Uh... Yeah.

So. I didn't quit smoking. After talking with my Husband, as well as my mother (at different times) they both agree that going cold turkey is going to be a very bad idea for me.

And since I'm married to one, and the other raised me I decided to not let my pride get in the way and listened to them.

I suffer from depression, and a lovely little thing called panic attacks. Those are fun.

Right now my depression is doing okay. But after a good five or so hours without a cigarette I could feel a panic attack coming on. Not so much knowing that I would have to wait a while for a cig. That I can deal with. But the fact of knowing that I could not have one. My chest was tight, I had to control my breathing so I didn't start freaking out. Panic attacks suck. Panic attacks that happen at work where you don't want to embarrass the hell out of yourself or explain what the fuck is going on... suck even more.

Master picked me up from work and we talked more about it, and He agreed that I should just try to moderate my cigarettes for now, and then eventually wean myself off of it completely.

People can think what they want. I said I would quit, yes. But when it comes down to it, nothing in this blog is scripture. (Thankfully.) And my mood shifts rather rapidly lately. So one minute I can be all gung-ho about something, and the next I start to realize that yeah.. that's not such a hot idea.

Since I already have to ask if I may have a cigarette when I'm at home, Master is being more mindful of telling me whether or not I can have one.

For instance, I just asked Him if I could have one right now. He said I had to wait until after my bath was done. So I have to wait a while, and I know that if I were to rush through my bath just to have that cigarette that much quicker, He'd tell me no.

So that's a good thing.

I don't have much else on my mind right now. My right shoulder is giving me problems today, and it's starting to go up my neck a bit. So I think I'm going to go soak in the tub, and maybe I'll hop back online later for another post. I'm not sure yet.