Master says the thoughts and dreams I have sometimes are because I'm a masochist and I know that He's right. But I also know that some of them scare the hell out of me. I'll give you an example.
But first, I would like to note that Master would never in His life do something like this. It is simply a dream I had and I have no idea why. Basically He beat the living hell out of me. And I'm not talking kink wise either. I mean just beat me. I was crying and crawling away, bleeding, and begging Him to stop. But it just continued. I remember bleeding from different parts of my body. My head, my side, my hands. I remember there were bruises everywhere.
And then suddenly I woke up. I woke up rather violently. I sat straight up and was breathing heavy. The fear carried over until I realized I was awake. You know how that is right? You know you're awake but you still feel like the dream is still going on for some reason until finally all the lights turn on upstairs? Yeah, it was like that.
But that isn't the part that seemed fucked up to me. Everyone has dreams they know would never happen in a million years. But the fucked up part was that once I was fully awake I also realized that I was wet. And I don't mean like oh I'm a little turned on right now. No. It was like we had just gotten done having sex type wet. I didn't tell Master about it right away. I was trying to figure out what the fuck... but today I told Him about it. Granted it was over text but we were on a different subject at the time that made me think of it.
The great thing about being with someone you trust so much? No judgement. He didn't judge me one bit. He did make sure that I did in fact know He would never do such a thing. Yes, I know that. If I didn't I sure in the hell wouldn't still be around.
So, what was the original conversation about over text? Well, it had to do with anal sex of course. I'm making progress but I also want it to go faster. Yes, I know.. patience.. blah blah blah. But still.
I had made a comment to Master about how sometimes I wish He just wouldn't give me a choice and keep going. On one hand that thought scares the hell out of me. Why? Because it's going to fucking hurt, that's why. On the other hand the thought turns me on. Ultimate submission. Not having any choice in the matter what so ever.
This is also where the trust comes into play. I trust Him to not go too far. What's too far? Needing an ER trip afterward. He knows my body and He knows it's limits. We have been together for a long time and in that amount of time He knows me that well.
He said that He would be willing to do such a thing but I have to make damn sure that's actually what I want. Now why would I need to do that if I can still stop it in the middle of it and trust Him to know when I'm serious? Well, in order for it to work as a "forced" thing I need to be tied and gagged. If I'm not gagged the neighbors will hear me. If I'm not tied down I might move at the wrong damn time and end up causing damage to myself. See? He knows me and I know myself well enough to know that is a possibility.
I don't have to worry about that with anal sex in general. Why? Because if I can't move past the pain I know He'll stop. But, in a forced situation my only choice would be to find a way past the pain mentally or to just experience it until He's done. As a result I may want to thrash around or try to get away, which means movement that may lead to injury.
He told me that I don't have to make a decision now. After all I'm the one that brought it up. I just need to let Him know. I'm sure if I do say "go" there will be more discussions that are in depth and thorough. Right now, I'm not sure.
I've been fantasizing about something similar after my most recent foray into anal sex this past Saturday. It's left me rather tender and kind of sore, but I keep fantasizing about him shoving me down and fucking my ass anyway, despite how much it hurts.
ReplyDeleteThat said, as hot as forced anal sounds, you can absolutely do damage to yourself without moving your body. If you clench down, his penis could force a tear in your ass because it simply has nowhere to go. The internal sphincter is strong as hell. Don't underestimate your body's ability to shut down. If that possibility is something you are willing to accept or consider, I would invest in something to inject lube inside of you, like a medicine syringe for a baby/pet or something similar, just to be sure there is absolutely enough lube to reduce that possibility.