Self Image

I have no idea why, but a thought ran through my head today. It has to do with self image. No, I'm not saying I have a bad one. It's just one thing I noticed today.

My hair was long my entire life. In fact my dad had a rule that I was not allowed to cut my hair. Period. End of fucking story. I was allowed to trim it and that was it. I think why Dad had that rule is because I'm a girl and damn it girls should have long hair.

Since I was and am a rocker chick I loved long hair anyway. So it never bothered me. What does being a rocker chick have to do with long hair? I was big into 80's metal which meant long as hell hair, whether it be on a guy or girl. Never mind I was born in 1983 and most of my adolescence took place in the 90's. My music tastes were pretty much strictly set in the decade I was born rather than the one I actually grew up in.

So, as I said, I had no problem keeping my hair long. And when I met Master it was long, obviously. I was only 20 when I met him and had never once cut my hair short. And He loved it. He thought my hair was gorgeous. And back then I was putting blonde streaks in it. (I'm a brunette.) Eventually I stopped doing that and got my hair all back to one color. But the length of my hair never changed.

Then one summer, I honestly don't remember how long ago it was, I asked permission to cut my hair. I know we were already married by then, although I think it was rather early in the marriage itself. I had asked because the summer was extremely hot and I get migraines from having my hair up too long. And that summer I was having it up almost constantly. So my migraines were more frequent.

He granted me that permission and so I went off to a hair salon. They actually went shorter than I had initially wanted to go, by about an inch. On my way home I was nervous. Long beautiful hair our entire relationship and I'm going to walk in the door with my hair was now hanging just beneath my chin. It was short. And it seemed even shorter because my hair is naturally curly, on the ends especially.

So I walk in the door and nervously waited for His reaction. He actually liked it. I thought it looked nice. It took me a long time to get used to though. And then once the summer was over I started to grow it longer again. However, the following summer I chopped it again. Only this time Master cut it. It was the same reason as before. Too damn hot and my fucking migraine issue.

That was the last time my hair was cut. We had agreed that the novelty had worn off. I think that's one of the reasons why He liked it in the beginning. It was something new and had turned out well.

As I said though the novelty had worn off. I wanted my hair longer again and He agreed. We both feel that it looks better than me having short hair. And if I need to cool off in the summer I will not be cutting my hair. I'll put it in a damn ponytail and deal with it. Or I'll grab one of my baseball hats and put my hair through the opening in the back where the snaps are and put it up that way, which doesn't trigger a migraine.

So it's grown this whole time. It's been well over two years. I'd dare say closer to three or three and a half. It's taken a long as hell time. And it was one of those things where I didn't even really notice until I started laying on it or sitting back on the couch and trying to move my head just to realize that my hair was stuck behind me.

And after I noticed that I smiled. He did too. That started last year ago. Now? Now it's back to it's old length. It reaches the middle of my back again! I'm going to of course let it continue to grow.

The reason I'm comparing all of this to self image is because I looked through some older pictures the other day and I came across quite a few where I had short hair. As in when we first cut it. And I don't look bad. I really don't. But I find myself only being able to say I look cute. Not sexy. Not hot. Just cute. Since I don't look my age to begin with the short hair just added to that fact and I think looking back now, it worked against me and how attractive I found myself.

As I was walking to the car today, I didn't have a winter hat on for the first time in a while now. And I felt the wind blow my hair back and play with it, moving it all over the place. I happened to catch myself in the reflection of a window and realized that I absolutely love how my hair looks. (I still play with the idea of adding streaks to it but I don't think it's going to happen.)

I wouldn't call me "cute" anymore. I feel sexier with long hair. There is no other way to really describe it. I look more like how I think I should look. I feel more like myself with longer hair. In fact as I'm typing this and kind of bopping to the music pumping through my ear buds I feel my hair flowing down my back and resting against my arm to the point that I feel it past my elbow. I love it.

And I honestly feel that Master finds me sexier with longer hair. Not that He didn't find me attractive with short hair. I just see a difference in both of us when I have long hair versus when I had shorter hair.

I feel like the sexy rocker chick that I love feeling like. Now all I have to do is start exercising more. I'm not fat or anything. And I don't feel that way. I'm probably at 115lbs right now, tops. But I miss feeling toned. I think that's really my only problem. I don't feel toned.

I want the whole look. My hair is there again, finally. Now I just have to get that toned feeling back and I'm good to fucking go.