Bed -vs- Couch

 Lately I have been having a really hard time sleeping. And the fucked up thing is it's not always just one part of the whole sleeping process. Sometimes I have a really hard time falling asleep, other times I'll pass out right away and wake up on and off all night. Then there are the times where both happen. There have been several times this past month where I have basically just given up and came out to the living room to sleep on the couch simply so I don't keep tossing and turning and keeping Master up. A couple of those times it was because I couldn't breathe through my nose and needed my head to be propped up more. It really sucks regardless of the reason though.

When most people hear that one of the spouses are sleeping on the couch instead of in bed next to their loved one the immediate thought is that there is trouble in paradise. But that is not the case here. Not at all.

And I know that Master isn't really pleased with my sleeping on the couch. He knows it's not because of anything within our relationship. It's just stress, restlessness, pain, and/or allergies. And it all seems to be coming one after another after another.

I'm not making excuses to sleep on the couch, trust me. We both love sleeping next to one another and we always sleep better when the other one is in bed next to us. Hell, there have been times in the past where Master was going to be up really late and so rather than go to bed alone I asked if I could sleep on the couch until He went to bed. He didn't always allow it but I only wanted it because He wasn't going to be in bed with me.

But here it is almost 4am and I'm still awake. Master went off to bed not that long ago. I just didn't want a repeat of last night. Last night I went to bed when Master did, which was about 3am. But I didn't fall asleep until 5:30am. I just couldn't get comfortable. I would try to lay still in one position and attempt to force myself to sleep but it wouldn't work. So I started tossing and turning for that entire time. I was worried about keeping Master up and almost considered sleeping on the couch so I wouldn't wake Him. But my mind turned to His disappointment the last time and so I stayed in bed. I only got about four hours of sleep and even that was broken. I had a really long day today and so I ended up taking about an hour nap on the couch this evening. I don't know if that has to do anything with my not being tired right now. But I really needed that nap. I had taken my bath right before hand and had soaked for a while. I actually felt like I was going to nod off right there in the tub, so I thought napping on the couch would be better. Less of a risk of drowning and all that.

Master has been incredibly understanding. My brain has been mush most of the month. There are just a lot of things going on and nothing to really do about any of it. When I'm stressed out my body gets wired to the point of it driving me nuts and then the next thing I know I'm crashing and nod off. Or stress will make me feel tired all damn day but then when it comes time for me to actually sleep I'm suddenly wide awake. Thank you very much body. It also doesn't help that my fibromyalgia kicks into high gear when I'm stressed which can also make it difficult to sleep sometimes. It also doesn't help that my period started today and the first day or two are always the worst which isn't exactly helping. Mood wise I think I'm fine, but it is not doing my lower back any favors.

I'm just.. tired of being tired I guess. I want at least one night where I go to bed when Master does and I fall asleep easily and stay asleep all night. I think I'm pushing my luck on that hope though. I don't want to sleep on the couch because of this. I want to sleep a full normal night next to my Husband in our bed.

I told Master that I might go soak in the tub again tonight before I come to bed. Maybe the hot water will make me sleepy and I'll be able to pass out quickly once I climb into bed next to Him. I haven't made up my mind on that yet though.

Blah

I was reading over some of my posts before I went back to bed last night and I have just been flooding this thing with family drama and stress. Ugh. I just don't want to talk about it anymore really. I don't want to focus on it today. I really don't.

So... as I kinda said in my last post, Master's pet project was approved and He "launched" it on Saturday. He was so excited and it and so was I. I was more than happy to help Him make the couple of changes that needed to be done and we worked on it a little bit more yesterday. Now that His project is up and running and I finally have settled on a background for my blog and don't even feel the desire to look at other ones I don't have any coding to do or messing around with any sites what so ever. And I'm okay with that. I don't feel the itch for it that I did. In fact, that's how I know I love the background I have. I don't feel the need to hunt for a new one just to see if I can possibly find a better one. Master is grooving on it too.

Master said on Saturday that because I worked hard on His pet project that I have earned a reward. He asked me what I wanted. I asked for a full body massage. *smiles* He said He would do it soon. I know He's sore too because of how the weather has been and all the stress that is going on.

I finished reading the book I had been reading over the past couple of weeks. So I'll have to decide on a different one now. We still have one book that I never finished reading, which is odd because it's a Stephen King book and I typically love the books he writes. Maybe I'll start reading that one next. I don't know. Maybe I'll just take a break from reading since I can't really decide on one.

Master asked me why I was doing another blog post and I said I didn't really know. I use this blog to vent sometimes and sometimes it's because I have to. Other times it's just to kill time. *shrugs* I know I don't really have much to say right now but that doesn't stop me from rambling on for no good reason.

I wish we could sit outside for a while today or maybe go for a walk but it's been raining outside on and off since last night. As a result we can't really sit outside because the patio chairs are absolutely soaked. And taking a walk means that the freshly washed mutt is most likely going to get muddy.

It seems like ever since I lost my job the weather, whether it be the temperature or rain or snow, has been stopping us from sitting out or going for a walk. We've sat outside maybe four times and each time it was short lived because it started to cool off rather rapidly and we've gone on one walk and it was windy as hell on our way back home. And all this week it's supposed to be raining on and off. I love the rain and storms, don't get me wrong, but it's not really helping us get outside and out of the apartment.

Shock to the System

I couldn't sleep when Master and I went to bed so I figured I'd hop on here and do a small post. The meeting happened today and I have to say it didn't go anything like I thought it would. When my dad and uncle first contacted everyone to schedule it, they made it seem rather important and since they wouldn't tell anyone exactly what it was about it had everyone wondering about it and working ourselves up about it.

But we get there and all it was about was offering everyone to take some groceries with them since Grandpa won't be coming home and they don't want it going to waste and to try and set up some kind of visitor schedule so that Grandpa doesn't get bombarded with a bunch of visitors at one time. I actually felt relieved at first because I was glad it had nothing to do with the will or anything horrible. I knew if it was about the will it would get ugly.

Well, it got kind of ugly anyway. As my dad and uncle were telling us exactly what it was about my mother said, "That's it?" And well.. it was all down hill from there. It was like a match was set to kerosine and my mother and father ended up getting into a verbal fight. My dad called her a bitch and my mom called him an asshole. She said she was leaving, he told her to leave. It just wasn't pretty. And my brother, my Husband, and myself just sat there. There just wasn't any way to get a word in edge wise and I felt that it was pretty even since they had both swore at one another. It also seemed somewhat short lived since Mom did end up leaving.

Well, once she left we did out best to just not bring it up again. My dad ranted a bit but after that he calmed down we went back to the original conversation. My uncle wanted a cigarette so my dad, my Husband, and my uncle went into the garage to smoke and I asked my brother if we could talk alone. So we did. I asked him what he thought and he said he wasn't too surprised it happened and honestly I kind of was because I was only expecting it to happen if the will was brought up. But it all happened so fast that it was a shock to the system.

After my brother left I told Dad that I think everyone could have handled that a lot better. I don't think either of them had to react that way. But then again they can't really be in the same room without barbing each other. The divorce wasn't pretty and towards the end of their marriage they were fighting a lot.

I called Mom once I got home to see if she was okay and she was pissed off at both myself and my brother for not sticking up for her. I told her that I thought it was pretty even since she called him an asshole and he called her a bitch. She told me that he had called her a whore and a cunt. I told her that I didn't hear that part and if I had I definitely would have stepped in. Those words would have been uncalled for. But just like anyone in our family when we're pissed off we don't really want to talk to anyone. So she cut the call short and was still pissed. I know Dad was still pissed too.

I will say that I had a bit of a flashback to when I was growing up since that wasn't exactly anything new when we were growing up. I think that may have been part of the reason I didn't react. I was just shocked that it was happening at all. I basically just tried to blend into the couch. However, like I said, if I had heard Dad call Mom a cunt or a whore I would have stepped in. Since I didn't hear those two words if I had stepped in it would have been to tell both of them to calm down and stop.

Normally I talk to my mother every day. I don't think it's wise to call her tomorrow as I don't know how pissed off she'll still be at me and whether or not she'll want to talk to me at all. So I'll wait for her to call me, if she wants to. I don't know. Am I mad at Mom for being pissed off at me or my brother? No. I can't tell her how to feel just like she can't tell me how to feel.

I hate fighting with family and after I had calmed down I crashed out on the couch really early and slept for a good five hours. I woke up right before Master was going to bed and I felt tired still. So I went to bed with Him. I didn't stay in bed long though because I had this pain shooting down my leg. Master came out to ask if I was sleeping on the couch again and I told Him no, that my leg was just bothering me. He told me to prop it up, which I am doing while I'm typing this out.

I know I've been sleeping on the couch too much while He's in bed. I just have been having a hard time sleeping at night due to all the things that are going on with Grandpa.

My Dad did threaten to ban my mother from seeing Grandpa after she had left. I already know that if he does do that I'll tell him that it's not fair. We don't know how long he'll still be here and it would not only hurt my mother it would hurt Grandpa too. I love both of my parents very much and I don't want to fight with either of them. I don't know if that's part of the problem. Meaning that I'm trying to try really hard not to take sides.

This will sound absolutely horrible but Grandpa doesn't want to be here and things are escalating so quickly emotion wise for everyone that I just want this to be done with. I want Grandpa to be at rest and I don't want to fight with my parents.

On a much happier note, Master's pet project was approved! There were only a few changes that needed to be made but they were extremely easy so they were done in no time flat. I am very, very happy for Him and proud of Him as well.

Waiting Sucks

I asked Master just now if I could listen to some music and do a blog post. He seemed a little surprised since I just did a post last night. The current rule is I do a blog post every other night. I'm not sure if I wanted to do a blog post just to listen to music and kill time, or what. Maybe. It's better than just drifting off and staring into nothing which I have done a couple of times already today.

I'm not depressed or anything like that. I'm just anxious and nervous about tomorrow. I got a call a couple of days ago about tomorrow. The whole family is going out to Grandpa's house so my father and my uncle can discuss some things with everyone. About what? No clue. That's how my dad is though. If he makes plans to meet up with someone face to face to talk with them he doesn't tell them what it's about. If you ask, he just says we'll discuss it in person. And it's not like he's doing that with just me, he's not telling anyone what subject(s) will be discussed.

Up until today I've been pretty collected about waiting. But now that it's closer I'm starting to get anxious and drifting off to think about absolutely nothing just to try and keep my mind as blank as possible. I don't really want to walk in there tomorrow with any preconceived notions but that's kind of hard to do.

On the bright side I haven't cried in a few days. Every now and again I've shed some tears since this all started with Grandpa about a month ago. Emotions are high. Stress is high. I jump when the phone rings. I think Master has been jumping when it rings too because He's right on it after the first ring. Normally we are rather casual about the phone ringing. But for the past month one or both of us are jumping it as soon as the first ring starts. Basically we're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'll be visiting Grandpa on Tuesday with my mom. I have to be in town that day for a data entry test for a possible job and so I wanted to stop in and say hi to him. My mom just wants to come with me as I feel somewhat uncomfortable going by myself. Not because it's Grandpa but because... Well... I just am.

I had a dream the night before I went to visit him earlier this week that I was sitting in his hospital room with him and we were talking away and the next thing I know he rests his head on the pillow, closes his eyes, and the heart monitor goes flat.

Anyway.. back to tomorrow... I already know that I'm going to be highly uncomfortable being at that house without Grandpa being there. I'm worried that it'll feel like he's already gone, even though he's not. I felt that way as a kid when I would go visit my grandfather while my grandmother was in the hospital. It felt like she was already gone because she wasn't at the house. I was 9 back then. But here I am at 31 and worried about that sensation happening all over again.

I'm glad that Master will be with me. He's already told me that He's pretty much just going to be my shadow. He says this is family business. Don't worry, He knows He's family but He feels that this is something that is more for direct blood family. He was actually surprised by the fact my dad had invited Him out. Our family sees Him as family, the blood doesn't really play into it. We all want Him just as updated as the rest of us are.

I feel a little better after typing that all out. Still a bit anxious, but not as much as I was when I first started the post. I also think the music helps. It floods through me and it's always been something I use to either enhance or control my emotions. Right now I'm letting it wash over me so that my brain has something else to focus on. And I need something heavy right now. For instance as this exact moment I'm listening to "American Witch" by Rob Zombie.

It may seem odd that I need something heavy given the subject at hand. But heavy music helps me focus. It clears my mind. I don't want anything emotional right now. So heavy it is!

Brain Glitch

Okay first, I would like to say that I am driving myself crazy with trying to figure out if I want to keep the background I have for my blog or find a different one. I won't lie. Even though I haven't been able to make up my mind I've been hunting for a different one anyway. Ya know, just in case I happen to stumble across one I like better. And I already know I'll end up doing it again at some point today. After all, I like driving myself crazy apparently. And I do have that test blog to experiment with so I don't have to worry about messing with this one unless I'm absolutely sure I want to. So at least I'm not driving everyone who reads here crazy by dicking with the background constantly. Master picks on me about it. He doesn't get mad He just laughs and pokes fun at me. He also knows that I'm trying to keep my mind off of other things. I'm glad He is so understanding. The only thing I do know for sure with this blog is that I really like the orange. I've never had orange on my blog before so I'm grooving on it. Plus my "name" is Coyote's Kitten. And when I say Kitten I am referring to a Tiger, because I love them. Also I am fascinated with them. And Tigress just sounds silly. So orange is rather fitting, if I do say so myself. Why I never used orange before I have no idea.

Okay, enough about that since I'll be driving myself crazy with that later. On to the next random subject!

This is going to sound stupid as hell, but this thought actually kicked up in my mind last night because I was watching an episode of Jerry Spring. It's a guilty pleasure okay?!

Anyway... there was this supposed "Dom" on there and he was wearing a collar. It's not the first time I have seen such. Hell, I've seen it in porn. Whether it is a female or a male the "Dom" wears a collar. To me a collar has always symbolized the submission of the person wearing it and a symbol of the Dominant's ownership of said submissive. As a result seeing a "Dom" wearing a collar kind of makes my brain glitch. What. The. Fuck.

If Master, and this thought alone makes me want to laugh, ever wore a collar I would freak out. Trust me that will not happen. Ever. It wouldn't even happen in some crazy as hell parallel universe. Just no. Nuh-uh. No way.

I just don't get it. Maybe it's because of how Master has used me collar in the past. He'd yank me around by it, grab it to pull me close, move me around like a rag doll, etc. and so on. Maybe it's because of how I view the thing itself. I don't know. But to me if a Dom of either gender is wearing a collar it just makes me think of the Dom being yanked around by it which isn't Dominant at all in my eyes.

Can anyone possibly explain this concept to me? Master doesn't understand it either but then again He has the same view point I do about a collar in general.

**Update** This update is in regards to my blog background. I think I finally figured it out. Master helped me pick it out. I think it is a lot more interesting than the last one. Now hopefully I can stop messing with it.

Sleep? What Is Sleep?

I haven't been sleeping for shit for a while now. I know most of it is due to stress with everything that is going on with my grandfather. I will say that certain family members aren't helping my stress levels at times but I also know that they are trying to cope with things the best they can as well. And sometimes that just means venting. Hell today alone was stressing me out. Not because of anyone in particular but just.. well.. it was.

I got a call from my dad today asking if my Husband and I could meet him out at Grandpa's house this upcoming Sunday. He informed me that he was inviting everyone. Everyone includes myself, my Husband, my brother, my uncle, my mother, and my mother's husband. Now, the last two shocked me. My mom and dad can be civil if they are in the same room however that doesn't mean they always are. Especially when emotions are high such as it is in this situation.

Anyway, I told my dad yes and he said he would be getting a hold of my brother as soon as he was off the phone with me. Okay. The only thing my father told me is that the meeting is taking place at Grandpa's house because it has the most room and that the meeting is so we can go over everything, as he put it. What we are going over, I have no idea. I know it'll be related to Grandpa but aside from that I have no clue.

I got off the phone with him and then about a half hour later my mother calls me asking if my dad had gotten a hold of me about Sunday. Yes, he did. She asked if I knew what this was about. No, I didn't. I was calm up to that point but then she asked me a second time and that time I put some force behind my voice. I said,  "No... I don't know what the meeting is about. All Dad told me was that everyone was invited and it is for Sunday. He did not tell me exactly what we will be going over."

I think I was annoyed more just by the fact that yesterday was really hard on me and I didn't sleep well last night or the night before. So calling to ask me if I knew anything more than you did is annoying. After that I went to soak in the bathtub.

I'm laying there soaking in the hot water and reading a book when Master brings the phone in. It's my brother. *sigh* Normally Master wouldn't have brought the phone in but since the situation with Grandpa is so high alert right now we're answering every phone call. Okay... So I talk to him. He was pissed off because he went over to Dad's place and Dad's neighbor was over. My brother and said neighbor don't really get along. Needless to say it didn't take long for things to heat up and my brother storming out. The reasoning this time is because the neighbor stepped on the subject of Grandpa and that set my brother off. So my brother called me to vent. I know he is stressed as well. And really, in our family I'm the only one he can vent to. My brother proceeds to tell me that he is now heading out to see our uncle. I basically said, "If you are in fact trying to get out any information that we will be discussing on Sunday, that's pretty stupid. They said we would all talk Sunday so there is no sense in trying to dig around about it right now." He assured me that isn't what he was doing and that he just wanted to see them. Okay. Fine.

I believe I overreacted after the fact. The fact that I know for sure that Grandpa is never going home is hitting me harder than I thought it would, and yes I am keeping Master updated about that. So knowing that we'll be going out there on Sunday already feels weird to me and then my mother and my brother both call me immediately there after. So... I vented to Master. That poor man... I have been venting a lot and just not being myself lately. He has told me that I am reacting rationally given the situation and it is not my bipolar just kicking up in my ass.

One thing that I did say to my mother and my brother is that I'm hoping that no one starts a screaming match. I said this for a few reasons:

• I don't know what the hell we'll be talking about so the unknown has me a little on edge.
• Everyone's emotions are in high gear.
• My father and my mother don't always act civil.
• My brother, my father, and my uncle have quick tempers.

My mom told me that if that does happen she'll just leave. My brother told me that he will keep his calm.

It may seem like I'm the go to person and I kind of am. I always have been. Everyone in my family comes to me when they need to vent. My father, my mother, and my brother. The only one who doesn't is my uncle and that's because my uncle and I aren't all that close. I love him because he's my uncle but we aren't close at all. Unless he is at Dad's house I don't see him. 

I think right now, after clearing my head a bit, that I overreacted with my flare up of being pissed off after speaking with my brother. Especially since he told me he isn't digging for more info. I believe him. But in that exact moment I just got pissed off about it. Like I said everyone's emotions are rather raw and as a result it doesn't take much for anyone to step on that one nerve.

Master went to bed about a hour and a half ago. I said I would go to bed with Him but He knew I wasn't tired and so He suggested that I stay up a bit and try to relax.

I felt tired as hell earlier this afternoon. I honestly was surprised that I didn't fall asleep on the couch while watching TV. That's how tired I felt. But now I'm wide the fuck awake and it's 4:35am right now. I don't want to go to bed and toss and turn and keep Master up. I did tell Him that I may just crash out here so in case I can't fall asleep I'm not getting in and out of bed. He understood.

Tomorrow is a new day and I'll try to start it with a better attitude.

Heartbreaking

I know that my blog posts have pretty much been nothing but my messing around with my blog template and all that or about my family, but honestly that's all that's really been on my mind. The family situations are on my mind and the blog stuff is just something I'm using to distract myself.

Today I met my brother at his place and from there we called the hospital to make sure it was okay to stop by to visit Grandpa. He had no clue we were coming and we wanted it to be a bit of a surprise. The nurses gave us the go ahead basically and so off we went. First we had to stop at a store and pick up a picture frame. We had a picture we wanted to give him but we wanted it in a nice frame rather than just handing him the picture itself.

Both my brother and myself were nervous and talkative on the way to the hospital. I hadn't seen Grandpa in a while and neither had my brother. We basically weren't sure how he was going to look and how lucid he was going to be.

Our dad and uncle would tell us he was in and out of it, yet our mother would tell us that he is perfectly lucid. Two very conflicting opinions. So neither of us really knew how he was going to be.

We had to ask four different people for directions on how to get up to the top floor. The hospital is huge and has changed a lot since the last time I was there which was about 11 years ago. All I told myself on our way up was that I wasn't going to cry in front of Grandpa.

One thing my father had told me was that to basically not correct Grandpa if he said something that wasn't exactly true or talked about something that happened but not the way he said it did.

Grandpa was very happy and surprised to see us. He loved the picture. For a little while he seemed like the same Grandpa I've always known but that only lasted a little while. He was awake and talkative but I'm glad my dad told me not to correct Grandpa because otherwise I wouldn't have been prepared.

Grandpa would know who both of us were and then he would call us different names of other family members. And then he would go back to using our actual names. He would sit there and look off to thin air and start talking to someone other than my brother and I. I knew he had been talking to Grandma, who passed away 20 years ago, but now he is also talking to his twin. When my grandfather was born he had a twin, but the twin died at birth.

We had to leave the room twice while we were there. One time was so the nurse could take him to the bathroom. The second time was because shortly after that he had wet himself and they had to take him to the bathroom to clean him up and put him in a new hospital gown.

It was heartbreaking to see him struggling with other things. He would pick up the picture frame that we had just given him and then get mad at himself because he then realized that it wasn't a mirror. He asked me a few times if he had his socks on. He was constantly moving his water cup on the little table by his side but then move it back to where it was. You know those little cardboard milk containers you got in elementary school? Well, he had one of those with a straw in it. He very slowly and carefully picked it up and when he tried to drink from it he couldn't seem to get the straw in his mouth. The first time it was inches away from his face and he still looked like he was attempting to drink it. Then he said, "Oops. I didn't get any that time." So he tried again and this time the straw rested on the outside of his cheek and he tried to drink again. He got frustrated by that point and I asked him if he needed help. He didn't get mad at me, he just said no thank you. Rather than making another attempt he just put it down again.

He has a sign right outside of his hospital room labeling him as a high risk for falling if he tries to walk without assistance. He kept telling us that he didn't know where his pen was and continuously checked his gown for it. There aren't any pockets. I didn't try to explain that to him, I simply said, "Don't worry Grandpa, I'm sure they'll give you a new pen."

He has very dark bruises from when he fell from three weeks ago. They don't seem to be healing. He is just so... confused. He said that he just got done building a house and that this summer he is going to make a garden so he can grown tomatoes and cucumbers. He built the house 40 years ago. He told me that his dog's name is the name of the dog that my father and uncle grew up with. Neither my brother or myself corrected him. That would have only upset him more.

He is nothing but skin and bones. It was so hard to see him like that. But I didn't cry. I felt like I was going to at one point but I calmed myself down really quickly and Grandpa didn't see it because it was when we were waiting in the hallway while the nurse was cleaning him up.

So, I think what is happening is that when my mom sees him he is pretty lucid and she doesn't see him have a bad moment or moments. But today.. there is no way I can kid myself and say that Grandpa is going to go home. He wouldn't be safe. Not at all. Even with someone living out there with him. The nurses had to keep telling him how to sit down safely because he was trying to sit on the floor rather than the chair because he thought the chair was behind him rather than in front of him. We stayed for about an hour and then said goodbye and told him that we love him.

I know this post probably seems all over the place but... well.. that's kind of how things are going on in my head right now. I haven't cried. I think being slapped in the face with the reality that no, Grandpa isn't going home.. ever.. has put me into a bit of shock.

He was transferred to what they are calling a rehabilitation center this afternoon about four hours after we left. I just... I don't know. I guess he is supposed to be in the rehabilitation center for a while and then eventually be transferred to an assisted living complex. That's if he lives that long. That may sound cold or harsh but... well... it's the truth. He may pass away at the rehabilitation center.

Only time will tell. My dad sent me a text once Grandpa was settled into the rehabilitation center so I knew he was okay and that he had taken the framed picture with him. Dad told me that it's in his room and it looks very nice.

So now... just wait and see what happens. I told my brother that once Grandpa is settled in the rehabilitation center for a while we should meet up and go visit him again.

Easter

Well, today is Easter. Master and I are not Christians but most of my family and His mother are. So we are going to His mother's for dinner today. Mainly because we haven't seen here since Christmas I believe and she has been bugging us to come down. I sent texts to my family members to say Happy Easter. As I was sitting there doing that the thought crossed my mind that I should call Grandpa. I really wanted to at least say Happy Easter because... and this is hard to say and/or type... but this might be his last holiday. I at least wanted to talk to him. So I had to get the hospital phone number and his room number. I really had to build myself up just to dial the numbers. I kept my voice strong while I was on the phone with him. They were taking blood and he sounded really tired so I kept it very short. I said I just wanted to say Happy Easter and he asked how I was doing and how my Husband was doing. I said we were both okay. He wished us both a Happy Easter and said he was really glad I called. I damn near broke down crying right then and there. But I kept my voice from wavering and said, "Well Grandpa since they are taking blood right now and you sound kind of tired I'll let you go. I love you." He said, "I love you too sweetie." As soon as I hung up I lost it. I was bawling. I couldn't help it.

Master came over to comfort me and once I got myself under some semblance of control I went to blow my nose. Apparently my brother is thinking about visiting Grandpa on Tuesday and said I could tag along. But we are going to call first to see if he's up for company. My dad sent me a text just now saying Happy Easter and I sent him a text back. I also told him that my brother and I were thinking about visiting Grandpa on Tuesday. I am waiting on a reply. I'm not sure if he's going to say it's a good idea or if we should wait or what.. I have no idea what's going on in my dad's head right now. Hell, when Grandma died he wore sunglasses to her wake so no one could see him crying. Dad always feels like he has to be the strong one and so doesn't show a lot of vulnerability such as crying.

Okay, I just got a reply from Dad saying that he thinks it would cheer Grandpa up if we both went but to just make sure we call first to see if he's up for a visit. So now Tuesday is a go, as long as Grandpa is up to it that day. I'll be driving down to my home town and meeting my brother at his place. Then we'll both head over to the hospital. After that we'll go back to his place and he'll follow me up to my place to hang out with Master and myself for a while.

Before we went down to His mother's I cried on and off. Not a lot. A few tears here and there. But I got myself under control.

I started this post before we left because I wanted to get some of it down. Now we are back home from His mother's place and it went pretty well actually. It's always a 50/50 shot with her and her husband. But it went okay. We ate and joked a little bit here and there. We stayed about three hours and then headed home.

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I was tossing and turning and just couldn't get comfortable. I also couldn't get my mind to shut down completely. I would get 15 minutes here and an hour there. It was just a constant in and out of sleep. As a result I'm pretty sluggish today.

Master still has me on the every other day posting requirement and I did a post yesterday but I wanted to write today since I talked to Grandpa and will be seeing him, hopefully, on Tuesday.

Distracted

Well, since I had nothing to code anymore on the pet project Master had and I really needed something to distract myself with. So I created what I'll call a test blog for me messing with the coding for this blog. I'm glad I did that because I think I was messing with it for a total of 6 hours. I didn't like the colors, then I didn't like the background, and etc. and so on. Finally I settled on this one. It may not look as "professional" as the last template I had but that's because I basically built this one from the ground up. And ya know what? I'm grooving on it. As a result I also had to update my twitter background and avatar as well as the background for the e-mail address I use for this account, and I had to change my "gravatar". Okay, so I didn't have to but I did it anyway because I'm a bit OCD about those kind of things. Why? I don't know.

Grandpa was transferred to the hospital where his heart doctors are yesterday a little after he was released from ICU. Then he had the experimental surgery shortly there after. He is still alive but the doctors said that it didn't do any good either. Basically he went through it for nothing.

Today he is going from lethargic to what the nurses are calling combative. They had to pad the sides of his hospital bed so he doesn't accidentally hurt himself.

I ended up breaking down and crying last night for a little while. Master came over to the couch and sat next to me so He could hold me. I was able to continue talking while crying to explain more to Master. Normally when I'm crying I can't talk at all so that was a bit of an accomplishment on my part.

Since my father and I had that talk he has been a lot better about keeping me informed and up to date. It may not be right away, but I can understand that. That man has a lot of shit on his plate right now. So I only checked in once. The rest of the time I waited for him to contact me. I just wanted periodic updates. I don't need anything right away unless of course he passes away. Then I would like to know as soon as possible, obviously. 

Today I sent my father a text to see if I could tag along to his next visit. He told me he would let me know and see if Grandpa is up to more than one visitor at a time. I would rather go with my dad rather than just showing up on my own. Part of it is due to my grandpa's memory issues and the other part is that I would feel more comfortable about it especially after Grandpa telling everyone he doesn't want visitors. I think doing a tag along would be easier on everyone.

Last night Grandpa thought he was in a hotel room waiting for his deceased wife to visit. This makes me think that it won't be very long. Him talking to Grandma and him saying that she's on her way to visit him or she is in the next room or that she is right next to him has been becoming more frequent for a few months now but this past week it has been non-stop.

Venting & Worried

My grandfather is in the hospital for the third time in a month. I'm not going to go into why and all that. It has to do with his heart again. No one even knows how he got to the hospital, meaning whether or not his "heart alarm" went off and automatically called 911 or if he called it himself. All we do know is that he didn't drive himself and no one drove him out there. My dad and uncle were informed by the hospital calling them at 7:30am because they are the emergency contacts. Well, I didn't find out any of this until my mom found out. Now, please keep in mind that my grandfather is on my father's side. That doesn't mean I don't want updates from my mom if she has them but I shouldn't have to wait to hear it from her. This has happened every fucking time he has been in the hospital. Someone tells someone else who then tells my mother and then she, in turn, calls me.

This time I was actually in town visiting my mother when she got the call. So she told me and I spent a little extra time down there to see if there would be any updates. I didn't go to the hospital because basically he was in and out and the doctors didn't want a lot of people there, which I understand. They had actually told my dad and uncle to go home and they would let them know if there were any changes. But I wanted to stay down there for a little longer just in case things escalated. Around 2:30pm I called my brother and he said things were the same so I decided to go home. I had called my brother as he was with my dad and uncle to request an update. What I thought I heard was that Grandpa had been sent home.

Then about an hour after I got home my mom calls, "Did you know that Grandpa never left the hospital and that he's still there? Your dad, uncle, and brother are out at Grandpa's house." Well no.. I didn't know that because I thought my brother had said that Grandpa had been sent home.

So I sent my brother a text. Apparently I had misheard him which is entirely possible since I was outside when I was on the phone with him and it wasn't exactly quiet. What my brother had said was that they (meaning my dad, my uncle, and my brother) were out at Grandpa's house. My bad. I sent my brother another text and then he called me rather than responding via text as he felt it would be easier.

And from there I just kind of blew up. Not at my brother. Well.. it was at my brother because he is the one I was talking to but it wasn't about him. What I blew up about is that every time something important happens, such as Grandpa being in the hospital, no one tells me shit until after everything has happened. I have to wait for someone to tell Mom and then I hear it from her. Grandpa had been in the hospital since 7:30am and here it was 6pm and still neither my dad or uncle had called me. It's like a fucked up version of telephone. I knew damn well my brother was still with my uncle because I could hear him in the background. So I told my brother flat out that I feel like just because I don't live in town, like everyone else does, I don't merit a phone call. I have to wait for my mother, who isn't even blood related to Grandpa, to tell me. Don't get me wrong, my mother and my grandfather still talk to one another and she has known him since she was 16 years old. I get that. But since this is my father and uncle's dad I feel that they are the ones that should be calling me.

I don't expect an hourly update but a single phone call just telling me that he is in the hospital would be fucking nice. I was so pissed off and upset that I was shaking. Visibly shaking. I wanted to cry but was too pissed off to cry. My brother said that maybe they didn't have my phone number. Are you kidding me?! Okay, our uncle might not but Dad sure in the fuck does. My brother confirmed that I have my uncle's phone number. Fine. So I told my brother to make sure that our uncle does and if either our uncle or our father thinks I'm pissed off at them, let them because I am.

I understand that things are hectic as fuck when shit like this goes down but if they have time to call my brother and my mom they sure in the hell have time to call me. Hell, I should know before my mother does.

I explained to my brother that I wasn't mad at him at all and that I was sorry for putting him in the middle but I was just too pissed to talk to Dad or our uncle. Later on I got a text from my brother saying that during that phone conversation he was only with our uncle and not our dad. So I asked him what he had to say. Direct quote: "He agreed with you and how stupid it was." In other words he felt like a complete asshole. I'm sure word will trickle on over to our father but I doubt he'll call and say anything about it because he'll feel like an asshole too.

After I was off the phone with my brother, prior to the text messages, I vented on a social network site I'm on and my dad's girlfriend has access to view what I say. I didn't give a shit. I unloaded both barrels. Why? Because I'm pissed and I shouldn't have to chase people for information like that. So is she decides to say anything about it to Dad go for it.

Of course about 15 minutes after I got done talking to my brother I get a text from my mom asking me to call my dad to get an update. Fucking hell. So I called her and told her flat out I am not calling my father. I told her what I had said to my brother and that I'm too pissed to call Dad. If she wants to call my father fucking go for it. If I do hear anything I will let her know. But I'm not calling him.

She seemed surprised by what I said to my brother and to her. Why? Normally when it comes to shit like this I back the fuck down and wait or I back the fuck down but call and request an update. Since it is so stressful and hectic I typically understand. But this time broke the damn last straw. I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't warrant even being told that something as serious as Grandpa being put in the hospital. As if I can just wait until everyone else but me finds out. I'm last in line.

One thing that my brother said is that maybe our dad or uncle don't want me rushing down when there is nothing I can do or things are in standby mode. No excuse. Just simply tell me that, "Hey. Grandpa is in the hospital. There is no need to rush down right now but we just wanted to let you know and we'll keep you updated." How easy is that? Two to three sentences covers all of it.

Anyway, like I said my mom was shocked. She was actually quiet when I told her. She also seemed shocked that I told her I wouldn't call Dad. Hey, she wants an update she can call him. My exact words to her were, "I don't know why you are asking me for an update when I'm the last one to know anything anyway and you have to be the one to update me, not the other way around." I told her that if I did in fact receive an update I would let her know.

This may all come across as a pity poor me party but I don't care. My grandfather is important to me and I love him very much. So, when I'm the absolute last person to be told and I'm not even told by my dad or my uncle it fucking pisses me off.

They are talking about keeping Grandpa over the weekend but they had said that the last time and sent him home the very next day. They did want to shock Grandpa again and he told them no. They talked to my dad about it and he backed up Grandpa's wishes.

I'll just say that if I do not get an update from anyone but my mother from this point forward I will blow up more than I did today. I'm not trying to make it all about me but for fuck's sake! I'm sick and tired of doing this

***UPDATE***

Okay.. as I was making this post my dad called me. I literally stopped typing because I had my ear buds in listening to some heavy music to try and blow off steam as I was making this post. I stopped because Master brought the phone to me. I didn't hear it ring. It was my dad. He told me as soon as I answered to just let him get everything out and then I can talk. Okay, cool. He explained that he prefers to have all the information he can possibly get before he tells anyone. My uncle is the one that jumped the gun and called both my brother and my mom. Dad didn't call anyone. After a lot of apologies to me and further explanation as to why he wanted to wait he "allowed" me to talk. I had calmed down a lot since he explained and I understood where he was coming from. He also said that he understands where I was coming from and that he promises that he will call me if/when Grandpa is in the hospital as soon as he knows why he is in the hospital. Long story short I am no longer pissed off at my dad and we both see where the other is coming from. I told him that I didn't call him to complain because I didn't want to get in a yelling match with him. He had planned on calling me as soon as he got home but apparently just when he was going to start dialing me up his girlfriend called and read him the message that I posted on the social network site. I had a feeling that would happen. That is why my father was so apologetic and I know he felt like an asshole. I have never in my life received so many apologies from my dad. My dad is very stubborn.

I explained that I would prefer to know as soon as Grandpa is in the hospital and they know why. That way I know what the hell is going on. Other wise Grandpa would have been in the hospital for 12 hours by the time Dad called me and that would have been the first I would have known about it. He told me he understood and promised he would call next time. He also told me that if I ever receive a call from my uncle, my brother, or my mom in regards to anything dealing with Grandpa to call him (meaning my dad) directly. That way I get as much of the story as he has and I get it first hand. If I have to leave a voice mail he will call me back as soon as he can.

So.. the full update is this. No one knows if Grandpa called 911 or if his "heart alarm" did it. However, the paramedics showed up and Grandpa was on the couch still breathing but unresponsive so they rushed him to ICU.

His heart rate was rapidly fluctuating from 80 to 165 and Grandpa didn't seem to be in any pain at all, which everyone finds extremely odd. Grandpa only has 5% of his heart that is even remotely healthy and the rest of it is his pace maker. Basically if he didn't have that he would have died already.

The doctors wanted to shock his heart again. Both Grandpa and my dad said no. They then suggested an experimental surgery but the risk is high. The surgery is going through an artery in his groin up to his heart and shocking it from the inside. Basically they said that there are only two outcomes. Either it will work or he'll flat line. There is no in between. And since he has a DNR they wouldn't be able to attempt to bring him back. Apparently Grandpa has not yet made a decision on that as he wants to know more from his own doctors. So, tomorrow they are hoping that they can transfer him to the hospital where his heart doctors are. They don't know if he'll be stable enough to be transferred because he is still, at this moment, in the ICU.

My dad promised me that he will either call or text when Grandpa is transferred or if a major development happens. I said that was fine and assured him that I didn't care what time it was. It can be 4am.. just let me know.

I feel a lot better since talking to him. I know I should have done that in the first place but I was too pissed off and I am my father's daughter so I can be rather hard headed myself. I don't like fighting with family. Especially my father. That's why I normally back down a bit, but this time I just couldn't help it and my dad understood. I'm really glad we talked once we were both calmer and I'm really glad that he was literally about to call me but his girlfriend saw my social media site post and called him before he had the chance. If I knew that was the only reason he called I would have exploded. But that's not the case and when my dad tells me something I believe it 100%. People can say what they want about my dad but I trust him. He has never lied to me about anything remotely serious so I believe him.

Scatter Brained

My mind feels like mush. It has been for the past few days. We had a 75° day not too long ago and then it was rain, then it was rain and rail, then it was snow. Now? Now it's just chilly and gray out. As a result my body aches and pains have been all over the place. My brain can't seem to get jump started and just... blah.

Some stresses have been relieved. We were waiting on a few things to be resolved and they finally have been. Unfortunately I am still doing job hunts. I haven't had a job offer yet although I have had a few interviews. And I have a data entry test on the 29th for a job that would be really hard but really rewarding and pay more than I was making before. I'm hoping that goes well.

Master is still waiting on an answer regarding that pet project of His. He is getting more and more anxious. I understand why. I know He wants to move forward with it ASAP but I also know that the response He is waiting on is from someone who has a lot on their plate and had said that he would look at it at some point this week. It's only Tuesday. Don't get me wrong I want to know too since we have both put a lot of effort into it. It's just not something we can push overly much because I don't want Him to be shot down simply by said person being annoyed by the "hounding" as it were. Master has only sent one "reminder" message and is now sitting on His fingers. Hopefully He'll hear something soon.

Today was stressful as fuck thanks to our bank not informing us of something that they damn well should have. I have it sorted out, mostly, but now I'm waited for them to resolve it on their end which can take 2 to 5 business days. *sigh*

No real updates on Grandpa. It's basically more of the same. I'm pretty much going on a "No news is good news" mindset right now. That doesn't stop me from jumping a little bit every time the phone rings. I don't immediately panic but I do jump a bit and wait to see what pops up on the Caller ID.

Ugh... even typing this short post is dragging for me. My brain is scattered as hell. The weather by Sybil shit is not helping at all. Just.. blah.

Hell Yes!

After I was done with Master's pet project the other day He submitted it and was waiting on feedback. The feedback was great but they wanted a couple of things changed and/or added. Okay, no problem. I was happy to help and happy to have something to do. The only issue was that the one thing that they had really wanted added, and so Master really wanted added, was being a pain in my tail. A huge pain in my tail. No matter what the fuck I tried I couldn't get it to work. Or, it would show up but wouldn't actually be functional. That pissed me off the most honestly. Yay it's there! Wait.. it isn't doing what it's supposed to do. Fuck! Back to the drawing board. I'm really, really glad that I was backing it up before trying something new. Other wise I would have been fucked and even more pissed. I tried to get it to work that same night but was unable to. I spent two hours working at it before Master told me to just take a break and try it again tomorrow (meaning yesterday). I wasn't exactly happy about stopping. It's not like I was mad at Him for kicking me off the computer, it's that the code wasn't doing what I wanted.

But okay. I'll stop. I think part of the reason why He kicked me off the computer is because how frustrated I was getting. Then yesterday He let me at it again. I'm not bad at some CSS but I absolutely suck at JavaScript. I really do. So I kept looking up tutorial after tutorial. Okay, that's not working. Nope, not that either. Mother fucker! I was honestly flipping off the computer monitor every time it failed. Or I guess I should say I failed but flipped off the computer monitor anyway. Master told me, before I started, that I had until 3:30pm (which was three hours away from when I put my fingers to they keyboard) and then He would need the computer. He wasn't saying that I had to have it done by then, He had meant that I could work at it that long and if it wasn't working by that point I would have to try again later on that night.

Finally, a little after 3pm, I made that coding my bitch! I got it working and I was so happy that I actually said "YES!" rather loudly and did a little dance in the computer chair. Master had been playing a video game and when He heard me yell yes He hopped up and said, "You got it working?!" I was actually a little smug about it. *laughs* "Hell yes I got it working!"

 He asked me to show Him but before I did I backed up that template. No way I was going through that again. I had actually made it look better than I had originally thought I could. He was so pleased. He was proud of me and I was proud of myself.

He had me get off the computer so He could resubmit it for review and gave me a huge hug and kiss and said, "I'll eat your pussy later on tonight."

Well, hell... I can't complain about that kind of reward! He hasn't heard anything back yet and is on pins and needles. While this isn't my "baby" I did put a lot into it and I'm excited for Him and am anxious to know what the response will be.

Later on that night I got a very long and relaxing back massage. Around 4am He ordered me to the bedroom where He ate me out and I exploded into a mind blowing orgasm. He scented me with my own pussy juices and allowed me to catch my breath for a moment. But I didn't just want to lay there to catch my breath. I got up, faced Him, laid in between His legs and took His cock into my mouth. I sucked it for a little while and then knelt up on the bed. He told me to turn around and as soon as I did He pushed His cock inside of me. I was highly sensitive and it didn't take long for me to get off again. He was kneeling on the bed and had me kneeling in front of Him so He could bounce me off His cock. Another orgasm later He had me put my ass in the air and my face to the mattress. Three more orgasms later He filled me with His cum.

Needless to say I went to sleep, curled up in His arms, with a huge smile on my face.

Pet Project

Master has been working on something for a little while. Well, He was working on an idea anyway. He wanted it all figured out before He asked for my help. I enjoy coding. I really do. It's a hobby. It's not something I would really want to do as a profession and even if I did I don't have the degree for it. I enjoy it as a hobby though. It's fun for me. Apparently He had it all worked out in His head yesterday and came to me with the idea and how He wanted it done. So He gave me a few specific things He wanted and pretty much allowed me to run with it. I was happy as hell. *laughs* I was doing something useful and I was doing something that I consider a hobby. I had thought that it would take longer. Hell, Master even thought it would take longer. But what He wanted was pretty simplistic. He wanted it to look professional yet simplistic at the same time.

Like I said, I was more than happy to help. I think part of the reason why I enjoyed it is because a few of the things I wanted to put in there were something I had never done before. So not only did I get to do coding but I also got to research a few things that I didn't know how to do before. Hell, I might use a couple of those tricks on my blog now that I know how to do them. In fact, I think I'll mess around with that tonight as long as Master doesn't need the computer and allows me to do it.

I was actually shocked when I turned around and told Master I was done. He took a look at it and He was very, very pleased. He did ask me to tweak a couple of mall things on it which were very easy to alter. Once I was all done I showed Him the things He would need to use in order to put in the entries He wanted.

He was like a kid in a candy store once He got the hang of it. And I was very proud of myself. I'm not saying it's 100% professional looking but it's exactly what He was looking for. I felt proud and I think He was proud of me.

Even though it didn't take long I felt like I had accomplished something. I would say that it took me about three hours total. The time was broken up because He would need to kick me off the computer for a little while. Unfortunately we only have the one computer. But I didn't mind. How could I? After all I was doing a favor for Him and it wasn't taking me as long as I had originally thought it would.

He may or may not need me to help Him with it again in the future. I, of course, would be more than happy to. I'm just glad that He was so pleased by it.

Coin Toss

Not a lot to report from the past two days. Yesterday we went out to lunch with Master's dad which was fun. Today it was actually warm enough for us to sit outside for a little while. Other than that... Well... that's about it actually. I haven't been feeling well these past two days. My stomach has been working quite a number on me. Yesterday it was like one minute I was fine and the next minute I felt like absolute hell. Thankfully I was able to get my body to chill out long enough to go out to lunch with Master and my father-in-law. From that point on I was mostly touch and go. I ended up not only taking a nap on the couch but going to bed early last night. My body just wasn't having it. Today I've felt mostly fine. Just a few little moments of not feeling well. And again I took a nap on the couch. I hate it. It's not like I'm not getting enough sleep. That is definitely not an issue. For whatever reason when I'm not feeling well my body wants to do nothing but sleep.

Now I'm feeling fine again. I think earlier today it was basically the tail end of my not feeling well yesterday. It always seems to trickle into the next day, doesn't it?

I think a lot of it has to do with stress. Yes, my stomach can mess with me pretty badly when I'm stressed. Hell, all of my body does. And honestly I think I have been handling all of this extremely well. But that doesn't stop my body from acting up every now and then.

The really stupid thing is that nothing has changed. It's not like the stress has gotten more intense. There hasn't been anything added to the weight sitting on my shoulders. That isn't to say that it is all on my shoulders. It's not. It's just the phrase I'm using right now because I can't think of a better one or a more accurate one.

I think it's just been on my mind more the past couple of days because I've been waiting on a phone call from the place I had a phone interview with last Monday. I had been told I would hear from them within the following five business days if they were interested. I didn't hear from them so yesterday I shot off an e-mail to the person I had talked to last Monday. No response. So I'm figuring that it's not going to go anywhere. I still have the test on the 29th for the 911 operator. If I pass that test there will be other ones but at least it's a start.

I'm tossing my resume out and waiting. It's driving me crazy. I've "only" been unemployed for a little over a month but I have this anxious feeling on and off. I haven't been unemployed since I was 20 years old. Well, that's not entirely true. I was unemployed for a year and a half because I was going to college. And even then I wasn't really unemployed for part of it because I was stripping for a while.

So being unemployed for this long is really fucking with me. Especially when I think about things that we both want to get rolling but they are impossible until I get a job. A lot of things just aren't financially feasible. Hell, when I was working things were tight and we'd have to do a lot of tweaking with our finances in order to do anything fun. Now? Yeah.. no chance in hell.

Master knows that I'm stressed and since none of it is new it would all just be a broken record. There is an update with my grandfather, which I did tell Master.

My grandpa has been talking to my grandmother, who passed away 20 years ago, for a few years now. But for the past few weeks it is getting a lot more frequent. And it's not just a couple of sentences like it was before. Now he is having full on conversations. He will sit in his recliner and look over to the couch that she use to sit in next to him and talking away, having a back and forth conversation. I only know this because of my dad and my uncle being out there so frequently. He'll get mad at them for interrupting her when she is talking. He'll tell them that she is in the kitchen so if they want anything go ahead and ask her.

That may sound outrageous. But no, I don't think he's losing his mind. I think he feels her there. I think she may in fact be there waiting so she can help him go peacefully when it's time. She is probably trying to comfort him. You can call me crazy. You can think I'm nuts. But that is my belief. When I told Master all of this He agreed with me. This makes us both think that it's not too long now.

I want to go out there. Maybe I can do it under the guise of helping out my dad or my uncle clean up the house or something. I don't want it to come across as my wanting to see him one last time. After all he doesn't want people out there anyway, so if I go out there to help with something I think it'll go more smoothly. On the other hand I'm scared to go. I remember how much I broke down when he had his first heart attack. It was before I met Master and obviously it was before I was medicated and I was much younger back then. I know I can keep it under wraps while I'm there. But I'm afraid of how much of a mess I'll be after I leave. Or maybe I won't be. Maybe I'll feel more at peace. It's a coin toss. But it's not really about me. It's about my grandfather. Which is also why I keep going back and forth as to whether or not I should go. He doesn't want anyone out there but I want to see him.

I'll have to call my dad and see what he thinks. The worst that could happen is I go out there to visit and Grandpa tells me to leave. That may sound harsh, but like I said he doesn't want anyone out there unless it's necessary. He has kicked my dad and my uncle out before as soon as they are done doing whatever they are out there to do. I also don't want to go out there by myself. I mean Master would go too, but I think that if my dad was there too it would help. That way I can say I'm there to help dad do whatever around the house.

We'll see. I'll probably call my dad tomorrow.

Slow and Gentle

I had told Master a couple of days ago that I wanted to try anal sex soon. Well, last night I asked if He wanted to go fool around and if so, if He would like to try anal. That is just a stupid question honestly. But I ask it anyway. So He said He would meet me in the bedroom. I had left the light on. Normally we turn off the light while we are fucking. No real reason why. We just do. But when anal is involved He has to be able to see what is going on.

I was laying on the bed, on my stomach when He walked in. For whatever reason I had left the regular bedroom light on rather than turning that off and turning on the lamp. He looked at me like I was crazy. The regular bedroom light is very harsh as it is literally directly above the bed. We hate it. I have no idea why I had left that on. So He switched that off and turned the lamp on when has a much softer light. (The really odd thing is that the light bulbs are the same wattage.)

Anyway...

I was about to move so that I was no longer on my stomach but He moved so that I couldn't. He hovered over me and ever so gently kissed my shoulder and then kissed just under my neck. He gently brushed my hair out of the way so He could bite down on my neck. It was a gentle love bite. Don't get me wrong, there was pressure and power behind it. It just wasn't as rough and intense as His usual bites. He continued to give me soft kisses and love bites along my spine and ribs. It felt amazing. With each love bite it was like a little shock of electricity went through me. I wonder if it has something to do with where He was biting. I do know that there isn't a lot to bite on my back and ribs.

He then opened my legs while I was still on my stomach and licked softly, sometimes gripping my ass and sometimes just resting His hands on my lower back.

It was very relaxing. He slid up and pushed His cock into my pussy. It was slow, long, deep strokes. He rested on top of me with His head next to mine and His arms around me. I didn't feel pinned down or forced to stay in place. Obviously if I had tried to move I wouldn't be able to. But to me it felt more like a very protective and loving embrace. He allowed me to cum twice. During the second one I had snaked my arm out a little bit and went to hold His hand. He interlocked my fingers with His and I squeezed. He lowered His head and kissed the side of my face after my orgasm had ended.

I then asked if we could try anal. He allowed me one more orgasm before He pulled out. I got onto all fours and He lubed both of us up. He was more generous with the lube this time as last time He had to stop twice in order to apply more. I grabbed my vibrator and gently placed it against my clit. He very slowly started to push forward with His cock. I winced a couple of times but it wasn't so much out of pain as it was just a very intense shock through my system. Each time it happened He stopped and stayed still until I fully relaxed again. Once He was fully inside of me He put some more lube on His hands and added a little more for a smoother stroke. Apparently I was tighter than usual. How that happens I don't know. I mean the ass is naturally tight, but some how, some way I was tighter back there than I was last time.

It was all slow and gentle strokes. He moaned repeatedly and I got off twice. I was getting so sensitive that I had to actually stop using the vibrator a few times because my system was going into overload. After a while I think it was highly apparent how overloaded my system was getting.

"Should I cum up your ass, kitten?"

I couldn't even form a full sentence. I just continued to repeat the word please. Normally, when He is about to cum He gets rougher but not this time. I think He was enjoying the slower and gentler fucking this time as much as I was. He shot His cum into my ass which tipped me into another orgasm. It is a very different sensation than Him cumming into my pussy. His cock is very thick and I can feel every twitch and pulse of it as He is cumming no matter which hole it is in.

He slowly pulled out afterward and we both cleaned up. Afterward we went into the living room and talked. We actually had a lengthy conversation about anal. He absolutely loves it and I am beginning to love it as well. It's just that my body isn't always up to it and as a result it doesn't happen as frequently as either of us would like. I would love to get to a point where there isn't a need for so much.. I don't know.. prep work? I don't know how to explain it.

We'll get there. I know we will. There was a time earlier in our relationship where we had reached that point. But there was a rather painful anal experience, through no one's fault, and since then I have been reluctant and nervous about it. I'm really trying to get better at it. But as Master says, there is no need to force it and if it is forced we'll most likely end up taking a step back rather than a step forward.

Although last night I wouldn't really say we fucked. I would say it was more like making love. That is a very rare thing. We both absolutely love and crave very rough and primal sex. As a result that is our norm. But last night everything was slow, gentle, and sensual. It was incredible.

In fact Master announced that last night while He was cleaning up. "I just would like to go on record saying that was incredible!" That made me giggle and I could do nothing but agree.

Dessert? Yes Please!

While we were getting ready on Tuesday morning I was kneeling on the floor in the bedroom picking out clothes for the day. He had just gotten out of the shower and always comes into the bedroom shortly after. He was standing near me and I looked over at His cock and I just couldn't help myself. I crawled over and without saying a word I took His cock into my mouth. He quietly moaned and then I heard the smile in His voice when He said, "I promise You can suck my cock later." I moved back, looked up at Him while smiling, and then we both continued with what we were doing. That kind of thing happens. Just a quick little moment and then on to normal stuff. Usually with a promise afterward, such as that.

The day went by and I was fucking tired as hell after we got home. I had only gotten about two hours of sleep and even then it was broken. Master allowed me to take a nap on the couch later on in the afternoon. It was really, really sweet of Him to let me take a nap. Sometimes I'll just crash out without meaning to, but that day He had actually suggested it.

After I woke up it was only a couple of hours before dinner. He asked me what I wanted to have for dinner and rather than answering the question what came out of my mouth was, "You promised I could blow You later."

"I asked what you wanted for dinner. I promise you will be allowed to suck my dick and that you will get a shot down your throat, but not right now."

We watched something on Netflix while we ate. We had finished eating before it was over, but as soon as it was He said, "Okay, now it's time for dessert." I knew exactly what He meant and I simply asked if we would be going to the bedroom or if He would sit in His chair. He told me to go to the bedroom. He sat on the bed, with His back against the wall and a pillow behind Him so He was comfortable. I laid between His legs and gave Him the best blowjob that I could. (My jaw was fucking with me a little bit but I didn't care! I wanted a shot down my throat and I wanted to make sure He was very pleased.)

After I got my reward He held my head down so that His cock was still in my mouth. I remained perfectly still until He allowed me to move. I then rested my head on His thigh and He petted my hair for a little while.

Later on that night He went down on me and fucked my brains out. Don't get me wrong, that was fucking incredible and we were both very tired after the fact but the thing that stands out to me as I'm writing this post is the blowjob. I think part of the reason why is because the night before, the night I only got two hours of sleep, I couldn't sleep at all. I just couldn't get my brain to shut down. Master had gone to bed but allowed me to stay up. I got bored. I went through all the usual stuff online, like checking e-mail and social network sites, etc. I didn't want to turn on the TV because I didn't want to risk waking Him up. I was sitting there trying to figure out what to do as I didn't really want to read a book.

For some reason I decided to just take a look through the folder of pictures we have. It's pictures of me that Master has taken over the years. They are mainly pictures of me in lingerie and in certain positions. There are also pictures of Him fucking me and me blowing Him. I like to look at them sometimes. Mainly the ones of Him fucking me and me blowing Him. I know He does from time to time as well. But I also stumbled upon a folder that I had honestly not looked at in a very, very long time. It is a folder of three videos He has taken of us with His camera that doubles as a camcorder. Two of them are very short. A few minutes I think? But there is one that is longer. It is back when we first found out that His camera doubled as a camcorder and that we could actually hook it up to the TV while it records and we can watch what it is recording. You can tell it's older simply by the fact that my hair is short (which was a short lived phase) and His is in that almost buzz cut hairdo He had for a while. I left the sound off and clicked on it to play on the computer.

It begins with Him using rope to tie my hands behind my back and a separate rope to bind my ankles together. He then has me kneel on the floor in the living room as He gets undressed. His dick is already hard as He slips out of His boxer-briefs. He scoops up my hair and I arch my back, leaning my upper body towards Him. It's not the typical blowjob. He remains standing and rather than moving my head He has me stay stock still, and I mean I better not move kind of stock still. Instead He starts fucking my mouth as He would fuck my pussy. As I'm sitting there watching it I can't help my eyes from focusing on His face. I think it's because I don't get to see His facial expressions while I'm blowing Him very often. Hardly ever in fact. That's because of how my head is positioned. I can't look up too easily.

There I am, sitting there watching the video as He is fucking my mouth. He is alternating between what I would call a "normal" pace and then forcing me to deep throat ever so slowly. And all the while my eyes keep going to the upper right hand side of the screen so I can see His face. He is looking at the TV, watching Himself fuck my mouth. Then He is facing straight forward with His eyes closed, simply focusing on the sensation. From time to time He looks down at the top of my head. But He always returns to watching the TV so He can see Himself fucking my mouth. The rest of the video is Him sitting on the couch so I can continue to blow Him "normally" before He has me stand up, turn around, and sit on His cock so He can fuck me.

I was highly, and I do mean highly, turned on. I'm not allowed to masturbate unless He is watching and I knew Master was very tired, so I didn't want to go wake Him up. So I simply went to sleep with my pussy throbbing. That is what kicked up my oral fixation I think. The rest of that video is hot too, but the part that kept looping in my mind was watching His face as He's fucking my mouth. The way His eyes would close and His mouth would open as He slightly tilted His head back. The way He would bite His lip every now and then. The way His eyes looked as He watched the TV screen. Yep. Hello oral fixation! That is part of the reason why I was so adamant about blowing Him.

As soon as I got that shot in my mouth on Tuesday I was a very, very happy slave. Very happy indeed.

Here's Hoping

I have to get up in about five hours. Unfortunately, it's not because I found a new job. It's for an unemployment meeting type thing. Basically, if you are on unemployment you have to go to a meeting to give you tips about how to apply for jobs, how your resume should look, etc. and so on. It's mandatory. And if you don't go, you no longer get benefits. So mine is tomorrow at 9am. As a result I need to get up at 7am. The only problem is that because I've turned into a huge night owl since being unemployed I am not tired at all. Not even a tiny bit. I am wide the fuck awake. Master is going to be driving me there and back, so I don't have to worry about that part. And I know for a fact I'll be awake enough for the meeting regardless of what time I fall asleep tonight. I've done a lot more on a lot less sleep. And I can always take a small nap at some point in the afternoon. I'm actually glad that the meeting is in the morning. I can go and get it done with and not worry about it being in the middle of the day. When Master went to bed tonight I made sure to set the alarm for 7am. I actually grabbed my pillow too. Not because I don't want to sleep next to Him, but because I don't know when I'll actually crash out.

I would hate to climb into bed thinking I'm ready to fall asleep only to get up in a half hour because I can't. And I wouldn't want to toss and turn because I'm frustrated that I can't fall asleep. That will only wake Him up and make it more difficult to fall back asleep. So I figure if I'm not sure if I will crash yet I can just lay on the couch and if I drift off great. If not, then I don't have to worry about tossing and turning and waking Him up.

There are a couple of good things going on in regards to the job hunt. I had a phone interview on Monday. It was basically a phone interview to see whether or not they wanted me to come in for a face to face interview. It took a little over 20 minutes and I felt pretty confident about it. What surprised me is that she told me the hours, the pay rate, and the benefits package without my having to ask. That, to me, is a positive sign. Most places won't do that unless they are seriously considering you for the job. I'm not going to jinx myself and say it's in the bag. Especially since it was a phone interview. At the end of it the lady told me that she is at the corporate office, which is in Minnesota. She does all of the phone interviews. At that point she then sends a summary of our conversation to the place that would actually be hiring the person, which is only 15 minutes from home. That hiring manager then reviews my resume and the summary of the phone interview. If he or she decides that they want me to have a face to face interview they call me up and we continue with the interview process. She told me that I would know within the next 5 business days. So I figure that if I don't hear anything by next Tuesday I'll shoot an e-mail off to the lady I spoke with on the phone politely requesting a status update.

I also received an e-mail from a different job that I had applied to. It's a very serious job with a pretty lengthy interview process. It is for a 911 telecommuter position. The job is actually located in my home town. For now it would be about the same drive as I was doing for my last job, but since Master and I are looking to move to His home town it would make a lot of sense as it would then only be about 15 to 20 minutes away from there. Since it is such a serious position they have a lot of tests they want to put you through before they will even consider hiring you. Anyway, the e-mail advised me that they had reviewed my resume and would like me to begin the process. I had to schedule a data entry exam with them. So I did. If I don't already have a job by that point the exam will take place on the 29th of this month. I'm actually pretty damn good at data entry. I know it doesn't always seem like it with errors in my blog post, but I'm not doing my posts as a profession. When it's for a job I go into this ultra typing zone. It's weird.

I honestly would rather get the job that I had the phone interview for but I have to take any lead I possibly can since nothing is a guarantee until an actual offer is made.

Hopefully the unemployment hearing at 9am will go by quickly and maybe it'll even be helpful.