Heartbreaking

I know that my blog posts have pretty much been nothing but my messing around with my blog template and all that or about my family, but honestly that's all that's really been on my mind. The family situations are on my mind and the blog stuff is just something I'm using to distract myself.

Today I met my brother at his place and from there we called the hospital to make sure it was okay to stop by to visit Grandpa. He had no clue we were coming and we wanted it to be a bit of a surprise. The nurses gave us the go ahead basically and so off we went. First we had to stop at a store and pick up a picture frame. We had a picture we wanted to give him but we wanted it in a nice frame rather than just handing him the picture itself.

Both my brother and myself were nervous and talkative on the way to the hospital. I hadn't seen Grandpa in a while and neither had my brother. We basically weren't sure how he was going to look and how lucid he was going to be.

Our dad and uncle would tell us he was in and out of it, yet our mother would tell us that he is perfectly lucid. Two very conflicting opinions. So neither of us really knew how he was going to be.

We had to ask four different people for directions on how to get up to the top floor. The hospital is huge and has changed a lot since the last time I was there which was about 11 years ago. All I told myself on our way up was that I wasn't going to cry in front of Grandpa.

One thing my father had told me was that to basically not correct Grandpa if he said something that wasn't exactly true or talked about something that happened but not the way he said it did.

Grandpa was very happy and surprised to see us. He loved the picture. For a little while he seemed like the same Grandpa I've always known but that only lasted a little while. He was awake and talkative but I'm glad my dad told me not to correct Grandpa because otherwise I wouldn't have been prepared.

Grandpa would know who both of us were and then he would call us different names of other family members. And then he would go back to using our actual names. He would sit there and look off to thin air and start talking to someone other than my brother and I. I knew he had been talking to Grandma, who passed away 20 years ago, but now he is also talking to his twin. When my grandfather was born he had a twin, but the twin died at birth.

We had to leave the room twice while we were there. One time was so the nurse could take him to the bathroom. The second time was because shortly after that he had wet himself and they had to take him to the bathroom to clean him up and put him in a new hospital gown.

It was heartbreaking to see him struggling with other things. He would pick up the picture frame that we had just given him and then get mad at himself because he then realized that it wasn't a mirror. He asked me a few times if he had his socks on. He was constantly moving his water cup on the little table by his side but then move it back to where it was. You know those little cardboard milk containers you got in elementary school? Well, he had one of those with a straw in it. He very slowly and carefully picked it up and when he tried to drink from it he couldn't seem to get the straw in his mouth. The first time it was inches away from his face and he still looked like he was attempting to drink it. Then he said, "Oops. I didn't get any that time." So he tried again and this time the straw rested on the outside of his cheek and he tried to drink again. He got frustrated by that point and I asked him if he needed help. He didn't get mad at me, he just said no thank you. Rather than making another attempt he just put it down again.

He has a sign right outside of his hospital room labeling him as a high risk for falling if he tries to walk without assistance. He kept telling us that he didn't know where his pen was and continuously checked his gown for it. There aren't any pockets. I didn't try to explain that to him, I simply said, "Don't worry Grandpa, I'm sure they'll give you a new pen."

He has very dark bruises from when he fell from three weeks ago. They don't seem to be healing. He is just so... confused. He said that he just got done building a house and that this summer he is going to make a garden so he can grown tomatoes and cucumbers. He built the house 40 years ago. He told me that his dog's name is the name of the dog that my father and uncle grew up with. Neither my brother or myself corrected him. That would have only upset him more.

He is nothing but skin and bones. It was so hard to see him like that. But I didn't cry. I felt like I was going to at one point but I calmed myself down really quickly and Grandpa didn't see it because it was when we were waiting in the hallway while the nurse was cleaning him up.

So, I think what is happening is that when my mom sees him he is pretty lucid and she doesn't see him have a bad moment or moments. But today.. there is no way I can kid myself and say that Grandpa is going to go home. He wouldn't be safe. Not at all. Even with someone living out there with him. The nurses had to keep telling him how to sit down safely because he was trying to sit on the floor rather than the chair because he thought the chair was behind him rather than in front of him. We stayed for about an hour and then said goodbye and told him that we love him.

I know this post probably seems all over the place but... well.. that's kind of how things are going on in my head right now. I haven't cried. I think being slapped in the face with the reality that no, Grandpa isn't going home.. ever.. has put me into a bit of shock.

He was transferred to what they are calling a rehabilitation center this afternoon about four hours after we left. I just... I don't know. I guess he is supposed to be in the rehabilitation center for a while and then eventually be transferred to an assisted living complex. That's if he lives that long. That may sound cold or harsh but... well... it's the truth. He may pass away at the rehabilitation center.

Only time will tell. My dad sent me a text once Grandpa was settled into the rehabilitation center so I knew he was okay and that he had taken the framed picture with him. Dad told me that it's in his room and it looks very nice.

So now... just wait and see what happens. I told my brother that once Grandpa is settled in the rehabilitation center for a while we should meet up and go visit him again.