Neutral

I have no idea why but I feel very tired today. I also feel sore all over for absolutely no reason. I've drank soda. That didn't work. I've had coffee. That didn't work either. So I've been stuck in neutral all damn day.

I really hate feeling like this. I'm tired, but I'm not actually tired. I'm not sure why the hell my shoulders, lower back and right ankle hurt. No fucking idea. I just feel sluggish. Hell, it felt like a chore to get off the couch after dinner and come over here to do my post. I didn't have a hard day at work or anything along those lines. If anything, the day was actually quite boring.

My brain is mush. I have absolutely no idea what the hell to post about. I thought about looking on FetLife for a subject or for a thread that would inspire a post but I can't really do that. I mean, I can but it's not jogging my brain at all.

Thankfully, I feel that I've been doing rather well with my blog posts lately. They've had thought behind them and a lot of them have been about what this blog is actually for. I just can't get my mind in gear today. I'm really glad tomorrow is Friday and it's my half day at that.

Cuddly

I have come to a decision on something. I have decided that I need a new stuffed animal. *nods* I love stuffed animals. I know I'm a little old for them... okay a lot old for them but they aren't something I ever grew out of.

Fuck flowers and chocolates! I want a stuffed animal! And no, that is not sarcasm. Master has gotten me some over the years. My favorite one is honestly Sid. Yes, I name my stuffed animals. Get over it. *laughs* Sid is my tie dyed teddy bear that Master won for me at a county fair. Not only is Sid awesome but it's something that He won for me. I remember that very vividly. Oddly enough because of how the barker got Master's attention.

We were walking past and Master was wearing a t-shirt that says Psych Ward. So the barker said, "Hey psycho!"

Master damn near spun on His heel and looked at the barker. The look on the barker's face was priceless. It was if he wasn't sure if he had just pissed Master off or what. Master is a rather intimidating looking man.

But Master just smiled and the guy relaxed and asked if He would like to try and win something "for the lady". I'm assuming by using the word lady, he was referring to me.

And that is how I got Sid. The only down side is that Sid is dirty. *pouts* Lots and lots of dust and all that. So now he sits in my bedroom closet. I have no idea how to safely wash him or I would have done it by now. Anyone know how to do that? I'm so afraid of him getting damaged rather than clean.

Anyway, I want a new stuffed animal. Not a huge one. Something cuddle sized. Like a medium sized stuffed animal. A frog! I want a frog one. I absolutely love frogs.

So guess what I'm on the hunt for? That's right. A frog stuffed animal. I'm picky.. so it may take a little bit.

Shrink Hunting

I hate it when I get a piece of mail where all it is, is a plain white envelope with a plastic window so you can see the address printed on the letter inside. No other markings what so ever.

I normally throw those out. I mean, I know I should open every single one, but I they are junk mail nine times out of ten. We always put the unopened mail on the computer desk. That way we both know where it is and can dig through it when we need/want to. I got one of those in the mail yesterday. For some odd reason I just decided to open it. I'm really glad I did.

It is a letter from my medical insurance. Apparently my shrink is no longer going to be covered by my insurance. His office decided not to renew with my medical insurance. So as of April 1st my insurance will no longer cover any services provided by his office.

According to the letter since I am in ongoing treatment with him I can continue to see him for 90 days, after which they will no longer cover the expense.

So, needless to say I will be looking for a new shrink very soon. I'm not supposed to see him again until July. That is of course outside of that 90 day window.

Thankfully I already have my prescription from him so I'm covered medicine wise until I find a new doctor. But I'll have to find one before or during July other wise I won't have a refill left.

I'm nervous about it honestly. I was nervous the first time I started to look for a shrink and now that I have one I like and am on medication that works for me the idea of finding a new shrink is even more nerve wracking.

My insurance has a website I can dig through of places that do take my insurance. So at least that much. I thought about asking for suggestions from my current shrink's office but they wouldn't know who is in network.. so I'll just have to call them and cancel my appointment for July.

I figure this weekend I'll start looking on my insurance's website and start making some calls and all that jazz. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not happy about it. But there is nothing I can do. I know I can't afford his rates without the insurance. There is no sliding scale either. So yeah.

I'm just going to make sure that whichever new shrink I go see is willing to allow me to stay on my current medication. It works. I'm happy with it. I don't want to fuck with it.

Preview

You know how you can see something in porn but then still wonder what the hell it looks like when you're doing it? Yeah.

That's pretty much why I was curious as to what it looked like when Master was fucking my ass. He knew what it looked like, obviously. He literally has front row seats after all. But not me. My face is down resting on a pillow or the mattress. So far, I've found that it's the easiest position for me to relax during anal sex. I know we'll be switching it up eventually. And we have been playing with it a little here and there but only after I've relaxed fully.

It's taking some time but Master agrees with me when I say that all of a sudden I have made a lot of progress in that area in a short period of time. It was like a whole lot of getting me there mentally and once I was there.. boom. We were good. In fact since that time I haven't asked Him to stop the minute He starts sliding His cock into my ass. Maybe I'll ask Him to wait a minute to to add some more lube but I don't immediately throw in the towel if my body doesn't relax immediately.

Now that I've reached that place mentally everything else is sliding into place. No pun intended. I'm having orgasms during it, it's lasting a lot longer without my begging for Him to hurry up and finish, things of that nature.

Well, yesterday Master was able to snap some photos and He is allowing me to post a couple here, on this post. Yes, I know that I will be allowed to add a page of photos soon but I still felt the need to ask Him if I could put these in an actual post. Probably because He said it was okay for a separate page, rather than a post.

So here goes... (Note: Master was trying not to get lube on the camera and so if it seems a little blurred or whatever, that's why.)

So there you go... pictures of Master fucking my ass. I'm sure you are all very, very happy to see these pictures. *laughs*

I know Master loves them. And I really enjoy them too. I know there will be more in the future. Master is ever the shutter bug of perverted stuff we do.

A New View

Over the course of the past almost 10 years of our relationship Master has taken many, many pictures. Some of them we have lost over the years since we have gone through a few computer crashes/computers in that time span. But we still have a good collection.

However, there is one picture Master has never gotten before. He has never taken a picture while fucking my ass. We have pictures of me blowing Him and pictures of His cock filling my pussy, but none of His thick cock fucking my ass. Well, today that has been corrected. We had talked about trying it recently and I had brought it up again two days ago I believe. So late this evening we decided to head off to the bedroom. We were both feeling frisky.

I grabbed a towel and He grabbed the camera. My favorite vibrator and the lube were already on the headboard. I had turned on the lamp when I came in the room.

He got close to me and started biting my neck as I stroked His cock. He molested my tits before kneeling up so I could stroke His cock more and He could finger me. It wasn't long before He flipped me over and licked my asshole for a while, trying to get me to relax more. It helped.

He then ate me out. My orgasm was intense as hell. He allowed me to cum three more times by fucking my pussy. I was already tender there from earlier this morning, so it didn't take long. He slowly pulled out and had me get comfortable. So I got one my knees and bent over. Master lubed me up and snapped a couple of quick pictures of Him doing that. He set the camera down long enough to lube Himself up. I placed the vibrator on my clit and He started to enter me.

Almost immediately my body clenched up. I think the angle was wrong. So Master froze. I tried to just breathe and get comfortable but it continued to clench up. So Master pulled out. I think He believed that was that. But I wanted to try again. This time we adjusted a little bit and the angle was a lot more comfortable. It took a moment for me to get completely relaxed but it's not taking as long as it use to. But once I did there was no pain at all and I was able to get into it more.

He fucked my ass for a little while, then slowed down, and grabbed the towel to wipe His hands off before picking up the camera again. I believe He took about four or five more pictures. I was a little surprised that He didn't take more. But as He set the camera down He said, "Now to give your ass My undivided attention."

It felt great. I had a good four or five more orgasms both with and without the vibrator on my clit.

He had slipped out twice. We were both sweating, my pussy had been sopping wet before He even started fucking and then of course there was lube. So there had been a couple of times where He had went to adjust His weight of position and He had slipped out.

There used to be a time when if He slipped out that was it. It wasn't going in my ass again because it would iris shut immediately. But each time He was able to just slip right back in, with little to no resistance. That felt amazing. Just feeling His whole cock slide into my tight ass without any moment of hesitation. 

He asked me if I felt up to Him "raping" my ass. (We have a position that we do that we refer to as the rape position.) I answered honestly and said I didn't know. He knew the thought turned me on though and He said as much.

So He took the decision from me and had me lay on my stomach and put me in the "rape" position. It felt a lot different and made me more sensitive but I was relaxed enough so that it didn't hurt. When I'm in that position I am not allowed to cum. This was a pretty good test since I cannot really control my orgasms during anal. I had slipped so far into my sub space by that point though that I wouldn't have been able to get off if I wanted to.

I'm not sure why but when I'm deep in sub space I cannot get off. It still feels amazing. It feels absolutely incredible, but it's like that part of me shuts off.

He slipped out one last time as He knelt up to move His leg. He leaned over me and said that He wasn't sure my body could take much more and suggested that maybe He should just go clean up and we finish with Him fucking my pussy again. I insisted that He tried one more time. He did and sure as hell it slipped right back in with no discomfort.

My legs were shaking. My entire nervous system was electrified and I was flying high. He fucked my ass hard and He talked dirty to me almost the entire time. I eventually begged for His cum. I could feel my body starting to reach that point of sensistivity that it would overload my system to the point of it being painful.

He made me wait a little longer after that before He finally shot His cum into my ass and I felt His cock throbbing as He did so.

After He pulled out He told me that there was no mess, so I didn't have to worry about I got up. We were both drenched in sweat. I had felt His sweat dripping all over me when He was fucking me. That is incredibly hot to me. We caught our breath for a moment and He hopped in the shower while I cleaned up using the sink.

Master showed me the pictures. I really, really like them. I have obviously seen what a cock in an ass looks like. But because we never had any pictures of it before I had never seen His cock in my ass. It's fucking hot.

Now to spend the rest of the night enjoying the after glow. I am still in my sub space. I will be tomorrow as well. Every time He fucks me in the ass I am in my sub space for at least a day. Sometimes as many as three.

I do know He is proud of me though. Hell, I'm proud of myself.

The only down side to anal is that I can't really get immediate aftercare because we both have to clean up. But tonight after His shower Master was still extremely hot and so would have been very uncomfortable holding me. He apologized for it and I said it was okay. I know I'll get cuddles and hugs later.

That turned me on even more. He fucked my ass good and hard.

Sad Realization

I don't know why but an odd and sad thought passed through my mind today. I didn't dwell on it at the time. I just marked it for thought later on for this blog post. I say it's sad because it makes me feel that way when I realized it.

Yes, I'll try to make sense now. Sorry about that. As some of my long time blog readers may remember, or if you've read far enough back in the blog archives you know that before I was medicated I was continuously going through periods of time where I wanted my collar off. I've had several collars over the course of our relationship. But shortly before we got married I had an eternity collar. I loved that collar. I've loved all of my collars, but that one always meant the most to me. I literally could not take it off. It was locked on.

But during my cycles of absolute craziness when my moods would just be all over the place there were times I wanted to rip that collar off and tell Him that that particular portion of our relationship was over. I was convinced that if that collar was gone everything would be fine and everything would be better.

I can't remember how many times I did that. How many times I put Him, put us, through that. And each and every time the very instant that collar was off my neck I would cry. Not just cry. I would sob. As soon as it was off my neck and in His hand I felt lost. It had become a security blanket and now it was gone. What the fuck was I going to do without it? What was I going to do without His status over me?

I didn't know. And it was scary. It wasn't until it was off that I realized that I never wanted to actually do that. That wasn't the problem. Please, please Master put it back. I want it back. I need it back. There were times where He would make me wait and earn it back.

I remember the last time it came off my neck because I asked... no demanded... that it be taken off and I said I didn't want the dynamic anymore. He looked me dead in the eye and told me that if He took it off then He was throwing it away. And I vividly remember saying that I didn't care if He threw it out. I remember how I felt in that exact moment. High and mighty. Completely convinced that this was it. I didn't need it. I didn't want it. Get it the fuck off me. Now.

And He took it off. I refused to look at it. I had my back turned as He went to throw it into the garbage. I heard it go in. I didn't see it but I heard something being thrown in the garbage.

I don't remember how long it took that time. But I remember coming down from my rage and suddenly crashing into sobbing and groveling at His feet to have it back.

Long story short on that one He hadn't thrown it away. He had thrown something else in the garbage to make it sound like He had. He knew I was going to beg for it back. And He put it back on my neck telling me that it was never coming off again. I readily agreed. It was shortly after that when I finally started seeking help and was diagnosed as bipolar and was placed on medication.

From the last time He put that collar on my neck and I've become medicated I have never once asked to be released from His service. I never even thought about taking the collar off. Not once.

Side note: I never thought about ending our relationship or our marriage. It was only the dynamic that I ever went back and forth on.

Then came the day that I had to take my beloved eternity collar off for the last time. It's been over a year now.

I hate my metal allergy. I hated it the most that day.

I was thinking about it today. I had wanted that thing off my neck how many times when I wasn't medicated and now here I am, medicated and stable, and I can never wear it again no matter how much I want to. I want to so very badly.

I don't need it in order to be His slave. I don't need it to prove to anyone that I am His slave. And yes, I still have my wedding ring and my cuff. Not to mention the tattoos.

But my collar is the one thing I went back and forth on and now I'm so much better and I can't wear it. I worked hard to earn my eternity collar. I really did. I went through several stages of collars to reach that one. And I toyed with it as if it didn't matter.

My wedding ring will always mean the most to me. There is absolutely no doubt about it. But that collar came in second. The cuff was third.

The other night Master actually brought up my collar. Or maybe I did. Either way, the subject came up and we admitted that we both miss it. He smiled and said that at least my neck is easier to get to now. He has always loved choking me and biting my neck. And I've always loved Him doing it.

He did say that He had been thinking about getting me something that wouldn't trigger my metal allergy and wouldn't really function as a collar in the same way as that one did, but would put something on my neck.

For a collar to function like that one it has to be a piece of metal that locks on and be worn 24/7. Well, the only way that would ever happen is to buy a titanium one and that is simply out of the question financially speaking.

And yes, I know that I had said we were talking about weaning me off of it prior to it having to come off due to possible job changes. But ya know what? I don't know if that was ever really going to happen. I mean I had gotten my current job and several other jobs while wearing it. So why would it effect it now

*sigh*

He was talking about a fabric choker of some kind. I think those are beautiful, depending on how they are made, but it's simply not the same.

I do want something on my neck again. I just don't know what. Who knows. Maybe my neck will just remain bare.

I really fucking miss my collar.

Odd, Odd Girl

Master will be the first one to tell you that I typically think more along the lines of a guy. Especially when you bring up the subject of sex.

I, for one, do not understand women who think that they should be catered to on everything sexually. They have to have romance, they want to make love, they want the wining and the dining, etc and so on.

Don't get me wrong, making love is wonderful. It is. It doesn't happen often but Master and I do on occasion simply make love. But typically that is not what either of us are after. We want to fuck. And what's wrong with that word anyway? Fuck

Nothing that's what!

What sounds hotter? "Baby I want you to make love to me." or "Baby I want you to fuck me."

I personally think the latter sounds hotter.

Sometimes (or in my case most times) you just need to fuck. You want that rough animal sex. Pure lust.

There is still a connection obviously, on an emotional level. Maybe that's what some women are worried about? Losing that emotional connection?

Just because it's not all lovey dovey, roses and soft whispers doesn't mean you can't feel that emotional connection. It's just on a different level. A more primal level.

And sometimes I wonder how the hell women think it's okay for men to have to do all that extra stuff just to get their dick wet but they can't throw the guy a blowjob every now and again outside of a "Hey it's your birthday" or "I'm doing this because I want something" or something along those lines.

If you just so happen to be one of these women, this is not a personal slam. Trust me. I don't even know you. I'm just putting my thoughts out there because it honestly does confuse me.

I also love it when I hear about how the husband took the wife out to a really expensive dinner, got her roses, got her jewelry and then.... he says or does one thing wrong.... something minor.. and nope. No sex for you.

Sex is not a weapon people. Or at least it shouldn't be used as one. If you are in a power exchange relationship then obviously none of this applies. But if you're talking an "average" relationship.. what the fuck? And yes I know, the guy can do all those nice wonderful things without expecting to get laid. But come on now... give and take! 

I've known too many couples where the husband does nothing but bitch about their lack of a sex life and the wife does nothing but bitch about how all he wants is sex.

"He doesn't want to romance me. He doesn't do chores, he doesn't do this, he doesn't do that. And then he wonders why he doesn't get any sex."

Um.... maybe if you took that vice clamp of a chastity belt off once and a while it would help? It's a two way street after all. You're mad because he won't do x,y,z... He's mad because you're not doing x,y,z. He tries to do what you want and still doesn't get any. And then you wonder why he's literally begging you for sex.

Nag nag nag. Beg beg beg.

It's an endless cycle.

Master actually made a comment the other day that I instantly reacted to.

I was telling him about how the passenger in the carpool started bitching about his wife the minute he got in my car. I told Master about how basically she just would not stop bitching at him for something he literally could not control and/or do anything about.

Master's response was something along the lines of:

"And that's when you force her to her knees, shove your cock in her mouth and say, 'Sshhh. Daddy needs some quiet time now.'"

I immediately responded with, "I would love that!"

Master laughed and said how most guys wouldn't dare even do it because if the woman is that pissed off you don't want your dick anywhere near her teeth.

But for me it would be like a giant pacifier. If I was all pissed off and pacing the floor and shit and all of a sudden Master grabbed my throat, forced me to my knees, whipped His cock out and forcefully pushed my head down until I had His cock in my mouth all the way to the base and then gently pet my hair while telling me to hush... *happy sigh* I would instantly calm down.

I am an odd, odd girl.

Pervs

Well, I still haven't made up my mind about the whole pictures thing. I really do not understand why I'm having such a hard time with it. I mean Master has the pictures up on various things... but still.

I guess it's that whole unable to make a watermark thing. I have a feeling that I'll end up doing it and it'll be it's own page. It won't be a post of nothing but pictures. I'd prefer to have a page labeled as a photo gallery.

Aw hell, who am I kidding. I'll most likely do that this weekend. If nothing else I just may create the page to see how it looks and just not post it right away for public view. That way I can look at it, see what I think of it and then make my decision.

I think that's the best way of going about it anyway. Other wise I'll just sit here running it around in my head. Should I or shouldn't I? Blah, blah, blah.

And also, that way I can have Master look it over before publishing it and see what He thinks of the pictures I selected.

Yes, I know He said it's completely up to me but I want to make sure the pictures are ones that He agrees with since there are stipulations to my being allowed to do this.

All I know for sure is that if I do end up doing this, it'll be the page with the most views. Just like it was last time. *laughs* Words?! Who needs words? There are nudie pic! Bunch of pervs, the lot of ya.

Plus, it'll give me something to do that is new with the blog. And I can always add more or take ones down, etc. and so on.

To Post... Or Not To Post

Master and I were talking today and the subject of my blog came up. I often ask what He thinks of my posts, how I am doing with it, etc. After all it is under His orders that I blog every night. (No that is not a complaint.)

He said that He's glad that I am getting back to the reason He wants me to blog. He doesn't mind posts about day to day stuff but He wants more depth to my posts. He wants me to post more about my thoughts, feelings, and my submission to Him in general. He knows that I can't always come up with something along those lines so like I said, He understands the day to day shit.

I, of course, was happy that He was pleased. I have been trying to break away from the day to day posts. Honestly, that's part of the reason I've started reading FetLife again. I hadn't logged in for well over a month. But reading threads and particular posts and/or comments will spark a thought in my brain and I can run with it, here on my blog.

He said something though that kind of surprised me, as we were discussing my blog.

A while back... honestly I don't know how long ago this was... Master had allowed me to put pictures on my blog. He actually really enjoyed that. But then, someone had to go and ruin it. People were yanking the pictures and posting them as their own on different sites. First off, that's me damn it! Secondly, that's Master's work! He takes all the pictures. I'm simply in them.

As a result,  He had me take them all down. I completely understood the reason of course.

Some time after that He told me that I could put up pictures as long as my entire face wasn't in them. So I had done that and before posting it I showed it to Him. He had a weird look on His face and said, "That looks kind of stupid without facial pictures." (It was a separate page, not just a post.) And so that idea was scrapped.

But He brought it up again today. He told me that He would allow me to post pictures as long as my entire face wasn't in them. This made me mentally take a step back. So I told Him about the conversation I mentioned above and apparently He had not remembered it. He apologized and said that He retracts the "That's stupid" comment.

So I now officially have His permission to post pictures again. However, He has left it up to me as to whether or not I actually do it.

I'm honestly not sure how I feel about it. I mean, it's not like my pictures aren't up somewhere on the internet to begin with. So I don't really know why I'm hesitating about it on my blog. I asked Him what He thought and He just looked at me and said, "I told you it was up to you."

And that was that. So now I'm just trying to decide how I feel about it. I don't have a paint program capable of leaving a watermark, so I can't "protect" them that way.

I don't know. I'm on the fence about it. All I know is that I'm not making a decision about it right now.

Unconditional

Unconditional. Sometimes I don't think people actually understand what that word means. Why do I think that? Mainly because of how it's thrown about. That's right people. I've been reading FetLife again.

The perfect example: "My slavery is unconditional."

Really? Are you sure about that? So, if your Master beat the hell out of you so badly that it landed you in the emergency room and sent you into a coma, against your will and it was not an accident, your first thought upon waking up would be, "How can I best serve Master?"

If he ran around on you behind your back, without it being part of the agreement, came home and gave you a very serious STD, you would continue to serve under him?

Maybe they think it makes them sound like the best slave ever. "OMG! I'm like so totally committed to my Master. You don't even know. I would totally do like anything he ever asked of me. And you know that I so do not care what he does or how he treats me."

*gag* I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Come on people.

I try to be the best slave I can be to Him. Just as I try to be the best wife I can be to Him.

Now, does that mean I can put on blinders and not react in a negative manner when He does something damaging to me? To our relationship?

Hell to the no.

I love Him. He is my mate. I know this deep down in the very essence of my being. However, that does not mean that I cannot be hurt. It does not mean that my heart cannot be broken.

So, I responded to a post that had to do with this exact subject.

"To me it is conditional on the fact that we still love, trust and respect one another. We do not 'plan for the end'. We don't think about such things. But I have to be honest and state that if those three things were no longer in place there would be no slavery or marriage."

Those are my conditions. Three very simple conditions.

I'm not saying that every M/s relationship or even a regular marriage has the same conditions as I do. But these are mine. And they are His too. He has conditions. He's the Master, of course He has conditions. But just because I'm His slave doesn't mean I cannot have my own. He knows this and He completely agrees with me.

Thoughts?

I Needed That

I am always submissive to Master. I may be a brat from time to time.. okay I am a brat from time to time. But that doesn't mean that I am not submissive to Him or not His slave at that exact moment. I am always that.

But there are times where I feel more submissive than other times. I don't know if that makes any sense to any of my readers or not. But it's a difficult thing to describe. It's like being in my sub space for an extended period of time. There are sometimes actions that He takes or things that happen that force that upon me. And other times it's just the mind set I have for absolutely no reason.

This morning I woke up that way. And I know why. I always get that way after anal sex. Even more so now that I've started to have orgasms during it.

Every time, immediately after and through the next morning when I wake up my head is stuck in that deep sub space, which isn't a bad thing. Not at all.

Those are the times where I feel like I got what I needed. It's not that I don't get what I need sexually on a very regular basis. It's more of a I didn't know I needed it until after it actually happened. I can't be alone in knowing what that feels like.

Hell, the night before that Master was fucking me and had one of my legs up and resting my ankle on His shoulder, leaning forward and just pounding into me. I asked Him to choke me. The thought struck me out of no where and before it could go through a filter I had already said it out loud. He was more than happy to choke me. He had already been biting the hell out of my neck and shoulders, so why not use His hand to play with my delicate, exposed, defenseless throat?

I came right before my eyes started to hurt. He quickly released His grip and chuckled darkly.

I needed that. Apparently I didn't realize it until the thought slipped past my lips.

He has been praising me about such things actually. I have this mental block, yes even after all these years, of not asking for what I want/need because it's not about me. It's about Him. It's not that I don't participate. Trust me. I do. It's just the verbal part of it. And He wants more of that. He wants to hear such things and keeps telling me that He still has final say so it shouldn't matter. That mental road block should not exist. Why? Because it's something He wants me to do and since He has final say He can still deny me my request.

Slowly that mental block is being broken down. Lately it's been happening at a higher rate, which is interesting. I have gone through periods of time before where I had no problem at all with asking, but out of no where, through no fault of my own or His, that block wedged itself back into my brain.

I'm hoping this time it stays away. I'm really enjoying being more outspoken and talking dirty. And I know damn well He is loving the hell out of it. I can tell by His reactions and His words. I'm not sure why, but this time it's almost like His reactions and words are affecting me more heavily. It's like the weight of it is forcing that mental block back and taking it down brick by brick.

Also, it's hot to know that even if I expose my wants and needs to Him in the heat of the moment like I have been, that He can and probably sometimes will deny my request. It really doesn't matter. Not at all. That's the part that is really sticking with me the more I think about it. My wants and needs don't matter in that way. He can deny them. So there is no reason why I shouldn't ask/describe what I need or want. Hell, He may hear it and think it's a great fucking idea and find that He wanted that exact thing and just didn't know it until I brought it up.

Fuck My Ass

I had told Master earlier in the week that I was in the mood for trying anal this weekend. Yes, I continue to use the word try. I think it mentally helps me to stay relaxed about it and not get so anxious. As if I were to say do You want to have anal sex this weekend it makes me feel like it has to happen regardless of what my body says. And yes, I know, Master would understand and would not push the subject at all. He is very patient with me in regards to this and extremely understanding. He told me it's because it is in His best interest to keep me comfortable about such things. Yes, He could just bend me over and fuck my ass and I could cry and beg Him to stop and due to our dynamic He could override that request unless He knew I was actually injured.

But He doesn't just want to fuck my ass. Oh no. That wonderful Master of mine wants me to enjoy it every time it happens. Which is the exact reason why He allows me to cum at will during anal sex. Now that I've experienced an orgasm while He's fucking my ass I have to say it is extremely intense and hits me very suddenly. The first time it happened I could barely breathe out the word Master. Thankfully He quickly said yes before the orgasm started.

Last night we were watching porn and there is a lot of anal in the one we were watching. So I just looked at Him and asked if He wanted to try tomorrow. He smiled and said "Sure." As if the man is going to turn that down.

Today we have spent most of the day just being very lazy and I was loving every minute of it. Then came a time where we just weren't sure what to do so I suggested watching more of that porno. He shrugged, said sure why not.

We got through maybe two scenes before we decided to go back to the bedroom.

I stroked His cock while He molested my tits. He then slid down, had me slide up and ate me out until I had a nice small build up to an orgasm.

Before I could fully catch my breath He was wrapping His arm around my waist and flipping me so I was on all fours. He slid His cock into my already dripping wet pussy. I was still swollen from yesterday. After the second orgasm I asked if we could try anal. So He pulled out and took off one of His rings that tends to slip off His finger when His hand has lube on it. While He did that and grabbed the lube bottle I grabbed my favorite vibrator and got back into position. Ass in the air and face to the mattress.

I started the vibrator on low and placed it on my clit. He lubed us both up and slowly started to enter my ass. I winced a little bit. He heard my quick intake of breath and stopped moving. He was still holding the base of His cock. I quickly grabbed the lube (by the way I am loving the fact that our lube bottle has a pump rather than a cap) and slid my hand underneath me so I could put more lube on the underside of His cock.

He then slowly continued to push His thick cock into my tight asshole. I then asked Him to please put more lube on the top of His dick. So He paused and did exactly that.

I put the vibe back on my clit and it instantly helped me relax. Before I knew it I got off and got off hard. It was then that I felt how relaxed I actually was and Master moaned and called me a good girl for opening up for Him.

That helped me relax even more. I put the vibrator down and simply enjoyed the sensation of every movement of His cock. Every motion. Every twitch. It was incredible. He did slip out once. He quickly slid back in. I winced a little bit, not as badly as when He first entered me though. My only reaction was to grab the vibe again and get off once more. After that I was fine. More than fine actually. It wasn't long after that, that I got off again simply from Him fucking my ass, no vibrator.

He continued to praise me. Every moan He made and every shudder of pure enjoyment I felt only heightened everything I was already feeling, in a very body tingling way.

As I felt Him getting closer to cumming I was on my way there as well. So I started to beg. I wanted to get off with Him. I really did.

"Please Master I need Your cum in my ass."

"Master, please pump Your cum into me."

It was the second one that tipped Him over the edge, combined with the fact that I had started to cum as well. He dug His nails into my back, putting more pressure on me as He did so. That caused Him to go even deeper into my ass which I, at that moment, didn't even think was possible.

We both gasped at the same time and peaked together.

I was shaking a little bit as was He. He very slowly pulled out and collapsed next to me. I rested on my stomach. We caught our breath and then went to clean up.

Once we were back in the living room we were both grinning like fools. He told me that He's proud of me and that I'll be a butt slut in no time.

I'm Normal... For Me

Remember that whole "That Girl" post I did? Not to mention that "Self Image" post. Well, something else made me think of it. It happened yesterday actually. We went down to my dad's as soon as I got home. I literally walked in the door, grabbed a soda, grabbed some other items that I needed,  and then Master and I went back out. As soon as we got there my dad smiled. He is always so happy to see us.

We sat down for a few minutes and talked a little bit. Then we decided to get down to business and get the eBay stuff done and over with. I'm glad we got to it right away though because Dad wanted to list a lot more than I thought. As a result, it took longer of course. But it was early enough that we could hang out for a few more hours. It would have really sucked having to leave as soon as we were done.

Side note: When Master read the "Self Image" post He said that He's happy I'm feeling more comfortable in my skin again.

And I thought about that as we were sitting there goofing off. I do feel more comfortable in my skin and as a result I'm more like myself. I never hold back on my personality when I'm around my dad. After all, he's pretty much the same as I am regarding sense of humor and tastes in the more morbid things. But I guess I just feel different now. Odd, isn't it?

So, I'm feeling pretty good and I think Master has noticed it as well. He's been smiling a lot the past few days when He looks at me.

Since I'm feeling more comfortable in my skin I decided fuck it, I'll start letting go of that whole "I don't want to be that girl so I'll hold back on x,y,z."

We are on a social network website and most of our family members and friends are there too. So I posted the following picture on it:

I know it may not seem like much, but it's a step for me. Everyone has always known I'm odd. And I'm not sure why that picture makes me proud of the fact that I even posted it. Maybe because it's Wednesday Addams. I looked up to her and Morticia Addams when I was young. Hell I still do. Who the hell am I kidding? They are my image of a kick ass girl/woman. Talk about being comfortable in your skin! These bitches didn't care and thought they were the normal ones! Love it!

Self Image

I have no idea why, but a thought ran through my head today. It has to do with self image. No, I'm not saying I have a bad one. It's just one thing I noticed today.

My hair was long my entire life. In fact my dad had a rule that I was not allowed to cut my hair. Period. End of fucking story. I was allowed to trim it and that was it. I think why Dad had that rule is because I'm a girl and damn it girls should have long hair.

Since I was and am a rocker chick I loved long hair anyway. So it never bothered me. What does being a rocker chick have to do with long hair? I was big into 80's metal which meant long as hell hair, whether it be on a guy or girl. Never mind I was born in 1983 and most of my adolescence took place in the 90's. My music tastes were pretty much strictly set in the decade I was born rather than the one I actually grew up in.

So, as I said, I had no problem keeping my hair long. And when I met Master it was long, obviously. I was only 20 when I met him and had never once cut my hair short. And He loved it. He thought my hair was gorgeous. And back then I was putting blonde streaks in it. (I'm a brunette.) Eventually I stopped doing that and got my hair all back to one color. But the length of my hair never changed.

Then one summer, I honestly don't remember how long ago it was, I asked permission to cut my hair. I know we were already married by then, although I think it was rather early in the marriage itself. I had asked because the summer was extremely hot and I get migraines from having my hair up too long. And that summer I was having it up almost constantly. So my migraines were more frequent.

He granted me that permission and so I went off to a hair salon. They actually went shorter than I had initially wanted to go, by about an inch. On my way home I was nervous. Long beautiful hair our entire relationship and I'm going to walk in the door with my hair was now hanging just beneath my chin. It was short. And it seemed even shorter because my hair is naturally curly, on the ends especially.

So I walk in the door and nervously waited for His reaction. He actually liked it. I thought it looked nice. It took me a long time to get used to though. And then once the summer was over I started to grow it longer again. However, the following summer I chopped it again. Only this time Master cut it. It was the same reason as before. Too damn hot and my fucking migraine issue.

That was the last time my hair was cut. We had agreed that the novelty had worn off. I think that's one of the reasons why He liked it in the beginning. It was something new and had turned out well.

As I said though the novelty had worn off. I wanted my hair longer again and He agreed. We both feel that it looks better than me having short hair. And if I need to cool off in the summer I will not be cutting my hair. I'll put it in a damn ponytail and deal with it. Or I'll grab one of my baseball hats and put my hair through the opening in the back where the snaps are and put it up that way, which doesn't trigger a migraine.

So it's grown this whole time. It's been well over two years. I'd dare say closer to three or three and a half. It's taken a long as hell time. And it was one of those things where I didn't even really notice until I started laying on it or sitting back on the couch and trying to move my head just to realize that my hair was stuck behind me.

And after I noticed that I smiled. He did too. That started last year ago. Now? Now it's back to it's old length. It reaches the middle of my back again! I'm going to of course let it continue to grow.

The reason I'm comparing all of this to self image is because I looked through some older pictures the other day and I came across quite a few where I had short hair. As in when we first cut it. And I don't look bad. I really don't. But I find myself only being able to say I look cute. Not sexy. Not hot. Just cute. Since I don't look my age to begin with the short hair just added to that fact and I think looking back now, it worked against me and how attractive I found myself.

As I was walking to the car today, I didn't have a winter hat on for the first time in a while now. And I felt the wind blow my hair back and play with it, moving it all over the place. I happened to catch myself in the reflection of a window and realized that I absolutely love how my hair looks. (I still play with the idea of adding streaks to it but I don't think it's going to happen.)

I wouldn't call me "cute" anymore. I feel sexier with long hair. There is no other way to really describe it. I look more like how I think I should look. I feel more like myself with longer hair. In fact as I'm typing this and kind of bopping to the music pumping through my ear buds I feel my hair flowing down my back and resting against my arm to the point that I feel it past my elbow. I love it.

And I honestly feel that Master finds me sexier with longer hair. Not that He didn't find me attractive with short hair. I just see a difference in both of us when I have long hair versus when I had shorter hair.

I feel like the sexy rocker chick that I love feeling like. Now all I have to do is start exercising more. I'm not fat or anything. And I don't feel that way. I'm probably at 115lbs right now, tops. But I miss feeling toned. I think that's really my only problem. I don't feel toned.

I want the whole look. My hair is there again, finally. Now I just have to get that toned feeling back and I'm good to fucking go.

Dull Girl

Today seemed to drag on forever. Especially this morning. I have no idea why. It didn't help that it was a rather slow day work load wise. That always seems to make the day drag on even more.

Another thing I don't understand about days where I don't have a lot to do at work is how mentally exhausted I feel. I feel so fuzzy tonight. It's almost like I'm having a hard time focusing on one thing for an extended period of time. I don't know. Maybe my brain just wasn't stimulated enough to day to actually get fully jump started.

There is nothing really going on. At all. Across the board.

I don't have to take the passenger in the carpool to or from work on Friday. And it's my half day Friday so that's nice. But as soon as I get home on Friday we'll be running down to my father's. More eBay stuff. I'm glad we're doing it on Friday though. As I said in a post not that long ago I've been looking forward to a weekend at home with Master and nothing going on. So I will technically still be getting that as it's happening on Friday.

Other than that we have no plans going on. So I think that it'll be a rather lazy weekend. Not that I'm complaining. Not one bit.

Although I am hoping to get a little kink in this weekend. All work and no play makes Kitten a dull girl.

We've been having great sex and enjoying one another in general. But I am hoping for a little something extra this weekend, if we're both up to it. Hell, who knows, we just may both feel like lazing about the living room all weekend.

Ride Home

Not a lot to post about today. Master and I were both pretty tired last night. Not as in wow I need to get some sleep but rather a general lazy feeling I guess is the way to put it. It didn't help that it's been dreary out for the past couple of days. So Master had me go to bed on time last night. Thankfully today the sun actually peeped out of the clouds today.

Work was pretty boring. In fact I was worried it was going to be a slow day because the morning was so slow work wise. But as soon as I came back from my lunch break it picked up and before I knew it, it was time to go home.

I had a couple of stops to make before I went home. That's been happening a lot. For the past two weeks it seems that every work night there is something I have to do before I can go home, aside from dropping off the passenger in the carpool I mean.

It's not that bad. I mean it's normally just one or two stops and they are normally quick but still. It would be nice to just come straight home. It looks like that will happen tomorrow! Yay!

There is absolutely nothing that I'll have to do before I come home. We have everything we need from the grocery store, there is enough gas in the car, the animals don't need anything and I don't need to stop at the bank for any reason.

So tomorrow I can just drop the passenger off and come home. And if I'm not mistaken I get to do that on Thursday too!

I know it probably sound stupid but I'm looking forward to it. If anything it'll seem odd to me. *laughs*

As Promised

Master fulfilled His promise, as He always does.

After the animals were set up for the night, Master told me to go into the bathroom and get the water to the temperature I wanted it at. So I got set up and got myself soaked down.

He slid aside the shower curtain and joined me. (Side note.. I hope to one day have a shower with a glass door instead of a damn shower curtain.)

He scrubbed me down first with my loofah and favorite body wash. Of course as He was doing so He made sure to cop a feel repeatedly. Yet another reason why I love it when He joins me in the shower. He then carefully moved me so I was under the shower head. I rinsed off and got my hair wet.

He moved me back to where I had been so that the shower head was behind Him. He started to work on washing my hair. At one point He had it so my back was resting against Him so that I could get the front of my hair easier. I snaked my arm behind me and started stroking His cock. He allowed it for a while but then told me that if I wanted to finish having my hair washed I should stop. It was a playful remark but I stopped and behaved myself.

It's always so damn relaxing when He washes my hair. He rinsed my hair out and then rinsed Himself off and hopped out of the shower. I shaved and then hopped out myself.

We relaxed for a while in the living room for a while watching porn just for the hell of it. After a little while we went back to the bedroom. He ravaged my tits with His mouth before sliding down and eating me out in the most delicious way. I love His mouth. It's so damn talented. Kissing, biting, nipping, chewing, licking, sucking... *happy sigh*

I got off hard. It was like an electric storm running through my entire nervous system. I was panting hard when the orgasm started to subside.

He let me catch my breath before gripping my throat and forcing me to kneel up, turn around, and put me on all fours. His grip grew tighter as He slowly slipped His cock into me. The tighter His grip on my throat became the harder His slammed His cock into me until finally He ordered me to cum. My head was spinning. It was wonderful.

He had me bow down after that and allowed me to cum three more times before taking our pillows and using them to prop up my hips. I was His toy now. I was no longer allowed to cum. The position we ended up in was almost doggy style except for His hips were up a bit higher due to the angle. Gods did it feel incredible.

He placed one hand on my shoulder and the other on my hip. The closer He got to His own orgasm the more His nails dug into my flesh. Until finally at His climax I felt them break skin. *shivers*

He pulled me close to Him once we had figured out which pillow was who's and collapsed onto the bed. We cuddled for a while before going back out into the living room. He had decided to allow me to stay up past my bedtime which was really nice of Him. Needless to say I went to bed in a room that reeked of sex, laying in the wet spot, smiling.

Oral Fixation Satisfied

Today has been a really relaxing and good day. We lazed about all morning, which was nice and very much needed.

At some point, for absolutely no reason, I got horny. So as we're watching TV I look over to Him and ask if He wants to go fool around after the episode is done. Yes, I know.. very smooth and romantic. *laughs*

So off to the bedroom we went. He was already laying on His side when I walked into the bedroom so I slid onto my side of the bed, resting on my stomach. He pulled me close to Him and started gently rubbing my lower back and ass. We nuzzled a bit and kissed gently.

I gave Him one last kiss and the slid down the bed until I could take His cock into my mouth. It had been a while, not for a lack of wanting to but due to my having a cold sore.

So when my lips were finally around His cock and I heard that first moan I closed my eyes and shivered a little bit. I ran my tongue around the underside of His dick, enjoying the taste of His skin.

After a few more flicks of my tongue I reluctantly pulled my head back and asked Him if He could please sit up so it would be easier.

As soon as felt the head of His cock press against the roof of my mouth I knew that I wanted to suck Him off rather than fuck. He just smiled and got Himself positioned. I slipped in between His legs and He quickly gathered my hair. As you can imagine, we've had a lot of practice at that so it's almost one smooth motion. *smirks*

I had to stop twice, which annoyed me. My jaw was getting too tight and I had to pull back so that I could move my jaw around a little before I could continue. At the second time Master assured me that if my jaw was too tight then I didn't have to finish the blowjob. Damn my TMJ!

But I decided to be stubborn. I wanted His cum to shoot down my throat and so I continued. He didn't stop me so obviously He didn't mind my being stubborn at that point. Finally He was reaching His climax. I pushed my mouth down even farther and massaged His cock with my tongue as quickly as I could. His cum shot down my throat and I honestly had to swallow twice before the flow stopped. His hand slipped out of my hair and I swallowed one last time before moving so He could lay down on His side of the bed.

I curled up next to Him and we quietly cuddled for a while. He gave me pets. I love pets! (It's when He lovingly strokes my hair or skin.... basically like petting a cat...)

As He was doing so He told me that I had been good lately minus some minor playful bratty comments/actions. And because of that He was going to join me in the shower tonight and wash my hair and scrub me down. I love it when He does that.

I also have the promise of being allowed to cum later!

I don't suck His cock in order to gain rewards. I do it because it's what He wants and because I absolutely love doing it.

I know He isn't rewarding me because of one simple blowjob. He feels I deserve it and I also know that He enjoys pampering me. I'm lucky like that.

Rough Days

Last night we got home pretty late last night. Rather than going to my dad's today, we ended up going last night. Last minute reschedule basically. As a result, Master just allowed me to skip the post. It had been a rough day in general. My car got stuck twice just trying to get out of the parking lot, work seemed to take forever and as soon as I pulled up to our place Master hopped in the car and we headed down to Dad's.

We had a good time while we were there though. We were able to borrow a TV DVD set and Dad also allowed me to borrow some of his CDs. That actually amazed me since he is very protective of his CD collection. He knows I'll be careful with them, of course, but it's just how he is.

We did the pictures and description notes for items he wanted to put up on eBay. We chilled for about an hour after that. We had a really good time. We didn't get home until 9pm and immediately we had to take care of the animals. Finally we were able to relax. It had been a long day for me but at least I had fun at my dad's house.

Today I went down to my mother's by myself. Master hurt his neck and wasn't really feeling up to it. So rather than going down at 1pm I got there at about 10:30am. I didn't really see the point in waiting around and my mom was okay with it. Once I got home I relaxed a bit and put up all the eBay items.

Today also marks the anniversary of my grandmother's passing. It's been 19 years as of today. I still miss her very much and I am usually emotional when the day comes but I feel that I've handled it rather well. Master hasn't said otherwise, so I think He agrees with that.

Yesterday also marked the anniversary of the day I got into a bad car accident which then led me to this bullshit chronic pain I've been dealing with since I was 12. I don't get emotional about that at all, but it just reminds me of how long that has been and how long I've been dealing with it. I'm used to it now, of course, but still.

Tomorrow will be a just us day. Next weekend will hopefully be a just us weekend. So far we have no plans at all with anyone.

Two Part Assignment

Master gave me an assignment today. It's been quite some time since I've had one honestly. But really, after such a long time of being together, there isn't a lot He could assign that I haven't done before. Probably done it twice by now. *laughs*

My assignment today was two-fold. First I was to go through my sex toys and finally get rid of some. The collection just continued to grow and honestly I either had only used some of them a handful of times. And as I dug through the collection I realized that some of them I had never opened. There were only one or two of them but still. Never. Been. Opened. Seriously?

So I threw those out. After all if I haven't touched them by now then I'm not going to. The collection is a lot smaller now.

I kept four anal plugs, one vibrator and two pyrex dildos. So as you can imagine, quite a few of them were tossed out.

Before I could actually throw any out though Master came back into the bedroom once I was done and sifted through them. He then looked at the toys I kept. He nodded His head in approval. So out they went!

The second part of the assignment was to go through the pictures we have on the computer and put the ones I either didn't like or there were duplicates that had been re-sized and put them in a separate folder on the computer.

That took longer than I thought it would. But then again we're talking pictures over the span of our relationship. Unfortunately we had lost some over the past two computers we had in the past that crashed and we hadn't backed them up. But what are ya gonna do, ya know?

Finally I had gone through each and every one of them. There were a lot more re-sized pictures than I realized. Hell, Master didn't even realize that we had that many. Once I had gone through them all and placed the ones I didn't like and the re-sized ones in the folder He had set aside for me, I hopped off the computer. He promptly sat down and looked through the folder I had moved the unwanted pictures to.

I was a little surprised when He agreed with them all and deleted them from the computer. The only reason I say I was surprised is because He had obviously kept them to begin with. I'm glad that He agreed with me though.

So my assignments are complete! I feel that I've accomplished something.

I Need A Break

I ended up passing out on the couch last night. I was all comfy and watching TV with Master. I was wide the fuck awake and the next thing I know it's midnight and Master is waking me up to tell me that I should go to bed now. I hate it when that happens.

Again tonight I feel wide awake and I am hoping that Master will allow me to stay up a little late tonight. We had more errands to run than usual and then the movie we watched during dinner was longer than I had remembered. So literally I didn't start my nightly routine until just now. When that happens I normally feel some what rushed as I want down time that is longer than an hour and a half before I go to bed.

My normal bedtime is only two hours away and I still have to finish this post, do my mood tracker, take my shower, take my meds and by that time it'll be damn near time to go to sleep. *sad face*

Thankfully I only have to get through two more days of work before I don't have to worry about a bedtime for two nights. I think that's one of my favorite things about weekends. I don't have to worry about a bedtime. That is unless of course we have to get up early the next day. But that is far and few between.

I will say though, I'm glad that I've scheduled a four day weekend for April. My vacation time renews in March and the middle of April makes the most sense. April is a pretty slow month at work and if I'm going to take time off work I prefer the middle of the month. It helps break it up. I've scheduled more days off but they all revolve around holidays that we get the day off work for, to make those longer. It seems like a smart way of using them. And even after that I'll still have 6 vacation days left and about 4 days work of personal time.

Jam Packed Saturday

Well it looks like this weekend is not going to be the weekend off I thought it might be. Next weekend will be!

My dad had just visited this past Friday and yet when I talked to him Sunday he asked if we could come down. *laughs* He wants to do more eBay stuff. So we'll be going down there on Saturday. Since we'll be in the area anyway, we'll be visiting my mother before hand. It's just easier instead of trying to visit on separate days/weekends/etc. Oh the joys of divorced parents. But at least they live within 20 minutes of each other. My mom is actually on the way to my dad's house, which is kind of funny.

I've been taking to listening to music on my ear buds while I'm doing my blog posts lately. I don't know why. But since that day I just needed to zone out and decided to handle it that way I've realized how much I missed listening to music while I'm dicking around on the computer. So, it's kind of become a habit. When I go to do my post I almost immediately grab my ear buds.

I ask Master if it's okay first of course, but He hasn't denied me yet. Since I'm using my ear buds it doesn't matter to Him what music I'm listening to.

We normally have the same taste in music but there are one or two bands that we almost totally disagree on and of course there are random songs that I love but He hates and the same in reverse. So, normally when I'm listening to music on my ear buds I play the stuff I love but He hates. Everyone is happy!

Anyway....

Aside from Saturday being jam packed, the weekend is rather uneventful. At least we'll have Sunday all to ourselves and after that next weekend should be completely free. Yay!

That Girl

There is a part of me that I down play a lot. And I do mean a lot. Just what the hell am I talking about, right? I mean I'm open and all that about mostly everything else. I'm loud. I swear a lot. Generally I have an attitude to me.

But there is something that I down play only because I don't want to be known as that girl. And no I'm not talking about our dynamic, my being submissive or my sexuality in general. The only thing I can really think to do to explain it is to delve into it instead of just hinting at it in length.

I do not consider myself a goth. I do not consider myself emo. In fact I'd rather be labeled as a goth. A lot of people would say I'm rather morbid. A little sick in the head.

I enjoy walking in cemeteries. I think some mausoleums are beautiful and wish I could have one that nice when I pass.

I like creepy shit. I love ceramic pieces that are skeletons, skulls, graveyards, etc. In fact I have a crystal skull. It's small but it's so damn pretty. I absolutely love it. I wish I could afford to have a collection of them in varying sizes.

A lot of people would say I get this from my father. He has his whole house dedicated to that kind of stuff year round. It just gets worse at Halloween. *laughs* He has four coffins. Two of them he built himself, another is a local theater prop that they weren't using anymore and the last one? Yeah. A real coffin. It is one that a local funeral home had been using as a "renter". Basically when a body is to be cremated, nine times out of ten they use a renter coffin for the wake. He owns an antique embalming table. And I inherit these things when he passes. Yes, I will be keeping a few of them if I have the room to do so.

He owned a hearse (again, yes a real one) for many years and he actually let me drive it when I got my learner's permit. Eventually he just couldn't afford to keep up with the repairs it needed to stay in good working order. So he sold it. Now he is saving up for another one and I'm trying to help him with that because it's not an easy car to find for sale. Especially an older one. All of the ones I'm finding online that are even remotely in the area are all 1990 and higher. Hell, there was a 2001! And you're damn straight I'm going to ask to drive it as soon as he gets another one.

But anyway.... yeah. That's basically what I normally down play a lot. My Husband is literally the only one who knows how I exactly think and feel about such things. Yes, not even my father knows all of it. I even down play it a bit with him. Why? I don't know.

For instance I want a black and gray tattoo on my right forearm of a skull and a rose. I want a long stemmed rose that goes the length of my forearm with a skull peeking out from behind it. Why? Because I love the image and actually find it somewhat romantic as it reminds me of some of my favorite Edgar Alan Poe poems.

So what made me want to write this post suddenly? Well, oddly enough it's something Master did on a social network site. He posted this picture and typed out that it reminds Him of me:

It doesn't seem like much. Most people would just raise an eyebrow or maybe even chuckle a bit but would move on. But it made me think of how I am and who I am and how it really sucks that I have always down played that to the point that I don't even collect the things I mentioned above because I don't want to be seen as that girl. Never mind almost no one ever visits, but still... That's sad.

So fuck it. The next time I see something along those lines that I like and can afford I'm fucking buying it and displaying it on the computer desk.

And I'm getting that damn tattoo. Yes, I stopped myself from doing that for the exact same reason.

Frisky

Last night Master and I were feeling frisky after watching some porn, so off to the bedroom we went.

I enjoy watching Him masturbate so I sat between His legs as He laid on His back. I'm honestly not sure what exactly excites me about it. It just does. Once He was done He went into the bathroom to wash the lube off and I asked Him if He would please eat me out once He was done. Thankfully the man likes doing that. It didn't take too long from the point His tongue hit my clit to when I got off.

I honestly wasn't expecting it but once I got off He grabbed my waist and flipped me over in such a way that I ended up being on all fours. He quickly entered me once He let go of my waist.

He wasn't really rough with me but He let me know who was in charge. He allowed me to get off twice before filling me with His cum.

After we had both caught our breath we went back into the living room for a while. We decided not to watch the rest of the porn. *laughs*

It's been a while since I watched Him masturbate. Then again when a guy can get blown or laid, why would they want to use their hand?

He indulges me sometimes though. Thankfully I had found a masturbation sleeve that He not only likes but is clear so I can see everything and not just the toy going up and down His cock. And this is another thing I don't really understand, but I prefer watching Him use the toy rather than His hand.

Don't get me wrong it's still hot seeing Him jerk off with His hand but the fact that He's using a toy turns me on more. Maybe because I'm normally His fuck toy? Hell, He's even told me that He's using my pussy to jerk Himself off. Normally those are the times where my ass is in the air and is grabbing onto my hips, digging His fingers and nails into my flesh while bouncing me off His cock. I love it when He does that.

I'm just an odd girl I guess. Yes, I do realize that this fact was apparent to all of you prior to this post.

Ear Buds

Today has been one of those days where I don't quite know what to do for entertainment. I mean, we watched a movie I had specifically asked to watch and that was fun. I enjoyed watching it and all that. But before that and since then I have no idea what the hell to do. I'm bored. Now, the typical answer to being bored is to do something to entertain yourself but for some reason today I have no idea what to do.

Master has been suggesting things left and right but none of it sounds good. I don't wanna watch that show, or that one, or that one. I don't really feel like watching another movie either.

Reading a book doesn't sound entertaining either. I guess I feel restless yet lazy at the same time.

I'm not depressed. Just bored, restless and yet don't really feel like doing anything. Yes, I know that doesn't makes sense. Hell, it doesn't make sense to me. It's just where I'm at mentally.

Eventually Master suggested that I just do my nightly routine then. My nightly routine is to put in an entry for my mood tracker, do my blog post and then go take my shower.

My mood tracker entry is done. I didn't really have much to put there either. So now I'm doing my blog post while listening to music on you tube through my ear buds.

And honestly the music seems to be helping a bit. I feel a little more perked up now. Sometimes that's all I really need is to listen to some music and not have any other noise going on. Hence, the ear buds. Also, its' that band Master doesn't like.

Yeah, now I'm taking breaks from typing to bop my head a little bit and sway in the computer chair to the music. So I would say it's helping.

I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier. Sometimes, when I was a teenager, the best thing for me to do when I just wanted to get away for a little bit was to go to my room, turn on some music, plug my ear buds in and not focus on anything else for a while. That always seems to help.

It doesn't have to be stress related. It helps when I'm restless too. You wouldn't think it would help seems being restless usually means you want to move because you can't sit still but it really does. It has to be ear buds though so that's the only thing I hear.

Hosting

Today was the day that my dad drove up to visit us. It's probably been about two years since he came to our place for a visit rather than us going down there. (See, I told you no one ever visits us here... *laughs*)

So when he called us to tell us he was heading up I was a little more than a bit surprised when he said he remembered the way up here. He's only been here a handful of times and like I said the last one was about two years ago. But sure as shit he remembered.

The only problem is that right before my dad pulled up, Master came in from taking the dog out saying that one of our neighbor's needed a jump start. Shit. She doesn't speak a lot of English so it was hard to find out exactly what happened.

Well, while we were out there getting it set up for the jump I was nervous because I had told my father to call when he pulls up since our doorbell doesn't work. I was worried that he would call the house phone while we were outside.

It's bitterly fucking cold out by the way.

And sure as shit my dad called my cell phone about five minutes of us being out there. He said he had called the house phone first but when he didn't get a pick up he thought he'd try my cell. I rushed out front to tell him what was going on and to apologize. He said he understood and walked back there with me. He used to be a mechanic. He can't do it anymore because of his back but man you mention a car and he's all over it.

I had mentioned that I think the battery might be dead and that the jump wasn't going to help and once my dad got back there and here the "click-click* when the woman was trying to start her vehicle, he confirmed that a jump wasn't going to help one damn bit. Either the battery was completely dead and she needed a new one or her battery is frozen from just sitting there for over a week while this cold burst was going on. Either way a jump wasn't going to do shit.

So we unhooked the car and the three of us went inside after trying to explain it to the neighbor as best we could. She seemed to understand when we walked away and thanked us.

Dad was here for about three hours. We mainly just talked, watched some Netflix and joked around. I showed Dad some stuff on the computer and all that. He was kind enough to buy us dinner. We all wanted pizza from a particular place but they don't deliver so I ran out to get it. Dad was buying so I did the flying.

It was actually really nice having him up here. I will say that I still prefer going down there though. I'm not sure why. Probably because that's what I'm used to.