I Needed That

I am always submissive to Master. I may be a brat from time to time.. okay I am a brat from time to time. But that doesn't mean that I am not submissive to Him or not His slave at that exact moment. I am always that.

But there are times where I feel more submissive than other times. I don't know if that makes any sense to any of my readers or not. But it's a difficult thing to describe. It's like being in my sub space for an extended period of time. There are sometimes actions that He takes or things that happen that force that upon me. And other times it's just the mind set I have for absolutely no reason.

This morning I woke up that way. And I know why. I always get that way after anal sex. Even more so now that I've started to have orgasms during it.

Every time, immediately after and through the next morning when I wake up my head is stuck in that deep sub space, which isn't a bad thing. Not at all.

Those are the times where I feel like I got what I needed. It's not that I don't get what I need sexually on a very regular basis. It's more of a I didn't know I needed it until after it actually happened. I can't be alone in knowing what that feels like.

Hell, the night before that Master was fucking me and had one of my legs up and resting my ankle on His shoulder, leaning forward and just pounding into me. I asked Him to choke me. The thought struck me out of no where and before it could go through a filter I had already said it out loud. He was more than happy to choke me. He had already been biting the hell out of my neck and shoulders, so why not use His hand to play with my delicate, exposed, defenseless throat?

I came right before my eyes started to hurt. He quickly released His grip and chuckled darkly.

I needed that. Apparently I didn't realize it until the thought slipped past my lips.

He has been praising me about such things actually. I have this mental block, yes even after all these years, of not asking for what I want/need because it's not about me. It's about Him. It's not that I don't participate. Trust me. I do. It's just the verbal part of it. And He wants more of that. He wants to hear such things and keeps telling me that He still has final say so it shouldn't matter. That mental road block should not exist. Why? Because it's something He wants me to do and since He has final say He can still deny me my request.

Slowly that mental block is being broken down. Lately it's been happening at a higher rate, which is interesting. I have gone through periods of time before where I had no problem at all with asking, but out of no where, through no fault of my own or His, that block wedged itself back into my brain.

I'm hoping this time it stays away. I'm really enjoying being more outspoken and talking dirty. And I know damn well He is loving the hell out of it. I can tell by His reactions and His words. I'm not sure why, but this time it's almost like His reactions and words are affecting me more heavily. It's like the weight of it is forcing that mental block back and taking it down brick by brick.

Also, it's hot to know that even if I expose my wants and needs to Him in the heat of the moment like I have been, that He can and probably sometimes will deny my request. It really doesn't matter. Not at all. That's the part that is really sticking with me the more I think about it. My wants and needs don't matter in that way. He can deny them. So there is no reason why I shouldn't ask/describe what I need or want. Hell, He may hear it and think it's a great fucking idea and find that He wanted that exact thing and just didn't know it until I brought it up.