Hush

I didn't really speak to Master last night like I said I would in my last post. I mean.. I did ask. It just didn't turn into a full conversation. We had a good day. We didn't go to bed until almost 4am. We didn't fuck, even though we both wanted to, because Master's back was really bothering Him and my period had literally just started so I was cramping pretty bad. I always do the first two fucking days. It's not like we don't fuck when I'm on the rag. We do. In fact we both enjoy it a lot. It's just the first day or two that suck.

Anyway, when we were climbing into bed to go to sleep I simply asked Him, "Was last night better Master?" I couldn't see His face as my eyes hadn't adjusted to the dark yet but it seemed like there was a smile in His voice. "Yes babe. A lot better."

See? No conversation needed. A simple question and a simple answer. He then pulled me close and put His arm around me. I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

I found a meme online today that made me laugh. Here it is:

Obviously the picture is wrong.. I would not and I repeat not be the one holding the cane or whip or whatever the hell that's supposed to be. However, I can get loud in bed. There have been plenty of times where Master will just put His hand over my mouth or tell me "Sshh.. babe." It's not like He gets mad about it. He enjoys it. But the walls in our apartment are thin as hell. As a result we have to keep certain things in mind. Nothing that makes a lot of noise, such as Him using His belt like He use to. Another good example is me getting too loud while we're fucking.

When I first moved in with Him He would use the belt on me when He thought it was necessary or just because He wanted to. But we had different neighbors back then and at least one of the apartments that shared a wall with us was empty. But that was oh hell... nine years ago? Yeah. That sounds about right. Since then we have had very, very nosy neighbors come and go. It got to the point where we are actually afraid of someone calling the cops if we get too loud with such things.

Why? Well, one time we had fucked rather rough and we had both gotten somewhat loud. There was some spanking going on and all that. Nothing too rough. A little while later there was a loud knock on our door. What the hell? So I tossed on a robe, as we were both still naked, and Master went and sat in the bedroom. No reason for Him to get dressed. We weren't expecting anyone. So I open the door and I had a smile on my face because Master and I had been joking around as I walked down the hallway. Anyway, I open the door and there is a damn cop standing there. I look at him kind of puzzled. I was still at least half smiling. He looked at me and said, "I guess there isn't a domestic disturbance going on here is there?"

"No officer there isn't."

"Sorry to bother you ma'am. We had received a call from someone saying there was."

Honestly, we weren't making a ton of noise and the spanking wasn't all that loud either. Definitely not as loud as we could have been. So yeah.. It sucks. One day we'll live somewhere that either has thicker walls or we live in a house.

Taking Initiative

Part of the conversation Master and I had the other night is that I am not really taking initiative in the bedroom. I have been lazy and laying down on the bed, waiting for Him to get to the bedroom (I normally get there first) and then waiting to see what He wants to do. Now, it's not like He isn't still in total control. He was just getting frustrated that I was leaving absolutely everything up to Him including for Him to initiate sex.

The only thing that I would really do is ask if He wanted to go fool around or tell Him I wanted to fuck. After that I always waited until He made the first move basically. Lazy of me. And I'm honestly ashamed to admit it. He was just frustrated with it. I have fallen into that lull before. I thought, at the time, it was what is I'm supposed to do. That whole "He's in charge so I'll just wait for Him to take charge and then I'll respond from there." Like I said, it's lazy. After our conversation I took it all to heart and promised that I would become better.

Last night I asked Him if He wanted to watch porn. He said yes, so I popped one into the DVD player. After a while we turned it off and I asked if He wanted to go play with me. He chuckled and told me to meet Him in the bedroom. I had dressed up for Him. It was a simple body stocking, but I hadn't worn it in a while.

Once I got to bed I waited for Him to join me. Rather than simply laying down I knelt on the bed itself. When He climbed into bed with me He laid down on His side. I moved forward, while still on my knees. I started stroking His cock and offered my neck for Him to nibble on.

I asked Him what He wanted to do with me. He told me that He wanted to 69 as we haven't done that in a long time. You would think that with our height difference it wouldn't be possible, but it is. I just always have to be the one on top. It didn't last long as my hands continuously slid forward on the bed sheets and as a result I was having a difficult time staying in a place where it was comfortable for me to suck His cock.

I then flipped around so we were facing one another and rested on top of Him, feeling His cock throb against my hip. I kissed Him and we kissed for quite a while. We honestly don't do that a lot during sex or foreplay. We kiss one another all the time. But for some reason we don't kiss very frequently during sex/foreplay.

I teasingly would flick my tongue quickly into His mouth only to move back before kissing Him again. I was being playful. I think He enjoyed it since He allowed it to go on and His cock remained hard against me. I asked Him how He wanted me.

"How do You want me Master?"

He said that He either wanted me on top or for me to get on all fours and that either was fine by Him. I then sat down next to His hips and started sucking His cock from that angle. My legs were open and He snaked His fingers between my pussy lips and gently fingered me. I then slid down further. He chuckled and asked me what I was up to now. "Nothing Master."

I knelt in between His legs and continued to please His with my tongue and mouth before climbing on top of Him. I reached between my legs and ran the head of His cock along the length of my slit before finally putting Him inside of me. I laid on top of Him, gently moving my hips, while resting my head on His chest and kissing His chest on and off.

When I sat up fully He moaned which turned me on more than I already was, and trust me I was already wet as hell. I alternated between rocking my hips, rotating my hips, and then bucking my hips hard and fast. He grabbed my hips and after I got off the first time I was hot. I pulled down the top of my body stocking so that my tits were free. It helped cool me off a bit and as soon as I did He grabbed my tits with His hands, which only made me buck harder again. And once again I got off. That didn't stop Him from torturing my tits and nipples with His hands in a most delicious way. I ran my hands up and down His arms as He did so and sometimes put my hands over His. I was simply lost in every single sensation. I wanted to touch Him as much as possible, which He seemed to greatly enjoy.

But after a while I wanted something else. He has always encouraged me to let Him know if I want something else. If He wants it to, He'll allow it and if He doesn't He'll just keep doing what He wants. Simple enough.

Rather than using my words I used my hands. I ever so gently took His hands away from my chest. I guided His left hand down to my hips. He allowed it and gripped my hip firmly. Then I gently guided His right hand to my throat. As soon as He realized that is where I wanted His hand to be He grabbed it and it was like His hand locked. Apparently that turned Him on as much as it did me. I didn't have a lot of places to put my hands so I simply placed my left hand on top of His, where it was holding my hip and my right hand against His chest to help balance myself.

The tighter His grip on my neck got the faster I bucked my hips. I felt His orgasm start which kicked me into another one. His hand didn't leave my throat until after we were both done. I began to move but His left hand locked on my hip, forcing me to stay in place. He wanted to enjoy that sensation a bit longer.When He allowed me to move I immediately cleaned off His cock with my mouth.

I know that He was very pleased afterward. He held me for a little while, allowing both of our heartbeats to get back to a normal pace.

I sincerely hope that what I did last night is what He meant by wanting me to take more initiative. It's not like I put a lot of thought into it. I just ran with what my instincts and waited for His reaction as far as whether or not that is what He wanted. I greatly enjoyed everything. If that is not what He meant, I hope that He tells me. I plan to talk to Him about it later on tonight. I didn't want to ask Him right away. I didn't want to ruin the moment by immediately delving into a serious discussion.

Standby Mode

Okay, so I've kinda sorta mentioned some family stuff in my last two posts. I actually wasn't planning on posting about it at all. Why? Well... I don't know why. Just because. However, with recent developments today I'm somewhat pissed off and just plain old fucking worried. Master is being my rock and we are both pretty much just in standby mode. Why? Because there is nothing else to do but sit by the phone, waiting for updates.

Alright.. so here we go...

If you've read here for a while now you already know that my grandfather has a lot of health problems. He's diabetic, he has a fuck ton of heart problems that have been going on for the past 15 years, gradually getting worse and worse. You also know that he just doesn't want to be here anymore. He wants to just give up the ghost and be with my grandmother who has been gone 20 years. His body just isn't allowing him to do so. Even with all of his health problems it's keeping him going each day.

I haven't seen him since this past Christmas. That probably sounds absolutely horrible of me. But he doesn't want visitors. He just plain doesn't. The only time he wants someone around is when he absolutely has to. By that I mean when he needs to have the house cleaned, have his finances done, be taken to the grocery store and taken to doctor appointments. And so I respect his wishes and stay away. In fact all the family respects those wishes, including his two sons, my dad and my uncle.

Anyway, yesterday I got a very scary call from my mother. She has been part of my grandfather's life since she was 16 years old. She was with my father for 25 years. And even when they got divorced my grandfather considered her a daughter and they have remained in contact with one another.

My mother had received a frantic call from my uncle, who also stays in contact with her. My grandfather had a doctor appointment on Wednesday and while there his heart rate was extremely high again. They had to knock him out, shock his heart, and wake him back up. He has a DNR in place but that is only in the case of if he is actually deceased.

But the frantic call had nothing to do with that. Grandpa was supposed to have another doctor appointment yesterday and my dad and uncle were going to take him there. My uncle had attempted to call him to remind him that they would be coming out soon. He got no answer and figured that he was sleeping as he has been sleeping a lot lately. But then they got a call from Grandpa's next door neighbor saying that he hadn't seen Grandpa go outside to get his newspaper or take his dog out. The neighbor had also attempting to call him but didn't get an answer. So he called my uncle, worried. My uncle told the neighbor that they would head out immediately. My dad and uncle rushed out there and when they got inside (my dad has his own set of keys to the house) they didn't get any kind of welcome. In fact he wasn't in the living room.

They found him on the bathroom floor, with his head just past the doorway of the bathroom. His dog was hovering and whimpering over him. My dad called 911 immediately. Grandpa was unconscious. Dad and my uncle were able to get him to wake up before the ambulance got there but he wasn't making a lot of sense. They didn't try to move him. When the ambulance got there and tried to get him up onto the gurney Grandpa screamed in pain. He said his back is where the pain was coming from. As they were getting him onto the gurney as gently, yet quickly, as possible they asked him how long he thought he had been on the floor.

He told them he remembers starting to walk out of the bathroom and looking up at the clock. The clock had said 9am. My dad and uncle hadn't gotten out there until 2pm. He had been on the floor like that until they had arrived and was slipping in and out of consciousness but couldn't move because of the pain.

He has a phone in his bathroom but it wasn't where he could reach it once he was on the floor. And when people were calling he couldn't get up to answer it. My uncle followed the ambulance to the hospital while my dad frantically searched the house for the paperwork he needed, such as the power of attorney and the list of all of his medications. The ambulance couldn't take him to the hospital he normally goes to because by law they have to go to the one closest to the house.

When my dad and uncle got to the hospital, that is when my mom got the phone call and then she in turn called me to let me know what was going on. I asked her if she thought I should rush down there. She said no because she felt as if any of the rest of the family other than my dad and uncle went down it would only further add to the chaos, which I understood and agreed with.

All I could do was wait for the next phone call with an update. I had remained calm during the phone call but broke down as soon as I started to explain to Master what was going on. I was sitting in the computer chair and He came over and rested on His haunches while He held my hand and let me take my time finishing what I was trying to tell Him.

And so we waited. And waited. And waited.

I eventually sent my dad a text message asking him to call me or to let me know when I can call. I know he had to turn off his cell phone while he was there so I figured a text message would make more sense than leaving a voice mail.

About an hour later my dad sent me a text saying it was okay to call. So I did. Dad was at home as my grandfather had been admitted to the hospital. The update I got was that when Grandpa had been admitted his blood sugar was extremely low, he was severely dehydrated and his heart beat had raced back up to where it had been on Wednesday. He wasn't dehydrated on Wednesday and his blood sugar levels were normal. So in the matter of two days all of this had happened.

My dad is not a man who shows his emotions. He holds them and bottles them up. While I was talking to him his voice was shaking pretty badly. It sounded as if he had just stopped crying or was trying not to cry. I didn't mention it. It would have only made things worse for him.

He told me that they had done a cat scan and taken x-rays but that they wouldn't get the results until tomorrow. I found that a little odd, but I have a feeling that mainly is due to the fact that my grandfather's doctors wanted to hold a meeting over it. My dad told me he would keep me updated once he got a major update.

I got off the phone with him and later on last night, about 10pm or so, I got a text saying that my grandfather had been released from the hospital and was at home with my uncle. What the fuck!? I didn't delve any deeper than that last night. Everyone's nerves were fried.

This morning I got up and called my mom. My mom is like a central hub. One person gives her the updates and then she updates everyone else. She told me that Grandpa had been released from the hospital last night because they had said he was terminal and as a result, for insurance purposes, all they could do was stabilize him and send him home. They hadn't even received results on all of his tests yet! But hey.. he's stable for that moment so lets ship him off to his house. Our health care system is fucked up. The doctors said that he is not to be left alone. My uncle had stayed the night and then he had to go to work or he would have been fired. Grandpa's neighbor kept watch after that.

I tried to call my dad to see if he needed me to go down and basically "take a shift". He didn't answer so I left a voice mail. That was probably around noon. It's almost 3pm now. So I figured one of two things...

1. My dad was on his way out there as he doesn't answer his phone when he's driving.
2. He was already out there and busy taking of Grandpa and so didn't answer his phone.

I haven't received any updates since I got off the phone with my mother a little before noon. Either no news is good news or shit has gone severely south again and it's just that no one has had time to update anyone.

It's one of those things where on one hand I want people to keep him in their thoughts so that he will get better as I don't want my grandfather to die. But, on the other hand, I know he doesn't want to be here anymore. And as fucked up as it sounds I think he would be happier if he weren't. So I'm a loving granddaughter who doesn't want to see her grandfather go but also doesn't want him to suffer any longer than absolutely necessary.

Like I said, we're on standby. We're just keeping the phones close and waiting. I don't want to blow up my dad's phone because my dad is one of those people where if/when he has news he will call me. If I'm constantly calling him it'll only add stress and will piss him off. My mom will call me if she hears anything.

This is another reason why I hate living here. We're 40 to 45 minutes away from where Grandpa lives. Master and I both want to move to His hometown and then it would just be a hop, skip, and a jump. It would be 15 to 20 minutes tops.

Nothing Important

Well, you may or may not have noticed... but I changed the font to the headers on my blog. I guess I just kind of got sick of the old one. I was trying to keep my mind busy tonight due to certain family related news I received today. I asked Master for permission to just kind of take over the computer and nerd out for a while. He said yes. He had absolutely no problems with it.

He knows that when I just want to nerd out I'm normally doing it to keep myself distracted and He knows I needed that right now.

And really the only nerding out I do anymore is fucking with my blog. So I looked through hundreds, and I do mean hundreds, of fonts available. I just wanted to change the font for the headers. I don't like stylized fonts for the actual body of the post because I think it makes it harder to read. I know that if I go to a blog or website and the body of the post is in an abnormal font I find it annoying and nine times out of ten I won't even bother reading it. If it's just the blog title, blog header, etc. it's not a huge deal to me. In fact I think such things can add a bit of flare and flavor to the blog.

Anyway, I had been using a font called Rock Salt. When I first applied it I loved it. I thought it looked a little edgy, ya know? But I just got sick of looking at it. I wanted something different. So I decided on using this one. It's called Risque. How appropriate of a font name for a blog like this, right? *laughs* I love it.

Then I searched for new avatars to use within the blog post itself. I haven't done that in ages, which I'm sure frequent readers have noticed. Hell, sometimes when I'm selecting one for that day's post I sigh and go, "Yeah I guess I'll use that one again."

I didn't save a lot of new ones. I chose and uploaded eighteen new avatars. I know I don't need to use them. And hell, for a very long time I didn't. But I think they add a bit of character to the post itself and I enjoy picking one out to insert before I start typing. Sometimes, oddly enough, when I'm scrolling through the ones I have one will catch my eye and actually jump start a blog post idea. I know that sounds really stupid, but it's true.

So yeah. I just wanted to hop on here and post about absolutely nothing of importance. Just a quick: "Hey! Look at the new font and stupid little avatar!"

Back on the Rails

Master and I had a really nice and long heart to heart last night. Well, actually it started two nights ago. But at that point it was a mini conversation that Master said we would continue the next day. (Meaning yesterday.) It was in regards to how things have been going with our dynamic. So most of the day yesterday I was waiting for the subject to be brought up, but it wasn't. I think He was waiting for me to start it off.

So around 2am or so I asked Master if we could just sit and talk for a while. So He turned off the TV and He sat in His recliner. I sat on the corner of the couch, facing Him.

Ever since I became unemployed I've still kind of been stuck in how the dynamic was working when I was working a lot of hours, has I had been for the last 4 months that I was working. Master had taken it very light on me. I was in a lot of pain due to my fibromyalgia and was pushing my body pretty far. So during the work week when I was home He allowed me to pretty much relax as much as possible. And on the weekends I was crashing out on the couch during the day as my body was attempting to catch up on it's sleep. Plus a fuck ton of stress makes my body shut down. It was kind of a double whammy.

However, that's not the case anymore. And I was still stuck in that same mind frame. I think He was kind of too. But we were both still adjusting to my being home constantly. It's been a month and one week now.

So the issue of my still being stuck in that laid back slave mode was becoming more and more apparent. It was really starting to grate on Him. And I needed to snap out of it. The conversation was extremely calm. Neither of us got pissed off or hurt. We kept our tones in a normal conversation pattern.

We didn't want it turning into any kind of fight or either of us thinking it was just the other person's fault. It was my fault and His. Neither of us were innocent in this. I had stayed in that mind frame and He had kept the leash slack. The stress of my being unemployed I think kept it going as it was/is a huge adjustment for both of us.

Since we started living together I have either been employed or going to college. I was never just at home 24/7. I had actually signed up for college about a month prior to my moving in with Him. It wasn't planned that way, it's just how things happened to line up.

Like I said... huge huge huge adjustment.

Due to circumstances outside of our control the dynamic had slipped to the back burner and we had both become rather lax about it. But now that I'm home there is really no need for that to be how things work anymore.

The stress levels are still high. Especially due to extremely recent family issues on my side of the family. (Recent as in the news hit today.) I don't want to go into it as I don't want to take away from the fact that the conversation we had was extremely needed and, I feel, very productive.

I think we both feel a lot better after having had that conversation. We bother had things we wanted/needed to bring up and honestly some of it matched up perfectly with what the other had brought it, it was just the other side of the coin. He was coming at the top from the Master point of view and I commented on the exact the same topic from the slave point of view.

It was just kind of interesting how we had both wanted to bring up the exact same topics but hadn't in the past due to other things coming up that at the time were more important. Don't get me wrong, our marriage, our dynamic, is highly important. But the things that continuously popped up had to do with things that needed our immediate attention.

Life gets in the way sometimes and we forget to take that time to reconnect and broach the subjects because we are so focused on the other immediate concerns. It's no one's fault. It really isn't. It happens to everyone, with or without a dynamic in place.

It has happened to us in the past and we just have to put it back on the rails, where it is supposed to be. It's not always easy to keep this running on the rails smooth as butter. Every now and then one of the wheels slip and the whole momentum slows down to a crawl. We just have to get this bitch back up to speed. We will. I know we will. Why? Because we've done it before.

Stupid

I was supposed to do a blog post last night. It is currently 3:46am. I had taken a nap earlier today because I didn't sleep well last night. I continuously drifted between the fully asleep to the half awake/half asleep state. I don't know why. I never woke up enough to bother looking at the clock. Like I said I drifted from one state to another.

I didn't even think about my blog post until about 20 minutes before we were going to go to bed. And as soon as it crossed my mind I said, out loud, "Fuck! I was supposed to do a blog post tonight." Master said, "Yes, I know." He didn't mention any kind of punishment or anything along those lines. I then explained that because I had been doing some of my posts at midnight or a little later it kind of threw me off. It's not an excuse at all. It's just the truth.

I had taken my pills right before we went to bed, like I'm supposed to. But I'm laying there and honestly I wasn't laying there very long, but I could already tell that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep right away. So I just got out of bed. It was either that or I was going to toss and turn and most likely keep Master up. I know He hasn't been sleeping well either.

The only issue is that I had already taken my pills. With the dosage I'm on normally if I'm up too long after I've taken them I start to get double vision and begin to walk around like I'm drunk. Part of me wanted to just lay there and deal with not being able to fall asleep just for that fact. But after a few minutes I decided I would just take my chances. After all, if I begin to feel that way I can just go to bed. Once I sleep I feel fine. And when I wake up in the morning there are no side effects what so ever.

But the whole not doing my blog post when I was supposed to is eating at me. I feel guilty. I feel bad. Not just a little bad. I actually feel pretty horrible about it. I've been doing so well. A few verbal but light reprimands here and there but other than that I haven't fucked up. I haven't had a big fuck up in a long time. And then I do this. And there is no excuse for it because after all I'm unemployed. So it's not like I don't have the time. I ran some errands today but I was home by 4:30pm. And yes, I'm stressed the fuck out because I'm not working and finances and family shit is constantly on my mind... And I'm okay. I'm not flipping out. But I've been a lot more stressed than this and still remembered to do my blog post.

After all it sometimes helps me calm myself down because I'm not focusing on everything at once. I'm simply focusing on writing my blog post. And how hard is it to remember to do my blog post? It's not. I've been doing it since 2007 after all. It wasn't always daily and right now it's every other day. Yes, I've been doing some posts past midnight so the dates don't always line up but since I'm not going to bed until about 2:30am to 3am it feels to me like I'm sticking to the schedule I'm supposed to and Master hasn't really had an issue with it as long as it was done before bed. The post isn't done on time. No I'm not in bed. No I haven't fallen asleep. But I did attempt to go to sleep. So this post doesn't make up for the fact that I missed the post for the 26th.

When I was working it had to be done before my bedtime, which was 11pm. Sometimes He would be feeling generous and allow me to stay up later than that. On the weekends I didn't really have a bedtime but the posts were still done before 11pm.

I don't know if He plans on punishing me. If He does, I don't know what it would be. He may allow it to slide. I just don't know. He didn't get pissed off when I realized and announced out loud that I didn't do my post. He didn't order me to do it anyway. His tone didn't change at all. But that doesn't really mean He isn't going to punish me for it. He doesn't punish me out of anger. He punishes me to teach me a lesson and remind me of my place in this relationship.

Since I haven't fucked up in a big way in a long time this is really eating at me. It would have bothered me even if it hadn't been a long time. But I feel like a total fucking moron. I feel like I'm not a good girl at all. I feel like utter shit right now actually. I'm very upset with myself.

I won't know whether or not I'm going to be punished until tomorrow. I don't know if that's part of why I don't feel tired. Not so much the waiting to see if I'm going to be punished, but rather that I feel like a really, really bad slave right now. Some people may think it's not that big of a deal. But it's one of the rules that has remained in place for years and years and suddenly this? Really? What the fuck!

But now the effects of the medication are kicking in so I should probably go lay down before I have problems walking down the hallway.

Razor

Master had me start growing out a landing strip a while back. I actually thought it had been longer than what that post actually says. *shrugs* But apparently it's only been a little over a month. I guess it felt longer because I'm always so damn worried about messing it up, like I have done in the past. But actually I had been doing pretty damn well with it.

So when Master told me to come to Him I immediately knelt down. He told me to stand up. I did. I had on one of His t-shirts because it has been kind of chilly in the apartment and He has been allowing it. He lifted up the bottom of the shirt and, for lack of a better word, inspected my landing strip. I got a little worried at first. But after running His finger through it a couple of times told me I could shave it off. My eyes got a little wide and said, "Why? Did I fuck it up?"

It's not like I wanted to keep it. I prefer being clean shaven. But I wanted Him to be pleased. So the thought of Him telling me that I can shave it made me immediately think that I had done it wrong. Maybe it wasn't even. Maybe it wasn't to the width/length He wanted it to be anymore. Trust me I'd rather have Him pleased with it than fuck it up just so He'll allow me to get rid of it.

In response He chuckled and said, "No. I'm just saying you can shave it off." He explained that every now and then He wants it to be there and then that desire is gone and He wants me to be clean shaven again. He also told me to go ahead and dress up for Him once I was done with my shower.

So off to the bathtub I went! I got myself all nice and clean, shaved my legs, and then started shaving my pussy. I don't know why but I did the strip last. And when I started I actually hesitated for a moment. There I was with the razor in my hand and looking down. I had already shaved a small piece of it away. But I literally had to replay His words in my mind that it was okay to shave it off before I could shave off the rest of it. No idea why. But it was like if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to continue.

I don't know if it's how my brain works because of my training, or if it's my paranoia of disappointing Him... I don't know. Both?

I did dress up for Him and I picked out an outfit that I hadn't worn in a long time. He enjoyed it. Although after we were done fucking I took it off and threw it away. It wasn't at His order or anything. It was just because it is one of those stretchy outfits and after a while they lose their stretchiness... This one had reached that point. Not all the way, but enough for it to annoy me. He agreed that it was that time. So into the garbage it went. Thankfully it wasn't an expensive piece. Then again I try not to spend a lot of money on lingerie. It's just going to rip or tear at some point anyway.. *laughs* As long as I look good in it He doesn't care. And most of them last a good long while.

Milestone

Yesterday was our anniversary. Unfortunately it wasn't eventful. There really wasn't anything we could do. We had things we wanted to do... but they just weren't feasible. *sad face* I mean it's our anniversary, it's not like we have to do anything. Anniversaries aren't about presents and all that. Hell, I didn't even want and/or expect a present. All I wanted was to be able to celebrate in some way.

But... we couldn't. Due to my being unemployed things are tight. Extremely tight. And as a result there wasn't anything we could really do to celebrate. So it was spent like any other day.

Am I mad? No.

Am I frustrated? Yes.

Am I disappointed? Yes.

Do I blame Him or myself? No.

I think I am more frustrated just by the simple fact that in the beginning of February I had requested three days off from work around our anniversary so we could celebrate. And I specifically planned it for a time when we would have a little money to celebrate with. Obviously those plans were made before I was fired. And once I was fired those plans were shot.

We have been together for eleven years now, seven of which we have been married. We decided to get married on our "normal" anniversary just to keep things nice and simple. Master made a photo album on the social media site we are on. Basically it is a collection of select photographs of us over the years. It was really sweet of Him and it was fun to look through.

I guess I'm just a bit down about the fact that there wasn't anything special I could do for Him. We didn't have the money for any kind of date night. We didn't have the money for anything to make the day at least a little special.

I'm not going to say this anniversary sucked. It is still a milestone in our marriage/relationship. So it can't suck. I will say that it sucked that we couldn't make it special and had to basically do what we do every day. Usually when things are tight I can pull something out of my ass and make it work, but with my not having a normal paycheck it's impossible. There was no robbing Peter to pay Paul this time.

Regardless, I am thankful that we have reached this milestone together. I know we have many more ahead of us. And I will be doing everything I can to make sure that next year we actually get to celebrate it.

Set Me Off

I would like to note that this is technically my post for 03/19/14. It will probably show as 03/20/14 but that's because it's past midnight. Master and I had been watching random things on Netflix and He was checking stuff out on the computer and about a half hour ago a light bulb went off above my head. "I still need to do my blog post." Once Master was done with what He had to do online He allowed me to hop on so I could do this post. 

We had some hot sex the other night. Well, it didn't start off hot. It started off with a bit of a mood killer, which we thankfully bounced back from rather quickly.

We had decided to watch a porno, which honestly we started watching simply because we were bored. But it did put us both in the mood so we headed to the bedroom. This is where the mood killer part comes in. I was on my back and when He got into bed next to me He pulled me to Him so that I was on my side. I didn't realize it at the time but He was leaning down to start chewing on my neck. My hair had ended up under His arm and it wasn't comfortable so I tried to move my head to try and pull at least some of my hair out from under His arm and ended up basically smashing the top of my head into His nose. I don't know how many times I apologized. I honestly did feel bad about it.

Once His nose stopped hurting He wrapped His arms around me and quickly rolled so that I was on my back again and He was on top of me, but His arms were still wrapped around me. I wasn't going anywhere. Not that I wanted to. He molested my tits for a long time before kneeling up and yanking on my legs so that I went down to where He was, rather than Him moving forward.

He rubbed the head of His cock along my slit, sometimes focusing on my clit. At the time I remember wondering if my clit hood piercing felt good against His cock while He was doing that. I didn't ask. I just enjoyed it.

Once He slipped inside of me He leaned forward and held me close to Him. After a couple of orgasms He knelt up again and lifted my ass up off the bed. I knew He was trying to go as deep as possible so I arched my back so my hips were pointed down, my entire back was off the bed and my head was pushed back. The only thing that was still touching the mattress was the top of my head and my shoulder blades. After I came again He lifted my legs up and put them over His shoulders.

He then pushed His upper body forward so I was basically bent in half. Another orgasm comes and goes. He sits back up so He is fully on His knees again and He takes my legs, keeps them bent at the knees, but puts my feet against His chest. He then grabbed my hips and bounced me off His cock. I was getting close to another orgasm when He said, "Set me off inside of you."

I immediately peaked into a very intense orgasm and as soon as I felt my pussy clench down for the first time I felt His cock start to throb as He enjoyed that sensation with me.

As we both floated back down from our orgasmic bliss He rested against me and we both caught our breath. Once He rolled off of me I flipped onto my stomach. Suddenly my lower back had become very uncomfortable. I am flexible, yes. But that doesn't mean that my body always agrees with it. But I never feel it during sex. I only ever feel it after the fact. He asked me if I was okay. I told Him that I was great, it was just my lower back. So He worked on it for a few minutes and it felt a lot better. It was mainly just stiff.

Scattered & Unorganized

Yesterday I started putting up some things on e-bay for my dad. At one point I had to stop and get a hold of him to see what he wanted me to do as I had forgotten to obtain that tiny bit of information before we left. He told me he would get back to me Monday (today). So I waited around, and around, and around. I didn't hear anything and I figured that I would just keep waiting. Maybe something came up, etc. and so on.

As a result I decided to get something else done. I had recently realized how much random paper work I had just.. well... everywhere. If it wasn't in the folder, it was in the junk drawer. If it wasn't in the folder or the junk drawer, it was in the safe. If it wasn't in the folder, of the junk drawer, or the safe it was in random stupid as hell places. Why? Because I hold onto every damn piece of paper that I think is important or at least might be important at a future time. I had just shuffled them around and shoving the paper work somewhere where I knew it wouldn't be destroyed. I never went through them because I was either too tired from work or I didn't feel like doing it on the weekends because damn it I wanted to relax. Master never touches any of it because that's my job. I'm "in charge" of such things. I'm using the term "in charge" very loosely. Basically, it's my task.

Since I didn't have anything better to do I did it today. I didn't realize how big of a project it would turn out to be. Holy shit.

I dug through all of the drawers, the safe, and the folder I keep for such things. I would say I was digging through nothing but paperwork for a good 30 to 40 minutes. And that was just trying to separate them into piles.

This paper work is for x... this paper work is for y... this paper work is for z... and this is the "Why the fuck did I keep this?!" pile of paperwork. Lets just say that the "why the fuck did I keep this" paper work pile continued to grow the more I went through things. I had been sitting on the living room floor doing all of this and the dog was looking at me like I was nuts and seemed a bit confused as to why the hell I was on the floor and taking up all of "his space". He thinks he owns the living room floor. *laughs*

I couldn't believe how random all of it seemed. For instance one of the piles of paper work that was actually important was pieced together from papers I had been keeping in three different places. Yeah. That was well organized. Pft. Finally I was able to make sense of it all and then put all the important paper work in neat little piles and putting them where they should be. Although the mountain of paper work that I have no idea why I kept wasn't done with me yet. Oh no. Some of it had sensitive information on it that I now had to go through and tear off each damn piece of paper. Then once that was done I had to rip those up so that you couldn't tell what the information was let alone what order they went in. Master was kind enough to help me with that part. I think he felt a little sorry for me after He saw how much I had just sorted out. Seriously though, the "why the fuck did I keep this" paper work pile ended up damn near filling a small garbage bag. That is insane. Master made fun of me for that. He told me that I am not a pack rat but that I am paper rat. I hold onto everything just in case... I found papers from 2009 that I didn't need at all and had no idea why I was holding onto it. That's pretty damn bad.

And of course in the middle of doing all this paper sorting my dad sent me a text message with the information I needed for his e-bay stuff. That irritated me a bit because I was already in the middle of this little project of mine only to be reminded that I had quite a bit of stuff to do for him as well. I honestly don't mind helping him out. I was only annoyed at the time. Not at him or that I am helping him... Just annoyed.

Yes, all of this over paper work and e-bay. I eventually got to the e-bay stuff later as once I was done with the whole paper work situation Master had some important things He had to take care of on the computer, which is probably a good thing because I don't think I would have been too patient while creating the listings at that exact point in time.

Although I am glad that I got that done. It was way over due and it was important. I feel like I got something accomplished. Now it is all where it should be. All I have to do is stay on top of it now.

Family

I talked to my dad a little bit yesterday. I was looking for an update on my grandfather. He gave me one... it wasn't a really good one but it wasn't a really bad one either. I guess the nurse that goes out there talked to my dad and told him that Grandpa isn't taking all of his medications and that the ones he is taking, he isn't taking properly. So Dad talked to Grandpa about it and to make a long story short, Grandpa basically said that he'll take the medications he wants to when he wants to. He then proceeded to say that it's been 20 years since he lost his wife (my grandmother) and he misses her and all he wants to do is be with her. He's tired. My dad told me that he isn't going to shove the pills down his throat and that Grandpa has always been a very stubborn man and once he puts his foot down about something there is no changing his mind. My father is the exact same way.

Grandpa is basically just doing what he has to and that is it. His mind and spirit are ready to let go but his body isn't. It's not like he isn't going to take care of something drastic, which is why he went to the ER that one day. But I think that is more due to his religious beliefs. He doesn't want to risk not going to heaven since he then wouldn't be with Grandma. He did make sure that my father knows that he has a DNR in order. My dad wanted to let me know as well so I'm not surprised by it. The nurse basically is saying that Grandpa will go sooner rather than later. She is stating within a month or two. That could be true or he could still be here this time next year. I don't think he wants to be though. I think if he passed away tomorrow he would be happy. That may sound horrible, but it's the truth.

I was doing okay after the conversation. At one point I did break down a little bit. I cried. I wasn't sobbing, but tears were rolling down my face. Master came over to me and held my hand until I calmed down a bit. I actually got myself under control faster than I normally do.

The other part of the conversation while we were on the phone my dad had mentioned that he wanted to come up this weekend but his back wasn't up to sitting in the car that long. Well shit.. I've been wanting out of the apartment so that was a good reason to do so.

Master and I went down there today. My dad had more things that he wanted to put up on e-bay, so we brought down the camera. Master took the pictures and I wrote everything down. I'll be putting all of that up tomorrow. We didn't get home until 6pm. That's not late at all, especially given the fact that I haven't been going to bed until 3am. I only went to bed at 2am last night because I was bored. But I wanted to keep it for tomorrow so I have something to do and also because I have to do some research on the items. It's going to be a bit of process. It'll take up a couple of hours tomorrow.

We had a good time at my dad's though. It's good to spend time with my dad right now. My dad and I are very close. Not in a typical father/daughter relationship fashion but still... we're close. He is more like one of my best friends that I can joke around with for hours at a time.

That sounds weird doesn't it? Yes, yes it does. It's going to be difficult for me when he moves out of state. I know I'll still be able to talk to him whenever I want, but I won't be able to take a short drive and see him whenever I want. I am very close to my parents. I am also very close with my mother, but it is more of a parent/friend mix of a relationship. My dad only really steps up to the parent role when it is needed. He has done that since I hit 18. Once I became an adult he has wanted to be my friend more than my parent. Which is fine. I'm used to it. I'm not holding that against him at all. It's just how he is.

He is dead set on moving though. His back is too bad. He can't handle the winters up here anymore. And where he would be moving their version of winter is closing down the city if there is a light dusting of snow and it doesn't get nearly as cold as it does up here. We'll be in the 20's up here and they'll have a 60°day. He was hoping to move before winter hits later this year, but he doesn't think that is going to be possible. Also, with the recent developments with Grandpa he said he would feel guilty if he moved before he passed away. I can understand that.

So... yep. That's all I have for now.

Dressing Slutty

Master and I were joking around a bit yesterday. It turned to sex due to something we were watching. I honestly don't remember what the fuck we were watching but I looked at Him and said, "So, am I getting laid later?" His response was priceless. "Well, that depends on how slutty you dress later." He then waggled His eyebrows and flicked His tongue at me. I had to laugh. He was only half joking though. I probably would have gotten fucked regardless, but I didn't want to take the chance. *winks*

I didn't want to just throw on a piece of lingerie and call it done. I wanted to be at least be a little creative with it. Right before I took my bath I went into the bedroom and dug through everything to find the items I wanted to piece together. Once I had all of it I took my bath and then got dressed.

I don't know why but when I try to get a bit creative with how I'm dressing up for Him I'm a little worried that He's going to walk into the bathroom and see me only half way done. I guess because I want to surprise Him with the finished product.

I did some light make-up first. I put on some eyeshadow, which I hardly ever do, and put on some lip gloss. I don't wear a lot of make-up and honestly hardly ever put it on unless we are going out on a date night or something. But I wanted to add that special little touch to it.

I then put on a top that only covers my tits and even then it's just barely. I tossed on a lace thong. It is an actual thong. It's not crotchless or anything. I almost never wear underwear. I find it uncomfortable. But when I'm wearing professional clothing I put some on. Why? I'm not sure. I just do. Anyway, I had recently purchased these. I bought them because they are lace and as a result do not bother me as much. In fact they are rather comfortable. I put them on because He had seen them on me when I undressed from the job interview I had and He had me spin around in just the thong and loved them. Once those two small pieces were on I put on leg warmers and heels. I pulled the bottom of the leg warmers over the top of the heels.

When I walked out into the living room He was sitting at the computer with His back to me. I walked up behind Him and kissed the top of His head and rested my arms on His shoulders. He asked me why I was standing behind Him, so I stepped into His line of vision. The look in His eyes let me know that He more than approved. He smacked my ass and asked me what I wanted to do. I had walked over to the couch and sat down. I smirked and said, "Well if I said I wanted to fuck You would say no because You want me to stay like this for a while." I don't remember His exact response but either way it led to the bedroom. Apparently He didn't mind jumping into bed right away. He told me to leave the heels on. (Sometimes He wants me to take them off.)

I got comfortable and He came to bed and immediately pulled me to Him. He chomped down on my neck and grabbed my ass. He chewed on my neck for a long time, all the while rubbing His hand all over my ass. The thong was still on but I think He liked feeling that on me.

He pushed me so that I was on my back. He started nipping the front of my neck as well. He commented on how easy it would be to make new holes in my flesh with His teeth. I whimpered but it got my juices flowing more than they already were. He pulled the top down and sucked, licked, bit, and chewed on my tits for a long time. As He was doing so I reached down and stroked His cock. I alternated between fulling stroking Him, just circling the head, gently running my fingers along His shaft, suddenly gripping Him at the base and just tried to keep it interesting and catch Him off guard as to what was going to happen next. By the sounds He was making it was working.

He suddenly sat up, taking His cock out of my reach and told me to slide up. I did as I was told. He gently took my thong off, while I moved my legs up and did my best to assist Him without using my hands. He dipped down and ate me out. After I came He knelt up and motioned for me to suck His cock. As I was doing my best to please Him with my mouth He leaned over, forced my legs apart and ran His fingers across my ass and pussy, spreading my own juices everywhere His fingers went.

Eventually He told me to stop and to get on my back. I again did as I was told, like a good girl. As soon as He entered me I lifted my right leg up, bending it at the knee so that He could go deeper. He groaned and nuzzled the side of my face. After a while I pulled my other leg up as well and bent it at the knee, wrapping my legs around Him.

It didn't take me long to feel the urge to cum starting to build up inside of me. I grabbed the heel of each shoe and pulled my legs up so my feet were up by the tops of His shoulders as He was laying on top of me. It's a damn good thing I'm flexible. He ordered me to cum. As I was in the middle of my orgasm, which seemed to go on forever, I felt His cock start to throb inside of me and heard that familiar growl start from deep within His throat, which just tipped me over the brink and His orgasm just made mine last longer.

After we were done He told me to go ahead and get undressed. So, I probably had the entire outfit on for about 20 minutes before we started fucking and only the thong had been removed before we fucked. Now, some people may think it was pointless to get dressed up in the first place, but not me. He was extremely pleased as was I. I was pleased because He was, and that's all that matters.

Ego

Master has a large ego. *laughs* I know.. a Dominant having a large ego?! Surely you jest! We joke about it all of the time. I tell Him that His ego is the size of the state we live in, if not larger. He tends to just nod His head and agree with me. Other times He'll mockingly look offended by it. Ya know, cause He's a smart ass.

The reason this is being brought up is because of Sunday night. We were both pretty revved up. We were both in the mood for rough sex. That's a pretty regular occurrence, obviously. What with His being a sadist and my being a masochist and all that. But this went a bit beyond the usual. This wasn't just some kink pain. No, He was going for literally making my pussy hurt to the point where I started cramping. I don't know if any other woman gets that or not. But I do. It doesn't happen a lot, but it does happen.

Normally He just wants to make me sore so that I'm swollen and taking a sharp breath when He thrusts into me. But this time He was seriously setting out to make it hurt, and hurt a lot. He flipped me onto my stomach to start and knelt behind me. As soon as He was balls deep inside of me He moved His knees up so that they were against my hips. I don't think He could have gotten any deeper without dislocating my hips. Immediately I hard to take in a very deep breath. It was very sudden and a shock to the system. I was wet, but not dripping wet just yet. Although that didn't take long at all.

And can I just take a moment and say how much I love the fact that He is clean shaven down there? I still have the landing strip but my pussy lips are of course clean shaven. And for whatever reason it was just highly noticeable to me that night. The way everything was just sliding against the other was just... delicious. It mixed very well with the pain.

He had grabbed my shoulders and was propping up His upper body while pinning me to the bed. It may sound odd that I was already in pain from being fucked that deep. He had basically "bottomed out" as soon as He moved His knees up, and each time He thrust His hips He was hitting that spot over, and over again. I loved it.

He ordered me to cum several times. Of course, I got more sensitive with each orgasm. He allowed me one final orgasm before telling me that I was now His toy. As soon as that orgasm ended He rolled onto His side, making sure to pull me with Him so He never slipped out. He crushed my upper body to Him and had my legs sticking straight down and remained just as deep as He was when I was on my stomach. I was starting to cramp. It had turned from delicious pain to the very beginnings of my cramping.

I didn't say anything because I knew that He was aiming for that result. Maybe not the cramping part but definitely more than just my being sore. He knew I was starting to cramp. I mean, how couldn't He? Especially when He's that deep inside of me. He asked me why it every time He makes me hurt like that I seem to want to coat His cock with my juices. Even though it hurt I couldn't help but giggle a bit and say, "I guess because I'm a sick bitch Master." He chuckled one of His very dark chuckles and said, "No, what's sick is how much I enjoy hurting you."

He asked me if it was starting to become a little too much. Before I could answer He followed up with telling me to be honest rather than trying to be a "bad ass" and prove that I could power through it. I told Him that yes, it was getting to be a bit much. So He took one of my legs and held it up a bit so He wasn't quite as deep. It still hurt but the cramping stopped.

It didn't take long after that before He had my stomach again, but this time He had one of my legs straight back and the other one bent at the knee and out from underneath His body. He knelt behind me again as He pumped in and out of me. I began to beg for His cum. I begged Him to coat me where it hurt. He growled and pushed forward as far as He possibly could. I took in a sharp breath and my eyes went wide, but I enjoyed every single second, ever single pulse of His cock.

Afterward He rested His lower body against me but kept His upper body propped up by His arms. He asked how I was doing. I simply said, "Amazing!" He laughed and said, "I know I was." See! There is that ego! Not that He was wrong.... but that's not the point. *smirks* He playfully smacked me on the ass and rolled off of me. He held me for a little while afterward. I was cum drunk, that's for damn sure.

I Wanna Fuck

Have you ever been horny for absolutely no reason at all? Nothing really triggers it sometimes. Today is a good example. We were just sitting around watching TV and once whatever episode of whatever show was done Master looked at me and asked me what I wanted to do. So I just took a few steps to where He was sitting, knelt at His side, wrapped my arms around Him and said, "I wanna fuck." He shook His head and said, "I don't even know why I asked."

He knows that sometimes it just hits me like a ton of bricks for absolutely no reason what so ever. And it had. So He told me to go to the bedroom and that He would be right there. I had just gotten comfortable when He walked in and got comfortable next to me.

He quickly pulled me onto my side and crushed me to Him. He chomped down on my neck and took His time chewing in one spot, then dragging His teeth down to where He wanted to bite down on next.

There are times where He bites me and it hurts like hell. It still hurts in a good way, but the pain is more of a shock to my system. And then there are times, like today, where it just causes me to moan and helps me float off into nothing but sensation. Everything else is pretty much blocked out.

The sex was rough and deep. The only hiccup was when one or both of us moved and suddenly my clit hood piercing moved way wrong. Ow. It took me a moment to recover. It was not a good kind of pain. Master didn't stop but He did make sure I was okay and moved so that there wasn't any pressure on it. It didn't ruin anything, thankfully.

He allowed me to cum several times including when He was about to get off. Right before my orgasm hit me full force I felt His cock start to throb as His orgasm peaked, which just sent me over the brink. It was amazing.

After we were done and we were laying next to one another I didn't want to move except to stretch. Master had His arm resting against my stomach and I was just so damn comfortable. We stayed like that for about five minutes, then He told me to get up and go to the living room. I grumbled a little bit and He just chuckled and told me to stop pouting.

Inner Night Owl

Well, I got some good news today... or yesterday... whatever. I'm making this post a little after midnight. I called unemployment to see if they had made a decision on whether or not I was approved for unemployment and I was! I'm honestly amazed at how nice people are on the unemployment assistance line. I don't know why I thought they would be dicks but so far everyone I have talked to has been extremely helpful and pleasant to speak with. Last week was what they call a "wait week", which basically means that I will not be receiving a payment for that week. It was my first full week of being unemployed. However, once I file my weekly claim this upcoming Sunday I should receive a payment early next week. That took a lot off of my mind. Last night I had gone to bed earlier than I have been since being fired and it was because my stomach was upset. I didn't feel sick and I didn't really understand why my stomach felt like it was doing flips so I figured I would just sleep it off.

This morning when I woke up and after I called unemployment it dawned on me that it was because I realized I wouldn't be getting a paycheck next Friday. Never mind I know that I'm no longer working and have been sitting at home for the past two weeks. I'm not sure why all of a sudden my brain decided to bring that to my attention. I told Master about it. He said I am to tell Him such things when they happen and I quickly explained that I didn't even know why my stomach felt like that until this morning. He understood since that does happen to me from time to time. I hate that about myself but there isn't much I can do about it.

At least now I know for sure that I will be getting the unemployment rather than sitting here for three weeks, like they had originally quoted me, before finding out their decision. It feels like a giant weight being lifted off of my shoulders.

Since I have been fired I noticed that my inner night owl is in high gear. I haven't been going to bed any earlier than 2am. The latest I've stayed up is about 4:30am. I figure that I don't really have any reason to go to bed at a half way decent time and Master is no longer enforcing a bed time since I no longer have a 45 minute drive waiting for me in the morning.

I can do my job searches at any point, as well as apply to jobs, so there is really no need for me to get up at 6am every day. *shrugs* Then again I'm not really sleeping in all that late given what time I'm going to bed. And if I need to get up to do something I still set the alarm and get up. No biggie. I've always said that I'm a night owl and this just proves it. Oddly enough I'm still hoping for a first shift job. I'm applying to second shift jobs as well. I haven't seen any third shift jobs that I would qualify for though. Other wise I'd apply to those as well.

Aside from running the errands that need to be done, doing the normal daily stuff, and applying to jobs I have just been trying to keep my mind busy. I have quickly realized that I don't have any real hobbies. I never had time for them before. And now that I do have time I can't really think of anything I want to do. Apparently I'm rather fucking boring. Who knew.

I read one of the books we have. We have quite a few actually, and there is one that I haven't read all of the way. But I don't really feel like reading it. In fact, once I was done with the one I just finished I didn't really feel like reading any of the books we have. *shrugs* Not sure why.

Really, the only "hobby" I've had is coding and tweaking code. I don't have anything to do that with except this blog. And I just tweaked some of the coding with this blog not that long ago. And I like the way it is. So... that's out. Master doesn't blog anymore and hasn't for at least two years now.. probably longer... so there is no need to code anything for Him. There is no need for me to create a new blog as this one covers everything.

As a result I'm basically filling the free time I do have with watching things on Netflix and You Tube. I also check my social media stuff and play little mini games on my cell phone.

Gas prices are high and since the income has now dropped significantly it's not like I can just go for a drive and it's not nice enough out yet to go for a walk or just sit outside. Even though I hate hearing our neighbors and there isn't really much to do on the porch I would love to just sit outside for a while. I would also love to go on long walks with Master and our mutt.

My dad did say that he wants to come up in a couple of weeks, so that will be something to break up the routine a bit. My brother also stated that he wants to come up sometime soon, he just doesn't know when it will be feasible.

My mother-in-law wants us to come down to visit but as I pointed out, the gas prices are not allowing that. My sister-in-law stated that I should enjoy the down time. I guess I see where she is coming from since I had been wanting an extended break from work, but not like this. And the stress levels are making it pretty impossible to actually enjoy the down time. I don't really find being unemployed enjoyable. I know she meant well though. It's not like I'm mad about it or anything.

*sigh* Oh well. I've rambled on here enough for now.

Updates

I'm officially 31 now. Hooray or something. I got a lot of happy birthdays on the social media site I'm on. My mom called me to say happy birthday and a little later in the day so did my father.

I got fucked as soon as Master woke up, so that was a nice morning quickie. The rest of the day, aside from phone calls, was pretty much uneventful. That is until we went out to dinner. We couldn't quite afford the place we had originally been thinking of like I thought we could. But that's okay. We went to a different one and the food was still really good and we had a good time sitting there talking for a while. We didn't stay long after we were done eating, like we normally do. I had a pressure headache creeping up on me and I didn't want it turning into a migraine. And of course I hadn't brought any advil with me. Normally I have some in my purse. I still enjoyed it though.

I got a back massage from Master while we were watching a movie and then I worked on His for a little while. So like I said it was rather uneventful but I still enjoyed it. I'm not complaining at all.

I am finding it harder and harder to find ways to keep myself entertained now that I'm unemployed. It hasn't even been a full two weeks yet. Well, tomorrow it will be. I've been doing job searches, obviously. I'm keeping track of them in an excel sheet for unemployment purposes. I haven't heard anything from them yet. The lady I spoke to last week said it could take up to three weeks. But I have decided I'm going to call once a week just to see what's going on. I'm not very good at sitting back and waiting to see how things pan out.

I had to pay cash for my medication yesterday. I don't have health insurance anymore, obviously. I'm signing up for a program via the medicine manufacturer. But that won't kick in for a while. I can't afford to not take my pills. I don't even know what kind of mess I'd be. I don't know if there is any kind of withdrawal from it since it is a drug that builds up in your system. I think my stress levels at that point would eat me from the inside.

I was getting my medicine, when I had health insurance, from Walgreens. So I called them and asked them how much it would cost for one month in cash. $180.00. Are you fucking serious? This is for the generic for crying out loud. I would hate to know what they would charge for the name brand. My mom told to call the Pick N Save pharmacy to see what they charged. So I did. Yeah... hell of a difference. For the same fucking pills it was $25.00 for a month supply. Holy fucking shit. I transferred my prescription over there immediately.

Like I said though I have no idea what kind of fresh hell I'd be mentally put through if I didn't have my medication. I think I'd be mush at this point. I'm dealing pretty well with the whole being unemployed thing and the stress that comes with it while on my medication. Don't get me wrong, the stress is there. Believe me. But I'm not letting it turning me into a sobbing mess in the corner of a dark room. I'm okay actually. But without the meds I think I would literally not want to get out of bed. I don't think I'd have any motivation of any kind what so ever. That's all guess work, but given how my I reacted to things in the past while depressed, I think that is a pretty accurate guess.

I'm just lucky to have the support system that I do. Hopefully something will pan out soon.

Now, for an update on my grandfather..

Apparently the information we received from my uncle was wrong. When I got a hold of my father it was all straightened out. Yes, his heart beat was at 155 and they had to knock him out, shock him, and wake him up in order to get it regular again. His organs were not attacking themselves. His heart was enlarged and out of place due to the swelling.

His insurance wouldn't cover much more of a stay so he was sent home last Saturday. His neighbors are constantly checking in on him. Our family members call him several times a day. He has a nurse and a physical therapist going out there once a day... etc...

We have him as closely monitored as we can without someone actually moving in with him, which he will not allow.

His doctor did remind my father than his last surgery was 15 years ago, and at that time they stated that after that surgery they wouldn't be able to do anything else. And they stand by that. From this point forward all they can do is what they just did (shock his heart to get it to go to a normal rhythm) or just make him comfortable. His body cannot handle another surgery.

My dad says he has a really bad feeling deep down in his gut. He had this same exact feeling about three weeks before my grandmother passed away. At this point we can't do anything but wait to see how Grandpa's heart holds out. That's all we can do so that's all we're doing.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 31. Hooray. Seriously though I don't care that I'll be 31. It's no different than when I turned 30, or 29, or 28... etc. I'm not one of those girls who really cares about my age. I'll say the same thing when I turn 40. I don't care.

And I never really want anything for my birthday. Not that long ago my mother had taken me dress clothes shopping and counted that as part of my birthday present, which was awesome! When she said "part of" I told her that she didn't need to get me or give me anything else. I was more than happy with what she had just done. I figured that was that. No biggie. Well, over this past weekend I went down to visit her for a while. And of course she didn't listen. She ended up giving me some birthday money as well.

She stood there with the money in her hand and looked me in the eye as she said, "This is not for you to use for the household. This is not something to use for bills. This is for something you want." Basically she didn't want me to spend it on necessities. She understands that I'm unemployed and all that but she also wants me to use the money for a little splurge as I never, ever do that. Even when I was working I never really bought anything for myself. That's just how I am.

I'm so bad at spending money on myself (unless it's for a tattoo) that I have literally been trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to use the money on since she gave it to me. I'm not kidding. I would think of something and then have to throw that idea away because it was something that fell under a need rather than a want.

We went down to the store and tried finding a movie or something that I would like to watch and own. We couldn't find anything. I would see something and go, "Yeah I liked the movie but not enough to own it." Or it would be something I had never seen before and didn't want to waste money on in case I didn't like it.

We came home empty handed. I apologized to Master for dragging Him out of the house when it was so cold out but He said it wasn't a big deal at all. I apologize for some weird shit, let me tell ya. Normally it's for something out of my control or something that isn't my fault. I'm fucked up like that.

I was disappointed because I kind of felt like I would just end up spending the money on something needed for the household simply because I couldn't think of a damn thing I wanted. And that would piss my mom off. And Master wouldn't have been too happy about it either.

Once we got home I finally figured out what I wanted. I wanted a date night with my Husband. It's something I want and it's something we haven't done in a very, very long time. There aren't any movies out in theaters that either of us want to see, so we'll be just going out to dinner. It may sound stupid, but Master and I haven't had a date night in I can't tell you how long and I'm not sure when we'll be able to any time soon simply because of finances. So, using my birthday money for it makes perfect sense.

We'll probably go a little earlier than we would normally eat at home, like we normally do. And since it'll be a Tuesday night it shouldn't be very busy. I already picked out where we are going and Master seemed very pleased by it because He loves the restaurant. I'm looking forward to it.

Yes, we could have just gone tonight but I really want to do it on my actual birthday.

Broken Record

Yesterday was the last day my insurance was valid so I was glad that I could squeeze in one last appointment with my shrink. We spoke about ways to keep my medication going without costing me an arm and a leg. He gave me some paperwork so I can contact the manufacturer of the medication. They have a program where you can get the medicine at no cost if you qualify. Well, since I just lost my job and I no longer have insurance, my shrink thinks I have a pretty good chance at getting it. He had already filled out his portion, which had to include a six month prescription. So now all I have to do is fill out my portion and mail it in. My shrink told me to come see him again in six months. He didn't make a set appointment with me because we both wanted to see when I would find a job and have insurance kick in so we know what insurance is and is not going to cover. Basically he told me to call once it gets close to the six month and we'll go from there.

Master had read my blog post from two nights ago and He said He isn't surprised by how well I'm handling everything. He said He is proud of me though. That made me feel good.

Even though I'm not going to bed until about 3am each night I still have this feeling like I have to get up to go to work. For instance, it's Saturday and I feel like I have to get up at 6am on Monday. Obviously I don't. Hopefully it won't stay like that for long. Hopefully I'll have a new job in the very near future.

I'm tossing out my resume like it's going out of style. I hadn't heard anything from the place that I had an interview at on Monday. They had said they would have a decision by the end of the week. I was staring at my phone all day willing it to ring. Nothing.

I was disappointed but part of me is still holding out hope. That may be stupid, but I don't care. So last night I sent an e-mail to the person I had the interview with and basically thanked her for the interview and professionally inquired as to whether or not a decision had been made regarding the job. My mother had suggested that I called and asked, but I thought an e-mail would be better. It just seemed more professional to me for some reason. I guess maybe I feel that it isn't as bothersome to the other person? Also, I don't have to worry about playing phone tag.

I know this blog has been all about work, unemployment, etc and so on. But honestly that's all that has been swimming around in my head since last Thursday. I'm sure it's boring to read but writing about it is helping me in a way. I guess it just acts as something to blurt it out on so I'm not keeping it in my brain or sounding like a completely broken record when talking to people. Instead, I can be a broken record on my blog.