January 22, 2013

Justified Anger

One of the worst things about being bipolar, for me, is the fact that I have to second guess whether or not my emotional reactions to something are within "normal" ranges.So not only am I emotional at that exact moment but while I'm reacting to a situation I have to attempt to separate myself a tiny bit to see if I am overreacting or if I am within "normal" ranges. It's difficult as hell.

Today is a good example of that.

My day was very, very boring until the ride home. Some asshole almost took off my front bumper. Not once. Twice. Same car.

A car was behind me. Apparently I wasn't going fast enough for the person behind me as they continued to ride my ass. Well fuck you very much I'm not speeding up even more. I don't need a ticket and traffic was heavy. So I see from my rear view mirror that he ducked into the next lane. Fine. Thank you for getting off my ass.

Then he decides he wants to cut me off. Not only cut me off but damn near take my front bumper with him. I blared the horn and he flipped me off.

*deep breath*

Okay. No problem. I'm safe. The car is fine. Let's just continue the ride home.

I have no idea how or when but this son of a bitch got behind me again. He must have continued to duck lanes and somehow got stuck behind someone only to get behind me again.

He does his duck and move again only this time he decides to do it on a curve. I am so glad I had slowed down when I noticed he moved from behind me because even though I had let off on the gas pedal he still damn near took my front bumper. I have a feeling that if I had continued at the speed I was originally going I would have been making a dreaded phone call to Master telling him that I was in an accident.

More irritated now. Okay. It's alright. The night is almost over. Let's just get this over with.

I drop off the guy in my carpool and then go to the gas station. I go in to put money on a gas card, get cigarettes (yes we still smoke... we suck at quitting...), soda and some chips.

They don't have the soda. Whatever. That doesn't bother me one way or another. They don't have Master's cigarettes. Shit. That means I have to go to a different gas station before I go home. Fine.

It took them three tries to get my payment to go through. Then they told me that they forgot to ring up one of the items. Gah! So they ring that up and I pay for it.

I take the gas card and go out to the gas pump. They only put $10 on my gas card rather than the $20 I told them to put on. So I put the gas  in my tank while freezing half to death and then sit in my car and pull out the receipts to see what the fuck had happened.

I had paid the $20 in cash and the rest by card. The $20 in cash was from the guy in my carpool. I always keep a gas only gift card to put the money he gives me on so that I know that is exactly what that is going towards.

I'm going over the damn receipt and apparently the other part of the $20 went towards something else. Son of a bitch!

Well, I have to go to the other gas station anyway to get Master's cigarettes so I'll just put the other $10 on the card there.

I drive to the other gas station. They have the soda and they have His cigarettes. Thank you!

I also tell them to put $10 on my gas card. They tell me that they have to do that as a separate transaction. Okay then... It's the same chain of gas stations and I know that isn't needed and/or policy but I assume the person is new and just shrug it off. So I pay for the soda and cigarettes. They say thanks and goodbye. The person behind me damn near walks into me expecting me to move. Um no. I told the cashier that I had asked for $10 to be put on the gas gift card and that they had told me that it had to be a separate transaction from the other stuff I literally just paid for.

Oh yeah huh.

By this point I can feel myself getting pissed off. I don't yell. I don't scream. I take a very deep breath and wait to be told I can swipe my payment card.

They try to put the money on the gift card and the register is telling them they cannot. It says it's an invalid card. I try to calmly explain that I had just used said card and that there was still money on it. By this point I start to think about forgetting about putting money on the gas card and just do it tomorrow. But I'm already right there so I decide fuck that, it's happening now. I've been to two gas stations and all I want is to put $20 on a fucking gas gift card. $10 was put on. I just need to put $10 more on it.

A manager now has to be pulled into this hot mess. The manager tries it not once, not twice but three times before deciding to try it on a different register. What do ya know it fucking worked on the other register!

Finally I can walk out of there and go home. I cranked the radio, as I am known to do when I'm more than annoyed, and drive home.

Master can of course tell I'm annoyed when I walk in the door and I start to explain what happened and why I'm so pissy and as I'm doing so I'm getting a little more worked up about it. He literally stops me by placing His hand on my chest and tells me to calm down and take a few deep breaths. I did and then finished explaining.

I had to stop and think back on it all and try to figure out whether or not my getting angry was logical or not. As I'm reading over this, I realize that anyone would have gotten pissed off after all that. Plus, I controlled myself. I didn't go off the handle at any point in time. I cranked some music and vented. That's all I did. I didn't yell at anyone.

This time I'm putting this one in the tally mark in the logical column.

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