Morning Wood

Master woke me up and we snuggled a little bit. I felt like I was going to doze off again because I was so comfortable. Master again told me to wake up. So I opened my eyes and started to move to go ahead and get out of bed as I thought that is what He wanted me to do. He put His hand in the middle of my chest and pushed me back down. I looked at Him, a little confused.

He said something along the lines of Him waking up with morning wood and it needing to be taken care of. I reached down and played with Him a little bit. After a little while He pulled away and gently flipped me onto my stomach.

When He first entered me it hurt. I had woken up a little moist but not dripping wet. He didn't care. He forced His cock inside of me until He was balls deep. I whimpered and sighed at the same time. I whimpered because it hurt and I sighed because it felt so damn good.

He fucked me and kept His upper body above mine as He did so, but pretty much remained balls deep other wise, only moving His hips slightly. Once I felt Him started to pull back more with each thrust I arched my hips up and made sure to keep the rest of my body as flat to the bed as possible. I tried to hold still at first but I did start to push back a little bit.

As I heard Him grunt and begin to moan I went back to staying still. After I did so He started slamming into me and each time and it became more difficult to hold that position but I somehow managed. I could feel that He was getting closer to cumming and it felt wonderful. I couldn't help but moan loudly. As soon as I did He pumped His cum into me.

I didn't cum the entire time. I know that anytime He has morning wood it's not about me. It's all about Him getting off. Well, then again when isn't it? It's only about me if He wants it to be. Other wise I'm not allowed to cum. I have to be given permission or ordered to get off unless He is eating me out or fucking me in the ass.

I feel more objectified when we're fucking because He has morning wood. I'm not sure why. It's really no different than any other time He uses me. Maybe it's  because we're fucking only because He woke up with morning wood and He wanted to relieve it. Not that I mind. Sometimes I only want to be His sex toy. Nothing more than something for Him to jerk off into. He has called me that many times. My pussy is just something He is using to masturbate with. *shivers* That is fucking hot if you ask me.

Being Creative

Last night I ended up taking a short nap on the couch to attempt to get rid of a headache. I had been dealing with it on and off all day and the advil wasn't really working. Sometimes a nap is all I need to finally get rid of it. It worked.

When I woke up I did my blog post and then took my shower. It had been a while since I had dressed up for Master and before my nap He had told me He wanted me to put on something "nice" for Him after my shower. So I did. It took me a little while to figure out what I wanted to wear. I didn't want to just toss on a simple outfit ya know? I wanted to be a little creative with it. It took me a while to dig through everything and try to figure it out. It was taking me so long that Master actually came back to the bedroom to see what the hell I was doing. Thankfully I hadn't put anything on yet because I wanted it to be a surprise. He startled me because the fan was on and I was so focused on finding something to wear. Once He saw that I was digging through my lingerie He went back to the living room.

I ended up putting on some knee highs that are pure black except on the back of them they have rips through them. The rips are supposed to be there though. It's not like I just found an old pair of ripped up knee highs. I don't normally wear knee highs. Master prefers thigh highs normally and honestly when I bought these I thought they were thigh highs. But they are still sexy.

Then I found what I can really only describe as a tube top. But it only, barely, covers my tits and they have a section in the front that has slits in it. I also found some of my sexy fingerless gloves. Once I had all that it seemed like something was missing. I found a mini skirt. It's just a normal black mini skirt with a zipper that goes diagonally down the front. So I put that on too. And of course, to top it all off, I put on my heels.

Master seemed extremely pleased by what I had done. He always loves it when I get creative. It may seem weird that I would choose a regular mini skirt as part of my lingerie outfit but it looked really good. I was laying on the couch and Master was on the computer chair for a while. When He has me dress up nine times out of ten we do not immediately go to the bedroom. Master likes to enjoy it for a while before fucking me.

I had my legs bent and crossed. As a result all Master had to do was barely move His head and He could see right up the skirt. He commented on how He always sees me walking around the apartment naked and it turns Him on but there was something about being able to look up my skirt that added something to it. I just smiled.

A hour probably went by before He ordered me to the bedroom. He got there first and was already naked and in bed. I walked in and asked if He wanted my heels on or off. Sometimes He wants me to keep them on. But this time He told me to take them off.

After I did I crawled into bed next to Him. As soon as I did He crushed me to Him and started to really bite down on my neck and slid His hand down to pull my skirt up a little bit so He could rub His hand on my ass and sometimes dip His fingers down. He then asked me if the tube top was velcro or hooks. It was hooks. He undid the hooks and yanked it off of me before forcing me onto my back so He could molest my tits with His mouth. As soon as I could dip my arm down I started playing with His already erect cock. There was already pre-cum slowly dripping out of the head of His dick. I used that to massage the head of His cock and just behind it. He growled and became more aggressive with His teeth.

Once He was done He knelt up and I continued to run my hand, playfully, along His shaft. He fingered me for a little while and asked me if I wanted to slide up. I said no. He chuckled and said, "So you just want to be fucked?"

"Yes please Master."

"I think that can be arranged."

As soon as those words passed His lips He grabbed my waist, flipped me over and then forced me to get on all fours. He hiked up my skirt so it was just around my hips before forcefully ramming His cock into me. I propped my upper body up with my hands and arched my back the best I could.

He grabbed my hips and hooked His fingers under the top of my skirt, using that to bounce me off His dick. I don't know why but it is a huge turn on to have a hiked up skirt while He is fucking me. I guess it just makes it seem more spontaneous and forceful. As if I had just been walking around in a skirt and He decided to flip it up and fuck me out of no where.

He then leaned over me more, propping Himself up on His fists, pounding me hard and fast. I arched my feet up a little bit so that each time He moved His balls would rub up against my knee highs, just to add a little more sensation for His pleasure.

He backed off a bit, as in He stopped leaning over me and went back to kneeling and holding my hips. He bounced me off of His cock and I started to buck back a little more each time. As I started to buck my hips more and more He stopped moving and just allowed me to do all of the work.

I felt His orgasm basically sneak up on Him and He grabbed my hips, leaned back further so that He was deeper inside me and I felt His cum shooting into me with each pulse of His cock. Once it was over He slapped my ass which was His way of telling me to move. I did. I moved forward just a tiny bit before bucking back again. He growled and smacked my ass again. I giggled and finally moved so He could get comfortable and lay down. I laid down next to Him with a hug smile on my face.

He commented on how quickies aren't always a bad thing. I said that they are never a bad thing. A quickie can sometimes be more intense actually. It all depends on mood I guess. I asked, "So Your orgasm kind of sneaked up on you didn't it?"

He laughed, "You were bucking back. I blame You." He heard me giggle and said, "You're proud of yourself aren't you?"

"Yes Master I am."

My Master has a lot of self control. He prides Himself on it actually. So, when I can move in such a way that His orgasm creeps up on Him I'm very happy with myself. Especially since it is very, very rare. And He knows that I'm proud of myself when that happens.

He had me clean Him off and then told me I could get undressed. We went back into the living room, thinking we would stay up longer. But as soon as we sat down and got comfortable in the living room we both realized, at the same time, how tired we were. So we just turned everything off and went to bed.

I love falling asleep next to Him. Because our sleep schedules during the work week I never get to fall asleep next to Him. He cuddles up to me when He comes to bed but I never get to just fall asleep in His arms except on Friday and Saturday. I treasure those nights.

Here We Are

I was pretty young when I met Master. I was freshly 20 years old. I never thought, prior to meeting Him, that I would ever end up submitting to someone. I had thoughts of kinky sex but figured that it would never happen. They were just thoughts that would remain unfulfilled.

There are things that I honestly feel would never happen in someones life, that is until they meet the right person and it is a natural reaction. I had self image issues when I first met Him. But even though I had those issues, along with going through mental and emotion abuse, I was still a strong willed person. Some how, some way, that had remained intact. And I think that is one thing that attracted Master to me. I know it was something that attracted me to Him. He was/is a very confident person. He carries and portrays Himself a certain way that just clicked something in my mind in the most pleasant way.

I was highly attracted to Him not only because of His looks but because of the way He carried and Himself. It was an immediate and surprising reaction. It was surprising because I had never met someone like Him. I was fascinated by Him. I was fascinated by the way I acted by simply being around Him.

At first it was almost purely sexual on both sides of the coin. Don't get me wrong, I really loved being around Him. We clicked in ways that I didn't even think was possible. And I'm not just saying that because I was young.

Although it didn't take long for us to have deep and strong feelings for one another. It was a very fast progression. And as soon as we started to delve into a romantic relationship the natural reactions in so far as the dynamic began to peek through.

It was so far away from where we are now. We have experimented with a lot of different things in the course of our relationship. Different kinks, different forms of etiquette.

Since I first met this Man I felt naturally submissive to Him. I have never, ever felt that way before and I know for a fact that I will never react to another person the way I do to Him. He makes me feel a way that only He can. He has my heart, mind, and soul. And He knows it. He doesn't abuse that. And He has told me in the past that I have Him just as much as He has me. We are mates and I mean that in every sense of the word.

He has also told me that while He has always had an Alpha male mentality, and kinky thoughts, He never thought that He would be a Master. Just as I never thought I would ever be a slave.

This was very new to both of us. There have been ups and downs. We were learning together and pieced it all together ourselves. We stumbled sometimes but we found our way back.

I honestly think that we both react to one another in this way on a very natural and primal level. It's not just about the kink. It's not just about the sex. You could take the kink and sex out of it and we would still fall into the routine that we have. He would still lead and I would still follow.

I love that about us. And it sometimes, I feel, it causes jealousy in others. I know for a fact a couple of His friends have felt that way. One was only because he wanted his wife to basically be less of a bitch. The other is our friend BC. He has kink tenancies and wants to be a Dominant. Which you would find hilarious, if you ever met the man. He has always been jealous of it. He has tried to convince his now wife to try it and she basically shoots it down before he can fully get the words out of his mouth. He has complained about such things to Master and asks how He convinced me to go along with it.

And that's the thing. He never tried to convince me or trick me into anything. As a I said it's very natural for us. He didn't drag me kicking and screaming. In the beginning we didn't even have to talk about it. As it grew we did talk about it simply because we noticed the way we were reacting to one another and to see how we could fan that flame. We both wanted it to get stronger.

And so here we are. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Evolution

I just kind of want to veg out mentally. So, I'm just going to kind of ramble and if you can keep up, awesome. If not, I totally understand. I don't really have much to say in regards to real life. And I don't want to. So there.

I remember when I was a little girl I thought it would be awesome to have a diary. I wonder if every little girl goes through that. Never mind you don't really have a lot to write about at 9 years old, but that didn't stop me from wanting one. And I got one for my birthday. I think it was more just wanting to have something that I could put my oh so important little girl thoughts in, rather than actually sitting down and writing in it. I don't remember writing in it very much at all. It was a simple little hard cover diary that was smaller than a pocket sized soft cover book. It didn't have a lock or anything. I did write in it, kind of. I did more doodling than actual writing. As I got a little older, probably closer to 12 years old I wanted one that locked. Because my little brother had opened the one I had without a lock! How dare he look at my doodling.

So I got one of those. It was another hard cover diary. It was white with flowers all over it. It had this little clasp on it where you would put this tiny as hell key in it to unlock it. It didn't really do anything. I mean, you could easily pry the damn thing open.

After a while I decided I was too old for a diary. I didn't keep one during my teen years. Which is kind of weird. All of my teen friends had one. I no longer felt the need to have one. After all, I had only ever doodled in the ones I had in the past. Why bother?

Then I met Master. About 6 months into our relationship He wanted me to start keeping a diary. We saw each other twice a week and He would read it when He came down to visit. It all started with how I was feeling, what I was thinking, etc. about our dynamic. It was in it's baby stage back then. It took a long time to get it where it is now.

I kept those hand written diaries for a long, long time. I wrote in a hard cover diary for four years. Of course, it didn't take long for them to fill up. So I would store that one away and get a new one. And so on and so forth.

It was very shortly after we got married that Master allowed me to keep a blog rather than writing in a hand written diary. Well, I take that back. For a few months He had me do both. I don't remember why. He had a valid reason though. I just can't remember what the fuck it was.

Eventually it just became the blog itself and the hand written diary stopped all together. After all, it's a hell of a lot easier and quicker to type than it is to write things out by hand. The odd thing is that I still have every single hand written diary I wrote while we were together before the blogging started. Four years worth of diaries. They are just chilling in our bedroom closet. I haven't gone back and read them in a long time. I never really felt the need to.

Every now and then we'll talk about how I should just get rid of them. Toss them out. It hasn't happened yet. It might when we move. I have no idea.

My blog though.. holy hell has it gone through some changes. It started on Blogger and I coded the whole thing myself. I thought it was the shit at the time. But I remember how it looked and I shudder at the memory of it. It was horrible. But hey, I was just starting out.

Then I heard all these whispers about Word Press. So I jumped ship. I was there for quite some time. I did different themes and templates. It went through more face lifts than I can even remember. I even paid them to allow me to change it up to the way I wanted. You couldn't just upload a theme and tweak it for free. I thought it was worth it at the time though.

Suddenly their rules changed and they were not to my liking at all. I can't put my finger on exactly which rules they were but they did directly effect my blog. I was pissed because I had been paying them to basically upgrade my otherwise free blog and now I had to deal with their bullshit rules? Fuck you very much!

So back to Blogger! And here it is. I don't really know how long it has been back here on Blogger but it feels like a long time. Again, it has gone through facelifts. I couldn't settle on a template to save my life for the longest time.

Eventually I settled on the one I have now. It's the same template but it was blue for a long time. All of a sudden I felt the need to change it up again. But I couldn't find a theme that I loved as much as I do this one. So, a tiny facelift rather than an overhaul. I just took the blue and made it purple. And now that it's purple I actually like it more. Funny how just changing the color of links can make you happy.

Hopefully I can keep the nerd in me quiet for a long time now. I love how it looks. And I'm going to keep it that way for as long as I can. Hell, maybe this is how it will look from now on. Who knows. (Yes, I know I've said that before. But this purple is really, really grooving with me. More than I thought it would actually.)

Do I think I'll ever stop blogging? Well, not unless Master tells me to stop. It's not my choice, it's His. I know that I have to get back to topic. The blog is supposed to be a slave blog and yet, lately, I've been posting about everything but slave like things.

Note to self: Start blogging about what this damn blog is supposed to be about! Ya dumb bitch.

So... I make a promise to post about slave like things. Other topics may come now and again but I seriously need to get back in touch with that mind set. I think it will help relieve some of the stress I've had. Or at the very least help me get my focus off of the stress and onto something else for a while. Even if it is only for as long as it takes me to type out a blog post.

There you have it. The evolution of my diaries.

Coming Up

For some reason I was thinking about our anniversary today. Odd. It's not until March and there was really nothing that triggered it. *shrugs*

We'll be hitting 11 years together and 7 years of marriage. Like I said I have no fucking clue as to why this ran through my head. The past few anniversaries we really haven't been able to do much. Finances and all that.

We don't really want to do much. Well, I take that back. We would love to go back to Sybaris, which is where we went for our honeymoon. But that isn't going to be in the cards this upcoming year either. It could be if we went for like one night, but that doesn't make much sense. It's about a 45 minute drive one way. And it would actually be kind of depressing. For our honeymoon we went for three nights. And it was absolutely wonderful.

Only going there for one night, while it would be fun, would also be somewhat anticlimactic.

That's the funny thing though. My birthday is only three weeks before our anniversary. But I don't really care about my birthday. After all it's not like I can do anything different just because I'm going to turn 31. I appreciate the birthday wishes and I do like at least going out to dinner for it. But our anniversary is much, much more important to me.

I don't want much. A night of going out would suit me just fine. This upcoming year our anniversary will land on a Friday, which is nice. I'll still have to work but at least it isn't in the middle of the week. I'm sure we'll think of something. Maybe we'll finally go down to the restaurant where we had our first date. Every year we say we will but then decide against it because it's not in town. This upcoming year though I don't care. I'll set money aside and we'll go damnit.

Pent Up

As I've commented on lately our sex life is great it's just not as frequent as it normally is. There are reasons. It's not like we don't find one another as attractive as we once did. I know that's not the case. It's just been one thing after another after another. And as a result our sex life has suffered a bit. *shrugs* It happens.

Last night was another break in our infrequent dry spells. Now keep in mind I'm referring to a week or a little over as a dry spell. *laughs* I do that because we are normally fucking more frequently than that. Last night though Master ordered me to the bedroom. It was already past my bedtime because He had allowed me to stay up. I was actually a little worried that since He had allowed me to stay up on a Sunday night that He would just send me off to bed. Thankfully that was not the case.

He joined me in bed shortly after I got comfortable. The first thing He did was pull me to Him and sink His teeth into my neck. It's amazing how much of a turn on that is for both of us. Especially when He bites down so hard at times.

He hovered over me and had one hand on the back of my neck while He continued to chew on my neck. He pulled me down further under Him so I was almost laying completely sideways on the bed. He crushed me to Him and altered between biting down almost as hard as He could and then just running my skin through His teeth.

He would stop and just run the tip of His nose along my neck while breathing heavy. Each hot breath just turned me on. Then He caught me off guard but biting down again.

He them dipped His head down and started molesting my tits with His teeth and tongue. I reached down and did my best to play with His cock. The angle we were both at didn't make it easy but I tried anyway. I just wanted to touch it, to play with it, to run my fingers along it before getting a good grip for a moment to only go back to being playful with my touch.

Once He had His fill of biting me He told me to slide up. After I was in position He got comfortable between my legs. I love it when He eats me out. He's just so damn good at it. There is something to say for being together for over a decade. You learn the other's body so damn well.

After I came I was extremely sensitive. He chuckled and tormented me a little bit before telling my to bend over. He fucked me hard and deep. He didn't ever go slow or gentle. It was delicious. He allowed me to cum several times, talking dirty to me the entire time. I wanted to talk dirty back but I could barely catch my breath. I rotated my hips and bucked back, which He greatly enjoyed.

After He filled me He collapsed over me and said, "I guess we were both pent up." *laughs* So I commented back that we shouldn't wait that long again. I know it doesn't sound like a lot of time. A little over a  week. But for us it is.

I was wired afterward. But I knew I had to go to bed. It was a little past 1am but this point and I had to get up at 6am. There was no way He was going to allow me to stay up later.

So I took a benadryl to make sure I would sleep. I went to bed with a huge smile on my face.

Comfort & Support

I had my medication upped not that long ago because I was having issues with being "only" on 225 milligrams. So I was upped to 300 milligrams. And since then I have been feeling great. No episodes of horrible thoughts. No sudden mood swings that make absolutely no sense. I'm back to normal. Well, as normal as I get anyway.

It has been a little over a month since the medication has been increased and it did take a little while for it to balance me out fully. It is one of those medications that has to build up in your system to work, so when I had to increase the dosage that take a little while to fully kick in. Which makes sense since it does have to build up. Thankfully because the drug had already been in my system for years the base was already there, so it didn't take long at all to catch up.

During the time before I realized the lower dosage wasn't working anymore, I told my Husband and my mother about the thoughts I was having. And of course they were concerned and worried. Master watched me like a hawk and my mom was constantly checking in to make sure things were okay and she did call Master while I was at work to make sure that I was telling her the complete truth rather than just telling Master and not her. She's over protective, but hey.. she's my mom. She loves me and she worries about me. So of course she is over protective, as is Master. I'm not mad or upset about it. I understand why they are.

I also know that I am very, very lucky to have them in my life and for them to care about me that much. My brother was also extremely worried and would check in.

Since that has happened, if I seem overly upset the words, "Do you need to up your medication again? upset me a little when it is first asked. I understand why those words are spoken.. I know it was extremely scary for the people I love while I was going through that shit right before my medication was upped. I understand the concern.

But sometimes those words make me feel crazy. As if I can't be very upset without people thinking my medication isn't working. I know that isn't the truth. I know they don't think I am actually crazy. They are just concerned and protective. I am open and honest with my feelings and I was when things started to happen and my medication actually did have to be upped.

I think it's mainly due to the fact that it hasn't been long since the medication was upped. Hell, it was only two months ago for crying out loud.

And no, it's not just Master who says that. My mother does too. And it's not like it's frequent.

It happened on Friday with Master because I had felt like I was going to cry all day and finally did shortly after I got home. The problem is I can't really talk when I'm crying. It's like my throat closes up and when I do try to talk I end up breathing in short bursts because I'm trying to talk. Of course my throat isn't actually closing, it's just how I feel when I cry.

So He asked me that question. At the time I couldn't speak so I just shook my head. When I finally calmed down enough to talk I explained that it's just the work bullshit and my being scared that I'll lose my job before I am able to find a new one. Yes, that feeling mainly happens at work because that is where all those feelings are coming from and I refuse to breakdown at work so it all comes tumbling out when I'm at home.

I was also worried about things that were going to happen yesterday, meaning Saturday. (Things went just fine by the way and it's not something I'm willing to talk about on the blog.) So it was a mixed range of emotions coming from two places in my mind at once.

It also didn't help that I am on the rag so I'm a little emotional anyway. It was a fucked up perfect storm going on in my damn gray matter.

I also don't think it helps that I haven't really broken down sobbing since my medication was upped. I'm sure that is a huge part of where that question came from.

Do not get me wrong. I do not actually get mad when people ask me that question. I deeply appreciate the concern and love that the question is coming from. And after I am done feeling a little crazy just from the fact that people feel the need to ask me that question, that feeling goes away and is replaced with my love for those people when they ask the question. And the comfort of that support overwhelms me in a wonderful way.

I also know that I don't always realize that I am acting certain ways until someone points out the fact that I am not being myself. So they get concerned and the question is because of that. They want to make sure that I know I am in fact acting in certain ways and want to make sure that I know why I am upset rather than just not having a valid reason.

I am not crazy. They don't think I'm crazy. They just know I need to make sure I know what is going on and that I am being completely honest about my feelings rather than leaving them in the dark, which I have been known for doing in the past before my medication fully kicked in. And I'm not talking about when it was upped, as I said I was an open book with that. I am referring to when I was first put on the medication and before it got to the dosage I needed at the time.

My Place

Today I did something that I am not happy with myself about. I forgot my place. It's not like I went off on Master or anything stupid like that. Actually, to most people, it is a small detail. But I know Master wasn't pleased and I was pissed at myself for it.
The worst part of it is that I didn't even think about it when I was doing it. I was all tra-la-la in my head and not remembering the rules. Like I said it will most likely sound stupid to most people, especially when I'm making such a big deal out of it. I'm actually making a bigger deal out of it than Master is.

So what was it? Well, it is cold as fuck today. It has been all day and since I spent so much of the day running around, in and out of the car, I just could not shake the chill off of me. Never mind I was completely bundled up all day. I had jeans, a hoodie, my winter boots, my leather jacket, my leather gloves, and a knit winter hat on. But the cold still clung to me. I could feel it in my joints, that's for damn sure. It's oh so much fun being 30 years old with fibromyalgia. There are days where I feel a hell of a lot older than I actually am.

Anyway, back to the point here. Like i said it felt like I couldn't shake the chill at all. So I wanted to stay comfy. After I got home I stayed fully dressed for a little while because I though I was going to take the dog out as it is my day to do so. But Master knew how tired and sore I was from all the running around and how early I had to get up. He was kind enough to take the mutt out for me this afternoon.

Since I didn't have to go anywhere I took of my jeans but left my hoodie on and immediately started putting on my yoga pants. I acted as if it wasn't a big deal. I didn't even blink I simply did it. Master looked at me and commented about how I didn't even think to ask permission to stay dressed. The rule is when I'm at home I'm either to be naked or, if we had the blinds on the patio door open, I'm allowed to wear a longer t-shirt with nothing else on. Obviously the t-shirt is long enough to wear no one would be able to see anything. It's always one of His shirts so there is no problem there.

But at that moment I didn't stop to ask if I may stay dressed or get comfortable wearing a hoodie and yoga pants. In fact I didn't even realize it until He made that comment. I was immediately upset with myself and I literally hung my head down. He told me that I might as well stay dressed for a while. I still felt bad and He didn't punish me. I think He let it slide with just a not so happy toned comment because as I was putting on my yoga pants I was explaining to Him how I had felt the cold down to my bones all damn day.

There is, however, a huge difference in explaining why I'm putting on clothes and asking permission to put on clothes. If I had asked permission and then explain why, or the other way around, that would be acceptable. I would be asking permission to do something and explaining why I am asking.

I only did the explanation and left the whole asking permission thing out of it. Like I said, I didn't even think while I was doing it. I was just so focused on how cold I felt that I acted without thinking. Never mind it should be second fucking nature to ask permission. After all, it has been a rule forever and a fucking day.

He forgave me though. I was cold and I had gotten up today earlier than I get up on a normal work day because I had some important shit to take care of which started before dawn. He did let me stay comfortable though for a while and I did ask permission to take a nap. He allowed it. I felt a lot better when I woke up.

However, since that mishap I have been very careful about asking permission. I asked permission to keep my socks on once I did slip out of my comfy clothes. My feet stay cold for a long time. He allowed that. And then when I got done taking the dog out and we were able to settle in for the night I again asked to keep my socks on. Again He allowed it.

I feel stupid for that fuck up. It's not a huge fuck up but it's still a fuck up. Master hasn't brought it up since that one comment and I am not supposed to dwell on things. And I'm not. I'm not beating myself up about it but I wanted to post about it.

Purple!

Okay, so you remember how I said I was looking for a new template for my blog? Well, that turned out to be a bigger hassle than I originally thought it would be. Seriously. I just couldn't find one that I love as much as this one.

I was getting frustrated. I wanted to give up but at the same time I wanted to feed the nerd inside of me. It took forever and a day but a light bulb went off above my head. Seriously though it took forever before that damn light went off. I think, in total, I spent about 8 hours (not all in one shot mind you) just browsing themes and uploading them to my test blog if I happened to come across one I liked but then I couldn't get it to work the way I wanted to.

The light bulb was why not just tweak the one I have?! Duh! Master thought it was a good idea too. So.. I figured I'd just change the color. Instead of blue, it's purple. At first I thought about turning it red. I love the color red. But it just didn't look right. It was either too dark to show properly in the side bar or it was too light and I didn't like it. As a result, I started thinking about what other colors I could use instead.I thought about gray for a short period of time but I figured that would be too blah and dull. Not enough pop.

Of course if I couldn't use my favorite color why not use Master's? Purple. Of course the purple couldn't be too dark other wise it wouldn't really pop in the sidebar with how dark the side bar is. It's a little lighter than I thought it would be. It's more of a violet really. But I actually really like the way it turned out. I checked with Master after I had changed it all to see whether or not He liked it. He did actually. I was worried He would think it was too light.

Yes, I know it's my blog and Master has always said I can make it look any way I want it to. But I don't want my blog to be something He doesn't like. It's just the way my mind works. What would Master like? What does Master think? What would Master want? On and on and on.

I couldn't just stop at making the links purple. Since I had also used the blue color on my twitter account, and my avatar, and my blog counter.. well you get the picture... I now had to change it all to purple. And so I did. It honestly didn't take all that long. Once I got the color code right where I wanted it the rest was easy. It only took me about 15 minutes to find the avatar I wanted to use. (It had to stay in the tiger theme obviously.)

Just out of curiosity, what do you think?

Distraction

I'm trying very, very hard to let the stress go after I get out of work. It seriously feels like they are trying to make me quit. Fuck you.

But I don't really want to write about the bullshit at my job. I want to talk about how I've been keeping myself busy to distract myself. And Master is helping a lot. He is always trying to make me laugh. He has made sure to give me nice long hugs and He just got done giving me a 45 minute long back rub. I'm not kidding. It felt great. We've been watching random things on Netflix and pretty much just relaxing as much as possible.

I am tossing out a lot of job applications. I've received two calls. The problem with both is that they are sales jobs. Guess who sucks at sales? This girl. It was base + commission. I can't rely on commission, especially when I suck at selling things. And of course if you don't meet quota you're fired. Which makes sense. But I know before I even walk in the door that I'm not going to be good at it. So I kindly turned down both interviews. All I can do is to keep plugging away at it.

I've also been listening to music. That always helps distract me. Actually I'm listening to music right now as I write this blog post.

Oh.. and then the nerd in me has been trying very hard to sneak it's way out. I'm a nerd and I know it. But sometimes the coding nerd in me wants to do something. I don't really have any projects. I don't build websites. So I have this. Yes, this blog.

I know that I've said it over and over again that I'm going to change the theme/template here. And I totally plan on doing so. I created a test blog though so I can get it just the way I want it before transferring all of the information to my actual blog. That makes more sense to me. After all I don't want to be constantly redoing this one and trying to make it look right while people are actually reading. That would be very confusing.

I've been browsing templates for about a week now. Close to it anyway. I've actually downloaded a few and uploaded them to the test blog. One of them I really, really liked but I couldn't tweak it enough to the point of making it my own. I don't mean a complete overhaul of the coding, just tweaking. And when I did it with that template it just made it ugly. That was scrapped and I continued the hunt. I tried a few other ones but they just didn't look right.

I'm a little spoiled with this one. I've had it just the way I want it for a long time now. But that isn't going to stop me from looking for a new one. I have a hobby, which is code tweaking, and damn it I will find an outlet for it!

Wish me luck.

Weekend Sex

We are still kind of in that not fucking during the work week groove that we've been in for a while. Either I'm tired and passing out on the couch, or His shoulder is bothering Him. Sometimes we're both sitting there worried that a limb might fall off because it hurts and won't pop. *laughs* So it's not that we don't want to. It's just not frequent right now.

We did get to fool around this weekend though! Yay!

Saturday morning I got up before He did because I had to take the dog out. I couldn't go back to sleep afterward so I just stayed up for a little while. Eventually I looked at the clock and thought to myself, Master probably won't want to sleep much later so I might as well go wake Him up now.

There have been more than a few occasions where I go to wake Him up and I'm hoping to get some morning action but haven't been able to. I'll wake Him up but because of how He is laying I can't really reach down and start stroking Him. And by the time He's fully awake and He sits all the way up His sinuses kick in.

So that time, I wanted to find a way to wake Him up and having some morning fun. Instead of trying to wake Him up from His side of the bed I decided to quietly and carefully slip into bed, on my side, to cuddle up to Him. That's exactly what I did. When I pressed myself to His back He kind of groaned a little bit as if He wasn't ready to get up yet. My poor Master. But I was a little persistent. If He wanted me to stop He would of course say so.

I pressed up against His back again and this time He leaned into me. So I snaked my hand down and started stroking His cock. That started to wake Him up. He moved His leg a little bit so I could get a better grip. Finally He rolled onto His back and I rested my head on His chest while I continued to stroke Him.

Once He was rock hard He told me to get on top. Before I did I sucked His dick a little bit just to make it a little easier for it to slide right in. I wasn't fully wet but I was slick. Finally He was inside me. I rode Him slow and then fast, gentle and then hard. Grinding and bucking. *happy sigh*

I got off a few times before I started to really buck my hips and He reached up, grabbed my waist and guided my movements and my pace. I came at the same exact time He did. It was awesome.

Then last night before I had to go to bed Master met me in the bedroom. I was on my back when He got back there. That wasn't what He wanted. So He repositioned me so that I was kneeling with my back to Him as He knelt behind me. He moved my head to the side a little and started grabbing and pulling my tits. He would grip them so hard I would whimper and then He would stroke them a little bit before putting them in a death grip again. He then cupped my shoulder between His chin and neck and spread my legs farther apart so He could play with my clit for a little while.

He then told me to bend over. I got more towards my side of the bed and put my face to the mattress and my ass in the air. The sex was amazing.

I'm glad that we got to fool around a couple of times. It always helps me relax and decompress. I don't have to think about anything but what He wants, how He is moving me, and the sensations I experience. It gets me in the right head space and afterward I am completely relaxed mentally. Almost at peace I guess is the way I want to put it. 

Gut Feeling

I know. I've been absent for two days. There is a reason. You know Master doesn't normally allow me to skip two days in a row. But after what happened on Friday He understood why I just wanted to basically do as little as possible aside from relaxing and tossing out job applications.

So, Friday... Yeah. Not a good day at all. I go to work and as I walk in the door I had a feeling something was wrong. You know those gut feelings people get? It was one of those. But I figure maybe it's just me working myself up because of how the rest of the week had gone. Nope, as usual, my gut feeling was right on target. I started work early just so I could just try and catch up a little bit more than usual. But then a little before 10am HR calls my work phone and asks me to come to her office. Fuck.

I was very polite and said that I would be right there. As I open the door the HR lady was there, my brand spanking new supervisor was there, and so was the supervisor that is helping him learn the ropes of how management works there. See? He is still so green that he has another supervisor with him at all times unless he is in his office.

Again, my gut turned. I sat down and I saw a piece of paper in my supervisor's hand and a piece of paper turned upside down on HR's desk. I felt like I was going to be sick.

And then my supervisor just started going down a list of shit I have done wrong. I'll admit that some of it was valid. Others were just nitpicking, like he had been doing to me since he took over as supervisor. I'm not perfect. I'm not a robot. I make mistakes. Also, I've been so fucking slammed that I haven't been able to keep up like I normally do and they do not allow overtime right now. I also know for a fact that my case load is bigger than anyone's in the department.

They ask me why. I had already started to cry. I hate crying in front of people. I find it embarrassing and it pisses me off after the fact. They then brought up the fact that my previous supervisor had gone over this with me in my review. Um. No he didn't. Yes, he pointed out some things that I needed to work on but they were not overly specific. They were actually rather vague. Never mind my review was a little over four months late and I had no reminders or little, "Hey could you do it this way?" before my review. None.

And the ones they were bringing up now were not mentioned at all in my review. Also, their policy is to have a verbal warning and they have to tell you it's a verbal warning, then a written one, and then finally termination. With this they went straight to the written one.

Also, I'm fucking working on 160 files a day if not more. My list on Monday was over 200. And you want to bitch at me for 5? You don't want to praise me all on absolutely anything. You'd rather jump down my fucking throat about 5 files.

I signed their damn piece of paper and went back to work. And guess what happened after my lunch break which was only two hours after my written warning meeting happened? My supervisor sends me an e-mail about how to do something else, that again was not brought up in the review or the written warning, and was bitching. Meanwhile in the written warning he told me that he wants me to succeed and so did the HR lady. What the fuck?

The rest of the day I fucking busted tail. Nose to the fucking grind. And I still wasn't able to complete everything.

I did say, during the written warning meeting, that I have been having a lot of rush files both by management and from clients to the point that it takes me most of the day to get rush files done and as a result cannot work on anything else. They brushed it off like it was salt on their shoulder. Seriously.

When I came home I was still very upset. Master hugged me and just told me to just keep doing my job the best I can and toss out a fuck ton of job applications. And I have. I tossed out 23 yesterday alone. It may have been more than that actually but I know it was at least 23. And I did some more this morning.

It did dawn on me that they are trying to push me out and make me quit. Not going to happen. They are trying to make me quit so that I am less likely to get unemployment. Well fuck you very much. I won't quit unless I find a different job first.

As I was tossing out job applications yesterday (I've done it Friday, Saturday, and today.) I remembered how about four months ago we had seven people be fired back to back. They were all people who had worked there a long time and two of them were from my department alone. And that doesn't count how many people quit due to the bullshit going on. Hell the two girls in my department were fired on the same fucking day within 30 minutes of each other. So, now aside from the two trainers and the person who assigns the case load in our department I'm the only one who has been working there for more than 2 years. And it's been that way since April. I'm quickly coming up on 5 years. It'll be 5 years in March. I do think they just want to replace me with fresh blood so they can pay them less and don't have to give me an extra 5 days of vacation time, which I know takes money out of their pockets since that will give me 15 days that I will get paid for and not there working.

So, I'm worried as fuck that I may not find a job before I am "let go". I have never, ever been fired from a job. And I have never quit a job without having found a new one first. As a result, I have never collected unemployment.

I am, admittedly, being less picky about what I apply to. When I was just looking and not all that worried I was a lot more picky about where I applied figuring I could be. Well, now I can't afford to be. I mean I can't take a huge pay cut. But I took a $3.00 pay cut to leave my last job to come work for these guys and that was because my last job, at the time, was cutting a lot of people and I figured it was time to jump ship before it was too late. I'm there right now. I feel like a rat that needs to leave a sinking ship. Desperate times call for desperate measures and all that. I'm just hoping and praying that I find a new job soon.

Continuation

Today, apparently, is just a continuation of yesterday's bullshit. Hell, maybe it even stepped up it's game to make yesterday seem like it wasn't all that bad.

Today just kept the punches coming, that's for damn sure. You know my medication is working when I know damn well I would have completely broken down without it. Don't get me wrong, I am in fact stressed out. Not as bad as it could be. But it's there.

It started with Master having to drive all over hell and creation. He had to take me to work because He needed the car. Then while I was at work He had to do the things He needed to do, which of course were in the middle of the day. Then He had to pick me up.

So, lets see here. He had to drive me out 45 minutes and then another 45 minutes back home. He had to wait about 4 1/2 hours before He could go where He needed to go. So let's say that was another 60 minutes worth of driving round trip. Once that was done it was too early to come pick me up. Then He's sitting at home for about 3 hours before coming to get me.

As I said, He drove all over hell and creation. And, to add to that, His appointment didn't go well at all.

I had a shit day at work. I was busting my ass, even more so than usual. So I was tired and just sore. But then add to the fact that 40 minutes before I clock out my fucking supervisor sends me an e-mail asking me why such-and-such wasn't done. So I take a look at what he's talking about and I got pissed. Why? Because I'm not behind on it at all and in fact it wasn't on my to do list until tomorrow. So why the fuck are you bugging me about it today, let alone at the end of my day.

So I said fuck it, I'll work on it tomorrow.

By the time Master and I were in the car to go home neither of us were in that good of a mood. He vented and I vented. We didn't fight. We didn't get pissy with each other. We were just venting about outside things pissing us the hell off.

We decided to try and make it easier on ourselves and just get fast food for dinner. Yeah. That didn't turn out that great either. It took forever to get the food and then when we got home the fries were just warm and the burgers were pretty much the same. Great. We just paid for lukewarm food.

There we are eating and go to turn on Netflix and for whatever fucked up reason they completely revamped how their set-up is and it is fucking ugly, difficult to navigate through, and just something we don't even really want anymore. We don't have cable, which is why we were using Netflix to begin with. And aside from Netflix there is no other service that allows streaming of both movies and TV shows. It's either one or the other. I want both otherwise it's not worth my time.

I called to see how much it would cost to add cable to our phone and internet package and it's actually not as badly priced as I thought it would be. But we want time to think about it. Master has never wanted cable mainly because He hates commercials and He doesn't think He'll use enough of the channels in order to warrant having cable. *shrugs* We'll figure something out one way or another.

All that put both of us in an even worse mood. What a lovely way to spend a Thursday. Right now we are both decompressing and trying to salvage the rest of the night.

Mother of Hell

The past two days it seems that absolutely nothing can go right. Not one damn thing.

Yesterday my supervisor called me into his office. That's not good. And once I walked in he told me to close the door. That's not good either. So I did and then sat down. He looked at me and asked me why I am behind on my work. Um. I'm not really all that behind. I'm behind by one week and that's only on certain files and it's only because I'm not getting the information I need from our client. So... yeah. I of course wasn't snarky about it but I informed him of all that on top of the fact that I keep getting rush files. As a result, that would push other things on the back burner and sometimes those rush files take me all fucking day. Oh, did I mention that we aren't allowed to do overtime? Yeah. That one I didn't bring up. He knows we're not allowed to do overtime.

It wasn't so much the why he did it, it was the way he did it. He was condescending as hell. Ya know, I don't have a problem working under someone who is younger than me. I really don't. I'm 30 and this guy is 26. There really isn't a large age gap. But he was talking to me like I was a fucking child. Never mind when he first started at the company I helped him learn the fucking ropes. And then he brings up the fact that he spoke with my old supervisor about me. What the fuck? And I guess my old supervisor told him that I have been behind before shortly after my work anniversary. So dude asked me why.

Well, lets see here. I took a couple of days off to celebrate my wedding anniversary. My car broke down twice and each time she did I was out of work for three days. I had to take time off for health reasons. But the key thing to all of this is my old supervisor knew all of this because I made sure to explain it to him. And he just happens to forget to tell him that part? I also brought up the fact that no one was able to assist me on my case load because everyone else was just as swamped since two people were "let go" on the same day so we were all picking up that slack as well.

When this whole bullshit conversation was done he ends it with, "Well, I just wanted to hear what you had to say about it." He then motioned to the door, silently telling me I can leave his office.

His little fucking attitude continued today. I do my damn job and I do it well. Yes, I get behind sometimes but maybe if I didn't have a shit ton on my desk every single day and was allowed to do overtime this wouldn't happen.

Whatever.

Then today I get a phone call about a job application I filled out yesterday. Of course they called while I was clocked in, literally right after my lunch break. I figured that if I waited to call back when I got home their office would be closed. Instead I clocked out at the end of the day 10 minutes early so I could return the call. I got a hold of her.

I had applied to an office assistant posting. I asked what the pay rate was. She told me it was base plus commission. Um. Wait. Commission for an office assistant? I asked if it was a sales job. She said no, that it's a marketing job. I was confused and told her that I had applied for an office assistant job and it had said nothing about commission. She then explained how marketing and commission is somehow connected to their office assistant position. It sounded kind of shady and I was irritated. I don't do commission jobs. Ever. I can't sell worth a damn and all of my experience is office work, call center, and customer service.

I made the appointment for the interview though so I could give myself a little time to think on it without possibly missing the opportunity. But the more I think about it the more it sounds like a bad idea. All these little warning lights keep popping up in my head. I told Master about it when I got home and He also had little warning lights going off in His head. I'll be cancelling the interview. It's a long drive just to maybe feel okay with the possibility of getting the job. It sounds like to much of a risk. The minute commission comes up I immediately want to back away from it because I know sales/marketing is not my strong point. And that's not what I applied for.

During that little talk Master was washing the dishes and I was drying them. All of a sudden He stopped and looked down. Some how His feet were getting wet. Fuck me running. One of the pipes had leaked the entire time and it finally started to slip through the bottom of the cabinet below the sink.

We pulled everything out from under there, Master cleaned up the water, and now we have a bucket under it. It's only one side of the sink. The other side doesn't leak at all. So we'll be using that side only until it gets fixed.

*sigh* This week sucks ass.

First Snow

It's not even Thanksgiving and we already had snow today. Granted it only stuck to cars and grass. It melted as soon as it hit the pavement. That's a good thing though because I somehow doubt the city has their salt trucks totally ready to go yet. Because they are fucking lazy idiots.

However, that did not change the fact that I had to wipe off my car. Well, let me correct that. It looked like I would just have to brush off the snow. But as I got closer to the car I realized that nope. I would need to scrape it. Fuck. Thankfully I keep the snow brushes in the car all year round. That may sound stupid but the last thing you want to do in the winters around here is to forget to put your snow brush back in the car when winter hits. I heard quite a few of my coworkers complaining that they hadn't put theirs in their car yet. See! Just keep it in the damn car and you don't have to worry about that shit. I always keep the snow brushes in the car as well as container of antifreeze.

But now I have to buy two twenty pound bags of kitty litter. No, we don't have a cat. I'm going to put one on each side of my truck, right by the tire wells. It'll add some weight to the car while driving in snow and slush. And our car is extremely light. I honestly didn't do it last year. Because I'm a damn moron. As a result she fishtailed quite a bit during the bad snow storms. Also, the kitty litter comes in handy if you get stuck. If you can't maneuver yourself out of it you can just use a small shovel to get the snow away from your tires and then use some of the kitty litter to put around each tire to help get some traction.

Speaking of which I have to double check whether or not I still have the small shovel in the car from last year. I can't for the life of me remember if it's in there. That's kind of funny since it would be in the trunk and I am constantly opening and closing it. But when you get use to seeing something in your trunk all year you tend to forget it's even in there. It may have broke last year during that really nasty snow storm where I could just barely get the car out of the parking spot. And even then it took me a half hour just to do that. That was fun.

So, checklist...

• Two snow brushes. A smaller one and a longer one. Also it helps in case you have two people doing it at the same time. It makes it easier and quicker. - √
• Two twenty pound bags of kitty litter to toss in the trunk. - Still needed.
• A small shovel to use to dig the car out if necessary. - Unsure

Yeah. I need to get that little "Wisconsin Snow Kit" together. I'll probably get everything together this weekend. It's not supposed to snow the rest of the week. And even if it did it wouldn't be severe enough to warrant the "Wisconsin Snow Kit". I honestly feel like an idiot for not getting it all together last year. I had two out of the three and of course I didn't take care of the one that will add weight to the back of the car.

It's not like it snowing this early is shocking. Hell, it's snowed much earlier than this. I was just a little surprised by it because we haven't even had that much frost. There have only been a few occasions where I had to scrape frost off my windshield first thing in the morning before going to work.

So yeah, I had to scrape off all of the windows on the car. I had to brush off snow from my headlights and brake lights. I also had to force my car door open. One of these days I'm going to fall right on my ass while doing that. I'm surprised it hasn't happened yet, after all these years, honestly. And then of course while in the car the front windows didn't want to roll down until about thirty-five minutes into the forty-five minute drive home.

Oh well. I'll be better prepared next time. 

Fuck Me

Master's shoulder is still bothering Him. My poor Master. As a result our sex life hasn't been as active. I totally understand. My muscles sometimes put me into such pain that I couldn't fuck if I wanted to. It's the same here. His shoulder is killing Him, He wants to fuck, but just doesn't feel up to it sometimes.

So last night I asked Him if He wanted to fool around. I assumed He did because He wanted me to dress up, which I did once the nightly routine was done. He told me to get to the bedroom and He would meet me in there. I was already revved up for some reason. I was, however, figured that it would be a bit more gentle since His shoulder was bothering Him. Um. Yeah. I was so wrong on that one.

As soon as He slipped into bed with me He pulled me to Him and chewed on my neck for a while as He pressed Himself against me. Each time He bit down hard and deep I felt His cock grow against me. He then rolled me onto my back and pulled the top part of my lingerie so my tits were fully exposed. As soon as they were free Him attacked them with His teeth and tongue. I was moaning as He did so. I couldn't help it. It felt completely amazing.

Once He was done He told me to slide up. I slide up the bed and got comfortable as He positioned Himself between my legs. He alternated with licking my inner and outer lips, sucking on my clit, rolling His tongue along my clit and shoving His tongue inside me.

I must say that it is something somewhat new. I mean He's dipped His tongue inside me many times. But this whole tongue fucking me thing is rather new. I love it.

He then fully concentrated on my clit. He didn't finger me though. I think it would have made His shoulder too uncomfortable the way He would have to angle His arm. It still felt incredible, don't get me wrong but normally it's rare for me to get off  by only clit stimulation. My pussy wants something to clench down on. Of course He already knows this. However, He wasn't giving up and eventually I did have an overwhelming orgasm. It felt... interesting... for my pussy to just spasm without clenching down on something. It didn't ruin anything it just felt very different.

He knelt up and pulled me down the bed a little bit before slamming His cock into me and laying on top of me. It did start off somewhat gentle but it didn't take long for Him to get rough. I came twice while digging my nails into His back a little bit. I don't do that often. After all He's not the masochist here. But every once and a while it's just how I react to cumming. He doesn't mind. He doesn't get mad or anything along those lines.

He then, very suddenly, knelt up. As He did so He pulled me down with Him by pulling me by my thighs, His cock never slipping out. I swear He has mastered that. (No pun intended.) We can change positions but His cock will still be deep inside me.

After driving me into another orgasm He leaned back further, again pulling on my thighs. My entire lower back was off the mattress. While I was positioned like that He moved my hips up and down, telling me again to cum. As I was coming down from that one He knelt back up fully and positioned both legs up in the air but having one cross the other. He rotated His hips ever so slightly as He continued to pump His cock in and out of me.

As I felt His cock start to throb in such a way that I knew He was getting close to getting off, I began begging for His cum. And He filled me with it.

The sex was incredible and at points it felt like He was trying to push His balls into me He was fucking me so deeply. Gods it felt... indescribable. As we were cuddling up with one another I asked how His shoulder was doing. He said that He knew damn well He was going to pay for but He didn't care. *laughs*

Baby Steps

I'm sure all of you, who are regular readers, know that I'm a carpool for work. And he is constantly, and I do mean constantly, complaining about his wife. The funny thing is that he's been with his wife longer than Master and I have been together. However, we've been living together longer and married longer.

Master and I have been together for 10 years, living together for 8 years, and married for 6 years. It's nice two year increments leading up to our marriage. We were both madly in love and we knew where it was going before we starting living together but we still wanted to make sure we could live together for an extended period of time and still stand each other. *laughs* We wanted to baby step it. And here we are, still very much in love.

Now, please keep in mind that I only know so much about the relationship of this guy because he tells me. He has gone through the story so many damn times since I started driving the carpool about two years ago. So, they have been together 15 years, on and off. They only lived together for less than a year before they got married. They have been married for 3 years. Like I said, he talks about it a lot. I do not care. At all. But when you are sitting in a car 45 minutes one way you don't really have a way to get away from it. So I just let him ramble on.

Yesterday came another time where he started bitching about his wife. In the back of my head I honestly think part of the problem with his marriage is that they were on again off again. To me, you can't just total it all up. If you had breaks, regardless of the length of time, you can't start it back up and just total up the years as if you were together the whole time. It's just not how it works in my opinion. I also think another part of their problem is that they only lived together for 6 months before they got married. Again, in my opinion, that isn't long enough to find out if you can live together for an extended period of time. You're still in the "honeymoon" period of living with one another.

Yes, I'm going somewhere with this. So here we go..

Yesterday he started asking about my relationship/marriage in between his complaints of his relationship/marriage. So he would bitch and then ask me a question as if he was comparing the two. No worries, as long as he doesn't get too damn deep about it. He was mainly talking time lines.

So I told him. Master and I have never "broken up". Ever. We had some rough stops. We had some very rough spots. But we stood by one another no matter what it was that we were facing. The point is that we faced it together. Some things happened that would probably tear a lot of relationships into a million pieces and would never be able to be glued back together. The pieces never happened. There were no pieces. Nothing even caused a tear. It worked things kind of thin but that didn't even matter. We came back stronger than ever. The things that we have gone through make us what we are today. So, while we went through some heavy shit, we wouldn't be the couple we are today if they had never happened.

He was actually surprised we never broke up or thought about divorce. I mean his jaw literally dropped. I thought that was fucked up. It was like he thought that wasn't even possible.

So then he asked how long we lived together before we got married. I explained the 2 years and why. He then proceeded to state that they only lived together for 6 months because she was Catholic and as a result felt it was inappropriate to live together prior to being engaged. So apparently they were only engaged for 6 months. Here we go into my opinion again.. that's not long enough. You don't give it time to grow before you throw yourself into a highly serious commitment. Don't get me wrong. Boyfriend and girlfriend is serious. Being engaged is also serious. But when you put that ring on your finger that level of commitment amps up a lot.

Not all marriages work and I totally understand that. Sometimes, at some point, you may fall out of love. Or sometimes you just find out that it was a mistake and should have never gone there in the first place. There are many reasons why a marriage doesn't work and I respect that. But I do think just diving in head first without giving yourself and your partner time to wrap you head around it and thinking it out is a lot of the problem. Especially when the couple hasn't been married for very long and you want out.

Basically what it boiled down to is it seemed like he wished he had worked it much like Master and I had. He thought that if he had done that with wife one of two things would have happened. One, his marriage would be healthier or two, he never would have married her in the first place.

Conversations like this, regardless of who they are with, always make me so grateful that Master and I have the kind of relationship/marriage that we do, and that's with leaving the kink out.

See, that's the other thing. I feel that if a relationship is going to be really strong and long lasting there has to be a leader. Not necessarily a kink based leader, but I do think someone has to take charge. If you have both people trying to take the lead it is just going to cause friction and possibly resentment. And it's only a matter of time before that friction blows up. And then you have to try and fix it after the explosion. You may not be able to fix it or if you do there is going to be a lot of wounds being licked and a lot of duct tape trying to hold it together.

We don't have duct tape. We don't have glue. We have built certain parts back up but the wall was never knocked down.

Romance

Master and I are not big on what I call typical romance. You know... roses, expensive dinners, all that noise.

I never was and never will be one of those girls. It's just how I am. I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that I grew up as a tom boy. *shrugs* That kind of thing has just never appealed to me. I told Master all of this in the beginning. I mean, I didn't really think He was that kind of guy anyway but I just wanted to be straight up about it. I find such things to be a waste of money. You're going to hand me a bunch of dying flowers that you paid for? Um. Yeah, no thanks. As far as expensive dinners go the most expensive I ever want to go to is Applebee's or some place else that is close to that price range. I'm not even kidding. It's food. I do not see the point for paying a lot of money for something I'm going to eat. Never mind I could just spend less and buy it at the grocery store. Fuck that.

I mean it's not all about the food. It's about going out for a night with your significant other. But to me, that doesn't mean you have to go broke doing it.

To me the little things are far more romantic. Like when Master has His trench coat on and it's raining and He lifts up one side so I can hide under it. When He won me that teddy bear at the county fair, that meant a lot more to me than if He had given me flowers. Holding hands while we walk around in public means more to me than all that romantic posturing bullshit.

An image Master showed me made me smile.

They are a little odd. A little different. Yes, they still do have a lot of romantic qualities to them. But they also focus on the small things. Kissing of the hand, holding one another close, a small caress of a hand along the other's jaw line. I also love that they flirt with one another constantly. They have been together a long time and still make those quick comments that mean so much. All of that means so much more than anything He could ever buy me.

Disappearing Act

The thought popped into my head while I was trying to find a new background image for my e-mail. I was specifically looking for something to do with skulls. Yes, I know. I'm odd. Whatever.

I honestly do have a hard time letting go of Halloween. And I don't even get presents! I just love that holiday and we had a really good time at my dad's haunted house as we do every year. But it almost seemed to have something extra this year. Maybe because Master didn't dress up last year and He did this year, with a brand new mask at that!

I love the build up. Browsing for Halloween stuff. Honestly some of the stuff I find during that time of the year are things I would leave up all year round. Yes Master, I know. I am my father's daughter. *giggles* Every day is Halloween at my dad's house and I love it.

We don't decorate for anything here. We have very, very few things on the wall. It's mainly just us here. Sometimes my dad will come up or my brother. But it's sporadic and short. Plus I've always looked at this place as temporary. So I don't see the need to decorate the place with all sorts of things on the wall. Temporary has turned into 8 years years of my living here. But we figure we might as well stay put until we make the final decision as to where we want to actually put roots down. That doesn't mean we'll be buying a place. It just means that we want to find an area we want to stay in and put roots down permanently.

We have been taking our sweet time at it because whatever jobs were closer to where we live now than any place we actually want to settle down in. But that has to change. We have to look towards the future rather than just treading water. Certain things are forcing our hands as far as making us want to move even more than we did before.

If I found something tomorrow that was too good to pass up I wouldn't give a damn how far the drive to work would be. I know that's not a great way to think but oh fucking well.

When we do finally settle down I do plan on putting more stuff up. What I don't know because we don't have a lot in the way of putting things on the wall since we don't do it here. But I could buy a new piece here and there. I hope that when we do move I'll be allowed to paint the walls. If not, that's cool. But I'm totally going to look into other stuff to make the place our own and make it so it doesn't look temporary like it does here.

It looks temporary in so far as it looks like we could literally pack everything in a day. And we could. Stuff things in boxes, take a few things down, shove some furniture into the back of a u-haul and very carefully transport some important things and we'd be gone. Like we were never here.

My Best Friend

The work day dragged ass. I was blah and sluggish all damn day. I felt that way the entire ride home too. It's dark by the time I get out of work now. Already. It's so depressing. You go to work in the dark and you go home in the dark. The only way you see any sunlight is if you go outside on your lunch break. And that's only if it's not cloudy as hell all day like it was today.

The weird thing is that I'm not even really a sunlight type person. I love it when it's dark. I love it when it's raining and kind of cloudy. I love a strong storm. The difference being that it makes the work day seem so much longer. I only really enjoy these kind of days if I'm at home with Master. I can enjoy it with Him. I can't enjoy it when I'm at work.

So yeah, until I walked into the door tonight I felt very sluggish. But for whatever reason, as soon as I got comfortable I felt a thousand times better. I wasn't sluggish. I wasn't blah. I was in a good mood immediately and it didn't take much time for Master and I to start goofing around while eating dinner and watching Dexter on Netflix.

After a couple of episodes Master told me to go online and do my blog post. So I put in my ear buds, turned some music on, and am now just kind of zoning out. It love that feeling. The ear buds just kind of take over. Master is grooving in the background playing a video game of His. So we're both kind of grooving on our own stuff right now. I love that we can be in the same room and be completely comfortable doing our own thing without feeling like one of us is ignoring the other. I've seen a lot of relationships where as soon as one of them start to do something on their own their boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever immediately think that there is something wrong or they are being ignored. Normally those relationships are pretty new but still.

While the day has sucked ass, my night is going great. Master was kind enough to work on my back even though His shoulder is still really bothering Him. It was very, very sweet of Him.

It's amazing how just being home with Him can make things so much better. I feel better. Whenever I have a rough day I can always relax and decompress when I'm around Him. He is my best friend after all. I know that sounds corny as hell. But He really is. And no it's not just because I don't really have any other friends. As soon as we started dating He was my best friend, and yes I had other friends at the time.

I love Him so much. I love being around Him.

Shot in the Mouth

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My Focal Point

I was having an iffy day. First, I woke up sad. I don't know why. I think I may have had a bad dream or something. Of course, nine times out of ten I don't remember my nightmares/bad dreams. Hell, I don't remember most of my dreams. I just wake up knowing that I've had one. This morning when I woke up I knew that I had dreamed about something, I just didn't know what. And when I realized that I felt sad I figured it was a bad dream.

I included that in my morning note to Master. I didn't want to wait until I got home to talk about it. He wants constant updates to make sure He knows exactly where I'm at mentally/emotionally. He's been like that since we found I'm bipolar. It's not a bad thing at all. I understand the concern and Him wanting to know so He knows how best to help me, should I need help. I also know it's so He can compare little mental notes He makes.

The feeling of sadness lifted on the way to work. But I was still a little up and down through out the day. I never felt depressed. But I would swing back and forth between feeling fine and then feeling a little down. I wondered if it had anything to do with my period hitting soon. But then I realized that's a little ways off still. So it must just be something that is happening for no apparent reason. It's not like I need a reason to feel off. It just happens sometimes.

I sent Master little text messages through out the day to keep Him updated. I had a couple of stops to make after work. I just couldn't wait until I got home. I just wanted to be near Him. And of course as soon as I was able to relax into the normal nightly routine I started feeling much better.

Master had kept me laughing and we've been joking around just to be silly. Maybe that's all I needed. A little bit of silliness. All work and no play makes Kitten a dull girl after all.

We watched Dexter while we goofed off. Now I'm doing my blog post and listening to songs on Your Tube while wearing my ear buds. I have this damn Rob Zombie song stuck in my head. And it's not really one of his that I love. It's mainly the beat. Isn't it always? And of course to purge it I have to listen to it. And now I'm listening to it for the second time just to make sure. Sometimes just listening to it once doesn't fully get it out, so then I figure listening to it more than once back to back is more likely to be successful. You know, follow the pattern of it looping around in my head.

Anyway, the point is that normally to feel better, since I'm properly medicated, all I need is some good down time silliness with my loving Husband. He is my rock. He is my focal point. And it works. And I love Him for it.

Trick or Treat

I had a lot of fun yesterday. It was awesome! I know it was a day late but helping my dad with his haunted house was a blast like it is every year. We barely got there in time though thanks to traffic. So I basically rushed into the bathroom to change into my costume. I didn't have time for make-up so I stuck with the black eyeliner and dark red lipstick. *shrugs* It worked. My "job" at my dad's haunted house isn't really to scare people. My job is basically to make sure the kids and adults don't go into parts of the house they aren't supposed to go in. My dad blocks those areas off with props but that doesn't mean people don't try it anyway. Master is the one who gets to scare people. *grins* And He's good at it. This year He was a creepy as hell scarecrow. He is really good at standing or sitting as still as a statue.

So basically He just looked like another decoration. If there were little kids then Master just sat still. He couldn't always see who was coming through so Dad made sure to say, rather loudly, that nothing was going to pop out at them so they wouldn't be too scared to walk through. That was basically my dad's way of letting Master know so He wouldn't suddenly move or stand up.

But if they kids were older or it was an adult, Master would wait until they started to pass Him and then He would slowly turn His head or stand up suddenly. He never tried to grab anyone, just to be on the safe side. But a lot of people didn't even want to walk past Him because they were so creeped out by Him even though, at the time, He was just sitting there like a prop.

It was a blast. We also got some pictures too. There is one picture of us that I love! I'm in my costume and so is Master. He stood behind me and put His hands on my shoulders. I had my arms crossed and it basically ended up looking like I had this 6ft4 creepy as hell scarecrow guard that I would "sick" on people if they pissed me off. He had His mask on to add to the effect. I love that picture.

There were a few key points of last night that stick out in my mind in regards to Master scaring people.

One was when a kid threw a piece of candy at Him to try and prove to people that He wasn't a prop, thinking that He would move. Of course He didn't and my dad told the kid (he was a preteen) to go pick up the candy. The preteen refused. *laughs* So then he got a little closer and the kid said, "He's real. He has to be real." The kid had gotten brave enough to get closer to Master when he said it, so at that moment Master just turned His head and said, "Ya think?" The kid jumped back. It was hilarious.

Another time was when He decided to sit behind the couch like a prop rather than on the bar stool like He had been doing. Again, people didn't want to walk past Him. He sat still. Then, once they had gone through the haunted house and made it to where my dad was about to give them candy He sat up and popped up behind the couch. One of the girls screamed. That was funny.

The best one of the night though...

Well, there is this neighbor that always dresses up as Sting from WCW. And every year he stops at my dad's house to look around. (He's an adult.. probably about my age.) And he always brags about how he's never been scared of anything at my dad's. Ever.

Master was sitting on the bar stool, a little slumped over like He was a stuffed prop, just as He had been most of the night. The dude walks in and comments on how Dad's new stuffed prop looked really cool after my dad had told him that he made a new one this year, referring to Master.

The dude then turns around to talk to my dad, his back to Master. Master turned His head a tiny bit to make sure the guy wasn't looking. This guy couldn't see Him at all because his back was completely to Master and my dad and him were chatting away.

So Master slowly stands up to make sure He didn't make any noise and stands directly behind this guy. Like I said, Master is 6ft4 and this guy was probably about 5ft9 or so. As a result, Master was standing there towering over him. This entire time neither my dad or I reacted. It was just normal conversation. Then my dad makes this head movement to get the guy to turn around. When he does the fist thing he sees is Master's bloodied up jacket. He quickly looks up and sees Master's mask and he jumps back and makes a shocked sound. His eyes got huge and then once he had jumped back a little he started laughing.

It was fucking hilarious. My dad was laughing pretty hard and was so stoked that he had finally been able to scare this guy. 

After tricks and treats were done Master and I change into our regular clothes. We sat around and chilled with my dad, my uncle, and one of dad's friends that had come over once tricks and treats were done.

Right before we left my dad wanted to get some video of his haunted house as if the camcorder was someone coming through the haunted house. He wanted to send it to his girlfriend that lives out of state so she could see how everything looked. Master is really good with a camera so Dad wanted Him to handle the camcorder his friend had brought over.

So while they were doing that, Dad's friend, my uncle and I hid in the bedroom so we wouldn't get in the way or ruin the effect since we were already in our normal clothes. Once they were done we all came out and stayed for a little bit longer before saying goodbye and going home.

We both had a great time and look forward to doing it again next year.