Ramblings

I'm not really sure what to post about today.So I'm going to ramble.

I took my first dose of my new medication last night. One of the side effects known to be related to this drug is a skin rash. This kind of sucks because I also get eczema breakouts, so I'm going to have to be careful to see which one it is. I don't want to say the rash is caused by the drug when it's really my eczema acting up. So I just did a search for what the rash reaction to this drug looks like. It basically looks like really bad hives, which is totally different than an eczema breakout. That's a good thing. At least I'll be able to tell the difference.

Master is kind of picking on me (in jest) about having to be on medication. But He's just trying to make me laugh about it, and not be so worried. He knows that I feel there is a certain stigma surrounding mental disorders and taking medication for it. So He's trying to make me feel better about it by joking. There is healing in laughter. Sometimes I joke around and call Him my court jester, because He's always trying to make me laugh and make me smile. I love Him.

Last night as I held that pill in my hand and was about to put it in my mouth I had to take a deep breath. It's one thing to think you need medication, and it's another to know you need medication.

I also had to tell Master last night that as with any anti-depressant or with bi-polar medication there is a risk of suicidal thoughts or actions. I don't want Him to think that it's gonna happen for sure or anything, but He needed to be aware of it.

One thing I don't like being seen as is weak. And I use to think that needing medication to manage yourself meant weakness. But I'm learning that seeking help and doing what you have to do to get better shows strength. It took a lot of strength to get past the denial part and realize that yeah, I do need help. I can't do this on my own. So here I am, on the path to help myself and in turn help our marriage.

I'm not saying we were headed towards divorce, but the severe fluctuation in moods was hurting me, and it was hurting Him, which in turn hurts our marriage. As I'm sure I've said in previous posts, I don't think I would have sought help if I was single. But our marriage means the world to me, and I will do anything to make it the best marriage it possibly can be.

So in a few hours I'll be taking my second dose. One day, and one pill at a time.