Venting & Worried

My grandfather is in the hospital for the third time in a month. I'm not going to go into why and all that. It has to do with his heart again. No one even knows how he got to the hospital, meaning whether or not his "heart alarm" went off and automatically called 911 or if he called it himself. All we do know is that he didn't drive himself and no one drove him out there. My dad and uncle were informed by the hospital calling them at 7:30am because they are the emergency contacts. Well, I didn't find out any of this until my mom found out. Now, please keep in mind that my grandfather is on my father's side. That doesn't mean I don't want updates from my mom if she has them but I shouldn't have to wait to hear it from her. This has happened every fucking time he has been in the hospital. Someone tells someone else who then tells my mother and then she, in turn, calls me.

This time I was actually in town visiting my mother when she got the call. So she told me and I spent a little extra time down there to see if there would be any updates. I didn't go to the hospital because basically he was in and out and the doctors didn't want a lot of people there, which I understand. They had actually told my dad and uncle to go home and they would let them know if there were any changes. But I wanted to stay down there for a little longer just in case things escalated. Around 2:30pm I called my brother and he said things were the same so I decided to go home. I had called my brother as he was with my dad and uncle to request an update. What I thought I heard was that Grandpa had been sent home.

Then about an hour after I got home my mom calls, "Did you know that Grandpa never left the hospital and that he's still there? Your dad, uncle, and brother are out at Grandpa's house." Well no.. I didn't know that because I thought my brother had said that Grandpa had been sent home.

So I sent my brother a text. Apparently I had misheard him which is entirely possible since I was outside when I was on the phone with him and it wasn't exactly quiet. What my brother had said was that they (meaning my dad, my uncle, and my brother) were out at Grandpa's house. My bad. I sent my brother another text and then he called me rather than responding via text as he felt it would be easier.

And from there I just kind of blew up. Not at my brother. Well.. it was at my brother because he is the one I was talking to but it wasn't about him. What I blew up about is that every time something important happens, such as Grandpa being in the hospital, no one tells me shit until after everything has happened. I have to wait for someone to tell Mom and then I hear it from her. Grandpa had been in the hospital since 7:30am and here it was 6pm and still neither my dad or uncle had called me. It's like a fucked up version of telephone. I knew damn well my brother was still with my uncle because I could hear him in the background. So I told my brother flat out that I feel like just because I don't live in town, like everyone else does, I don't merit a phone call. I have to wait for my mother, who isn't even blood related to Grandpa, to tell me. Don't get me wrong, my mother and my grandfather still talk to one another and she has known him since she was 16 years old. I get that. But since this is my father and uncle's dad I feel that they are the ones that should be calling me.

I don't expect an hourly update but a single phone call just telling me that he is in the hospital would be fucking nice. I was so pissed off and upset that I was shaking. Visibly shaking. I wanted to cry but was too pissed off to cry. My brother said that maybe they didn't have my phone number. Are you kidding me?! Okay, our uncle might not but Dad sure in the fuck does. My brother confirmed that I have my uncle's phone number. Fine. So I told my brother to make sure that our uncle does and if either our uncle or our father thinks I'm pissed off at them, let them because I am.

I understand that things are hectic as fuck when shit like this goes down but if they have time to call my brother and my mom they sure in the hell have time to call me. Hell, I should know before my mother does.

I explained to my brother that I wasn't mad at him at all and that I was sorry for putting him in the middle but I was just too pissed to talk to Dad or our uncle. Later on I got a text from my brother saying that during that phone conversation he was only with our uncle and not our dad. So I asked him what he had to say. Direct quote: "He agreed with you and how stupid it was." In other words he felt like a complete asshole. I'm sure word will trickle on over to our father but I doubt he'll call and say anything about it because he'll feel like an asshole too.

After I was off the phone with my brother, prior to the text messages, I vented on a social network site I'm on and my dad's girlfriend has access to view what I say. I didn't give a shit. I unloaded both barrels. Why? Because I'm pissed and I shouldn't have to chase people for information like that. So is she decides to say anything about it to Dad go for it.

Of course about 15 minutes after I got done talking to my brother I get a text from my mom asking me to call my dad to get an update. Fucking hell. So I called her and told her flat out I am not calling my father. I told her what I had said to my brother and that I'm too pissed to call Dad. If she wants to call my father fucking go for it. If I do hear anything I will let her know. But I'm not calling him.

She seemed surprised by what I said to my brother and to her. Why? Normally when it comes to shit like this I back the fuck down and wait or I back the fuck down but call and request an update. Since it is so stressful and hectic I typically understand. But this time broke the damn last straw. I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't warrant even being told that something as serious as Grandpa being put in the hospital. As if I can just wait until everyone else but me finds out. I'm last in line.

One thing that my brother said is that maybe our dad or uncle don't want me rushing down when there is nothing I can do or things are in standby mode. No excuse. Just simply tell me that, "Hey. Grandpa is in the hospital. There is no need to rush down right now but we just wanted to let you know and we'll keep you updated." How easy is that? Two to three sentences covers all of it.

Anyway, like I said my mom was shocked. She was actually quiet when I told her. She also seemed shocked that I told her I wouldn't call Dad. Hey, she wants an update she can call him. My exact words to her were, "I don't know why you are asking me for an update when I'm the last one to know anything anyway and you have to be the one to update me, not the other way around." I told her that if I did in fact receive an update I would let her know.

This may all come across as a pity poor me party but I don't care. My grandfather is important to me and I love him very much. So, when I'm the absolute last person to be told and I'm not even told by my dad or my uncle it fucking pisses me off.

They are talking about keeping Grandpa over the weekend but they had said that the last time and sent him home the very next day. They did want to shock Grandpa again and he told them no. They talked to my dad about it and he backed up Grandpa's wishes.

I'll just say that if I do not get an update from anyone but my mother from this point forward I will blow up more than I did today. I'm not trying to make it all about me but for fuck's sake! I'm sick and tired of doing this

***UPDATE***

Okay.. as I was making this post my dad called me. I literally stopped typing because I had my ear buds in listening to some heavy music to try and blow off steam as I was making this post. I stopped because Master brought the phone to me. I didn't hear it ring. It was my dad. He told me as soon as I answered to just let him get everything out and then I can talk. Okay, cool. He explained that he prefers to have all the information he can possibly get before he tells anyone. My uncle is the one that jumped the gun and called both my brother and my mom. Dad didn't call anyone. After a lot of apologies to me and further explanation as to why he wanted to wait he "allowed" me to talk. I had calmed down a lot since he explained and I understood where he was coming from. He also said that he understands where I was coming from and that he promises that he will call me if/when Grandpa is in the hospital as soon as he knows why he is in the hospital. Long story short I am no longer pissed off at my dad and we both see where the other is coming from. I told him that I didn't call him to complain because I didn't want to get in a yelling match with him. He had planned on calling me as soon as he got home but apparently just when he was going to start dialing me up his girlfriend called and read him the message that I posted on the social network site. I had a feeling that would happen. That is why my father was so apologetic and I know he felt like an asshole. I have never in my life received so many apologies from my dad. My dad is very stubborn.

I explained that I would prefer to know as soon as Grandpa is in the hospital and they know why. That way I know what the hell is going on. Other wise Grandpa would have been in the hospital for 12 hours by the time Dad called me and that would have been the first I would have known about it. He told me he understood and promised he would call next time. He also told me that if I ever receive a call from my uncle, my brother, or my mom in regards to anything dealing with Grandpa to call him (meaning my dad) directly. That way I get as much of the story as he has and I get it first hand. If I have to leave a voice mail he will call me back as soon as he can.

So.. the full update is this. No one knows if Grandpa called 911 or if his "heart alarm" did it. However, the paramedics showed up and Grandpa was on the couch still breathing but unresponsive so they rushed him to ICU.

His heart rate was rapidly fluctuating from 80 to 165 and Grandpa didn't seem to be in any pain at all, which everyone finds extremely odd. Grandpa only has 5% of his heart that is even remotely healthy and the rest of it is his pace maker. Basically if he didn't have that he would have died already.

The doctors wanted to shock his heart again. Both Grandpa and my dad said no. They then suggested an experimental surgery but the risk is high. The surgery is going through an artery in his groin up to his heart and shocking it from the inside. Basically they said that there are only two outcomes. Either it will work or he'll flat line. There is no in between. And since he has a DNR they wouldn't be able to attempt to bring him back. Apparently Grandpa has not yet made a decision on that as he wants to know more from his own doctors. So, tomorrow they are hoping that they can transfer him to the hospital where his heart doctors are. They don't know if he'll be stable enough to be transferred because he is still, at this moment, in the ICU.

My dad promised me that he will either call or text when Grandpa is transferred or if a major development happens. I said that was fine and assured him that I didn't care what time it was. It can be 4am.. just let me know.

I feel a lot better since talking to him. I know I should have done that in the first place but I was too pissed off and I am my father's daughter so I can be rather hard headed myself. I don't like fighting with family. Especially my father. That's why I normally back down a bit, but this time I just couldn't help it and my dad understood. I'm really glad we talked once we were both calmer and I'm really glad that he was literally about to call me but his girlfriend saw my social media site post and called him before he had the chance. If I knew that was the only reason he called I would have exploded. But that's not the case and when my dad tells me something I believe it 100%. People can say what they want about my dad but I trust him. He has never lied to me about anything remotely serious so I believe him.