Blog Move!!!!!

Okay... what the hell?! Blogger is changing their rules... again. Now, they will no longer allow adult pictures and they are looking into not allowing adult content either. Rather than waiting for that bullshit to happen I am moving my blog. It will be at Wordpress. I had originally started there but moved it here because I was doing reviews for free sex toys and they made it so you can't do that. Well, since I don't do that anymore and they DO and have ALWAYS allowed adult content I am moving over there.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO MY NEW BLOG!!!!

I will no longer be updating this blog. I will leave it open until Blogger decides to delete it due to it's content. Everything here will be available at the new blow. If you would rather not click on the link here is the actual link for the blog: https://coyoteskitten4.wordpress.com/

I am re-learning how to do things over there so I will be playing with a few things but I will making new posts as usual. I hope you all follow me over there! The comments were imported as well.

Nervous

I have been so nervous about the job interview tomorrow. In fact it has only gotten worse as it has gotten closer. I'm assuming that they were impressed with my scores since they literally called me only hours after my testing was done. However, that doesn't really equate to much should the interview not meet or exceed their expectations.

I think part of the reason why I am more nervous than usual is because I do have such a long gap in my work history. I mean a year is a huge amount of time. I've never even had to deal with even a month of employment gap except for when I was going to college for a while.

The upside is that I do have a lot of experience with what the job is. It is a metric fuck ton of data entry and typing. Mainly transcription if I am reading the job explanation correctly. So, hopefully that will put me ahead of the game a little bit.

The directions say it only takes about a half hour to get there but I will be leaving about a hour before I have to be there. Why? Because I know where it is and down town in that city is a pain in the ass. I don't want to get myself turned around and be late. I also prefer to show up to an interview at least 15 minutes early, so I'm really only giving myself an additional 15 minutes of drive time. And if I get there sooner than that I'll just sit in my car for a little while.

Another reason why I'm so nervous is because it is a government job. That is a huge deal. Actually since I worked at the law firm I've kind of wanted a government job. I know it's not all it's cracked up to be so I'm not really sure why it attracts me. Don't get me wrong, it's not like that's the only kind of work I've been applying to. Hell, I've been applying to retail jobs and I haven't had any retail experience for 7 to 8 years now. The rest has all been office work. I'm not above working any kind of job. But my hopes have been for an office job, I won't lie about that.

I'm not sure how many more steps there are to the hiring process should they decide that my interview goes well tomorrow. I've already had the testing and from the e-mail I received it states that three people will be interviewing me. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing I'm not sure.

Here's hoping!

Daddy Issues

Today has been a rough one. After my grandpa passed away it has been a waiting game with my father. Specifically regarding him getting off his ass and getting paperwork going. Yes, I am referring to the estate. He is the executor of the estate so everyone is waiting on him, including my uncle (his brother). The saddest part is he's not letting anyone in. My uncle isn't even being told everything. My uncle is trying to do the right thing by everyone else in the family but my father is dragging his heels. You would think it would want it done as soon as possible but nope... So when anyone has a question as to what is going on we talk to my uncle.

My uncle had wanted me to look into some policies with our bank regarding checks and hold times, etc. and so on. I had recently obtained the information he wanted so I called him today. I gave him the info and he told me some things. He then mentioned that he is going to my dad's today and asked if maybe I could go too and perhaps we could get some more information out of my dad. I think my uncle was looking for moral support more than anything. Gods knows he's not getting it from my dad.

So we go there. At first we just hang out but then my uncle and I both start trying to nonchalantly pull information out of Dad. My uncle got a couple of very small answers. One of which included the fact that my dad has an appointment with the lawyer tomorrow but that my uncle didn't have to be there so don't worry about it. He wouldn't even tell him the time of the damn appointment.

However, when I asked direct questions my dad could be smiling and joking around but the minute I asked a question his face would go completely blank. Sometimes he would give me a bullshit answer and then go back to what he was saying. Other times he just ignored the fact that I asked anything at all.

We stayed longer than either Master or myself wanted to but we were trying to be there for my uncle. Finally we just wanted to leave whether my uncle was ready to or not. (We had taken separate cars.) As soon as we did that my uncle got up as well as if he was going to leave as well. I think what ended up happening was that we were all waiting on the other to bring up the fact that they were leaving. Figures.

After we got home though I had a bunch of shit going through my head. I was pretty pissed at my dad because he is playing this so close to the vest that it is coming off as shady as hell. What the hell are you trying to hide?

But then a bunch of other stuff piled in on me about how my dad just isn't available emotionally. When I was a teenager/young adult I thought it was cool because my dad wanted to just hang out and be my friend. I thought of him as the "cool dad". But now that I am older I am realizing that I have been pretty damn naive when it comes to him. I can't go to him with anything serious at all. He will shut down on me or make a joke about it. Long and short of it I like having him as a friend but I also want my dad sometimes too, ya know? I may be in my early 30's but I still want my dad to be my dad from time to time. That's all I'm asking. But I know that will never happen.

With all the bullshit that he has been doing over the course of my grandfather being put in a nursing home up to and through what is currently going on has really opened my eyes. What further helped that is listening to some of the things my mom protected me from when I was a kid as well as what my dad's ex-girlfriend told me that she tried to protect me from when I was an adult and he was with my dad. We recently reconnected with her and man did she share some shit after I told her all of the things that my dad has been doing. She didn't want to tell me while they were together. They both did this to try and not taint my view or opinion of my dad. But now that I'm damn near 32 and I'm confused about my dad they both felt I had the right to know. And no, before you say anything, this isn't the vengeful ex-wife/ex-girlfriend bull shit. Their stories were so fucking similar isn't not even funny.

I wanted so badly to keep a relationship with my dad even with everything he has been doing but I'm not sure I can. At least not for a while. When this is all said and done I may pull back, way back, for a while. We'll see how things go from there. I am not saying that I'll never speak to him again. However I will be having quite a few things to say that date from way back to the present and I think that will help me. It may make him feel like shit but it will help me.

My head is twisted right now. I'm basically just throwing this shit out onto my blog to get at least part of it out of my brain and onto something else. I just want to relax the rest of the night as much as I possibly can. I can't stress myself out overly much. I need to focus. I have a very important interview on Wednesday. I need to focus on that and not on anything else.

Writing & One Year Anniversary

For some reason I got it into my head to start writing a story. It's honestly just something to distract myself for the time being. One day I was typing away and Master asked me what I was doing. I told Him. He commented that I never finish them. And He's right. I have never started writing a story and actually finished it. I just get stuck and forget about it, I get bored with it, or I just move on to something else.

But it's not like I ever plan on getting published. When I was young I always wanted to be a writer. I never knew if I was ever actually good at it but I enjoyed it. I thought it would be really cool to see my name printed on a book. Authored by: (insert my name here). Seeing something like that would be amazing. It will never happen and I accept that. But it is still fun to think about.

Making this blog and writing in it is fun too. At least when I feel like I actually have something to say. I must admit sometimes it is a chore but that is only because I have no idea what to write about. Nothing is going on and I don't have anything new on my mind. *shrugs*

I know I could just write the little story entries I'm making now as blog posts but I know that isn't what this blog is for. Also, I don't really want others to see it. Especially in such a public way where there is really no way to protect it.

That sounds stupid doesn't it? Wanting to protect something that I know will never be finished and therefore will never be published. But it's how I feel about it. Now, if Master told me that I had to I would. After all it would be an order, not a suggestion.

For some reason I just don't want to write an actual story, even if it is only part of it, and for someone to "steal" it from my blog. Who knows what they would do with it. Like I said, it sounds really stupid even to me.

I honestly don't think anyone would actually want to steal it. I don't think I'm worthy of my writing to be published.

However, I enjoy the distraction right now. It gives me something to do when I am bored and don't really feel like doing anything else. It also keeps my anxiety levels down a bit. I'm anxious about how all this family shit is going to end. I'm also anxious about the upcoming interview as I truly want this job and more importantly I need it. It's been a full year as of today that I was "let go" from my last job. I have never been unemployed for this long. Hell, since I started working I've never been unemployed except for when I took a break to go to college for a while. I never would have thought that I would have been without a job for this long. I could see a month or two. At the most four months. But here I am twelve months later and unemployed.

I will fully admit that if I do not get this job I have an interview for on Wednesday I will be upset. Not just a little upset. Very upset. With all of the fresh hell that Master and I have been through in a very short amount of time karma needs to swing the other way. It needs to swing back in our favor and hopefully it will swing in the way of my getting this job.

Rough Day

Today has been a really, really rough day. I don't want to get into all of it. I will just say that Master and I have been stressed the fuck out all day. It was one hit after another after another. As soon as we had one thing figured out another came around to knock us over the back of our heads. I am very happy that it is almost over. For at least the past few hours, knock on wood, there hasn't been anything new. Let's hope that it stays that way, shall we? Yes. Yes, we shall.

I had received a phone call a little while ago regarding a job I had applied to back in November. I am not even kidding you. It had been so long that I just assumed that the position had been filled. But no, it just took them that long to get the ball rolling. It is a local government job. I would be very excited to get the job. During the phone call she told me that I would need to complete a typing test and a transcription test. I have never done any actual transcribing. I had taken dictation but nothing where I am sitting there listening to a recording. But I knew that was part of the job when I applied. I knew I could do it. I readily accepted the appointment. It was the first step in the interview process. No problem.

Yesterday was the day of the testing. They wanted 60wpm for the typing test. I had 68wpm with a 99% accuracy. For the transcription test they wanted 70% accuracy. That seemed low to me. After all this is data entry. But who am I to question their requirements? *shrugs* I ended up with a 97% accuracy.

It was a group testing session. I was the first one done and when the lady printed a copy of my test scores out for me she seemed very pleased and told me that I would receive a call if they were interested.

I am not even close to kidding when I say that not even five hours later I received a call asking me to come in for an interview next week. My jaw just about dropped. I honestly didn't think that it would be that fast. I was out running errands when I got that call. It could have waited until I got home but I was so excited that I called Master immediately after. He is very happy for me and proud of me.

So while today has whooped the ever living hell out of us at least there is one good thing going on. Now, let's just hope that it pans out and I actually get the job. I'm not sure how many other steps there would be after the interview but I'm just happy that I am getting this far with it.

Too Long

Last night Master and I were trying to think of something to do. While doing so I asked if He wanted to watch a porno. He shrugged and said sure why not. I pulled out all of the dvds we have, which honestly aren't all that many, and asked Him to pick one out. I normally choose but He doesn't really care but I had already asked if I could go use the bathroom so I figured that maybe He would pick one out. He did. But not the way I thought. He simply stacked them all in a pile and picked the one on top. *laughs* It ended up being one where it is predominately anal sex. In fact one of the first scenes in it is a chick taking a baseball bat sized dildo up her ass after basically being fisted in the ass. That scene always makes me cringe. Master said that she must be made out of elastic. He's probably right.

Anyway, we both got undressed and curled up under the covers while we watched it. The next scene wasn't quite as horrifying and Master was kind enough to fast forward through most of the first scene anyway. Like I said, the entire dvd is mainly anal sex. We haven't done that in a long time. Longer than it should be. So I turned my head a bit and asked Him if He would like to try anal. He said, "You don't have to ask me twice."

And that started it off. He almost immediately moved my hair off to the side and just started chewing on my neck and shoulder. Sometimes He would dig His teeth in and actually pull backwards so that my entire shoulder moved back with Him. I do have to say I have very pretty bruises from it today.

Once He was done biting me He gently turned me over onto my stomach. After He entered me He asked me if I wanted the dvd to keep playing. I told Him that I didn't care so He reached over my head where the remote was and turned it off.

He commented on how dripping wet I already was. Biting like that will do that to me. He fucked me deep and slow, allowing me to cum several times. After I was nice and deep into my sub space He pulled out and told me to get the lube.

Well, the lube we normally use was still packed away. (Like I said, it has been too long.) But I had another one accessible. We had never tried it before but I opened it up and handed it to Him. I also grabbed my vibrator to use on my clit since that seems to help a lot when He is first sliding His cock into my ass.

He lubed both of us up and I put the vibrator to my clit. He tried to start slow but all of a sudden the head of His dick slid in and it hurt like hell. It felt like there was no lube there what so ever. I dropped the vibrator and Master immediately pulled out. I knew that He had lubed both of us up really well because He always does. The problem was that the lube dried out almost as soon as He was done putting it on. As soon as the pain stopped, which thankfully didn't take that long I hopped off the bed and went digging through my suitcase. Master was kneeling there wondering what the hell I was doing but finally I found it! I know how not sexy it was to just watch me digging around looking for something especially when it took as long as it did but damn it I was on a mission! As soon as I found it I handed it to Him and He lubed both of us back up again.

Round two!

And thankfully His cock slide in without much more than a small wince from me. I literally got off as soon as He slid halfway into my ass. He went very slowly at first. Very gentle. But from past experiences I knew that since it had been such a long time that I wouldn't be able to stay relaxed for very long. I told Him this and He said, "So what I am hearing is to fuck your ass hard." I nodded my head and He had absolutely no problem doing so. It felt amazing but it hurt a bit at the same time. I got off again and I didn't even need the vibrator against my clit that time.

He asked me, "Do you want cum up your ass slut?"

My response sounded desperate, at least to me, "Yes Master please cum in my ass. It's been too long."

As soon as those words were out of my mouth I felt His cock throbbing and I heard that familiar and wonderful growl coming from deep in His throat. It was intense in a very good way.

Today I told Master that I would like to try anal again soon. I know that my body has to get used to it. It really does. And it can't if it only happens once every six months. Master wants to push my body enough so that I can "handle it" for a longer period of time but He doesn't want me lying to Him and possibly hurting myself by not letting Him know when it really hurts.

Fun Fact

Master and I learned an interesting lesson yesterday. Master had taken four tramadol yesterday. It is a pain reliever. His back has been really, really fucking with Him lately. He in no way exceeded the dosage or took more than He should have in a 24 hour time frame. He has obviously taken this medication before. It works. His back feels a lot better after He takes them. But we have never had sex the same day He has taken the pills. Here comes the interesting lesson. A fun fact if you will.

I had put on lingerie so that I would look nice for Him. It was a body stocking that has small holes all over it. It looks great on me. The only issue with it is that sometimes my nipple piercing jewelry gets caught in it. Normally it's not that big of a deal but for some reason last night it was continuously getting caught to the point where it was actually hurting. I have horseshoe shaped body jewelry in my nipples. They are Master's favorite. I originally had just a simple barbell in each but He didn't find them as exciting so as soon as I was healed enough to put in new jewelry I went out about bought the horseshoe style.

Anyway, I didn't want to take the lingerie off. He loves it on me and I felt sexy in it. So the solution I came to is that I would pull the top part of it down enough so that it would rest under my tits rather than on them. It still looked good so at least that much.

Eventually we started to call it a night so we got down to business. *winks* He started by molesting my tits and fingering me before laying on His side and telling me to suck His dick. I slid down and I more worshiped His cock than I did suck it. Not that it was a bad thing. It was just what struck me at the time. I sure in the hell didn't hear any complaints from Him. *laughs*

After that He slowly pulled me off of Him and put me on all fours. He gripped me in all the right places while He was fucking me. My hips, my shoulders, the side of my neck, and every variation in between. He ordered me to cum over and over again and my body was more than willing to obey.

It felt like He had gotten close to getting off a few times but He didn't. I figured that it was just Him holding it off. (He's good at that. That man has some crazy self control.) He put me on my stomach and kicked one of my legs out so that it was bent at the knee. He placed one leg in between mine and the other one was keeping that one leg out. He pinned me to the bed and told me how ever after 12 years (it'll be 12 years in March) He is never tired of fucking me. I swooned at that and I have to say that I feel the exact same way. Our sex life is still amazing and I don't think that will ever change honestly.

While we were in this position it felt like He had gotten close to cumming again but He didn't. It's interesting how after fucking someone for so long you can tell, ya know?

He then had me bring that one leg back under Him and He put me in what we call the "rape" position. It is where He pins down my wrists and hooks His legs under mine. I am no longer allowed to cum once I am in that position. I think that is part of the reason why we call it that. Well, that and I literally cannot move even if I wanted to.

I told Him how I love how thick His cock is. How I love that it stretches my tight pussy the way that it does. He growled a little bit and told me that my pussy is as tight today as it was the first time He slid inside me. We were both hot. Not only do I mean revved up but I also mean as in we were sweating. His sweat was dripping down onto me. I find that incredibly sexy. I'm not sure why, but I do.

Suddenly He stopped and pulled out. I asked Him what was wrong and apparently His hip was starting to bother Him. I can understand why. He had been fucking me hard for a very long time. He didn't slow down once in that entire time. I asked if there was anything I could do. He told me to just give Him a minute. So I knelt up beside Him and just slowly stroked His dick. After a while He sat down and got comfortable so that I could blow Him. He chuckled when He went to gather up my hair. He said, "There isn't as much to hold anymore." After all, I just had 7 inches of hair cut off. But because of that His grip was tighter and closer to my scalp. I enjoyed the sensation. It sent waves of electricity down my spine.

He allowed me to set my own pace at first but then He became more aggressive about it. I just had to loosen my jaw a tiny bit and He moved my head the way He wanted to move it. I simply went by His lead and flicked and rolled my tongue when I could. Once more it felt like He got really, really close to shooting a load into my mouth but again He didn't quite peak. After that point He just held my head down and fucked my face. He didn't get soft at any period of time. He was just rock hard but not getting off.

He pulled my mouth off His dick and fucked me again. About another 20 minutes later His hip was bothering me again. Like I said I can completely understand that. I asked if He wanted me to be on top and He said no.

It was about then that we both acknowledged the fact that while He was having absolutely no problem staying rock hard and feeling everything like normal every time He came close to getting off He wouldn't. We knew it was due to the medications. It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together. I know we were both thinking it before that point but after that point we acknowledged it.

But there was no way either of us wanted Him to get blue balls. He had me lay on my back sideways along the bed. He just wanted to look at me while He stroked His cock. I played with my tits and fingered myself. I wanted to give Him a bit of a show. Hell, I thought that may even help. He really enjoyed it but nothing. So He pulled me to the edge of the bed and put me on all fours again. He allowed me to get off once more.

But in all honesty His hip was getting to Him again and I was honestly starting to dry up a little bit. I'm not sure why. I do have to say I was feeling a bit bad because I couldn't get Him off. I know it wasn't/isn't my fault but I couldn't help but to feel that way at the time. At least a little bit.

But finally I was able to watch Him jerk off. I would watch and then I would nuzzle Him and kiss His face.

We still had amazing sex. Now we know that when He takes that many tramadol that we shouldn't fuck.

50 Shades of Boredom

A while ago I had dyed the ends of my hair a bright neon red. I did it because I have always wanted to and since I have been unemployed for so long I thought I might as well get it out of my system. I really liked it. But today I received a phone call in regards to a government job I had applied to at least four or five months ago, if not six months. But you know how it is with government shit. It takes forever.

They wanted to schedule me for a typing and transcribing test. The minimum wpm they want is 60 and they want a 70% accuracy on the transcribing. I honestly think I should knock this out of the park. I had a typing test last year for a different job that I ended up not getting. My kph were 10,680 and my accuracy was 99.7%. So I don't see why it would be under the minimum score requirements now. But I'm not getting cocky about it. That's when you start fucking up. Not to mention the fact that it is only step one in this possible hiring process. The test is scheduled for this upcoming Tuesday.

However, even though this isn't a full on interview I didn't feel comfortable going in for testing with my red dyed hair tips. Things like that stick in people's minds. They remember that kind of thing. "Well her test scores were wonderful but she had oddly colored hair... It just didn't look professional." And yes, I am paranoid about that kind of thing.

I had some suggestions to just dye over it. But professionally dying hair is fucking expensive and if I did it by myself it wouldn't turn out right since it would be not only be over my natural hair color but neon red as well.

So off to the salon I went to get a hair cut. I was honestly scared of it ending up way too short. When I got there and I sat down in the chair I told the lady that I wanted all of the red cut off, but that I didn't want it to be a simple cut off in a straight line and done. She showed me some pictures and we ended up going with a layered look. Now, while yes my hair is still shorter, it isn't crazy short. It's about shoulder length. In total she had to take about 7 inches off of my hair. That is a lot but I actually like how it turned out. I think the fact that she layered it helps. And honestly my hair looks a lot healthier now. Probably because not only did all of the red hair dye get cut off but all the dead ends came off as well. Sometimes you just have to cut it. I prefer having long hair but I have to admit it looks nice the way it is. The only thing that sucked is the woman put curl enhancer in my hair to show me how it would look with my natural curly hair. I didn't really mind at the time.

While yes, I do have naturally curly hair I never allow it to be fully curly. I always brush it out so that it just ends up looking wavy instead. As a result I ended up taking an earlier than normal shower to get that stuff out of my hair and get any tiny hairs off me. Master likes the look. It's something different. It is a lot easier to wash that's for sure.

On a totally unrelated topic Master was kind of poking fun at His sister-in-law. She posted on a social network site that she really wished it was the weekend because she needed to go out and basically get away from her husband (Master's brother), her three kids, and her job. She basically said something along the lines of her not being able to wait to go see 50 Shades of Grey and go out for drinks.

Master found the following image:

He then proceeded to post it and tagged her in it. Afterwards He told me that this is the kind of thing that just makes you want to "come out". Basically coming out from behind the red curtain that hides your kinky self and yell, "That is bullshit! This is what it's really all about! That is just bargain basement spoiled housewife porn!"

And He has a valid point. Neither of us have read the books but we have both heard enough about them and read enough reviews about them to know that it isn't as exciting as people make it out to be. At least not to people who truly live it. It's nothing like how the lifestyle can actually be like. Especially when you take it to the depths that we have. This isn't just kinky sex. It's not just about that. It's about everything. It weaves it's way into everything.

When Master said that I giggled and told Him that He should write a book about our lifestyle and dynamic. While He was in the shower I actually thought of a title. I find it amusing. "50 Shades of Black & Blue".

If Master wrote such a book or book series I'm sure some of the people who are obsessed with the 50 Shades of Grey books would read them and feel utterly horrified. And it would be amazing, amusing, and satisfying all at the same time.

Hurdles

Yesterday was an off day for everyone. It was exactly one week since Grandpa had died as well as the twenty-first anniversary of Grandma's passing. My uncle stopped by for a little while which was surprising. He never really stops by for social visits. He is just not a social person at all. But I think given the day it was he felt the need to be around family and my father isn't very good for emotional support even if someone isn't asking for it directly. My dad doesn't know how to react to such things. I know this from experience. I've attempted to go to my dad for emotional support and I was more upset when I left than when I arrived. One of the worst things to experience, in my opinion, is to seek emotional support from someone and receiving nothing. When my dad is faced with such things he either jokes about it as a way to get around it or just kind of stares at you blankly and says what he thinks you want to hear.

I've gone to him crying before and because he is my dad I wanted him to hug me and give me advice. I gave him a hug and he kind of just half hugged me and stood there. He mumbled some things that were rather generic. Very upsetting. I don't think he does it on purpose. I just don't think he can deal so his two responses are to either get pissed off about it or to just kind of shut down.

Basically right now my father isn't good for anyone who wants emotional support right now. That includes my uncle, his baby brother.

After my uncle left Master and I spent the day just kind of vegging out. We didn't do much. I didn't really feel like doing much and neither did He.

I didn't break down crying or anything but I was very cuddly. Master comforted me, let me hand all over Him while we were watching TV, and generally just tried to make me laugh whenever He could.

Now that this small (huge) hurdle has been passed the rest of it will be easier. Unfortunately I don't know how many more hurdles are left.

Now we basically wait on all the legal shit and see whether or not I'm going to be pissed off at my father. I would like to bring it up but I know that will only piss him off and basically force him to do shit that will piss me off or he'll dig his heels in and drag out the shit that needs to be done. He isn't really the guy I know anymore but there are just certain character traits that don't go away. Those are some of his. 

Best Sleep In Over A Month

Master and I had amazing sex the other night. To be perfectly honest our sex life has been down to almost nothing for a while now. Mainly stress related. But we went back into full swing. I think my being on my period helped, as odd as that may sound. Usually when I'm on my period my sex drive goes through the roof for at least a day or two if not the entire time I'm bleeding.

It started with my putting on a thong. That's it. I don't usually wear underwear. But I decided to put on a thong. Master loves it when I wear them. That's all it took. When I started to get undressed so we could fool around I stripped down to the thong and asked Master if He wanted me to keep them on or take them off. Now granted, they aren't the kind that you can just move to the side. They would have to be taken off eventually in order for us to fuck. But for the time being Master wanted me to wear them.

I got comfortable on the bed and Master hovered over me smirking until suddenly He grabbed both of my wrists and pinned them above my head to the mattress. He immediately started sucking on and biting my tits, driving me crazy. He switched from one to the other and back again. Eventually He knelt up and started slowly pulling my thong off. I lifted my hips up off the bed so He could take them all the way off. He told me to slide up the bed. As soon as I did He was in between my legs running His tongue along my slit and flicking it over my clit. Once He slowly slide His fingers inside me I could feel my orgasm rising. It didn't take long until it peaked.

Afterward I knelt up and He had me stay knelt up in front of Him so He could run His hands across my neck. While He did that I reached down and stated stroking His cock. He gathered up my hair in His hands and once that was done I slid down so that I was laying in front of Him so that I could suck His dick.

I love the sensation of His cock throbbing against my tongue. It is a unique and delicious sensation. I wish my jaw would allow it more frequently.

After a while He pulled me up so that I was on my knees again before using my hair as a handle in order to turn me around so that I was on all fours with my upper body held high given the grip He still had on my hair. He entered me and it was as if we were both immediately on fire. It wasn't slow and it wasn't gentle and we were both loving the hell out of it.

He allowed me several orgasms before He had me kneel up so that He could bunch up a pillow underneath me. He had me lay down on my stomach so that the pillow kept my hips up off of the bed. He pinned me to the bed by keeping one hand on my shoulder and one hand on my lower back. I can not tell you enough how much I love it when He does that. I'm actually slightly disappointed when He decides to just prop Himself up off the bed rather than off of me. As soon as He had me on my stomach with my hips propped up and His legs hooked under mine to keep them apart I knew that I wasn't going to be allowed to get off anymore.

He told me that He was only using me to jerk Himself off and that I was His fuck toy. *purrs*

After He filled me He rolled off of me, I cleaned Him off, and then cleaned myself off. I took my pills and then we curled up so that we could drift off to sleep.

It was the best I have slept in over a month.

Wake

Today was my grandfather's wake. It wasn't until 2pm so I had to just try and keep myself calm until then. I felt like I had a knot in my stomach. A huge heavy knot right in the pit of my stomach. I didn't feel sick or anything, thankfully. Around 1:30pm Master took out the dog while I started the car and brushed it off. Once that was done I got changed. Master had changed His clothes already. Thankfully I had already put on my eye liner and lip gloss.

By then the car was warmed up enough. The only problem was that we had one hell of a time getting out of the driveway. The driveway has a pretty steep incline to it and now that the snow is starting to soften up a little bit it didn't want to let our tires grip. Master did the best He could and eventually we were able to get out of the driveway.

We got there about ten minutes after it started.  I didn't know quite a few people there. It was a lot of my grandpa's neighbors and the people he used to work out with at the heart care center he went to before his health went from bad to horrible. Of course there were also the relatives that I hadn't seen since I was a kid. Master and I stayed until about a hour before the wake was ending. We didn't go to the dinner afterward. In fact a lot of the people weren't going to the dinner. I think it probably surprised my dad and uncle as to how few people actually wanted to go.

I had to go into the room with the casket in it with my brother. He wouldn't go in otherwise. I found that a little odd because his fiance was right there but she seemed to want to keep a pretty good distance from the casket so I think she just wouldn't go in there anyway and my brother didn't want to go up to him by himself.

They did a really good job with Grandpa. I was so worried that he wouldn't look right. But he did. The casket was kind of plain but it was still nice. I think my dad and uncle went with a more simple one because Grandpa is being cremated.

I got a few looks when I said goodbye to Grandpa. I touched his arm and his forehead. I know a lot of people don't do such things. I don't know if it just creeps them out or what. But he was my grandpa. I know he isn't there anymore. I know that it is just his body, but it was still important to me to do that. If that makes other people uncomfortable that is their damage not mine. I got weird looks at my Oma and Opa's funeral too. Same thing. When I was 10 years old and I went to my grandma's wake I actually climbed up on a little step so I could hold her hand and say goodbye.

Plus if I can run my fingers over his hair and tuck him in just seconds after he passed away I can do that. 

I am glad that there was no drama at the wake. I'm also glad that my dad's girlfriend was smart enough to sit down and shut up the entire time. She didn't know Grandpa. Really, the only reason I didn't have a problem with her being there is because I'm assuming Dad brought her with for emotional support. I can't really deny anyone that.

Master has been very patient with me today and has been nothing but supportive this entire time. I love Him. I know He misses Grandpa too. They got along really well and joked around together.

Grandpa was the first person to ever call me Mrs. (our last name). I'm glad it was him.

Scattered Thoughts

My head is all over the place. Sometimes I'm fine and I'm smiling and laughing. Then I just kind of stare off and zone the hell out. Other times I'm just tired and down. I know that part of my being tired isn't because I'm sleeping like shit, waking up at least three hours sooner than I normally do and shoveling a metric fuck ton of snow. Then of course another thing that has been known to make me tired is stress. Not that stress is anything new in my life, because it's not. But I do know that some bad shit in my family may go down if certain things don't go certain ways after the wake. I am in no way looking forward to it. If it goes smoothly I'll honestly be shocked.

The wake is this Friday, which is only two days away. Today I got together the clothes that Master and I will be wearing to it and washed them. The had the obituary in the newspaper today. Something that was written in it rubbed me the wrong way. It goes something along the lines of, "he passed away with his sons at his bedside." This would imply that both of his sons were there. And they weren't. My father stayed home. It rubs me the wrong way because I was there and I know for a fact what happened every minute of that day.

The weather was bad yes it was hard as hell to get there because of our having to dig out the driveway in record time and then drive on streets that were plowed all that well without rushing even though we wanted to get there asap. However, that was part of the excuse my father gave. He couldn't get out. The nurse at the hospital said that they could send a care van to go pick him up. But when my uncle attempted to offer that he didn't answer the phone.

A long while ago my father told me that the next time he would see his father would be in a casket. So while it doesn't surprise me he wasn't there it... upsets me anyway. He allowed his younger brother and two children to endure it but couldn't bring himself to.

But I'm going to let that go for right now. I may throw that at him at a later time depending on things happen and how smoothly they occur. All I know is that I am hoping that everyone behaves themselves at the wake. It would be utterly disrespectful if someone were to start shit. I already promised myself that I will behave regardless and I will either walk away from a situation or say, "Not here. Not now."

They are also having a dinner afterward. I have decided that I am not going. Aside from my immediate family everyone else there will be people who I have not seen since I was a young to mid teenager and are only coming out of a sense of duty. There are really only two people who are coming to town that I want to see. They are my aunt and uncle on my mother's side. They live six hours north of here and they were close to my grandfather because of my father's friendship with my uncle as well as my mother's marriage to my father for so long. I just don't want to deal with a bunch of people going on and on about my grandfather who didn't give a good god damn while he has been ill all of this time. At least not enough to contact anyone and see how he is doing. I'll endure that at the wake for my grandfather's sake. The dinner is not for my grandfather. The dinner is for everyone else. I owe them nothing and I do not wish to be present.

I feel bad for my brother. He couldn't sleep the night it happened. He told me that he couldn't get past the sight of Grandpa passing away in front of his eyes or the sounds he made right before he did. I understand that. He seems okay now but I also haven't really had time to talk to him much since then. He has separated himself a bit and he has been working. I've also been doing as much as possible to stay active which gives my brain less time to focus on what my brother was describing. It honestly doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Believe me it's all burned into my gray matter. But I see it more as my witnessing him passing over and not being in pain or suffering anymore. I don't think that's how my brother looks at it.

For some reason the idea of getting a tattoo went through my head today. It's not really odd for me. When something major happens that is usually a thought that crosses my mind although I don't normally immediately start off with a thought as to what I want.

However this time I had the idea of a tree. Originally I thought of the tree of life and death but I do not like any of the actual images that popped up. It wasn't what I had in mind. However, I did come across two other images of tree tattoo flash that I liked.

I really like the one above but the only thing is that it is honestly also an image on one of my favorite TV shows in one particular episode. As a result, to me it would come off more as a fan girl tattoo.

Then there is this one:

I really like this one. It is simple and it has a heart in the middle. I showed this one to Master on my computer and it was a piece of flash that had four images on it. He liked this one but he liked the one next to it more. While it was interesting I thought it was more masculine than I was looking for. There is something about this one. I look at it and for some reason it feels right. As a result, I have a feeling I'll be going with this one. Not that I have the money or will any time soon. Nor am I entirely sure where I want to put it. I am thinking either on my ribs or on my left forearm. All of my tattoos are in places where I can hide them really easily. My forearm would mean that I would have to wear long sleeve shirts regardless of the season should I get a job that doesn't allowed tattoos to be visible. It's doable. I've always wanted a rib tattoo but this seems too small for one. When I've pictured myself getting a rib tattoo it was bigger. I want that particular tattoo flash the size that it is. As I continue to look at it I am falling in love with the design.

The Wait Is Over

Today was a very, very, very, very long day. I cannot type the word "very" enough. That's how today feels.

Actually it started last night. Sometime after 11pm last night my mother called. The fact that my phone rang at all made me jump. Honestly we were already at my mom's house as we had been down for a visit before the blizzard got back and it just wasn't safe to drive home. However, she called because she didn't want to wake the rest of the house up. Apparently Grandpa's vitals dropped at the nursing home. They couldn't get them to come back up but when they dropped the second time they called the ambulance. We had literally just had a blizzard. In fact the blizzard wasn't even fully over when that call came through. They had said that there was no need for anyone to go because a) it wouldn't be safe for anyone to be out there and as it was the ambulance took 37 minutes to even get to the nursing home let alone getting from there to the hospital and b) they were just going to get him as stable as possible and had the possibility of sending him back to the nursing home.

So of course the rest of the night everyone was on alert. Master and I didn't really sleep. In the morning we all went outside and started shoveling the driveway. (Their driveway is huge.) We were taking small breaks. But then another phone call came in. He was still at the hospital. In fact he was put in ICU and they had already called Grandpa's pastor. Guess what that means? Yep. It's close.

All of a sudden everyone's adrenaline kicked in. And it kicked in hard. Before you knew it the driveway was clear enough to get my mom's car out. My brother was at work. We told him what was up and basically we told him that we would call him once he was gone. He is training to be a manager and he was afraid to call in because of it. I don't blame him. It's a really big deal for him.

We also had two young family members in the house so Master was kind enough to offer to stay there and watch them so that my mother, her husband, and I could go. I love my Husband. He wanted to be there for me but He also knew that someone had to hold the fort down and I appreciated that a lot. It's not that I didn't want Him with me. It was just a fact of the situation.

We met my uncle at the hospital. We got there a little before 11am. My father wasn't there and he wasn't coming. He had made it crystal clear that the next time he saw his father would be when he was in a coffin. He hasn't seen Grandpa since last Memorial Day.

I will say that I am extremely glad that I went to visit Grandpa when I did last week. He recognized me for a little bit during that visit. Today, he barely knew anyone was there.

When we arrived they had already turned off his auto-defibrillator. But they also had him on oxygen. That is against his DNR. So my uncle asked me why he had it on. They basically said they had put it on him shortly after the call from this morning was made in the hopes of keeping him alive at least until we got there. My uncle allowed it to stay on for a little while longer because we were waiting on Grandpa's pastor. At the time we didn't know he had already shown up. Once we knew that my uncle told them to remove the oxygen. They did and they put Grandpa on a morphine drip. A morphine drip that they had to turn up five separate times just so that he wasn't moaning in pain.

We all sat there waiting for him to pass. We figured that with the auto-defibrillator off it wouldn't be long at all. We were wrong. He just laid there with his mouth wide open and his eyes open but only responded at all when a nurse had to move him. He wouldn't really move his eyes around. He didn't talk. In fact I don't think he could talk. All he could do was moan when he was in pain when the morphine wasn't enough and they would have to come in and up it again.

I sent my brother a few texts while we were there to let him know what was going on. He ended up taking off of work one hour early and met us at the hospital. Right before he arrived the nurse came in and asked if we had considered turning off the pace maker. Honestly none of us even knew that was an option. She only brought it up because they honestly thought he would have been gone by now and he was just in more and more pain as the day went on. My uncle asked to speak with the doctor that admitted Grandpa last night. So we waited around and eventually my uncle and the doctor were able to speak. After that conversation my uncle decided it would be best to turn the pacemaker off and allow nature to take it's course.

As a result they brought in a magnet and put it on his chest. That is normally how you turn off a pacemaker. But it didn't work. Why? Because the pacemaker wasn't just a pacemaker. It was a combination of the pacemaker and the auto-defibrillator. While you can turn off each separately it is still one piece.

Then we got to wait around some more. They had to send some kind of technician. That seemed to take forever and a day. When they finally got there they put a sensor over his chest and ran a test. Once that test was done they had to wait for a nurse to come in and sign off for them to turn it off.

Again, that seemed to take forever. The nurse came in and signed off on it. After that we all basically surrounded his bed. I stood next to him and held his hand. I didn't let go once. He flat lined and we thought it was over. But it wasn't. He came back. We were all shocked. Everything was turned off. How is that even possible?! It happened again. We spoke to a nurse and she said that it was completely normal for that to happen after a pacemaker is turned off. Whether that is true or not I have no idea. But that is what happened.

Each time it happened we hoped it was the last. We all continued to tell him that it was okay if he went. We told him that we would all be okay and that Grandma was waiting for him. It wasn't until the third time that it was. I had been holding his hand when he took his last breath. Afterward I let go and I kissed my fingers and then placed those fingers on his forehead. I told him that I loved him and that I was glad he was with Grandma now. He passed away around 7:30pm.

I have never seen someone die before.

Thankfully for him it was peaceful in a way. It was only peaceful in the fact that he took one last breath and then he didn't breathe again. There was no rattle. There was no twitching or anything.

He passed away literally one week before the twenty-first anniversary of Grandma's passing. He has missed her every day since that day. February 9th of 1994. He continuously talked about going to see her every day for the past few years. He passed on February 2nd of 2015.

After everything was done and my uncle said it was okay for us to leave because he was just going to wait for the coroner and then go home. My brother and I rode together and my mother and her husband rode in their car. Before we left I called Master to let Him know that it was over.

I have cried. But I did all of it at the hospital. Since that time I feel... scattered. I would say numb but that's not correct. Just.. scattered. I can't seem to concentrate much. I've been able to make this post because I focus on each key I have to hit in order to type out the words. I have also paused several times to take a small break before going back to it.

Now we just wait to see when the wake will be. I don't even want to begin to think how things will go after that.

I am sore all over. I am literally limping when I walk and I am having a hard time getting up from a sitting position. There was the snow shoveling this morning as well as walking the hospital more times than I care to count. Oh and then there are those chairs they give you to sit in. Those sucked. I know I'm going to be in a lot of pain tomorrow. Hell, I already am.

Guano

Today has flown by. It was boring and nothing really happened at all but it still seemed to have gone by in such a way that every time you looked at the clock you wondered how in the hell it was that late in the day already. For instance right now it is already 8pm. Master even commented on it a little while ago. The only good thing is that I made a little money today by people picking up a couple of orders of paracord.

The shitty thing is that starting late tonight and into early Monday there is supposed to be a fuck ton of snow. At first they were talking about a few inches. But as with all shit regarding weather men their estimates and time frames have been all over the board since then. Now they are saying six to eleven inches. That is a huge window right there. But I know it'll either be that we barely get anything at all, that the storm either hits early or late, or we get a lot more than they said. It's never exactly what they said it would be. Ever.

Master and I have both been blah and just kind of irritable today. I think it may be at least partially due to the weather that is moving in. That may sound stupid but... *shrugs* It has happened before. Especially before a lightning storm. But it has happened before snow or heavy rain.

Nothing has really been going on.

More bullshit with my family. His mother still isn't talking to us. Grandpa is still alive. I still don't have a job.

Hmmm...

Yep. That pretty much sums it up.

Life is just kind of stagnant. It sucks ass but I can't let it get me down too much. If I did I'd go guano.

I would hate to know what I would be like without my medication right now. I'd probably me a puddle of anxiety, depression, and self loathing curled up in the fetal position in a dark corner somewhere.

When I wasn't medicated I could handle things. I mean I would pull away and all that shit. But I could handle things, usually. It wasn't always pretty but I got through it. But with all of this shit going on at one time for a very extended length of time... Yeah.... Not so much.

I'm not always happy go lucky. I am down sometimes yes, but I'm not depressed. Basically at this point if I'm not depressed I'm chalking it up to a win.

I know for a fact there are people out there who aren't bipolar that would have broken in the same situation I'm in right now. I don't know if that says anything, but it's a thought that entered my head.

And no, I'm not putting on a brave face. I know better than that. I know Master would be absolutely livid with me if I tried to hide the fact that I am depressed. But I'm not. Down? Yes sometimes I am. But depressed? No. That's an entirely different animal. Anyone who has ever actually been deeply depressed will tell you the same thing.

I'm glad I'm medicated. Not only because of how it effects myself but also because of how my not being medicated has effected people around me in the past. I say that because when I wasn't medicated I didn't always realize how far out I actually was. I thought I was perfectly normal. I thought nothing was wrong at all. I honestly believed that I was being totally rational. It sucks looking back and actually realizing how bad I was. Not all the time. But enough of it.

Damn Sinuses

I have felt like shit all fucking day. I was fine when I went to bed last night. In fact I was great because I had just gotten laid and had cuddled up to Master in order to go to sleep.

But then this morning I half woke up just enough to realize that my left side was getting stiff so I should probably readjust myself before I drift back off to sleep. But as soon as I did I woke up all the way because my head felt like it had filled itself with snot. I got out of bed and I think I blew my nose about five times before it even began to start feeling better. I took a benadryl and then went back to sleep. It must have knocked me the fuck out though because I didn't wake up again until 11:30am. That is super late. But when I got up Master was still asleep as well. Apparently He had much the same problem I did.

But His sinuses cleared up more than mine did through out the day. Mine had continued to kick my ass even after a second benadryl. I almost never take those because they make me so tired but I would rather be tired than not being able to breathe.

Since I hardly ever take them and I had taken two in less than a twelve hour period it knocked me out and I ended up taking a nap for about an hour and a half. The shitty thing is that I still can't breathe completely out of one nostril and I'm still tried.

I can't catch a break today apparently.

However on a good note I have been getting orders for my paracord. *smiles* They are all local. I did create a website in an attempt to sell them online. But so far nothing. Oh well. At least I'm trying to expand it and if it kicks off it does and I'll be happy about it. If it doesn't? *shrugs* I'll still keep it up to date though, just in case someone stumbles upon it and wants to place an order. No one wants to order from a site that hasn't been updated recently.

I'm also starting to wonder if I should list them on craigslist. I won't do it on ebay. Basically aside from the social network site I'm on I'm looking for other ways to sell, even if it involves shipping. I've been brainstorming but so far the website I made is all I've come up with. I'm sure I'll think of something else. I already made a separate e-mail account for it.

Grandpa

I did something today that I honestly didn't think I would do again. My grandfather has been in a nursing home for quite some time now. In fact he hasn't gone back home since, if I remember right, March of 2014? Almost a year now.

I was visiting him regularly when he was in the hospital, when he was in rehabilitation in the hopes that he could build up some strength, and in the early parts when he was in the nursing home. But once his dementia started to get a lot worse I didn't feel like I could handle it anymore. I stopped going. I was constantly getting updates from my mother and my uncle. All of the news was heart breaking. I think that only furthered my dread of going again.

But today when my mother told me that she was going for the first time in three weeks (she has been pretty sick) for some reason I decided that I wanted to go too. My mother was surprised. Master was surprised. And to be honest I surprised myself.

I think part of why I wanted to go is because I have been so mad at my father for not going and basically not really wanting updates. He has told everyone time and again that the next time he was going to see his father, my grandfather, it would be when he was in a coffin.

I had justified it in my head that that is his father. I'm still technically the child here. I am almost 32 years old, but at the same time I felt/feel that he has more of a responsibility and I guess requirement.

But when I heard my mom say that she was going again that all ran through my head. I don't want the next time I saw my grandfather to be in a coffin. Not when I haven't seen him in so very long. I cried before I left. I was scared.

When we got there though I was fine. Okay I wasn't fine but I wasn't a mess either. I didn't cry. I smiled and talked with him. Honestly I was surprised he was up to talking. He doesn't talk a lot anymore. I had to tell him who I was several times before he recognized me, but honestly I wasn't expecting him to recognize me at all.

He had lunch while we were there. He didn't each much. He had a very, very small glass of chocolate milk that they put vitamins in. He ate chocolate pudding that also has vitamins in it. But he didn't really touch anything else. In fact he ate more imaginary food than anything.

He talked about how his doctor won't let him drive his car or mow his lawn anymore. He told me that he couldn't find his parachute and that the cords were all tangled up. (No idea. He has never been parachuting in his life.) I was very careful in how I answered his questions and I was also very careful not to offer too much assistance. He was struggling a lot with simple things and my first instinct was to help him. But I know that doing such would make him very angry. So I only offered help when it was absolutely necessary. Thankfully he didn't take my head off for it. In fact he was really nice about it.

My mother and I stayed for about a hour and a half. When we were getting ready to leave he was getting tired. I asked if I could give him a hug. He smiled and said my first name and then said, "That's my girl."

He gave me a very light hug. I tried very hard not to put any pressure into it. He is so, so skinny. His shoulder blades are literally jutting out and you can see that even though he has a thick flannel shirt on with a shirt on underneath.

I know that I caught him on a good day. In fact from all of the updates I have received I caught him on an insanely good day, even with the hallucinations. I had prepared myself for so much worse, which is why I was scared before I went.

Is that going to be my last visit? Probably not. Was it really difficult to sit there and hear him talk like that and watch him struggle with the tiniest things? Hell yes. But I am glad that I went. Am I expecting it to be that good next time? Hell no.

Lick It

Two nights ago Master and I did something that we haven't done in I can't tell you how long. Honestly I don't remember the last time it happened. And it wasn't really planned. In fact it started off as something completely different.

I wanted to give Him a blowjob. He wasn't about to turn that down. So I slid in between His legs after He sat up and propped up His back so that He was comfortable and started orally worshiping His cock. Shortly after I started my jaw started to bother me. I have TMJ. I tried to do everything I could think of it get it to relax so I could continue. I stretched my jaw a bit wider, I stopped moving and just held His cock in my mouth while moving my tongue, I even pulled back a few times so I could move my jaw side to side a bit. At one point I had to stop and pull His cock out of my mouth so that I could move my jaw around more.

I continued to stroke His cock and after a few moments I went back to it. My jaw got worse. So I pulled His cock out of my mouth again, turned my head to the side, and started working my jaw in an attempt to get it to pop. No such luck.

Master knew I was having problems. He simply asked if it was because of my jaw. I said yes. I promised Him that I wasn't "trying to get out of it". He said He understood and said we could just fuck. I pouted because I really wanted a shot in the mouth. So I asked if we could fuck until He was close to cumming and then I would go back to sucking His dick.

He didn't really say anything. Instead He just reached down, while I was laying there between His legs, and started stroking His dick. I gently placed my mouth around the head of His dick while He stroked the shaft.

After a little while I could tell that He wasn't able to go any faster with His hand because He would end up basically punching me in the jaw. *laughs* So I moved back a little and just stuck my tongue out so that the head of His dick, while He was stroking it, moved across my tongue. This way He was able to do His thing without worrying about me and I could still apply pressure and saliva. I mainly held my tongue still but I would, from time to time, move my tongue around. I would flick the tip of my tongue across the underside of His cock just below the head. I would swirl my tongue around the head of His dick. But mainly I just held my tongue out and applied as much pressure as I could.

It was an interesting sensation. He seemed to be enjoying it greatly. As soon as I knew He was just about ready to cum I waited until His hand had moved further towards the base of His cock and then took my mouth and basically swallowed half of His dick while swirling my tongue around it. I think that must have triggered it because I barely blinked by the time His load started to go down my throat.

As we were ready to curl up to go to bed I was wound up. I was horny as hell. I told Master as much. He chuckled and said, "Well I guess you'll just have to wait because I'm going to sleep." I smirked and cuddled up close to Him. I drifted off to sleep shortly there after.

Lip Service

Master had a talk with me last night. He told me that our dynamic has fallen to the way side. He told me that basically all I am doing is playing lip service to my station. He told me that He understands that I am under a fuck ton of stress due to family shit alone. Then you add the other shit that is going on on top of that and it just makes it worse. He wasn't loud or angry. He was extremely calm while telling me all of this.

I did not get upset. By that I mean I didn't break down crying or start yelling. I knew that He wasn't saying it to hurt me or anything along those lines. And I have to agree with Him. I'm in no way, shape, or form doing it on purpose. I'm not wanting to back out of the dynamic like I have said I wanted to in the past before I was medicated.

I also knew He was right.

While it was happening I didn't see it that way. Or I should say that I didn't really realize how far off the path it had gone. He hadn't brought it up sooner because of everything else going on and not wanting to stress me out further.

I really appreciate that, I truly do. I also appreciate that He is being so understanding. However, I did tell Him that I am glad He brought it up and that our relationship and dynamic are not part of the cluster fuck of things that are actually stressing me the hell out.

I'm glad that He brought it up.

I have been feeling down lately. Not because I need to up my meds or anything, but because everything seems to be closing in and becoming closer to being a reality. As soon as my grandfather is at peace the reality of what is actually going to happen with my father and the rest of the family is going to hit full force. It's not going to be slow. In fact I have a feeling that it will happen right after the wake, if not before.

But none of this excuses the way I have allowed things to slip on my end. I'm sure some of it is to be expected. I'm not perfect. And I'm not saying He expects me to be perfect. After all He has waited this long to bring it up to me. He has been patient.

I've just had my mind locked onto everything else so closely that I didn't realize what I was not paying enough attention to.

I'm going to try to refocus. It's not easy and He understands that. But I can try harder than I have been that's for sure. It'll also probably help me relax a bit rather than being so wound up all the time waiting for that final shoe to drop.

Family

This is going to be one of those posts about family that has a good side and a bad side. First I'll post the bad side.

Fair warning: This part is going to be heavy on the medical shit. Somehow, someway my grandfather is still breathing. He has been through so much and he is going through even more now. And honestly yesterday he went through things that in my opinion were unnecessary. He is in pain constantly. He has fallen down more times than I can count because in his head he thinks he can do everything. Three of those times he has needed staples in his head. The list continues on and on and on. Since he isn't in his right mind, meaning he doesn't realize that he can't do a lot of things and tries to do them anyway and hallucinates a good amount of the time, he lies to doctors. Thankfully my uncle, Grandpa's son, goes with him to doctor appointments to correct things.

Okay.. anyway.. yesterday my grandpa was put through one hell of a procedure.

*This is where the medical jargon begins. Kinda graphic.*

My father and uncle (Grandpa's sons) decided that Grandpa needed to get another couple of tests done. Why? Because they wanted to see if he qualified for hospice. At the time I didn't understand why it mattered. He's already in a nursing home. But I thought that maybe the nursing home was requesting the tests to be done.

So, the procedure was two fold. They wanted to do a biopsy of his lung and to drain some of the fluid that are filling his lungs. They had been saying it was congestive heart failure. Because of that diagnosis it made me wonder even more why they were bothering with this.

Anyway, Grandpa was lying to the doctors about how he has been breathing and eating and what not. He was also telling them about dogs and cats that live in his room (there are no animals) and other things he hallucinates. As they did the procedure he had to be awake. He says that he felt everything and he was confused and scared. They took a needle in through his back and did the biopsy as well as draining the fluid from his lungs.

They apparently only drained one of his lungs and even then it wasn't even half way because his lung started to collapse so they had to stop. As soon as they did the fluid levels didn't take long to get back to where they were when they started the procedure. The test results should be available this Friday.

After receiving all of this info I was still sitting here wondering why the hell they made him go through all of that. He is dying. There is literally nothing they can do for him aside from give him pain killers and he's refusing those. He has a DNR. But then the truth came out. My dad and uncle decided that they wanted the tests done to prove that he qualified for hospice. Why? Because it will allow some insurance to take over and ease the "financial burden". Never mind they sold Grandpa's house and cashed in at least one of his retirement accounts to pay for all of this. They have the money to pay for it. And since my father is the financial POA I have a feeling he was the pushing for it so he didn't have to pay that high bill every month and therefore more money would be available for him.

I feel that they basically tortured the poor old man just to save some money. I am so confused by how to feel about my father lately that I don't know up from down on that particular subject.

Now on to the good!

We had lunch with Master's dad today. It was a really good time. We sat and talked for about two hours before his dad had to head home. I always look forward to seeing him. We always have fun and joke around. We also catch up on what Master's two youngest sisters are up to. They are always so busy! They are both under 18 and they have so many different things going on all year long. If it's not school it's one of the many things they do. Girl Scouts, choir, rock climbing, etc. and so on. In fact Master's second youngest sister is going to Germany this summer. Master seemed to be in a much better mood since seeing his dad. *smiles* Hopefully we'll catch up with him again soon. His schedule is also crazy because of the activities his two youngest are in. 

Porn Night

The other night Master and I decided that we were going to do something that we haven't done in a very, very long time. The reason we haven't done it in so long is because we didn't have a TV in our bedroom for quite a while. When our main TV died we took the one out of the bedroom and put it in the living room since it was the same size. That must have been.. oh hell... I don't know. About six or seven years ago? Anyway, since we moved we now have a TV in our bedroom again.

Yeah I know. What the fuck am I talking about.

We got undressed, threw back the covers on the bed and curled up to one another. After that we watched porn and just cuddled while watching it until we both started getting a bit frisky. We left the porno on while we fucked.

I'll admit that once we started fucking I didn't watch the porno anymore. It didn't bother me or anything, it's just that the way my hair was in my face and the fact that Master had me moving around and what not I just didn't pay attention anymore. Whether or not Master continued to watch I have no idea.

I'm just glad that we did something different. Something out of the norm. It was also the first time we watched porn since we moved back in September. There has just been way too much going on so when we fuck we pretty much just got down to business. Granted we didn't really watch a lot of the porno itself. I think we got about half way through the second scene before we started fucking. I'm not sure what part it was on by the time we were done because, like I said, I wasn't watching it anymore. *laughs*

We also hadn't really cuddled like that in a really long time either. I love cuddling. Yes, we curl up when we go to sleep but that's completely different. Well, it is to me anyway.  Whether it is to Him I have no idea.

I know that He enjoys cuddling, it's just that we don't do it all that often when we aren't about to go to sleep. I'm not complaining. It's not like I get mad about it. There just isn't a lot of opportunity to do so.

Music

This post is going to basically be about random things so don't mind me if it seems all over the place and about subjects that have absolutely nothing to do with one another.

I haven't been able to stop running my hands over His freshly cut hair. I'm sure eventually I'll get used to it and stop. Well, maybe not. *shrugs* Although I didn't do it while He was eating me out the other night or while we were fucking. No real reason. I just didn't.

Have you ever heard a song that makes you think of your significant other? Most people have. I have plenty of those kind of songs. Now, have you ever heard a song that made you think of the dynamic you're in? I have some of those too. My most recent one is by Avenged Sevenfold. It's called "Scream". When Master first started buying their CDs I was always asking if it had that song on it. I had heard it on the radio and played it on YouTube repeatedly. Apparently I had heard the song before Master did even though it is a band He has recently gotten into. Now He seems to think about the song the same way I do. It may not be for the sames reasons but all I can say for sure is that now when it comes on He cranks it up to the point where the bass is shaking the side mirrors. I love it when that happens. I like a lot of bass in my music. If you have ever heard the song maybe you know what I'm talking about. If not, listen to it and see if you agree. I don't know if the M/s or BDSM lifestyle undertones were intentional? Hell, I don't even know if I'm the only one making that correlation.


Since I started making that website for my paracord items I've been surfing through templates since I ended up making it on a blog rather than a free website host. While doing it I saw quite a few that I thought looked pretty kick ass for my actual blog. I'm proud of what I've made for this but at the same time I get that itch every now and then to change it. This one is rather simplistic as well. I sometimes like it a bit more.... complicated? Involved? Interesting? *shrugs* I'm not sure what the right word is.

I know that Master doesn't really give a shit. And I could just be thinking about it for no reason. There have been plenty of times where I thought I wanted to change it to something else and then when I did I ended up changing it back immediately. That's why eventually I just made a test blog so I didn't have to keep fucking with my actual blog.

I also get this way about my blog when I'm bored. And I have been. So maybe. Who knows. It's entirely possible. It's also entirely possible that I'll scrap the idea entirely and leave it how it is. I sometimes wonder if people who read here get annoyed when I change the theme of my blog. I mean it's obviously the same blog and it has all the same content but the look of it changes. But as long as I like it and Master doesn't mind it's not that big of a deal.

His Hair

We've been together for almost twelve years now. It'll be twelve years in March. It's weird to even realize that honestly. Some days it feels like a lot longer than that, in a good way, and other days it feels like there is no way we have been together that long, again in a good way.

But anyway, within that amount of time Master has done a lot with His hair. Well, His hair length anyway. When I first met Him He had hair so long that it was damn near down to His ass. He has beautiful hair. He really does. He has the kind of hair that women are jealous of. *laughs*  Honestly when we first met that was one of the things that attracted me to Him.

He kept His hair that long for about two years. He told me that it had taken a long time to grow it that long. But about two years into our relationship He shaved His head bald. Completely bald. He looked hot. He was bald when we got married, which was about two years after that. I don't quite remember when but eventually He decided to grow it out again. Not as long but He grew it out.

He had more of a traditional guy's hair cut for a while. I didn't really care for it. It's not that it made Him look bad, because it didn't, but it didn't fit. Ya know? It just didn't look like Him.

After that He went to a do it yourself buzz cut. All He did was buy a pair of clippers, slapped a guard on it, and voila! He had that for a very long time. And it looked awesome.

Sometime over the past couple of year or two He decided to try and grow it back out again. He said that He wanted it back to where it was as long as it was when we first met. Up until today He had it just past His shoulders.

For the past few weeks He has been contemplating cutting it again. Why? He said He was tired of it always getting in His face, waking up with His own hair in His mouth, and all the snarls. I was honestly a bit surprised since He had been so adamant about growing it back out. It's not like I was going to be upset either way, I was just surprised.

Today we are sitting there watching TV where out of nowhere Master looks at me and asks where His clippers are. Apparently He had made up His mind and it was going to happen right now. So I went and dug around until I found them. He took off His shirt, plugged it in, and just went to town with it. Eventually I asked if He wanted me to at least cut the hair down to a length where it would stop clogging the clippers. He allowed it. I was just extra careful to make sure I didn't cut it too short because then it wouldn't be even with the rest of His hair.

I didn't really have to worry about that part because He went really, really, super short. I love the look on Him. I helped Him with the clippers towards the end.

It's a little weird to me though. Not His hair. But the fact that I always love it once He's done it. I was excited when He told me He was going to grow out His hair again but when He told me He was shaving it all off today I was also excited.

I've never told Him not to do anything regarding His hair. Not only because of the dynamic but because I always think He looks good. This time is no different. Hell I couldn't help but run my hands over His head. He joked with me about how I always do that when His hair is short. And when He has long hair I can't stop messing with it.

When His hair is long I love brushing it, running my fingers through it, and braiding it. When He was bald I couldn't stop just rubbing my hands against His bald head. And when it is short I keep running my hands over it.

He also pointed out that when He is eating me out and His hair is short I run my hands over His head a lot more than I do when His hair is long. I told Him that's because I don't want to accidentally pull His hair and ruin anything. *laughs*

I guess this just comes down to my finding Him attractive no matter what hair style He has.

Thoughts & Ideas

Have you ever had sex where you start to feel like you're going to fall off the bed but you don't say anything because it feels amazing and also, you know that you aren't actually going to fall off the bed? I did a couple of nights ago. It has happened in the past. Our bed isn't pushed up against anything. At our old place my side of the bed was pushed up against the wall. Where we are now though, it's not.

So the other night Master and I are fucking and at one point both of my feet got tangled up in the sheet and comforter, which was actually kind of amusing because I knew that if I tried to just yank them out I would end up either kneeing Master in the stomach or kicking Him. Either way it wasn't a good thing. But Master was attempting to move my legs so finally I just said, "Master... the blanket..."

He chuckled and unwrapped both of my feet before continuing to move my legs to where He wanted them.

A few orgasms later and Master had me laying on my stomach with one leg straight back underneath Him and my other leg bent at the knee with His knee pushing at the back of mine. We were very, very close to the edge of the bed. Well, not all of us but both of our knees and my one hand were. He scooted me back once but as we continued our knees became very close to the edge of the bed once more. I didn't care because I knew I wasn't going to fall and apparently He didn't care either because He kept going.

The sex was amazing, don't get me wrong, but it is always kind of amusing to look back on that kind of stuff.

In other, non-kink related news....

I was discussing my paracord with Master and I wanted to know what He thought about me trying to sell them online. I would take custom orders through a website I made and would charge my normal rate along with shipping. I have only been selling them locally and while it is going well, it still isn't much of an income. I figured that maybe if I offered shipping I would make more. What I have been doing, since it is local, is meeting up with people in person.

Master thought it was a pretty cool idea. There is no telling if it will actually take off or not but hey, it's worth a shot. It's not going to cost me any money to at least try. After all, it wouldn't be a typical eCommerce site because everything I make is a custom order. It would just be a form they would fill out and it would shoot me an e-mail with it.

I started to build a website last night for it but ended up hating the service it was under, so I deleted it. I made another one today but again I didn't like the service it was under so I deleted that one as well. As a result, I think I'm just going to make one on Blogger and call it done. Like I said, it doesn't have to be an eCommerce site so where I put it doesn't really matter. The problem is getting it to where I'm happy with it. *sigh* Oh well. It gives me something to do in addition to making the paracord items that people order from me locally.

Dumb Bitch

Not a lot has been on my mind that is anything new. The usual stresses. The usual bullshit.

The only thing new is that I have a feeling I'm really not going to like my future sister-in-law once my brother and her are married. I don't like her now. But I have a sneaking suspicion that if she feels as freely as she does to talk the way she does now, that it is only going to get worse when they are married.

They have been together for three years and have been engaged for a little while now. They haven't set a date or anything but hey.. who knows.. maybe one or both of them will break it off before that point.

Long story short I was outside having a cigarette and I heard her talking to my brother as they were walking out to the car. She was talking shit about my mother. Shit she doesn't have the guts to say to anyone but my brother. I ended up telling my mother about it. I wasn't eaves dropping. It's not my problem if she didn't see me standing outside and decided to talk that loudly.

I suppose I could have said something but I decided not to in case she wanted to say anything that I'd be able to hear. There wasn't but I felt that I should tell my mom anyway. I told Master first and asked His thoughts and He agreed that I should tell my mother. So now she knows.

*sigh* Master has asked me before if I would go to their wedding. I keep flip flopping about it. He is my baby brother. I love him. And usually he can be a pretty cool guy. But he has one hell of a temper on him and I don't always agree with how he handles shit. But then again who does agree with everything?

Really though my brother would be the only reason I would be going. And even then I'm leaning more towards just going to the reception. I don't even know why I'm bothering trying to figure it out right now since it will probably be a year or more before they get hitched and by then a ton of shit could change.

I guess I'm just of the opinion that you can vent all you like but if you have something to say to someone you say it to their face. You don't try to manipulate other people into saying it for you, and by the sounds of the conversation I caught that is exactly what she was doing. And you know why she was bitching? Because it was an inconvenience to her. To me this only goes to show how their marriage will/would go. Anything that makes her get off her fat ass is going to make my brother's life a living hell. But hey, that's his problem.

And this is just one of the reasons why when I hear her name the first words that come to mind are dumb bitch.

Check the Simple Shit

Well, I felt like a fucking idiot today. Before I get into why I just wanted to say that I did end up going to a doctor about my not really getting my period in December. They checked and nothing seemed unusual and basically since I have been fixed for so long there is damn near no chance that I would get pregnant. They did a pap smear though because I hadn't had one in a while and I had pre-cancerous cells in the past that needed to be treated. They said they would have the results in about a week. They told me to contact them if I hadn't had my period by February 1st. Sure as hell, I got it today. Nothing overly heavy yet but it's there. They did tell me that my periods may get a bit more irregular now that I'm in my 30's. *shrugs* I guess I'll just have to not freak out if it happens again unless something seems really wrong.

Okay, now back to why I felt stupid...

Our car wouldn't start yesterday. I had actually hopped in the car to go to the doctor and tried starting her. She tried, but wouldn't crank over. Fucking hell. I ended up getting a ride there and back. I thought that maybe it was just too cold and that is why she didn't want to crank over. But after talking with some family members that deal with a lot of cars. They told me that it was most likely my starter because my battery was only a year old. I went out there again today and again she wouldn't turn over.

So we had the car towed to our new mechanic. I say new because we had moved back in September and we are about a hour away from our old mechanic. They told me that it most likely wouldn't be fixed until Monday because they would have to order the part. (It did end up being the starter.) I said that would be no problem. But lo and behold about five hours later they call me and they said that they were able to find the part locally and had it fixed. They also did an oil change on her. Awesome sauce.

So I get a ride there to pick her up and by that time it's just starting to get dark out. I didn't really have to turn the headlights on until about half way home. When I did I noticed that the headlights turned on but the dashboard didn't light up. What the fuck?

I get home and park the car and I start messing with it to see if I could figure out why. Nope. Fuck. I called the mechanic and they told me to drive her right back and they'll look at it.

When I show up they have Master and I pull the car into the service bay and they couldn't figure it out either. So they brought over someone else over. Apparently, it was because one of the rear doors were open. Never mind no lights came on to say that one of the doors were ajar. Hell, the interior lights even turned off. What the hell.

Basically it was one of those check the simple shit first stupid situations. Neither Master or myself could figure it out and neither could two other people at the mechanics. Why? Because we were all focused on just the dashboard. Well, that and you wouldn't think that a door would cause that especially when there are absolutely no other signs that a damn door is open. *sigh*

Oh well, at least she's fixed now.