tighter than they used to be. I've put on a whopping (note the sarcasm) 10 pounds over the past year. Oh yes, before anyone points that out... I know it sounds fucking ridiculous. Ten pounds in a year? Oh no! I'm up to a massive 110 lbs. Someone quick! Hide the fried foods and put me on a diet. *rolls eyes* But when I look in the mirror, I look at myself and I go.. "You need to lose weight."
Like I said, I have self image issues. Also, before anyone freaks out, no I don't stop eating, and no I don't make myself throw up. I do not have an eating disorder. And of course since I'm thinking these things.. He must be. Ya know, cause He's shallow. Please. He's not. And I know this. But I'm worried about not looking attractive to Him anymore. I mean when I met Him I weighed more than I do now. I was 120 lbs, the most I've honestly weighed in my life.. and He wanted to fuck my brains out right there in the food court of the mall where we first met face to face.
And so, when we aren't having sex.. or at least not as often.. my self image issues rear their ugly heads and I freak out internally. I start to think, "Oh it must because I put on a little weight.." or "I must not look as good today.." It's nasty, and I hate it. Have I mentioned that I used to be diagnosed with clinical depression? Yeah. It shows doesn't it? I hate thinking these things. Because I don't think I'm ugly. I really don't.
I don't think I'm like the hottest thing on the face of this planet. I know there are women out there far more attractive than I am.. and some of them had to pay for that privilege. I have flaws. I have scars, I have old zit marks, I have stretch marks, I have lots of little flaws all over. And while I sometimes wish I could have perfectly smooth and unmarred skin, I know it's not going to happen. And I accept it. I don't freak out about it.
But the sex isn't just about the sex, it's about the intamacy. It's about the connection, and it's about the need.. the lust.. the knowing how badly He wants me and how badly I want Him. And when He works I try to tell myself ahead of time, like before I even get home from work, how tired and sore He is going to be. How phyiscally intense His job truly is. That way, when He says, "Baby I'm sorry, but I'm just so damn tired.." I'm expecting it and I don't get all bat shit crazy about it. Instead I do what I should do. I smile. I kiss His forehead and I tell Him I understand. Because what kind of a shrew of a wife would I be if I didn't? He goes out there and busts His ass all day, so we have two incomes... what am I gonna do? Whine, bitch, moan, complain that I'm not getting enough attention. That my desires aren't being met? *snort* Those thoughts make me wanna slap myself, knock on my own thick skull and go "Hello bitch, it's not about you. Your man is tired. He's busted His ass, and He just wants to rest. So knock it the fuck off." Because I honestly am not really like that. I detest the fact that such thoughts wiggle through my brain waves.
But then the weekend comes. And if He has off, and we haven't done much.. I wonder why when we go to bed He just wants to sleep. Those nasty, "It's me.. It's something I've done or not done.." sneak on in. This past weekend, we had sex once. We had the whole weekend to ourselves.
Yes, yes I know.. sex lives, as all other things, go up and down. But it's like I said.. I wonder. I worry. Last night we went to bed and we laid down. He told me to curl up and get some rest. I sighed. He said, "I love you." I said, "I love You too." But it wasn't with a lot of emotion because I was trying not to become emotional about it. He said, "Well that sounded like you meant it." And I said, "I do. I'm just horny." And He said nothing. I don't think He knew what to say, really. So I turned onto my side and we went to sleep.
Also I don't want it to sound like the lack of sex is on all Him or His job. Because it's not. I will sometimes be very horny, and I don't beg.. or I don't try to seduce Him. I just kind of drown myself in day to day bullshit because I'm afraid He's to tired. Or I am tired and sore. I've basically built it up so much in my head, that it's like.. I'm afraid to initiate it. Also, because I'm wanting Him to initiate it. But if I'm acting like I don't want to, by not doing what I'm supposed to be doing.. begging.. scenting.. asking what He wants me in... how the hell is that supposed to make Him feel? Oh I assume like it makes me feel... like the other person isn't interested.
Funny that. For the past six years we haven't been able to keep our hands off of one another. Where the fuck did this start. Not when. But where. How the hell did this happen?
He is so incredibly sexy to me. I love the way He looks, how He feels inside me. I love how He smells, and what He tastes like. I love His weight on top of me. I love the roughness, and I love the gentle caresses. I love Him. And yet... this is where we ended up.
And sometimes I wonder if it is effecting our marriage. You know that old saying.. "Problems in the bedroom will follow you down the hall.."
Another thing He said that tugged at me was this:
"Damn what happened? We used to be so different."
Amen. We did. We used to be a lot different. Working or not, tired or not, no matter what time we used to have to get up in the morning, we'd stay up and talk for hours. Literally until we were like, "Damn, we better get some sleep cause we have to get up in four hours."
We'd have sex no matter how tired we were, because we just wanted one another that much. He'd lead and I would follow without question. Our affection level is almost at the same level. It's dipped a little bit. I'm afraid to start it sometimes, because I don't want to try and have it lead to other things and be told no or for Him to be so sore that I get a little to playful with my affection and it hurts Him. The list goes on.
We talked more, we had more fun. Now? During the week, we go to work, we come home, we eat dinner, we go on the computer, we watch a movie, and we go to sleep. During the weekend, unless it has actual plans with other people.. we sit around going.. "So what do you wanna do?" and then neither of us can come up with an idea or if we do, we can't afford it or it doesn't sound so appealing once we start getting ready to head out the door, and we drop it... and then what? We do what we do during the week. We eat, we watch a movie, we go on the computer.
Ruts fucking suck and I'm tired of this one.
And ruts can kill everything. Seriously. It happened to my parents. The rut gets deeper and deeper, and neither person in the couple work to fix it.. and so one or the other gets bored, or gets angry, or resentful.. placing all the blame on one person's shoulders and that grows with time. A rut can lead to all of these things.. which turns it all to poison.
I'm not saying I'm bored with my Husband, or resentful, or angry. I'm just saying that I don't want this to happen to us. Especially since such things can sneak up on ya so damn quickly, in such a way that you don't really notice it or if you do you think nothing of it and figure it'll pass.
Hell this rut snuck up on us. And neither of us said shit until today.
Marriage is work. Dynamics within a marriage are work. If you don't work at it, it crumbles.
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