Inside My Head

I don't have anything kinky to write about right now. So I thought I would do an update post on how my medication and therapy is going. If you don't want to hear about me being a crazy person, please skip this post. Thank you.

I've only had two sessions with JD, and one session with Dr. L. But so far both of them have given great advice, and Dr. L has already started me on medication. Dr. L said that He doesn't feel that Cyclothymia is the correct diagnosis. He is leaning more towards Bipolar II, which is extremely similar to Bipolar I except a person with Bipolar II never reaches full on mania. In other words, everything else is the same except I don't experience full on manic periods.  Instead I experience hypomania. Enough of the technical jargon. If you want to read more, go here.

This is why JD can not make a full on diagnosis or prescribe medication. She was stuck between the two (Cyclothymia and Bipolar II) where as Dr. L was pretty much like, "Yeah.... your symptoms are a bit too severe for just Cyclothymia...."

Nothing against JD at all. She's wonderful and I'm glad I'm speaking with her. But Dr. L is pretty cool as well.

So as you know Dr. L put me on a mood stabilizer. It is the type of medication that has to build up in your system. I'll be taking my fourth dose tonight. Thankfully it's only a once a day medication. And even though I know it has to build up in the system, I can already feel a slight change.

The past few days I've been rather up. Kinda hyper, very horny, and just generally in a grand mood. But tonight with no reason behind it what so ever, I felt myself start cycling a little bit. It was not a sudden slam into another mood, thankfully, which is why I think I can already feel the medication helping. I just felt it start to slip. And it upsets me when this happens for no reason, because the night was/is going extremely well and then suddenly my mood changes with no warning.

But like I said this time I felt it start up. And I excused myself. I still felt okay but I could feel that familiar irritated mindset come on. I was going into one of my more aggressive moods. And I wanted to stop it. JD told me that when I start feeling myself switch into an aggressive mood or a depressed mood I should basically give myself a time out.

So I went to go take my bath. Water helps relax me, so I figured that was a good way to give myself a time out, as well as get my bath out of the way for the night. Master had asked me if something was wrong. He knew something was up, but I just told Him I was okay. I really was, nothing was wrong. I just felt that shift start to take place and wanted to nip it in the bud. But I didn't want to sit there and try to explain that so I wouldn't start to get snippy with Him and ruin His mood as well.

So I took my bath and had my self inflicted time out. I did the deep breathing techniques that my Master taught me. I took my time washing up, shaving, and washing my hair. I forced myself to make slow movements. When I start getting agitated my movements tend to be quick, direct, and well... forceful.

I really am trying to make myself realize what is going on with my moods, and trying to keep a grip on myself. And Master has noticed it. He has told me as much, which makes me just want to keep working on it. His praise, and His love mean the world to me. Not that He would ever withhold His love, but you get what I'm saying.

So after my bath I came out into the living room and I felt a lot better. I felt like I had a grip on myself, and my mood had settled back into that good mood I've been rocking these past few days.

Another thing JD has told me to do is to do something that relaxes me that is small, like some people relax themselves by just closing their eyes for a little while, or playing with their hair. I knew exactly what I could do, the minute she told me about it.

I can run my finger up and down the scar on my chest that Master gave me back when we were first started dating. That scar is going to be with me to the day I die. It is never going away, and it is not something anyone can take away from me. I love that scar. So as I sat on the couch, even though I was already relaxed, I ran my finger over my scar over, and over, and over again. It was soothing.

I can't always touch my scar, because sometimes the top I'm wearing covers it. So I've started thinking of other things I can do that won't look like I have my hand down my shirt. *laughs* And they all have something to do with my Husband. I can play with my wedding ring, or run my hand over my cuff or collar. Like I said, they all have something to do with my Husband.

He is my best friend, the love of my life, my Husband, and my Master. He is the only person in this whole world I can be 100% myself around. He is also the only person in this world (that doesn't read this blog) that knows I'm on medication and been diagnosed as Bipolar. My family doesn't know, our friends do not know.

He is my rock, my world, and my heart. He's in my soul, and in my head. And I could never express how much His love and support mean to me. So many other people would have given up a long time ago. All the pain I've put Him through with the up, downs, and aggressive moods... I can never make up for that. And I know this. But He's still here, with me, loving me and supporting me. And I'm trying to be a better wife, a better slave. And I'm going to stick with my medication, and I'm going to stick with my therapy. And I'm going to do everything I possibly can to be a better person and to keep this marriage the happiest one it possibly can be.