Ended on a High Note

Yesterday started off a little shaky. When I woke up I no longer felt sick to my stomach. I felt a little weak and my lower back and hips were really bothering me. I was actually limping a little bit. It wasn't so much pain as it was a lot of stiffness. But I didn't want to cancel our plans. My stomach was a bit better so I figured why cancel anything? I can limp for a while.

Master and I were just about to head out to go to my mother's when, for some reason, Master decided to check His e-mail one last time. It's a damn good thing He did. His mother had sent Him an e-mail stating that she wanted to reschedule our coming over for dinner because I hadn't been feeling well. Never mind He had already told her that I was feeling better. Master thinks that it had more to do with her simply changing her mind more than anything else. After all, that's classic her. Never mind what everyone else is doing. Either you drop everything you are doing and do what she wants or she'll cancel at the last minute and then wonder why you get mad when she doesn't have a good reason.

That ticked Him off. I was ticked off too. What would have happened if Master hadn't checked His e-mail? We would have hauled our asses out to her place just for her to send us home and give us attitude about it. Anyway, the visit at my mom's went well. We were there for about 2 1/2 hours.

Master worked on my back and while it helped some the stiffness was still very noticeable. I wasn't really limping anymore but it was still really bothering me. I took my shower and Master had told me to dress up for Him. So after my shower I put on some lingerie and He seemed very pleased.

We had just gotten back a movie we had loaned out. We hadn't watched it in quite a while so we decided to pop it in. We are still kind of excited about having a 42inch flat screen TV. Never mind we've had it for close to a year now. But with certain movies, like the one we were watching, it makes a huge difference.

So Master said, "Movie night?" I got all excited. Yes please!" It was a bit later so it was completely dark out. Movie night basically means we get comfortable and watch a movie with all the lights out so it kind of feels like you're at a movie theater. And with a larger TV it just heightens the experience. I love it when we do movie night.

After the movie was done I asked Master if He wanted to go fool around. We hadn't had sex in about a week. I was very horny but I was also very docile. I wanted to be used. It would fulfill both of my immediate needs, if Master would allow it. He told me that He would meet me in the bedroom. So I laid on my stomach and waited for Him to come to bed. He asked me what my mood was and I told Him. He was more than happy to use me as His fuck doll.

He knew that I was still really stiff and couldn't be turned into a pretzel. He kept me on my stomach and entered me. Eventually He turned us both on our sides and held me close to Him. I was moaning a lot. Like I said it had been a little over a week since we last had sex so I was worked up rather easily. After a while He put me back on my stomach and pinned me down. He had one hand in the middle of my lower back and His other hand right on my tail bone. Now, you would think that with how stiff I was all day that this would be painful, especially when He was doing that to balance Himself so there was quite a bit of pressure applied. But it wasn't at all. In fact I hadn't noticed the stiffness in my lower back at all the entire time He was fucking me. It just all felt so damn good.

After He filled me and we decided to head back into the living room I realized that my lower back and hips weren't stiff at all anymore. Sometimes that amount of pressure is all that is needed. And I sure in the hell can't complain of the reason why the pressure was applied. I love it when He pins me down.

We stayed up a while longer before we both went to bed and curled up. He got up before I did this morning so around 11:30am Master slipped under the covers with me and pulled me close and nuzzled me awake. I think my body was still trying to balance itself out otherwise I don't think I would have slept that late. When I woke up I nuzzled His arm and smiled. I then gently pushed back so my ass was right up against His cock and then rotated my hips a little bit. He kissed my neck and quickly entered me. He used me again and I loved it.

So yesterday ended on a very high note and today started off wonderfully. And it has been a really great day. We've watched some Netflix. We took the dog for a walk and got an errand done along the way. It's just been very relaxing and I've greatly enjoyed it. I hope the rest of the night goes by extremely slowly and maybe, just maybe, if I'm lucky Master will allow me to stay up late.

Damn Stomach

Yesterday I woke up feeling fine. I was so happy that it was my half day Friday. When I got home Master and I relaxed for a little bit before I called my dad to see when we could come over. We had made plans to visit him but just hadn't totally locked down a specific time because my dad wasn't entirely sure what time he would be home. We left here around 1:30pm or so and made pretty good time getting down there.

We had a good time and I think we left there around 5:30pm or so. Master and I had already decided that I would drop Him off at home so He could take care of the dog and I would go get Taco Bell for dinner. Well, that was the original plan.

About 10 minutes away from home I started to not feel well. And it went from not feeling well to feeling like I was going to be sick. So I told Master I would come in with Him just to make sure I wouldn't get sick while I was driving.

Yeah.. I ended up getting sick several times. Obviously there was no Taco Bell in our future. I felt very light headed and still sick to my stomach and I didn't want to eat anything at all. But Master made me eat some bread to try and help soak up some of the stomach acid and because He didn't want my blood sugar dropping too much. I asked if I could go lay down. When I get sick like that my body wants to shut itself off until I basically am over it.

I got sick one more time before going to lay in bed. But I felt like I couldn't get warm let alone comfortable. My entire body ached from getting sick. I tossed and turned in bed for about an hour because I said fuck it, I can't fall asleep anyway. So I went into the bathroom and ran a really hot bath and climbed in.

When I got out I laid down on the couch and Master made me eat some more bread and then ran down to the gas station to get me some Sprite. I fell asleep on the couch waking up for short periods of time. I woke up all the way just in time for Master to tell me that He was going to bed. I stayed up for about a half hour and then joined Him.

I was really upset about not feeling well last night. I had hoped that we would come home from my dad's, watch movies, goof around, and then fuck. But no... my body decided to fuck all that up. And I still don't understand what the hell all of that was about anyway.

This morning my lower back and hips are still bothering me and so is my head. I think that's mainly from sleeping so much and getting stiff/a headache from it. My stomach feels better. I'm not going to push it though.

And today we are visiting my mom before going over to His mother's house for dinner. Master already sent her a message stating that I'll need something bland to eat. I'll just have to wait and see where my stomach is. Hopefully I'll feel 100% better by mid afternoon and that I'm absolutely fine tomorrow. Master and I have the day to oursevles tomorrow.

On The Fence

I don't know why this thought ran through my head but it did. So I am posting about it.
I've never really been one about labels. Mainly because I feel like I straddle a few. I don't fit into just one. At least not in my mind. Partially because I don't want to just be stuck as one thing. I know that probably doesn't make a lot of sense. There are a lot of labels I could put under. Some of them highly obvious.

Submissive. And even then it is only with Master. I do not have a generally submissive personality. In fact I can be a pretty big bitch and a sarcastic one at that.

Another one is a rocker chick. That one I fit almost perfectly into. I love my rock/hard rock/heavy metal music. There is something about it. And I can always, always, find a song that fits my mood if I happen to have one.

Obviously I'm a tattoo chick. And not a "I want a cute little unicorn." *shudders* I do have four butterflies but they surround a tribal piece on my left calf. I like other forms of body modification, such as piercings.

Currently I have both nipples pierced and a vertical clit hood piercing. I used to have more. I used to have my eyebrow and my tongue pierced. I ended up having to take the eyebrow piercing because the jobs I was looking at didn't allow facial piercings. My tongue ring I just took out because it was beginning to annoy me more than anything. I will admit that I miss my eyebrow piercing. But again, I can't have facial piercings. I had told Master at one point that I wanted a septum piercing. I think it would look awesome with the right jewelry. Master considered it for a little while but turned it down. I thought I could get away with it even at work since I could just flip up the jewelry.

Another label that some people may put me under is gothic. I'm not. Not even close. I may like some of the things that are typically associated with it. I love black clothing. I've actually wanted to die my hair black with thin steaks of dark red. Master shot that down as well. He said that He doesn't think I would look good with black hair.

I don't really get mad when He shuts that kind of thing down. I'm disappointed but I already know that once He has put His foot down there is no wiggle room. I can't try to make a case. I sometimes can if He hasn't made a final decision yet.

I think the other reason why people tend to associate me with the gothic label is because I am a morbid person. I love almost anything with a skull on it. Hell Master and I have a small statue next to our wedding picture of two skeletons sitting next to one another on a bench. One is wearing a tux and the other is wearing a wedding dress. And it says "Love Never Dies". My dad gave that to us not that long ago and I love it.

Master sometimes picks on me because I have no skull or death themed tattoos. Trust me, I've thought about it. But the only ones I think would make a great tattoo are too masculine to look right on me. So I've never gotten one placed on my skin. I would love to. But all the more "feminine" ones I've seen I don't like. At all. If I found the absolutely perfect one... then maybe. However, I do not see that happening. Plus that would put me over my 13 tattoo limit. I really want that one I had posted about before in regards to making fun of myself about being bipolar. But then again Master still thinks I'll go over 13. I'll find something else and some how some way figure out where to put it. *laughs* He is normally right.. but on this one? I'm not 100% on that. I want to stop at 13 so I can stick with the number I've always had in my head. But on the other hand I don't want to at one point find something I really, really want and know the perfect spot for it and have to tell myself that I can't because I already reached 13.

So yeah, those are some of the categories I fit under. I know there are more but like I said I feel like I straddle all of them.

Progress

Today was just one of those days where I was busting my tail but felt like I didn't get a damn thing done. I still didn't let it stress me out though. I just took it as it came and took a deep breath if I had to. I'm not trying to sound all melodramatic or anything like that. It's just that I think it is in my best interest to remain as stress free as possible until the upped dosage of my medication has time to build up in my system.

So I am. Both Master and my mother have noticed quite a difference from it as well. I haven't seen my mom but I've talked to her over the phone and she says I sound a lot better. And Master seems more relaxed around me. Not that He was stand offish, He was just protective I guess is the way to put it. It was like He was on alert all the time. That is dialed down a few notches already so I must be doing really well.

I do feel like the whole taking a breather and not stressing myself out too badly is helping a lot. I feel better and I'm not anxious or upset when I walk out to the car after work. My day may have sucked, like today did, but I just let it roll off my back. 

Once I got home we watched Iron Man 3. Holy fucking hell did that movie suck. A lot. There were a few moments that were funny and/or interesting but they were few and far between. So yeah. We won't be watching that again.

Other than the whole bipolar thing and watching a stupid as hell movie I don't really have a lot to say tonight. I'm feeling a little tired. Well, not tired really. Just sore and as a result moving a little slower and feeling a little run down.

Humming

No more images today, thankfully. I remember still being a little tense last night when I went to bed. Not because it had happened again but just because that is very jarring. And so I was a little on edge. I was sleeping on and off and tossing and turning. Only going to sleep just long enough for me to open my eyes again and look at the clock and realize I had only been asleep for about 20 to 30 minutes. But then I felt Master get into bed. I remember that I wasn't really awake when this happened. I remember whimpering a little bit. Only because I wasn't all the way awake and suddenly I felt movement on the bed. Then I woke up enough to realize that Master was slipping into bed next to me, so I laid back down. Once I was laying on my side Master put His arm around me and gently pulled me to Him. I immediately relaxed and didn't wake up again until my alarm went off. All I needed was to be held. It's amazing how much that can help.

I left Master my usual morning note letting Him know how I'm doing. I told Him that I hadn't had any further images and that I would send Him another message on my lunch break.

The work day was stressful but when I started to feel a little overwhelmed I just did some deep breathing and eventually just started softly humming to myself in order to keep myself distracted and calm. That actually helped a lot more than I thought it would.

On my lunch break I sent Master another message, like I said I would, and told Him that everything was still "normal". No more images.

The rest of the work day was more of the same and I was still fine. No images. No thoughts. The rest of the night has been equally relaxed as far as that goes. Of course I feel better because I'm at home. But I'm glad that no more images happened today. I know part of it is because I allow myself to feel overwhelmed. I have a feeling that has at least a little to do with it. But nothing today. I may keep trying that soft humming thing. As long as it doesn't bother anyone and it helps, why not?

Here We Go Again

Remember a little while ago when I made a post about me seeing images that weren't so pleasant? I had those again today. They aren't as... bad? Well, I'll put it this way... They weren't borderline suicidal thoughts they were "only" thoughts of me hurting myself. Again it was really images rather than just thoughts.

I just saw my shrink two Fridays ago and everything was fine after he upped my medication dosage. No more images after that. Then it happens again today. Not as "bad" like I said but still disturbing. I wanted to cry because I don't understand why they came back. So I called Master and told Him. I couldn't really go into detail because I was on my work phone. He understood what I was saying though and I told Him that I already called my doctor but he wasn't available for my call. They told me he would call me back.

So I went on lunch and talked to my mom for a while. She told me it would be okay, just like Master did. Master and my mom, when it comes to me and my health, make one hell of a tag team, let me tell ya. It's really nice to know that I have that kind of support system. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't take something like this to show me that I have this support system. I have always known that. My mom did suggest to me that I leave work a little early and go home, where I feel safe. Master agreed. So I decided I would leave work one hour early. I know it doesn't sound like a lot but it's all I could really afford to take.

Well, by the time I got back from lunch my doctor still hadn't called me back. I called his office again and again he was not available but he had been told about my phone call and would call me back when he could. Around 3pm he called me back. I told him what was going on and he said that he was glad they weren't as bad but he believes that it is because the upped dosage hasn't had time to fully build up in my system yet. This kind of medication has be built up in the system for a while in order to take effect. He said it could take up to a month to a month and a half. He did tell me that since the images aren't as "extreme" this time it was a good sign.

So for now all I am to do is to keep taking the upped dosage of my medication so that it has more time to build up in my system.

When I got home I told Master about it and then called my mother and told her. They were both in agreement that what my shrink had said made sense and was the best course of action. I feel better knowing that.

My mom did tell me that she thinks some of it is due to my extreme stress at work. Not to mention my worrying about what happens if I were to lose my job. She told me that if they really want me gone, they will look for any reason and no matter what I do it'll happen. So why should I stress about something I have no control over? They company is starting to fail and they know that. So they are trying to thin out the employees and since I've been with them for 4 1/2 years I am making more than most of the people in my department, even though I honestly do not make a lot.

She is basically trying to make me realize that I can't control it and so all I can do is what I can do. Other than that just keep applying to other jobs, which I have been.

I know part of it is my working myself up and my system is having problems coping with it. And as a result, maybe that's part of why the images come. Obviously my medication dosage is/was a part of it. But medication is not a cure all. And these are very, very new experiences so the tie in cannot be ignored.

I have felt better since I got home and had longer talks with both my Master and my mother. I don't know what I would do without them.

Not Much

Yesterday Master and I were trying to think of something to do. There wasn't much to do, like usual. Basically anytime we don't have family things go on there isn't much at all going on. We have drifted away from our neighbors. Every day spend here is another day we spend not wanting to be here. And so, as a result, we've pulled away from everyone around here pretty much. We're still nice. Like we say hi and all that but aside from those small polite things, we don't really have contact.

Plus, this summer has been way to fucking hot out to really be sitting outside for long. And now that today is the first day of Fall I'm hoping it will be nice enough to sit out. I would love to sit outside comfortable and cuddled up a little bit and enjoying the Fall weather.

But yesterday it was dreary out. So even sitting outside didn't really seem like a good idea. So, like I said, Master and I were trying to think of something to do. Out of no where a thought popped out of my head. And it may sound stupid... but I suggested that we go down to the store and look through their $5 dvd bins.

Like I said it sounds stupid but we love watching movies and haven't bought any new ones anymore. So we went. We ended up finding four movies. Well, technically only two discs but each of them have two movies on them.

We ended up buying one DVD set of the two new Clash of the Titan movies. Master is more into them than I am but they are still pretty good movies. The other one is kind of an odd mix but we really like both movies so we bought it. One of the movies on that disc is Virus and the other one is Shocker. We watched all of them except for Shocker yesterday. So we pretty much killed the afternoon by having a movie marathon. It was nice.

Sometimes just sitting at home and doing a movie marathon is a lot of fun and enjoyable in general. We discussed the movies and joked around on and off while watching them. It was relaxing.

Love & Passion

For as long as I can remember, since I started liking boys, I've always had an idea of what kind of guy I wanted to be with. I decided what my "type" was basically. And I had decided a few things. I wanted someone older than me. I've always found people my own age to be annoying as hell. More so when I was a teenager. But I also knew that I didn't want to go past a 10 year age gap. I still wanted the ability to enjoy the same things, such as music and movies. Those are only a couple of examples. I felt as if I went past that 10 year age gap that possibility would get smaller and smaller. I also wanted someone tall. I wanted someone with ink. I wanted someone funny. I wanted a bad boy that treated me right. I know that sounds cliche but that's how I honestly felt. I wanted someone who could protect me even though I can take care of myself. I wanted someone who accept me for me because I know I'm a bit morbid and quirky. Quirky probably doesn't even come close to it, but that's the only word I can think of right now. I'm odd.

I basically wanted a bad ass mother fucker that I could connect with on all levels across the board and  fall deeply in love with.

I never had that in any of my previous relationships. Then again when I met Master I was only 20 years old. So literally every single relationship prior to that was teenager bullshit. And I was also mistreated in past relationships. So I also had self esteem and self image issues. It took me a while to get over those. I was actually just surprised, in the beginning, that Master wanted me. Like I said, self image issues. He is so handsome and exactly what I've always wanted. And there He is, right in front of me, and He wanted me.

The love came later. It started as a one night stand. And then it continued. But we also had a lot of fun together in and out of the bedroom. The connection didn't take long to form and love came rather quickly.

I honestly never thought about the dynamic issue. When I decided on my type I never thought about the dynamic part. After all I was really young. I was still figuring out things. But the rest of it I was sure of.

And now that is exactly what I have. I have a tall, handsome, very funny, bad boy that treats me well. We have an 8 year age gap. And He has ink. We both had ink when we first met. Ink is a turn on for me. The dynamic is just a bonus.

I never knew that a connection so deep could ever exist. I didn't think that people who were together as long as we have been would still be so in love and still very passionate about each other. And here we are 10 years into our relationship and 6 years into our marriage. And that is exactly what is going on. Our connection and love are still very much going strong. We are still very passionate about one another.

Our relationship isn't perfect. We both have flaws. We both have annoying little things that we do. But none of that matters. Relationships can't be perfect and neither can people. Perfection is fake. I don't want to be fake, I don't want Him to be fake, and I don't want our relationship to be fake. I was it all to be real. And it is.

Thirteen

I have always said that I'm a tattoo addict. And that is the truth right there. It is something I've been addicted to since the first time I felt the tattoo gun touch my skin. That happened when I was 18. Since I was 13 years old I knew I wanted a tattoo. Of course I couldn't get one back then. I'm almost afraid what the hell I would have ended up with had I been allowed to get one at 13. *laughs*

But in this state you have to be 18 years old to get a tattoo. So, about a month after my 18th birthday I got one. I'm 30 years old now and I regret none of them. I love them all as much as I did when I got them done. My tattoos mean a lot to me. I would feel unfished without them. I would say I have an almost emotional attachment to them. I don't get them just to "look cool".

So in the course of 12 years I've collected 12 tattoos. That's one a year! Or at least it would be if they were actually spaced out that way. But they aren't. Some of them where in bursts.

But I've always promised myself that I would never get more than13 tattoos in total. So, once I hit 13 I am going to stop. Now, granted, I will be getting some touch ups. I got my first tattoo touched up when I got number 12 done. There was a time where I didn't know how to properly take care of tattoos. That would be he first one and the second one. Obviously, the first one is now touched up. So that leaves the second one. Which takes up most of my left calf. I'm not sure how expensive that one is going to be. There are a couple of other pieces that need a little touching up.

I thought about just getting all the touch ups done before I got number 13. But I think, honestly, it would be best to get number 13 first and then get the touch ups. That way, after I get the 13th done, I'll know the experience isn't over yet. I guess it'll kind of be like making sure I know that isn't the end of it all. Not yet anyway.

So now all I have to figure out is how much the 13th one will be, save up, and then get it. That is after I figure out exactly where the hell I'm putting her.

Yes, her. Master found the image for me a while go. Kind of poking fun of me for being bipolar and calling myself crazy. And she is awesome! So what I did was I took her out of the rest of the picture and saved that to our tattoo folder on the computer so I have her all ready to go when I finally go to get it put on my skin.

Here is what I'm talking about:

Isn't she fucking awesome?! I didn't name her or anything. See what I mean though? About poking fun at myself? It's this psycho looking chick in a straight jacket. And the little red butterfly floating next to her only makes it funnier to me. And that is the exact size I want her done. Any smaller and she's not going to look as detailed. Any bigger and I wouldn't like it. Her and her little butterfly friend. I could leave the butterfly out but it just wouldn't seem right to me.

She is sitting down so I kind of feel like she would look better looking like she is sitting on something. Meaning a part of my body. I don't want any kind of border or anything added to make it look like she is sitting on something. I thought about my wrist but it isn't wide enough. She probably will end up floating freely though. Simply because of the size and how skinny all of the places she could "sit" are.

Crunching Leaves

It is starting to feel like Fall outside. I know that Fall doesn't technically start for a little while yet, but the changes are starting.

It's cooler in the mornings on my way to work. There are more turning leaves, some of which are starting to fall from the trees. The day's heat isn't going past 65°. I absolutely love it. It's my favorite time of year. It's not too hot out and there isn't snow on the ground. It's that perfect time of year. I hope it lasts longer than usual. I hope we actually get to fully experience Fall this year rather than just a month of it before the snow starts.

When this time of year hits I think of Halloween. It is my favorite holiday. My dad wants us to come down to help him with his haunted house again. I have a costume already. But Master's old one finally wore out. As a result, He didn't have a costume last year. So He was all background. But both my dad and I prefer Him to be in costume and part of the fun rather than Him help set things up and then stand off to the side until it's all over.

My dad had mentioned that Master would be awesome as Michael Myers. Mainly because of His height and His has this odd talent of being able to stand stock still to the point that people think He is a mannequin.. that is until He moves and scares the hell out of everyone. *laughs*

I don't think would be too hard to put together. Master already has steel toe boots, so that's taken care of. He would just need the mask and the coveralls. The mask should be really easy to get a hold of but I'm not so sure how the hell to get a hold of the coveralls. At least not in a size that would fit Him properly and doesn't cost a fortune. After all we'd dirty it up, so I don't want to spend a lot of money on it.

I'm also trying to think of how I want my make-up done this year. Last year was very simplistic and while I really liked it, I want something that isn't thrown together at the last possible second.

So aside from the Halloween fun I also feel the need to watch more horror movies. The problem with that is we have seen so many and the ones we love we have seen so many times that it's almost pointless to watch them again. Especially when we could both be quoting each line word for word. I'm sure we'll figure something out as it gets closer to Halloween. Halloween just doesn't feel the same without watching a horror movie marathon of some kind.

Aside from the whole Halloween thing this time of year makes me think of pumpkins, pumpkin seeds, gourds, fresh fat apples, taking walks in falling leaves.. *sigh*

It also makes me want to go out and buy a pumpkin spice candle. And an apple cinnamon candle. We don't normally have candles burning. But I love both of those scents because they do make me think of Fall. I may buy at least one and light it every now and then.

Dancing for Master

Master and I decided to relax a little bit and watch porn so we could make fun of it. We actually watched the entire thing. About two and a half hours worth of porn and all we did was kick back and laugh at it. I know that may sound very odd, but we honestly do it all the time. We don't really watch it to get hot and bothered. I mean we get turned on yeah but porn to us is fucking hilarious.

So, like I said we watched the entire damn thing. It was a little after 1am by that point. I asked Master if He wanted to go fool around. I knew His back was bothering Him quite a bit. So when He said yes, I basically asked, "Are You sure You're up to it?"

I wasn't trying to be a bitch it's just that our sex isn't exactly gentle.. *giggles* He said, "Well it's not like you can't be on top."

So off to the bedroom we went! All of my nerve endings were lit up so it didn't take much to make is so I was dripping wet. And it didn't seem to take much to get Him rock hard. After getting me off by eating me out He laid back on the bed and got Himself comfortable.

I went down on Him for a short period of time. My damn jaw has been bothering me quite a bit. But once I crawled up the length of His body and straddled His hips all I basically had to do is rotate my hips slightly and the head of His cock was in me. I then very slowly started to push down until finally He was balls deep in me.

I started of riding Him while I was leaning over Him, propping myself up by resting my hands on the mattress. I did my best to make sure my hair wasn't in His face. Eventually I couldn't stop myself from fully sitting up and start bucking my hips. The faster I did, the more my body felt like it was on fire. When I came it was like it ripped through my entire nervous system. I growled a little and clawed His chest. Not very hard. He actually doesn't mind that. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's a turn on for Him. At least not the actual sensation itself. I think it's a turn on because I've lost control that much.

My breathing was shuddering and heavy. He reached His arms up and very gently pulled me down so my upper body was resting against His. He continued to gently hold me there, nuzzling the side of my face. It felt amazing. He started slowly pumping in and out of me. It was so intimate. So... close. His breathing was right in my ear, my face was nuzzled in the crook of His neck. I don't know if it was the way He was gently holding me down, not pinning me to Him, but I instantly went into a very docile mode. All I was was the every sensation that was going on. Fully skin to skin, His breathing, feeling His heart beat against my breasts, His cock sliding in and out of me.... just... everything.

Master of course immediately picked up the vibe that let Him know I was extremely docile. He commented on it and all I could do was nod my head. I couldn't speak. I was so fully wrapped up in my nerve endings that I couldn't really respond in any other way.

He also commented on the fact that I've never been His sex toy (meaning strictly being used) while I was riding Him. And He was right, of course. I've had times where I'm riding Him and He makes me hold off on cumming until He tells me to, but never just used.

He let go of me and told me to dance for Him. I slowly sat up and started rotating my hips and leaning back before sitting back up fully again. He opened His legs and propped them up so His feet were flat on the bed, and His knees were bent. It made it easier on me and for some reason it also felt like He was suddenly deeper. I didn't think that was possible at that exact moment.

He held my hips as I continued to "dance" for Him. Playing with my hair, and just being very fluid in every movement I made. Then He started to grip my hips and started guiding my movements. He quickened the pace so I took that as He wanted me to go harder and faster. So I leaned back a little more and bucked my hips hard and fast until I felt Him reaching the point where He was going to cum. At that exact moment I leaned forward and rode Him a little hard while begging for His cum. I didn't stop moving my hips throughout His orgasm. I just continued to roll my hips. His orgasm seemed to last longer because of it.

I hadn't gotten off since He told me to be His toy. I will say that is a lot more difficult when I'm riding Him. I was starting to cramp a little bit so I told Master that I had to move. He let go of my hips and nodded His head. I let Him slip out of me and then climbed onto my side of the bed. I cuddled up next to Him and we just caught our breath for a little while before going back out to the living room. It was just after 2am by that point. I had figured I would stay up but the minute I sat down and got comfortable I could feel that I was winding down.

Master chuckled and told me to take my meds and go to bed. He promised that He would be there in a little while. He came to bed about an hour after I did.

Relieved

This is an update on how my shrink appointment went yesterday. Master had allowed me to skip my post last night.

Master had convinced me to leave the apartment to go to my appointment a good 15 minutes earlier than I had been planning to. He told me that since it was Friday traffic might be worse than usual and it is a bit of a drive out there. I grumbled a little bit because I didn't want to be in the waiting room that long, but I did as I was told. I did end up getting there about 20 minutes early but I was only in the waiting room for about 10 minutes. So my appointment started early for a change. My shrink had me sit down and sign a new confidentiality agreement. They do it once a year and for some reason it's normally around this time.

After that we talked. I was very open and honest with him, just like I always am. I figure that if I don't tell him the truth then I am robbing myself of being properly taken care of and helped by a medical professional. At that point, what is the use of even going?

The appointment ran longer than it usually did. Normally it's a quick in and out just to catch up a little and get my new prescription. It was so short for so long because I was doing extremely well. The only times the sessions have been longer is when something needs to be changed.

I updated him on everything and he asked me quite a few questions and was writing in my file the entire time. (I have a file at a shirnk's office... Weird.)

He asked me if I had noticed a change in my mood since upping the dosage. I said I was actually more upbeat if anything. No more thoughts/images like I had when I called him. None.

Then came the part that I was slightly dreading. He asked me if I had noticed any side effects. I told him that yes I had. I told him that if I took them about a half hour before I went to bed I would quickly start to feel drunk and my vision would get blurry. But in the morning I would be absolutely fine. I then told him that the past couple of nights I had switched to taking them literally right before I was going to walk to the bedroom. I would wait until the last possible moment, take my pills, and then go to bed to get some sleep. That way I didn't notice any side effects because I was sleeping and again when I woke up in the morning there were no side effects at all. Apparently it only happens directly after I take them. Once I "sleep it off" I'm fine.

He informed me that he has heard of other people having that issue as well. Obviously he can't tell me they are his patients but that's what I am assuming. But he said if that's all I have to do is to take them last minute and after that I was fine and it stabilized me, he didn't want to mess with it. He wants to keep me on my current medication at the current dosage. Yay! I was very happy.

He did tell me that he wants me to continue to wait until I'm literally going to go lay my head down to sleep. That way I don't run the risk of it possibly deterring me from wanting to take the pills in order to not feel the side effects at all. That's not a good thing.

I told Master all of this once I got home. He seemed extremely relieved, just like I was.

So I figure that as long as I don't take them until about 5 minutes before I go to sleep that I don't have to worry about it. It won't have time to kick in with that whole drunk feeling.

I sure in the hell don't want to take them before we have sex. That would be a horrible thing to kick in the middle of fucking. I would rather have to peel myself off our nice comfy bed afterwards and go take my meds than deal with that. Talk about killing the mood. Holy hell.

Sane(ish)

Well, tomorrow I go to see my shrink. I'm a little nervous about it. Up until two days ago I felt no side effects from upping the dosage on my current medication. But two nights ago I started to get that sensation you get when you have been up way, way too long. Not quite drunk but totally out of it. And I couldn't get my eyes to focus worth a damn. I also felt a little off balance.

As soon as that kicked in, about a half hour after taking them, I went to bed. Which sucked because I had another 45 minutes before my bedtime! (Yes, I have a bedtime.) I never want to go to bed early unless I'm not feeling well. Never.

So last night I took them literally right before I went off to bed. I didn't want to experience that again. And I'll do the same thing tonight.

But the reason why I'm nervous about it is because I'm worried that he'll want to switch the medication I'm on. I don't like that idea. Although, I'd rather completely switch medications rather than being put on two medications. But, if it's something he thinks is best I would have to go with. It's not like I'd have a choice. I mean, I can't put a gun to the guy's head and make him write out a prescription.

Don't get me wrong. I trust my shrink. But the idea of switching to a completely different medication makes me feel anxious. I don't know what that medication is going to do to me. I don't know how I'm going to feel on them. I don't know if they will work. I don't know what kind of side effects it'll cause. Hell, on a medication I was on in addition to my current pills, my sex drive was completely dead.

I'm all for being sane(ish) but I'd like to keep my sex drive thank you very much. I'm only 30 years old for fuck's sake. (No pun intended.) I also don't want to be on something that is going to make me a zombie. I don't want to be on something that will make me Little Miss Sunshine 24/7 either. I'd like to be able to react and actually feel things. The ups and the downs. As long as I don't go completely manic, or into a state of illogical rage, or into that deep pit of depression, I'm happy. Basically I just want to be balanced out, which is what my current medication does.

I'm not about to lie to the man and tell him I've experienced no effects what so ever. He can't help me if I lie. At least I realize I need the help though.

I fought it for a long, long time. I didn't want to admit that I needed medication. But when I did it was like a light bulb went off. And then I was all for it. I started callings places covered by my insurance the very next day. And I'm very glad I did. That was about three years ago now. Close to it anyway. And I must say I feel like a completely different person. I feel like me.

One Day

I am very much looking forward to the weekend. Friday is going to suck a little bit though. I work until noon but then my shrink appointment isn't until 3:45pm. That sucks. If it were closer to the time I got out of work I would just head there immediately. This also means that my afternoon is kind of shot. Normally we would go down to my dad's by that time. But it would have to wait until after the appointment.

The odd thing is I can't seem to get a hold of my dad. I called him yesterday and left him a voice mail. I didn't hear back. No big deal. But I called him again tonight and no answer. I left another voice mail though. It's just kind of odd for him to not call back at all.

Then again it just dawned on me that my great aunt is in town from California. So Dad is dealing with that. I didn't think she would ever come back out here. She is 76 years old and suffering from Parkinson and needs a hearing aid in both ears and she can still barely hear you. I feel bad for her but I was never close to her. She isn't the nicest person in the world. Never has been. And her husband is a complete asshole. That's why I said Dad has to deal with bullshit. 

I hope he calls back tonight. If not I'll call again tomorrow.

On Sunday I'll be going down to visit my mother. This is why I'm hoping we can visit my dad on Friday. That way Master and I will have Saturday all to ourselves.

Hotter Than Hell

I cannot wait for autumn to get here. I'm sick of summer. I'd be more than happy to live in permanent fall. That way I don't have to basically live in air conditioning. And this is exactly why I could never live in a state that is known for being hot. You will not ever see me retiring to Florida, that's for damn sure.

Plus, Master and I haven't been able to do a lot because of the heat and humidity. We haven't been able to go on a walk together on the weekends. We haven't been able to just sit outside on our porch. I think we've done that only a handful of times this summer.

I go from the apartment with air conditioning to work with air conditioning. I don't run the air conditioner in the car as I'd rather have the windows down. It gets warm, but I don't think our car particularity likes having the air conditioning on.

So it just kind of feels like we're always stuck indoors. That's going to happen enough when winter fully hits. I'm just hoping that we get a longer autumn than we usually do.

I just want to be outside more without feeling uncomfortable.

I want to be able to look at Master and ask if He wants to go sit outside or go for a walk with me. But with how hot and humid it's been, it doesn't make any sense. We'll only got sit outside for about 15 minutes before we're both sweating our asses off.

As a result, we're feeling a little cooped up on the weekends. During the week it doesn't bother me as much because I'm tired as it is. But on the weekends I'd like to relax outside a little bit here and there. I guess it is supposed to be cooler this weekend though. Hopefully it is.

Family

My Dad was supposed to come up today. I had told him that he could come up anytime after noon. Well, close to 12:30pm Master told me to call him to see when he would be heading up. Master prefers to know times rather than just kind of a "Well, I'll let you know when I'm leaving." Which is exactly how my dad is. So I sent my dad a text rather than calling him. He didn't respond so I called and got his voice mail.

After that I just let things sit and figured I'd hear back from him one way or another. And I did about 15 minutes later. He sent me a text back. He said that he was sorry but he wouldn't be coming up today. He said he had just woken up and his back and hips were really bothering him. My dad has been told he needs back surgery but basically refuses to do it because it scares him.

I replied to his text and told him that I understood, I hope he feels better, and that I love him. After all, if his back and hips are already bothering him, a 45 minute drive isn't going to do him any good.

I know I hate doing things on Sunday, but I'm kind of bummed that he's not coming up. It's not so much that I miss him because I see him every other weekend. I think it's more that I know he is in a lot of pain and that is why he can't come up. I worry about him. He lives alone. But at least I know his next door neighbor comes over every day.

I hope that whenever he starts living with his current girlfriend, whether he moves out of state or she moves up here, that she takes care of him. If she doesn't she will quickly realize what pissed off daughter can do. Do not even think that if I found out that she wasn't taking care of him, that I wouldn't go out of state to bitch her the fuck out and take my dad home. Because I would. You do not fuck with my family. I'm highly protective of them. Just like they are highly protective of me. I don't care if I am pissed off at that particular family member, if I find out they are being fucked with I react. And really, the only people that fall under that category are my immediate family. My cousins and aunts and what not, not so much.

I think another reason why it bothers me is because I'm very close to my parents. It wasn't always like that. I mean I've always loved them but my dad kind of scared me when I was young and he was angry. And my mom and I butted heads a lot. But as I've gotten older I've gotten a lot closer with both of my parents. And when I see things like that it seriously bothers me because I have to realize that they are getting a little older and their health problems are starting to catch up with them more and more. They are only in their very early 50's but they have both but there bodies through a lot of punishment. And that just from the work they've done.

So I worry.

By Any Other Name

I couldn't fall back asleep after taking the dog out this morning. I was hoping for a couple more hours, but apparently that wasn't in the cards. So I decided to watch Divorce Court on You Tube. Yes, Divorce Court is one of my guilty pleasures. Don't worry, I don't want to divorce Master. I've been watching Divorce Court long before I met Him. It's just something that I find interesting and amusing all at the same time.

I honestly don't think people should get a divorce unless the vows are broken. Some people, I feel, get divorced for very stupid and petty reasons. As an example, one of the episodes I watches this morning was someone wanting a divorce because she leaves the lights on in whatever room she is in and doesn't turn them off and won't take out the garbage every day like he wants her to. Seriously? Damn.

But there in one trend that I am noticing that doesn't make any sense to me. There seems to be more and more women who keep their maiden name when they get married. I can understand hyphenating your last name. Hell, my mother did it when she got married the second time around. The way she did it is a little odd to me, but that was her choice.

When she married my father she took on his last name. When she married her second husband she hyphenated my father's last name with her current husband's last name. Normally when you hyphenate your last name it's your maiden name with your husband's last name. But she never changed her last name back to her maiden name. She said she did that because my brother was still under the age of 18. But like I said it was her choice and at least she didn't just keep my father's last name and not take on her current husband's last name at all.

I personally took on my Master's last name. I did not hyphenate it with my maiden name. I was old fashioned about it. Should the unthinkable happen and we happen to get a divorce I would go back to my maiden name. I would rather go through that inconvenience than just not take His name.

Maybe that's one of the reasons why someone wouldn't change their last name. They don't want to go get a new driver's license or their social security card, etc. and so on.

For me, I was excited about it. The minute I had our marriage license in my hot little hands I went to the DMV to change my last name on my driver's license. I literally went down to the court house to pick up the marriage license and I didn't even go home. I went straight to the DMV. That did take a long time as the DMV always does, so I had to wait until the next day to go down to the local social security office.

Once I got all that together I made sure my last name changed on all my other legal documents. I went to the bank and changed that and ordered new checks. And my first day back to school (I was in college at the time) I got there a good hour and a half early so I could get my student ID changed. Like I said, I was excited. It's not like I hate my maiden name, because I don't. But I was just excited that I was now legally His wife and I wanted to make sure everything was official as soon as possible.

 Why, aside from a few days of going to different places to legally change your name, would you want to keep your maiden name? If I were to have kept my maiden name and was still called Mrs., which you would be because you are now married, it would make me think of my mother, not me.

Just out of curiosity, have any of you, my readers who are married, kept your maiden name after getting married? If so, why? Like I said I'm just curious. Maybe I'll understand it more if someone explains it to me.

Increased Dosage

The remainder of last night went without any further images, thankfully. I was worried that the 300 milligrams would mess with me like it did before but I still wanted to fool around. So about a half hour before I was going to take the pills I asked Master if we could go fool around. And so we did. And it was fucking awesome. *grins*

Afterwards it was about time for me to take the pills. I was still a little nervous about it but I took them. It was about a half hour before my bedtime and by the time it was time for me to go to bed I didn't experience any of the drunk feeling or double vision problems that I had when I was on that dosage before. But I am glad that I only took it a half hour before bed. I don't know if it would have happened within another hour or so.

I slept great though. When I got up this morning there was a note from Master telling me to keep Him updated throughout my day. I wrote Him back and promised Him I would.

I actually woke up in a pretty good mood. And as the day went on it just got better, which is rather odd since I was at work and it was a typical stressful day. But I remained in a good mood. If anything I was hyper.

On my lunch break I sent Master a message to let Him know. He appreciated it and was glad to hear it. No images today. At all. It was all smiles and a good mood and feeling a little goofy due to my being hyper.

I've been very talkative. Again just part of my being a bit hyper. And as a result I'm feeling a little tired now. My mood is still up but when I'm hyper it tires me out a little. So right now I'm just sitting here doing my blog post and listening to random songs on You Tube, dancing in my chair a little bit.

I was thinking about it today though. My medication situation I mean. I'm 30 now and half way to my 31st birthday. All the women in my family hit menopause young. Not my age but by the time they are 35 it starts to kick in. And I almost wonder if the fact that my body chemistry is changing now that I'm a tiny bit older, it's effecting the fact that the low dose I was on before isn't able to keep up. And just the fact that adding 75 milligrams to my dosage is what is keeping me in a good mood. The sex helped, don't get me wrong.

But to go from having horrifying images burst through my mind yesterday to being slightly elated today catches my attention. I told Master that maybe that is all I needed, an upped dosage.

I have an appointment with my shrink a week from today. And as long as these results continue I'll tell him my thoughts on it. I would honestly rather up my dosage of what I'm currently on, rather than changing to a totally different medication. This medication has been working for 3 years. If all I have to do is keep it at 300 milligrams I'm more than happy to do so. I just wouldn't change from taking the pills right before bed. So on the weekends when Master allows me to stay up late I won't take it at 11pm, simply because I don't want to feel that way and have to go to bed during one of the only times during the week I don't have to go to bed before midnight.

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that all I needed was a larger dose of what I'm currently on.

Makes No Sense

Something weird was happening today. Very fucking weird.

I've been on my the same the medication for a little over three years for my bipolar disorder. I know all of the side effects of it since I made sure to read up on it when I first started taking it. I'm very suspicious of medications, let alone ones that will directly effect my brain chemistry.

It took a while to get me up to the dosage I'm on now. I'm on 225 milligrams currently. For a while I was actually on a second medication. But it wasn't doing me any good and was expensive so I asked my shrink to take me off of it. He agreed. There was also a period of time where he had bumped me up to 300 milligrams but we backed back down to 225 milligrams because for some reason kicking me up to the 300 caused me to have severe double vision and I basically acted drunk until I went to bed. I take my medication at night, so it was only for a couple of hours but still.

Since then I haven't noticed any side effects. Until today. Today I was having bursts of images that were... disturbing. They were on and off again. When it first happened I just pushed it aside as a what the fuck moment. But it happened again. And again. The third time did it. I sent Master a message to let Him know what was going on.

I didn't hear back from Him right away so I figured He was busy, in the shower, or outside of the apartment. Right after that was my lunch break so I called my mom. I told her what was going on and she told me to call my shrink. So I did.

I got the receptionist and she said that she would pass the message along to him. Well, of course by that point I had to go back in so I left her my work phone number.

It would figure that he called me back while I was in the damn copy room. When I listened to the voice mail he told me he wasn't in the office and that he would try to call again in the next two hours. He didn't leave a return number.

I had called the house and got a hold of Master by that point and told Him what was going on. Apparently, for whatever reason, He didn't get my prior message. He told me to keep Him updated.

Finally my shrink called again and I was able to catch the phone call. I told him what was going on. Basically, the images bursting randomly through my mind's eye were of me hurting myself. Borderline suicidal images. I would concentrate to make them stop and they would but they would burst back through a little later on. They were vivid. He asked me if I felt an impulse to act on them. I answered honestly that no I did not but they were still very bothersome. He told me that I have an appointment with him next Friday and since I don't have an impulse to act upon these images it wasn't an emergency.

He said there really wasn't anything he could do until I saw him. But he didn't want me to come in until next Friday.

I told Master all of this and He is more than a little pissed off about it. He feels that if a patient is having those kind of vivid images a shrink should take that more seriously instead of pushing it off for a week.

I guess while I was still at work my mom called Master and spoke with Him telling Him not to leave me alone just in case. I'm not depressed. I don't want to act on the images in my head but of course they both still worry and don't want that one moment to come by where all of a sudden I may decide those images make sense and basically sound like a "good idea".

But the fact that I'm not depressed, or even close to it for that matter, is what is really confusing me. But suicidal thoughts/images are a side effect of my meds. Which is why when the shrink told me to up it back up to 300 milligrams until I see him next week surprised me. Okay.. so this is a side effect I'm having and you want me to take more of it? But it made sense to Master. Basically maybe ramping it up will cause the chemistry in my system to knock those out.

I am not looking forward to the drunk/double vision bullshit. But apparently I'm going to have to deal with it for the next week. I'll just be taking my meds closer to my actual bed time. Master wants me to take them a half hour before I go to sleep.

The bursts of images haven't hit me since the ride home from work. Hopefully they'll stay away.

The other really weird thing is that I'm actually in a pretty good mood right now. What the fuck brain?

Tennis

Today I came home feeling a lot more tired than I realized I was when I was at work. I'm not tired in the way that I want to go to sleep but I just feel kind of run down. And it's not like the work day was more difficult than usual. Work is stressful and it has been for a long time now. Oh well. No different today.

I think part of it is that it feels like it's going to rain, but the weather doesn't mention it at all. By feel I mean that there is this pressure in the air and I'm feeling it. I have a small pressure headache going on, but nothing like the migraines I've been dealing with lately. And my joints ache. I'm 30 years old and my joints ache. *laughs* Welcome to the world of fibromyalgia.

Other than all that though I don't really have much on my mind. I didn't want to ask to skip my post tonight but at the same time I have nothing to really blog about.

Two days ago I wasn't well. Last night Master was feeling really blah. He looked really tired. Today I'm kind of blah. It's like a really sucky game of tennis with this right now apparently.

Wrench

Well, I did end up going outside to sit with Master and some of our neighbors the other night. We didn't stay out very long. The stories we had heard a million times were already making the rounds about 10 minutes after I got out there. I thought it would have taken longer. Add to that the fact that one of the other neighbors had literally locked their 8 year old out of the apartment and she was now "our" problem so to speak.

Also, the one person who Master actually wanted to talk to was kind of on lock down by his girlfriend. So it just wasn't very entertaining. Although Master and I did get to see some really interesting lightning. Nothing had ruined the night. That is until about 1am or so. It had nothing to do with anything.

Out of no where my stomach started doing flips. Apparently something I ate or the fact that I had coffee really fucking late at night did not sit well with me. I ended up getting sick several times.

I was upset. Not just because I wasn't feeling well but because I had really, really wanted to fool around. Obviously that isn't going to happen when I'm feeling like that. I went to bed at 2am. Master stayed up as He was not tired. He made sure I was okay before sending me off to bed.

All day yesterday I felt better in so far as I didn't feel sick to my stomach anymore but I felt extremely weak. I felt off all day and felt like I had no weight to me. So while I didn't feel the need to be sick I felt way, way off all day. Master took care of me.

Again no fooling around though. Not when I'm feeling like that.

It was still a good day though, don't get me wrong. We had a lot of fun, just not any in the bedroom.

Why is that so upsetting to me? Well, it's not like Master was upset. Don't take that wrong, He wanted to fuck just as badly as I did but at the same time He understands that after I get sick like I did the night before my entire body takes a while to adjust.

But it upset me because I had been hoping for a full weekend of fucking. Especially since it was an extended weekend. And then the last day of it, and the night prior, my body had to go and throw a wrench into the mix. *pouts*

I still don't feel 100%. I feel a hell of a lot better but I still feel a bit weak for some reason. Hm. It'll pass.

Part of Me

I am honestly one of the most anti social people I know. I cut out the last remaining friend I had from my home town right before I moved here. With good reason mind you. (Her heavy drug use.) Then I pretty much inherited Master's circle of friends. With most of them I was pretty open and accepting. And the same in reverse. There were of course some that I couldn't stand but it was due to the way they were treating Master.

Eventually Master cut those people off. It didn't take long honestly. He had been pretty fed up with them before I moved in with Him. Over the years more of those friends have fallen off the grid for various reasons. There are still a select few that we talk to. Unfortunately one of them no longer lives in state. We miss him.

Last summer we spent a lot of time outside with a group of our neighbors. As the summer went on I became closer to some of them. And I accepted them as friends. But as the summer wound down things happened. One of them got evicted. For a short while he stayed in touch and would still stop over or invite us to his place. Another one moved away and we have honestly only heard from her one time and it was only because we happened to be sitting outside when she came over to visit other people who live in the apartment complex.

The only ones left that I had any attachment to are still here but we don't really talk to them, or at least haven't over the fall, winter and spring. I will say it's due to a lack on each side, ours and theirs. We didn't try really hard and neither did they. I'm not faulting anyone on that one.

And this past summer has been blazing fucking hot 98% of the time so we have spent a lot of time inside in the air conditioning.

Well, today it was nice enough out that we finally used the grill for the first time all year. As Master was cooking, one of the neighbors that still live here was walking by and mentioned that they were having a fire tonight. Master said that He would make an appearance. No problem there. I was toying with the idea of going with Him. He didn't say I had to. So I thought about it. It wasn't until later anyway. So I had time.

Master and I ate dinner and watched a movie. I have been fighting a migraine all damn week and apparently today was no different. It was on again off again. At some point during the movie I passed out. I would say it was for no more than a hour. I could be wrong. But either way, I woke up just as Master was turning off the TV and all that. I sat up a little bit and He said He was going to go clean out the grill since it should be cool enough to do so. He also said He was going to sit out there for a little while.

So I got up and got dressed. It took me a little bit because I had to use the bathroom and close all the doors as well. I closed all the doors so the dog wouldn't get into anything while we sat outside, since he was staying in. He's never actually gotten into anything while we've been outside but it's something we do just to be safe rather than sorry.

I was sitting out there for about five minutes when the neighbor who had been evicted last year walked past. Master said hi so he stopped by and said he was going down to the fire. Master said, "Yeah we'll be down in a little bit."

I didn't say anything. Master didn't have any shoes on so He went back in. I gathered all my stuff and when in too. I wasn't angry or anything along those lines. He wanted to go be social for a while and get out of the apartment. I totally understand that. Just because I'm mainly anti-social doesn't mean I don't understand His wanting to be social.

But I had made up my mind that since my headache hadn't fully gone away, even with the nap, and the fact that I didn't really feel like being social. Work has been stressing me out and sometimes it just feels like I don't actually get to relax at home until the weekend and even then it's only if we don't have a shit ton of errands or other things going on.

I wanted to stay home. I said that and Master said, "Okay."

I thought that was the end of it. Like I said, I wasn't mad. I wasn't upset at all that He wanted to go down there. But His demeanor had changed. He seemed irritated. So I asked Him if He was mad at me. I asked that in particular because the moment I said I wasn't going down was exactly when His demeanor changed. He said He wasn't mad but, "It just figures."

I don't exactly remember what I said back, even though the conversation only took place about 20 minutes ago. But I do remember I didn't say it with a tone or anything. I think I asked Him what He meant. He said that it figures that I don't want to be social and that I had been last summer. I said it has been hot as fuck this summer and He said that it had been last year too.

He's right. It was hot as fuck last summer, but last summer at least the nights were a bit cooler and we were actually talking to all of these people on a very consistent basis. 

This summer up until tonight it hadn't been cooler at all. It had still been muggy as fuck. And we haven't talked to any of them but once or twice since last summer. But for as much as He said He's not mad I think He is still ticked a little bit. Just by the fact that I didn't want to go down there.

I guess I get that too. He wants to spend time with me. But I'm not going to be any fun if I don't want to be down there. And so I would rather not be a wet blanket. I don't want to ruin His good time.

Another reason why I didn't want to go down there is because if you get a couple of beers in any of those people, which they will be, they just tell the same stories over and over again. Most drunk people I know do that. And I find it incredibly annoying. Master I think is more used to it from His past friends.

I also think He's a little ticked because right before He walked out the door, He said, "Well if you need me I'll be down there." I guess it was more the way He said it.

I don't know. Maybe in a little while I will wander down there. But right now my head is still bothering me a bit and like I said I don't want to ruin His fun by being cranky. I just hope it doesn't ruin the rest of the night once I go out there, if I go out there, or He comes back in for the night. I'm still not angry or mad. He knows this about me and while it is something about me that can annoy Him at times, it's still part of who I am. When it comes to a social life I prefer Him and our families. Just like there are things about Him that annoy me but are part of who He is.

Like I said, I really hope that regardless of whether or not I go down there that it doesn't ruin the rest of the night once we're inside for the night. We've had a great weekend so far. A lot of laughing and goofing around and incredible sex. I don't want something stupid like this putting a damper on it. I don't know. Maybe I should just shut my mouth, go down there, and try to have fun because I know that's what He would prefer. After all, I'm His slave and that's what a good slave would do. I'm also His wife and that's what a good wife would do.

And now I've talked myself into it.