Yes, I'll try to make sense now. Sorry about that. As some of my long time blog readers may remember, or if you've read far enough back in the blog archives you know that before I was medicated I was continuously going through periods of time where I wanted my collar off. I've had several collars over the course of our relationship. But shortly before we got married I had an eternity collar. I loved that collar. I've loved all of my collars, but that one always meant the most to me. I literally could not take it off. It was locked on.
But during my cycles of absolute craziness when my moods would just be all over the place there were times I wanted to rip that collar off and tell Him that that particular portion of our relationship was over. I was convinced that if that collar was gone everything would be fine and everything would be better.
I can't remember how many times I did that. How many times I put Him, put us, through that. And each and every time the very instant that collar was off my neck I would cry. Not just cry. I would sob. As soon as it was off my neck and in His hand I felt lost. It had become a security blanket and now it was gone. What the fuck was I going to do without it? What was I going to do without His status over me?
I didn't know. And it was scary. It wasn't until it was off that I realized that I never wanted to actually do that. That wasn't the problem. Please, please Master put it back. I want it back. I need it back. There were times where He would make me wait and earn it back.
I remember the last time it came off my neck because I asked... no demanded... that it be taken off and I said I didn't want the dynamic anymore. He looked me dead in the eye and told me that if He took it off then He was throwing it away. And I vividly remember saying that I didn't care if He threw it out. I remember how I felt in that exact moment. High and mighty. Completely convinced that this was it. I didn't need it. I didn't want it. Get it the fuck off me. Now.
And He took it off. I refused to look at it. I had my back turned as He went to throw it into the garbage. I heard it go in. I didn't see it but I heard something being thrown in the garbage.
I don't remember how long it took that time. But I remember coming down from my rage and suddenly crashing into sobbing and groveling at His feet to have it back.
Long story short on that one He hadn't thrown it away. He had thrown something else in the garbage to make it sound like He had. He knew I was going to beg for it back. And He put it back on my neck telling me that it was never coming off again. I readily agreed. It was shortly after that when I finally started seeking help and was diagnosed as bipolar and was placed on medication.
From the last time He put that collar on my neck and I've become medicated I have never once asked to be released from His service. I never even thought about taking the collar off. Not once.
Side note: I never thought about ending our relationship or our marriage. It was only the dynamic that I ever went back and forth on.
Then came the day that I had to take my beloved eternity collar off for the last time. It's been over a year now.
I hate my metal allergy. I hated it the most that day.
I was thinking about it today. I had wanted that thing off my neck how many times when I wasn't medicated and now here I am, medicated and stable, and I can never wear it again no matter how much I want to. I want to so very badly.
I don't need it in order to be His slave. I don't need it to prove to anyone that I am His slave. And yes, I still have my wedding ring and my cuff. Not to mention the tattoos.
But my collar is the one thing I went back and forth on and now I'm so much better and I can't wear it. I worked hard to earn my eternity collar. I really did. I went through several stages of collars to reach that one. And I toyed with it as if it didn't matter.
My wedding ring will always mean the most to me. There is absolutely no doubt about it. But that collar came in second. The cuff was third.
The other night Master actually brought up my collar. Or maybe I did. Either way, the subject came up and we admitted that we both miss it. He smiled and said that at least my neck is easier to get to now. He has always loved choking me and biting my neck. And I've always loved Him doing it.
He did say that He had been thinking about getting me something that wouldn't trigger my metal allergy and wouldn't really function as a collar in the same way as that one did, but would put something on my neck.
For a collar to function like that one it has to be a piece of metal that locks on and be worn 24/7. Well, the only way that would ever happen is to buy a titanium one and that is simply out of the question financially speaking.
And yes, I know that I had said we were talking about weaning me off of it prior to it having to come off due to possible job changes. But ya know what? I don't know if that was ever really going to happen. I mean I had gotten my current job and several other jobs while wearing it. So why would it effect it now
*sigh*
He was talking about a fabric choker of some kind. I think those are beautiful, depending on how they are made, but it's simply not the same.
I do want something on my neck again. I just don't know what. Who knows. Maybe my neck will just remain bare.
I really fucking miss my collar.
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