Where Is My Cape?

Sometimes I wish I could be the hero. I wish I could take the few people in this world that I care about the most and put them in this protective bubble where they don't have to worry about anything and will have a life of happiness that is stress free.

But I'm not a hero. I'm just me. And there is only so much I can do. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to do it and it doesn't stop me from feeling like I should be able to do it.

I don't know if it's part of my bi-polar disorder or not. To be perfectly honest I haven't studied up on all of the things that are associated with it. Why? Because I'm a horrible mental patient. That's why.

There is a lot of shit that is going on right now in my family. I don't want to get into all of the details but I will say that it has to do with finances. Some people in my family are on the verge of losing everything. And I mean everything. It scares them, and it scares the hell out of me.

Master and I are in no position to help. I can't lend money because I don't have any to spare. I can't put a roof over their head because I can't afford more people in our apartment and I'd have to put them on the lease. I can't give rides anywhere because I don't have the gas money. It just fucking sucks.

Now never mind it's not really my job to provide any of these things. That doesn't matter. It's not even a thought inside my head. I just want to help, help and help some more. I want to give and do everything within my power to help even in some minor way. But I can't. I don't have the resources.

I believe in part the stress is what is making it harder for me to keep a grip. Stress from knowing about said situations and not being able to help, stress over our own finances, stress over stressing about the everything.

I was cycling today at work. And I was cycling rapidly. It was like my brain was spinning like a damn top and I couldn't slow it down or stop it. I would feel like I finally got a grip and then the grip would loosen and the cycling would continue.

I wanted to leave, get out of the building and go home. I wanted to curl up in a dark room with Master holding me and not say or do anything. Just lay there. That's all I could focus on for a good couple of hours this morning. But I was at work. I couldn't go home. We need the money on my paycheck to survive and so I couldn't leave even if I had the means to.

Master and I messaged back and forth and He got me to calm down. I was talking about taking the day off tomorrow. Like I said all I could focus on was not having to do anything but being at home. Home is where it's safe, ya know. But again Master talked me down. I need the vacation days for later in the year, in case I'm sick or in case something comes up and I need the day off. You know, logical and responsible type shit.

I wasn't convinced at first. It took me a while to realize that made sense. So I calmed down. And then out of no where I was fine. I was calm, I could focus on my job, and I no longer felt the need to not come into work.

I sent Master another message telling Him I was okay.

Next Friday I have an appointment with Dr. L. I'll be talking to him about all of this. Master thinks maybe my body is getting use to my medication and perhaps I need a higher dose. I am leaning more towards keeping my medication as it is and getting a new prescription for something that can help me cope when a bunch of shit hits me all at once.

But ultimately it all depends on what Dr. L says and what he feels would be the best course of action.