Nervous About Tomorrow

I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow. Tomorrow after work I have an appointment with Dr. L. And during that appointment I get to explain how I think I may need either a higher dose of my current medication or possibly a supplemental medication for when things get to be a bit much for me. Okay, more than a bit. Something that I can take when I feel my grip on myself slipping.

Now that I've been stable a while, when I start slipping it feels so much worse than it did before. Before I was use to it, hell half the time I didn't even realize I was doing it. Which is probably why I never thought I was bipolar before. I just didn't realize. I thought I was reacting normal. Apparently I was wrong.

So why am I nervous? I'm nervous because I don't want him to take me off my current medication. I like my current medication and I don't want to go off of it. But I know that the minute I bring this up to him, it'll be mainly his decision as to what the best course of action would be. Now yes, I have say over what I do take and what I don't. But I don't know what is going to help. He's the one with the degree. I just don't want to go through all these different medications until we find one that works all the time, no matter what. I don't think something like that exists to be perfectly honest with you which is why I want something I can take only when I actually need it. Something I can reach for when I'm going down that darker path in my mind or where I get to the point that I just want to curl up in the fetal position and be in a dark space so I can feel safe again. I hate feeling that way. Or even when I'm getting manic. Manic isn't so bad, at least it doesn't seem like it is at the time. But there comes a point where I just can't concentrate on one thing. I'm mentally bouncing all over the place. Hell sometimes I'm bouncing all over the place quite literally.

I just want something I can take, wait about a half hour and be okay again. Especially when I'm at work. I can't run away and go home every time I feel that way. I have to stay. Firstly, I need my job. My job isn't going to put up with that very long. Secondly, we need my paycheck. It's our only source of income, so if I start taking an hour here, three hours there, it comes off my paycheck and it hurts us long term.

I honestly thought about creating a separate blog just for talking about my bipolar disorder. I talked to Master about it and He's worried that if I do that I won't write here as often. Plus this blog isn't just about kink, regardless of the title. It's about me, my life, my marriage, my submission.. Just basically anything and everything I feel I need to or want to blog about.

And I think Master prefers it that way. I think He prefers me just having one place to write everything I feel like writing about.