Guano

Today has flown by. It was boring and nothing really happened at all but it still seemed to have gone by in such a way that every time you looked at the clock you wondered how in the hell it was that late in the day already. For instance right now it is already 8pm. Master even commented on it a little while ago. The only good thing is that I made a little money today by people picking up a couple of orders of paracord.

The shitty thing is that starting late tonight and into early Monday there is supposed to be a fuck ton of snow. At first they were talking about a few inches. But as with all shit regarding weather men their estimates and time frames have been all over the board since then. Now they are saying six to eleven inches. That is a huge window right there. But I know it'll either be that we barely get anything at all, that the storm either hits early or late, or we get a lot more than they said. It's never exactly what they said it would be. Ever.

Master and I have both been blah and just kind of irritable today. I think it may be at least partially due to the weather that is moving in. That may sound stupid but... *shrugs* It has happened before. Especially before a lightning storm. But it has happened before snow or heavy rain.

Nothing has really been going on.

More bullshit with my family. His mother still isn't talking to us. Grandpa is still alive. I still don't have a job.

Hmmm...

Yep. That pretty much sums it up.

Life is just kind of stagnant. It sucks ass but I can't let it get me down too much. If I did I'd go guano.

I would hate to know what I would be like without my medication right now. I'd probably me a puddle of anxiety, depression, and self loathing curled up in the fetal position in a dark corner somewhere.

When I wasn't medicated I could handle things. I mean I would pull away and all that shit. But I could handle things, usually. It wasn't always pretty but I got through it. But with all of this shit going on at one time for a very extended length of time... Yeah.... Not so much.

I'm not always happy go lucky. I am down sometimes yes, but I'm not depressed. Basically at this point if I'm not depressed I'm chalking it up to a win.

I know for a fact there are people out there who aren't bipolar that would have broken in the same situation I'm in right now. I don't know if that says anything, but it's a thought that entered my head.

And no, I'm not putting on a brave face. I know better than that. I know Master would be absolutely livid with me if I tried to hide the fact that I am depressed. But I'm not. Down? Yes sometimes I am. But depressed? No. That's an entirely different animal. Anyone who has ever actually been deeply depressed will tell you the same thing.

I'm glad I'm medicated. Not only because of how it effects myself but also because of how my not being medicated has effected people around me in the past. I say that because when I wasn't medicated I didn't always realize how far out I actually was. I thought I was perfectly normal. I thought nothing was wrong at all. I honestly believed that I was being totally rational. It sucks looking back and actually realizing how bad I was. Not all the time. But enough of it.