Back Stage Pass

There are some things that you don't tell anyone. You don't tell your mother, your father, your best friend, your therapist even. And you would think that you would tell your therapist everything, so that they can help you. I have a therapist (someone I just talk to, but can't prescribe medicine or give a diagnosis) and I also have a shrink (I talk to him as well, but he can give a diagnosis and prescribe medicine). I do not tell them everything. I don't share some random thoughts, impulses, or darker desires.

Why not you ask? Well I don't hide anything that could help them help me. It's just that there is some shit they don't need to know. I have this weird thing about letting people into my head. I'd never fully opened the curtain and shown anyone everything that's going on back stage. It's part of the reason why I was so scared of starting therapy and getting help. I'm not regretting it by any means, I'm just saying that when I called to make my first appointment I was nervous as hell. I had bad experiences in the past with shrinks.

But the bad experiences with past shrinks isn't what made me reluctant to let people back stage. I have been that way for as long as I can remember. I know that there are some things that I think or fantasize about that are what most people would consider weird or wrong or just down right crazy. I knew that from a pretty young age. Not that I'm bat shit fucking psycho or anything. I'm not. But it's just some thoughts that creep into my head that I knew if I voiced them I would bring a whole lot of attention my way, and not the good kind of attention. The "There is something seriously fucking wrong with you," kind of attention.

Some of it was/is kink related. That is one thing I have not told my therapist or my shrink. I have talked about my high sex drive, as my shrink has encouraged me discuss it with my therapist since it is related to my bipolar disorder. But I don't know if they are kink friendly, and I don't think it really plays a part in getting help, so I just leave it be.

But there are other things that go on inside my head that I don't talk about, write about, or otherwise admit to.

With one exception.

Master.

It took a while for me to start telling Him everything. At first it was because I wasn't sure how He would take it. And then once I knew He wouldn't reject me or try and throw me in the nice padded room with a hug me jacket, I still waited. I wasn't sure how to open the curtain all the way. I had never done it before. Now granted, when I met Him I was a whopping 20 years old. But I still had trouble with it. I would say it was at about the year mark of our relationship that I started pulling the curtain back more and more. I wasn't hiding anything from Him. My not telling Him these things was not effecting our relationship in any way. But I love Him. And I wanted Him to have a full access pass to my mind, body and soul. And so finally I told myself that I should just do it, and if anything bad happens because of it, then it's better to find out now rather than later on down the road.

And so I did. I basically handed Him the invisible back stage pass and He loved me more because of it. And He did the same in return. There are things I know about Him that His best friends of 20+ years don't know. There are things about me that He knows that people who have known me my whole life don't know.

And I think that's the reason why we work so well together, and at least part of the reason why we're coming up on eight years together in less than two weeks. It's why we can communicate in a crowded room, surrounded by family and/or friends, without anyone realizing it because we haven't said a fucking word. And that connection only gets stronger as the years go by, as we continue to share anything that is going on in our heads.

It was difficult to let the curtain shake the dust off and let Him walk past it. It scared me to do it. But it's the best decision I've made in my life. The second best decision I made was marrying Him.