Identity

I was flipping through some journal prompts today and I found one that I actually thought would make an interesting post. Normally I only go to the prompts if I have absolutely nothing to talk about. Now, while I do have stuff to talk about it's nothing that I want to talk about. It's nothing horrible. It's just more of the same. And I miss blogging about our dynamic. I really do, but "normal" life creeps in and suddenly takes over my thought pattern and it's hard to focus on the dynamic itself as it is the one thing that has not changed, mean while everything else is.

I feel bad about that. Our dynamic is very important to me, as I know it is for Master as well. So I am doing a post about it damnit! *stomps foot* So there.

The prompt was regarding identity. It is actually several questions in one prompt but I chose the question that was the most interesting to me.

Do you ever fear of losing your own identity or sense of self within your service?

While I could give an incredibly short answer, that's not the point of doing a blog post. So you shall get the longer explanation instead.

I do not fear losing my identity within my service to Master. If anything, it strengthens my sense of self. I was only 20 when I met Master. He plucked me and started shaping me when I was just a young adult. So in a way, you could say that He has shaped my entire adult life. I'm only 28 and I understand that, but when you've just recently turned into a young adult, you're still trying to figure out who you are. You may think you have an idea of who you are, but in all honestly you're still trying to get a grip on it.

Because of that, I would say that I would not be who I am today if I had never met Him. Not to mention the fact that I have many different "identities" or "masks" just by being His and being with Him. Let's just go down the list shall we? (These are in no particular order by the way.)

1. Slave
2. Wife
3. Mate
4. Personal Secretary
5. Sex Toy
6. Best Friend
7. Accountant
8. Nurse

The list continues, I'm sure. I just can't think of the other ones right now. I would say that's at least most of them.

I don't know if I would have been any of those with anyone else. Most likely not. Until I met Master I didn't ever think about submission. I thought about kinky sex, but not submission. Those are worlds apart, trust me. I also never really thought about marriage. Hell, when I first met Him I told Him that marriage wasn't a big deal to me. Then as time went on I realized that I really did want to be His wife, which is why I asked Him to marry me.

I honestly don't think anyone else besides Him could have "tamed" me. I wasn't a wild child or anything. I was just very stubborn and very much a "Fuck you very much" type person. Well, I still am, but He can pull me short. Especially now that I'm on medication for being bipolar. The looks He gives me are recognized for what they are (warnings) a lot sooner than they use to. The quick sharp tone when He says my name, or my pet name. All of it sinks in quicker and pulls me up short. Sometimes, yes I'll still push my luck but I feel I am doing much better now that I am medicated. Sometimes stress still fucks me up, but I really am trying to be better.

I actually think being His slave has actually given me more character and a better sense of who I am and who I can be.