March 5, 2014


I'm officially 31 now. Hooray or something. I got a lot of happy birthdays on the social media site I'm on. My mom called me to say happy birthday and a little later in the day so did my father.

I got fucked as soon as Master woke up, so that was a nice morning quickie. The rest of the day, aside from phone calls, was pretty much uneventful. That is until we went out to dinner. We couldn't quite afford the place we had originally been thinking of like I thought we could. But that's okay. We went to a different one and the food was still really good and we had a good time sitting there talking for a while. We didn't stay long after we were done eating, like we normally do. I had a pressure headache creeping up on me and I didn't want it turning into a migraine. And of course I hadn't brought any advil with me. Normally I have some in my purse. I still enjoyed it though.

I got a back massage from Master while we were watching a movie and then I worked on His for a little while. So like I said it was rather uneventful but I still enjoyed it. I'm not complaining at all.

I am finding it harder and harder to find ways to keep myself entertained now that I'm unemployed. It hasn't even been a full two weeks yet. Well, tomorrow it will be. I've been doing job searches, obviously. I'm keeping track of them in an excel sheet for unemployment purposes. I haven't heard anything from them yet. The lady I spoke to last week said it could take up to three weeks. But I have decided I'm going to call once a week just to see what's going on. I'm not very good at sitting back and waiting to see how things pan out.

I had to pay cash for my medication yesterday. I don't have health insurance anymore, obviously. I'm signing up for a program via the medicine manufacturer. But that won't kick in for a while. I can't afford to not take my pills. I don't even know what kind of mess I'd be. I don't know if there is any kind of withdrawal from it since it is a drug that builds up in your system. I think my stress levels at that point would eat me from the inside.

I was getting my medicine, when I had health insurance, from Walgreens. So I called them and asked them how much it would cost for one month in cash. $180.00. Are you fucking serious? This is for the generic for crying out loud. I would hate to know what they would charge for the name brand. My mom told to call the Pick N Save pharmacy to see what they charged. So I did. Yeah... hell of a difference. For the same fucking pills it was $25.00 for a month supply. Holy fucking shit. I transferred my prescription over there immediately.

Like I said though I have no idea what kind of fresh hell I'd be mentally put through if I didn't have my medication. I think I'd be mush at this point. I'm dealing pretty well with the whole being unemployed thing and the stress that comes with it while on my medication. Don't get me wrong, the stress is there. Believe me. But I'm not letting it turning me into a sobbing mess in the corner of a dark room. I'm okay actually. But without the meds I think I would literally not want to get out of bed. I don't think I'd have any motivation of any kind what so ever. That's all guess work, but given how my I reacted to things in the past while depressed, I think that is a pretty accurate guess.

I'm just lucky to have the support system that I do. Hopefully something will pan out soon.

Now, for an update on my grandfather..

Apparently the information we received from my uncle was wrong. When I got a hold of my father it was all straightened out. Yes, his heart beat was at 155 and they had to knock him out, shock him, and wake him up in order to get it regular again. His organs were not attacking themselves. His heart was enlarged and out of place due to the swelling.

His insurance wouldn't cover much more of a stay so he was sent home last Saturday. His neighbors are constantly checking in on him. Our family members call him several times a day. He has a nurse and a physical therapist going out there once a day... etc...

We have him as closely monitored as we can without someone actually moving in with him, which he will not allow.

His doctor did remind my father than his last surgery was 15 years ago, and at that time they stated that after that surgery they wouldn't be able to do anything else. And they stand by that. From this point forward all they can do is what they just did (shock his heart to get it to go to a normal rhythm) or just make him comfortable. His body cannot handle another surgery.

My dad says he has a really bad feeling deep down in his gut. He had this same exact feeling about three weeks before my grandmother passed away. At this point we can't do anything but wait to see how Grandpa's heart holds out. That's all we can do so that's all we're doing.


  1. Re grandfather: 155 sounds like a VT, and you're also describing hypertrophy. Getting shocks over and over again is also not great for him.

    If he's not well enough to get an ICD, he might be eligible for ablation. Its an outpatient procedure that cures VT for some patients.

  2. The doctor states that he has congenital heart disease. I don't know all of the medical terms that have been used over the years as far as all of his surgeries and other medical treatments he has had. (They started when I was quite young.) He does have an ICD but it didn't do any good this time. He still had the abnormally high heart rate that they then had to shock him for. Also, the lower portion of his heart has not worked in literally years. He has had at least three surgeries over the years for the issues he is having with his heart. They only shocked his heart this last time because they couldn't bring it down chemically and the ICD wasn't doing it's job. It was basically a last ditch effort to get it to go back to normal. Thankfully it worked this time. I appreciate your comment, however unfortunately the doctors are stating that after this there is literally nothing else they can do without doing more harm than good.

  3. Happy Birthday.